Last night went much better than the night before. I mentioned to TJ that perhaps I was having trouble with the spankings because he was so physically withdrawn from me.
After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.
It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.
I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.
I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.
I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.
So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Making a payment...
If you've read my post about my new rule regarding whatever you know that I earned 35 swats for using that particular word. Well, that number is now at 100...I really have no good reason for it other than I was sure he would forget all about the rule (or maybe I hoped).
He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.
He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.
So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"
We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.
---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----
So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.
"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.
I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.
A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.
I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.
I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.
I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.
He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.
He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.
So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"
We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.
---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----
So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.
"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.
I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.
A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.
I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.
I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.
I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Anger Managment
Something I've noticed about submission, perhaps not in general but where it pertains to me: I have a horrible time doing it when I'm mad.
If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.
The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)
It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.
I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?
I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.
Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"
And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?
It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.
TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)
I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?
When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...
If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.
The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)
It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.
I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?
I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.
Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"
And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?
It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.
TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)
I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?
When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Spanko Debt
Ever hear the phrase: "Your mouth is writing checks your butt can't cash,"?
Well, that phrase was invented for me, I'm sure of it. Even if it was first said decades before my birth, the person saying it must have known about me in some way.
TJ has made a new rule (He's been doing that a lot lately): I am no longer allowed to say the word: "Whatever" Which really sucks because it is the perfect word. It fits so nicely into so many different conversations:
What do you want for dinner? Whatever.
What would you like to drink? Whatever.
No, you can't have any more halloween candy. Fine, whatever.
You can't just go off on me like that cos your mad. Whatever.
10 minutes til bed. Whatever!
See..perfect word. (Although, when I explained that to TJ he tried to use it...and...it's really a girl word I think. Doesn't sound right when a man says it)
Along with this new rule there is a of course a consequence. "5 hard swats for each time the word is said," HUH!?!?
I did pretty good for about two days. Last night (which wasn't a great night all around) I muttered the word under my breath and he heard me...from another room (I think he was listening for it..cos it just fit so nicely into that conversation) "That's 5!" he called from his room.
"Whatever!" I called back.
"Five more!"
"Whatever!!!!" I yelled back.
"That's 15!"
"Whatever!!!!!!!" (this pattern continued until I was up to 35 swats)
Time came to pay the piper. The spanking (for the original crime) didn't go so well...we were both in bad places. He called off the spanking for the night.
"You still owe me 35 for the whatevers, you're not getting out of those," he explained. "You are in Spanko debt!" and he laughed quite hardily at his own jest.
Not funny... at least he's not charging interest! Blech!
Monday, November 2, 2009
Under the weather but not under the radar!
I have been sick for almost a week. I feel a little better this evening, however, I think it will be short lived. Apparently, being sick is no excuse for having an attitude. I say it's a great excuse to be a little snippy but I don't get a say in this part of our relationship. Hence, my 10 o'clock bedtime has been changed to 9 o'clock (cos I was a smart ass last night about bedtimes in general) and at 8:45 I have a "meeting' with TJ cos of an "attitude" and giving him "Whatever's" in response to his questions.
In any case....I actually got around to posting a short story on EFF and even put up a blurb on my writing blog. So take a peak over there while I'm getting my bottom tanned...
In any case....I actually got around to posting a short story on EFF and even put up a blurb on my writing blog. So take a peak over there while I'm getting my bottom tanned...
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Cowardly Lion
I used to think that people who are into D/s, BDSM, S&M, DD or whichever label you want to put on it are more adventorous types of people. More outgoing. more willing to seek out the unknown and face it head on. Then there is me.
Take today. TJ is in a wedding today (Yes, on Halloween and no the couple did not bother to actually use the holiday in their theme...just a plain wedding that is taking me away from my kids on their trick or treat day!...but I digress). This wedding happens to be downtown so we decided to splurge and get a hotel room instead of trekking back to my parents house at midnight to get the kiddies and then trek another 45 minutes to get home. Hurray for us a night with no kids (Dont' worry I've brought the essentials...black leather paddle, purple flogger, etc...)
The bride of this wedding decided she wanted the wedding party to be at the hotel at 11:30...6 hrs before the ceremony... so that the photographer can take candids of everyone getting dressed. Fine, I got to check in early and I got to be in the hotel room while TJ was off taking pictures (after we properly got settled in the room WEG)
Here I am. I'm sitting downtown with my computer and have all afternoon to write.
...
......
............
I have nothing. Nada.....my characters in my story have decided they are going to take a holiday today as well. So...I figure...go out...get some lunch.
Problem. I'm not adventurous. I'm not a thrill seeker. I dont' want to go searching the unknown all by myself, at least. I'm in the middle of greek town surrounded by tons of wonderful restaurants and I ended up just grabbing a turkey sandwich in the hotel diner. Which really after paying my 18 dollars for a sandwich and soda...I realized...I could have sat by myself in another restaurant instead... But...I couldn't get my feet to move in the direction of the entrance door to any of the wonderful restaurants I passed on my walk.
