Monday, March 29, 2010


I have no idea what is going on around here.

On Friday night TJ had all but said no more to all of this...or did I say that and he agreed? I don't even remember, that's how horrible that conversation was.

Saturday, he declared that no matter what, we are going to make this relationship work. There's a lot of back story with this but it will take quite some time to discuss it and nothing all that exciting either.

Sunday, I found a website that talks about submissive wives. I told him about it, instead of him saying yes or no to me joining the "community board" he told me to see if I have any vacation days left. He wants me to take a day or so off so that we can "concentrate on us", when he isn't overwhelmed with work. Last week was horrible because of his work, he worked a LOT of overtime (here at home, remoting into work) and didn't have the energy to work on us or talk about us. (Now, I did not know this at the time of my last post. He didn't tell me how much work he had been doing or that he was getting calls in the middle of the night. Communication is obviously on the list of things to improve around here).

Today, I have no real understanding where I stand around here, but I think it's not as bleak as I may have thought on Friday. Maybe things are looking up? I really don't know.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Long Forgotten....

I haven't posted in a few days because I haven't had anything of a positive nature to post, and I didn't want to sound as though I were whining or making TJ out in a bad light. I still don't have anything of a positive nature to post...

"Going with the flow" has turned out to be a very convenient way for TJ to forget all about me. I still haven't pushed him, I'm still "going with the flow" but I have never felt so alone and so forgotten. Since I am no longer pointing a finger and saying 'OK, TJ now you should do this, say this, how about we try this, what if I was to ask permission for this...." nothing has happened. Nothing. Nada. No talk, no empty promises, no touches, nothing. I am just a wife. Not even a spanked wife.

This has made me wonder. What if my need to be submissive towards TJ, what if this craving I have to have him control things in my life/our life is a much simpler need. What if my need really is to have TJ pay attention to my life in general. He is an awesome father and he can make my day turn around just by smiling at me and his touch still makes my knees weaken, so I don't pretend that he is a bad husband, he's, by most accounts, wonderful. However, he..well...responsibility is not his strong suit, which is why I pay the bills, plan vacations, and call the repair guy.

Even that aside... TJ has no true idea what goes on in my day or what I have upcoming in my life. This morning he asked me "Oh, she's taking the bus today?" with a surprised expression regarding our oldest going to school this morning. "Yes, it's Friday." I sighed. "What time do you start work?" I cringed and bit my tongue. "Ten." and in my head I screamed out "The same FUCKING TIME I HAVE STARTED FOR THE PAST FIVE MONTHS!" (pardon my language there, I do try to stay away from that word but it was necessary this least for my mood) This may not seem like much but this is just a little example that just happened this morning.

The big hurts I keep to myself, except for one. This blog. He has never come here on his own accord. I have even set the settings to email him each post, he's never read least not without me prompting him to. He skips them when he checks his email. I am skipped. I am ignored. This blog is my outlet where I hold very little back when it comes to how I feel about submission and he ignores it. He chooses to ignore it/me.

So, perhaps my submissive nature is really just me wanting him to look at me and pay attention to me. Maybe I just want him to think about me...not just of me. Yes, there's a big difference.

"Measha would really enjoy a night out and she's been really good this past week, I'll see if my mom can take the kids for a night," is thinking about me.
"I need to ask Measha to put more money in my account for gas," is thinking of me.

Maybe I'm not submissive at all, maybe I'm just an attention craved greedy little wench. Either way, right now I'm miserable and feel alone and forgotten.

See...nothing positive...the roller coaster has continued. I am beginning to hate this blog, one week things are great and the next this is happening...over and over again. I envy all those who found these emotions before finding their husbands. If I had understood this about me maybe things would be different.

I have a necklace, a simple necklace that looks like a choker because it is a little tighter around the neck than most necklaces. I put it on a few months ago and commented to TJ that it reminded me of a collar and how it would be nice if he perhaps chose a similar necklace for me to wear. (actually I think I said even a bracelet would be nice...just something special between us) One that he picked out at the store, bought and gave to me with the purpose of it to remind us both of what it meant. He said it was great idea and after valentines day he even admitted that he had thought about doing that for valentines day, but hadn't for whatever reason. I look at my original necklace now and I get embarrassed that I ever shared my thoughts with him about it.

