Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year!!!!

The new year is upon us. TJ is sweating over the stove preparing our New Years Eve Seafood pig out session..that leads into our appetizer pig out session later in the evening. It has become a tradition here. He is making mussels, crab legs, crawfish (which I've never had before so this should be interesting) and shrimp cocktail (mostly for the girls). Yes, there will only be four of us eating all of this's New Year's Eve, after all.

I have been thinking and thinking about a New Year's resolution and have come up with nothing. I could do the usual and go with Lose Weight, be healthier, or such but let's be realistic this year. Hey, maybe that could be my New Year's Resolution: to set more realistic goals? Uh...naaaw.

Here's what I think will be good to use.
1. Write! Write! Write! I would like to publish four novella's this upcoming year over at lulu.
2. Save, save, save and move, move, move to a larger home by the end of the year.
3. Stick with school. I've signed up for one class this upcoming semester and I would like to take one class each semester until I've finished my degree.

Ok..there you have it. Now..for the fun ones.

1. Explore my submission more deeply and honestly. Stop using labels and listen to my heart more.
2. Accept TJ's authority with more grace. Meaning taking my spankings a little bit better.
3. Be able to take the cane...TJ really likes it and I'd like to be able to handle it for him.

Ok..maybe they weren't that exciting. LOL

I hope that each of you have a wonderful New Year. May your best day of 2009 be the worst you have in 2010!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Just another day...

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with TJ as well as all of the terms DD, D/s, M/s... yes I labeling. However...

I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call the end it's still our relationship.

Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.

To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.

One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying " let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?

There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.

Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing that too weird?

I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.

To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Have a very merry Christmas!

I will super busy in the next two days with the holiday and I wanted to make sure I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year.

We will be spending the next two days eating, dancing and hopefully a little spanking under the tree will be in order!

May you all enjoy this holiday season and may the upcoming year bring you all joy, prosperity, and happiness!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Strap Wrench

EVIL! That is what that damn thing is, absolutely evil. Disguised as a harmless tool for the handyman, it is a horrible beast of an implement for the handyhusband!

I had heard of these things being used for spanking and I ignored it. I knew TJ had a few of them in the garage, I had bought them for christmas one year, to be used as actual tools- I never dreamed of having that rubber strap across my bare bottom. When I had heard of people actually using it for spanking purposes I filed the knowledge in the "Never tell TJ" folder.

TJ cleaned out the garage last week and found the little buggars. He was sitting in his computer room one evening holding one when I walked into the room. He had an evil look in his eye just as I saw a light bulb turn on over his head.

"What?" I asked him cautiously, eyeing the toy in his hand.

"I was just thinking something," he smiled a devils grin and lightly tapped the strap against his open palm.

"'t tell me,"

"What? That this is going to be great to spank you with?" the man actually laughed at his own wit. I rolled my eyes and left the room, a little panicked I will admit.

Then last night it happened. The stress of the holiday shopping, working full time again, cleaning for cookie making today, and the regular stress of having three toddlers caught up to me and when he asked me to do a simple thing for him I snapped. Right before bed he told me to turn all the lights off in the living room and wait for him.

I was waiting for him next to the couch and when he walked in with nohting in hand I thought "Thank god, a hand spanking!"

It was not to be. He pulled that strap wrench out of his back pocket and plopped down in the middle of the couch. He explained that my attitude was unacceptable and told me to lay across his lap. I nearly cried just at the sight of the damnable thing. He pulled my sweat pants down around my thighs and began to spank with his hand.

His hand is nearly as sharp as some implements he uses but I knew it was only the warm up so I tried to bear down and get through it. When the first blow of that strap landed I nearly catapulted myself through the wall that the couch is pushed against and into the neighbors house.

I last about 5 strokes and was begging for him to use something else, which he would not.

"Not so much of an attitude now, huh?" he said as he continued. I wiggled and he held on tighter to me. I was trying really hard not to scream, for fear of waking the children upstairs. Finally, after about 15 (maybe) strokes of the stinging beast I wiggled my way off his lap and sat on the floor trying to catch my breath.

