Sigh of... relief?

First, I want to thank everyone who posted comments. I am horrible about answering them but I want to say that I do appreciate all of them. It's good to hear feed back and get helpful insight from those of you out there who may have been in the same situation or are there right now.

TJ and I had our conversation last night. It was pretty short and he was really glad that I came to him with it before I got myself all worked up (see..he doesn't pop on here LOL). For now he said he's not really going "There" with our relationship. Although, we both find aspects of that kind of submission seriously appealing in the bedroom to live it full force all day every day is not something he's all that interested in. "right now" (he did emphasize that phrase a few times during our discussion).

So after our 'chat' he went off to play his war games and I went about my evening. At first I was pretty relieved. Like I said in yesterday's post..I really wasn't sure if I wanted anything sex related to jump in on our DD journey. It's taken so long for us to get to the point that we are at I was really afraid that adding something of that caliber to it would just overwhelm us and we'd throw in the towel again. And I really did not/ do not want that to happen. So first I was like "Whew!"..... at first...

I'll be honest here. The idea of him looking in our closet and saying "Wear the blue sweater today," sends chills down my spine. Now do I want this to occur every time I get dressed, no, probably not. However, for him to take the time to look through my clothes and have a preference to what I wear? Again, shivers. And then wearing those clothes all day and knowing that he wanted me to, that told me to. It would feel like he was hugging me all day long! Or...to go even deeper into my fantasy world... for him to go shopping with me and to simply pick the clothes he liked best on me.. Oh to dream!

Now, I'm not that simple minded to think that picking out my clothes is what D/s is all about. I know there's way more to it then that. River said it best I think "...give every part of my body, mind and soul, my very essence, over to Nick." That's exactly what I would be doing. When we got married I think we kind of did that, though. To a certain degree. I for one have never told TJ "NO" when it came to sex. Never.. (well maybe once when I was pregnant but I don't count that) I always figured, I'm his wife, if he wants it why not. (And...I would never turn down sex cause well..ok again another post LOL) I consider my body, well.. his. And in my fantasy world... he does plenty to and with it. *blush*

For now, though, we are keeping that aspect behind closed doors, when the moon is full, and the children are away.... I'm ok with this because I'm really enjoying this ride and I'm just going to wait and see where it takes us. So far it's taken us to much better communication and a love that goes deeper then words can describe so I can't imagine it taking us anywhere but even better places! The ride is just getting started, though, I think.

Dante d'Amore - TJ would probably fall to the floor laughing if I were to ever call him "Master" and even calling him "Sir" during a spanking makes me feel a bit weird. Something I think, though, I would like to over come if it is something he wants from me. He hasn't pushed the "Sir" thing in a while during a spanking, though.. I wonder if he's given up on it or if it just doesn't interest him anymore....

AG - You said: "I think that as a man that would be a very comfortable word for him perhaps from a sports or athletic point of view" And I think you were completely right. He said that when he mentioned "training" he didn't really mean it the way I saw it but more of just..well...training in the sense you mentioned there. So he was glad (as was I) to have that cleared up.

River - Just don't forget, it's okay to say 'not yet', instead of 'that's not okay' I think this exactly what we did.. we just agreed that now wasn't the right time to move in that direction.

Beki - Just remember,"training" is only a word. So true! Sometimes I take things very literally and it's a good reminder that sometimes a word simply means what it means and there is no hidden meaning behind it. :-)

The destination is not what matters, it's the journey getting there that holds all of the interest!

Rambling thoughts

The other day TJ found out that I had forgotten my cell phone, again, while I had been out. He declared that a spanking would happen that night and the day carried on as planned. The spanking he had planned had arrived and I was standing before him, as I always do, as he listed my wrongdoing and began to ask the usual questions. I, however, was giggling a bit and was really trying to get out of the spanking. In all honesty, I just plain didn't feel like being spanked at that moment.

I told him that spanking because I forgot something seemed silly to me. I don't purposely forget things, I mean is that even possible? Can you tell yourself "Ok..don't forget to forget..." really? Let's be honest here. People forget things because..well..they are human and they forget. So I was standing firm that it had been a while since I had forgotten my phone and that I would do better at remembering it. He was having none of it.