I am embarrassed that I ever shared any of this with him or even with myself. Repress it, is what I want to tell myself. Bury this need deep down and never speak of it again or even look at it. Ignore it, because there is no hope. I want to submit, but only to him, because I do love him with all my heart. So if he doesn't want my submission...then I am lost.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Hind Sight

Looking back on my life I see now that there were plenty of signs that I was not cut from a vanilla cloth...actually I wasn't even cut from a cloth on the same shelf as the vanilla cloth.

Here are a few examples:

1. At a very young age, spanking became a fantasy that popped into my head quite frequently. I have an embarrassing story regarding this, but I'm keeping it in the vault of "Never tell a living soul."

2. As a young teenager, when sex became something more than just a word (At least privately, since I was too young to date at that time...)my fantasies were not simply spanking. They involved things like paddles, cages, whips, collars. These may seem to be a "natural" fantasy to some who enjoy these types of fantasies; however, at the time of these fantasies I had never heard of BDSM, S&M, spanking, submission or domination. I had never seen a woman walked on a leash, I had never heard of a man spanking a woman, nor had I heard of, or knew of, blow jobs. I knew only that sex happened when a man put his penis inside a woman.

3. TJ and I married quite young. He went off to the army and I went off to the junior college. In order to pass the time away from him my mother turned me on to romance novels. A quick read and always a happy ending, sounded great to me. I quickly found myself skimming to the parts where the man was dominant towards the woman; giving her rules and being all stern with her. If there was a spanking in the novel, I would ear mark that page to go back and re-read the passage over and over again.

4. During a conversation with TJ while he was in basic training he told me something about how the husband is responsible for the actions of the wife while he's enlisted. He went on to say that if he wanted to, he could keep me locked on base by telling the gate guards that I was not to leave base. In reality, he had no such power or authority, he was pulling my chain, but the very idea of being under his control, under his authority in such a way...excited me more than maybe it should have.

5. The spanking scene in Blue Hawaii. I nearly broke the tape with the number of times I rewound and watched it over and over and over again. Privately, when no one else was around to see me watching it, because how would a pre-teen explain it to her parents were they to happen on her.

With all of these signs, along with others, how did I never comprehend my own desires? If I were to go back in time and change something, or to make my younger self do something, I think one of the things I would tell her is to pay attention to herself. To listen to her heart and her fantasies and to try to understand herself a little better.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Keeping him on his toes

Last evening was a normal evening. Dinner was eaten, kitchen cleaned, kids to bed on time and a few sitcoms were watched. (Ok, the sitcoms were not part of our normal evening, but the laughs were a welcomed change)

TJ went to play on his computer and I was sitting on the computer putzing around on mine. After a while I realized nothing fun was going to happen with us and moved on to studying for my class...actually, I was taking a practice quiz and failed miserably, so I'll be doing more studying.

TJ came into the kitchen to fix himself a snack.

"What's wrong?" he asked me with an exasperated tone as he turned the microwave on and I watched.

"Nothing. What do you mean?" I questioned, genuinely suprised by his question and his tone.

"You are moping, like your mad that I didn't plan anything for you tonight." he accused and I was even more confused.

"No, I'm not moping. I was doing my math quiz," I explained. "I mean, sure I was disappointed, you had said we'd be doing something but you aren't feeling good, I know that. I'm not mad."

He looked at me then said nothing. He was thinking and I kept silent.

"It's like you get upset because I'm not entertaining you,"

"What? Did I do or say something that I don't remember?" I asked, thoroughly baffled at this point.

"No," he admitted.

"I'm confused. I mean, yeah I'm a little disappointed that we haven't done anything lately. I mean we had that talk and nothing has happened, aside from sex, since. I haven't had a spanking in nearly 3 months. But I'm not mad, I haven't complained. I was disappointed...but not in you. Kinda like if we planned a movie night but had to cancel...I was looking forward to it but I'm not mad that it didn't happen. I'm trying to just let things happen when they you said to."

Another look, an odd one I haven't seen before.

