The Return.

I have stayed away from my blog for too long. I would like to say it's because of how busy I was with school and work, but that's not entirely the truth. The truth of the matter is that I have been hiding. I thought if I just hid from my blog and others like it, there might still be hope of a return for me. I thought that if I just pushed all of this out of my head it would go away. The urge to belong to someone (really belong) would diminish. The dark fantasies would fade away into the shadows in which I hid myself.

I was also afraid. I was afraid to admit anywhere outside of my own head that things were bad. Fear of boring my readers with yet another downfall of the never ending roller coaster that seems to be my life. I felt that I was beginning to sound like a broken record "Things are bad...Things are good...things are bad...etc" or worse yet- I'd come off as wining.

Although I still fear doing those things and do wish I could flip a switch to make me different, I'm here.

Things are a horrible mess. I would like to say it's just because of the D/s but it's way messier than that. TJ has always had trouble with procrastination., He's the reason stores are open on Christmas eve. "The way to Christmas shop is in a panicked frenzy!" he loves to say as he dashes from store to store. This is how he deals with everything: oil changes, tire fill ups, calling the cell phone company about a bill, getting the driveway guy the blue prints for the job we paid him to do, etc.

Things that I should be able to depend on him to handle -he can't or won't. We've lost the deposit on the driveway (that is badly needed) because he wouldn't let the guy handle getting the permit from the village and insisted on doing it himself- which he never got around to doing. We've had to pay fines to the village because of the driveway not being done, not to mention all the monies gone to late fees and bounced checks because he doesn't seem to have time to balance his checkbook and won't allow me to do any of it. The more I try to depend on him, to stay out of his way, to let him lead, the more often I fall right on my face.

I could do it all myself...and have in the past, which leaves me feeling alone. The way I feel right now is that I'm lonely, and very much alone. i don't have anyone to help me with the day to day stuff, the living together stuff, the couple stuff and I don't have anyone to live a D/s relationship with but I'm not free to pursue anything that will result in finding someone to share those things with.

The inability to rely on him has resulted in a complete breakdown of trust in him. He promises to do something-then doesn't- over and over and over again...I don't trust him. I can't depend on him and it's left me feeling "platonic" towards him. Sex is even more rare than ever and it's mostly because I'm not even trying anymore..and when he tries I'm very far from being in the mood.

The idea of having sex or doing anything sexual with him in the "submissive" mind frame actually irritates me now. I can not have sex with him simply because he wants it like I used to. It used to turn me on having him wake me up for sex, now I'm just annoyed. The other night he was having his way with me (I was too tired to argue or say no) and I just kept thinking "Hurry up! Would you just finish!" ....it was horrible.

The thought of him spanking me is laughable at this point. I would no sooner allow him to do such a thing than I would some stranger on the street.

Everything I want, the rules, the structure, the security is not going to happen with him. He can not even take care of himself let alone me... there is absolutely no trust. The foundation of our relationship is completely broken. The D/s is dead and buried and the vanilla relationship sucks- at best. I don't want a vanilla relationship...I just don't. I have needs and wants and he can't fulfill them. Nor can I fulfill his vanilla wants and needs.

We are in a horrible place and the longer it goes on the further away I move from him. He knows it, and sees it and we've talked and talked and talked. I've made it damn clear on what needs to happen and he says "it will take time...give me time" but it has been months since we started these talks. We separated our checking accounts over a month ago, along with it the bills. He has not paid a single bill. Not one.

I'm not sure how much longer our marriage is going to last. He tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day, he calls me to tell me, he texts me... he doesn't get it. Love isn't the problem. Well, maybe in some way it is. I don't feel love like a vanilla woman does.

So there it is. I'm miserable, he's miserable. It's all screwed up so badly I don't see much hope that things will improve. I've tried everything I can try, I can not make him do what he wont' do. I can't make him grow up. But I can't allow him to drag me down much more. I deserve to be happy, to have the relationship I want, to have someone who is loving and supportive and reliable. He deserves those things, too.

Still kickin

I have not posted in quite a while and that's not because everything has gone down the crapper. Well, not entirely anyway. I have been very busy with my two night classes and working more than I would like, so blogging hasn't really been an option.

Unfortunately, this also means I haven't had much time to be with TJ. Our typical night is me walking in around 8:30 or 9, after the kids are already in bed, and collapsing onto the couch. An hour of snuggle on the couch to watch tv and off to bed.

The rules have all crumbled. I forget once or twice to follow a rule and then it just dies away. Tj feels it's not fair to punish me when I'm so busy and he doesn't really fault me and I figure he doesn't care about it, so it just dies off. I'm not happy about it, and really miss the dynamic we had going, but I know it's because of the way our life is right now and there is a chance it will get better.

I also know that we could be living the dynamic we wanted right now if we would both try harder and put more effort into it, but it's just not happening right now.

I realized this morning that I haven't laid out TJ's clothes for him in weeks, and last night I was bratting him pretty badly. I didn't get a rise out of him, but I knew what I was doing and it made me angry at myself. I am just hoping that the next 8 weeks go quickly and I wont' be away from the house as much and I will be able to put much more effort into our relationship and to the family as a whole. TJ has become quite the Mr. Mom these past weeks and I feel a bit left out.


Anyway, just wanted to say i'm not lost, things are on the back burner a bit but it's not dead.

Implement: Back scratcher
Position: Standing against the wall
Offense: Attitude, breaking the water rule, not laying out His clothes as instructed.

"Turn around and put your hands on the wall."
Subject turns and places her palms on the cool paneling. the lecture begins as the light taps of the back scratcher are spread around her bottom. Subject feels a slight tingle in the middle of her back, she tries to ignore it, to focus on his voice. The gin tingle gets stronger and stronger until it is no ignorable and becomes a full blown itch. Subject realizes that the very thing she wants is being used on her bottom and for a split second thinks of asking Him if she could borrow the weapon for just a moment. That split second thought results in a bubble in her chest that she tries to contain, as he is giving a rather lengthy speech and she is sure she should be listening. The bubble moves upward and will not be ignored...helpless, the subject begins to giggle.

"Are you laughing!?" The giggle turns into a burst of laughter and the subject turns away from the wall and tries to explain herself. He does not look amused. She tries again to explain that it is absolutely hilarious that she has a horrible itch and he is using the scratcher to spank her with instead of scratch her with.

"Turn around" he instructs with only a slight hint of a smile on his firm lips. She turns around and waits for the next blow..."where does it itch?" he asks and she points out the spot as best as one can point out a spot on the middle of one's own back. She sighs with relief as she feels the scratcher putting out the annoying itch. She thanks him.

He continues the spanking......

Our 24/7

One of the classes we attended at camp had to do with living the lifestyle 24/7. The most important thing i walked away with was that everyone has their own version of 24/7. I know that many of you have said the same thing but it stuck a little more this time. I think it sunk in more this time because I could see everyone right in front of me, there was no virtual wall or chat room, we were siting right next to each other talking about real life.

At first we mostly just listened to the other couples talking about finding time to play and how to distinguish between fantasy and reality. I finally spoke up and gave a little background of TJ and i going through the whole roller coaster ride and "it's here to day gone tomorrow" philosophy we seem to be following. Everyone was very supportive and there was another couple there with kids who really seemed to relate to us. The guys had some ideas for TJ and when I described our routine one of the girls said "That's your 24/7" and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I may not kneel and ask permission to get into bed every night, but TJ brings me to bed when he says it's time to go to bed, and he kisses me good night. There may be no "protocol" how i get dinner to the table, but I make his plate for him every time. We have our own little routines that seemed like nothing but now i realize they mean more.

We do have a 24/7 relationship that isn't entirely vanilla. It's not M/s...at least not in the terminology way. I don't call him Master or even Sir (unless the situation requires it) and i seriously doubt he will ever "collar" me, (although I really wish we could have some sort of symbol that maybe only the of two us understands) but we have a dynamic that works and still needs work.... a lot of work.

