Lately I've been battling the same battle of I want more and he doesn't seem to be able to do more and I started to really think about the whole dynamic. Yes, I crave it. I try to stuff it down deep inside and hide from it and am pretty successful for a few months but then it creeps up on me like heartburn after a bad piece of pizza. It burns and screams until I have no choice but to address it.
And when I address it, things get ugly around here. I slip into a self made pool of misery and just shut him out completely. Sure that he won't accept me, positive that he will reject me. Afterall, I must be positively sick in the head to want what I want. To be owned and possessed in the way that I want. No self respecting woman in 2011 would want this, right?!
Of course I'm wrong! I know it in my head but then a huge dark cloud of self doubt forms over my head and engulfs me.
I want desperately to surrender to it, this craving of submission. I want to give in and let it take over me but there is a huge road block. Me. Some idiotic voice screams at me "You can not let him tell you what to do!" "Why are you letting spank you!?! You are an adult woman!" This is the voice that wins over when I smirk at him and am flippant about an order he's given.
How can I ever expect him to dominate when I seem unable to submit? I still get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that should I submit to him fully, he would be repulsed by me, the weak pathetic woman kneeling at his feet.
So my defenses go up. My heart hardens and I refuse, I try to force him to force me into submission- and who the hell wants that!?
I want him to show me that it's ok to be submissive. I want to know that/feel that even at my most submissive moment he will love me and want me. I need that security, that he's not judging me, that he's not thinking how pathetic I am. I need to know that I'm not making a fool of myself.
I want desperately to explore this side of myself, if I could simply stop being so damn afraid he'll find me severely lacking and walk out the door. What if I were to give over completely and he simply rejected me??
Doesn't he see that for me to be unowned is to feel unloved? That I am trapped all alone in this without him to help guide me? Yes, I've explained it and he says he gets it...but none the less I retreat into my shell and try to cure myself of this.
I can't talk with him about it anymore, it's too embarrassing. I feel humiliated and exhausted after trying to talk with him. He always soothes me, says he loves me no matter what, and swears we will find the right balance... which is my signal to retreat.
He doesn't seem to notice the retreat or maybe he's glad for it....