Thursday, December 31, 2009
I have been thinking and thinking about a New Year's resolution and have come up with nothing. I could do the usual and go with Lose Weight, be healthier, or such but let's be realistic this year. Hey, maybe that could be my New Year's Resolution: to set more realistic goals? Uh...naaaw.
Here's what I think will be good to use.
1. Write! Write! Write! I would like to publish four novella's this upcoming year over at lulu.
2. Save, save, save and move, move, move to a larger home by the end of the year.
3. Stick with school. I've signed up for one class this upcoming semester and I would like to take one class each semester until I've finished my degree.
Ok..there you have it. Now..for the fun ones.
1. Explore my submission more deeply and honestly. Stop using labels and listen to my heart more.
2. Accept TJ's authority with more grace. Meaning taking my spankings a little bit better.
3. Be able to take the cane...TJ really likes it and I'd like to be able to handle it for him.
Ok..maybe they weren't that exciting. LOL
I hope that each of you have a wonderful New Year. May your best day of 2009 be the worst you have in 2010!
Monday, December 28, 2009
I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call it..in the end it's still our relationship.
Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.
To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.
One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying "No..no...just let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?
There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.
Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing so....is that too weird?
I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for now...at least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.
To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?
Thursday, December 24, 2009
We will be spending the next two days eating, dancing and hopefully a little spanking under the tree will be in order!
May you all enjoy this holiday season and may the upcoming year bring you all joy, prosperity, and happiness!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
EVIL! That is what that damn thing is, absolutely evil. Disguised as a harmless tool for the handyman, it is a horrible beast of an implement for the handyhusband!
I had heard of these things being used for spanking and I ignored it. I knew TJ had a few of them in the garage, I had bought them for christmas one year, to be used as actual tools- I never dreamed of having that rubber strap across my bare bottom. When I had heard of people actually using it for spanking purposes I filed the knowledge in the "Never tell TJ" folder.
TJ cleaned out the garage last week and found the little buggars. He was sitting in his computer room one evening holding one when I walked into the room. He had an evil look in his eye just as I saw a light bulb turn on over his head.
"What?" I asked him cautiously, eyeing the toy in his hand.
"I was just thinking something," he smiled a devils grin and lightly tapped the strap against his open palm.
"No...no...don't tell me,"
"What? That this is going to be great to spank you with?" the man actually laughed at his own wit. I rolled my eyes and left the room, a little panicked I will admit.
Then last night it happened. The stress of the holiday shopping, working full time again, cleaning for cookie making today, and the regular stress of having three toddlers caught up to me and when he asked me to do a simple thing for him I snapped. Right before bed he told me to turn all the lights off in the living room and wait for him.
I was waiting for him next to the couch and when he walked in with nohting in hand I thought "Thank god, a hand spanking!"
It was not to be. He pulled that strap wrench out of his back pocket and plopped down in the middle of the couch. He explained that my attitude was unacceptable and told me to lay across his lap. I nearly cried just at the sight of the damnable thing. He pulled my sweat pants down around my thighs and began to spank with his hand.
His hand is nearly as sharp as some implements he uses but I knew it was only the warm up so I tried to bear down and get through it. When the first blow of that strap landed I nearly catapulted myself through the wall that the couch is pushed against and into the neighbors house.
I last about 5 strokes and was begging for him to use something else, which he would not.
"Not so much of an attitude now, huh?" he said as he continued. I wiggled and he held on tighter to me. I was trying really hard not to scream, for fear of waking the children upstairs. Finally, after about 15 (maybe) strokes of the stinging beast I wiggled my way off his lap and sat on the floor trying to catch my breath.
"What are you doing?" he demanded to know. I didn't answer him. I couldn't. He asked two more times before he sighed heavily and sent me to bed. When he finally came up to say goodnight I asked him if I could finish it. "No, we are done for tonight,"
This morning when we talked briefly he said that there will not be a re-do but he is definitely doing "something" tonight. What does that mean?
Maybe if I had been able to scream out I could have handled it better? Or if I was in a better frame of mind? I don't know...but we will see what happens tonight....
Friday, December 18, 2009
Last week while I was out shopping I sent a text to TJ that he might want to check my blog. A short while later he sent back a text saying "I agree..wtf is going on?" So...long discussion that night. We came to the conclusion that perhaps we needed to do some non spanking "sessions" regarding discipline (not punishment, there's a difference...and I'm sure you knew that) ....round about way of saying that he has put me in "Training". For the past week at night, after the kids are in bed and I've completed my chores/getting ready for the next day, we've had about an hour of time to dedicate to us.,..or rather me...or him.
During this hour I am not allowed to make a decision and must do everything he says without question, hesitation, or attitude. I am to answer him with smile and simply do what he has requested.
The first night it was simple things: I did the dishes (usually his chore), I gave him a foot rub, folded a load of laundry (instead of letting it go until the next day as planned). The night after that we were short on time because I had worked that evening. He had me take off my pants, but leave my panties on as well as my shirt. It felt oddly silly to be in the living room folding another load of laundry with my pants off. When I was done...he had me do something else...which I may blog about later.
The last night we were able to do this he had me simply sit at his feet while we watched tv. At first, I was a little disappointed that we weren't doing anything else (unless you count the foot rub he got...which he usually gets with or without demanding one...the man has the itchiest feet in the whole world) Just when I had abandoned all hope of anything 'fun' happening, he said:
"Can you hand me that yellow pillow over by rocker," I nodded and went to get up. "Uh, on all fours and use your teeth," My stomach flipped a bit. I kept my eyes down and did as he instructed. Carrying the small pillow back to him between my clenched teeth. He thanked me for it and I took my place back on the floor again. A scant moment later the pillow wizzed by my head as he tossed it out onto the carpet. "Again," was all he said and I took a deep breath, unsure of his intentions, was he going to play fetch with me?? I moved back onto all fours and went and picked up the pillow once again with my teeth (made a mental note to wash the pillow) and brought it back to him, ceremoniously placing it in his lap. He smiled at me and my heart raced.
The show we had been watching was just about over and it was already past my bedtime. "Ok, let's get you up to bed," he flicked off the tv and headed towards the stairs. "No, keep crawling," he corrected me when I moved to stand. I again obeyed him....I crawled all the way up the stairs and to our bed.
