The Return.

I have stayed away from my blog for too long. I would like to say it's because of how busy I was with school and work, but that's not entirely the truth. The truth of the matter is that I have been hiding. I thought if I just hid from my blog and others like it, there might still be hope of a return for me. I thought that if I just pushed all of this out of my head it would go away. The urge to belong to someone (really belong) would diminish. The dark fantasies would fade away into the shadows in which I hid myself.

I was also afraid. I was afraid to admit anywhere outside of my own head that things were bad. Fear of boring my readers with yet another downfall of the never ending roller coaster that seems to be my life. I felt that I was beginning to sound like a broken record "Things are bad...Things are good...things are bad...etc" or worse yet- I'd come off as wining.

Although I still fear doing those things and do wish I could flip a switch to make me different, I'm here.

Things are a horrible mess. I would like to say it's just because of the D/s but it's way messier than that. TJ has always had trouble with procrastination., He's the reason stores are open on Christmas eve. "The way to Christmas shop is in a panicked frenzy!" he loves to say as he dashes from store to store. This is how he deals with everything: oil changes, tire fill ups, calling the cell phone company about a bill, getting the driveway guy the blue prints for the job we paid him to do, etc.

Things that I should be able to depend on him to handle -he can't or won't. We've lost the deposit on the driveway (that is badly needed) because he wouldn't let the guy handle getting the permit from the village and insisted on doing it himself- which he never got around to doing. We've had to pay fines to the village because of the driveway not being done, not to mention all the monies gone to late fees and bounced checks because he doesn't seem to have time to balance his checkbook and won't allow me to do any of it. The more I try to depend on him, to stay out of his way, to let him lead, the more often I fall right on my face.

I could do it all myself...and have in the past, which leaves me feeling alone. The way I feel right now is that I'm lonely, and very much alone. i don't have anyone to help me with the day to day stuff, the living together stuff, the couple stuff and I don't have anyone to live a D/s relationship with but I'm not free to pursue anything that will result in finding someone to share those things with.

The inability to rely on him has resulted in a complete breakdown of trust in him. He promises to do something-then doesn't- over and over and over again...I don't trust him. I can't depend on him and it's left me feeling "platonic" towards him. Sex is even more rare than ever and it's mostly because I'm not even trying anymore..and when he tries I'm very far from being in the mood.

The idea of having sex or doing anything sexual with him in the "submissive" mind frame actually irritates me now. I can not have sex with him simply because he wants it like I used to. It used to turn me on having him wake me up for sex, now I'm just annoyed. The other night he was having his way with me (I was too tired to argue or say no) and I just kept thinking "Hurry up! Would you just finish!" ....it was horrible.

The thought of him spanking me is laughable at this point. I would no sooner allow him to do such a thing than I would some stranger on the street.

Everything I want, the rules, the structure, the security is not going to happen with him. He can not even take care of himself let alone me... there is absolutely no trust. The foundation of our relationship is completely broken. The D/s is dead and buried and the vanilla relationship sucks- at best. I don't want a vanilla relationship...I just don't. I have needs and wants and he can't fulfill them. Nor can I fulfill his vanilla wants and needs.

We are in a horrible place and the longer it goes on the further away I move from him. He knows it, and sees it and we've talked and talked and talked. I've made it damn clear on what needs to happen and he says "it will take time...give me time" but it has been months since we started these talks. We separated our checking accounts over a month ago, along with it the bills. He has not paid a single bill. Not one.

I'm not sure how much longer our marriage is going to last. He tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day, he calls me to tell me, he texts me... he doesn't get it. Love isn't the problem. Well, maybe in some way it is. I don't feel love like a vanilla woman does.

So there it is. I'm miserable, he's miserable. It's all screwed up so badly I don't see much hope that things will improve. I've tried everything I can try, I can not make him do what he wont' do. I can't make him grow up. But I can't allow him to drag me down much more. I deserve to be happy, to have the relationship I want, to have someone who is loving and supportive and reliable. He deserves those things, too.

Implement: Back scratcher
Position: Standing against the wall
Offense: Attitude, breaking the water rule, not laying out His clothes as instructed.

"Turn around and put your hands on the wall."
Subject turns and places her palms on the cool paneling. the lecture begins as the light taps of the back scratcher are spread around her bottom. Subject feels a slight tingle in the middle of her back, she tries to ignore it, to focus on his voice. The gin tingle gets stronger and stronger until it is no ignorable and becomes a full blown itch. Subject realizes that the very thing she wants is being used on her bottom and for a split second thinks of asking Him if she could borrow the weapon for just a moment. That split second thought results in a bubble in her chest that she tries to contain, as he is giving a rather lengthy speech and she is sure she should be listening. The bubble moves upward and will not be ignored...helpless, the subject begins to giggle.

"Are you laughing!?" The giggle turns into a burst of laughter and the subject turns away from the wall and tries to explain herself. He does not look amused. She tries again to explain that it is absolutely hilarious that she has a horrible itch and he is using the scratcher to spank her with instead of scratch her with.

