Blech!

That's how I've been feeling lately.

I struggle sometimes between what I want to say and what I should say. As if there is a line I've drawn somewhere about what I want talk about on this blog and where my relationship with TJ is and I feel as though I'm teetering on the that line.

As if something I say might shock someone to the point that they never return. Or that someone who has found my blog by looking into domestic discipline might be turned off because I'm 'too extreme' or something. Obviously, I do not tell ALL on here mostly because some things aren't for public consumption when it comes to my marriage. However, lately I feel as though I'm censoring myself for the sake of others.

When I think rationally I think: This is my blog, I started it to help give me an outlet for just throwing out the ideas that were banging around in my head. I need to simply stay true to myself and post whatever feelings I have rattling around my head.

For example: Last night TJ was tucking me into bed and expressing his concerns about me lately. I had told him yesterday morning that I was losing the 'submissiveness urge' and it was getting me down. He's concerned because he doesn't like to see me unhappy.

It's not that I'm not happy. It's just that where a few weeks ago I was happier then a pig in mud sitting on the floor beside his computer chair rubbing his feet (Something I used to growl about doing for him) while we chatted about the day, now I find myself growling again about doing it.

He said last night when I groaned as he laid next to me in the living room and put his feet on my lap, "You'll do it because you love to make your husband happy," he reminded me. I just rolled my eyes and removed his socks. He was right, of course, and doing that simply act did make me feel better a little bit.

Then when I asked him why he wasn't naked in bed with me, when he was done telling me how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy his answer was "Because I decide when I come to bed with you," I moaned a bit but the butterflies did flutter a bit in my tummy. Then, just to tease me, he slid his hand under the blanket and tormented me.

"I hate that you can do that to me," I complained when he stopped two seconds into the torture and my heart was racing, my mind spinning, and every ounce of my body yearning for him just by a subtle touch and well worded whisper.

"I love it!" he smiled and kissed me.


Ok...this posted started off on one road and landed somewhere else... that pretty much sums up my brain lately. BLECH!