A few things we've added to our relationship..
-I lay out his clothes for him in the morning, and his pj's at night.
- I am no longer allowed to be intimate with myself without his permission.
- I may have as much water as I like but must ask for permission for anything else (except for coffee in the morning)

I'm starting to be more comfortable with our relationship, and i'm feeling a lot less envious of others...what I have is pretty good.

D/s formal

Saturday afternoon brought with it the excitement of a D/s formal that i had been looking forward to the entire weekend. TJ agreed that my corset was the best option for dress that evening and he helped me get dressed. He dug through his bag and asked if I had packed him a button down shirt or any polo shirts, my heart fell to my feet. I apologized a hundred times, I didn't think to pack him something special for the event. He assured it me it was fine and that he wouldn't be uncomfortable at all. Luckily there were just as many guys dressed down as there were dressed up at the event so that made me feel better.

Along with my black corset, I wore a black lace petticoat with black and pink lace panties underneath. The finishing touch was my collar and my hair. I had put my hair up due to the warmth that day but he said it had to come down, so I took it down and brushed it out. Then we were all ready. TJ hooked the leash through the loops of my right cuff and clipped it to my left cuff so that I was nicely chained up and could still swing my arms slightly unless he pulled on the chain and pinned my wrists together. The walk up to the dungeon was more fun than I had thought it would be.

The dungeon had been converted into a dining room for the event and it looked great. There were two long tables with appetizers displayed and on another table a naked girl was being used as a human fruit platter. The round dining tables were dressed in red table cloths and floggers were used very creatively to make the center pieces. The hosts - a Master and his slave- greeted everyone as they entered and said the only restriction was that no one use their mouth to remove fruit from the platter.

TJ and i found a table and he said i could use the kneeler that was next to his chair. I hadn't really been sure what to expect from him and it only slightly surprised me when he had told me to kneel at the table instead of sitting next to him. Shortly after we took our seats, another couple joined us who we had met before during the weekend. TJ took a few cues from him as i think he liked the way he and his slave(wife) interacted with each other. He sent me up to the table to get him a plate of "anything you think I'd like" as he put it. Since we pretty much like all the same things, it wasn't difficult. I also got him something to drink. Once I had his plate of delicious appetizers and a drink in front of him, he said i could go back up to the table and get myself something to drink. I tried not to let my frustration show that he kept waiting until I was back on the kneeler before sending me for the next thing, but his grin told me he could tell and he was amused by it.

I noticed that the Master sitting next to me was feeding his slave and was busy watching the room as TJ spoke with him. I turned back towards TJ and my lips crashed into a quiche that he was trying to give me. Once I realized what he was doing, I opened my mouth to take in the food and thanked him for it. I had thought to myself "the man is going to starve me, just to prove some point!" before he started giving me little bites. I had hoped he would let me get my own plate as the slave next to me had been allowed, but he was content with sharing his plate with me.

It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon and I didn't feel at all foolish kneeling beside TJ as he sat in his chair and carried on conversations. I joined in the conversations and only later did I think that maybe I wasn't supposed to have done that, but since TJ never told me to hush or give me some sort of signal to stay out of it I figured he didn't have a problem with it.

The host ,David, came over to our table and made a joke that TJ should get a kneeler for me at home for the dinner table. He had given a class the day before about M/s 24/7 that was really helpful to TJ and i, and joked back that if i could keep the kids from playing on it, that might work. It was such a great experience and David gave a wonderfully warm thank you to his slave for all the hard work she put into the evening. He gave her all the credit by saying that it was really her event and gave her several compliments on the food and decorations. It was just another example to me that M/s does not mean the Master isn't loving and sweet to his slave.


I can't get over how much fun the weekend was and I can not wait until next year!

Saturday...

Saturday at camp TJ and I did ALOT of relaxing during the day. There was one point during the afternoon (maybe this was on Friday...hmm...its all blending...) when he was napping on his cot (yes, cot...I get motion sickness on air mattresses and I don't do sleeping on the ground...) and I was digging around for something in one of our bags (topless...cos it was kinda hot in the tent with the sun beating down right on it) when I felt a slight pinch of my breast. I looked down and sure enough he had one eye slightly opened and a grin on his face. "Kneel down," he told me and I did as I was told (for once).

He had been playing with some clothes pins beofre he took his nap and still had them next to him on the cot. Slowly, he placed them on my breasts, only four in all- one on each side of my nipples. He looked so happy making me squirm and he was about to be much happier. We haven't really played much with clothes pins but the one thing I knew about them that he didn't was that putting them on wasn't as bad as getting them off. He took one off thinking to simply end our few minutes of fun and quickly realized that it was more fun to see my reaction to the instant burn that took over after the pin was released. He questioned me about my reaction, and I could almost see the light bulb light up over his head. Needless to say, the other three pins were removed much slower and with much more excitement on his part than the first.

Saturday night was my favorite night for a few reasons. One of which is that TJ tied me up to a St. Andrews cross in the woods and spanked me with our new leather paddle. It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. We were alone during the spanking, other than a few passerby's. Tj didn't let us play in the main dungeon but said that next year he'd prolly be more up for it.

I also enjoyed that TJ had me wear my new cuffs all day long and he walked me to and from the dungeon on a leash which he first ran through my cuffs, so my hands were bound to my collar (a play collar). I thought I'd have a hard time with people seeing me walk that way, especially since I was in heels and it was a gravel road that we were walking down, but no one really seemed to make notice. There were a few smiles of approval though when he would yank on the leash to tighten the slack on my wrists. It was really very exciting not at all embarrassing. It was the most open minded place I could ever imagine.

I also loved going down on TJ next to our campfire at our site. He loved it, I was still dressed in my corset and skirt, my collar was still one and my cuffs (which I slept in) were still on. After he was satisfied I asked if I could "entertain him" and he granted me permission. By that time our neighbors were back at their tent and had started their own fire, but it didn't bother me at all. TJ's eyes were locked on me and I simply was too excited to care about them. So not only did he get a show, they also got a nice audio of what was happening. I can be quite loud when allowed and since there was no reason to soften my climax I did not. (This reminds me that I didn't mention something about Thursday that I will go back to post about later...or maybe I'll write it up for my writing blog since I've been neglectful there)

My favorite part about the night was the D/s formal we attended that was given by a Master and his slave. It was absolutely wonderful and I will give all the details in my next post...it's late and i need sleep.

Friday at camp

Friday night was the night TJ requested I wear my school girl outfit, which I did and it looked great. TJ made an awesome dinner by the campfire and then we headed up to the lodge for the evening festivities. There was a special ops theme that night where subs were caught, interrogated, and executed (paintball style). It was fun to watch and maybe next year i'll get to play more.

TJ was totally enthralled with the ropes again and watched every time someone was being suspended. He wanted to speak to the guy who did most of it, but he was unable to catch him when he wasn't busy. He did get to talk with a Dom who is very experienced and spent a lot of time with TJ showing him all of his "toys", the different floggers and such. TJ was very grateful and has said more than once that he needs to go to Home Depot for "supplies".

After being at the "dungeon" for a while TJ asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked around the lake, past our tent, and towards the outside showers where a chair caught my eye. I have tried to find a picture of it, but am having trouble finding one that is accurate, so I shall try to describe it. It was basically a padded chair that was suspended so that it swung just like a swing, and there were two padded leg extensions that when the person sitting on the chair their legs were spread open, and since the chair was tilted back a bit it was more comfortable to sit "properly" in it and not let your legs dangle.

I saw this chair and I gave TJ a wicked grin, walked over to it and hopped on. He laughed a little but was quick to join me. He stood between my legs and ran his hands up my thighs, flipping my skirt up and out of his way. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled something out of his pocket and before I could ask what it was I felt it. He had brought along his little leather pocket paddle and was going to use it on me. He spanked the insides of my thighs and around my pelvic bone, and then he went lower and he had some real fun. I was jumping a bit as he spanked me down there, and I didn't realize I could squeal in such a way! He loved it and was very good about stopping after a few strokes to pet me and just as i would start to relax he'd start up again.