"Turn around" he instructs with only a slight hint of a smile on his firm lips. She turns around and waits for the next blow..."where does it itch?" he asks and she points out the spot as best as one can point out a spot on the middle of one's own back. She sighs with relief as she feels the scratcher putting out the annoying itch. She thanks him.

He continues the spanking......

In need of a cold shower

I recently commented on a post by Poppy that I don't think I liked gg spankings.. actaully...let me find my response...one sec while I dig...ok, got it... here it is

"I used to crave good girl spankings, at times I still think I would like one. However, whenever TJ has obliged me.... I never came out of it all warm and fuzzy, I usually came out sulking and a bit bitter. Perhaps because I wasn't looking for a spanking but more of a fondling of sorts. Hmm...now I have to re-think this whole thing."

And I still stand by this response, but it's been so damn long since I've gotten a spanking I'm wondering if maybe I should give it another go. I surely don't want a punishment, although I feel loved and cared for afterwards, there's always the dark cloud hanging over the whole thing. I don't even want the pain of a spanking...

I think what I am craving today, and have have been for several days, is a reminder of who and what we are to each other. The intimacy of it, the feel of his knees beneath my belly as I lay over his lap on the couch and he begins to gently rub his hand over my bottom. The soft caress he may give me, the tracing of my bum with his fingertips, and the warm slaps of the flat of his hand against the bare skin of my backside. The warmth that spreads evenly and eventually turns into a heat that is near to unbearable, but not entirely so.

The small breaks he takes to remind me that he's in charge and that I am his wife and will obey his will and law. The loving strokes he gives while he explains that when I am naughty, he will correct my behavior and that he will not tolerate any attitude from me. He reminds me of the rules and maybe even adds one or two, something new he wants to add to our marriage to this dynamic of ours.

When it's over my skin is red and glowing and he can barely stand the wait until we get up the stairs to our bedroom and he can feel the heat of my bottom against him as he...... yes...it's been far too long!

Keeping him on his toes

Last evening was a normal evening. Dinner was eaten, kitchen cleaned, kids to bed on time and a few sitcoms were watched. (Ok, the sitcoms were not part of our normal evening, but the laughs were a welcomed change)

TJ went to play on his computer and I was sitting on the computer putzing around on mine. After a while I realized nothing fun was going to happen with us and moved on to studying for my class...actually, I was taking a practice quiz and failed miserably, so I'll be doing more studying.

TJ came into the kitchen to fix himself a snack.

"What's wrong?" he asked me with an exasperated tone as he turned the microwave on and I watched.

"Nothing. What do you mean?" I questioned, genuinely suprised by his question and his tone.

"You are moping, like your mad that I didn't plan anything for you tonight." he accused and I was even more confused.

"No, I'm not moping. I was doing my math quiz," I explained. "I mean, sure I was disappointed, you had said we'd be doing something but you aren't feeling good, I know that. I'm not mad."

He looked at me then said nothing. He was thinking and I kept silent.

"It's like you get upset because I'm not entertaining you,"

"What? Did I do or say something that I don't remember?" I asked, thoroughly baffled at this point.

"No," he admitted.

"I'm confused. I mean, yeah I'm a little disappointed that we haven't done anything lately. I mean we had that talk and nothing has happened, aside from sex, since. I haven't had a spanking in nearly 3 months. But I'm not mad, I haven't complained. I was disappointed...but not in you. Kinda like if we planned a movie night but had to cancel...I was looking forward to it but I'm not mad that it didn't happen. I'm trying to just let things happen when they happen...like you said to."

Another look, an odd one I haven't seen before.

"I haven't said anything because making you do something isn't going to work for us. You would probably say no and then I'd be hurt or angry, and it would be like I was still controlling all of this. I figured when you were ready you would do something." I added and he crossed his arms over his chest leaning back against the counter.

"Right." he nodded.

"So, what did I do wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing." he shrugged. "I'm just not used to it. You are doing exactly what I told you to do and I'm not used to it." he answered.

"So, you are concerned because I'm not ranting and raving at you about not doing what I want you to do?"

"Yes!"and we both laughed. He hugged me and shook his head. "I am confused. I had you all figured out and then you go and change on me. Now I have to figure out what to do,"

"You want me not to go with the flow?"

"No, I want you to keep this up. I just didn't expect it," And he kissed me and sent me off to bed as confused as he was before the conversation.


I don't really know what made me settle in more easily to waiting for him to find his groove, but I'm glad that it's working. I'm more relaxed and now that I'm not pushing I think he'll start stepping up a bit more...speaking of which I'm to report to his office in 20 minutes and I haven't begun to get ready for the morning sprint of getting three kids into the minivan by 7:15.

Comfort Zone

Nothing has happened. There has been no more talk of what is expected nor has there been a spanking, or even a verbal warning towards my behavior. Yes, it's only been a few day; however, I already feel a change in the house. A new tone has been set. I have been more calm and relaxed. I feel happy and loved as if he's with me at all times. I've told him this just this morning. He smiled and said "That's good," and when I was ranting about the pots not being put away properly (a battle we've fought since day one of moving into this house) he just laughed and commented on how cute I looked ranting in my scrub bottoms and my bra. That took all the fight out of me, not that there was much at all anyway. I feel as though I'm being hugged even when he's not here to hug me, it's a wonderful feeling this comfort zone.

