A struggle

I am doing my best to turn my focus on to my own self. How I behave and how I react to others behavior, and I'm not doing all that bad. It's just this one tiny area I'm having a really hard time with.

TJ has accepted responsibility for something...signing the kids up for a program at the park, and I am doing my very best to back off, not to get in his way, or nag. I am trying very hard to either cheer his success or... well...that's where I'm stuck.

Should he not succeed. Should he do the usual thing he does, and completely forget. What do I do then? I have every intention of doing nothing to rectify the situation. This ball is in his hands and should he drop it...it will either be him that picks it up or it will simply roll away on the ground. I will not swoop in and fix it; it will stay broken. And it sucks for the kids because there is a chance they won't get signed up for this particular program. (Though, I'm pretty sure they have long forgotten about it) But how do I react?

Well, I know how I will react..I will get angry, disappointed, feel let down, annoyed, frustrated...etc. The question really is what will I do? Will I yell? Will I point out that once again he has not done something he promised me he would take care of? Will I cry? Will I pout? Will I scream and bang my fists on the table? Or will I simply let it go and hope he takes the next opportunity to step up and be the responsible man I know he can be?

To be honest I don't know what I will do. I have asked him a few times if he knew when the program started and each time he has said "Oh crap! I need to do that tonight!". I haven't pressured him, I haven't rolled my eyes, I've simply said "Well, let me know. I think it runs on Saturdays and I want to make sure I'm not working that day so I can be there for the first day,"

I'll be honest, again, and say I got frustrated with it and finally looked it up to see when the first day is, I'm not working and if he gets them signed up it will be a great day.

I am hoping that I can simply point out to him that he didn't do it and that I will be respectful and let it go... actually, I'm hoping he does it and proves me wrong for having all this anxiety about it. He said he'll do it. I have to trust that he is going to do it! He will do it!

He'll do it....he'll do it...he'll do it. And if he doesn't...I will be good. I will not scream and yell and have a fit. I will simply let it go...but I will NOT fix it. It just won't get done. Focus on me...focus on my reaction...

Do I sound like a broken self help book?

Hi there.....

I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about this past week, but haven't had a second to do so. Things are starting to go well, things are starting to look up...I think. You know me, this week it's all sunshine and next week it's all gloom.

I've started getting up at 5 am each morning and going for a long walk. Amazing! I have felt more energy and my days are so much more upbeat, and I get to think. I've been thinking a lot about my submission to TJ. There are still a few things about TJ that worry me or rather piss me off, but when compared to the other wonderful things, it's not that huge of a deal...at the moment, anyway. Anyway, what I've been thinking about is the difference between submission and subservience.

I do enjoy getting TJ a cup of tea, doing his laundry, and even making his lunch (when time permits) but I do not do these things because I'm the submissive one. I do these things because I enjoy doing it. I've made it a point this week of getting him a glass of water when he gets home from work. Not because he has asked me to or that he expects is, but because I know that's the first thing he does when he gets home, so I've just taken it upon myself to get the glass of water and place it on the counter for him. He hasn't really commented on it other than to be surprised and give me a thanks, and a kiss. At first I worried that I was starting to get into a mode of "serving" him that was going to make me feel uneasy. However, it hasn't happened.

I don't do the little things for him because he requires it, I do them because I love the smile on his face when I do. The warm kiss he gives me when I bring him a cup of tea in the evening is worth the two seconds it takes to put the tea bag in the cup with some hot water. I have also found that the more little things I do for him, the more little things he does for me. He is more affectionate, more loving, and he will offer to help with things I would normally just take care of.

I used to want him to make me a list of things to do. A "rule" list. Now, I just figure...if I want to bring him his tea each night...do it. Why make him make me? If I want to have a glass of water ready for him when he gets home...do it. No need to wait for a "command", I know it will make him happy, and isn't that the goal? To make each other happy? Maybe this doesn't really fall under the "submissive" category...perhaps more under the "just being nice" category. And, I'm working on not expecting things back in return... working on it.... LOL

The skirts I mentioned previously.

I have stuck to it. I have worn a skirt or dress every day this week, except for at work cos I have to wear scrubs. TJ has commented on it. He is also enjoying my new habit of sleeping in the buff.