"I haven't said anything because making you do something isn't going to work for us. You would probably say no and then I'd be hurt or angry, and it would be like I was still controlling all of this. I figured when you were ready you would do something." I added and he crossed his arms over his chest leaning back against the counter.

"Right." he nodded.

"So, what did I do wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing." he shrugged. "I'm just not used to it. You are doing exactly what I told you to do and I'm not used to it." he answered.

"So, you are concerned because I'm not ranting and raving at you about not doing what I want you to do?"

"Yes!"and we both laughed. He hugged me and shook his head. "I am confused. I had you all figured out and then you go and change on me. Now I have to figure out what to do,"

"You want me not to go with the flow?"

"No, I want you to keep this up. I just didn't expect it," And he kissed me and sent me off to bed as confused as he was before the conversation.

I don't really know what made me settle in more easily to waiting for him to find his groove, but I'm glad that it's working. I'm more relaxed and now that I'm not pushing I think he'll start stepping up a bit more...speaking of which I'm to report to his office in 20 minutes and I haven't begun to get ready for the morning sprint of getting three kids into the minivan by 7:15.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Comfort Zone

Nothing has happened. There has been no more talk of what is expected nor has there been a spanking, or even a verbal warning towards my behavior. Yes, it's only been a few day; however, I already feel a change in the house. A new tone has been set. I have been more calm and relaxed. I feel happy and loved as if he's with me at all times. I've told him this just this morning. He smiled and said "That's good," and when I was ranting about the pots not being put away properly (a battle we've fought since day one of moving into this house) he just laughed and commented on how cute I looked ranting in my scrub bottoms and my bra. That took all the fight out of me, not that there was much at all anyway. I feel as though I'm being hugged even when he's not here to hug me, it's a wonderful feeling this comfort zone.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Let it be said...

TJ and I spoke last night. We talked for a long time and we straightened out a lot of things between us. He asked if I wished to speak first, and I did. I rattled off my list of "expectations" and once I was done, and my face was blushing fiercely, he nodded. He asked for a few clarifications then nodded again "That sounds good," he smiled at me over his left shoulder, as he was getting a proper back scratch from me while we talked.

Then it was his turn. He stood up, put his shirt back on, and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't sit next to me while he talked about his expectations of me, instead he stood against the wall while I stared up at him from my spot on the couch. Some of the things he said were not surprising to me at all. He mentioned that since my surgery I have gotten quite used to him doing the majority of the house work and now that I was feeling better I needed to step up. No more checking emails after dinner while he cleans up the kitchen. "We both work full time so we both have to pitch in to keep this place clean," he said.

There were some things that I was a little surprised about. Time Management. He doesn't like the way I'm handling my school work. The time on the weekends is really the issue, from what I understood. So now on Saturdays and Sundays I'm to give him a schedule for that particular day and he will adjust it to meet any needs he has for the day. I thrive on schedules, the day goes so much smoother when I know what is next and where I'm supposed to be.

One change that he is implementing is that he will only tell me something one time. If he makes a new rule and I break it the next day, there will be a punishment. If my attitude is starting to get out of hand, he will give me one warning and only one. If I continue then there will be a punishment. Speaking of punishments, "When I say it's game's game time. No arguing, no trying to weasel your way out of anything,"

I asked him to understand that we haven't done any spanking in a while and that spanking hurts, so to expect me to stand perfectly still is a bit of an impossible expectation. He thought about it for a second and replied "For now. That's on me, I'll have to train you properly in that area," My jaw dropped and I just stared at him, which must have pleased him because he smiled at me with a bit more enthusiasm I would like to see when talking about spanking my bottom (in a non playing way).

The talk was wonderful as well as the festivities that occurred later, however, there was no spanking. I was sure there would be one...mostly because he had said a few days ago that there would be one. I don't know if he forgot about that part or if he just wanted to get to the really fun stuff instead. I didn't bother to ask him, I wasn't upset about not getting a spanking....I think I really wasn't looking forward to it because my bum is completely virginized again and I can only imagine the mess the first spanking is going to be.

So...things are reverting back to the norm...or at least as normal as things can get around here.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

In the Men's Locker Room....