Let it be said...

TJ and I spoke last night. We talked for a long time and we straightened out a lot of things between us. He asked if I wished to speak first, and I did. I rattled off my list of "expectations" and once I was done, and my face was blushing fiercely, he nodded. He asked for a few clarifications then nodded again "That sounds good," he smiled at me over his left shoulder, as he was getting a proper back scratch from me while we talked.

Then it was his turn. He stood up, put his shirt back on, and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't sit next to me while he talked about his expectations of me, instead he stood against the wall while I stared up at him from my spot on the couch. Some of the things he said were not surprising to me at all. He mentioned that since my surgery I have gotten quite used to him doing the majority of the house work and now that I was feeling better I needed to step up. No more checking emails after dinner while he cleans up the kitchen. "We both work full time so we both have to pitch in to keep this place clean," he said.

There were some things that I was a little surprised about. Time Management. He doesn't like the way I'm handling my school work. The time on the weekends is really the issue, from what I understood. So now on Saturdays and Sundays I'm to give him a schedule for that particular day and he will adjust it to meet any needs he has for the day. I thrive on schedules, the day goes so much smoother when I know what is next and where I'm supposed to be.

One change that he is implementing is that he will only tell me something one time. If he makes a new rule and I break it the next day, there will be a punishment. If my attitude is starting to get out of hand, he will give me one warning and only one. If I continue then there will be a punishment. Speaking of punishments, "When I say it's game time...it's game time. No arguing, no trying to weasel your way out of anything,"

I asked him to understand that we haven't done any spanking in a while and that spanking hurts, so to expect me to stand perfectly still is a bit of an impossible expectation. He thought about it for a second and replied "For now. That's on me, I'll have to train you properly in that area," My jaw dropped and I just stared at him, which must have pleased him because he smiled at me with a bit more enthusiasm I would like to see when talking about spanking my bottom (in a non playing way).

The talk was wonderful as well as the festivities that occurred later, however, there was no spanking. I was sure there would be one...mostly because he had said a few days ago that there would be one. I don't know if he forgot about that part or if he just wanted to get to the really fun stuff instead. I didn't bother to ask him, I wasn't upset about not getting a spanking....I think I really wasn't looking forward to it because my bum is completely virginized again and I can only imagine the mess the first spanking is going to be.

So...things are reverting back to the norm...or at least as normal as things can get around here.

Strap Wrench

EVIL! That is what that damn thing is, absolutely evil. Disguised as a harmless tool for the handyman, it is a horrible beast of an implement for the handyhusband!

I had heard of these things being used for spanking and I ignored it. I knew TJ had a few of them in the garage, I had bought them for christmas one year, to be used as actual tools- I never dreamed of having that rubber strap across my bare bottom. When I had heard of people actually using it for spanking purposes I filed the knowledge in the "Never tell TJ" folder.

TJ cleaned out the garage last week and found the little buggars. He was sitting in his computer room one evening holding one when I walked into the room. He had an evil look in his eye just as I saw a light bulb turn on over his head.

"What?" I asked him cautiously, eyeing the toy in his hand.

"I was just thinking something," he smiled a devils grin and lightly tapped the strap against his open palm.

"No...no...don't tell me,"

"What? That this is going to be great to spank you with?" the man actually laughed at his own wit. I rolled my eyes and left the room, a little panicked I will admit.

Then last night it happened. The stress of the holiday shopping, working full time again, cleaning for cookie making today, and the regular stress of having three toddlers caught up to me and when he asked me to do a simple thing for him I snapped. Right before bed he told me to turn all the lights off in the living room and wait for him.

I was waiting for him next to the couch and when he walked in with nohting in hand I thought "Thank god, a hand spanking!"

It was not to be. He pulled that strap wrench out of his back pocket and plopped down in the middle of the couch. He explained that my attitude was unacceptable and told me to lay across his lap. I nearly cried just at the sight of the damnable thing. He pulled my sweat pants down around my thighs and began to spank with his hand.

His hand is nearly as sharp as some implements he uses but I knew it was only the warm up so I tried to bear down and get through it. When the first blow of that strap landed I nearly catapulted myself through the wall that the couch is pushed against and into the neighbors house.

I last about 5 strokes and was begging for him to use something else, which he would not.

"Not so much of an attitude now, huh?" he said as he continued. I wiggled and he held on tighter to me. I was trying really hard not to scream, for fear of waking the children upstairs. Finally, after about 15 (maybe) strokes of the stinging beast I wiggled my way off his lap and sat on the floor trying to catch my breath.

"What are you doing?" he demanded to know. I didn't answer him. I couldn't. He asked two more times before he sighed heavily and sent me to bed. When he finally came up to say goodnight I asked him if I could finish it. "No, we are done for tonight,"

This morning when we talked briefly he said that there will not be a re-do but he is definitely doing "something" tonight. What does that mean?