The more submissive I behave the more Dominant he behaves. Even for subtle little things.

The other night I came home from work (12 hr shift) and my phone rang just as I walked in the door, it was my sister. I answered the call and started to put my purse down and get my coat off, TJ didn't say anything, just walked out of the room. I coudl tell he wasn't all that thrilled though.

A little while later, after I had given him a kiss goodnight and started to head up stairs, he called me back.

"Hey, when you walk in the door, you don't answer your phone. You kiss me hello and talk to me, you can call back who ever is calling. You haven't seen me all day and I had to wait until you were done on the phone to even get a kiss." And he said all seductively dommish. I just stared at him a second before nodding my head. He kissed me again and sent me off to bed with a pinch to my bottom.

So, things have been crazy here with work, the kids, and getting a paper for my class written, but things are also good. Not great, yet, but I can only work on me...and I am hard work!

"Don't cry because it's over....smile because it happened" - Dr. Suess

I have no more vacation time coming to me until June so there will be no day together that TJ would have liked. Oh well.

I was thinking about submission this morning. I know that some will say if you submit to him he will lead. I am no longer sure that's true. Perhaps in some cases, maybe sometimes that works. However, I don't think that's the case all the time. If you submit to someone who really could care less if you do...is there any actual gratification from it?

TJ has no idea what power he holds and therefore he is useless with it. I don't say that to be disrespectful, I truly don't. I have come to the conclusion that this isn't going to work with us. It just isn't. And I'm starting to be OK with that. Starting to be OK.. not yet but I'm getting there.

To me submitting to someone who is oblivious to it is a waste of energy and it hurts. When I'm doing the things that make him happy (household stuff, taking care of him, and sexual stuff) and he's not participating, or he's reaping the benefits but not putting any energy towards being the Dominant partner I feel taken advantage of, not submissive. Maybe I'm submitting for the wrong reasons... I don't know. But, at this point it doesn't really matter.

This won't end us. I am still in love with him, this doesn't change that. I'll still do the things that make him happy, he's my husband and of course I want him to be happy, but I need to change my thought about him ever taking the lead. (Well, I'll do most of the things, some I can now abandon)

I won't be emailing this blog to him anymore. When I had done that originally it was with his blessing and he had said it was a great idea (he said because he could never remember the blog address) but this blog isn't for him. It's for me. So, it's going to stay for me. (Thank you to Hermione and Ronnie for reminding me of that)

I'm sorry if I sound angry..I'm not really angry at him...like I said I'm starting to be OK with it.. but it's going to take time.

Long Forgotten....

I haven't posted in a few days because I haven't had anything of a positive nature to post, and I didn't want to sound as though I were whining or making TJ out in a bad light. I still don't have anything of a positive nature to post...

"Going with the flow" has turned out to be a very convenient way for TJ to forget all about me. I still haven't pushed him, I'm still "going with the flow" but I have never felt so alone and so forgotten. Since I am no longer pointing a finger and saying 'OK, TJ now you should do this, say this, how about we try this, what if I was to ask permission for this...." nothing has happened. Nothing. Nada. No talk, no empty promises, no touches, nothing. I am just a wife. Not even a spanked wife.

This has made me wonder. What if my need to be submissive towards TJ, what if this craving I have to have him control things in my life/our life is a much simpler need. What if my need really is to have TJ pay attention to my life in general. He is an awesome father and he can make my day turn around just by smiling at me and his touch still makes my knees weaken, so I don't pretend that he is a bad husband, he's, by most accounts, wonderful. However, he..well...responsibility is not his strong suit, which is why I pay the bills, plan vacations, and call the repair guy.

Even that aside... TJ has no true idea what goes on in my day or what I have upcoming in my life. This morning he asked me "Oh, she's taking the bus today?" with a surprised expression regarding our oldest going to school this morning. "Yes, it's Friday." I sighed. "What time do you start work?" I cringed and bit my tongue. "Ten." and in my head I screamed out "The same FUCKING TIME I HAVE STARTED FOR THE PAST FIVE MONTHS!" (pardon my language there, I do try to stay away from that word but it was necessary this morning...at least for my mood) This may not seem like much but this is just a little example that just happened this morning.