He did have me stop half way up the stairs to pull down my pants and....well.....it was a good night!
Do I think we are "fixed" and everything will just be hunkey dorey now? Uh...no...past history has told me that this is still the beginning...and we will stumble and fall and get back up again...again and again... But it's a step in the right direction, if nothing else we've had a great week together!
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Not at TJ, but at myself. I am furious, disappointed and frustrated with my own thoughts and emotions that continually twist and turn until I want for nothing more than to stand in the pool of misery that I have created and scream like the crazed woman I am becoming.
The week that TJ was gone on business was a bustling week of shuffling children here and there, making lunches, dinner, doing homework and getting myself to work. I behaved excellently. I followed every single one of my rules. I went to bed on time even when I had a million reasons to stay up an extra twenty minutes. I did it and he wasn't even here to see it; I was damn proud of that!
So what happened? I have no flipping idea! He's home, and although I have stuck to most of the rules, I find myself feeling defiant. He was irritated with me this morning (we had a little tiff...nothing much to really speak of) and he told me to stop talking to which I replied, "NO!" with a smirk and a head tilt that wreaked of defiance. What the hell!?!?!?
Well, no wonder the man has trouble stepping up to the plate. He steps up and I bat him down. One minute I'm thinking about how I want to explore my submissive side much more and then comes an opportunity and I blow it...again and again I do this. It's like there something in me that is trying to stop me from all of this.
I want to give it all up right now. I really do. I want to say simply FUCK IT. I feel lost and out of control.
I won't, probably not, who knows. I'm sure its annoying to read one week how horrible it is and then a post saying it's looking up only to see the next week it's spiraling downward again...and it's all me....
Sunday, December 6, 2009
After my last post I have just sat back and watched us. I made it all sound so dreary and sad that I wasn't really sure what to post after it or what I was really feeling. So, I just let our lives move along naturally and watched it from the sidelines, sort of speak.
I did cautiously broach the topic with TJ a few nights ago and we both got pretty much no where. I could not find the right words and he was very confused. He did promise that after his business trip we would talk in detail, but that he was ready to try again at stepping things up a bit. He claims life just got in the way and that he is just as interested as before.
It wasn't a very long discussion nor was it very detailed at all. Last night, however, we were sitting watching a movie together and I blurted out a list of things that I wouldn't mind him 'altering' about our lifestyle. Areas that I wouldn't mind him taking control over or having a strong opinion (Dare I say rule or dictate?) about. He just kind of looked at me with an odd expression for a second and said "Really?" and I nodded (too embarrassed at that point to use words). "Okay," he smiled and threw out a new rule.
Now. I'm not completely sure that he actually means this new rule or if it is simply because it was something on my list and he wanted to appease me. Nor does it matter. At this very moment I am trying to not let his motives matter. If he was simply trying to appease me than when he sees me following the rule, perhaps it will begin to matter to him. If he actually means this rule then my following it is just as crucial.
Last night while we were waiting for the movie we wanted to watch to come on the television I said ever so casually, "You could spank me until it comes on," Hoping to spend the next 20 minutes having a bit of fun.
"Good idea! Come over here," he called me into the kitchen. He grabbed the rubber spatula and walked me to the hallway where he pointed to the door for me face.
"No..no..I mean a nice spanking. The kind where I lay over your lap and you use your hand," I laughed and he smiled back at me.
"Ok..maybe after this." he turned me back around to the door and I pouted. (Insert sound effect of foot stomp here) "You need a little reminder. While I'm gone you are going to follow all of the rules, right? You aren't going to cheat on them because I'm not here."
What?! Gasp!? He delivered a pre-emptive reminder without my even asking! Although, not the spanking I wanted by any means it was just as heart warming.
It wasn't all serious though. At one point that little devil stings and I was hoping around "ouch!" hop, slight turn, WHAP "OUCH" hop, slight turn,WHAP "OUCH"...this went on (while he was laughing) until I was completely facing him and he was whole heartedly laughing. "That was fun, turn around, let's do it again!"
Perhaps that is why I had the gumption that I did to spill out my little list about an hour later, I don't know.
So my promise. Is not really to TJ (cos he never checks my blog) it's more to myself. I am going to stick to the rules this week while he's gone. If I can manage to follow his rules while he's not even here to see me then I should be able to do it with ease when he is around and perhaps he will see me taking my role more seriously.
TJ still isn't the "Dom" that I read so much about on other blogs...but he is my TJ and he is my husband. Maybe things will shift from DD to more D/s..maybe they won't, but at the end of the day I still want only him to be the one wrapping his arms around me. I can't imagine having this intimate of a relationship with anyone else.
That "road" I was standing on the side of... I should have been with TJ asking him for directions instead of just standing there like a dope. So...this week I shall re-commit myself to our rules and focus on my submissive side. When TJ returns we can have the talk he said we would have and things can go on from there.
Monday, November 30, 2009
I came to this realization yesterday while I was cleaning the upstairs of our little two bedroom duplex. I called down "Can you please look for that mini blind attachment I bought for the vacuum?" and he said sure. A few minutes later I heard him screwing around with the kids. "Are you looking or playing?" I called down.
Now, I'm not saying that people in true D/s, M/s, or such relationships don't have similar conversations or playful banter, they might or might not. I don't think it was the words of our conversation that brought about my realization...but perhaps the situation...not sure what exactly.
What I came to realize at that moment is that TJ will never give a good damn if I shave or don't shave. He probably wouldn't even notice if I was wearing panties to bed or not on most nights, and most likely doesn't have a preference, anyway. He doesn't notice any act of submission on my part unless it something that he is looking for in a sexual way (That I've noticed).
A few months ago I mentioned that we were taking DD to a deeper level. Well...that fizzled out within a few weeks. At first I thought it was because I had lost my "mojo" or something but now I think I know what happened. I think I simply saw it for what it was: a one sided relationship.
As much as I enjoyed exploring my submissive side in that way, on that level, I was alone in it. He was merely a spectator who would throw out a command now and then if I became a bit stagnant. He told me he was into it, that he had ideas of his own to implement, but when I pressed him to tell me or to talk with me about it he only said "I have to work it out in my head first," I backed off, I gave him the space he required and stopped asking him because it was what he wanted. Truth of the matter: there were no ideas. There was only the empty promise of a deeper level in our relationship that never came to pass.
