The weekend

I never posted what happened during our camping weekend! Well...let's rectify that!

The bad.
1) Our camp spot was on an incline which gave me vertigo and made sleeping and relaxing a bit difficult until TJ and I were able to find a way to make the airmatress level enough to keep the motion feeling at a minimum.

2) The only real flushing toilets were a bit of a walk away from us so I had to deal with pit toilets (which are vile).

3) I got my period a few days early and exactly one day into our trip.

4) I got myself into a bit of trouble right before we left. Apparently TJ ran out of gas driving home from dropping our dog off at the inlaws for our trip the night before we left...and somehow it was my fault cos I didn't have the quarter tank of gas in the van like I'm supposed to. (But I still maintain that it's not my fault that he didn't look at the tank before he got on the express way......i'm just sayin)


The good.

1) TJ let us play in the main dungeon this year and we both have come to love the St. Andrews cross.

2) TJ realized he doesn't have enough toys and wants to expand his toy bag to include a flogger (which I agree with) but he also still insists on a cane.

3) We went to a caning demonstration and TJ learned a few things that make me feel a bit more comfortable letting him try one on me.

4) There was a human food tray at the D/s formal that we attended one evening and I was able to lick and suck a woman's breast for the first time. I have been wanting to do that for a long time and I have to say I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would.

5) There were miles and miles of trails in the woods surrounding the camp ground that TJ and I took advantage of. We love to hike so that was relaxing and fun.... and being bent over a tree trunk and being used....that was absolutely wonderful.

6) Although the punishment for the gas thing sucked....if it hadn't been a punishment it woulda been pretty awesome. TJ walked me into the woods, tied my hands over my head to a tree limb, he pulled down my pants and whipped me until he was sure I was contrite. On the way back to camp we were all snuggles and I asked him if I could finally have an orgasm since the punishment was over. He thought I meant right that moment and granted my request. He found another tree for me lean against and told me to go ahead. I slid my hand into my jeans and began to play while he lifted my shirt and began to play with my breasts. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he twisted, pulled, and licked my nipples. When finally gave me permission, he covered my mouth to muffle my scream of pleasure as the immense wave crashed into me and the intensity of his stare, the pressure of his fingers over my mouth, and the heat in my nipple all pushed me over the edge. After it was all finished I was shaking and tears filled my eyes which I think completely confused him but he held me until I was able to straighten myself up and walk back to camp on my own.

7) TJ did more breast play with me than he ever has before and it was absolutely awesome.


I'm still hopeful that at some point our marriage will head down the road I want it to but for now I will be happy just to have him in my life and willing to spend weekends like that with me.

Implement: Back scratcher
Position: Standing against the wall
Offense: Attitude, breaking the water rule, not laying out His clothes as instructed.

"Turn around and put your hands on the wall."
Subject turns and places her palms on the cool paneling. the lecture begins as the light taps of the back scratcher are spread around her bottom. Subject feels a slight tingle in the middle of her back, she tries to ignore it, to focus on his voice. The gin tingle gets stronger and stronger until it is no ignorable and becomes a full blown itch. Subject realizes that the very thing she wants is being used on her bottom and for a split second thinks of asking Him if she could borrow the weapon for just a moment. That split second thought results in a bubble in her chest that she tries to contain, as he is giving a rather lengthy speech and she is sure she should be listening. The bubble moves upward and will not be ignored...helpless, the subject begins to giggle.

"Are you laughing!?" The giggle turns into a burst of laughter and the subject turns away from the wall and tries to explain herself. He does not look amused. She tries again to explain that it is absolutely hilarious that she has a horrible itch and he is using the scratcher to spank her with instead of scratch her with.

"Turn around" he instructs with only a slight hint of a smile on his firm lips. She turns around and waits for the next blow..."where does it itch?" he asks and she points out the spot as best as one can point out a spot on the middle of one's own back. She sighs with relief as she feels the scratcher putting out the annoying itch. She thanks him.

He continues the spanking......

Super Excited!!

Tomorrow is the day! We are going to pack the van, kiss the kids goodbye and head up north for three days of kinky fun in the sun.

I have purchased the outfits that TJ asked me to, one school girl outfit, one corset with petticoat, a skirt with tights and some cute night clothes. We are camping and the night gowns aren't warm but I'm sure he will keep me toasty.

