"Don't cry because it's over....smile because it happened" - Dr. Suess

I have no more vacation time coming to me until June so there will be no day together that TJ would have liked. Oh well.

I was thinking about submission this morning. I know that some will say if you submit to him he will lead. I am no longer sure that's true. Perhaps in some cases, maybe sometimes that works. However, I don't think that's the case all the time. If you submit to someone who really could care less if you do...is there any actual gratification from it?

TJ has no idea what power he holds and therefore he is useless with it. I don't say that to be disrespectful, I truly don't. I have come to the conclusion that this isn't going to work with us. It just isn't. And I'm starting to be OK with that. Starting to be OK.. not yet but I'm getting there.

To me submitting to someone who is oblivious to it is a waste of energy and it hurts. When I'm doing the things that make him happy (household stuff, taking care of him, and sexual stuff) and he's not participating, or he's reaping the benefits but not putting any energy towards being the Dominant partner I feel taken advantage of, not submissive. Maybe I'm submitting for the wrong reasons... I don't know. But, at this point it doesn't really matter.

This won't end us. I am still in love with him, this doesn't change that. I'll still do the things that make him happy, he's my husband and of course I want him to be happy, but I need to change my thought about him ever taking the lead. (Well, I'll do most of the things, some I can now abandon)

I won't be emailing this blog to him anymore. When I had done that originally it was with his blessing and he had said it was a great idea (he said because he could never remember the blog address) but this blog isn't for him. It's for me. So, it's going to stay for me. (Thank you to Hermione and Ronnie for reminding me of that)

I'm sorry if I sound angry..I'm not really angry at him...like I said I'm starting to be OK with it.. but it's going to take time.