I didn't drag him down that road. I stood to the side and tried to follow...but there was nothing to follow. So I stood on that road alone and waited and waited and waited. He is still the head of our household and has been consistent with all of our original rules and such but that is the level in which he lives.
I realized last night that I will never have that deeper level with him that I crave. He will never care about my routine, my habits, or anything other than if I've done the shopping, washed his underwear and kept the kids all safe and fed while he was at work. Do I want someone to micromanage my every single move: no, but maybe a little micro managing here and there would be nice.
Tomorrow, I go back to work full time. This is not a decision we took lightly and to be honest I hate that I'm doing it. I want to be home. I want to be home with my kids, but the economy being what it is; I'm back at work for at least a year. (There's background here but I'm not going into it) So, now there is really next to no hope for anything "more" happening. In fact, there is a real chance that what we have already in relation to DD will fade away all together.
I hope I'm not coming off as angry or disrespectful towards TJ. I love him. It's just..last night I realized that what I have is all I'm going to have when it comes to Domination/submission. I love TJ and this wont' change that. It's just...well....yesterday I had hope....today I have reality.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The first thing the doctor mentioned was that there were three new employees at the meeting since we had last gotten together. He then asked who was in charge of bringing the paddles for the initiations! One of the billers chuckled and said that she had forgotten the paddle at home. The new male employee added that he had been looking forward to the spankings but understood if they could not take place that day. A few more humorous comments were made in the same the fashion, all relating to spanking.
I sat in the back corner of the room with, I'm sure, a fierce blush and did my very best to look bored with the conversation, as if my jollity over the topic would give away my favorite past time to all of my co-workers.
So, you see, spanking is not a taboo, I think it is a hell of a lot more common than people will admit.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
- I am thankful foremost for my family. I could not be luckier in that department.
- That everyone around here is healthy and happy.
- That my oldest is starting to be a really cool kid to hang around.. She makes almost total sense when she talks now! LOL
- That the baby is starting to talk and communicate to me what he wants.
- That TJ has really stepped into his role as HOH and has become more comfortable in it.
- That TJ has retired the wooden spatula for the time being.
- That I feel secure and loved in my home and have a wonderful husband to share that with.
For anyone following the whatever debacle: I am now at 130. Yes..I was down to 90 then went straight up to 130. Luckily or not, TJ has been so busy fixing our cars and working late he has not demanded payment...yet...but we shall see!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone. Fill your bellies with turkey and all the trimmings. Hug your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. Help someone in need. Drop off some food to a local shelter or donate to a food pantry. Share the wealth: no matter how little you have there is someone out there who has less.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
American company Suki, LLC. adds some nice little erotic gadgets to the already sexy iPhone.
The ‘Boditalk Escort’ is a discreet wearable bullet that is activated by calls made to or from your cell phone when in close range.
It will vibrate to a pre-programmed pattern. The Boditalk has seven stimulating patterns to excite you while you are on the move. Its discreet design makes it the perfect companion for passion on the go.
The possibilities of this device are practically endless!... I'm just sayin!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The searing pain of that implement is hard to describe. It stings, it burns, it has a fiery thud that I don't much like. I did the best I could. I mustered up all of the courage I had and didn't fight him. I used the fleece throw from the couch to muffle my screams. After about six strokes I was crying real tears and by 8 I was sobbing. He only did 10 swats due to the fact that he could tell I was sobbing. When he was all done he put the spatula down and rubbed my bottom and tried to sooth me. "It's all done..it's ok...shhh" his voice was so soft I barely heard him. I didn't move, though. I stayed laying over his lap and had a cry. I got up a few minutes later and gingerly pulled my panties back up.
A short while later he was tucking me into bed and giving me loving kisses, telling me that I only had a bit more to go. He reassured me that as long as I kept taking a bit at a time he wouldn't penalize me for going past the original due date of Friday. Which is good because that would mean I'd have to take all 90 tonight.
"You stopped because I was crying so hard,"
"You don't like to hear me cry,"
"Yes, I hate it. It makes me feel bad,"
"Good to know." exaggerated wink... pinch to my bottom.....one last kiss and off to sleep I drifted.
I tried really hard to hold in my sobs last night because I know that he hates to hear me cry and that it does really tear at his heart, but that one particular implement just brings it out of me. He has retired the wooden beast for the time being saying that he would just use other things instead. Not because I asked him to, but because he realized that every time he uses it I end up sobbing myself silly. The thing is by far the worse implement he's used so far. It's not going away forever, though, he said for now we'll use other things.... "for now"
Anyhoo, so I'm down to 90. We'll have to see how much I can take tonight or that he's willing to give. These strokes are really hard...which is what he had promised me.
I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. I know I earned these strokes with my stubbornness and willingness to push him. I hate them, they hurt like hell, but I'm getting better at not using the word ...well...at least around him. I do notice when I say it even if he's not around to hear it and I curse to myself for having said it. Maybe his point is getting across... just maybe.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.
It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.
I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.
I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.
I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.
So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.
Monday, November 9, 2009
He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.
He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.
So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"
We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.
---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----
So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.
"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.
I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.
A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.
I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.
I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.
I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.
Friday, November 6, 2009
If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.
The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)
It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.
I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?
I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.
Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"
And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?
It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.
TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)
I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?
When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Ever hear the phrase: "Your mouth is writing checks your butt can't cash,"?
Well, that phrase was invented for me, I'm sure of it. Even if it was first said decades before my birth, the person saying it must have known about me in some way.
TJ has made a new rule (He's been doing that a lot lately): I am no longer allowed to say the word: "Whatever" Which really sucks because it is the perfect word. It fits so nicely into so many different conversations:
What do you want for dinner? Whatever.
What would you like to drink? Whatever.
No, you can't have any more halloween candy. Fine, whatever.
You can't just go off on me like that cos your mad. Whatever.
10 minutes til bed. Whatever!
See..perfect word. (Although, when I explained that to TJ he tried to use it...and...it's really a girl word I think. Doesn't sound right when a man says it)
Along with this new rule there is a of course a consequence. "5 hard swats for each time the word is said," HUH!?!?