There are a few events that I'm really looking forward to. There is a round table discussion about M/s 24 7 that is being led by a M/s couple, I'm really hoping that we will get some good feedback and that we will learn a lot. There is also a D/s "formal" which I think is like a dinner/dance type thing that I'm excited to go to. There will be a dungeon for playing, tons of "games" and other activities to keep us busy and enthralled all weekend and I can not wait to get there!

I intend to give a full report when we get back, hopefully I will have a lot of really neat stories to relay.

I haven't felt this giddy in a long time!

Let it be said...

TJ and I spoke last night. We talked for a long time and we straightened out a lot of things between us. He asked if I wished to speak first, and I did. I rattled off my list of "expectations" and once I was done, and my face was blushing fiercely, he nodded. He asked for a few clarifications then nodded again "That sounds good," he smiled at me over his left shoulder, as he was getting a proper back scratch from me while we talked.

Then it was his turn. He stood up, put his shirt back on, and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't sit next to me while he talked about his expectations of me, instead he stood against the wall while I stared up at him from my spot on the couch. Some of the things he said were not surprising to me at all. He mentioned that since my surgery I have gotten quite used to him doing the majority of the house work and now that I was feeling better I needed to step up. No more checking emails after dinner while he cleans up the kitchen. "We both work full time so we both have to pitch in to keep this place clean," he said.

There were some things that I was a little surprised about. Time Management. He doesn't like the way I'm handling my school work. The time on the weekends is really the issue, from what I understood. So now on Saturdays and Sundays I'm to give him a schedule for that particular day and he will adjust it to meet any needs he has for the day. I thrive on schedules, the day goes so much smoother when I know what is next and where I'm supposed to be.

One change that he is implementing is that he will only tell me something one time. If he makes a new rule and I break it the next day, there will be a punishment. If my attitude is starting to get out of hand, he will give me one warning and only one. If I continue then there will be a punishment. Speaking of punishments, "When I say it's game time...it's game time. No arguing, no trying to weasel your way out of anything,"

I asked him to understand that we haven't done any spanking in a while and that spanking hurts, so to expect me to stand perfectly still is a bit of an impossible expectation. He thought about it for a second and replied "For now. That's on me, I'll have to train you properly in that area," My jaw dropped and I just stared at him, which must have pleased him because he smiled at me with a bit more enthusiasm I would like to see when talking about spanking my bottom (in a non playing way).

The talk was wonderful as well as the festivities that occurred later, however, there was no spanking. I was sure there would be one...mostly because he had said a few days ago that there would be one. I don't know if he forgot about that part or if he just wanted to get to the really fun stuff instead. I didn't bother to ask him, I wasn't upset about not getting a spanking....I think I really wasn't looking forward to it because my bum is completely virginized again and I can only imagine the mess the first spanking is going to be.

So...things are reverting back to the norm...or at least as normal as things can get around here.

Ramble, Rumble, Grumble

Since having surgery and all of the other icky stuff that has happenedm I have not had a single spanking. Oh there has been a playful swat here and there (5 in a row today, actually) but nothing that could actually be determined a "spanking".

Yesterday was a bad day here in our little household, getting the kids fed, dressed, and into the cars in the morning is becoming increasingly difficult as the baby is now toddler and has his own little personality. I was, to say the least, frustrated and taking it out on everyone in my path. TJ pulled me aside and scolded me and then we all got in the cars and left. No spanking, however, as TJ is going to wait until this weekend.

TJ is planning to have a "reset talk" this weekend to get us back into the full swing of things. He said that that now that I'm feeling better and my attitude seems to be coming back we need to get back to the basics. I'm not really sure what will happen during this talk, except that I'm almost positive that a spanking will happen.

Now that I haven't had a spanking in nearly 2 months I'm not sure I'm excited about it. I have a complete virgin butt right now and I'm really not looking forward to it. Also, there is the fact that I have a horrible habit of coming up with a fantasy in my head and when reality doesn't come close to it I have a bad reaction. I'm really going to try and let it all just happen naturally, no fantasizing.

I will admit that there are days I wish this need I have would just go away. Sometimes I think it would be easier to ignore it. I'm thankful that TJ won't let me ignore this part of me, that he sees it works so well for us and will keep stepping up when needed.