This morning when I arrived at the gym I was thrown a curve ball. The locker rooms had been switched. Outside each locker room entrance, stood a large sign that read "Temporary Women's Locker Room Entrance," outside the usual men's locker room and a "Temporary Men's Locker Room Entrance" sign outside of the usual women's locker room. I have no idea what prompted this "temporary change" but I did hear one woman say that we would be back in our normal locker room by midweek.

I entered the locker room and immediately was thrown off by the fact that it was all opposite. There was no carpeting by the lockers, instead it wall all nicely tiled. My first thought was "Glad I remembered my shower shoes," because I have a tendency to slip and slide all over tile (or anywhere else for that matter)

After my work out I headed back to the locker room to shower and dress. It was odd. I felt very much out of place, as if I was standing in someplace that I did not belong. At first I just contributed it to the fact that I was not in my normal space...but then it just felt more strange than that. It's very hard to describe...

I was standing in the men's locker room and I think that is the key here. If it had been a different women's locker room, I doubt it would have felt all that odd to me but because it was the men's room. because I was standing where only men were allowed to stand ... I felt out of sorts.

I don't think that all women should be submissive to every man, nor do I think that every woman should be submissive at all to any man (or woman for that matter), but there was just something about standing in this room that made me a tad uncomfortable.

I think that maybe my interest in having a DD marriage is faltering...I mean I think it's safe to say that my submissive feelings go deeper than I had originally thought. Not really a new revelation, I've rambled before about this many times. However, I think it's time I told TJ all of it, and I mean ALL of it. Every embarrassing little fantasy, want, need, wish, hope... all of it and see what he does with it.

He postponed the "reset" from last night to tonight because he thought I was too tired last night from working all day and running errands all afternoon, maybe tonight is a great opportunity...or things will get very messy again with us. I'd say it's a 50/50 situation....

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Ramble, Rumble, Grumble

Since having surgery and all of the other icky stuff that has happenedm I have not had a single spanking. Oh there has been a playful swat here and there (5 in a row today, actually) but nothing that could actually be determined a "spanking".

Yesterday was a bad day here in our little household, getting the kids fed, dressed, and into the cars in the morning is becoming increasingly difficult as the baby is now toddler and has his own little personality. I was, to say the least, frustrated and taking it out on everyone in my path. TJ pulled me aside and scolded me and then we all got in the cars and left. No spanking, however, as TJ is going to wait until this weekend.

TJ is planning to have a "reset talk" this weekend to get us back into the full swing of things. He said that that now that I'm feeling better and my attitude seems to be coming back we need to get back to the basics. I'm not really sure what will happen during this talk, except that I'm almost positive that a spanking will happen.

Now that I haven't had a spanking in nearly 2 months I'm not sure I'm excited about it. I have a complete virgin butt right now and I'm really not looking forward to it. Also, there is the fact that I have a horrible habit of coming up with a fantasy in my head and when reality doesn't come close to it I have a bad reaction. I'm really going to try and let it all just happen naturally, no fantasizing.

I will admit that there are days I wish this need I have would just go away. Sometimes I think it would be easier to ignore it. I'm thankful that TJ won't let me ignore this part of me, that he sees it works so well for us and will keep stepping up when needed.

There is still a lot of things in my head that leave me unsettled at times. I'm trying to figure out what my wants and needs are... there's a difference, that much I know, but I am having a really hard time sorting them into the right categories. These are things that I have trouble even verbalizing to TJ because I don't want to scare him or to make him think badly of me.

During a fun evening in bed, TJ was pinching me and he asked me if I liked it (in that seductive tone ..) I blushed into the darkness and said that I liked that he liked it. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I enjoyed it...wouldn't that be horrible to enjoy being pinched in such a way? These are things that leave me uncomfortable, and feeling lonely at times because I don't mention these things to TJ and I know I should...but I don't think he'll understand.

Then there are days I wish that I had known all of these things about myself when I had met TJ. Maybe then we would be further along this journey if it hadn't crept up on me after we had been married for a bit. But then much of yourself are you fully aware of at 16.

This post, as usual, has veered off of where I started from. Again, just my ramblings of the day.