He was delighting in my little yelps and gulps of air and wasn't bothered at all by the people walking by or that were only a few yards away by their campfire. I'm not sure how long we were in that chair but I do remember my thighs were sore until the next morning.

One thing TJ and realized during our camping trip was that we enjoy playtime more when it doesn't lead right into sex. I've read on other blogs that playing isn't really sex and I had always thought "then what's the point!".....well I was wrong! For us at least, playing was more enjoyable when we weren't expecting to stop and have sex at any second, it was more focused on the moment. It was more relaxing and enjoyable to play without sex...don't misunderstand...there was plenty of sex...but not during play or directly after. It was something new for us to learn about our relationship, which is why we went to camp!

Camp Adventures

These toys were purchased from Katana works who was a vendor at the Tryst.

Those are the new toys TJ bought while we were away at our camping adventure with Twisted Tryst. It was a completely awesome weekend, I can not believe how wonderful it was. There is so much to say I'm not sure where to begin...so I'll start at the beginning and keep going until I get to the end...this could take a post or two.

On Thursday morning we left the house and drove up to the campsite. TJ, who normally stops for a break every other hour or so, made only two short stops (one of which was at my request) because he wanted to get there so badly. The campsite is an adult only site and as soon as I saw the sign or it my stomach began to ache with nerves.

What if I couldn't handle it? What if i freaked out? What if TJ hated it and said we had to leave and forget all about D/s in our marriage. We signed in and was led to our site where we (ok..mostly TJ but I did try to help) pitched the tent.

It was odd how quickly I became accustomed to all of the naked bodies that were walking around or sunbathing. Not to mention the sex that happened out in the open. The people were awesome. We got to see some really neat stuff, and a few things that did scare me a bit. Overall it could not have been a better weekend. We were able to relax and be ourselves and i was amazed at how much Tj took to it all.

We took a class that talked about M/s 24/7 and I think that really helped us sort out a few things. At the very least it opened a conversation for us. TJ hates labels (i already knew that though) but he has a really hard time thinking outside of "husband/wife" terminology. We talked a lot over the weekend and TJ was given a few ideas from some of the other Doms at camp.

Anyway, I'm jumping all over the place...lemme get back on track...ok... Thursday. Once we were all settled we took a walk around the campgrounds to get a feel for the place. The theme that night was "Pajamarama" so I put on my new black nightie and we headed up to the lounge for some pizza. We met another couple there who had been at camp a few times already and it turns out they come down to the city quite often for some events here. They were able to tell us a lot of groups and other "community" type things to do in our area (which seems weird since they live about 2 hrs away!)

We hung around for the bonfire and also stayed in the dungeon for a while to see how others play. TJ has fallen in love with rope and is going to learn some bondage....this was not my doing. I am not all that into rope bondage...cuff my hands..that's good for me...but he's all excited, which is excellent.

When we got back to our tent that evening Tj started a fire and we had a snack. I wasn't really sure what to expect so I expected nothing. However, Tj wasn't going to let the night go by without taking me...so into the tent I was dragged...ok...not really dragged...by then I was more than willing to do about anything. i cant say that it was the kinkiest sex we've had but it was AWESOME regardless. Turns out that knowing that other people could hear us was a huge turn on for me, and since TJ didn't shut me up when I was cumming and I could scream as loud as I wanted to it made it all the better.

There's lots more to tell, but I'm really sleepy and have to get to bed. There will be more...it was an awesome weekend!

Super Excited!!

Tomorrow is the day! We are going to pack the van, kiss the kids goodbye and head up north for three days of kinky fun in the sun.

I have purchased the outfits that TJ asked me to, one school girl outfit, one corset with petticoat, a skirt with tights and some cute night clothes. We are camping and the night gowns aren't warm but I'm sure he will keep me toasty.

There are a few events that I'm really looking forward to. There is a round table discussion about M/s 24 7 that is being led by a M/s couple, I'm really hoping that we will get some good feedback and that we will learn a lot. There is also a D/s "formal" which I think is like a dinner/dance type thing that I'm excited to go to. There will be a dungeon for playing, tons of "games" and other activities to keep us busy and enthralled all weekend and I can not wait to get there!

I intend to give a full report when we get back, hopefully I will have a lot of really neat stories to relay.

I haven't felt this giddy in a long time!

bonds of security

Last night TJ and I "played" while the kids were gone for the night. It wasn't anything elaborate...it was actually perfect. It started off with a sort of punishment for my teasing him all day long...I "say sort of" because it led into the rest of the fun activities so it couldn't have been a completely real punishment...

TJ used a whip on me that we've had since we were dating, I'm not sure exactly how to describe it so I found a picture that looks close to what it is... I suppose it's more of a flogger than a whip. Anyway, ours is purple and only has a few knots at the ends with the rest of the soft braided material hanging loosely after it. He also used a small leather paddle that I do not like at all...cos it stings A LOT.

Before he started the spanking and the fun after that, he got me all ready. He put on my blindfold, secured my hands together in front of me, and chained my left foot to the bed post on the floor. Then he looped a rope through my cuffs and pulled me to lay across the bed, with my feet still on the floor and he tied that rope to the other bedpost on the floor so I was neatly draped over the bed.

The spanking that he gave me wasn't worse or lighter than any other spanking he's ever given me but I handled it so much better than ever before. At first I thought being tied down in such a fashion would scare me or make me freak out over the loss of control while he was spanking me...but it was the exact opposite reaction. I was able to concentrate on what he said, each stroke that he delivered, and how I was reacting to it all. It was as if because I could not escape him or his whip I could focus more. I felt more secure in the bonds of the rope than if I was just laying across the bed on my own accord.

I don't think he'll tie me down for every punishment, like I said I don't think he intended that to be any punishment really, I think he was just setting the scene. However, i did take it to be a punishment at the time and was crying pretty freely from the sting of the whip and because I had upset him...my tears did not dissuade him at all, which was unusual. When he asked me what was wrong I told him it hurt and he just said "oh, " and continued. Before we moved onto the fun stuff he did say he wasn't mad at me, because at that point I was worried he was still angry and he assured me he wasn't.

Then he told me that my mouth isn't for teasing, talking back or being mouthy....and he taught me what it was for......

It was his idea

A vacation that TJ and I had been planning for several months has been canceled. We were going to be going away for an entire week childless, and it was all pulled out from under me. I was really upset when he told me that we weren't going to be going. He said that we would take a few weekend trips together instead. I understood, there really wasn't anything to be done about it anyway. We decided to go up to a cabin for a few days and in a few months we would spend a weekend at a casino or go into the big city for the weekend. All good ideas, and I was glad that he wasn't just giving up on speneding time together. And then....
He pulled out his lap top and said "I wonder..." and next thing I knew he was looking for a BDSM B&B that was somewhat local. If we lived in the UK we'd have tons of options, unfortunately the only one near us is closed for renovations or something so nothing. However, we did come across a camping event that is all BDSM fun... and he not only said we could go he said we SHOULD go!

"Really?" I asked him with obvious confusion.
"Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun!" he seemed genuinely excited about the idea.
"You don't have to. You're only saying that because you know I'm disappointed about our trip," I turned back to the computer and starting to close the browser, but he stopped me.
"No, really I think it would be fun," he said again. "We should go," ... so we are going.
I think we will be having a lot of fun and I am hoping that we both learn a few things, as there are classes and such. TJ has said that I need to get a new outfit or two for the occasion and has picked out this outfit:


I'm not sure how comfortable that corset is going to be, and i have to find one that is a bit more budget friendly than the one in the picture, but I learned something. Apparently, TJ has always wanted me to wear a corset but has never once mentioned it! So..I'm gonna get the damn thing and wear it. He has also requested a new schoolgirl out fit for me and I will be showing him a few this evening to choose from.

I also got a spanking the other night. It was horrible and wonderful at the same time. It hurt like hell, as I knew it would since I haven't been spanked in months, and it was a punishment which always sting more to me because my mind thinks it should. But it was all him. He announced it and he carried through with it.