There is still a lot of things in my head that leave me unsettled at times. I'm trying to figure out what my wants and needs are... there's a difference, that much I know, but I am having a really hard time sorting them into the right categories. These are things that I have trouble even verbalizing to TJ because I don't want to scare him or to make him think badly of me.

During a fun evening in bed, TJ was pinching me and he asked me if I liked it (in that seductive tone ..) I blushed into the darkness and said that I liked that he liked it. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I enjoyed it...wouldn't that be horrible to enjoy being pinched in such a way? These are things that leave me uncomfortable, and feeling lonely at times because I don't mention these things to TJ and I know I should...but I don't think he'll understand.

Then there are days I wish that I had known all of these things about myself when I had met TJ. Maybe then we would be further along this journey if it hadn't crept up on me after we had been married for a bit. But then again..how much of yourself are you fully aware of at 16.

This post, as usual, has veered off of where I started from. Again, just my ramblings of the day.

A discipline idea...

I was thinking this afternoon while I was at work about spanking..why do you ask? Because when I'm stressed out and ready to hurl the next chart I see out the window...I go to my happy place...and my happy place just happens to be over TJ's knee! So...like I said...this afternoon I was contemplating spanking.

I have a spanking coming tonight....I think...because I accidentally forgot to return a DVD to the library which has now accrued about $16 of late fees. I'm absolutely horrible about returning things on time and when I had started to borrow movies from the library TJ made it clear they were to be on time every time. But I'm completely digressing.... back to my thinking..

So...I was thinking. TJ has been doing a lot of spanking with me bent over the arm of the couch. I don't really care for that because it's a bit more impersonal then I would like. I want to feel him, his thighs beneath my stomach, his hand laying gently on the small of my back. A connection of sorts. So, I was contemplating this and thinking about what I think a thorough spanking/punishment would be...in the perfect world.

First, the announcement that the time has come. "Turn the TV off, make sure the room is picked up," while he does his ritual of closing all of the blinds and turning down the lights.

Second, setting mind set. This is really important, at least for me, if he just starts spanking away and my mind isn't "there" then it's really a waste of time for both of us for a few reasons. 1. I'm gonna say whatever I think he wants to hear in order for the spanking to end weither I mean it or not. and/or 2. I'm just going to get pissed about the whole thing instead of dealing with the issue at hand. and/or 3. I will have no real idea what he's really spanking for.
Idealy I picture: Him sitting on the couch and he has me standing in front of him (or standing in the corner while he talks to me..) .. he tells me straight out what he's upset about and why I'm going to be punished.

Thirdly, a warm up. I dont' mean a few strokes of an implement. I mean a full warm up. Of course talking is welcomed at this point because I don't want to feel isolated and alone...that doesn't really convey a loving spanking experience (even though it's discipline...it is still part of loving)

Depending on how long the spanking is...perhaps a small break to gather my thoughts. But I think before the finale (let's face it...spankings really are a play with 3 acts...) a break would be good to re-iterate what has happened, how it's going to change, and what I've learned..this could just be a few second interlude or a few minutes in the corner...and then the finale. (which really sucks cos he's really harsh at the end)

Afterwards, love. Sometimes, I'm not ready for hugs and kisses. Sometimes I'm a bit stiff and bent out of shape at myself and need a few minutes to myself before I can let him hug me. I think in those instances...a few minutes of corner time or just sitting alone might help me get myself together and let him give me the hugs and kisses I need.

...so that's what I was thinking about today while I was running around like a crazy woman at work....and they kept asking how I could be smiling amidst all the craziness of the day... WEG.

Getting over it

I think one of the hardest things about DD that TJ has trouble understanding (and this may be true for a lot of HOH's) is sometimes the spanking isn't just for a punishment... sometimes it's because I need to forgive myself... in a way.

Last week I did something stupid...REALLY stupid that put myself and my children in danger. I won't go into specifics (mostly because what I did was so utterly stupid I'm too embarrassed to say...) but it was dangerous and I knew better. When TJ found out he was FURIOUS. I was totally in agreement with him and I felt horrible from the moment I had realized what I had done.