The big hurts I keep to myself, except for one. This blog. He has never come here on his own accord. I have even set the settings to email him each post, he's never read them...at least not without me prompting him to. He skips them when he checks his email. I am skipped. I am ignored. This blog is my outlet where I hold very little back when it comes to how I feel about submission and he ignores it. He chooses to ignore it/me.

So, perhaps my submissive nature is really just me wanting him to look at me and pay attention to me. Maybe I just want him to think about me...not just of me. Yes, there's a big difference.

"Measha would really enjoy a night out and she's been really good this past week, I'll see if my mom can take the kids for a night," is thinking about me.
"I need to ask Measha to put more money in my account for gas," is thinking of me.

Maybe I'm not submissive at all, maybe I'm just an attention craved greedy little wench. Either way, right now I'm miserable and feel alone and forgotten.

See...nothing positive...the roller coaster has continued. I am beginning to hate this blog, one week things are great and the next this is happening...over and over again. I envy all those who found these emotions before finding their husbands. If I had understood this about me maybe things would be different.

I have a necklace, a simple necklace that looks like a choker because it is a little tighter around the neck than most necklaces. I put it on a few months ago and commented to TJ that it reminded me of a collar and how it would be nice if he perhaps chose a similar necklace for me to wear. (actually I think I said even a bracelet would be nice...just something special between us) One that he picked out at the store, bought and gave to me with the purpose of it to remind us both of what it meant. He said it was great idea and after valentines day he even admitted that he had thought about doing that for valentines day, but hadn't for whatever reason. I look at my original necklace now and I get embarrassed that I ever shared my thoughts with him about it.

I am embarrassed that I ever shared any of this with him or even with myself. Repress it, is what I want to tell myself. Bury this need deep down and never speak of it again or even look at it. Ignore it, because there is no hope. I want to submit, but only to him, because I do love him with all my heart. So if he doesn't want my submission...then I am lost.

A revelation...been having lots of these lately

A few days ago, at work, I was working up a patient who happened to have her husband with her. I don't know what about this couple caused me to think of submission, but it did, perhaps it was their ethnicity. Either way, it brought about a whole slew of thoughts.

Would I feel these submissive feelings that I feel if it did not in some small way turn me on? Now, I do not walk around all hot and bothered because I got TJ a cup of coffee but I do feel warm and fuzzy on an intimate level that I do not feel when say getting a cup of coffee for my brother in law. If I didn't get that, if it was simply expected of me to be obedient by society and those all around me, would I still enjoy it?

For those women living in countries where they have no choice but to be submissive to their husbands, do they find any fulfillment in it or is it simply so natural to them that they don't give it another thought?

I think that because we have a choice to be submissive to our husbands or we can be "equal" (honestly, I believe there is no such thing as equal in a relationship but that's another post for another day) it makes it more...I don't know...meaningful, fulfilling?

Is it because of the intimacy in the rest of my relationship with TJ that triggers the warm and fuzzies when I do small acts for him? I no longer have a say in sex...well...I can not say "no" to sex, I should clarify (not that I ever would LOL) If I understand correctly in some cultures this is the case in most marriages, if he wants it- he gets it. Even when TJ is simply "taking" what is his, I still get such a thrill from it, such enjoyment from it that I can hardly say I am not being satisfied, on both the emotional and physical levels.

Would it be the same if this dynamic of ours did not exist? I thought to myself that it would be boring and mundane to submit to someone if these feelings that I currently have weren't there. Which leads me to another question that just popped in my head....

If something awful were to happen that left TJ unable to physically pleasure, punish, dominate me would I still be able to submit to him? Of course, I'd always take care of him and love him and be there for him, that would never change..but if there was no chance of a kinky sex night or a wonderfully bottom warming spanking would I: still 1) be able to submit to his rules, dictates and/or 2) Get as much out of it?

I would like to say yes, and I think I would. I find the mental part of domination to be just as stimulating as his touch. Often his words are enough to get me moving in the direction he desires....and there are "devices" out there to help with the physical aspect. (*insert blush and wicked smile here*)

Anyhoo... those were my thoughts. I think submitting to TJ is absolutely thrilling and I'm glad that it is my choice because I think that's partly what makes it so wonderful.

Just another day...

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with TJ as well as all of the terms DD, D/s, M/s... yes I know..no labeling. However...

I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call it..in the end it's still our relationship.

Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.

To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.

One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying "No..no...just let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?

There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.

Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing so....is that too weird?

I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for now...at least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.

To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?

A Rant.

I am angry.

Not at TJ, but at myself. I am furious, disappointed and frustrated with my own thoughts and emotions that continually twist and turn until I want for nothing more than to stand in the pool of misery that I have created and scream like the crazed woman I am becoming.

The week that TJ was gone on business was a bustling week of shuffling children here and there, making lunches, dinner, doing homework and getting myself to work. I behaved excellently. I followed every single one of my rules. I went to bed on time even when I had a million reasons to stay up an extra twenty minutes. I did it and he wasn't even here to see it; I was damn proud of that!

So what happened? I have no flipping idea! He's home, and although I have stuck to most of the rules, I find myself feeling defiant. He was irritated with me this morning (we had a little tiff...nothing much to really speak of) and he told me to stop talking to which I replied, "NO!" with a smirk and a head tilt that wreaked of defiance. What the hell!?!?!?

Well, no wonder the man has trouble stepping up to the plate. He steps up and I bat him down. One minute I'm thinking about how I want to explore my submissive side much more and then comes an opportunity and I blow it...again and again I do this. It's like there something in me that is trying to stop me from all of this.

I want to give it all up right now. I really do. I want to say simply FUCK IT. I feel lost and out of control.

I won't, probably not, who knows. I'm sure its annoying to read one week how horrible it is and then a post saying it's looking up only to see the next week it's spiraling downward again...and it's all me....

A realization..

TJ is not a Dom. He's not a Master, nor is he a Top. TJ is simply TJ.

I came to this realization yesterday while I was cleaning the upstairs of our little two bedroom duplex. I called down "Can you please look for that mini blind attachment I bought for the vacuum?" and he said sure. A few minutes later I heard him screwing around with the kids. "Are you looking or playing?" I called down.

"I'm looking!"
"Liar!"
....laughter.

Now, I'm not saying that people in true D/s, M/s, or such relationships don't have similar conversations or playful banter, they might or might not. I don't think it was the words of our conversation that brought about my realization...but perhaps the situation...not sure what exactly.

What I came to realize at that moment is that TJ will never give a good damn if I shave or don't shave. He probably wouldn't even notice if I was wearing panties to bed or not on most nights, and most likely doesn't have a preference, anyway. He doesn't notice any act of submission on my part unless it something that he is looking for in a sexual way (That I've noticed).

A few months ago I mentioned that we were taking DD to a deeper level. Well...that fizzled out within a few weeks. At first I thought it was because I had lost my "mojo" or something but now I think I know what happened. I think I simply saw it for what it was: a one sided relationship.

As much as I enjoyed exploring my submissive side in that way, on that level, I was alone in it. He was merely a spectator who would throw out a command now and then if I became a bit stagnant. He told me he was into it, that he had ideas of his own to implement, but when I pressed him to tell me or to talk with me about it he only said "I have to work it out in my head first," I backed off, I gave him the space he required and stopped asking him because it was what he wanted. Truth of the matter: there were no ideas. There was only the empty promise of a deeper level in our relationship that never came to pass.

I didn't drag him down that road. I stood to the side and tried to follow...but there was nothing to follow. So I stood on that road alone and waited and waited and waited. He is still the head of our household and has been consistent with all of our original rules and such but that is the level in which he lives.

I realized last night that I will never have that deeper level with him that I crave. He will never care about my routine, my habits, or anything other than if I've done the shopping, washed his underwear and kept the kids all safe and fed while he was at work. Do I want someone to micromanage my every single move: no, but maybe a little micro managing here and there would be nice.

Tomorrow, I go back to work full time. This is not a decision we took lightly and to be honest I hate that I'm doing it. I want to be home. I want to be home with my kids, but the economy being what it is; I'm back at work for at least a year. (There's background here but I'm not going into it) So, now there is really next to no hope for anything "more" happening. In fact, there is a real chance that what we have already in relation to DD will fade away all together.

I hope I'm not coming off as angry or disrespectful towards TJ. I love him. It's just..last night I realized that what I have is all I'm going to have when it comes to Domination/submission. I love TJ and this wont' change that. It's just...well....yesterday I had hope....today I have reality.

