Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times

If I ever questioned my submissive side, I don't now. The past two weeks have been horrible.

I had a lot of trouble doing the things I used to do for him. It's actually annoying, really. Little things that he likes (like a back scratch or a foot rub) are really hard for me to do because I start to think about how much I enjoyed doing them with a "submissive mind".

You might wonder why I can't do these things just because they please him and isn't that one of the submissive traits, to do things for his pleasure? Or because he's my husband and even a vanilla wife will do these things for her man. The answer is simple. When I do these little acts it reminds me that he doesn't want me in that capacity and it makes me feel like he wants all the servicing but none of the responsibility.

Sex has lost it's appeal, dramatically to me. I feel ugly, sad, lonely and all around miserable. I couldn't even put my skirts on anymore....isn't that just pathetic? I felt like a fake getting dressed the same way or doing the same things as before. I can not submit to someone who does not care one way or the other if I do or not. The whole "submit to him and he will lead" philosophy isn't going to work here.

I'm not angry at him. There's really nothing to be angry about, I can't force him to be something that he clearly isn't any more than I force myself to be something that I am most assuredly not. I'm angry at myself a little though. If I had really thought about all of this at the very beginning, many many years ago, I would have seen that he's not the type of guy to take responsibility for someone else (other than his kids, he's a great dad).

We did talk on Saturday night. TJ said that not having a marriage where he is the HOH isn't going to work for us. He said that my attitude lately has been getting out of hand. I was a little shocked because I was trying really hard not to give any attitude towards him. We talked and talked and he agreed that what I want out of our marriage is not what he wants.

"Why can't it be enough that I'm the man of the house and I will put my foot down when it needs to be," he asked me. He just doesn't understand. "It works great when it's working. Then you start pushing for more, and too fast, and then we end up all confused,"

It's not fair to ask him to give more than he wants to or can. I guess there is a small light in the darkness. When I first brought all of this up to him (years ago) he was repulsed by the very idea of spanking me for anything other than foreplay. Now he refuses to stop spanking me at all. Maybe in another decade he will be able to give me more...

We are not splitting up, although I won't lie and say it didn't come up. TJ said that for now we will start again, he will be the HOH and I will not be. I don't know what I am....not what I want to be, that much I know. He said that we don't talk enough (although he complained a few weeks ago that we talked too much) and that we let things get too messy before we talk about them. So every Sunday night we are going to set an hour aside and talk just about "this".

What does all this mean? I have no idea. I think I still can get spanked if I piss him off too much, cos I asked him "So I don't have to be spanked anymore?" and he said "Uh. No. You have gotten me used to that. I like that part of this. That won't ever go away."

I thrive on structure and schedules and TJ thrives on spontaneity and adventure. I don't see how we will make this work and I am still full of miserable feelings and thoughts. Because I want nothing more than to belong to him in more ways than simply being his wife...and that won't change, but he assures me we will make it work.

And so the rollar coaster begins again, a very slow steep climb up to the first drop....