This is a quality about myself that annoys me to no end. I have the hardest time meeting people because I don't really want to talk to strangers. Its a comfort zone thing..something perhaps TJ can help me with.. I don't really know.
But one thing I learned today. Just cos people like to be spanking, whipped, dominated or whatever does not mean they have the balls to eat in a restaurant all alone... or is it just me?
Anyhooo... HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone. I'm off to nap before getting dolled up and heading to the wedding.
As for the leather paddle and the flogger? I'm going to leave them on the bed so TJ can see them right when we walk in tonight...Wonder if it will be a trick or treat for me tonight!? WEG
Take today. TJ is in a wedding today (Yes, on Halloween and no the couple did not bother to actually use the holiday in their theme...just a plain wedding that is taking me away from my kids on their trick or treat day!...but I digress). This wedding happens to be downtown so we decided to splurge and get a hotel room instead of trekking back to my parents house at midnight to get the kiddies and then trek another 45 minutes to get home. Hurray for us a night with no kids (Dont' worry I've brought the essentials...black leather paddle, purple flogger, etc...)
The bride of this wedding decided she wanted the wedding party to be at the hotel at 11:30...6 hrs before the ceremony... so that the photographer can take candids of everyone getting dressed. Fine, I got to check in early and I got to be in the hotel room while TJ was off taking pictures (after we properly got settled in the room WEG)
Here I am. I'm sitting downtown with my computer and have all afternoon to write.
...
......
............
I have nothing. Nada.....my characters in my story have decided they are going to take a holiday today as well. So...I figure...go out...get some lunch.
Problem. I'm not adventurous. I'm not a thrill seeker. I dont' want to go searching the unknown all by myself, at least. I'm in the middle of greek town surrounded by tons of wonderful restaurants and I ended up just grabbing a turkey sandwich in the hotel diner. Which really after paying my 18 dollars for a sandwich and soda...I realized...I could have sat by myself in another restaurant instead... But...I couldn't get my feet to move in the direction of the entrance door to any of the wonderful restaurants I passed on my walk.
This is a quality about myself that annoys me to no end. I have the hardest time meeting people because I don't really want to talk to strangers. Its a comfort zone thing..something perhaps TJ can help me with.. I don't really know.
But one thing I learned today. Just cos people like to be spanking, whipped, dominated or whatever does not mean they have the balls to eat in a restaurant all alone... or is it just me?
Anyhooo... HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone. I'm off to nap before getting dolled up and heading to the wedding.
As for the leather paddle and the flogger? I'm going to leave them on the bed so TJ can see them right when we walk in tonight...Wonder if it will be a trick or treat for me tonight!? WEG
Monday, October 26, 2009
Believe it or not....
"Huh?"
"I saw the bowl," he stated.
"It doesn't count," she mumbled.
"Go get an ice-cube," he directed.
"Why?" she looked shocked.
"My hand hurts and you need to be punished," was all he said. "Go get an ice cube,"
She walked slowly to the kitchen and retrieved the cube from the freezer. Once back in his office she handed him the frozen cube and wondered what he was going to do with it. She thought about it tracing her nipples and she smiled inwardly...no that would be kinda fun!
"Lay down," he sat back in his chair.
"On my back?" she questioned and he nodded.
"Pull your pants and panties down," his next instruction came and she hesitated a moment before she followed his directions. "Open your legs,"
She stared at him as she slowly spread her legs, feeling the blush overtake her cheeks as he could see all of her. She loved and loathed being looked at in such a fashion.
The next thing she felt was the freezing drippings from the ice cube dripping on her vagina. She sucked in her breath as he lightly touched her clit with ice cube and looked away from him trying to hide the embarrassment.
He was slow in his movements, starting at the top of her lips and moving downward, pausing a short moment before beginning the assent. He rested the cube on her clit again, grinding it gently.
She covered her eyes with her hands and tried not to call out. At first the ice had caused nothing but slight discomfort but the longer he held it in place, the more he ran it up and down her pussy she could feel the burn of it.
"Does it hurt?" he asked her in a husky voice.
"A little," she lied-and he knew it.
"Do you know what else hurts?" he asked and she peeked through her fingers at him. "Disobeying me hurts," he stated and pressed the cube furhter into her folds. "What will you do next time?"
"Ask permission before having sweets!" she answered swiftly earning herself a chuckle.
"That was fast!" he ran the cube up and down her a few more times and then pulled it away. "Ok...pull your pants back up," and he stepped over her to throw the ice cube into the bathroom sink. She first covered herself to help warm her private area, then pulled on her panties and her pajama pants. "Let's take you up to bed," he smiled at her when he returned to the room.
He took her up the stairs to their room, tucked her into bed, kissed her good night and left her to her own thoughts and feelings....
FACT OR FANTASY? YOU DECIDE!
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