Making a payment...

If you've read my post about my new rule regarding whatever you know that I earned 35 swats for using that particular word. Well, that number is now at 100...I really have no good reason for it other than I was sure he would forget all about the rule (or maybe I hoped).

He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.

He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.

So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"

We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.

---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----

So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.

"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.

I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.

A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.

I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.

I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.

I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.

no title

I would like to say that last night was beyond my wildest fantasies/dreams or that the spanking was a just and fair punishment. I would love to say that all is well here in our home.

But I can't.....well, I could but that would be lying- which is a skill I have never mastered.

It's all gone wrong. Very very very wrong. There was an argument- a fight of disastrous proportions. The horrible "D" word was thrown out, judgments were passed, feelings were trampled on.

I have never felt so raw, so vulnerable, so rejected and so utterly alone than I do right this moment, and did last night. I find myself wishing I had never stumbled upon this world of spanking, control and submission. If I had never found my submissive side, would we both be happier?

Is there a way to take these submissive feelings, these needs I have, and shove them away? Hide them from even myself? Because if there's a way I think I would like to do just that.

Shouldn't a person feel loved even if their husband doesn't spank them or discipline them or give a rats ass what she's up to? Shouldn't hugs and kisses do the same as whips and paddles? Is there something wrong with a person who feels more in touch with their partner because he has given permission or denied permission to do something?

In Secretary there is a part of the movie where Lee is walking home through the park and she says "Because he gave his permission....because he insisted... I felt held by him..." (Not the exact words but close enough) That just sums it up nicely I think....and I can't get TJ to understand. I wont' place blame on him. He's done the best he can..no scratch that...he's done the best he's willing to do.

I can't play the submissive and the Dominant parts at the same time. I can't give information when information isn't wanted. Life isn't a play...I can't stop the scene to give directions to the players.

It's all a very big mess and I feel utterly lost and foolish.

.

Want To Vs. Have To

A few nights ago TJ and I were watching TV together late at night. TJ finally told me a few things he had been thinking about; a few changes he wanted to make.

1.) I am to learn how to mend clothes. - I hate mending, as far as I'm concerned if there's a hole, toss it.
2.) I am to be ready (teeth brushed and pj's on) for bed by 10 pm without complaint.
3.) he wants me to make his lunch for work every day.

#3 has been taken back and isn't really a rule now. Let me explain. When he told me about that I reminded him that we had tried that at one point and it didn't work out. I, also, pointed out that I'm already busy in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and the baby doesn't make it easy in the morning. He didn't really see those things as a good reason not to expect me to make his lunch. I can easily get the lunches (his and the 5 yr olds) ready the night before. As for what worked before or didn't work before...not relevant. This is now, he said.

We talked about it some more and I said. "I like making your lunch for you, and I do try to get it done," to which he agreed but said that he was wanting me to make it a priority. I then went on to explain. "I like doing it because it makes you happy, and I want to make you happy. But if you make it a 'have to', I'm afraid that it will just be one more thing on my to-do list and I'll become overwhelmed."

As it is I am the cooker, cleaner, close washer, homework helper (he does this too, just not as much), family accountant...along with my very part-time job and trying to get my writing off the ground, as well as getting my papers in order to go back to college. I'm afraid that taking on his personal things like that might make me feel resentful towards him.

I don't want to give the impression that he's a lazy bum and does nothing. That's not the case.

After our discussion about the additional rules, (I did mention to him I thought the bedtime sucked...which made him laugh but not change his mind) he decided to take away the lunch rule. He explained that it was something he'd like but that he understood what I meant.

He, also, said that he will never make a rule or dictate something that makes me feel 'less than'. That if a rule was making me feel bad (not "uncomfortable"...because "uncomfortable" could only mean I'm trying something new) or was making me feel unappreciated or unloved that he would revoke that rule without a problem. He doesn't want to 'hurt' me...at least emotionally...some of the things he's wanting to do to me physically are definitely going to hurt. WEG

I love to do the things for him that make him happy and feel loved but when it becomes a rule, it sort of takes away from the joy of it. Maybe I should do it because he says I have to, maybe I should be feeling good because he's given me a dictate (and isn't that what I wanted?) but that's not the case. In the end he said to forget it as a rule and we would just see how it goes.

