Long Forgotten....

I haven't posted in a few days because I haven't had anything of a positive nature to post, and I didn't want to sound as though I were whining or making TJ out in a bad light. I still don't have anything of a positive nature to post...

"Going with the flow" has turned out to be a very convenient way for TJ to forget all about me. I still haven't pushed him, I'm still "going with the flow" but I have never felt so alone and so forgotten. Since I am no longer pointing a finger and saying 'OK, TJ now you should do this, say this, how about we try this, what if I was to ask permission for this...." nothing has happened. Nothing. Nada. No talk, no empty promises, no touches, nothing. I am just a wife. Not even a spanked wife.

This has made me wonder. What if my need to be submissive towards TJ, what if this craving I have to have him control things in my life/our life is a much simpler need. What if my need really is to have TJ pay attention to my life in general. He is an awesome father and he can make my day turn around just by smiling at me and his touch still makes my knees weaken, so I don't pretend that he is a bad husband, he's, by most accounts, wonderful. However, he..well...responsibility is not his strong suit, which is why I pay the bills, plan vacations, and call the repair guy.

Even that aside... TJ has no true idea what goes on in my day or what I have upcoming in my life. This morning he asked me "Oh, she's taking the bus today?" with a surprised expression regarding our oldest going to school this morning. "Yes, it's Friday." I sighed. "What time do you start work?" I cringed and bit my tongue. "Ten." and in my head I screamed out "The same FUCKING TIME I HAVE STARTED FOR THE PAST FIVE MONTHS!" (pardon my language there, I do try to stay away from that word but it was necessary this morning...at least for my mood) This may not seem like much but this is just a little example that just happened this morning.

The big hurts I keep to myself, except for one. This blog. He has never come here on his own accord. I have even set the settings to email him each post, he's never read them...at least not without me prompting him to. He skips them when he checks his email. I am skipped. I am ignored. This blog is my outlet where I hold very little back when it comes to how I feel about submission and he ignores it. He chooses to ignore it/me.

So, perhaps my submissive nature is really just me wanting him to look at me and pay attention to me. Maybe I just want him to think about me...not just of me. Yes, there's a big difference.

"Measha would really enjoy a night out and she's been really good this past week, I'll see if my mom can take the kids for a night," is thinking about me.
"I need to ask Measha to put more money in my account for gas," is thinking of me.

Maybe I'm not submissive at all, maybe I'm just an attention craved greedy little wench. Either way, right now I'm miserable and feel alone and forgotten.

See...nothing positive...the roller coaster has continued. I am beginning to hate this blog, one week things are great and the next this is happening...over and over again. I envy all those who found these emotions before finding their husbands. If I had understood this about me maybe things would be different.

I have a necklace, a simple necklace that looks like a choker because it is a little tighter around the neck than most necklaces. I put it on a few months ago and commented to TJ that it reminded me of a collar and how it would be nice if he perhaps chose a similar necklace for me to wear. (actually I think I said even a bracelet would be nice...just something special between us) One that he picked out at the store, bought and gave to me with the purpose of it to remind us both of what it meant. He said it was great idea and after valentines day he even admitted that he had thought about doing that for valentines day, but hadn't for whatever reason. I look at my original necklace now and I get embarrassed that I ever shared my thoughts with him about it.

I am embarrassed that I ever shared any of this with him or even with myself. Repress it, is what I want to tell myself. Bury this need deep down and never speak of it again or even look at it. Ignore it, because there is no hope. I want to submit, but only to him, because I do love him with all my heart. So if he doesn't want my submission...then I am lost.