And it made all the difference...

Last night went much better than the night before. I mentioned to TJ that perhaps I was having trouble with the spankings because he was so physically withdrawn from me.

After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.

It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.

I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.

I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.

I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.

So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.

Spanko Debt

Ever hear the phrase: "Your mouth is writing checks your butt can't cash,"?

Well, that phrase was invented for me, I'm sure of it. Even if it was first said decades before my birth, the person saying it must have known about me in some way.

TJ has made a new rule (He's been doing that a lot lately): I am no longer allowed to say the word: "Whatever" Which really sucks because it is the perfect word. It fits so nicely into so many different conversations:

What do you want for dinner? Whatever.
What would you like to drink? Whatever.
No, you can't have any more halloween candy. Fine, whatever.
You can't just go off on me like that cos your mad. Whatever.
10 minutes til bed. Whatever!

See..perfect word. (Although, when I explained that to TJ he tried to use it...and...it's really a girl word I think. Doesn't sound right when a man says it)

Along with this new rule there is a of course a consequence. "5 hard swats for each time the word is said," HUH!?!?

I did pretty good for about two days. Last night (which wasn't a great night all around) I muttered the word under my breath and he heard me...from another room (I think he was listening for it..cos it just fit so nicely into that conversation) "That's 5!" he called from his room.

"Whatever!" I called back.
"Five more!"
"Whatever!!!!" I yelled back.
"That's 15!"
"Whatever!!!!!!!" (this pattern continued until I was up to 35 swats)

Time came to pay the piper. The spanking (for the original crime) didn't go so well...we were both in bad places. He called off the spanking for the night.

"You still owe me 35 for the whatevers, you're not getting out of those," he explained. "You are in Spanko debt!" and he laughed quite hardily at his own jest.

Not funny... at least he's not charging interest! Blech!

And on the 6th day....

I have been having trouble in an area of our bedroom activities and TJ thought to help me with it. His help was simple denial for one week. That denial ends tonight and TJ has promised that all of my waiting will be well rewarded.

Problem: Last night he tucked me in bed at 10:15....I had a book in my hand and he gave me a lopsided grin and asked if I planned to read. I nodded yes and mustered up the most adorable pleading smile I could...it worked. "Fifteen minutes then lights out," he kissed me and headed out of the room. I turned out the lights at 11:59.. if you did the math right you will see I was 1.5 hrs late. I had to finish the book...and really he should know this about me.

When I was younger I'd stay up until dawn finishing a book and then get about 2 hrs sleep before getting up for school. My father, who worked nights, would come home around 3 am and check on me in my room (cos he saw my light on from the street) "Just a few more minutes then put it away," he'd say. I'd nod, say good night...and finish the book (Do you see the pattern? It's not my fault really)

This morning I woke up cranky as all get out. I ended up snapping at one of the kids and TJ asked me what was wrong. I was near to tears. I had disobeyed him and was sure he'd cancel tonight's activities. I decided to come clean and I told him that I had gone to bed only a few minutes before he had come to bed.

"We'll talk about it tonight," he said. I asked to be let off since I didn't mean to disobey..but I had to finish the book. "You disobeyed me, no, I can't let it go,"

I was worried he'd cancel the fun stuff and he assured me that as long as I didn't do anything else during the day there wouldn't be any cancellation. We'd deal with last night then move on to the fun things.

Next problem: How do you do that? I tried explaining that I can't switch from punishment to fun time that easily. That I was looking forward to a fun spanking and now it would be a bad one (which he agreed that it would be bad) I asked if I could just write him an essay and he laughed.

So there it is. I suggested we handle the punishment right when I get home from work (before we watch our Tuesday show) then we could have fun time afterwards. He said "You get home right before Sons starts," to which I replied "It wasn't that bad of an infraction...do it during a commercial" and was rewarded with another chuckle.

Here's hoping I get through the day without any more trouble!

...something odd

TJ has arrived home well and happy from his business trip. He was pleased to find all the children happy and safe and a home made "Welcome Home" Banner was hung ever so nicely in the living room (That myself and one of my daughters made...the 3 yr old could not be interrupted from her rock collecting to come color the letters lol)

He made a pit stop at my work on his way home to gather the keys to the van (so he could drive himself home, apparently the cab driver was driving him crazy and he could not bare to spend the last 20 minutes of the ride with him). I ran down from my office and gave him my keys and a long awaited kiss.

The evening was wonderful. We were a family once again. Saturday, too, was great: had t-ball practice the grandparents came over for lunch, it was really nice. Then TJ remembered that when he had used the van the day before he had to stop for gas because I had let it get low. So after the kids were in bed and he was sure I was done checking my emails he asked me to bring him a utensil from the kitchen.

I had hoped he was only kidding when he had mentioned earlier that we would "Talk" about the gas thing later on, but I was wrong. The thing about TJ (good or bad) is that no matter what the rule, there is no excuse for breaking it. He sees a broken rule as a sign of disrespect to him and to our relationship.

So I brought him a wooden spatula and after a short discussion the spanking was underway. For some reason my left butt cheek was particularly tender and I asked him to please stay away from there and he could see that I wasn't trying to get out of the spanking but that the area I was talking about was sore. Then a few strokes later I stood up and said "Wait...I need a second..I'm getting angry,"

"Do you think we should just stop cos your angry?"

"Well, I think that if we continue when I'm angry, I'll only get angrier and then this won't work I think it would be bad," I explained. He agreed but told me that I shouldn't just say stop, I should ask for him to stop and then ask to explain. (agreed)

We finished and he hugged me. He asked why I was getting mad, was it at him, was it at myself, what was going on. I have no answer for it. I dont' really know what was making me mad. It was very odd. I was bending over thinking "All you had to do was put gas in the damn car," and the next thing I knew I was angry. Not at him, not at me...at what? I have no idea.

It passed and the spanking went on and things are fine. He did take a minute to explain to me again that it's ok if I need to stop because of something like that because he agreed spanking me when Im in that mindset isn't going to get either of us anywhere. But that it is not my place to tell him to stop, I am to ask for him to give me a minute.

I still don't know what caused the short bout of anger but the fact that he was willing to let it pass before continuing (And that he did continue) showed me that he is as loving as I thought he was and that he can still be HOH and compassionate at the same time. Also, the fact that he picked up on the whole tell vs ask thing (which I did not until he mentioned it) tells me that perhaps he's not just pretending thes life for me...perhaps I have unlocked something in him that was there this entire time... time will tell..

...as for the tender tush on the left side. I had him look it over for me cos as I explained to him "It wasn't like 'ouch' pain like a harsh spanking gives... it's like the kind of pain that makes me want to punch who ever is inflicting it right in the face kind of pain..." He didn't see anything wrong but thought that maybe our bedroom activities from the nite before might have pulled a muscle or something.. perhaps it was that I hadn't had a spaking in a week? who knows...