I am angry.
Not at TJ, but at myself. I am furious, disappointed and frustrated with my own thoughts and emotions that continually twist and turn until I want for nothing more than to stand in the pool of misery that I have created and scream like the crazed woman I am becoming.
The week that TJ was gone on business was a bustling week of shuffling children here and there, making lunches, dinner, doing homework and getting myself to work. I behaved excellently. I followed every single one of my rules. I went to bed on time even when I had a million reasons to stay up an extra twenty minutes. I did it and he wasn't even here to see it; I was damn proud of that!
So what happened? I have no flipping idea! He's home, and although I have stuck to most of the rules, I find myself feeling defiant. He was irritated with me this morning (we had a little tiff...nothing much to really speak of) and he told me to stop talking to which I replied, "NO!" with a smirk and a head tilt that wreaked of defiance. What the hell!?!?!?
Well, no wonder the man has trouble stepping up to the plate. He steps up and I bat him down. One minute I'm thinking about how I want to explore my submissive side much more and then comes an opportunity and I blow it...again and again I do this. It's like there something in me that is trying to stop me from all of this.
I want to give it all up right now. I really do. I want to say simply FUCK IT. I feel lost and out of control.
I won't, probably not, who knows. I'm sure its annoying to read one week how horrible it is and then a post saying it's looking up only to see the next week it's spiraling downward again...and it's all me....
6 comments:
This is exploration. You did your best when you were alone and your own boss, but when you were confronted with a direct order, you rebelled. So next time, perhaps after having thought this over for a bit, you may well be able to obey.
It takes time. You're getting there.
Hugs,
Hermione
Measha, I'm so sorry. I'm bobbing up and down with my own DD so all I can offer you is a hug.
Have you told him what you are feeling?
More hugs,
Joanna
I can't really offer much help, except understanding. More than once, I have literally been thinking about being more submissive one minute, then have bitten his head off when he called from work the next minute. If only our outward actions could match the inward thoughts of submission sometimes. Don't worry, we've all been there. It sucks, but as Hermione said, this is exploration.
Sorry I can't offer any real constructiive advice but I would agree with Hermione this is exploration and will take time.
Maybe speak to TJ about it.
Love and hugs.
Ronnie
xx
Maybe the cart is before the horse. Some women want to simply give submissiveness to a man, but others want to feel that the need for them to submit isn't soley dependent on them but rather is a requirement of the man. This assumes, of course, basic consensualtiy with a trusted partner. Once you've agreed between yourselves that you want male domiance, though, then maybe for you that dominance needs to be there whether or not you "bat him down" and that he wouldn't allow himself to be batted down. That isn't every man, I know, and in fact it may not be most men in today's world, but this conflict you have very possibly stems from the "who goes first" dilemma. I know for me, male dominance isn't really dominance if I have to step back to make it happen. I need someone who can be stronger than the strongest resistence I throw up. That's not what I always get, but I know that in my heart of hearts, those are the only times that I truly feel dominance.
You're not alone. It's very possible just like young kids do, they react with anger at the re-appearing parent. It's as if suddenly they realize the stress the were under but didn't show. And then there's alwasy hormones - they make me freakish at times. Hang in there. Think process. I hope you're doing better now. Sorry to be so late to your post. KL
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