Yesterday was a good day as well. We went shopping for new clothes for work and several times he simply said "No," to something I was picking out and I promptly put it back. I accused him of wanting to come with me because he wanted to make sure I didn't get any fuddy duddy clothes and he smiled. "Yeah, kinda". The kids starting to act up a lot so we ended up going home sooner than planned but he told me to go back out and get some new skirts for work.

So I guess progress is being made again...slowly and I am too afraid to trust it but there's been some changes....

We couldn't be further away from where we were 6mos ago in relation to our DD or D/s or whatever relationship. We spend tons of time together whenever possible, and every second of it has been vanilla...actually a little platonic, too.

There was a glimmer of DD two nights ago but it faded as quickly as it had presented itself. TJ and I were chatting about something (nothing in particular) and I ended up saying "Whatever" when the topic turned to where I didn't want to talk about it anymore (I think we were talking about my schoolwork). "Whatever" used to be a banned word....ages ago. As we finished the conversation he said "And when the kids fall asleep come into my room so you can pay for that 'whatever'"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, not sure I heard what I had heard.
"You know,"
'No, no I don't" I wanted to make sure I wasn't about to humiliate myself yet again.
"I'm going to spank you for that," he said plainly.
"You haven't spanked me in months! You can't just turn the tides that fast,"
"I'm still your husband. When the kids go to bed, I'm going to spank you," I just blushed a bit and left to finish my homework. I was thrilled and a bit scared, it's been along time, it was going to hurt a lot...

When I was finished working, the kids where asleep, I went to his room:
"I'm finished," My words fell into the air.
"Ok, babe. Going to bed?" he asked pleasantly.
"Yup. I'm beat," My heart started to sink.
"Ok, give me a kiss and I'll tuck you in when I come up in a bit," my heart jumped out of my chest and flopped onto the floor before him.

I kissed him and left the room. I couldn't remind him, I couldn't bring myself to say 'uh...spanking' I just couldn't embarrass myself like that again. It's just a script he's trying to read from...I know that....I have to keep reminding myself that or he will surely crush me. It's best to forget all of this but he won't. He insists it can work, that he wants it to work.

...and I want it now!

I want a spanking!!!! I want to be tossed over his knee, skirt yanked up around my waist, panties ripped down to my thighs and thoroughly spanked! I want to feel the strength of his arm holding me in place as he wraps it around my waist, trying to contain my wiggling form. I want to feel the hot sting of his harsh hand on my bare bottom. I want to wait in anticipation for the next blow as he gently rests his spanking hand on my fiery rear to spend a moment lecturing me, laying down the law, giving structure to an otherwise chaotic situation.

It is what I want and quite simply what I need. I will not ask for it, I dare not ask for it, I will simply sit in my chair today at work and fantasize about all of the different things a man can say to send me into such a frenzy of arousal and desire.

Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times

If I ever questioned my submissive side, I don't now. The past two weeks have been horrible.

I had a lot of trouble doing the things I used to do for him. It's actually annoying, really. Little things that he likes (like a back scratch or a foot rub) are really hard for me to do because I start to think about how much I enjoyed doing them with a "submissive mind".

You might wonder why I can't do these things just because they please him and isn't that one of the submissive traits, to do things for his pleasure? Or because he's my husband and even a vanilla wife will do these things for her man. The answer is simple. When I do these little acts it reminds me that he doesn't want me in that capacity and it makes me feel like he wants all the servicing but none of the responsibility.

Sex has lost it's appeal, dramatically to me. I feel ugly, sad, lonely and all around miserable. I couldn't even put my skirts on anymore....isn't that just pathetic? I felt like a fake getting dressed the same way or doing the same things as before. I can not submit to someone who does not care one way or the other if I do or not. The whole "submit to him and he will lead" philosophy isn't going to work here.

I'm not angry at him. There's really nothing to be angry about, I can't force him to be something that he clearly isn't any more than I force myself to be something that I am most assuredly not. I'm angry at myself a little though. If I had really thought about all of this at the very beginning, many many years ago, I would have seen that he's not the type of guy to take responsibility for someone else (other than his kids, he's a great dad).

We did talk on Saturday night. TJ said that not having a marriage where he is the HOH isn't going to work for us. He said that my attitude lately has been getting out of hand. I was a little shocked because I was trying really hard not to give any attitude towards him. We talked and talked and he agreed that what I want out of our marriage is not what he wants.

"Why can't it be enough that I'm the man of the house and I will put my foot down when it needs to be," he asked me. He just doesn't understand. "It works great when it's working. Then you start pushing for more, and too fast, and then we end up all confused,"

It's not fair to ask him to give more than he wants to or can. I guess there is a small light in the darkness. When I first brought all of this up to him (years ago) he was repulsed by the very idea of spanking me for anything other than foreplay. Now he refuses to stop spanking me at all. Maybe in another decade he will be able to give me more...

We are not splitting up, although I won't lie and say it didn't come up. TJ said that for now we will start again, he will be the HOH and I will not be. I don't know what I am....not what I want to be, that much I know. He said that we don't talk enough (although he complained a few weeks ago that we talked too much) and that we let things get too messy before we talk about them. So every Sunday night we are going to set an hour aside and talk just about "this".

What does all this mean? I have no idea. I think I still can get spanked if I piss him off too much, cos I asked him "So I don't have to be spanked anymore?" and he said "Uh. No. You have gotten me used to that. I like that part of this. That won't ever go away."

I thrive on structure and schedules and TJ thrives on spontaneity and adventure. I don't see how we will make this work and I am still full of miserable feelings and thoughts. Because I want nothing more than to belong to him in more ways than simply being his wife...and that won't change, but he assures me we will make it work.

And so the rollar coaster begins again, a very slow steep climb up to the first drop....

Going Silent

I wonder if there is a switch inside of me that I can flip and make this all go away. Can I ignore this part of me, this urge I have to be what I crave to be? Well....I shall find out.

I haven't spoken to TJ about any of this and I don't plan to. He told me the other day we were going to talk about "this" part of our relationship, because of a comment I had made. It wasn't going to be a spanking or anything like that, he just wanted to talk about it. it wasn't a disrespectful comment or anything that would get me into trouble, just a general comment. That was three days ago. I did mention it to him that night after the kids were in bed and he kinda sighed in that way men sigh when they are about to be tortured with another talk about feelings. I didn't push the issue, he was the one who wanted to talk about it, I just got my soda and waited. He turned the TV on and forgot all about me being there. I let it go.

TJ told me once, not too long ago. "We talk about this all the time." I had shut down during that conversation because I didn't want to be overbearing to him. He assured me quickly, when he saw how hurt that comment made me, that it was fine, he didn't mind. However, I still remember it. The tone, the expression he had, the exasperation I saw in him. I don't bring it up to him anymore.

I'm tired, I'm just so damn tired. I can't force him to be the Dom I want. I can't force him to take control of things. He said to me a little while ago that we would find a way to make this all work, he just needed to find out how to do it so that he didn't sound fake. (because he's faking it) I told him that it was fine, not to worry, that we can just forget it. "Sure, and in five years when your 'working late' every night, what then?"

"You think I'd cheat on you?" I asked, somewhat shocked.
"Yeah, if your not getting what you need at home," he nodded.

So there you have it. He is faking what little dominance he shows because he is afraid that I will cheat on him with a real Dom.

Not only have I been trying to submit to someone who could care less about it, I know now that I have made a complete fool of myself because he was just play acting. Maybe not every time, but the majority of it.

So...I've decided to bury this need of mine. I'm taking some time off, I'm going to stay away from the blogs, the boards, the chats for a week and see how it goes, maybe two weeks. I'm no longer being the 'submissive' at home. I don't serve TJ anymore. I don't sleep nude anymore and I don't do things I'm not in the mood for anymore, just to please him. He was really shocked when I said, "No," to something he told me to do in bed, but he didn't force the issue or even comment, he just chose a different thing to do.

I haven't posted a lot of what's been going on because I wanted the good/bad/good/bad roller coaster to settle down, but I don't think that's going to happen.

Anyway, I'm signing off for a little while.

The Good and The Bad....

