The weekend

I never posted what happened during our camping weekend! Well...let's rectify that!

The bad.
1) Our camp spot was on an incline which gave me vertigo and made sleeping and relaxing a bit difficult until TJ and I were able to find a way to make the airmatress level enough to keep the motion feeling at a minimum.

2) The only real flushing toilets were a bit of a walk away from us so I had to deal with pit toilets (which are vile).

3) I got my period a few days early and exactly one day into our trip.

4) I got myself into a bit of trouble right before we left. Apparently TJ ran out of gas driving home from dropping our dog off at the inlaws for our trip the night before we left...and somehow it was my fault cos I didn't have the quarter tank of gas in the van like I'm supposed to. (But I still maintain that it's not my fault that he didn't look at the tank before he got on the express way......i'm just sayin)


The good.

1) TJ let us play in the main dungeon this year and we both have come to love the St. Andrews cross.

2) TJ realized he doesn't have enough toys and wants to expand his toy bag to include a flogger (which I agree with) but he also still insists on a cane.

3) We went to a caning demonstration and TJ learned a few things that make me feel a bit more comfortable letting him try one on me.

4) There was a human food tray at the D/s formal that we attended one evening and I was able to lick and suck a woman's breast for the first time. I have been wanting to do that for a long time and I have to say I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would.

5) There were miles and miles of trails in the woods surrounding the camp ground that TJ and I took advantage of. We love to hike so that was relaxing and fun.... and being bent over a tree trunk and being used....that was absolutely wonderful.

6) Although the punishment for the gas thing sucked....if it hadn't been a punishment it woulda been pretty awesome. TJ walked me into the woods, tied my hands over my head to a tree limb, he pulled down my pants and whipped me until he was sure I was contrite. On the way back to camp we were all snuggles and I asked him if I could finally have an orgasm since the punishment was over. He thought I meant right that moment and granted my request. He found another tree for me lean against and told me to go ahead. I slid my hand into my jeans and began to play while he lifted my shirt and began to play with my breasts. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he twisted, pulled, and licked my nipples. When finally gave me permission, he covered my mouth to muffle my scream of pleasure as the immense wave crashed into me and the intensity of his stare, the pressure of his fingers over my mouth, and the heat in my nipple all pushed me over the edge. After it was all finished I was shaking and tears filled my eyes which I think completely confused him but he held me until I was able to straighten myself up and walk back to camp on my own.

7) TJ did more breast play with me than he ever has before and it was absolutely awesome.


I'm still hopeful that at some point our marriage will head down the road I want it to but for now I will be happy just to have him in my life and willing to spend weekends like that with me.

I did it!

I went and had my first ever bikini wax!

TJ and I are heading off to our camping get away this weekend (twisted tryst) and I asked TJ if I could could waxed because shaving leaves me all red and bumpy which doesn't make for sexy time. He agreed...even after he found out how much it was going to cost, but did add "But this isn't going to be a monthly thing!" (Which I think he will rethink once he gets a good look at it.)

Anyhoo... I made the appt and went over knowing it was going to be uncomfortable and I was fully prepared to be horrified at the whole "stranger looking at me down there" thing.

I was shocked! I was completely at ease. No big deal what so ever to have this woman poking, prodding, spreading, waxing, ripping. (Ok it hurt...i'm not going to lie.. in some spots it hurt like hell) But overall...not the worst experience I've had.

The position I loved the most (insert cute eye roll) was when she went to do the "back". Face down, Ass UP..."ok, now pull that cheek away a bit, that's right," OMG I wanted to laugh at the way I must have looked but the kicker was that little sucking in sound of air and I just sighed to myself.

"Don't worry about that, air goes in, it comes out...happens to everyone during this part," to which I said "Well, good...cos it's not like there's much of a choice in this position."

After all of this....the woman is kind enough to leave alone to put my pants back on. I just found that to be hilarious!