His response: So my rules are silly? and that's when it all went down the tubes. Because not only had I earned a spanking for not having the phone with me, but now he felt I thought his rules weren't serious. He believed that I was laughing at him when I was giggling, when in reality I was nervous and I giggle when I'm nervous.

The spanking happened, I was not a very gracious spankee, either. I kicked, squirmed, tried to cover my butt, and then I dug in my heals and kept quiet. (ever try to outlast someone who is holding a spatula...I don't recommend it...I've yet to win) In the end I promised to do better about keeping my phone with me (hadn't I already done that?) and I agreed that it wasn't sillly because that rule is in place for my safety as well as the safety of our kids.

To top all of it off while we were cuddling afterwards he mentioned that I was starting to 'stray' a bit and that he felt he needed to help me get back on track with things. I've never argued a punishment as I did that night and the fact that he knew I meant it and wasn't just playing shy is what did it, I think. So he decreed that I would recieve a spanking each night for the next three nights to help me remember our roles and how we've decided to manage our marriage. Most people call these "reminder" spankings or "maintance" spankings... he referred to it as.... "Training"

HOLD THE PHONE! ... BACK UP... "Training"? Yup that's what he said and he continued to refer to it as that for the following days. Except when I said "don't call it that" then he'd just roll his eyes and refer to it as our "thing" for the night. And this is where my mind turns..and rolls, and my eyes cross.

Do I want to be "trained"? I am not a dog, a pet, or a slave. (not that being a slave is a bad thing..I often..when the kids are gone and the mood is right...well....that's another blog entry...) But for my 24/7 life..I'm..well me: Mom, Wife, worker, writer.

Although TJ and I have tried adding some aspects of D/s into our marriage throughout the years, it was never very satisfying for either of us (on a 24/7 basis). Now that he has really gotten his confidence up and he's being very consistant I think he may want more power then I originally bargained for. Which..I guess is ok. I'm not sure.

Does he want more from our marriage then simply being HOH? He's often made references about sex to me. As I said we've had D/s intermittently in our lives...does he want to start adding rules on sex and of that nature? Does he want to invade every part of my self and my mind? And this is where I freaked out.

I didn't talk to him. I still haven't. Because I'm trying to get it all worked out in my head. I don't think I want anything sex related to be a DD issue. (except for those nights the kids are away *blush*). Would I be ok if he started telling me how to dress, when I could and couldn't wear panties? To be honest... I don't know! And it's driving me crazy.

To be fair to him. I haven't even asked him about all of this. And this all started because he said the word "Training" to me.

The modern woman in me screamed when he said that word. The softer loving woman in me kinda sighed gently to herself with content. So, really, I think this is about me. I love where our marriage is. That DD has created this bond between us that is much stronger than any bond we've had in the past. Can DD involve more then just simple rules or ideas and spanking?

The right answer I know is: DD is whatever you make it to be.
Everyone's DD is different. What works for one couple will not/may not work for another. I know this in my head but when he said that word: Training. The part of me that sighed..the one who's heart warmed a bit, she freaked out because in the back of her mind she was thinking "No...I don't think things like that are allowed in DD". (Which is absurd I know...like the DD police are going to come running into my living room while I have my pants around my ankles and TJ is spanking me for having yet another orgasm without his permission and arrest all of our paddles for not staying with the DD code of conduct or something!)

So that's where my rambling thoughts are today. Tomorrow they could be anywhere else. Of course I'll be having a talk with TJ tonight. He doesn't really pop on here unless I specifically ask him to, so I know he'll never really find out about what I'm thinking unless I bring it up to him.

I started this post with one train of thought and then it totally turned and this where it ended up. I guess writing it all out does help to work through your thoughts. Thanks for listening!

Not gone..just thinking

I had planned on posting on Wednesday morning since I'm home all alone in the mornings on that day and I can get my thoughts together. However, I've been trying to get my short stories all gathered up for a collection edition that I'll be putting up on Lulu hopefully sometime in the next few weeks. (yes, shameless plug..but hey it's my blog WEG) So I didn't get to post anything..and I'm still trying to gather my thoughts on the subject I wanted to post about.

Things are going great with TJ. He's been very very very consistent with me this past week and I've had a few spankings to deal with. One pretty much every night. But like I said..I'm still trying to get my thoughts straight on the subject. So I'm gonna leave it at that for now and I'll come back to post full length all of the details and my thoughts on it.