After he calmed down he said that he needed to think. That he wasn't really sure what punishment to dole out but to be assured one would be coming. *GULP* He wasn't talking spanking...he wanted something that "fit the crime". After two days I asked him what was going on and he admitted that he couldn't really come up with anything. He agreed with me that I had already learned my lesson because I had scared the crap out of myself and I knew what a bad thing it was that I had done and he was confident that I would never do something so stupid again. He was going to let it go....

"I find it odd that you will spank for me forgetting my cell phone....but not this...." I shook my head.
"But you already learened your lesson."
"Hmm.. I know..but still.. I feel unresolved."
"Ok...See...now earlier I told you this would happen. I said if I let it go you'd be upset and you said you wouldn't!"
"Well..I thought I'd be ok if you let me out of it...but now..well...I feel unresolved,"
"That's it...over the couch!"

...and so I went. And so he spanked....hard..and I did my very best to not squirm and wiggle. It was the first time I cried...really cried during a spanking. Not because of the pain...but because this sudden release was granted me. It was an odd sensation...

I was tense..
I was hurting..
I was so sorry...
I was forgiven
I forgave myself...
It was over...

This sudden rush of love and forgiveness just washed over me as he was spanking me. Suddlenly I could deal with the pain of the spatula a little better, I could hear him better, I could feel the situation settling better. It was all going to be ok..and I wasn't going to hold it against myself for having done something so utterly stupid!

After a second of cuddles we went up to bed...he thought I wouldn't be in the "mood" I asked why he thought that. He explained that "You were just bawling"
"Yes...but I'm better now... get in bed," WEG

Later, I tried to explain to him that I had already learned my lesson, that I knew he had forgiven me, but that the spanking helped me get over it in my head. That the slate was wiped clean again for me, that I had forgiven myself. I don't think he fully understands it but he's willing to spank me whenver either of us deem necessary! LOL

Thanks to the kids

I was in a bad mood today. I was upset with TJ for a few different reasons, none of which were really all that important, and I was tired from running around with the kids. Put those things together and it equals me in a very bad mood with a very bad attitude.

After yet another slam of yet another drawer in the kitchen TJ said to me from the living room. "Stop slamming stuff, already!" to which I replied "OH, shuuut up!" (for the third or fourth time for the day) I don't believe I have ever seen that man jump up from the floor so fast before.

He darted into the kitchen stood right next to me, so I wouldn't escape I think, and said to the kids "Girls, go upstairs NOW!" ...of course they wanted to know why they had to stop watching thier cartoon and be banished to their rooms. He just glared at me and said "Come with me," and 'escorted' me to his room and told the girls to stay out and shut the door behind him.

I stood against the wall and tried to tell him that the girls were going to hear it if he did anything, but he already knew that. He said to me in his angry voice. "Don't you ever tell me to shut up! I'm sick of your attitude today! The only reason you're not getting it right now is because the girls are behind that door! But tonight your getting it!" and with that he opened the door and my two little girls ran away giggling.

Luckily, they are young and don't understand what he was talking about but they knew enough to know Mommy had gotten in trouble. That doesn't really bother me since at some point they will most likely find out about our marriage. But, I am thankful that they didn't go up stairs becuase he was really mad and that spanking would have been bad.

As for tonight...well....he's upstairs soaking in the tub. I suggested that I hit the sack (a little test of the memory waters) and he said if I was tired, sure go ahead. So....I think enough time has passed that he has forgotten it all. I am somewhat relieved about that.. becuase really I don't think I have the energy for a punishment tonight.

So, thanks kids..for not listening...as usual! LOL

Isn't it supposed to get easier?

Like I mentioned before TJ and I were going through a bit of

a dry spell...where spanking was related. The drought ended last night, however.

It wasn't too much of a spanking and I did have to resort to putting out a sign. I put the paddle on his computer chair with a note that read "Do you remember how to use this?" He saw it as a challenge...and he accepted the challenge. I didn't mean it as such but after we talked I can see how he could take it that way.

Later, as I laid in our bed thinking (for a only a few minutes cos really after a spanking I knock right out usually) that after all of these years why do I find submitting to him so hard? Lately, I've been feeling things like "who the hell is he to say yes or no" or "He should just do what I say" and a few times "He's not going to do it my way...I'll handle it before he does.."
As if I thought because he wasn't spanking I was off the hook for obeying?

