Saturday, October 31, 2009

Cowardly Lion

I used to think that people who are into D/s, BDSM, S&M, DD or whichever label you want to put on it are more adventorous types of people. More outgoing. more willing to seek out the unknown and face it head on. Then there is me.

Take today. TJ is in a wedding today (Yes, on Halloween and no the couple did not bother to actually use the holiday in their theme...just a plain wedding that is taking me away from my kids on their trick or treat day!...but I digress). This wedding happens to be downtown so we decided to splurge and get a hotel room instead of trekking back to my parents house at midnight to get the kiddies and then trek another 45 minutes to get home. Hurray for us a night with no kids (Dont' worry I've brought the leather paddle, purple flogger, etc...)

The bride of this wedding decided she wanted the wedding party to be at the hotel at 11:30...6 hrs before the ceremony... so that the photographer can take candids of everyone getting dressed. Fine, I got to check in early and I got to be in the hotel room while TJ was off taking pictures (after we properly got settled in the room WEG)

Here I am. I'm sitting downtown with my computer and have all afternoon to write.

I have nothing. characters in my story have decided they are going to take a holiday today as well. So...I figure...go out...get some lunch.

Problem. I'm not adventurous. I'm not a thrill seeker. I dont' want to go searching the unknown all by myself, at least. I'm in the middle of greek town surrounded by tons of wonderful restaurants and I ended up just grabbing a turkey sandwich in the hotel diner. Which really after paying my 18 dollars for a sandwich and soda...I realized...I could have sat by myself in another restaurant instead... But...I couldn't get my feet to move in the direction of the entrance door to any of the wonderful restaurants I passed on my walk.

This is a quality about myself that annoys me to no end. I have the hardest time meeting people because I don't really want to talk to strangers. Its a comfort zone thing..something perhaps TJ can help me with.. I don't really know.

But one thing I learned today. Just cos people like to be spanking, whipped, dominated or whatever does not mean they have the balls to eat in a restaurant all alone... or is it just me?

Anyhooo... HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone. I'm off to nap before getting dolled up and heading to the wedding.

As for the leather paddle and the flogger? I'm going to leave them on the bed so TJ can see them right when we walk in tonight...Wonder if it will be a trick or treat for me tonight!? WEG

Monday, October 26, 2009

Believe it or not....

question mark Pictures, Images and Photos
"About that ice cream you ate tonight.." his eyebrows raised slightly as she blushed in response.


"I saw the bowl," he stated.

"It doesn't count," she mumbled.

"Go get an ice-cube," he directed.

"Why?" she looked shocked.

"My hand hurts and you need to be punished," was all he said. "Go get an ice cube,"

She walked slowly to the kitchen and retrieved the cube from the freezer. Once back in his office she handed him the frozen cube and wondered what he was going to do with it. She thought about it tracing her nipples and she smiled that would be kinda fun!

"Lay down," he sat back in his chair.

"On my back?" she questioned and he nodded.

"Pull your pants and panties down," his next instruction came and she hesitated a moment before she followed his directions. "Open your legs,"

She stared at him as she slowly spread her legs, feeling the blush overtake her cheeks as he could see all of her. She loved and loathed being looked at in such a fashion.

The next thing she felt was the freezing drippings from the ice cube dripping on her vagina. She sucked in her breath as he lightly touched her clit with ice cube and looked away from him trying to hide the embarrassment.

He was slow in his movements, starting at the top of her lips and moving downward, pausing a short moment before beginning the assent. He rested the cube on her clit again, grinding it gently.

She covered her eyes with her hands and tried not to call out. At first the ice had caused nothing but slight discomfort but the longer he held it in place, the more he ran it up and down her pussy she could feel the burn of it.

"Does it hurt?" he asked her in a husky voice.

"A little," she lied-and he knew it.

"Do you know what else hurts?" he asked and she peeked through her fingers at him. "Disobeying me hurts," he stated and pressed the cube furhter into her folds. "What will you do next time?"

"Ask permission before having sweets!" she answered swiftly earning herself a chuckle.

