A new day

Thank you everyone for your kind words, it really did help me yesterday.

TJ came home from work last night and we exchanged pleasantries. He opted out of having dinner with the family and sat in the living room instead. (He apparently wasn't feeling well) I finished feeding the kids and went into the living room to straighten up the toys that littered the floor.

I sat in the rocker for a few minutes and he asked me "Have you thought about what you want to do?" and I asked him what he meant..the kids were within ear shot and it's very much not like him to strike up a conversation like that around them. "About us." he clarified.

I briefly said that I wanted to know what he was thinking. He said it depended on what I wanted in terms of our DD/ D/s side of the marriage. I was very vague in my answer, since the kids were about to pounce on us any second. "Is it worth ending us?" he questioned and when I didn't answer him right away he said "Never mind, we'll talk later. I shouldn't have brought this up right now," and then I got ready to take our oldest out to story night at school.

I texted him to check the blog if he was interested in what my thoughts were. Yesterday was a very dark day for me. No matter what I did I just felt emotionally exhausted and torn up inside. I tried to drown myself in housework but figured "eh...who cares,"- it was just a horrible day.

After the kids were in bed we talked...and talked....and talked...and talked a bit more. He admitted to not understanding my submissive side all that much and when I said that I was forcing him to be someone he's not- he said "No, your not. I'm just feeling rushed...let it happen naturally,"

I can't say that today everything is hunkey dorey cos it's not, but it's better. I assured him I had no intention of leaving him and apologized a million times for ever saying that to him cos I would feel absolutely devastated if he had said it to me. In the days before DD throwing the "D" word around was not unusual but it has been a loooooooooooooooong time since I did that. Not something I plan to ever repeat.. and I could not feel more remorseful for it. I was hurt and angry and I wanted him to feel the same.

He spanked last night. Not as a punishment but as a "reset" (as I referred to it upon requesting it). Just to re-establish us as us. It was the best spanking I've had in a long time and it worked wonderfully.....that and the make-up sex helped too!

So, as usual it will work out. There's going to be some time for healing first, though I think. It's never pretty when both people go into their dark places during an argument. But, he loves me like crazy and I'm just as smitten with him.

Punished

I just commented the other day to TJ that I've been really good, hadn't earned myself a punishment in weeks! As I'm sure you've figured out by the title of this post, I had spoken too soon. I would like to say that I had at least done something exciting to get myself into trouble, but that would be lying. It was my mouth...it always does me in.

Yesterday, like any other day I got up around 4 am(ish), fed the baby (who had already woken me up during the night), dressed and went to the gym. I got in a good workout, picked up my coffee on the way home and got home just as the house was waking up. TJ went off to work and I looked at my kids wondering what to do next. We played, we did our letters/numbers, we decorated for Christmas a little bit and had a good lunch. Then nap time came. Nap time in my house is like WWIII. There is screaming, whining, yelling, throwing of toys, and then there's crying (done most of the time by me...the crying not the throwing of the toys) and eventually defeat is conceded (again by me).

By the time TJ got home I was beyond exhausted. We ate dinner and the he headed upstairs for his nightly "soak" (a nice hot bath) I got the kids into the livingroom and we were watching some Christmas show on TV. When TJ came down stairs he offered to give the girls their bath and I was more then happy to let him. While he was doing that I fed the baby. The baby fell asleep right away as usual during his "dinner" and I kind of drifted off too. When TJ came down with the girls he had an armful of clothes. I tried to explain to him that I had a load of laundry I was going to do and was just waiting for his pants (cos he was wearing them so I had to wait until he got home to do it) but he wasn't getting what I was saying. "Just don't do anything!" I finally blurted out. He gave me a "look" and dropped the clothes right where he was standing and left the room.