The good:

I have received a promotion. The office manager is moving and I have been moved up into her position, or will be when she leaves at the end of this week. I am excited about the new challenge and am absolutely terrified of it. I'm entering a bit of a mess, really. One employee just broke her arm and will be out of work for a month, another is on the brink of being terminated, and I have to hire a part time receptionist this week (who will replace the fired employee once she's been fired). Along with a few other little fires that need to be put out, but I'm planning on taking things one day at a time.

I worry about how this will change things here at home. Can I be "boss" at work and "submissive" at home? How do I transform that quickly as I walk into the house? Will I be able to? Things are shaky at home with the D/s dynamic as it is, will this clinch the deal and kill it all together?

The bad:
I had a horrible spanking the other night. It was completely warranted, I poked the bear and the bear bit hard!

TJ had asked me to write him a letter a week ago about what I was thinking. I did. He didn't read it. One of the things I mentioned in the letter was that sometimes I feel as though he loves the benefits of being the Dom/HOH/whatever but doesn't want to put any effort into it other than getting his way, being served, and serviced by me. So when he didn't read the letter, when he couldn't be bothered to read the 4 paragraphs he asked me to write...i got cheeky. I didn't really do it intentionally, the attitude that is. The directly disobeying him...yeah..I did that on purpose.

How childish! How unsubmissive! I agree.

I mentioned that I wanted to get some icecream from the freezer and he said "No, no more ice cream today," (cos he let me have a small bowl after lunch). I shrugged in response. An hour later, after the kids were in bed, I sat down with my frosty treat to watch a movie.

"How's the ice cream?" he asked in a strained tone. I smiled and said it was great. Poke, Poke, Poke. "When your movie is over I want to speak with you,"

"Uh, huh," poke!

The hairbrush and I did more talking than TJ did, of that I am sure. Although I did hear him say things like, "You don't roll your eyes at me!" (I don't remember doing it, but I'm sure I did) and "I can't believe you ate that ice cream right in front of my face!"

In the end I did tell him I was upset about the letter, and he explained that it was no excuse for my behavior (which I already knew). He has since read the letter and we chatted very briefly about it. It wasn't a big deal really, and I handled the whole thing like a ninny.

I hate dowel rods. I think they should all be gathered up and burned.

TJ decided to use the damnable thing last night for my punishment. (I didn't pay the cell phone bill again and our phones got shut off for the second month in a row...I assure you I had a good explanation...)

TJ has started to do this thing during a spanking that is way too much for me. He uses my anticipation against me. He will swing his arm back and act as though he is going to deliver the blow and then doesn't, he repeats this action a few times so that I never know when it's going to land. I HATE this because I think it totally screws up my mindset. I'm so focused on what he's doing that I'm not thinking about anything else. And I think it's just kinda mean, there's no purpose to it other than to screw with my head.

Anyway, he was doing this last night and finally I couldn't take it and I hopped out of the way and tried to catch my breath. He got upset and told me to just go to bed "I'm done with you," he said. I apologized and tried to talk to him about it. "How does this work if you pick the punishment," he asked because I was reminding him that he had agreed only to use the dowel rod for a severe punishment. "Get back over there and pull your pants down," he finally said when I asked him if he would finish up.

He grabbed his belt and finished up. I think he gave harder swats to prove his point, but I took them as well as I could, I didn't move out of position.

"This is to remind you who decides when the punishment is over!" he placed a hand on my shoulder and delivered two very hard lashes of the belt across my bare bottom.

I tried to talk to him this morning about the mind games but he just said we didn't have time and we could talk about it tonight.

Here's my dilemma. If I do talk with him about this, is it me controlling the punishment? I mean I don't see any benefit to this 'technique'. It's a HUGE distraction for me and all it does is make me afraid, and what's the point of fear in this setting?

Expectations

I thrive on structure. When the day is well organized and scheduled, it will all go very smoothly. If there are rules for me to follow, I am very happy and calm. When there is no schedule or no rules or guidelines I get lost.

Maybe, as an adult woman, I shouldn't need so much structure or I should be able to create it for myself. For the most part, I do. I schedule my days, have my lists of things to get done each day, and for the most part it works well. I've taken on a few "rules" for myself and they are going OK, but I'm really only accountable to myself. I'm finding that because I'm not accountable to Him for these things I'm not all that content with it.

There are a few rules that he has set for me and I follow them pretty well. These other rules are just a few things I wanted to change in our relationship, and although he loves the changes they aren't something he would have ever set into motion himself. I am enjoying the changes, mostly because they make him happy and my mindset is more focused on my submission.

What is bothering me or rather what is on my mind currently is... I'm not accountable to him for these new rules. If I were to decide tomorrow to forget about them they would just fade away into the distance. He might ask "What happened to.." and I might reply with "Oh, I decided not to do that anymore," and he probably would shrug and say "Oh. Ok,"

I won't be abandoning my new little rules, like I said he's enjoying them, but the fact that I'm not accountable to him for them is irking me.

Another thing that's bugging me is expectations. I feel that he expects very little from me, which I suppose might be a good thing but as I said earlier, I thrive on structure, goals, rules, schedules.

I'm almost done with my online course and I took the last quiz (the final is next week...cross your fingers for me) the other night and got an 88%. I was happy to have passed the quiz because I was having a hard time with this particular chapter, and TJ was glad that it was over for me as well, since he's been listening me curse and groan over this material. We started talking about my grade and I said at this point I didn't think I'd be able to pull an A in the class but my B is very solid. He went on to say that in college the grade doesn't matter, just pass the class, get the degree. My heart sank to my feet.

"To me it matters. To do the very best I can do matters," I said to him and he did agree with me but said not to stress the A or B, just to pass the course.

"I really wish you expected more out of me," I responded and changed the subject.

Sometimes I take the fact that he doesn't expect much to mean that he doesn't think I could do much. As if I would let him down and so he just won't expect it to begin with. I know that this tendency of his isn't a result of our relationship, but of other things in his past, however it's starting to get to me.

I would love for him to set a goal for me, something for me (or us) to work towards (non-sexually or sexually); but for now I will set my goals and work towards them on my own. I don't need him to schedule my days or make every little deicison for me, that would drive us both nuts within a day. What I would love, would make my heart swell is if he picked one thing, one tiny thing, and took charge of it.

For now, I will take what I'm getting from him and I'll keep working on me.

I wrote a post last night about TJ and myself that, although very honest, wasn't very nice. I have deleted it. I am having a hard time with my relationship with TJ and it's not fair to publicize what I've told him in private when he has no venue to defend his position. He has assured me that what needs to be worked on will be worked on...and to be honest I don't know what will happen.

Nothing horrible happened, he didn't cheat on me or anything like that, it's just a dependability issue. Anyway, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best, no matter what happens. In the meantime the spanking will continue, the D/s relationship will sloooooooowly evolve or it will dissolve... this is all just one huge roller coaster ride and I have to hold on for dear life and wait for the ride to calm.

The one thing that has not changed is that we love each other and we've worked through worse situations, so I'm confident that we will work this all out just fine. I'm thinking a date night might be in order...it's been a really long time since we've had one.

Maybe I just need a good sorting out. I feel rather lost at the moment, in regards to D/s, and i feel like I have no where to really turn...this feeling coupled with the other stuff has left me feeling a bit down, but I'm keeping my chin up and my skirts on!

Hum drum..

I am in a really crappy mood today. I can't justify it at all, I'm just in a bad mood.

I think I tried to do too many things today.. work, school, open house at 6yr olds school, cut lawn, do a load of laundry, write, bathe children. Because I cut the grass after work I didn't change in my skirt instead I opted to put on some jeans..and I have to admit I felt different. I didn't feel very girly, even though I was still wearing my jewelry and a really nice t-shirt, I just felt more empowered...but not in a good way, like in a take charge, get out of my way - way... but that has to be a very silly thing...for my clothing to ruin my mood?

No..I'm gonna say it's because I did too much today and haven't had a second alone with TJ today. That's what it is. I've been such a grouch today with him I'm sure he's upstairs in his tub grateful to be away from me.