"That was fast!" he ran the cube up and down her a few more times and then pulled it away. "Ok...pull your pants back up," and he stepped over her to throw the ice cube into the bathroom sink. She first covered herself to help warm her private area, then pulled on her panties and her pajama pants. "Let's take you up to bed," he smiled at her when he returned to the room.

He took her up the stairs to their room, tucked her into bed, kissed her good night and left her to her own thoughts and feelings....


Friday, October 23, 2009

A craving

I have been reading spanking stories today and it has left me with this enormous urge to be spanked. Not like a little spanking, playful and fun (well...ok a little fun) but a real honest to goodness...not able to sit for a few days, butt hot for an hour spanking!

What is a girl to do? TJ is a little under the weather and I'm not sure if he'll be up to it tonight...

In any event here's my thoughts:

Bent over a table, nude (why nude? I don't know..I actually hate being nude)
a long warm up with a wooden paddle and then a long strapping with his thick black belt. (Again...I hate the belt why crave it tonight?)
Oooh and the pink hair brush we have..that is a nice warm thuddy implement.
...and I wouldn't mind attempting the dowel rod again...after the long warm up..maybe 5 with it?

It's official...I think I've lost my mind.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A new day

Thank you everyone for your kind words, it really did help me yesterday.

TJ came home from work last night and we exchanged pleasantries. He opted out of having dinner with the family and sat in the living room instead. (He apparently wasn't feeling well) I finished feeding the kids and went into the living room to straighten up the toys that littered the floor.

I sat in the rocker for a few minutes and he asked me "Have you thought about what you want to do?" and I asked him what he meant..the kids were within ear shot and it's very much not like him to strike up a conversation like that around them. "About us." he clarified.

I briefly said that I wanted to know what he was thinking. He said it depended on what I wanted in terms of our DD/ D/s side of the marriage. I was very vague in my answer, since the kids were about to pounce on us any second. "Is it worth ending us?" he questioned and when I didn't answer him right away he said "Never mind, we'll talk later. I shouldn't have brought this up right now," and then I got ready to take our oldest out to story night at school.

I texted him to check the blog if he was interested in what my thoughts were. Yesterday was a very dark day for me. No matter what I did I just felt emotionally exhausted and torn up inside. I tried to drown myself in housework but figured "eh...who cares,"- it was just a horrible day.

After the kids were in bed we talked...and talked....and talked...and talked a bit more. He admitted to not understanding my submissive side all that much and when I said that I was forcing him to be someone he's not- he said "No, your not. I'm just feeling rushed...let it happen naturally,"

I can't say that today everything is hunkey dorey cos it's not, but it's better. I assured him I had no intention of leaving him and apologized a million times for ever saying that to him cos I would feel absolutely devastated if he had said it to me. In the days before DD throwing the "D" word around was not unusual but it has been a loooooooooooooooong time since I did that. Not something I plan to ever repeat.. and I could not feel more remorseful for it. I was hurt and angry and I wanted him to feel the same.

He spanked last night. Not as a punishment but as a "reset" (as I referred to it upon requesting it). Just to re-establish us as us. It was the best spanking I've had in a long time and it worked wonderfully.....that and the make-up sex helped too!

So, as usual it will work out. There's going to be some time for healing first, though I think. It's never pretty when both people go into their dark places during an argument. But, he loves me like crazy and I'm just as smitten with him.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

no title

I would like to say that last night was beyond my wildest fantasies/dreams or that the spanking was a just and fair punishment. I would love to say that all is well here in our home.

But I can't.....well, I could but that would be lying- which is a skill I have never mastered.

It's all gone wrong. Very very very wrong. There was an argument- a fight of disastrous proportions. The horrible "D" word was thrown out, judgments were passed, feelings were trampled on.

I have never felt so raw, so vulnerable, so rejected and so utterly alone than I do right this moment, and did last night. I find myself wishing I had never stumbled upon this world of spanking, control and submission. If I had never found my submissive side, would we both be happier?

Is there a way to take these submissive feelings, these needs I have, and shove them away? Hide them from even myself? Because if there's a way I think I would like to do just that.

