Wednesday, October 21, 2009

no title

I would like to say that last night was beyond my wildest fantasies/dreams or that the spanking was a just and fair punishment. I would love to say that all is well here in our home.

But I can't.....well, I could but that would be lying- which is a skill I have never mastered.

It's all gone wrong. Very very very wrong. There was an argument- a fight of disastrous proportions. The horrible "D" word was thrown out, judgments were passed, feelings were trampled on.

I have never felt so raw, so vulnerable, so rejected and so utterly alone than I do right this moment, and did last night. I find myself wishing I had never stumbled upon this world of spanking, control and submission. If I had never found my submissive side, would we both be happier?

Is there a way to take these submissive feelings, these needs I have, and shove them away? Hide them from even myself? Because if there's a way I think I would like to do just that.

Shouldn't a person feel loved even if their husband doesn't spank them or discipline them or give a rats ass what she's up to? Shouldn't hugs and kisses do the same as whips and paddles? Is there something wrong with a person who feels more in touch with their partner because he has given permission or denied permission to do something?

In Secretary there is a part of the movie where Lee is walking home through the park and she says "Because he gave his permission....because he insisted... I felt held by him..." (Not the exact words but close enough) That just sums it up nicely I think....and I can't get TJ to understand. I wont' place blame on him. He's done the best he can..no scratch that...he's done the best he's willing to do.

I can't play the submissive and the Dominant parts at the same time. I can't give information when information isn't wanted. Life isn't a play...I can't stop the scene to give directions to the players.

It's all a very big mess and I feel utterly lost and foolish.

.

4 comments:

allycat4141 said...

Measha, I am so sorry for what you are going through. All I can say is I think I know how you feel. I've experienced much frustration over TTWD, it is not an easy thing. I hope things settle for you soon, hang in there.
Ally

Meow said...

Measha, I'm so sorry to read this. Please give yourselves time to get over the feelings of rejection, anger and doubt. You didn't choose submissive feelings out of thin air. They are within you and probably always will be. It is a mess right now but don't feel foolish for having the feelings you have. It took us many years and many fights to get everything out in the open. Please don't give up! Meow

Katia said...

Measha- I am sorry things have hit a rough patch. DD is hard, and sometimes places expectations higher. I hope that things will get worked out, and you will become closer because of this.
You have my number if you need to vent.
Hugs,
Katia

ronnie said...

Sorry for the way your feeling, I hope you get everything worked out.

I'm sorry I can't offer any real advise but wanted to send a hug.

Love.
Ronnie
xx