Expectations

I thrive on structure. When the day is well organized and scheduled, it will all go very smoothly. If there are rules for me to follow, I am very happy and calm. When there is no schedule or no rules or guidelines I get lost.

Maybe, as an adult woman, I shouldn't need so much structure or I should be able to create it for myself. For the most part, I do. I schedule my days, have my lists of things to get done each day, and for the most part it works well. I've taken on a few "rules" for myself and they are going OK, but I'm really only accountable to myself. I'm finding that because I'm not accountable to Him for these things I'm not all that content with it.

There are a few rules that he has set for me and I follow them pretty well. These other rules are just a few things I wanted to change in our relationship, and although he loves the changes they aren't something he would have ever set into motion himself. I am enjoying the changes, mostly because they make him happy and my mindset is more focused on my submission.

What is bothering me or rather what is on my mind currently is... I'm not accountable to him for these new rules. If I were to decide tomorrow to forget about them they would just fade away into the distance. He might ask "What happened to.." and I might reply with "Oh, I decided not to do that anymore," and he probably would shrug and say "Oh. Ok,"

I won't be abandoning my new little rules, like I said he's enjoying them, but the fact that I'm not accountable to him for them is irking me.

Another thing that's bugging me is expectations. I feel that he expects very little from me, which I suppose might be a good thing but as I said earlier, I thrive on structure, goals, rules, schedules.

I'm almost done with my online course and I took the last quiz (the final is next week...cross your fingers for me) the other night and got an 88%. I was happy to have passed the quiz because I was having a hard time with this particular chapter, and TJ was glad that it was over for me as well, since he's been listening me curse and groan over this material. We started talking about my grade and I said at this point I didn't think I'd be able to pull an A in the class but my B is very solid. He went on to say that in college the grade doesn't matter, just pass the class, get the degree. My heart sank to my feet.

"To me it matters. To do the very best I can do matters," I said to him and he did agree with me but said not to stress the A or B, just to pass the course.

"I really wish you expected more out of me," I responded and changed the subject.

Sometimes I take the fact that he doesn't expect much to mean that he doesn't think I could do much. As if I would let him down and so he just won't expect it to begin with. I know that this tendency of his isn't a result of our relationship, but of other things in his past, however it's starting to get to me.

I would love for him to set a goal for me, something for me (or us) to work towards (non-sexually or sexually); but for now I will set my goals and work towards them on my own. I don't need him to schedule my days or make every little deicison for me, that would drive us both nuts within a day. What I would love, would make my heart swell is if he picked one thing, one tiny thing, and took charge of it.

For now, I will take what I'm getting from him and I'll keep working on me.