It's what you crave

Yesterday, I posted about wanting a spanking or at least I fantasized a bit about it. Today, while I was walking this morning I put more thought to it.

I crave to feel his dominance. That is really what I want, and when he is spanking me I can feel it, it's tangible at that moment. It's unmistakable during that time who is the dominant person and who is not, no reason to believe that I'm in control what so ever.

I've done my best to simply focus on my submission, to obey, to serve, to follow rules (Even rules he really doesn't give a hoot about) and it's going okay. He's thrilled to his toes and I am happy on some level, too. But, as I was walking this morning and planning my day in my head..it occurred to me that by focusing only on me...am I in more control now than before?

He dictates nothing. I'm following my own routine, my own rules (along with the few he has set) and go along submitting to him in my way. He's had really no participation in this...and that's what I had set out to do, with the hope that he will jump in the boat with me at some point. I'm not complaining...or at least that isn't really my intention...and I do not plan on deviating from this behavior. But I'm craving his dominance as much as one craves chocolate. I need to feel it, to touch it, to hear it, to see it. Some sign that he truly is the one in control around here and it isn't just me "playing the submissive".

I am feeling frustrated and lonely today, but it will pass, it always does.