This brought about something he said a little while ago when I tried pulling DD off the table because I was a snit about something. He said that I didn't respect him when he wasn't spanking me. Which made me think....can I respect him without DD..

Shouldn't I? I didn't before...why?

Here's what I came up with last night. I do respect a man who takes charge when taking charge is warranted. TJ never did that. He would let me walk all over him and would just ignore the signs that something was wrong with our marriage. So no, I did not respect him. The more dominant he allowed me to be in our marriage the less respect I had for him and showed him. But, does this mean he has to spank me in order for me to feel his dominance?

After getting all pissy for not getting spanked in 12 days..I'm doubting myself. Is this all about the spanking for me even though I've convinced myself it isn't? Can I be submissive without the fear of a punishement? Do I really want to be submissive to him or do I just want the spankings? Hmmm...

I'm now in a holding pattern of thoughts...

Sigh of... relief?

First, I want to thank everyone who posted comments. I am horrible about answering them but I want to say that I do appreciate all of them. It's good to hear feed back and get helpful insight from those of you out there who may have been in the same situation or are there right now.

TJ and I had our conversation last night. It was pretty short and he was really glad that I came to him with it before I got myself all worked up (see..he doesn't pop on here LOL). For now he said he's not really going "There" with our relationship. Although, we both find aspects of that kind of submission seriously appealing in the bedroom to live it full force all day every day is not something he's all that interested in. "right now" (he did emphasize that phrase a few times during our discussion).

So after our 'chat' he went off to play his war games and I went about my evening. At first I was pretty relieved. Like I said in yesterday's post..I really wasn't sure if I wanted anything sex related to jump in on our DD journey. It's taken so long for us to get to the point that we are at I was really afraid that adding something of that caliber to it would just overwhelm us and we'd throw in the towel again. And I really did not/ do not want that to happen. So first I was like "Whew!"..... at first...

I'll be honest here. The idea of him looking in our closet and saying "Wear the blue sweater today," sends chills down my spine. Now do I want this to occur every time I get dressed, no, probably not. However, for him to take the time to look through my clothes and have a preference to what I wear? Again, shivers. And then wearing those clothes all day and knowing that he wanted me to, that told me to. It would feel like he was hugging me all day long! Or...to go even deeper into my fantasy world... for him to go shopping with me and to simply pick the clothes he liked best on me.. Oh to dream!

Now, I'm not that simple minded to think that picking out my clothes is what D/s is all about. I know there's way more to it then that. River said it best I think "...give every part of my body, mind and soul, my very essence, over to Nick." That's exactly what I would be doing. When we got married I think we kind of did that, though. To a certain degree. I for one have never told TJ "NO" when it came to sex. Never.. (well maybe once when I was pregnant but I don't count that) I always figured, I'm his wife, if he wants it why not. (And...I would never turn down sex cause well..ok again another post LOL) I consider my body, well.. his. And in my fantasy world... he does plenty to and with it. *blush*

For now, though, we are keeping that aspect behind closed doors, when the moon is full, and the children are away.... I'm ok with this because I'm really enjoying this ride and I'm just going to wait and see where it takes us. So far it's taken us to much better communication and a love that goes deeper then words can describe so I can't imagine it taking us anywhere but even better places! The ride is just getting started, though, I think.

Dante d'Amore - TJ would probably fall to the floor laughing if I were to ever call him "Master" and even calling him "Sir" during a spanking makes me feel a bit weird. Something I think, though, I would like to over come if it is something he wants from me. He hasn't pushed the "Sir" thing in a while during a spanking, though.. I wonder if he's given up on it or if it just doesn't interest him anymore....

AG - You said: "I think that as a man that would be a very comfortable word for him perhaps from a sports or athletic point of view" And I think you were completely right. He said that when he mentioned "training" he didn't really mean it the way I saw it but more of just..well...training in the sense you mentioned there. So he was glad (as was I) to have that cleared up.

River - Just don't forget, it's okay to say 'not yet', instead of 'that's not okay' I think this exactly what we did.. we just agreed that now wasn't the right time to move in that direction.

Beki - Just remember,"training" is only a word. So true! Sometimes I take things very literally and it's a good reminder that sometimes a word simply means what it means and there is no hidden meaning behind it. :-)

The destination is not what matters, it's the journey getting there that holds all of the interest!