Shouldn't a person feel loved even if their husband doesn't spank them or discipline them or give a rats ass what she's up to? Shouldn't hugs and kisses do the same as whips and paddles? Is there something wrong with a person who feels more in touch with their partner because he has given permission or denied permission to do something?

In Secretary there is a part of the movie where Lee is walking home through the park and she says "Because he gave his permission....because he insisted... I felt held by him..." (Not the exact words but close enough) That just sums it up nicely I think....and I can't get TJ to understand. I wont' place blame on him. He's done the best he scratch that...he's done the best he's willing to do.

I can't play the submissive and the Dominant parts at the same time. I can't give information when information isn't wanted. Life isn't a play...I can't stop the scene to give directions to the players.

It's all a very big mess and I feel utterly lost and foolish.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

And on the 6th day....

I have been having trouble in an area of our bedroom activities and TJ thought to help me with it. His help was simple denial for one week. That denial ends tonight and TJ has promised that all of my waiting will be well rewarded.

Problem: Last night he tucked me in bed at 10:15....I had a book in my hand and he gave me a lopsided grin and asked if I planned to read. I nodded yes and mustered up the most adorable pleading smile I worked. "Fifteen minutes then lights out," he kissed me and headed out of the room. I turned out the lights at 11:59.. if you did the math right you will see I was 1.5 hrs late. I had to finish the book...and really he should know this about me.

When I was younger I'd stay up until dawn finishing a book and then get about 2 hrs sleep before getting up for school. My father, who worked nights, would come home around 3 am and check on me in my room (cos he saw my light on from the street) "Just a few more minutes then put it away," he'd say. I'd nod, say good night...and finish the book (Do you see the pattern? It's not my fault really)

This morning I woke up cranky as all get out. I ended up snapping at one of the kids and TJ asked me what was wrong. I was near to tears. I had disobeyed him and was sure he'd cancel tonight's activities. I decided to come clean and I told him that I had gone to bed only a few minutes before he had come to bed.

"We'll talk about it tonight," he said. I asked to be let off since I didn't mean to disobey..but I had to finish the book. "You disobeyed me, no, I can't let it go,"

I was worried he'd cancel the fun stuff and he assured me that as long as I didn't do anything else during the day there wouldn't be any cancellation. We'd deal with last night then move on to the fun things.

Next problem: How do you do that? I tried explaining that I can't switch from punishment to fun time that easily. That I was looking forward to a fun spanking and now it would be a bad one (which he agreed that it would be bad) I asked if I could just write him an essay and he laughed.

So there it is. I suggested we handle the punishment right when I get home from work (before we watch our Tuesday show) then we could have fun time afterwards. He said "You get home right before Sons starts," to which I replied "It wasn't that bad of an it during a commercial" and was rewarded with another chuckle.

Here's hoping I get through the day without any more trouble!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Nothing to report

I am way behind in reading my blogs, writing any blog entries and barely got out my FFF entry.

I'm not even sure what to write about today... No spankings, nothing of real interest to report. Well, there has been one slight development but it would fall under the TMI category for the time being, so I'll keep it to myself for now.

Since there's nothing of interest to report as of now...why dont' you head over to my writing blog and check out my FFF entry. Or head over to Spanky's site and read through all the FFF entries!

Happy Friday I am praying for a spanking this weekend. I have asked for one and he said yes....the "when' is up to who knows!

Monday, October 12, 2009

It's monday!! UP UP UP!!!

This morning the alarm went off, waking me from a very comfortable slumber. I shut it off and tried to remember what day it was. Once I realized it was Monday I nudged TJ and woke him up.

"It's Monday. You have to get up," He growled and rolled over. I nudged him again. "You have to get up!" and he moaned again, opened his eyes to look at the clock, I figured my job was done and closed my eyes again. I did not go back to sleep; I can't go back to sleep until he's out of bed so I laid there only half dozing. I looked at the clock again and nudged him harder. "It's almost seven! Get up!" and he growled a bit more. I kept nudging him until he finally got out of bed. At this point he was going to be late for work.

