Monday, January 31, 2011

Sometimes it goes badly...

TJ decided that I was to get a spanking last night for a transgression that I am not proud of. Nothing completely horrible, but still not my best moment. He wasn't really mad...well I guess he was...but he was "disappointed" in me (which is worse, by the way). I actually did everything I could think of to get out of the spanking because I knew that he really meant business and I really didn't want it to happen. Nothing worked, but he did smile a lot and say how adorable I look when I'm ashamed of myself. Apparently, I do a lot of blushing.

When it came time to "pay the piper" I did sincerely explain my fears to him. It's been a long time since he spanked for anything and I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to stand it. I was afraid that all my wiggling and squirming would only make him angrier. He assured me that I would do fine and that he would be patient.

He prepared the house by locking the door and starting the dishwasher "To drown out your screams" (he was chuckling when he said that-always the kidder!) He went into his room to search out his "Friend" and came out with a dowel rod. I shook my head and tried to walk away.

"I just said that I dont' think I can stand a regular spanking, and you bring out that thing?!" He walked over to me and hugged me.

"Have some faith in your husband," he whispered and led me over to the laundry room door. "Hands on the door," he directed me, and I did as he told me.

He starting out with his lecture and they why's and what's as usual, the entire time swishing that damn thing in air behind me. He reached over and yanked my pants down to my ankles and folded my shirt up so it was out of his way.

I stood there feeling that stupid wooden demon tapping against my bottom and my thighs as he talked and all I could think about was how much it was going to hurt. The immense sting it would create, the hopping around I would do, the aggravation I was going to cause. The longer this went on the more scared I got, the deeper my breathing became, and the faster the tears came and before I knew it, I was crying. He hadn't even given me a single stroke of the rod yet and I was crying. I'll be completely honest that the tears had nothing to do with remorse.

I was of course sorry for what I had done, but the tears were simply fear and more fear.

TJ quickly put his hand on my back and said "Oh, baby don't cry," which really opened te flood gates.

"I'm just so scared of that thing," I blubbered. "I won't be able to stand it, and you'll be mad," He turned me around and hugged me tightly.

"Please don't cry. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't want to hurt you---well, not like this anyway." and he hugged me while I tried to get control of myself again. When I was feeling a bit better he walked away to put the rod away and I started crying again.

"I fucked it all up!" I wiped my eyes. "This is the first time in like forever that you were going to spank me and I fucked it all up!" He laughed a little and hugged me again. He did give me a little bit of a lecture on what I did and then he told me to get up to bed.

When he climbed in bed, about an hour later, he told me he loved me. I apologized for making a muck of the whole thing and he held me tighter. He assured me there would be other times and that I didn't screw anything up.

I felt like a complete idiot! I'm not getting any punihsment for what I did because he felt bad for scaring me like that, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It was the first real offense I've committed...the one time that I think I really deserved a serious punishment and I'm getting off because I was scared.

Blech!!! Damned either way!

On the up side: the spanking was his idea.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Once and again

I'm not sure what happened.

I made my decision. I wasn't going put up with it anymore, I was going to do what needed to be done so that I could move forward. I was going to ask TJ for a separation. I was all set to do it, I was only waiting until after the new year. I knew exactly what I was going to say, knew what I wanted from him, and was ready to go.

The night came that I had planned to have the talk with him, the kids were in bed sleeping, the house was cleaned up from all the holiday crap and it was just the two of us. I opened my mouth to start the conversation and nothing. Not a peep came out. I shut my mouth and tried again, nothing. He was starting to look at me strangely.

"What?" he asked me when I made a third attempt. "You ok?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my forehead. I sighed. We watched a movie instead.

I don't' know why I didn't say what I was thinking, other than I didn't really want him to move out anymore.

The following night I told him all of this and he stared at me blankly.

"You didn't want to have the talk or you didn't want the separation?" he asked.

"I think I didn't want the separation any more."

"Well, as long as your sure. Are we separating?" he asked pointedly.

"I don't think so."

"I dont' understand. Nothings changed -" And the light bulb illuminated. "Oh." he said flatly.

"Exactly," I smiled.

Is everything fine and dandy? Nope, far from it. The problems are still there...he has still made little effort to resolve the issues...but he has made some. I can't say what happened, why I changed my mind, or why my heart warmed towards him again... but it did.

During the same conversation, TJ mentioned that I was to get a spanking for letting the gas tank empty that day (the light went on with all the kids in the car and he was worried we wouldn't get to a gas station in time) I said "We agreed not to do that anymore..remember?"

"Uh, no. You said we weren't doing it anymore. I said that after the holidays were over we'd be getting right back into it."

"After what I just said, you're gonna spank me?"

"Are we separating?"


"Then yes. I'm going to spank you."

And he did. It was weird. My head wasn't really into it. It hurt a lot since it's been a few months since my last spanking. It seemed a little silly. I didn't argue though, I went with it.

I have no idea what's going to happen next. It's like my life is a chapter book...did I choose the right path? We'll see.