I was doing laundry a few minutes ago and TJ came into the room and told me to bend over, which I did. He lifted my skirt and took a look..then told me to turn around and lift my skirt so he could see the front...which again I did. He looked and then grinned real wide "That must have hurt like hell!" he laughed and went to take his shower.

I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for camp and haven't done a single thing. I'm hoping to have a lot of good stories to tell when we get back. Camp is the one place where I know I'm with people like me, people who understand me, who don't judge me and don't reject me. I can't wait...and the sex should be good too!

Measha

Same ole...

Lately I've been battling the same battle of I want more and he doesn't seem to be able to do more and I started to really think about the whole dynamic. Yes, I crave it. I try to stuff it down deep inside and hide from it and am pretty successful for a few months but then it creeps up on me like heartburn after a bad piece of pizza. It burns and screams until I have no choice but to address it.

And when I address it, things get ugly around here. I slip into a self made pool of misery and just shut him out completely. Sure that he won't accept me, positive that he will reject me. Afterall, I must be positively sick in the head to want what I want. To be owned and possessed in the way that I want. No self respecting woman in 2011 would want this, right?!

Of course I'm wrong! I know it in my head but then a huge dark cloud of self doubt forms over my head and engulfs me.

I want desperately to surrender to it, this craving of submission. I want to give in and let it take over me but there is a huge road block. Me. Some idiotic voice screams at me "You can not let him tell you what to do!" "Why are you letting spank you!?! You are an adult woman!" This is the voice that wins over when I smirk at him and am flippant about an order he's given.

How can I ever expect him to dominate when I seem unable to submit? I still get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that should I submit to him fully, he would be repulsed by me, the weak pathetic woman kneeling at his feet.

So my defenses go up. My heart hardens and I refuse, I try to force him to force me into submission- and who the hell wants that!?

I want him to show me that it's ok to be submissive. I want to know that/feel that even at my most submissive moment he will love me and want me. I need that security, that he's not judging me, that he's not thinking how pathetic I am. I need to know that I'm not making a fool of myself.

I want desperately to explore this side of myself, if I could simply stop being so damn afraid he'll find me severely lacking and walk out the door. What if I were to give over completely and he simply rejected me??

Doesn't he see that for me to be unowned is to feel unloved? That I am trapped all alone in this without him to help guide me? Yes, I've explained it and he says he gets it...but none the less I retreat into my shell and try to cure myself of this.

I can't talk with him about it anymore, it's too embarrassing. I feel humiliated and exhausted after trying to talk with him. He always soothes me, says he loves me no matter what, and swears we will find the right balance... which is my signal to retreat.

He doesn't seem to notice the retreat or maybe he's glad for it....

To Be...or not to be?

I have discovered something of myself. I am still afraid that it's not OK to feel this submissive feeling. I know... I know... in my head I know it's ok... but something inside keeps poisoning that thought.

Sometimes I worry that if TJ ever saw how submissive I'd like to be...how dirty I can be, how slutty I could be (for him) he would be completely freaked out and turned off by me. That he would think me a freak of nature and reject me entirely.

So I pull back, I fight this submissive side of me. Obey him?! HA! I am woman hear me roar! BLECH...

I just want to feel safe in my submission. I wanna feel that he doesn't think less of me because I submit to his will. I think that maybe he has the same worry...maybe he doesn't grab the bull by the horns because he's afraid he won't like me if he does. Maybe he doesn't understand that because I chose to be submissive to him doesn't mean that I can't continue to debate politics with him...

I just wanna be me.

Losing myself?

Things are slow as usual around here...and a horrible thing seems to be happening. I'm losing myself. I still want a DD relationship even a D/s one...but it seems that since I've had to really accept it may never really happen my submissive side has shut down. And I miss her!

I want it back, I want the craving, the vulnerability, the feeling of being taken care of, of taking care of him. I want it all back. The little butterflies in my stomach as I remove my clothing for bed...because he required me to sleep nude. The feeling of being held by him (yes, I'm stealing from a movie with that line...but it fits so well) while obeying a dictate or simply doing a task the way he wants it done instead of the way I'd want it done.