I did pretty good for about two days. Last night (which wasn't a great night all around) I muttered the word under my breath and he heard me...from another room (I think he was listening for it..cos it just fit so nicely into that conversation) "That's 5!" he called from his room.
"Whatever!" I called back.
"Whatever!!!!" I yelled back.
"Whatever!!!!!!!" (this pattern continued until I was up to 35 swats)
Time came to pay the piper. The spanking (for the original crime) didn't go so well...we were both in bad places. He called off the spanking for the night.
"You still owe me 35 for the whatevers, you're not getting out of those," he explained. "You are in Spanko debt!" and he laughed quite hardily at his own jest.
Not funny... at least he's not charging interest! Blech!
Monday, November 2, 2009
In any case....I actually got around to posting a short story on EFF and even put up a blurb on my writing blog. So take a peak over there while I'm getting my bottom tanned...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Take today. TJ is in a wedding today (Yes, on Halloween and no the couple did not bother to actually use the holiday in their theme...just a plain wedding that is taking me away from my kids on their trick or treat day!...but I digress). This wedding happens to be downtown so we decided to splurge and get a hotel room instead of trekking back to my parents house at midnight to get the kiddies and then trek another 45 minutes to get home. Hurray for us a night with no kids (Dont' worry I've brought the essentials...black leather paddle, purple flogger, etc...)
The bride of this wedding decided she wanted the wedding party to be at the hotel at 11:30...6 hrs before the ceremony... so that the photographer can take candids of everyone getting dressed. Fine, I got to check in early and I got to be in the hotel room while TJ was off taking pictures (after we properly got settled in the room WEG)
Here I am. I'm sitting downtown with my computer and have all afternoon to write.
I have nothing. Nada.....my characters in my story have decided they are going to take a holiday today as well. So...I figure...go out...get some lunch.
Problem. I'm not adventurous. I'm not a thrill seeker. I dont' want to go searching the unknown all by myself, at least. I'm in the middle of greek town surrounded by tons of wonderful restaurants and I ended up just grabbing a turkey sandwich in the hotel diner. Which really after paying my 18 dollars for a sandwich and soda...I realized...I could have sat by myself in another restaurant instead... But...I couldn't get my feet to move in the direction of the entrance door to any of the wonderful restaurants I passed on my walk.
This is a quality about myself that annoys me to no end. I have the hardest time meeting people because I don't really want to talk to strangers. Its a comfort zone thing..something perhaps TJ can help me with.. I don't really know.
But one thing I learned today. Just cos people like to be spanking, whipped, dominated or whatever does not mean they have the balls to eat in a restaurant all alone... or is it just me?
Anyhooo... HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone. I'm off to nap before getting dolled up and heading to the wedding.
As for the leather paddle and the flogger? I'm going to leave them on the bed so TJ can see them right when we walk in tonight...Wonder if it will be a trick or treat for me tonight!? WEG
Monday, October 26, 2009
"I saw the bowl," he stated.
"It doesn't count," she mumbled.
"Go get an ice-cube," he directed.
"Why?" she looked shocked.
"My hand hurts and you need to be punished," was all he said. "Go get an ice cube,"
She walked slowly to the kitchen and retrieved the cube from the freezer. Once back in his office she handed him the frozen cube and wondered what he was going to do with it. She thought about it tracing her nipples and she smiled inwardly...no that would be kinda fun!
"Lay down," he sat back in his chair.
"On my back?" she questioned and he nodded.
"Pull your pants and panties down," his next instruction came and she hesitated a moment before she followed his directions. "Open your legs,"
She stared at him as she slowly spread her legs, feeling the blush overtake her cheeks as he could see all of her. She loved and loathed being looked at in such a fashion.
The next thing she felt was the freezing drippings from the ice cube dripping on her vagina. She sucked in her breath as he lightly touched her clit with ice cube and looked away from him trying to hide the embarrassment.
He was slow in his movements, starting at the top of her lips and moving downward, pausing a short moment before beginning the assent. He rested the cube on her clit again, grinding it gently.
She covered her eyes with her hands and tried not to call out. At first the ice had caused nothing but slight discomfort but the longer he held it in place, the more he ran it up and down her pussy she could feel the burn of it.
"Does it hurt?" he asked her in a husky voice.
"A little," she lied-and he knew it.
"Do you know what else hurts?" he asked and she peeked through her fingers at him. "Disobeying me hurts," he stated and pressed the cube furhter into her folds. "What will you do next time?"
"Ask permission before having sweets!" she answered swiftly earning herself a chuckle.
"That was fast!" he ran the cube up and down her a few more times and then pulled it away. "Ok...pull your pants back up," and he stepped over her to throw the ice cube into the bathroom sink. She first covered herself to help warm her private area, then pulled on her panties and her pajama pants. "Let's take you up to bed," he smiled at her when he returned to the room.
He took her up the stairs to their room, tucked her into bed, kissed her good night and left her to her own thoughts and feelings....
FACT OR FANTASY? YOU DECIDE!
Friday, October 23, 2009
What is a girl to do? TJ is a little under the weather and I'm not sure if he'll be up to it tonight...
In any event here's my thoughts:
Bent over a table, nude (why nude? I don't know..I actually hate being nude)
a long warm up with a wooden paddle and then a long strapping with his thick black belt. (Again...I hate the belt why crave it tonight?)
Oooh and the pink hair brush we have..that is a nice warm thuddy implement.
...and I wouldn't mind attempting the dowel rod again...after the long warm up..maybe 5 with it?
It's official...I think I've lost my mind.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
TJ came home from work last night and we exchanged pleasantries. He opted out of having dinner with the family and sat in the living room instead. (He apparently wasn't feeling well) I finished feeding the kids and went into the living room to straighten up the toys that littered the floor.
I sat in the rocker for a few minutes and he asked me "Have you thought about what you want to do?" and I asked him what he meant..the kids were within ear shot and it's very much not like him to strike up a conversation like that around them. "About us." he clarified.