I got up, showered, got the baby along with the girls, and finished dressing and making the bed. We all went downstairs. TJ said to me "You need to make sure I'm up. Wake me up nicely but make sure I'm up. I overslept."

I looked at him and balked. "No! You are a grown man! The alarm goes off, I wake you up so that the alarm doesn't wake the kids, but you are a grown man! Get up when I wake you! I'm not gonna keep myself awake to keep nudging you.. Fine! I'll just shove your ass out of bed, that should wake you up,"

He walked away saying that he would just get second alarm clock.

After he was done showering I went into our bedroom and apologized for talking to him that way. I was being cranky and shouldn't have snapped at him. He said it was fine, I had just gotten up and he wasn't mad.

"Don't you get up to shower anyway?" he asked.

"Well, I try to sleep as long as I can," I admitted. "But that never works cos you wont' get up, and I worry that you'll be late for work," I complained. "If you want me to get up at 6 then tell me to get up at 6," I said before my brain could stop my mouth. He looked at me thougthfully for a second.

"Yes, that's a good idea. You get up at 6 now. That way the morning won't be hectic for you, too. As long as the kids sleep that is. You can get up, get me up, shower and get the morning stuff done without so much hurry," Damn him for listening to me!

So now..not only to do I have an actual bedtime I also have a set time to get up in the morning. It's not that bad...he has it set so I'm getting 8 hrs of rest, and i know he's right about the bedtime. Left up to me, I stay up til midnight and then am a complete monster in the morning.

I'm happy with this... just adjusting to it, I suppose. I wonder how I shall wake him up tomorrow...he did stress "NICELY" several times...think he doesn't trust me? LOL It will be hard, he is harder to wake than the dead most of the time.

And..for all of you dirty minded folks out there...That way won't work! WEG

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Want To Vs. Have To

A few nights ago TJ and I were watching TV together late at night. TJ finally told me a few things he had been thinking about; a few changes he wanted to make.

1.) I am to learn how to mend clothes. - I hate mending, as far as I'm concerned if there's a hole, toss it.
2.) I am to be ready (teeth brushed and pj's on) for bed by 10 pm without complaint.
3.) he wants me to make his lunch for work every day.

#3 has been taken back and isn't really a rule now. Let me explain. When he told me about that I reminded him that we had tried that at one point and it didn't work out. I, also, pointed out that I'm already busy in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and the baby doesn't make it easy in the morning. He didn't really see those things as a good reason not to expect me to make his lunch. I can easily get the lunches (his and the 5 yr olds) ready the night before. As for what worked before or didn't work before...not relevant. This is now, he said.

We talked about it some more and I said. "I like making your lunch for you, and I do try to get it done," to which he agreed but said that he was wanting me to make it a priority. I then went on to explain. "I like doing it because it makes you happy, and I want to make you happy. But if you make it a 'have to', I'm afraid that it will just be one more thing on my to-do list and I'll become overwhelmed."

As it is I am the cooker, cleaner, close washer, homework helper (he does this too, just not as much), family accountant...along with my very part-time job and trying to get my writing off the ground, as well as getting my papers in order to go back to college. I'm afraid that taking on his personal things like that might make me feel resentful towards him.

I don't want to give the impression that he's a lazy bum and does nothing. That's not the case.

After our discussion about the additional rules, (I did mention to him I thought the bedtime sucked...which made him laugh but not change his mind) he decided to take away the lunch rule. He explained that it was something he'd like but that he understood what I meant.

He, also, said that he will never make a rule or dictate something that makes me feel 'less than'. That if a rule was making me feel bad (not "uncomfortable"...because "uncomfortable" could only mean I'm trying something new) or was making me feel unappreciated or unloved that he would revoke that rule without a problem. He doesn't want to 'hurt' least emotionally...some of the things he's wanting to do to me physically are definitely going to hurt. WEG

I love to do the things for him that make him happy and feel loved but when it becomes a rule, it sort of takes away from the joy of it. Maybe I should do it because he says I have to, maybe I should be feeling good because he's given me a dictate (and isn't that what I wanted?) but that's not the case. In the end he said to forget it as a rule and we would just see how it goes.