I put the baby in his crib and took the girls upstairs to bed with TJ. When we got back down I was again trying to explain to him what I was doing but he wasn't listening (at least that's how I saw it). He said "Look...I just need clothes. I haven't had clean socks in 3 days" (which is not true..it's only been one lol) my response: "Fuck you! Fuck YOU! FUCK YOU!" and I walked out of the room and went back to watching TV (which I rarely do but like I said I was exhausted)

A few minutes later he came out into the living room with some chips and sat next to me. When he didn't say anything I said "Are you going to apologize now?"
A glare was his response and then "Are you going to?"
Me: For what? I'm allowed to be angry with you
Him: No, not like that you aren't
Me: When you are being an ass...I'm allowed to be mad
Him: We'll talk about this after you put the boy upstairs (he loves calling him 'the boy'...I don't know why)
Me; Whatever

Fast forward 10 minutes. TJ was in the computer room smoking and went in to talk to him.
Me: Look you weren't listening to what I was saying. And I DO get to be mad
Him: I said we'd talk later
Me: I don't want to ruin the whole night. Just talk to me now
Him: Fine. Yes, you can be mad at me. But you DO NOT get to talk to me like that. You don't swear at me and you don't yell at me
Me: Ok. fine. and I turned to leave the room just as he pulled out the paddle that I despise.
Him: Turn around and put your hands on the wall
[side note: I HATE that position. HATE it. It feel way to impersonal and I can't keep still when he spanks like that, I dance around and then he gets pissed and adds more to the spanking]
Me: No, I didn't mean for that right now (cos I had meant I wanted to talk...I knew a spanking woudl come but I wanted to wait until the baby was up in his room....I prolly should have told him that)
Him: Turn around
Me: No. I said no.
and I walked out of the room.

I was in the middle of changing the baby when TJ walked into the living room with that damn thing in his hand. I sat on the couch next to him to feed the baby, and he just sat there holding the damn paddle. He moved a few minutes later to lay on the floor still clutching the DAMN paddle. I finished feeding the baby and took him up to his room.

I weakly called down the stairs "Would you mind putting the clothes in the dryer?"
Him: "Come here,"
Me: I walked half way down the stairs.
Him: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Going to bed,"
Him: "Come here first,"

At this point I had two choices. 1. I could get down there and get spanked or 2. I could run up the stairs and into bed and he probably wouldn't have chased me since all the kids were up there sleeping. But if I had gone with choice 2 he would have seen that as I didn't respect him as HOH, that even though I had asked him for this type of relationship I wasn't willing to live up to my end of. It would have sent him the message that I didn't really mean it or that I only wanted it on my terms. I also realized that running back upstairs would hurt our relationship much more then that paddle was going to hurt my ass. So down the last four steps I went.

Just as I got near him he reached out and grabbed my arm. He pulled me to the couch and directed me to put my hands on the cushion. I think I shook my head because next thing I knew I was over the couch and the paddle was peppering my butt hard. He didn't take time to do a warm up or even to "talk" He just kept bringing that demon of a paddle down on my butt and my sit spot.

"You haven't been this disrespectful in a long time!" he said along with "I will not have you speaking to me like that in my house" and "You sure as hell don't tell me no and walk away!" I don't know how many swats he gave me or how long the spanking lasted but I know it was enough. When he was done I sat back on my heels and was crying. I wasn't crying because my ass hurt (which it DID) but because I had earned it. I had ruined our evening together with my temper. I was all up in arms about him not listening to me, when it was really me who hadn't listened to him.

He gave me all the hugs and kisses I needed and held me while I cried. He made sure I was ok, and then we talked. I explained my view and he explained his view and he also explained that had I not gone off on him we could have had that talk w/out the spanking. He asked me to skip the gym this morning since I wouldn't have the kids I could sleep in. I didn't want to skip my work out so he made me promise to at least take a nap before going to work this afternoon.

It still amazes me how well this works for us. Years ago what took us only about 40 minutes (with the argument and the spanking included) would have been a 2 to 3 hour long fight with hurt feelings. Now, we get past it much quicker. It's dealt with and over and we both went to bed last night happy and loved.

WOW! That was a long post! I'm off to my nap...after I do a few things (LOL)