The last spanking I got really opened my eyes a bit more to what DD really is. It's not all about spanking. Yes, in my head I've always told myself that but in the back of my mind I would think differently. There's so much more to it.
I have to actually submit to his authority. I have to actually believe in my mind and heart that TJ is the head of our household. That his word is law. Otherwise, what's the point of all of this? Not only do I have to believe it and trust in it, I have to act on it. When he says something, I have to obey it.
Yesterday, we headed out of town for the day with all three kids in tow for a family gathering. The drive was about 1 1/2 hrs each way. On the way home our oldest was cranky (which is really an understatement) and we could not get her to stop yelling and crying about a piece of candy which she dropped in the back of the van. Finally, TJ turned to me and said "Do not talk to her anymore until she calms down," and he was going to do the same. It was so hard for me, my baby girl was back there crying "Mommy" and I had to ignore her. I did it, though.
As I was sitting in the passendger seat listening to her crying and babbling about the candy I was thinking "Does he even realize that I'm doing what he told me to?" Does he see it that way, that I'm being obedient in this moment? And then it hit me. I'm obedient maybe 25 % of the time.
If that's true (and I think it is) when I am obedient does he just think "Eh...it won't last" ?
Is all of this just for show so I get spankings? .... I'm struggling today.
3 comments:
I think what you did was admiral, Measha. It is very hard to hear your babies cry. It is also hard to change yourself and your views after many years of acting a different way. You are right that DD is a lifestyle change and spanking's are just one of the tools used. Be proud of yourself for those little steps of change in yourself...not guilt.
Katia
Give yourself some credit. You did obey and you did realize something important about yourself. For me, DD is about growing as a person and as a partner in your marriage and that's what you're doing!! Meow
It is so hard to be bedient sometimes, especially when kids are involved. Sounds like you have been making some significant changes and are noticing them now. I'm realizing how much of a process it is. it's finally dawning on me that I'm not going to just wake up and be obedient forever one day.
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