Maybe if I had been able to scream out I could have handled it better? Or if I was in a better frame of mind? I don't know...but we will see what happens tonight....

The waiting

I hate the waiting. I know it's coming, know damn well it is more than deserved, and I hate the dark feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The "I'm not happy about that..we will talk tonight about it," text message following a confessional text only made my heart drop into my stomach.

Shame washed over me when I realized how much what I had done could damage us in any way. Trust was breached. Ugh! A horrible feeling just knowing what I did, then to feel his disappointment! Double UGH! I think the fact that I upset him in such a way is more painful then what is to come this evening.

An assignment was given 1,000 word essay due this weekend. I thought I'd be getting off really easily but then it was told that the assignment was just the beginning and I'd have to wait until he was finished with some work to get the rest. When I had asked "Is the essay it?" (cos I was going to get ready for bed and I didn't want to seem like I was avoiding) he chuckled and said "Oh, no!"

I hate that I'm sitting here waiting to have my bottom spanked and that it's all my fault and I deserve it and I hate that I hurt him. It's a dark night for me, but it will all be over soon. The forgiveness will wash over me and the love will shine through....

To Tell or Not to Tell...that is a question!

I sometimes debate with myself whether or not to tell on myself if I've done something that warrants TJ's attention. It's usually something that he would not find out about if I kept it to myself, so I could easily let it slip by and it would go un-noticed.

However, to keep it to myself and not inform him would seem like I was making the decision that I did not warrant a punishment. On the other hand, if it's something I think is 'punishable' and I tell him and he does not think the same way, will I handle it correctly? Will I accept his decision or will I get grumpy because I think he's being too lenient? If I say nothing I take the decision away from him, if I tell him I run the risk of not accepting his decision....

These are the thoughts that were raging through me the other day. While we were away on our vacation a letter came in the mail from the library. It was an over due notice for a movie I had checked out prior to our vacation. I had completely forgotten that I had even rented it! (we hadn't even watched it yet). I looked at the fine and sucked in my breath. TJ hates when I forget to return things to the library, at one point he didn't even want me going to the library because I was always returning things late. (Luckily, the library is online now so I can renew before being late....I try to explain that it's in my blood...my mother is exactly the same way with the library...lol) I put the letter down and didn't say anything about it.

I kept thinking the same thoughts as in the beginning of my post until I decided. "No, tell him and if he decides to do nothing then you accept it!" So I wrote "Oops" on the notice and slid it under the door to the room that he was in and walked away. A few minutes later he came out and said: "So, do I have take your library card away from you?"
"No," was all I answered him.
"We will talk about this tonite," he assured me, I balked a little (just a habit I think)
"But I didn't even have to tell you about it," I pointed out.
"That's right, but I had already seen the notice on the table..I was just waiting to see if you would step up and tell me. You did, and that's great, but you still are getting a wuppin"
....I sighed and the conversation ended. I don't think I was trying to get out of the spanking, I was trying to lessen it I think. You see, he was fondling his belt during the conversation.

That night time talk happened, and I did my best to stay still for him. He did not use his belt, but instead used the evil scraper. He said he was tempted to ban me from the library but since I use it to take the kids to storytime and to get books for the children he wasn't going to. Instead, I am not allowed to check out any movies until he says its ok. He assured me it wasn't the fine that was the issue, but that I keep breaking the rule about returning the items on time. We watched the movie last night so I'll be returning it to the library this afternoon!

This past week

I did something really stupid this past week and of course I got caught. It's all a very long story and not that exciting so I'll skip to the end of it.

TJ was really really mad at me for what I had done and couldn't spank at the moment because he was that mad. So I had to stand in the corner while he calmed down. (HATE THE CORNER btw) By the time he got back over to me with the paddle in his hand I explained to him why what I had done was wrong and that I was sorry. He let it go. Yup. He said basically..I'm summarizing here.. "lesson learned".

Uhhhhhh....has he met me??? Hi, I'm Measha SPANKO. So it ate at me and ate at me that he just let it go. I withdrew from him, because a real snot towards him, (he did spank once for direct disobedience when I didn't go to bed) but really it was a messy week. We talked it all through the other night though...so it's all ok, now.

Why do I bring this up...well...cos I have thoughts.

1. I realized this week that I still control things around here a bit more then I'd like. For example I did what I did without permission becuase I knew if I asked he would have said no. Now...does that sound like a submissive woman? NO. That sounds like a "well...he'll say yes so I'll ask him...but if he's going to say no, I won't" woman...not good for a DD relationship.

2. I really do need a spanking even after everything is forgiven and worked through. The spanking isn't what really "Teaches" anything, that's all done by communication and intelligence..but it clears the air.

3. TJ still, after all this time, didn't understand what I wanted out of a HOH or what my thought were on his "job description". And I didn't see his point of view either. He feels like he'll have me do things I don't want to just becuase I want to please him.. I had to remind him that a) I'm not stupid and b)I'm no doormat...I can still say no, and explain why .

It was a somewhat enlightening week.....who knows what next week will bring.