I got a spanking the other night. Apparently TJ doesn't think my new sandals were a necessary purchase. You know...that was the first time I have been spanked for my spending money on something frivolous. I had also bought new panties recently and he noticed them while I was laying over his lap.

"These are nice panties....now you'll have to pay for them..." he said as he switched from using his hand to the wooden frat paddle. YUCK.

It wasn't horrible..well at the time it stung like the very hell from whence that damn thing came...but afterward, the sting went right away...I think he's out of practice...he's forgotten that a longer spanking leaves a longer impression...but I won't be reminding him.

She should be....

Some qualities a submissive should have (remember, these are just things in my head and really shouldn't be taken as anything other than frivolous thinking and not some hard line rule for anyone)

1. Have the want/need to be obedient. I remember when I was first starting to find my interest in all of this submission stuff, I wanted nothing more than for someone to make me obey them. Because, you see, if he made me than it wasn't my fault that I was being obedient. It would be okay to shed the feminist ideals and follow a man's lead, it would be his doing, not my own. Obviously, that isn't the way to go. When a woman offers her submission freely and with the true desire to be led and to be submissive to the man she loves, it makes for a much more fertile garden for their relationship to grow.

2. Be Open to suggestions/demands. She has to be open to learning new things. Not just sexually, he may want his shirts ironed a different way than she is used to doing. She needs to be able to accept that her way isn't the only way, and most likely won't be the right way if he says it's not.

3. Be strong. Some people misconstrue being submissive with being a doormat. A recently had a conversation with someone about me being submissive and she just kept shaking her head and saying "I just don't see you as being submissive," and I explained that my submission to TJ did not mean that I did know what I want or that I was not willing to ask or even demand for what I need. The submissive woman can not have the mindset that she is "less than" her Dom/Husband/Master/ Etc.. she is just as important, she is just as wonderful. Her needs have a place, too in the relationship and if they aren't met the relationship will end. (Just like in a vanilla relationship) So the submissive woman needs to be able to respectfully put her foot down and say "This is what I need out of this relationship..." and as long as it is done with respect I think any Top would be able to handle it. Being strong doesn't mean being overbearing and nagging, it means being able to express your needs and wants...and being a submissive also means understanding the difference between wants and needs.

4. Trustworthy. As with any relationship, there has to be trust and dependability. If he can't spank her for being naughty without worrying that she's gonna call the cops on him...the relationship is going to suffer. If she throws his dominance in his face when she gets a little upset with him and makes idle threats of leaving or turning him in for "abuse" than there will definitely be issues and the relationship will go no where and real quick.



Here's a mistake I made the other day that TJ brought my attention to, I didn't really realize what I had been doing...

TJ and I had a little quibble kind of serious but fixable...anyway...in the middle of our chat he reached over and starting touching me. This usually means he's done with the conversation and wants to move on to make up time. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and he said "So?"

"You can't just use me!" I blurted out...a small attempt at playing hard to get.
"Don't do that. You can't say that. Cos then when I do try to, I feel guilty and you get upset if I never do,"

He got me there. Even though I wasn't really meaning it, I was just teasing him a bit, because I wanted to be conquered at the moment...it sends messy signals. So..I apologized and well.... he got his. WEG

He needs to be..

The Dominant, HOH, Top, Master or whatever name you have chosen for the head honcho in the relationship, needs to have a few qualities...

1. Dependable. He can't go around making idle promises or threats. If he says he's going to do something he has to do it. Even (almost especially) the trivial things. She needs to know that he's taking care of her even in the non sexual, non spanking ways. If she has to constantly worry about "did he pay the water bill?" "Did he take the trash out, it's pick up day" "Did he remember to get the kids from school today..." etc... how can she relinquish control? Now, this is not to say that he can't be human...everyone forgets trash day now and then...and who hasn't forgotten to mail a bill once in a while...but the majority of the time..if he said he's gonna do it...he better do it.

2. Sturdy. He can't be wishy washy. If he has a preference..state it and stand by it. Don't piddle around the bush... "Uh..I dunno...maybe...well...what do you think?" NO. If he likes his woman shaved, just say it. If he wants her to call before she leaves work so that he knows to expect her home, tell her!

3. Unmoved but reasonable. When his lady is out of line he needs to be unmoved by her "excuses", while being reasonable in his expectations.

4. Trustworthy. This is an absolute MUST for any relationship, as far as I'm concerned, but even more so when DD or D/s or M/s is involved. If you don't trust the man holding the paddle, step away and rethink the situation. This also goes hand in hand with #1. If you can't depend on him, trusting him is a very hard thing to do. There is so much more to D/s than sex and if he can't take care of things for normal day to day things, how can you trust him with your being, your heart and your soul?

These are just things that have been floating around my head today. I might think up a list of qualities she should have...

It's what you crave

Yesterday, I posted about wanting a spanking or at least I fantasized a bit about it. Today, while I was walking this morning I put more thought to it.

I crave to feel his dominance. That is really what I want, and when he is spanking me I can feel it, it's tangible at that moment. It's unmistakable during that time who is the dominant person and who is not, no reason to believe that I'm in control what so ever.

I've done my best to simply focus on my submission, to obey, to serve, to follow rules (Even rules he really doesn't give a hoot about) and it's going okay. He's thrilled to his toes and I am happy on some level, too. But, as I was walking this morning and planning my day in my head..it occurred to me that by focusing only on me...am I in more control now than before?

He dictates nothing. I'm following my own routine, my own rules (along with the few he has set) and go along submitting to him in my way. He's had really no participation in this...and that's what I had set out to do, with the hope that he will jump in the boat with me at some point. I'm not complaining...or at least that isn't really my intention...and I do not plan on deviating from this behavior. But I'm craving his dominance as much as one craves chocolate. I need to feel it, to touch it, to hear it, to see it. Some sign that he truly is the one in control around here and it isn't just me "playing the submissive".

I am feeling frustrated and lonely today, but it will pass, it always does.

In need of a cold shower

I recently commented on a post by Poppy that I don't think I liked gg spankings.. actaully...let me find my response...one sec while I dig...ok, got it... here it is

"I used to crave good girl spankings, at times I still think I would like one. However, whenever TJ has obliged me.... I never came out of it all warm and fuzzy, I usually came out sulking and a bit bitter. Perhaps because I wasn't looking for a spanking but more of a fondling of sorts. Hmm...now I have to re-think this whole thing."

And I still stand by this response, but it's been so damn long since I've gotten a spanking I'm wondering if maybe I should give it another go. I surely don't want a punishment, although I feel loved and cared for afterwards, there's always the dark cloud hanging over the whole thing. I don't even want the pain of a spanking...

I think what I am craving today, and have have been for several days, is a reminder of who and what we are to each other. The intimacy of it, the feel of his knees beneath my belly as I lay over his lap on the couch and he begins to gently rub his hand over my bottom. The soft caress he may give me, the tracing of my bum with his fingertips, and the warm slaps of the flat of his hand against the bare skin of my backside. The warmth that spreads evenly and eventually turns into a heat that is near to unbearable, but not entirely so.

The small breaks he takes to remind me that he's in charge and that I am his wife and will obey his will and law. The loving strokes he gives while he explains that when I am naughty, he will correct my behavior and that he will not tolerate any attitude from me. He reminds me of the rules and maybe even adds one or two, something new he wants to add to our marriage to this dynamic of ours.

When it's over my skin is red and glowing and he can barely stand the wait until we get up the stairs to our bedroom and he can feel the heat of my bottom against him as he...... yes...it's been far too long!

Small changes

Asking TJ his opinion about things has always been something that I did, it was listening to his opinion that I have had trouble doing! I would ask him which shirt he thought was best, he'd answer and sometimes I'd listen and sometimes I'd over rule him.

No more!

Now when I ask him his opinion, his opinion becomes law...at least to me. I am in dire need of new shoes to match all the nice skirts I have obtained lately. TJ didn't feel like going to the store with me, as we had already spent several hours running errands with the kids, so I browsed online first before I headed out. I showed him several pair of shoes I thought were cute and he said no to about 3/4s of them. One pair he said he didn't care for were really cute and I kinda was hoping he'd like them..but...I closed the window anyway. Having in my head the three pairs he and I agreed on I went to the store to try them on. They looked wonderful but the store didn't have the colors I wanted so I ended up not getting anything.

