To Tell or Not to Tell...that is a question!

I sometimes debate with myself whether or not to tell on myself if I've done something that warrants TJ's attention. It's usually something that he would not find out about if I kept it to myself, so I could easily let it slip by and it would go un-noticed.

However, to keep it to myself and not inform him would seem like I was making the decision that I did not warrant a punishment. On the other hand, if it's something I think is 'punishable' and I tell him and he does not think the same way, will I handle it correctly? Will I accept his decision or will I get grumpy because I think he's being too lenient? If I say nothing I take the decision away from him, if I tell him I run the risk of not accepting his decision....

These are the thoughts that were raging through me the other day. While we were away on our vacation a letter came in the mail from the library. It was an over due notice for a movie I had checked out prior to our vacation. I had completely forgotten that I had even rented it! (we hadn't even watched it yet). I looked at the fine and sucked in my breath. TJ hates when I forget to return things to the library, at one point he didn't even want me going to the library because I was always returning things late. (Luckily, the library is online now so I can renew before being late....I try to explain that it's in my blood...my mother is exactly the same way with the library...lol) I put the letter down and didn't say anything about it.

I kept thinking the same thoughts as in the beginning of my post until I decided. "No, tell him and if he decides to do nothing then you accept it!" So I wrote "Oops" on the notice and slid it under the door to the room that he was in and walked away. A few minutes later he came out and said: "So, do I have take your library card away from you?"
"No," was all I answered him.
"We will talk about this tonite," he assured me, I balked a little (just a habit I think)
"But I didn't even have to tell you about it," I pointed out.
"That's right, but I had already seen the notice on the table..I was just waiting to see if you would step up and tell me. You did, and that's great, but you still are getting a wuppin"
....I sighed and the conversation ended. I don't think I was trying to get out of the spanking, I was trying to lessen it I think. You see, he was fondling his belt during the conversation.

That night time talk happened, and I did my best to stay still for him. He did not use his belt, but instead used the evil scraper. He said he was tempted to ban me from the library but since I use it to take the kids to storytime and to get books for the children he wasn't going to. Instead, I am not allowed to check out any movies until he says its ok. He assured me it wasn't the fine that was the issue, but that I keep breaking the rule about returning the items on time. We watched the movie last night so I'll be returning it to the library this afternoon!

...something odd

TJ has arrived home well and happy from his business trip. He was pleased to find all the children happy and safe and a home made "Welcome Home" Banner was hung ever so nicely in the living room (That myself and one of my daughters made...the 3 yr old could not be interrupted from her rock collecting to come color the letters lol)

He made a pit stop at my work on his way home to gather the keys to the van (so he could drive himself home, apparently the cab driver was driving him crazy and he could not bare to spend the last 20 minutes of the ride with him). I ran down from my office and gave him my keys and a long awaited kiss.

The evening was wonderful. We were a family once again. Saturday, too, was great: had t-ball practice the grandparents came over for lunch, it was really nice. Then TJ remembered that when he had used the van the day before he had to stop for gas because I had let it get low. So after the kids were in bed and he was sure I was done checking my emails he asked me to bring him a utensil from the kitchen.

I had hoped he was only kidding when he had mentioned earlier that we would "Talk" about the gas thing later on, but I was wrong. The thing about TJ (good or bad) is that no matter what the rule, there is no excuse for breaking it. He sees a broken rule as a sign of disrespect to him and to our relationship.

So I brought him a wooden spatula and after a short discussion the spanking was underway. For some reason my left butt cheek was particularly tender and I asked him to please stay away from there and he could see that I wasn't trying to get out of the spanking but that the area I was talking about was sore. Then a few strokes later I stood up and said "Wait...I need a second..I'm getting angry,"

"Do you think we should just stop cos your angry?"

"Well, I think that if we continue when I'm angry, I'll only get angrier and then this won't work I think it would be bad," I explained. He agreed but told me that I shouldn't just say stop, I should ask for him to stop and then ask to explain. (agreed)

We finished and he hugged me. He asked why I was getting mad, was it at him, was it at myself, what was going on. I have no answer for it. I dont' really know what was making me mad. It was very odd. I was bending over thinking "All you had to do was put gas in the damn car," and the next thing I knew I was angry. Not at him, not at me...at what? I have no idea.

It passed and the spanking went on and things are fine. He did take a minute to explain to me again that it's ok if I need to stop because of something like that because he agreed spanking me when Im in that mindset isn't going to get either of us anywhere. But that it is not my place to tell him to stop, I am to ask for him to give me a minute.