He said no...and I loved it!

When I'm not chasing toddlers, wipping baby butts, and writing sexy stories I work for an ophthalmologist. We have opened up an optical shop at work and I get to purchase glasses at cost.

I only use my glasses for computer work and reading so I'm very abusive towards them. I toss them on the desk when I walk away and there are times I find them at the bottom of my purse, having fallen out of their case. Needless to say I've owned this pair for 3 months and they have a few scratches in them. I would like a new pair (a spare) and I picked out 2 pairs of frames I liked and asked the optician to put them aside for me. (So I could ask TJ..which I did via Text)

Yesterday, he must have remembered that I had asked him and I received this text:
"Oh, No glasses. Not until blah blah blah is paid off..." Was I disappointed? Yep, you bet. But I was thrilled to my toes! I think this is may have been the first time in a while he has told me no. Usually, he would say sure...and he would go without something in order to pay for it. But he didn't this time. The things he wants to pay for first are totally more important then a spare pair of glasses for me, and I hadn't even thought of those things. I was elated!

I told the optician to just keep the sku number but that she could put the frames back on the board for now. She asked if TJ had said no (she knew I was going to run it past him first). I said "Yeah, he said no for now" and she was going to leave it at that. A few other co-workers heard our conversation and a few comments were made about me being a "Nice little obedient wifey" and none were meant as a compliment.

The optician (newly married herself) asked "So who should I follow...you who ask or her who just buys without asking" I just looked at the other ladies (most of whom hide purchases from their husbands and sneak them into their closets late at night) and answered for myself. "It depends. If you buying without asking upsets him then ask. If he doesnt' care what you do with the money then don't. It depends on your relationship with him. It bothers TJ when I buy stuff (other than food) without asking first, so I ask," A few more little comments were thrown around but I just brushed them off. Afterall, TJ and are happy and it works for us.

Also, I'm not hiding it anymore..he's the boss...society can just get used to it!

A struggle

The last spanking I got really opened my eyes a bit more to what DD really is. It's not all about spanking. Yes, in my head I've always told myself that but in the back of my mind I would think differently. There's so much more to it.

I have to actually submit to his authority. I have to actually believe in my mind and heart that TJ is the head of our household. That his word is law. Otherwise, what's the point of all of this? Not only do I have to believe it and trust in it, I have to act on it. When he says something, I have to obey it.

Yesterday, we headed out of town for the day with all three kids in tow for a family gathering. The drive was about 1 1/2 hrs each way. On the way home our oldest was cranky (which is really an understatement) and we could not get her to stop yelling and crying about a piece of candy which she dropped in the back of the van. Finally, TJ turned to me and said "Do not talk to her anymore until she calms down," and he was going to do the same. It was so hard for me, my baby girl was back there crying "Mommy" and I had to ignore her. I did it, though.

As I was sitting in the passendger seat listening to her crying and babbling about the candy I was thinking "Does he even realize that I'm doing what he told me to?" Does he see it that way, that I'm being obedient in this moment? And then it hit me. I'm obedient maybe 25 % of the time.

If that's true (and I think it is) when I am obedient does he just think "Eh...it won't last" ?

Is all of this just for show so I get spankings? .... I'm struggling today.

Lesson Learned

Yesterday I did something I normally don't do. I blantantly disobeyed TJ. It was completely premeditated disobedience.

It doesn't really matter what the situation was but I'll give a brief background to it. The girls asked if they could get a nail polish (since I was going to be getting one for myself) and TJ said NO. He was adamant about it and I just rolled my eyes at him. The girls just want to play dress up, no big deal, but to him it is/was and he said no. Well....I bought it anyway.

He was none too pleased, I will tell you that. Luckily for me I had a night out planned that gave him plenty of time to cool off. Which he did...but he did not forget.

Before I went to bed last night he told me to "pick something out for tonight...and I highly recommend nothing feather-like," I just stared at him and pretended confusion. "For your punishment..go."

I picked out the wooden paddle and a hair brush (for the warm up...) anyway... I sat in the living room waiting for him as instructed and he told me we were going to do something different.

I was in control of the spanking. I was to tell him what to use, how hard to use it and how long to use it. The only thing he was going to tell me was to bend over. (This was after the lecture on being obedient..and how I directly disobeyed him...)

I bent over the arm of the couch and he used the hairbrush and started out real soft and didn't go harder until I told him to. This continued through the entire spanking. He did "suggest" that perhaps I deserved more, at times. "Just the brush, you don't think you deserve that paddle?" and then we switched the paddle and same thing..soft and only increased when I asked him. At one point I needed to take a break for a second and he wouldn't start again until I asked him to.

He didn't let me go easy either, when he thought he'd spent enough time on one intensity he would ask "This is what you think you deserve for disobeying me?" and I knew that he didn't think so.. so I'd up the intensity. By the end of it my bottom stung plenty. (I could have gone much longer but I think he was getting tired...and the point had been made already no need for overkill)

The spanking was hard...just as hard as any other spanking but because I was in control of it I was able to take it with more grace then ever...isn't that odd? Usually that paddle has me jumping all over.. I did explain to him that I was trying to go soft - hard because if you jump to hard I can't stay still for anything in the world...so he did get that..but I don't know, it was odd. I could have literally taken a spanking 2 x as long at that strength but I won't be telling him that. (he'll really think I'm nuts) And it's not about the severity of the spanking I guess...more if the point has been made.