The kicker is: I try really hard to make his lunch normally anyway. However, as soon as he said it was a rule... I didn't want to anymore. The thought "I don't have enough things I have to do in the morning or to get ready for the next I have one more!?" popped in my head and I felt a slight surge of resentment/anger.

Does this make me less submissive or less then what I want to be? I dunno. I don't think it makes me less submissive to him of that I'm almost positive. Maybe a different kind of submissive then I had thought I was...

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Energy conservation!

Being stressed out takes an enormous amount of energy!

So, I'm unloading it all onto you,unsuspecting readers.

1. Too many parents have volunteered to help with the party I'm organizing for my 5 yr old's class.
2. One parent decided to "write in" what she wants to donate to the party on the donation sheet I sent home. Apparently my request for cupcakes (which too many ppl said yes to, as well) was not to her she wrote in another line for "halloween cookies" and checked it off.
3. I haven't written anything new all week and that is driving me nuts.
4. My mother has decided that instead of us taking her and my dad out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary, they will just be coming over to my house... so now I have to cook.
5. I haven't had a spanking IN WHAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER!!!!!!!

I think #5 is really the bugger of them all! The party stuff...I'll figure that out...I'll have to disappoint a few parents who want to attend, I'll have to tell cookie lady thanks but no thanks to the damn cookies (cupcakes are enough for any 5 yr old to stuff down their face after lunch..they'll be winning candy all afternoon from the games on top of it)

Then there is this thing..this un-named thing hanging over me. We've decided that the whole "Blech" thing was hormone related and now things are back on track...sort of. Yesterday, I mentioned to TJ (in my journal...cos I still have trouble verbalizing some of all this to him) that I think I needed a way to get into my "groove" after I get home from work. (which is only 1-2 times a week). I also mentioned the word "Rituals" of sorts...

As he tucked me in last night he told me that he had been thinking the same thing lately and had a few ideas. What are those ideas? Good question. As soon as I get the answer I just might pass it along... maybe not.....I find myself a little more gun-shy when it comes to talking about this area.

I'm not ashamed of's just totally new waters for me. This isn't just spanking anymore. The road has turned and I have absolutely no idea where it's going and my biggest fear is the unknown...if it's unknown, how can I control it?

See, stress takes up too much damn energy. I'm going to have a piece of homemade (by me, thank you very much!) apple pie and then I'm going to write something kinky for flash fiction friday, that you will find on my writing blog tomorrow.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

It's fate! part 2

Lately,I have been brushing up on my grammar. (Not that you will see the benefit of my work here ...I'm not in grammar mode right now lol)

Anyway...I was on a site, grammar-monster, that has lessons, tests, examples and such. Well, I turned to the section on colons today and what do I behold???

Need I say more?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

On empty...literally!

I don't know why I can't simply be content when I'm content!

I mean really! Things were moving along splendidly. We have been happy..well except for the whole Blech issue, which is slowly moving away. I've been following the rules without even much effort. We've had some fun and he's even given me a little treat this week because of how happy I've been making him and visa versa.

So what do I do? I muck it up!

I don't know why but I have such a horrid time keeping gas in the van at the level in which he requires it. I just kept saying to myself "Stop tomorrow. The girls are in the car and you have get out cos you're using cash...ugh..just go tomorrow" Well, tomorrow finally came...... today when the gas light went on...with TJ in the van with me.

The light popped on and I started to laugh, cos it was a little funny since I had just reminded myself to go to the gas station...tomorrow. "We need to stop for gas," I smiled at him and he looked over at the console and made a face. I can't even really describe the face...not angry, but not amused... more annoyed I suppose.

So I laughed all the way to gas station while he kept an eye on the gas gauge. "I can get all the way to work on that light! Stop worrying!" I said to him, which did not improve his glare. We were literally 1.5 miles from the gas station, we were going to be just fine.