I briefly said that I wanted to know what he was thinking. He said it depended on what I wanted in terms of our DD/ D/s side of the marriage. I was very vague in my answer, since the kids were about to pounce on us any second. "Is it worth ending us?" he questioned and when I didn't answer him right away he said "Never mind, we'll talk later. I shouldn't have brought this up right now," and then I got ready to take our oldest out to story night at school.
I texted him to check the blog if he was interested in what my thoughts were. Yesterday was a very dark day for me. No matter what I did I just felt emotionally exhausted and torn up inside. I tried to drown myself in housework but figured "eh...who cares,"- it was just a horrible day.
After the kids were in bed we talked...and talked....and talked...and talked a bit more. He admitted to not understanding my submissive side all that much and when I said that I was forcing him to be someone he's not- he said "No, your not. I'm just feeling rushed...let it happen naturally,"
I can't say that today everything is hunkey dorey cos it's not, but it's better. I assured him I had no intention of leaving him and apologized a million times for ever saying that to him cos I would feel absolutely devastated if he had said it to me. In the days before DD throwing the "D" word around was not unusual but it has been a loooooooooooooooong time since I did that. Not something I plan to ever repeat.. and I could not feel more remorseful for it. I was hurt and angry and I wanted him to feel the same.
He spanked last night. Not as a punishment but as a "reset" (as I referred to it upon requesting it). Just to re-establish us as us. It was the best spanking I've had in a long time and it worked wonderfully.....that and the make-up sex helped too!
So, as usual it will work out. There's going to be some time for healing first, though I think. It's never pretty when both people go into their dark places during an argument. But, he loves me like crazy and I'm just as smitten with him.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
But I can't.....well, I could but that would be lying- which is a skill I have never mastered.
It's all gone wrong. Very very very wrong. There was an argument- a fight of disastrous proportions. The horrible "D" word was thrown out, judgments were passed, feelings were trampled on.
I have never felt so raw, so vulnerable, so rejected and so utterly alone than I do right this moment, and did last night. I find myself wishing I had never stumbled upon this world of spanking, control and submission. If I had never found my submissive side, would we both be happier?
Is there a way to take these submissive feelings, these needs I have, and shove them away? Hide them from even myself? Because if there's a way I think I would like to do just that.
Shouldn't a person feel loved even if their husband doesn't spank them or discipline them or give a rats ass what she's up to? Shouldn't hugs and kisses do the same as whips and paddles? Is there something wrong with a person who feels more in touch with their partner because he has given permission or denied permission to do something?
In Secretary there is a part of the movie where Lee is walking home through the park and she says "Because he gave his permission....because he insisted... I felt held by him..." (Not the exact words but close enough) That just sums it up nicely I think....and I can't get TJ to understand. I wont' place blame on him. He's done the best he can..no scratch that...he's done the best he's willing to do.
I can't play the submissive and the Dominant parts at the same time. I can't give information when information isn't wanted. Life isn't a play...I can't stop the scene to give directions to the players.
It's all a very big mess and I feel utterly lost and foolish.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Problem: Last night he tucked me in bed at 10:15....I had a book in my hand and he gave me a lopsided grin and asked if I planned to read. I nodded yes and mustered up the most adorable pleading smile I could...it worked. "Fifteen minutes then lights out," he kissed me and headed out of the room. I turned out the lights at 11:59.. if you did the math right you will see I was 1.5 hrs late. I had to finish the book...and really he should know this about me.
When I was younger I'd stay up until dawn finishing a book and then get about 2 hrs sleep before getting up for school. My father, who worked nights, would come home around 3 am and check on me in my room (cos he saw my light on from the street) "Just a few more minutes then put it away," he'd say. I'd nod, say good night...and finish the book (Do you see the pattern? It's not my fault really)
This morning I woke up cranky as all get out. I ended up snapping at one of the kids and TJ asked me what was wrong. I was near to tears. I had disobeyed him and was sure he'd cancel tonight's activities. I decided to come clean and I told him that I had gone to bed only a few minutes before he had come to bed.
"We'll talk about it tonight," he said. I asked to be let off since I didn't mean to disobey..but I had to finish the book. "You disobeyed me, no, I can't let it go,"
I was worried he'd cancel the fun stuff and he assured me that as long as I didn't do anything else during the day there wouldn't be any cancellation. We'd deal with last night then move on to the fun things.
Next problem: How do you do that? I tried explaining that I can't switch from punishment to fun time that easily. That I was looking forward to a fun spanking and now it would be a bad one (which he agreed that it would be bad) I asked if I could just write him an essay and he laughed.
So there it is. I suggested we handle the punishment right when I get home from work (before we watch our Tuesday show) then we could have fun time afterwards. He said "You get home right before Sons starts," to which I replied "It wasn't that bad of an infraction...do it during a commercial" and was rewarded with another chuckle.
Here's hoping I get through the day without any more trouble!
Friday, October 16, 2009
I'm not even sure what to write about today... No spankings, nothing of real interest to report. Well, there has been one slight development but it would fall under the TMI category for the time being, so I'll keep it to myself for now.
Since there's nothing of interest to report as of now...why dont' you head over to my writing blog and check out my FFF entry. Or head over to Spanky's site and read through all the FFF entries!
Happy Friday I am praying for a spanking this weekend. I have asked for one and he said yes....the "when' is up to him...so who knows!
Monday, October 12, 2009
"It's Monday. You have to get up," He growled and rolled over. I nudged him again. "You have to get up!" and he moaned again, opened his eyes to look at the clock, I figured my job was done and closed my eyes again. I did not go back to sleep; I can't go back to sleep until he's out of bed so I laid there only half dozing. I looked at the clock again and nudged him harder. "It's almost seven! Get up!" and he growled a bit more. I kept nudging him until he finally got out of bed. At this point he was going to be late for work.
I got up, showered, got the baby along with the girls, and finished dressing and making the bed. We all went downstairs. TJ said to me "You need to make sure I'm up. Wake me up nicely but make sure I'm up. I overslept."
I looked at him and balked. "No! You are a grown man! The alarm goes off, I wake you up so that the alarm doesn't wake the kids, but you are a grown man! Get up when I wake you! I'm not gonna keep myself awake to keep nudging you.. Fine! I'll just shove your ass out of bed, that should wake you up,"
He walked away saying that he would just get second alarm clock.