Not feeling real.

DD is such a rollercoaster at times! There are weeks where spankings are happening left and right, and if there not there is definately that "DD feeling" in the air. "DD feeling" to me is when I feel his dominance, I can feel that he is in charge and I have no doubt about that.

Then there are weeks where it all goes on the back burner because of the kids, work, illness, or just life in general, and that DD feeling starts to fade. That is what has been happening a little too often around here for me.

Last night I asked TJ for a spanking. I was in the mood, hadn't had one in a little while, and I think I was searching for that DD feeling. He was more then willing. It wasn't too hard, actually really soft. However, when it did start to have a bit more sting to it I rolled away and sat up (we were on the floor) He told me to "get back" and I said "No, there's no goal to it, what's the point," he just looked at me.
"Get back.......................because I told you to," and his voice wasn't harsh, it was stern but not harsh at all...actually it was almost caressing. I got back into position and when I said "Why bother," he replied with "Because I want to...and I think you need it," and on he went.

It didn't last very long after that and it didn't hurt at all. He asked me if I felt better and I shook my head. I tried to explain that it doesn't feel real anymore and he went on to explain that I've been working a lot and now that things are starting to get back to normal the "real" feeling will return.

I'm taking him at his word, and assuming he's right. Hoping he's right.....he's right....right?

Thanks to the kids

I was in a bad mood today. I was upset with TJ for a few different reasons, none of which were really all that important, and I was tired from running around with the kids. Put those things together and it equals me in a very bad mood with a very bad attitude.

After yet another slam of yet another drawer in the kitchen TJ said to me from the living room. "Stop slamming stuff, already!" to which I replied "OH, shuuut up!" (for the third or fourth time for the day) I don't believe I have ever seen that man jump up from the floor so fast before.

He darted into the kitchen stood right next to me, so I wouldn't escape I think, and said to the kids "Girls, go upstairs NOW!" ...of course they wanted to know why they had to stop watching thier cartoon and be banished to their rooms. He just glared at me and said "Come with me," and 'escorted' me to his room and told the girls to stay out and shut the door behind him.

I stood against the wall and tried to tell him that the girls were going to hear it if he did anything, but he already knew that. He said to me in his angry voice. "Don't you ever tell me to shut up! I'm sick of your attitude today! The only reason you're not getting it right now is because the girls are behind that door! But tonight your getting it!" and with that he opened the door and my two little girls ran away giggling.

Luckily, they are young and don't understand what he was talking about but they knew enough to know Mommy had gotten in trouble. That doesn't really bother me since at some point they will most likely find out about our marriage. But, I am thankful that they didn't go up stairs becuase he was really mad and that spanking would have been bad.

As for tonight...well....he's upstairs soaking in the tub. I suggested that I hit the sack (a little test of the memory waters) and he said if I was tired, sure go ahead. So....I think enough time has passed that he has forgotten it all. I am somewhat relieved about that.. becuase really I don't think I have the energy for a punishment tonight.

So, thanks kids..for not listening...as usual! LOL

Maintenance Monday!

Ok, I know it's Wednesday....

As promised TJ delivered a "Maintenance" spanking on Monday. I think we are sticking with Monday's from now on. We were supposed to pick an implement out of a hat, but I didn't put them in a hat, so he chose. I reminded him we were supposed to pick and he said "Well, they aren't written out so I'm just going to choose this week," So apparently, it's my job to get them into a hat.

He picked this wooden spatula thing that I had bought months ago for a "fun" night. Lately, he's been making me drape myself over the end of the couch, he hasn't let me over his lap in a while, not really sure why and I haven't questioned him, yet.

That thing stings like crazy and he got a few good wallops in there. I actually jumped up and hopped away clutching my butt. He just stood there and said "Get back here," and was starting to get a little annoyed because I kept hopping around. I tried to explain that that thing stung like hell, but he didn't seem to care. lol

Finally, when I was close to sobbing from it he said "Ok..ok..we're done, come here," and he hugged me. When was putting me to bed I looked at my red bottom and pointed out a spot where I was sure I was going to have a bruise (I didn't) and he just rolled his eyes at me. "It wasn't even that bad," and I looked at him like he was nuts.

So it went fine, and next week I'll go through it again. I did have a realization though. After getting that spanking I thought to myself... "I'd rather have that then a punishment any day of the week," So I think that's some progess...

Double Standards

A discussion on a msg board that I frequent brought this to my mind. Double standards within a DD relationship. My brain says "Well...duh" DD in itself is a double standard. When I act out or do something damaging to myself or our relationship I get spanked. If TJ does something reckless or hurtful he does NOT get a spanking..what better example of a double standard?