I pulled into the station, aimed for the pump I wanted, and took my foot off the gas and coasted to the pump exclaiming "OH NO...I don't know if we are gonna make it!" (Insert laughter)

He pulled my hair! Yes...the man actually pulled on my ponytail. Not only that, he then said: "You are pumping!" Because it was raining. I just laughed more. I made a few more smart ass comments about gas pumping. (They were really funny comments, too. TJ even laughed at them)

I went in, paid for the gas and went back to pump it. He came out of the car and offered to finish cos he was going crazy with the kids in the van. (Who were having a 'who can scream the loudest' contest..yes all 3 of them...nice that the girls included the baby)

We had a short chat. Nothing serious, he mentioned that he was looking forward to coming home tonight. Something about it not mattering if I was asleep, he'd just wake me up. The last thing he said before I left him to finish was that he would "Grab the paddle you don't like and go to town on your ass!" which I'm sure the guy at the next pump heard. I just laughed and hopped in the car.

Yes, it was all the time. Before he left for his evening out he kissed me and looked into my eyes and said "I can't wait to get home!" and slapped my bottom, told me to be good and headed out. maybe I was pushing for a spanking cos I haven't had one in a while. I really dont' want a punishment, though. I know the gas thing is big to him, not to me at all, but to him it is.

Since it's a big issue for him...shouldn't it be a big issue for me? His wants and his rules should be a priority to me. Not just when I want them to be.

Like if he made a rule that I was totally in agreement with I could be on board 100%. I want to be on board with the rule even if I think it's stupid but it's a big thing to him.

I want him to be proud of me again, I want to hear how happy he is with me again. All kidding aside... I want to hear that "good girl" again. (Have I ever mentioned how weak in the knees I get when he says that?) I want to submit to even the dumb things, not just the things I think are important...isn't that the point of being submissive...or at least some part of it?

I think my funk is ending and I just finding a new groove or something. I dont' really know.... He's not going to be home for another 2 hrs or so. I have an urge to watch "Secretary" I shall.

...maybe he'll come home and have forgotten. Will that be a good thing or bad?

Thursday, October 1, 2009


That's how I've been feeling lately.

I struggle sometimes between what I want to say and what I should say. As if there is a line I've drawn somewhere about what I want talk about on this blog and where my relationship with TJ is and I feel as though I'm teetering on the that line.

As if something I say might shock someone to the point that they never return. Or that someone who has found my blog by looking into domestic discipline might be turned off because I'm 'too extreme' or something. Obviously, I do not tell ALL on here mostly because some things aren't for public consumption when it comes to my marriage. However, lately I feel as though I'm censoring myself for the sake of others.

When I think rationally I think: This is my blog, I started it to help give me an outlet for just throwing out the ideas that were banging around in my head. I need to simply stay true to myself and post whatever feelings I have rattling around my head.

For example: Last night TJ was tucking me into bed and expressing his concerns about me lately. I had told him yesterday morning that I was losing the 'submissiveness urge' and it was getting me down. He's concerned because he doesn't like to see me unhappy.

It's not that I'm not happy. It's just that where a few weeks ago I was happier then a pig in mud sitting on the floor beside his computer chair rubbing his feet (Something I used to growl about doing for him) while we chatted about the day, now I find myself growling again about doing it.

He said last night when I groaned as he laid next to me in the living room and put his feet on my lap, "You'll do it because you love to make your husband happy," he reminded me. I just rolled my eyes and removed his socks. He was right, of course, and doing that simply act did make me feel better a little bit.

Then when I asked him why he wasn't naked in bed with me, when he was done telling me how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy his answer was "Because I decide when I come to bed with you," I moaned a bit but the butterflies did flutter a bit in my tummy. Then, just to tease me, he slid his hand under the blanket and tormented me.

"I hate that you can do that to me," I complained when he stopped two seconds into the torture and my heart was racing, my mind spinning, and every ounce of my body yearning for him just by a subtle touch and well worded whisper.

"I love it!" he smiled and kissed me.

Ok...this posted started off on one road and landed somewhere else... that pretty much sums up my brain lately. BLECH!