"What are you doing?" he demanded to know. I didn't answer him. I couldn't. He asked two more times before he sighed heavily and sent me to bed. When he finally came up to say goodnight I asked him if I could finish it. "No, we are done for tonight,"

This morning when we talked briefly he said that there will not be a re-do but he is definitely doing "something" tonight. What does that mean?

Maybe if I had been able to scream out I could have handled it better? Or if I was in a better frame of mind? I don't know...but we will see what happens tonight....

Friday, December 18, 2009


I have been away from my blog for too long. I've been neglectful. Not just to my blog, but my email, my writing, etc... I'll blame it on the holidays for now, and hope it changes after it's all over with next week. Though...being back at work full time isn't exactly helping, either.. oh well. That's not what I want to talk about, so onward...

Last week while I was out shopping I sent a text to TJ that he might want to check my blog. A short while later he sent back a text saying "I is going on?" So...long discussion that night. We came to the conclusion that perhaps we needed to do some non spanking "sessions" regarding discipline (not punishment, there's a difference...and I'm sure you knew that) ....round about way of saying that he has put me in "Training". For the past week at night, after the kids are in bed and I've completed my chores/getting ready for the next day, we've had about an hour of time to dedicate to us.,..or rather me...or him.

During this hour I am not allowed to make a decision and must do everything he says without question, hesitation, or attitude. I am to answer him with smile and simply do what he has requested.

The first night it was simple things: I did the dishes (usually his chore), I gave him a foot rub, folded a load of laundry (instead of letting it go until the next day as planned). The night after that we were short on time because I had worked that evening. He had me take off my pants, but leave my panties on as well as my shirt. It felt oddly silly to be in the living room folding another load of laundry with my pants off. When I was done...he had me do something else...which I may blog about later.

The last night we were able to do this he had me simply sit at his feet while we watched tv. At first, I was a little disappointed that we weren't doing anything else (unless you count the foot rub he got...which he usually gets with or without demanding one...the man has the itchiest feet in the whole world) Just when I had abandoned all hope of anything 'fun' happening, he said:

"Can you hand me that yellow pillow over by rocker," I nodded and went to get up. "Uh, on all fours and use your teeth," My stomach flipped a bit. I kept my eyes down and did as he instructed. Carrying the small pillow back to him between my clenched teeth. He thanked me for it and I took my place back on the floor again. A scant moment later the pillow wizzed by my head as he tossed it out onto the carpet. "Again," was all he said and I took a deep breath, unsure of his intentions, was he going to play fetch with me?? I moved back onto all fours and went and picked up the pillow once again with my teeth (made a mental note to wash the pillow) and brought it back to him, ceremoniously placing it in his lap. He smiled at me and my heart raced.

The show we had been watching was just about over and it was already past my bedtime. "Ok, let's get you up to bed," he flicked off the tv and headed towards the stairs. "No, keep crawling," he corrected me when I moved to stand. I again obeyed him....I crawled all the way up the stairs and to our bed.

He did have me stop half way up the stairs to pull down my pants was a good night!

Do I think we are "fixed" and everything will just be hunkey dorey now? history has told me that this is still the beginning...and we will stumble and fall and get back up again...again and again... But it's a step in the right direction, if nothing else we've had a great week together!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Rant.

I am angry.

Not at TJ, but at myself. I am furious, disappointed and frustrated with my own thoughts and emotions that continually twist and turn until I want for nothing more than to stand in the pool of misery that I have created and scream like the crazed woman I am becoming.

The week that TJ was gone on business was a bustling week of shuffling children here and there, making lunches, dinner, doing homework and getting myself to work. I behaved excellently. I followed every single one of my rules. I went to bed on time even when I had a million reasons to stay up an extra twenty minutes. I did it and he wasn't even here to see it; I was damn proud of that!

So what happened? I have no flipping idea! He's home, and although I have stuck to most of the rules, I find myself feeling defiant. He was irritated with me this morning (we had a little tiff...nothing much to really speak of) and he told me to stop talking to which I replied, "NO!" with a smirk and a head tilt that wreaked of defiance. What the hell!?!?!?