We could do the exact same wrong thing and I will get my butt tanned and he won't. That's not to say that he CAN do wrong things all the time. He lives by the same rules he sets because he's an honorable loving husband. If he breaks one (which...really I don't think he really has...) then an apology is given and all is well with the world again (in a perfect world...sometimes there's a yelling match from me and then a spanking..but I'm digressing)

When I asked for DD I didn't ask to be equal. Let me explain this. I AM equally smart. I am equally capable of making rational logical decisions. I am completely equal in the humanity department and rights to love happiness security and all that. I am worth everything he is worth. BUTT, I do NOT have an equal say when it comes to finial decisions.

That IS DD. We discuss the issue (cos I'm just as smart and have a few things I can always add to a conversation) but HE has the final say. There is no vote and majority rule here in our house...or really any DD house I would think.

You can't have DD with an equal partner. 50/50 doesn't work with DD, in my humble opinion. If we have a disagreement about what to do about something and we are 50/50 then the disagreement continues until one of us caves. But we don't have 50/50 we have DD. With DD we can disagree...I give my opinion he gives his and if we can't agree or come to a compromise then his decision is it. (And it's not always his way that he goes..sometimes he'll even go over to my way.)

This goes all the time. You (and I mean me) can't chose when he's HOH and when he's not. How could I expect TJ to be HOH if there are conditions and stipulations?

"You're in charge,"
"Great, thanks. Now about that little tiff you had last night at the party you can't go around smacking people in the head...even if they did deserve it..."
"OH. I'm sorry.. you're in charge...but not of that....I'll decide when to put myself in danger and when not to, thank you very much."

That just doesn't seem right to me. So yes, DD is chalked full of double standards. So what?

Isn't it supposed to get easier?

Like I mentioned before TJ and I were going through a bit of

a dry spell...where spanking was related. The drought ended last night, however.

It wasn't too much of a spanking and I did have to resort to putting out a sign. I put the paddle on his computer chair with a note that read "Do you remember how to use this?" He saw it as a challenge...and he accepted the challenge. I didn't mean it as such but after we talked I can see how he could take it that way.

Later, as I laid in our bed thinking (for a only a few minutes cos really after a spanking I knock right out usually) that after all of these years why do I find submitting to him so hard? Lately, I've been feeling things like "who the hell is he to say yes or no" or "He should just do what I say" and a few times "He's not going to do it my way...I'll handle it before he does.."
As if I thought because he wasn't spanking I was off the hook for obeying?

This brought about something he said a little while ago when I tried pulling DD off the table because I was a snit about something. He said that I didn't respect him when he wasn't spanking me. Which made me think....can I respect him without DD..

Shouldn't I? I didn't before...why?

Here's what I came up with last night. I do respect a man who takes charge when taking charge is warranted. TJ never did that. He would let me walk all over him and would just ignore the signs that something was wrong with our marriage. So no, I did not respect him. The more dominant he allowed me to be in our marriage the less respect I had for him and showed him. But, does this mean he has to spank me in order for me to feel his dominance?

After getting all pissy for not getting spanked in 12 days..I'm doubting myself. Is this all about the spanking for me even though I've convinced myself it isn't? Can I be submissive without the fear of a punishement? Do I really want to be submissive to him or do I just want the spankings? Hmmm...

I'm now in a holding pattern of thoughts...

I spent a lot of time yesterday thinking over my original post and other topics related to it. I could not put my finger on what I really feel about DD...or why I have this need. I told myself a while ago that it didn't matter "why". That because it worked and made TJ and I happy it didn't matter "why". But after having the conversation that I had with the person who had brought all of this up... I had to revisit the "why".

I have no idea why. I mean I like to be spanked. Have thought about it since I could think. I used to watch Blue Hawaii every time it came on TV when I was a kid, then I taped it just so I could replay the spanking scene over and over again. If my parents thought it odd that I became an Elvis fan they didn't say but I'm sure they did. After all the King had been dead since before I was born!

So, I like spanking. Why not just keep it in the bedroom. After all, TJ and I dabble in D/s but only in the bedroom so why not DD too? I love the fact that TJ has the authority here in our home. I love the fact that he gets the final say. I absolutely do not believe there is such a thing as a 50/50 marriage. Someone has more say, even if they don't realize it. I love the feeling it gives me when he gets involved with my life in the way other men would just glance at.

Is it just that I love the extra attention? Sure but I don't think it's "extra" attention. I think in the beginning it was "extra" because before DD we were very much separated. He did his thing and I did mine. If he pissed me off I blew up and he'd retreat even further away from me and if I pissed him off he'd simply retreat again because who can fight with Super Bitch (that's what I was just take my word for it) So when we started out, then yes, it was extra.

But now, it's not extra attention that I crave. It's the kind of attention. If he's upset I want to know about it and I want to talk about it and I want to get my spanking and move on. If I'm upset I want to talk about it. The problem though...I don't talk when I'm upset..I yell, scream, call names... I'm MUCH better. But that's because DD has taught me to communicate better.