After he was done showering I went into our bedroom and apologized for talking to him that way. I was being cranky and shouldn't have snapped at him. He said it was fine, I had just gotten up and he wasn't mad.
"Don't you get up to shower anyway?" he asked.
"Well, I try to sleep as long as I can," I admitted. "But that never works cos you wont' get up, and I worry that you'll be late for work," I complained. "If you want me to get up at 6 then tell me to get up at 6," I said before my brain could stop my mouth. He looked at me thougthfully for a second.
"Yes, that's a good idea. You get up at 6 now. That way the morning won't be hectic for you, too. As long as the kids sleep that is. You can get up, get me up, shower and get the morning stuff done without so much hurry," Damn him for listening to me!
So now..not only to do I have an actual bedtime I also have a set time to get up in the morning. It's not that bad...he has it set so I'm getting 8 hrs of rest, and i know he's right about the bedtime. Left up to me, I stay up til midnight and then am a complete monster in the morning.
I'm happy with this... just adjusting to it, I suppose. I wonder how I shall wake him up tomorrow...he did stress "NICELY" several times...think he doesn't trust me? LOL It will be hard, he is harder to wake than the dead most of the time.
And..for all of you dirty minded folks out there...That way won't work! WEG
Sunday, October 11, 2009
1.) I am to learn how to mend clothes. - I hate mending, as far as I'm concerned if there's a hole, toss it.
2.) I am to be ready (teeth brushed and pj's on) for bed by 10 pm without complaint.
3.) he wants me to make his lunch for work every day.
#3 has been taken back and isn't really a rule now. Let me explain. When he told me about that I reminded him that we had tried that at one point and it didn't work out. I, also, pointed out that I'm already busy in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and the baby doesn't make it easy in the morning. He didn't really see those things as a good reason not to expect me to make his lunch. I can easily get the lunches (his and the 5 yr olds) ready the night before. As for what worked before or didn't work before...not relevant. This is now, he said.
We talked about it some more and I said. "I like making your lunch for you, and I do try to get it done," to which he agreed but said that he was wanting me to make it a priority. I then went on to explain. "I like doing it because it makes you happy, and I want to make you happy. But if you make it a 'have to', I'm afraid that it will just be one more thing on my to-do list and I'll become overwhelmed."
As it is I am the cooker, cleaner, close washer, homework helper (he does this too, just not as much), family accountant...along with my very part-time job and trying to get my writing off the ground, as well as getting my papers in order to go back to college. I'm afraid that taking on his personal things like that might make me feel resentful towards him.
I don't want to give the impression that he's a lazy bum and does nothing. That's not the case.
After our discussion about the additional rules, (I did mention to him I thought the bedtime sucked...which made him laugh but not change his mind) he decided to take away the lunch rule. He explained that it was something he'd like but that he understood what I meant.
He, also, said that he will never make a rule or dictate something that makes me feel 'less than'. That if a rule was making me feel bad (not "uncomfortable"...because "uncomfortable" could only mean I'm trying something new) or was making me feel unappreciated or unloved that he would revoke that rule without a problem. He doesn't want to 'hurt' me...at least emotionally...some of the things he's wanting to do to me physically are definitely going to hurt. WEG
I love to do the things for him that make him happy and feel loved but when it becomes a rule, it sort of takes away from the joy of it. Maybe I should do it because he says I have to, maybe I should be feeling good because he's given me a dictate (and isn't that what I wanted?) but that's not the case. In the end he said to forget it as a rule and we would just see how it goes.
The kicker is: I try really hard to make his lunch normally anyway. However, as soon as he said it was a rule... I didn't want to anymore. The thought "I don't have enough things I have to do in the morning or to get ready for the next day...now I have one more!?" popped in my head and I felt a slight surge of resentment/anger.
Does this make me less submissive or less then what I want to be? I dunno. I don't think it makes me less submissive to him of that I'm almost positive. Maybe a different kind of submissive then I had thought I was...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
So, I'm unloading it all onto you,unsuspecting readers.
1. Too many parents have volunteered to help with the party I'm organizing for my 5 yr old's class.
2. One parent decided to "write in" what she wants to donate to the party on the donation sheet I sent home. Apparently my request for cupcakes (which too many ppl said yes to, as well) was not to her liking..so she wrote in another line for "halloween cookies" and checked it off.
3. I haven't written anything new all week and that is driving me nuts.
4. My mother has decided that instead of us taking her and my dad out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary, they will just be coming over to my house... so now I have to cook.
5. I haven't had a spanking IN WHAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER!!!!!!!
I think #5 is really the bugger of them all! The party stuff...I'll figure that out...I'll have to disappoint a few parents who want to attend, I'll have to tell cookie lady thanks but no thanks to the damn cookies (cupcakes are enough for any 5 yr old to stuff down their face after lunch..they'll be winning candy all afternoon from the games on top of it)
Then there is this thing..this un-named thing hanging over me. We've decided that the whole "Blech" thing was hormone related and now things are back on track...sort of. Yesterday, I mentioned to TJ (in my journal...cos I still have trouble verbalizing some of all this to him) that I think I needed a way to get into my "groove" after I get home from work. (which is only 1-2 times a week). I also mentioned the word "Rituals" of sorts...
As he tucked me in last night he told me that he had been thinking the same thing lately and had a few ideas. What are those ideas? Good question. As soon as I get the answer I just might pass it along... maybe not.....I find myself a little more gun-shy when it comes to talking about this area.
I'm not ashamed of it...it's just totally new waters for me. This isn't just spanking anymore. The road has turned and I have absolutely no idea where it's going and my biggest fear is the unknown...if it's unknown, how can I control it?
See, stress takes up too much damn energy. I'm going to have a piece of homemade (by me, thank you very much!) apple pie and then I'm going to write something kinky for flash fiction friday, that you will find on my writing blog tomorrow.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Lately,I have been brushing up on my grammar. (Not that you will see the benefit of my work here ...I'm not in grammar mode right now lol)
Anyway...I was on a site, grammar-monster, that has lessons, tests, examples and such. Well, I turned to the section on colons today and what do I behold???
Need I say more?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I don't know why I can't simply be content when I'm content!