Yes, I could go back to all the rules he's made in the past and just start obeying them again and not care that he doesn't care....but I can't. To do that made me feel as though I was playing a game that no one else was playing with me. It didn't feel real in any sense, simply a role play. Do I need the threat of a punishment to make me behave properly...no, not really...but that I'm allowed to lose control and just left out there in limbo... I miss the accountability.

I dont' feel right like this... this vanilla woman who is back to pretending that the random slaps on the ass are unwanted, for fear that he will see how much I really crave him.

I find myself becoming a bitch again. Snappish and petty. He just gives threatening looks that only make me angry and I make another snappy comment...which usually results in "Well, someone's a crabby ass today..." and he laughs and gives me a big hug.

For a little while I thought I was "cured" of my little bdsm fetish. Maybe I didn't need it...maybe it was linked to a bruised self esteem that has been healed. But....vanilla sex bores me silly, and I end up fantasizing to get through it. When he says anything that sounds remotely like an order or a reprimand my spine tingles and my tummy flutters.

i am lost. i am completely lost......

Careful what you ask for.

I have no idea what's going on!

Is it good or bad??

Is it real or not?

Will it stay? Who knows but it's been going ok lately.

TJ has started to treat me a bit more like a submissive than before. He requires breakfast in the mornings, he has taken control of my orgasms (Which is not as fun as I had once thought it would be!), and just a few little things here and there.

I don't know if I'm liking it or not. I dont' mind making his breakfast every morning, and the sex is great. I'm not thrilled that he won't let me have my "alone time" every night like I used to...but I'm dealing with it.

I feel as though something is missing but I can't quite put my finger on it. We haven't really had any play time...maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for it to end again... I dunno.

Update

Not really much to update....

Lately, TJ has been showing more interest in the D/s world and I have been waiting for something...i don't know what really. I just sit and watch him. I don't want to have any expectations or hopes because I don't want them dashed or crushed if things don't go the way I want them. So...I'm trying the whole submission thing by actually submitting. I'm not being walked over or anything like that. I do express my opinions and such but I'm not demanding this from him as much as I used to.

I think I'm trying to let him find his comfort zone, letting him actually lead us. Some days that means we don't talk about BDSM or D/s at all and some days it does. I have made a request of him and he has granted it....if it happens I will post about it.

I love him...that is the same...I love him and am very lucky to have him. So if it takes him another 10 yrs to get comfortable...i'll wait. At the end of the day, he's the guy I want to lay in bed laughing with, he's the guy I want to snuggle on the couch with watching a stupid movie, or debate politics in the kitchen while making dinner for our children. And one day, hopefully he will be the guy who lets me lay at his feet....

Sometimes it goes badly...

TJ decided that I was to get a spanking last night for a transgression that I am not proud of. Nothing completely horrible, but still not my best moment. He wasn't really mad...well I guess he was...but he was "disappointed" in me (which is worse, by the way). I actually did everything I could think of to get out of the spanking because I knew that he really meant business and I really didn't want it to happen. Nothing worked, but he did smile a lot and say how adorable I look when I'm ashamed of myself. Apparently, I do a lot of blushing.

When it came time to "pay the piper" I did sincerely explain my fears to him. It's been a long time since he spanked for anything and I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to stand it. I was afraid that all my wiggling and squirming would only make him angrier. He assured me that I would do fine and that he would be patient.

He prepared the house by locking the door and starting the dishwasher "To drown out your screams" (he was chuckling when he said that-always the kidder!) He went into his room to search out his "Friend" and came out with a dowel rod. I shook my head and tried to walk away.

"I just said that I dont' think I can stand a regular spanking, and you bring out that thing?!" He walked over to me and hugged me.