The spanking is not given in order for me to feel forgiveness. It was suggested that I don't believe TJ when he says he forgives my behavior and that's why I want the spanking. But that's not true. The forgiveness is there already. The argument is over. The spanking is simply how TJ and I reconnect. I think that after an argument or whatever both parties apologize and both forgive. But you still have some residual negative feeling about the ordeal, although you have forgiven each other. For us spanking is the way to get past the negative feelings and let the love back in full force.

Last night I didn't feel much like writing so I closed my computer as TJ walked into the kitchen. He asked what I was up to and said nothing and he closed the blinds. Dead give away. Then said since I wasn't busy we could "talk" and asked me to join him in the living room.

He first apologized that he had not spanked me in almost 4 days because I had earned a punishment spanking and he had forgotten to deal with it one night and then the next and the next. I assured him that I was just fine with it and not to worry. *WEG*

Then we started talking about all these things. He informed me that there was no way we were giving up DD just because someone who knew nothing about DD until I said the words didn't understand it. He said "So..because at some point we may not want or need this you are just going to scrap it now?"
Me: "Yeah..I mean would you waste time and money on a car you're about to junk? No."
Him: "This is not a waste of time. This is something that is a huge part of who you are,"
and then he asked me to lay over his lap. Which I did.

So, we actually had a wonderful conversation about why we like DD and what he thinks of it. He said that if spanking was the only way I could get past an argument or a wrong doing then it would be a problem but that if it was my preferred method, he saw no problems with it. Which I agree with. I'm sure that we could find a way to get past things without the spanking. And there are times when just a conversation is enough or all that I want (even if he disagrees at the time and still spanks) so spanking isn't the ONLY resolution..but it's the one I want and desire.

So as for the why? Because this is me. I have fantasized about spanking my entire life and now I have it. I get spanked and I get loved. Can there be love without the spanking..yup....but I wouldn't have as much fun I think!

He did end up spanking me. It was a wonderful spanking that I am going to say was totally not a punishment. We talked the whole time and even did a fair amount of laughing. By the end my bottom was a wonderful red and he was ready for...er...other pursuits.. LOL

Beki: All I can suggest is ask him what DD means for him and believe what he says.
This was excellent advice and I didn't even really have to ask him...he brought it to me last night which meant a lot to me.

Simply Sweet: " I have tried many times to stop this feeling I have. But I always go back to it. We are who we are. Its not a feeling that you can just push out of your life. Its a lot deeper than that."
I have tried to push it away as well. It won't budge! LOL This is something that is in my make up of who I am.. and I have to remember that and tell myself it's ok to be me..cos I'm not so bad!

AG: "The love your Husband shows for you goes beyond whether or not DD or spanking sprang from him or not, he knows that it serves your relationship."
So very true. I am very lucky to have him and I tell him so almost daily... which is really going to his head LOL


As always thanks for letting me vent to you all! DD is not the easiest of relationships. It requires a lot of communication and dedication to each other. And even when it's going well sometimes I still need to throw my thoughts and ramblings out there..so thank you very much!

Fealing Real

I told TJ the other night that sometimes this whole DD thing still doesn't feel real. That sometimes it still feels like we are "pretending" to be in a HOH relationship.

The reason I feel that way is because I don't really have to submit to anything, as of yet. I mean, yes, I have to carry my cell with me at all times and I have to keep the gas tank at least 1/4 full and there may be something small here or there. But over all there is nothing that I've had to really give over on. His reply was that there are some things coming our way that may fall into that category of "big" things. Although, he didn't get specific, he generalized that with the economy the way it is and things at work that he may be making some decisions for our family that I may not particularly agree with. I'm not overly worried about any of that, which I suppose is a good thing.

Usually I would freak out and demand details. But for now, I'm just letting him do what he needs to do and I'll wait until he lets me in on whatever it is he's thinking about until he's ready to.

I don't really know what needs to happen for this all to feel "real" to me. I mean it's real enough. The spankings are definately real. I'm REALLY getting spanking tonite. I know this but then there are occasions when I do something I think I should and he basically just shrugs.

For example. A friend is having a personal shopping party on a sunday in march. I'm working that Saturday. So for me to go to the party that means I will have not been home with our family for the whole weekend, and having left him to deal with the kids all weekend, alone. (Note: He's the worlds best father and never complains about being alone with the kids, but I know what a handful they can be...) So, I text him and ask if I can go. (Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?) Knowing that he's probably will say no, instead I get.
"I need to get a wife for the weekends" which his way of saying, go ahead but I don't like it.

When I talked to him later I said "You know you can just say no," and he went on about how with me working saturdays now and then I wouldn't be home all weekend and what about family time...so on and so forth. "But if you really want to go....go," he said (GRRR)
"But you don't want me to"
"Well, you wouldn't be home all weekend, again,"
"Ok. I'm going to ask again. Can I go to the party..and you're answer...."
"Ok, fine. No. You can't go."
"Ok," and my heart warms....

So perhaps that's another reason it's not feeling very real. I would think that at this point I wouldnt' have to script it for him. Then again this is his journey as much as mine and he's still coming into his comfy zone of what he does and doesn't do as HOH.....