I mean really! Things were moving along splendidly. We have been happy..well except for the whole Blech issue, which is slowly moving away. I've been following the rules without even much effort. We've had some fun and he's even given me a little treat this week because of how happy I've been making him and visa versa.
So what do I do? I muck it up!
I don't know why but I have such a horrid time keeping gas in the van at the level in which he requires it. I just kept saying to myself "Stop tomorrow. The girls are in the car and you have get out cos you're using cash...ugh..just go tomorrow" Well, tomorrow finally came...... today when the gas light went on...with TJ in the van with me.
The light popped on and I started to laugh, cos it was a little funny since I had just reminded myself to go to the gas station...tomorrow. "We need to stop for gas," I smiled at him and he looked over at the console and made a face. I can't even really describe the face...not angry, but not amused... more annoyed I suppose.
So I laughed all the way to gas station while he kept an eye on the gas gauge. "I can get all the way to work on that light! Stop worrying!" I said to him, which did not improve his glare. We were literally 1.5 miles from the gas station, we were going to be just fine.
I pulled into the station, aimed for the pump I wanted, and took my foot off the gas and coasted to the pump exclaiming "OH NO...I don't know if we are gonna make it!" (Insert laughter)
He pulled my hair! Yes...the man actually pulled on my ponytail. Not only that, he then said: "You are pumping!" Because it was raining. I just laughed more. I made a few more smart ass comments about gas pumping. (They were really funny comments, too. TJ even laughed at them)
I went in, paid for the gas and went back to pump it. He came out of the car and offered to finish cos he was going crazy with the kids in the van. (Who were having a 'who can scream the loudest' contest..yes all 3 of them...nice that the girls included the baby)
We had a short chat. Nothing serious, he mentioned that he was looking forward to coming home tonight. Something about it not mattering if I was asleep, he'd just wake me up. The last thing he said before I left him to finish was that he would "Grab the paddle you don't like and go to town on your ass!" which I'm sure the guy at the next pump heard. I just laughed and hopped in the car.
Yes, it was all funny..at the time. Before he left for his evening out he kissed me and looked into my eyes and said "I can't wait to get home!" and slapped my bottom, told me to be good and headed out.
Ok...so maybe I was pushing for a spanking cos I haven't had one in a while. I really dont' want a punishment, though. I know the gas thing is big to him, not to me at all, but to him it is.
Since it's a big issue for him...shouldn't it be a big issue for me? His wants and his rules should be a priority to me. Not just when I want them to be.
Like if he made a rule that I was totally in agreement with I could be on board 100%. I want to be on board with the rule even if I think it's stupid but it's a big thing to him.
I want him to be proud of me again, I want to hear how happy he is with me again. All kidding aside... I want to hear that "good girl" again. (Have I ever mentioned how weak in the knees I get when he says that?) I want to submit to even the dumb things, not just the things I think are important...isn't that the point of being submissive...or at least some part of it?
I think my funk is ending and I just finding a new groove or something. I dont' really know.... He's not going to be home for another 2 hrs or so. I have an urge to watch "Secretary"...so I shall.
...maybe he'll come home and have forgotten. Will that be a good thing or bad?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I struggle sometimes between what I want to say and what I should say. As if there is a line I've drawn somewhere about what I want talk about on this blog and where my relationship with TJ is and I feel as though I'm teetering on the that line.
As if something I say might shock someone to the point that they never return. Or that someone who has found my blog by looking into domestic discipline might be turned off because I'm 'too extreme' or something. Obviously, I do not tell ALL on here mostly because some things aren't for public consumption when it comes to my marriage. However, lately I feel as though I'm censoring myself for the sake of others.
When I think rationally I think: This is my blog, I started it to help give me an outlet for just throwing out the ideas that were banging around in my head. I need to simply stay true to myself and post whatever feelings I have rattling around my head.
For example: Last night TJ was tucking me into bed and expressing his concerns about me lately. I had told him yesterday morning that I was losing the 'submissiveness urge' and it was getting me down. He's concerned because he doesn't like to see me unhappy.
It's not that I'm not happy. It's just that where a few weeks ago I was happier then a pig in mud sitting on the floor beside his computer chair rubbing his feet (Something I used to growl about doing for him) while we chatted about the day, now I find myself growling again about doing it.
He said last night when I groaned as he laid next to me in the living room and put his feet on my lap, "You'll do it because you love to make your husband happy," he reminded me. I just rolled my eyes and removed his socks. He was right, of course, and doing that simply act did make me feel better a little bit.
Then when I asked him why he wasn't naked in bed with me, when he was done telling me how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy his answer was "Because I decide when I come to bed with you," I moaned a bit but the butterflies did flutter a bit in my tummy. Then, just to tease me, he slid his hand under the blanket and tormented me.
"I hate that you can do that to me," I complained when he stopped two seconds into the torture and my heart was racing, my mind spinning, and every ounce of my body yearning for him just by a subtle touch and well worded whisper.
"I love it!" he smiled and kissed me.
Ok...this posted started off on one road and landed somewhere else... that pretty much sums up my brain lately. BLECH!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
There is no help for me! This is on the front page of a craft website for halloween crafts:
I'm working something through my head and I'm going to play it all out right here. Maybe once I've gotten it out of my head I will better understand my own thoughts on the subject.
The other night when TJ wanted to spank me for my "whatever" attitude I was a bit hesitant. Acutally, I was downright defiant at first. I told him it would do no good and I simply did not get into position for him. He won't ever force me into position, I have to accept the punishment being given to me. He stared at me for a few minutes and I could tell he wasn't really sure what to do with me. He was displeased, that much was evident, but he was also unsure.
Finally he threw the belt down and said "Fine. Go to bed. You wont' take your punishment, go to bed. Take the blue blanket with you," he ordered referring the the fleece throw on the couch.
"Why?" I questioned.
He went on to explain that I was not to sleep in the bed. That if I wouldn't be obendient and take my punishment that I would spend the night on the floor. That sleeping in bed with him was not a right but a privilege and since he had every intention of sleeping in bed I was to curl up on the floor.
What the.... ???? you may be asking....yeah...me too. What ball field did that ball come flying out of?!
I just stared at him open mouthed at first. Obviously, if you read my last post, I took my punishment....which really didn't turn out to be a punishment but an open door to a much needed discussion.
