Going Silent

I wonder if there is a switch inside of me that I can flip and make this all go away. Can I ignore this part of me, this urge I have to be what I crave to be? Well....I shall find out.

I haven't spoken to TJ about any of this and I don't plan to. He told me the other day we were going to talk about "this" part of our relationship, because of a comment I had made. It wasn't going to be a spanking or anything like that, he just wanted to talk about it. it wasn't a disrespectful comment or anything that would get me into trouble, just a general comment. That was three days ago. I did mention it to him that night after the kids were in bed and he kinda sighed in that way men sigh when they are about to be tortured with another talk about feelings. I didn't push the issue, he was the one who wanted to talk about it, I just got my soda and waited. He turned the TV on and forgot all about me being there. I let it go.

TJ told me once, not too long ago. "We talk about this all the time." I had shut down during that conversation because I didn't want to be overbearing to him. He assured me quickly, when he saw how hurt that comment made me, that it was fine, he didn't mind. However, I still remember it. The tone, the expression he had, the exasperation I saw in him. I don't bring it up to him anymore.

I'm tired, I'm just so damn tired. I can't force him to be the Dom I want. I can't force him to take control of things. He said to me a little while ago that we would find a way to make this all work, he just needed to find out how to do it so that he didn't sound fake. (because he's faking it) I told him that it was fine, not to worry, that we can just forget it. "Sure, and in five years when your 'working late' every night, what then?"

"You think I'd cheat on you?" I asked, somewhat shocked.
"Yeah, if your not getting what you need at home," he nodded.

So there you have it. He is faking what little dominance he shows because he is afraid that I will cheat on him with a real Dom.

Not only have I been trying to submit to someone who could care less about it, I know now that I have made a complete fool of myself because he was just play acting. Maybe not every time, but the majority of it.

So...I've decided to bury this need of mine. I'm taking some time off, I'm going to stay away from the blogs, the boards, the chats for a week and see how it goes, maybe two weeks. I'm no longer being the 'submissive' at home. I don't serve TJ anymore. I don't sleep nude anymore and I don't do things I'm not in the mood for anymore, just to please him. He was really shocked when I said, "No," to something he told me to do in bed, but he didn't force the issue or even comment, he just chose a different thing to do.

I haven't posted a lot of what's been going on because I wanted the good/bad/good/bad roller coaster to settle down, but I don't think that's going to happen.

Anyway, I'm signing off for a little while.