This morning, I came down to the kitchen already dressed for the day and I asked him if the skirt looked ok..it's a bit old and I wanted to make sure it wasn't faded. He said he liked the outfit and said "You do need new shoes."

To everyone else, this may be nothing. So he made a comment about my shoes, so what? He had an opinion and he expressed it without me prodding him for it.

Yesterday as I was making dinner, I had on my apron (just like he likes) and he said "Oh! We should have picked you up a new apron while we were out this morning," (cos my apron is 11 yrs old, yellow with red hot peppers all over it...it was a wedding gift...) When I went out for shoe shopping I also browsed for aprons... I found not a single apron at the two stores I went to, so back to the web and have found a very pretty apron that I am hoping to purchase.

TJ looked at me this morning and shook his head smiling at me. When I asked him what he was laughing about he said "It took 30 years, but you are finally a girl!" and I just grinned back at him.

"Would you like to slip into my sweat pants and your old flannel shirts?" and he shook his head no, then pinched my bottom...saying something about easy access and skirts.

Which brings me to the best advantage of wearing a skirt/dress, to some I was simply sitting on TJ's lap in the living room...the truth...well.... *GRIN*

Seriously...I need to take a seminar on titles!

This past week has been a busy week...as are most weeks around here. TJ has been playfully swatting me for days. This morning he swatted my bottom so hard it took a few seconds for me to catch my breath from the shock of it. (He was awfully proud of himself!)

He started playing around with the a wooden dowel rod that he found in the bedroom behind the door and was eyeing me with it.

"You are really aching to spank my bottom!" I accused him.

"Yes! It's been a while and I'm not used to it," he swooshed the thing through the air a few times for effect and put it away. Thankfully! I am not sure what it was doing up in our room and I have plans to go back up there and hide it..or throw it away.

I'm half tempted just to screw up a little so that he can get the spanking out of his system. I've mentioned that he can give a spanking just to give a spanking but he doesn't seem to keen on that idea. But if something doesn't happen soon, his playful swats are going to be leaving quite a bruise!

In all seriousness, I'm glad that I haven't earned a spanking in a while. I've been mostly very relaxed these past few weeks. I'm starting to see that when I back off, he steps up. I have to trust more and take more risks. I've always thought that I was vulnerable with TJ...but not as vulnerable as I should be. He's going to mess up, and I'm going to mess up but to continue guarding myself from his screw ups only keeps me in control of things that I don't want to be in control of.

One little thing at a time.

Goals during sex.

The other night TJ was feeling frisky, and me being the obedient wife that I am, would never say no. Ok, that was supposed to be sarcastic, but it is true. I have only told him "no" for sex one time in our marriage. It's not that I'm always in the mood, well...ok...if I'm not at the beginning I can get there pretty quick...but that's not the real reason I don't say "no".

I don't turn him down because I don't have a good reason to. I mean it's fun, it's intimate, it isn't exactly hard work... there really is no good reason...well..ok..illness would be a good reason but not a "headache" reason, I mean like an actual illness. In which case he wouldn't ask for it anyway. I'm digressing again...

So back to the other night. TJ gets into bed, but suddenly remembers something and has to hop back out to handle whatever it was. As he ducked out of the bedroom he said "Don't go to sleep, I'll be back in 5 minutes. I have plans for you," So..I didn't fall asleep and his plans...well..he had sex on the brain.

Towards the end I let him know that I was where near "the end" and he didn't have to wait for me. (Sexy talk..I know) He asked me if I wanted him to 'use me' to which I answered in the affirmative...he needed no further encouragement.

Afterwards, when we where laying in bed, I asked him if he thought it was odd that I could get just as much satisfaction without having an orgasm as I did having one. I don't remember his exact words but basically he said that it depended on what you were looking to get out of sex.

I enjoy sex with TJ because I love him, it's something I only do with him, it's an expression of our passion for each other, and there's the physical fun stuff too! I don't need to orgasm (Although, I do not like it when he forbids me to) in order to enjoy the activity as long as he enjoyed himself. The ending is really just the icing on the cake, I still enjoy the cake even if I don't get to east the frosting. Does this make any sense to anyone other than me?

I'm not saying I don't love the ending I do, and TJ loves when I get there. But it's not an essential part of the equation for me. I want to please him, and if I do that than I am pleased. If I orgasm, even more of a smile will cross his lips (Unless he's being mean and won't let me...which really isn't very often).

I don't want to give the impression that he doesn't care if I finish or not...he does. He doesn't withold them from me unless he has a reason, generally he wants me to. It has taken a long time to get him to understand that even though I love to "finish" it's not always the "goal" for me. The goal is to please him, and in doing so, I will please myself....and if I only wanted the "goal"...I'd just please myself anyway WEG.

I've not talked about sex really on here that much, but I just wanted to work it out in my head. I've always loved sex and I always will...and sometimes I think I'm the only woman in the world who thinks it's just fine not to orgasm.

A friend at work complains that her husband is always bugging her for sex. She says she feels bad because the man has to beg and plead for her to let him have sex with her, and eventually she gives in. When I asked her what the big deal was, just have sex, it's not like it's going to take hours upon hours, just give him some, she responds with "I'm so tired," or "I don't feel like it". When I suggested she just give it up for him and not require a finish line for herself she gave me the oddest look.

I don't make that suggestion anymore in public.

A struggle

I am doing my best to turn my focus on to my own self. How I behave and how I react to others behavior, and I'm not doing all that bad. It's just this one tiny area I'm having a really hard time with.

TJ has accepted responsibility for something...signing the kids up for a program at the park, and I am doing my very best to back off, not to get in his way, or nag. I am trying very hard to either cheer his success or... well...that's where I'm stuck.

Should he not succeed. Should he do the usual thing he does, and completely forget. What do I do then? I have every intention of doing nothing to rectify the situation. This ball is in his hands and should he drop it...it will either be him that picks it up or it will simply roll away on the ground. I will not swoop in and fix it; it will stay broken. And it sucks for the kids because there is a chance they won't get signed up for this particular program. (Though, I'm pretty sure they have long forgotten about it) But how do I react?

Well, I know how I will react..I will get angry, disappointed, feel let down, annoyed, frustrated...etc. The question really is what will I do? Will I yell? Will I point out that once again he has not done something he promised me he would take care of? Will I cry? Will I pout? Will I scream and bang my fists on the table? Or will I simply let it go and hope he takes the next opportunity to step up and be the responsible man I know he can be?

To be honest I don't know what I will do. I have asked him a few times if he knew when the program started and each time he has said "Oh crap! I need to do that tonight!". I haven't pressured him, I haven't rolled my eyes, I've simply said "Well, let me know. I think it runs on Saturdays and I want to make sure I'm not working that day so I can be there for the first day,"

I'll be honest, again, and say I got frustrated with it and finally looked it up to see when the first day is, I'm not working and if he gets them signed up it will be a great day.

I am hoping that I can simply point out to him that he didn't do it and that I will be respectful and let it go... actually, I'm hoping he does it and proves me wrong for having all this anxiety about it. He said he'll do it. I have to trust that he is going to do it! He will do it!

He'll do it....he'll do it...he'll do it. And if he doesn't...I will be good. I will not scream and yell and have a fit. I will simply let it go...but I will NOT fix it. It just won't get done. Focus on me...focus on my reaction...

Do I sound like a broken self help book?

Clothing.

