Isn't it supposed to get easier?

Like I mentioned before TJ and I were going through a bit of

a dry spell...where spanking was related. The drought ended last night, however.

It wasn't too much of a spanking and I did have to resort to putting out a sign. I put the paddle on his computer chair with a note that read "Do you remember how to use this?" He saw it as a challenge...and he accepted the challenge. I didn't mean it as such but after we talked I can see how he could take it that way.

Later, as I laid in our bed thinking (for a only a few minutes cos really after a spanking I knock right out usually) that after all of these years why do I find submitting to him so hard? Lately, I've been feeling things like "who the hell is he to say yes or no" or "He should just do what I say" and a few times "He's not going to do it my way...I'll handle it before he does.."
As if I thought because he wasn't spanking I was off the hook for obeying?

This brought about something he said a little while ago when I tried pulling DD off the table because I was a snit about something. He said that I didn't respect him when he wasn't spanking me. Which made me think....can I respect him without DD..

Shouldn't I? I didn't before...why?

Here's what I came up with last night. I do respect a man who takes charge when taking charge is warranted. TJ never did that. He would let me walk all over him and would just ignore the signs that something was wrong with our marriage. So no, I did not respect him. The more dominant he allowed me to be in our marriage the less respect I had for him and showed him. But, does this mean he has to spank me in order for me to feel his dominance?

After getting all pissy for not getting spanked in 12 days..I'm doubting myself. Is this all about the spanking for me even though I've convinced myself it isn't? Can I be submissive without the fear of a punishement? Do I really want to be submissive to him or do I just want the spankings? Hmmm...

I'm now in a holding pattern of thoughts...