The kicker is: I try really hard to make his lunch normally anyway. However, as soon as he said it was a rule... I didn't want to anymore. The thought "I don't have enough things I have to do in the morning or to get ready for the next day...now I have one more!?" popped in my head and I felt a slight surge of resentment/anger.

Does this make me less submissive or less then what I want to be? I dunno. I don't think it makes me less submissive to him of that I'm almost positive. Maybe a different kind of submissive then I had thought I was...

On empty...literally!

I don't know why I can't simply be content when I'm content!

I mean really! Things were moving along splendidly. We have been happy..well except for the whole Blech issue, which is slowly moving away. I've been following the rules without even much effort. We've had some fun and he's even given me a little treat this week because of how happy I've been making him and visa versa.

So what do I do? I muck it up!

I don't know why but I have such a horrid time keeping gas in the van at the level in which he requires it. I just kept saying to myself "Stop tomorrow. The girls are in the car and you have get out cos you're using cash...ugh..just go tomorrow" Well, tomorrow finally came...... today when the gas light went on...with TJ in the van with me.

The light popped on and I started to laugh, cos it was a little funny since I had just reminded myself to go to the gas station...tomorrow. "We need to stop for gas," I smiled at him and he looked over at the console and made a face. I can't even really describe the face...not angry, but not amused... more annoyed I suppose.

So I laughed all the way to gas station while he kept an eye on the gas gauge. "I can get all the way to work on that light! Stop worrying!" I said to him, which did not improve his glare. We were literally 1.5 miles from the gas station, we were going to be just fine.

I pulled into the station, aimed for the pump I wanted, and took my foot off the gas and coasted to the pump exclaiming "OH NO...I don't know if we are gonna make it!" (Insert laughter)

He pulled my hair! Yes...the man actually pulled on my ponytail. Not only that, he then said: "You are pumping!" Because it was raining. I just laughed more. I made a few more smart ass comments about gas pumping. (They were really funny comments, too. TJ even laughed at them)

I went in, paid for the gas and went back to pump it. He came out of the car and offered to finish cos he was going crazy with the kids in the van. (Who were having a 'who can scream the loudest' contest..yes all 3 of them...nice that the girls included the baby)

We had a short chat. Nothing serious, he mentioned that he was looking forward to coming home tonight. Something about it not mattering if I was asleep, he'd just wake me up. The last thing he said before I left him to finish was that he would "Grab the paddle you don't like and go to town on your ass!" which I'm sure the guy at the next pump heard. I just laughed and hopped in the car.

Yes, it was all funny..at the time. Before he left for his evening out he kissed me and looked into my eyes and said "I can't wait to get home!" and slapped my bottom, told me to be good and headed out.

Ok...so maybe I was pushing for a spanking cos I haven't had one in a while. I really dont' want a punishment, though. I know the gas thing is big to him, not to me at all, but to him it is.

Since it's a big issue for him...shouldn't it be a big issue for me? His wants and his rules should be a priority to me. Not just when I want them to be.

Like if he made a rule that I was totally in agreement with I could be on board 100%. I want to be on board with the rule even if I think it's stupid but it's a big thing to him.

I want him to be proud of me again, I want to hear how happy he is with me again. All kidding aside... I want to hear that "good girl" again. (Have I ever mentioned how weak in the knees I get when he says that?) I want to submit to even the dumb things, not just the things I think are important...isn't that the point of being submissive...or at least some part of it?

I think my funk is ending and I just finding a new groove or something. I dont' really know.... He's not going to be home for another 2 hrs or so. I have an urge to watch "Secretary"...so I shall.

...maybe he'll come home and have forgotten. Will that be a good thing or bad?

I am woman!

I was driving home this evening from a family dinner at my parents house. TJ is out for the evening helping his childhood friend celebrate the ending of his single life as he knows it, and embrace his future as a married man.

I had the radio on to help keep me awake while driving down the darkened roads and after a song finished the DJ came on with some blurb about advice to men out there on dates with women. He stated (supposedly from some article or something) that there are 4 things men should absolutely NOT do while on a date.

1. Order for her
2. Open the door for her
3. Pull out her chair for her
4. Carry her purse

He made some smart ass remark about women's lib and blah blah blah. Is this true?