Yesterday, I talked briefly about the change of clothing. I have put away my jeans and sweats and replaced them with skirts and a dress. At first I did this simply at a suggestion from another woman, not really thinking it would make that much of a difference. Wow! I was wrong! Taking off my scrubs and slipping into a skirt really does transform my mindset. I can't really say that I feel more "subbie" when I have a skirt on...well...maybe that is a good way to say it. I do know that I feel much more feminine. I do feel more soft natured and am way more mindful of who and what I am. I know...seems kinda silly to get all those feelings simply by donning a skirt; however that's how it's been. I walk slower, sway my hips a bit more, and am more conscience of my posture. Cos, if you are going to wear a pretty skirt and a nice top you need to make sure you aren't popping out of places you don't want to be popping out of. And really....what's the point of a nice outfit if you are all wrinkled and have mustard stains on your shirt? I put on makeup every day now. I used to put on make up one day and even though I washed my face, there seemed to always be a little left behind. So I could put on mascara and eyeliner on Monday and wouldn't really need to re-apply until Wed or Thursday..I know...not the most girlish behavior. Now, I make sure I have washed all of the makeup off each day and re-apply a fresh face. I only wear eye liner and mascara..maybe some eyeshadow so it's not that big of a deal to do it daily, I have learned. TJ doesn't like tons of make up...so I don't do the full face thing...I don't think I would know how, anyway. I've also started wearing a necklace and earrings every day. I'm telling you, all of these things have really got my mind in a better place...which is just kinda silly to me. To look better is to feel better?? I've always believed that the clothing does not make the person...perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps, I was wrong about a lot of things.

Hi there.....

I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about this past week, but haven't had a second to do so. Things are starting to go well, things are starting to look up...I think. You know me, this week it's all sunshine and next week it's all gloom.

I've started getting up at 5 am each morning and going for a long walk. Amazing! I have felt more energy and my days are so much more upbeat, and I get to think. I've been thinking a lot about my submission to TJ. There are still a few things about TJ that worry me or rather piss me off, but when compared to the other wonderful things, it's not that huge of a deal...at the moment, anyway. Anyway, what I've been thinking about is the difference between submission and subservience.

I do enjoy getting TJ a cup of tea, doing his laundry, and even making his lunch (when time permits) but I do not do these things because I'm the submissive one. I do these things because I enjoy doing it. I've made it a point this week of getting him a glass of water when he gets home from work. Not because he has asked me to or that he expects is, but because I know that's the first thing he does when he gets home, so I've just taken it upon myself to get the glass of water and place it on the counter for him. He hasn't really commented on it other than to be surprised and give me a thanks, and a kiss. At first I worried that I was starting to get into a mode of "serving" him that was going to make me feel uneasy. However, it hasn't happened.

I don't do the little things for him because he requires it, I do them because I love the smile on his face when I do. The warm kiss he gives me when I bring him a cup of tea in the evening is worth the two seconds it takes to put the tea bag in the cup with some hot water. I have also found that the more little things I do for him, the more little things he does for me. He is more affectionate, more loving, and he will offer to help with things I would normally just take care of.

I used to want him to make me a list of things to do. A "rule" list. Now, I just figure...if I want to bring him his tea each night...do it. Why make him make me? If I want to have a glass of water ready for him when he gets home...do it. No need to wait for a "command", I know it will make him happy, and isn't that the goal? To make each other happy? Maybe this doesn't really fall under the "submissive" category...perhaps more under the "just being nice" category. And, I'm working on not expecting things back in return... working on it.... LOL

The skirts I mentioned previously.

I have stuck to it. I have worn a skirt or dress every day this week, except for at work cos I have to wear scrubs. TJ has commented on it. He is also enjoying my new habit of sleeping in the buff.

The more submissive I behave the more Dominant he behaves. Even for subtle little things.

The other night I came home from work (12 hr shift) and my phone rang just as I walked in the door, it was my sister. I answered the call and started to put my purse down and get my coat off, TJ didn't say anything, just walked out of the room. I coudl tell he wasn't all that thrilled though.

A little while later, after I had given him a kiss goodnight and started to head up stairs, he called me back.

"Hey, when you walk in the door, you don't answer your phone. You kiss me hello and talk to me, you can call back who ever is calling. You haven't seen me all day and I had to wait until you were done on the phone to even get a kiss." And he said all seductively dommish. I just stared at him a second before nodding my head. He kissed me again and sent me off to bed with a pinch to my bottom.

So, things have been crazy here with work, the kids, and getting a paper for my class written, but things are also good. Not great, yet, but I can only work on me...and I am hard work!

I hate making up titles

It was a good day. I was able to keep myself not only out of trouble, but in a good (exhausted but good) mood all day long. My diet is completely blown for today, but I will get back on track first thing in the morning!

TJ did not forget about me last night. As soon as I logged off of here I went to tell him good night and he said "Don't go trying to sneak away...come in here," and he cleared the usual spot for me to stand. I did as good of a job as I could standing still for him as he spanked me with his belt (his favorite thing lately is to use his belt...I hate the damn belt). I did move a few times, but I got right back into place. I went into the spanking with the mindset that I had earned it, I had asked for it, and that I was going to do my best to take it with grace...and I did. I went to bed calm and relaxed and I think he was happy with me. He didn't say it, and maybe he didn't even notice my effort..but i noticed it and I also noticed at how much more positive the experience was for me because of it.

I didn't have any residual guilt or irritation that I sometimes get after a spanking. I think that's because when I go into with the "just get it over with" mentality it leaves a sour aftertaste, but when I go in with my heart open and my mind focused, I come out with such a warmth and calm sensation it's hard to describe.

I don't plan on earning any more punishments for a while and i have a new goal in mind. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping for some new clothes, with TJ's permission of course. I am going to try dressing more "feminine", TJ loves me in jeans and t-shirts but he also loves to see the softer side of me. So, to the store I go...I loathe clothes shopping but it's only a few skirts, how hard can that be?

Another day and another dollar..

Ok, fine...I give up. I can not simply ignore this part of me. I know it's only been a few days, but I can't fathom just leaving it all behind and never looking back at it. So. That said. I think this blog is going to change a bit. I think it's going to become more about me and less about "TJ and me". At least, that's my intent.

I am going to start thinking about my submission and less about his domination. Yes. That sounds like a good idea. I have a feeling that if I truly submit, if I give it my all even when I think he's not watching...he'll start watching.

I know..I know...I shot down that theory in my last post..but hey, i've changed my mind (again!). This afternoon I was cooking (An awesome dinner of schnitzel and spatzel) and with the flour starting to fly I rembered TJ telling me long ago that I should wear my apron when I'm cooking. I can not tell you how many shirts I have ruined by not doing so. I instantly went and grabbed the apron that hangs in the laundry room. TJ was really happy to see me wearing it when he came in from the back yard. He commented on how much he loved to see me wearing it...so I shall be wearing it each time I cook....just cos he likes it. I know..big deal..but to me it's a small step in the right direction.

I tried really hard today to be in a submissive mind frame; however, the five trips to the grocery store and several easter things to do got to the better of me. I started to snap and at one point TJ marched over to me and swatted my backside hard. I quieted down a bit and said "I'm having a bad day," and he agreed. A few minutes later he said we'd be having a "refresher" this evening.

I commented that I thought we weren't doing "That" anymore. He laughed and asked where I got a crazy idea like that. I said "Well, I told you...I said a few days ago.." and he laughed harder.

"We are still doing that. You don't get to just turn it off," and he walked out still smiling to himself. So, who knows what will transpire. I'm not really even caring if it actually happens, just that he said that was enough to calm me down and get my head back on straight. And, if he actually does remember...I'll take what he dishes out with as much grace as I can muster. Should he forget...well...I'll just go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day.

No more giving up. No more pretending like I can just flip a switch and ignore a side of me that isn't going to go away. No more!



On a fun note. libby over at a submissive's musings was kind enough to bestow upon me a beautiful blogger award. Thank you libby, you have been more help to me than you may know. I believe I am now supposed to pass it on to three more bloggers. So here they are.

Katia, because she is such a warm and wonderful person that you can't help but become friends with her. She is a talented writer as well as a good friend.

Hermoine, because her blog just gives me the smiles I need on the days I need them the most.

Poppy, because I admire her writing very much. I hope one day to have one drop of the talent that she has, and what she has to say is just as wonderful as the way she says it!

Well there ya go... Now....I'm off to finish making the easter cake and then who knows...