Later, that evening once we were in bed together, I asked him if he had really planned on letting me sleep on the floor. He answered that he was fully prepared to let me sleep on the floor.
Here is my issue.
1) A privilege not a right?
2) I doubt I'd ever actually comply with sleeping on the floor..I dont' think...would I?
3) I didn't argue it. I didn't say "No that's not ok" instead I did what I had to do in order for that situation not to happen.
I feel like I'm in some middle world. Not quite in DD country but not in D/s land either... I know...don't label it.
We've had a talk about our limits and such. Things I will NOT do or tolerate and he things he will NOT do or tolerate. This is new territory for me and I could seriously use a GPS or a flipping compass would even help.
post update: I talked with TJ this morning, after this post was sent out (I had it scheduled). He explained that it wasn't the bed that was the issue but him being in it with me. I thought to keep himself away from me was a horrible punishment and that's why we had implemented DD in our marriage to begin with. To keep us from avoiding each other. What he meant was that if I'm not going to take a punishment that we had agreed to then he wouldn't share our bed with me. So...I think I've worked this through.... I think..................
Friday, September 25, 2009
I'll be honest, I don't remember what set me off or even what I said but I said just enough to get TJ upset. Tj has been favoring his belt lately. I, on the other hand, despise the black leather creature and wish I could somehow accidentally destroy the beast.
The spanking wasn't that long but it adequately got us past the issue. The thing about TJ is no matter how stern he is before and during the spanking he is all gooey love afterward. He always hugs and kisses me and asks me to reaffirm that I love him. The lovemaking was also nice. (I'm snickering here, cos it was actually mind blowing passionate sex)
Yesterday was not the best of days for me. I found out that I will most likely be needing surgery on a part of my body most people would rather not have another human being (other then your S/o) look at much less operate on. I was not feeling very good about it at all and instead of telling TJ about how unsexy I felt I just threw the word "whatever" at him whenever he warned me for my tone.
Finally having enough of that he beckoned me to his office. I followed, reluctantly, and tried to tell him that I wasn't in the right frame of mind and that spanking me would get us no where. Boy was I wrong! The spanking did not fix my emotions, however, it got me to tell him what my emotions were. Once I blurted out what was wrong with me he sat back and dropped his belt. He had me curl up on his lap and we talked.
He was totally loving and supportive. He did explain that if I'm feeling something like that it's not an excuse to act out, that I am suppose to tell him so he can help me. He can't fix the physical thing that's wrong but he can help me to emotionally deal with it.
So by being open and vulnerable with him I have allowed him to love me, all of me. Who knew!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I think I've mentioned before that TJ and I have been delving a bit deeper, lately, into our relationship. I've put more effort into being obedient and giving myself over to him more. Not just sexually but in all areas of myself.
I'm feeling a bit shy for some reason, I don't usually feel shy on my blog. After all, it's my blog, although everything I post is true, my identity is completely hidden. (except from the 1 rl friend of mine who has the address but is too afraid to come peek) So, it's not as if I'm going turn the corner and bump into a reader and they are going to point and laugh at me..but none the less tonite I'm feeling shy. So, I wont' go more into the details of what has changed over the past few weeks..only to say that they have and that it's been going awesomely well.
I've started a journal for TJ. I put things in there that I'm a bit embarrassed to verbalize directly to his face.The other day , I had a few questions regarding this new adventure of ours and one was asking him if he's been happy with the changes. Before he even read the entry he made a point of telling me that he was thinking during the day how happy he has been. That he has been thinking more and more about me and our relationship lately, more so then ever before. Thereby answering my question before it was asked.
He then told me later on the same evening how sexy I've been. Now...I'm home with the kids all day, and am either running errands, dropping a kid off at school, or doing school work with them. I've been better at getting one some makeup on before he gets home but usually I look a wreck...he said "You've been more obedient...much more submissive to me lately...I dunno...it's just really sexy!"
I won't label this change, and I won't even label myself for once. I am just his wife, his obedient, submissive, sexy wife. And I find nothing sexier then his dominant personality that is shining through. We have never felt more natural or loving towards each other.
I will go into it more later.....maybe.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I had the radio on to help keep me awake while driving down the darkened roads and after a song finished the DJ came on with some blurb about advice to men out there on dates with women. He stated (supposedly from some article or something) that there are 4 things men should absolutely NOT do while on a date.
1. Order for her
2. Open the door for her
3. Pull out her chair for her
4. Carry her purse
He made some smart ass remark about women's lib and blah blah blah. Is this true?
Are men really being told to be less gentlemanly? Are women so insecure about their own feminine qualities that they feel a man holding a door for them would make them weak and feeble in the eyes of society? Really?
Aside from #4 I don't see how any of these things makes me less womanly or why they would make me feel weak. I am all for women's rights. We are just as smart, just as capable as any man out there but that doesn't mean we are men. I am a woman, just look up my skirt and you can tell. (well not really...I don't really wear skirts..but I digress)
Tj often will order for me. He doesn't pick my meal but if I've told him what I'm planning on ordering he will order for me. "She'll have the...and I'll have the..." Oh, but if he were to pick my meal..what a whirlwind of emotions that would cause. All of them warm and fuzzy...at least I think.
Opening the door for me? Not only do I love it when he does this (with three kids in tow it's really a survival technique to get through the doors at all) I love it more when he places his hand on the small of my back as if to lead me through it. My father does this as he walks a woman through a doorway..at least to my mom and myself and my sister. Never does he do this to another man. Unless you count grabbing my brother by the scruff of his neck and shoving him through the door because he's walked ahead of my mother.. lol (again I digress)
Holding out the chair for me. He's never done this, that I remember. I don't see how it would make anyone feel 'less than' though.
The purse thing...well...ok..I have to agree with this. Don't carry my purse...it just looks silly. lol
I was thinking about this as I continued my drive and about my son. What to teach him as he grows into a man. Respect women, adore them, love them, care for them, and always be a gentlemen (even if they aren't very ladylike). Never think you are better then a woman simply because of your anatomy.
I don't understand how we went from wanting equality in the voting booth and the work place to wanting to be utterly unfeminine? There are two different sexes out there. Male. Female. What is so damn wrong with that?