I still don't know what caused the short bout of anger but the fact that he was willing to let it pass before continuing (And that he did continue) showed me that he is as loving as I thought he was and that he can still be HOH and compassionate at the same time. Also, the fact that he picked up on the whole tell vs ask thing (which I did not until he mentioned it) tells me that perhaps he's not just pretending thes life for me...perhaps I have unlocked something in him that was there this entire time... time will tell..

...as for the tender tush on the left side. I had him look it over for me cos as I explained to him "It wasn't like 'ouch' pain like a harsh spanking gives... it's like the kind of pain that makes me want to punch who ever is inflicting it right in the face kind of pain..." He didn't see anything wrong but thought that maybe our bedroom activities from the nite before might have pulled a muscle or something.. perhaps it was that I hadn't had a spaking in a week? who knows...

Experiment

One of the many parts of DD is: Spanking. Ok, it's a pretty big part of it and it's the part that I'm gonna talk about today.

I've been finding that TJ stops spanking just when I'm about to burst through that wall. Right when I get to the point of "Ok...yeah yeah I'm sorry" turns into "OK...I'm really sorry..I mean it..." and the remorse is honest and I've moved into what I guess some could call 'sub space' (for lack of better description). I've gotten the impression that he doesn't think I can take a very severe spanking....so I went about finding a way to show him that I can.

I wanted to show him that he can go further with the spankings and that I could/would be able to handle it. I wanted to show him that for punishments perhaps he was being very lenient on my bottom.

I brought up my idea to him: an experiment of sorts. We picked a time where we could devote at least 30 minutes for spanking. We agreed to try several different implements. He agreed to do a good warm up. Another thing I wanted to show him was that with a "proper" warm up we could take the spankings to a different level . He told me that when I got to the point of "NO MORE" to use the code word: Uncle.

Friday night came and it was time. I pulled out all of the implements...well mostly all of them. There was:
The universal scraper (pictured in the upper left corner)
The hand held wooden paddle that I had bought him for Xmas years ago that he's never really used
The hairbrush
A wooden spoon.

He sat on the couch and had me lay over his lap (my favorite position by the way). He explained that he was gonna do the warm up and then began to pepper my back side with spanks from the scraper. At first not a big deal, was feeling almost like a therapeutic massage. After a minute or two the smacks began to get a bit harder and were closer together. I was squirming by the end of 3 or 4 minutes and by the time he finally said "Ok...warm ups over" I was really rolling around on his lap trying to avoid that scraper.

He had me get up and take down my pants. I looked at him and said "But you never have me take off my pants," and he just gave a grin. I did as he instructed and got back on his lap. The hairbrush was next and if I thought the scraper stung I was mistaken. The hairbrush, when applied the same cheek rapidly packs a horrible burn. He switched to the wooden spoon and then to the wooden paddle.

He didn't switch implements until I cried out "UNCLE!", no matter how much I squirmed or cried out, he waited for me to give him the signal. It took less time to get me to call out "Uncle" with each implement. It wasn't so much that whatever he was using, hairbrush, spoon or what have you was so terrible, it was that he had been spanking me for so long that if he had used a feather it would have stung.

At some point he got to the wooden paddle. Now, I've had that paddle used on me all of 2 times (and I'm being generous with that number) since we got it years ago. I knew there was a lot of "thud" with a paddle and I was expecting that. I wasn't expecting it to hurt so very much. At first it was just another swat to an already very sore behind, but then it was soooo much more. It was fire! It was sting! It was "UNNNCLLEEE!!!!" I couldn't have called out that word sooner if I had tried...because I was too busy stammering from the burn of the thing. Somehow we ended up on the floor. (I think I rolled off his lap LOL) and he told me to get on hands and knees.

"Not with that thing!" I said and pointed at the paddle.

"Oh..it's got your attention does it?" he asked with more evil in his smile then I cared to see at that particular moment. "C'mon we are almost done... just get over here." I whimpered and did as he asked. I presented my very hot, red, and fiery bottom in front of him. I looked behind me and saw him bring his arm back, the paddle in hand, and as he brought it down on me I crawled away. He laughed and told me to get back. I did. And again as he was about to make contact I crawled away again. "Stop it," he laughed. "Just stay put,"

"Stop doing a full swing! You're gonna catapult me across the room!" I cried as I got back into position.

"Look forward," he commanded me. I looked ahead of me, focusing on the TV, but I could tell he was almost mid swing, I looked behind me confirmed my suspicion and off I went again crawling away. This time he lurched forward grabbed me by my waist and gave me a few swats hard and fast. Just when I thought I was gonna lose my mind from it, he tossed it to the side and pushed me to the ground.