Well, no wonder the man has trouble stepping up to the plate. He steps up and I bat him down. One minute I'm thinking about how I want to explore my submissive side much more and then comes an opportunity and I blow it...again and again I do this. It's like there something in me that is trying to stop me from all of this.

I want to give it all up right now. I really do. I want to say simply FUCK IT. I feel lost and out of control.

I won't, probably not, who knows. I'm sure its annoying to read one week how horrible it is and then a post saying it's looking up only to see the next week it's spiraling downward again...and it's all me....

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A promise

TJ is currently sitting on a plane aimed for Nebraska. He will be gone for almost a week; we (the kids and I) took him to the airport this evening. The girls loved the hustle and bustle of it all and I was terrified, having never actually driven anyone to the airport before. It was a much more tearful goodbye than I had thought it was going to be.

After my last post I have just sat back and watched us. I made it all sound so dreary and sad that I wasn't really sure what to post after it or what I was really feeling. So, I just let our lives move along naturally and watched it from the sidelines, sort of speak.

I did cautiously broach the topic with TJ a few nights ago and we both got pretty much no where. I could not find the right words and he was very confused. He did promise that after his business trip we would talk in detail, but that he was ready to try again at stepping things up a bit. He claims life just got in the way and that he is just as interested as before.

It wasn't a very long discussion nor was it very detailed at all. Last night, however, we were sitting watching a movie together and I blurted out a list of things that I wouldn't mind him 'altering' about our lifestyle. Areas that I wouldn't mind him taking control over or having a strong opinion (Dare I say rule or dictate?) about. He just kind of looked at me with an odd expression for a second and said "Really?" and I nodded (too embarrassed at that point to use words). "Okay," he smiled and threw out a new rule.

Now. I'm not completely sure that he actually means this new rule or if it is simply because it was something on my list and he wanted to appease me. Nor does it matter. At this very moment I am trying to not let his motives matter. If he was simply trying to appease me than when he sees me following the rule, perhaps it will begin to matter to him. If he actually means this rule then my following it is just as crucial.

Last night while we were waiting for the movie we wanted to watch to come on the television I said ever so casually, "You could spank me until it comes on," Hoping to spend the next 20 minutes having a bit of fun.

"Good idea! Come over here," he called me into the kitchen. He grabbed the rubber spatula and walked me to the hallway where he pointed to the door for me face.

" mean a nice spanking. The kind where I lay over your lap and you use your hand," I laughed and he smiled back at me.

"Ok..maybe after this." he turned me back around to the door and I pouted. (Insert sound effect of foot stomp here) "You need a little reminder. While I'm gone you are going to follow all of the rules, right? You aren't going to cheat on them because I'm not here."

What?! Gasp!? He delivered a pre-emptive reminder without my even asking! Although, not the spanking I wanted by any means it was just as heart warming.

It wasn't all serious though. At one point that little devil stings and I was hoping around "ouch!" hop, slight turn, WHAP "OUCH" hop, slight turn,WHAP "OUCH"...this went on (while he was laughing) until I was completely facing him and he was whole heartedly laughing. "That was fun, turn around, let's do it again!"

Perhaps that is why I had the gumption that I did to spill out my little list about an hour later, I don't know.

So my promise. Is not really to TJ (cos he never checks my blog) it's more to myself. I am going to stick to the rules this week while he's gone. If I can manage to follow his rules while he's not even here to see me then I should be able to do it with ease when he is around and perhaps he will see me taking my role more seriously.

TJ still isn't the "Dom" that I read so much about on other blogs...but he is my TJ and he is my husband. Maybe things will shift from DD to more D/s..maybe they won't, but at the end of the day I still want only him to be the one wrapping his arms around me. I can't imagine having this intimate of a relationship with anyone else.

That "road" I was standing on the side of... I should have been with TJ asking him for directions instead of just standing there like a dope. So...this week I shall re-commit myself to our rules and focus on my submissive side. When TJ returns we can have the talk he said we would have and things can go on from there.