Are men really being told to be less gentlemanly? Are women so insecure about their own feminine qualities that they feel a man holding a door for them would make them weak and feeble in the eyes of society? Really?

Aside from #4 I don't see how any of these things makes me less womanly or why they would make me feel weak. I am all for women's rights. We are just as smart, just as capable as any man out there but that doesn't mean we are men. I am a woman, just look up my skirt and you can tell. (well not really...I don't really wear skirts..but I digress)

Tj often will order for me. He doesn't pick my meal but if I've told him what I'm planning on ordering he will order for me. "She'll have the...and I'll have the..." Oh, but if he were to pick my meal..what a whirlwind of emotions that would cause. All of them warm and fuzzy...at least I think.

Opening the door for me? Not only do I love it when he does this (with three kids in tow it's really a survival technique to get through the doors at all) I love it more when he places his hand on the small of my back as if to lead me through it. My father does this as he walks a woman through a doorway..at least to my mom and myself and my sister. Never does he do this to another man. Unless you count grabbing my brother by the scruff of his neck and shoving him through the door because he's walked ahead of my mother.. lol (again I digress)

Holding out the chair for me. He's never done this, that I remember. I don't see how it would make anyone feel 'less than' though.

The purse thing...well...ok..I have to agree with this. Don't carry my purse...it just looks silly. lol

I was thinking about this as I continued my drive and about my son. What to teach him as he grows into a man. Respect women, adore them, love them, care for them, and always be a gentlemen (even if they aren't very ladylike). Never think you are better then a woman simply because of your anatomy.

I don't understand how we went from wanting equality in the voting booth and the work place to wanting to be utterly unfeminine? There are two different sexes out there. Male. Female. What is so damn wrong with that?

Clothes pins!

I have no idea why but I saw a 24 pack on sale at the store today and I picked them up and threw them in the cart. For drying clothes perhaps? Nope...don't have a clothes line. For arts and crafts with the kids? Possibly...that would make a good cover I suppose. But when I picked them up those were not things on my mind. The things on my mind were dirty, dark, and totally embarrassing were I to verbalize them.

This started when our oldest daughter brought home a craft from school with two of the wooden pins attached. I sent a flirtatious text: Any ideas what to do with those two clothes pins now that she destroyed the craft?
What I got in return: Stop it. Those are H's.

A few hours later I glance at the clearance table at the local store and there they are sitting. A package wrapped in plastic wrap with a large picture of a wooden clothes pin. $0.90 Unable to pass up a sale... I pick them up, toss them in the cart and continue on. Here's the really strange thing. I've only 'played' with such items once in my life and it was many many years ago and it was really just trying them out (you know..put one on see what its like, scream and throw them all away and curse yourself for the fool you are) So now I have the little buggers and they are staring me in face.

Will I tell Tj I bought them or will I hide them away in my drawer where a few other dark secrets are kept? If I show him will he laugh me off or will he raise his delicious eyebrow in that way that makes me shiver and beckon me into his office?

A struggle

The last spanking I got really opened my eyes a bit more to what DD really is. It's not all about spanking. Yes, in my head I've always told myself that but in the back of my mind I would think differently. There's so much more to it.

I have to actually submit to his authority. I have to actually believe in my mind and heart that TJ is the head of our household. That his word is law. Otherwise, what's the point of all of this? Not only do I have to believe it and trust in it, I have to act on it. When he says something, I have to obey it.

Yesterday, we headed out of town for the day with all three kids in tow for a family gathering. The drive was about 1 1/2 hrs each way. On the way home our oldest was cranky (which is really an understatement) and we could not get her to stop yelling and crying about a piece of candy which she dropped in the back of the van. Finally, TJ turned to me and said "Do not talk to her anymore until she calms down," and he was going to do the same. It was so hard for me, my baby girl was back there crying "Mommy" and I had to ignore her. I did it, though.

As I was sitting in the passendger seat listening to her crying and babbling about the candy I was thinking "Does he even realize that I'm doing what he told me to?" Does he see it that way, that I'm being obedient in this moment? And then it hit me. I'm obedient maybe 25 % of the time.

If that's true (and I think it is) when I am obedient does he just think "Eh...it won't last" ?

Is all of this just for show so I get spankings? .... I'm struggling today.