The next thing I knew..the burning in my rear was nothing compared to the sensations he was causing in other areas......

So...the goal was to show him I could take a lot more then he's been dishing out. He told me that he can see that now and that he's not gonna stop just cos he hears a few whimpers out of me. So we'll see if this was a good or bad thing...for me. WEG

Getting it under control

I love to cook. I enjoy making a meal that gets "oohs" and "ahhhs". It thrills me to my toes when the people who are eating the meal I've prepared enjoy it. And.. I love my family. So what better thing to do then to cook for a family dinner? My parents recently had an anniversarry and I volunteered to help do the cooking if my sister hosted the dinner. We picked a date and it was all set. I had to work the morning of the dinner, no problem. I realized once I was at work, that fateful Saturday, that I had forgotten to buy butter (an essential ingredient to my rue) so I had to make a pitstop on the way rushing home to start cooking my pasta dish. No problem.

When I got home I had exactly 1 hour to prepare the pasta dish, prepare my appetizer, get the kiddies dressed, pack a diaper bag, dress myself, and get all five of us into the van and on the road. Needless to say, I may have.. possibly.. now looking back at the situation..bit off a bit more then I could chew. (something TJ believes is a chronic illness of mine). My stress level was through the roof to say the least. TJ was able to get the kids all bathed and dressed while I did the cooking and he helped prepare the appitizer while I got myself dressed and packed the diaper bag. In the end we got into the car exactlly 2 hrs later. We were pulling out of my driveway at the exact time we were supposed to be pulling into my sister's driveway. And to top it all off.. after getting about a block away I realized I left the gift sitting on the counter...so I had to turn around and go back.

I will admit that I was being a complete jerk to everyone TJ and the kids. My stress level was in over drive, and I had completely lost control of my anxiety and my behaviour. I said horrible things, was cursing every which way, and was well...a bitch.

Regardless of the fact that this behavoir of course deserved punishment, what I'm addressing with this post is the fact the stress had gotten out of hand and therefore I got out of hand. I wish TJ had realized at the get go, when I got home and started dolling out orders, that I was gonna need some help to keep my head on straight. I wish he had taken control of the situation and gotten my attitude checked before it ran off all half cocked all over the house. In a perfect world I think TJ would have realized I had gotten myself into a bit of a situation and had spanked me before I started my cooking. Not a horrible spanking, just something to say "You bit off a bit more then you can handle.. now relax and let's get through this," kind of a spanking.

Failing that, when I really started going off a quick spanking and "Get yourself under control!" probably would have helped me get my stress back into the jar where it belonged. Now, I'm not faulting TJ for my horrid behavoiur. I was the one who decided to agree to cooking a dinner for 13 with only an hour between work and leaving the house. I was the one who chose to yell and scream at everyone. That was all me.

However, sometimes I get so out of control the only way to get me back is with a paddle in hand and a firm voice. The longer it takes for him to spank the more out of control I spin. It's like I lose my handle on myself and unless he reins me back in I may never get there.

The beginning of my journey

I wanted to take the opportunity to first introduce myself. My name is Measha and I'm married to a wonderful guy named TJ. We've been married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children. We met in highschool and married shortly after I graduated. TJ joined the military and we were off to Europe for a 4 year tour.

During these years we grew up a lot. We became adults and in some ways we grew together and others we grew a part. I knew there was something I wanted out of our marriage out of our relationship that I wasn't getting, but I had no clue what it was. To say the least, our marriage was troubled. We fought constantly, almost always over who was in control. It was one big tug of war. I would fight for power and get angry when I won it. Then I stumbled across DD (domestic discipline) and it was the biggest eye opener I think I've ever had. It was exactly what I wanted. Me not be in control? Him the Head of the House? It sounded great!

Putting it into practice however was very hard. First I had to tell him what I had found. I had to ask my husband to spank me for being disrespectful, rude, etc. It took us a long time to find the right level of DD that fit our relationship. We jumped all over the place from nothing to what was basically BDSM, to S&M type relationship, back to simple DD, then to LDD. Needless to say it has been a very frusterating and hard journey to get where we are. It took us 8 yrs to find the right level of DD that is perfect for us. Now that we have found it, our marriage is blossoming.
We communicate so much better. I don't jump to insult when I'm hurt as much anymore. I say "as much" because I'm not perfect. I still do stupid things, say hurtful things and am disrespectful at times. I think I've gotten much better but it is still the number one thing we are working on. He has also grown into the HOH role. We aren't perfect, we don't have this whole DD thing down pat, but we are working on it. We have the same common goals now, and it has helped our relationship and our love for each other grow.

So there it is. That's me, at least a small part of me.