"Have some faith in your husband," he whispered and led me over to the laundry room door. "Hands on the door," he directed me, and I did as he told me.

He starting out with his lecture and they why's and what's as usual, the entire time swishing that damn thing in air behind me. He reached over and yanked my pants down to my ankles and folded my shirt up so it was out of his way.

I stood there feeling that stupid wooden demon tapping against my bottom and my thighs as he talked and all I could think about was how much it was going to hurt. The immense sting it would create, the hopping around I would do, the aggravation I was going to cause. The longer this went on the more scared I got, the deeper my breathing became, and the faster the tears came and before I knew it, I was crying. He hadn't even given me a single stroke of the rod yet and I was crying. I'll be completely honest that the tears had nothing to do with remorse.

I was of course sorry for what I had done, but the tears were simply fear and more fear.

TJ quickly put his hand on my back and said "Oh, baby don't cry," which really opened te flood gates.

"I'm just so scared of that thing," I blubbered. "I won't be able to stand it, and you'll be mad," He turned me around and hugged me tightly.

"Please don't cry. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't want to hurt you---well, not like this anyway." and he hugged me while I tried to get control of myself again. When I was feeling a bit better he walked away to put the rod away and I started crying again.

"I fucked it all up!" I wiped my eyes. "This is the first time in like forever that you were going to spank me and I fucked it all up!" He laughed a little and hugged me again. He did give me a little bit of a lecture on what I did and then he told me to get up to bed.

When he climbed in bed, about an hour later, he told me he loved me. I apologized for making a muck of the whole thing and he held me tighter. He assured me there would be other times and that I didn't screw anything up.

I felt like a complete idiot! I'm not getting any punihsment for what I did because he felt bad for scaring me like that, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It was the first real offense I've committed...the one time that I think I really deserved a serious punishment and I'm getting off because I was scared.

Blech!!! Damned either way!

On the up side: the spanking was his idea.

Once and again

I'm not sure what happened.

I made my decision. I wasn't going put up with it anymore, I was going to do what needed to be done so that I could move forward. I was going to ask TJ for a separation. I was all set to do it, I was only waiting until after the new year. I knew exactly what I was going to say, knew what I wanted from him, and was ready to go.

The night came that I had planned to have the talk with him, the kids were in bed sleeping, the house was cleaned up from all the holiday crap and it was just the two of us. I opened my mouth to start the conversation and nothing. Not a peep came out. I shut my mouth and tried again, nothing. He was starting to look at me strangely.

"What?" he asked me when I made a third attempt. "You ok?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my forehead. I sighed. We watched a movie instead.

I don't' know why I didn't say what I was thinking, other than I didn't really want him to move out anymore.

The following night I told him all of this and he stared at me blankly.

"You didn't want to have the talk or you didn't want the separation?" he asked.

"I think I didn't want the separation any more."

"Well, as long as your sure. Are we separating?" he asked pointedly.

"I don't think so."

"I dont' understand. Nothings changed -" And the light bulb illuminated. "Oh." he said flatly.

"Exactly," I smiled.

Is everything fine and dandy? Nope, far from it. The problems are still there...he has still made little effort to resolve the issues...but he has made some. I can't say what happened, why I changed my mind, or why my heart warmed towards him again... but it did.

During the same conversation, TJ mentioned that I was to get a spanking for letting the gas tank empty that day (the light went on with all the kids in the car and he was worried we wouldn't get to a gas station in time) I said "We agreed not to do that anymore..remember?"

"Uh, no. You said we weren't doing it anymore. I said that after the holidays were over we'd be getting right back into it."

"After what I just said, you're gonna spank me?"

"Are we separating?"

"No."

"Then yes. I'm going to spank you."

And he did. It was weird. My head wasn't really into it. It hurt a lot since it's been a few months since my last spanking. It seemed a little silly. I didn't argue though, I went with it.

I have no idea what's going to happen next. It's like my life is a chapter book...did I choose the right path? We'll see.