This DD thing is really getting my brain going and I've been doing a lot of soul searching on this lately.....

It's ok to not need it

Yesterday, something odd happened to me. I woke up all tense and stressed out. TJ had "forgotten" a spanking the night before and I was feeling a little upset. I knew that it had nothing to do with him forgetting me or that he wasn't on board with all of this, because he has really shown that he is totally on board. Plus, I didn't really want the spanking because...well...it was going to be a punishment for giving him a bit of a chewing out that morning and I didn't feel much like being punished. So I didn't say anything to remind him. Overall, not getting that spanking didn't bother me too much, at least not like it would have about a month or so ago.

So when I woke up with some tension yesterday I wasn't really sure why. Maybe I didn't sleep well. Maybe having to go to work for yet another day didn't sit well with me. Maybe I didn't want that spanking but felt I needed it? Whatever the reason..I was stressed.

I talked with TJ and he admitted to having completely forgotten the spanking because the day had gone so well after the morning tiff that he had forgotten all about it. He asked why I didn't remind him and I admitted I didn't really want that spanking anyway. He just chuckled and we let it go.

Then I sent him a text later on that maybe I needed a stress relief. I have been working a lot more these days and my stress level seems to be rising. He agreed. No problem.

I went to work, came home, ate dinner, put the kids to bed, and hopped on the computer. I was chatting with a friend for a while and TJ came out of his computer room and suggested I get to wrapping it up since I had work in the morning. (dontcha just love working Saturdays!) I realized it was late and logged off.

He was waiting for me in the living room and said we needed to have our "talk". I asked for what since I hadn't done anything. He reminded me that I had asked him for a stress relief.

"Oooh. Yeah. I don't need that anymore. I'm ok, now," I said and he looked at me suspiciously.
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm good. I'm heading up," and I went upstairs, changed and got into bed. A few mintues later he followed me and asked what I was doing. I shrugged. "I said I'm ok.."
"YOu are sure...really?" he asked, with some concern in his voice (he's cute like that)
"Yeah, I feel fine now. Do you think I need one, though?"
"No, you've been good and I leave the matinence stuff up to you, so if you're sure.."
"Yeah, I'm good" and that was it...he tucked me in..kissed me and left me to sleep.

It's just very odd for me to turn down a spanking. I was completely ok with not getting a spanking right before bed. (I do sleep really good after one, though). It didn't bug me at all. I think I suprised TJ, too.

But I was thinking about it today. It's ok to not need a spanking or even to want one. I think we've reached a place where if it's warranted and needed..it's there. And if it's not...it's ok to have it sitting on the shelf staring at us until we are ready again.

Verbal Bondage

Here's a short story I had written a few years back. It's not really DD...actually not at all. It's very erotic and kinky, though. Enjoy!

Verbal Bondage
written by: Measha

The chill in the air wrapped around her tightly as though to blanket her from the warmth. The dampness seeped into her bare flesh as she sat quietly in the corner. She could turn the heater on, it was only a step or two from where she sat, but she would not dare move from her seat.

She raised her eyes from the floor and looked at the metal rings cemented perfectly into the walls, chains hung from them. She was relieved at the time, when he hadn’t restrained her with them. She was glad when he told her to straddle the straight back chair and stare at the wall, she would be free from those cuffs, from the cold biting metal. Only a verbal bondage kept her in place now.

Being chained in place would be too easy for her, she realized that now. There would be no choice, she would stay put because the chains made her do so. But to be free of the chains, the metal cuffs, the bondage to the wall, to be free of those things gave her a choice. Obey or disobey. She had thought she was getting off easy, having done what she did, to merely have to sit in the corner like a naughty school girl. It had actually given her a bit of a thrill when he had given his command.

The silence was giving her a head ache. She wished he’d come back for her, forgive her disobedience, and hold her in his arms, to take the cold from her skin with his warmth. She wiggled slightly on the wooden chair, the wood was rough on her bare skin, almost as if she were sitting on sandpaper. He had not whipped her before placing her in her chair, he had only given the command to sit.

He had brought her down to their private room, the only room of the house that visitors and friends would never enter, did not even know existed. He had walked her with her collar on, being led by her leash, to the center of the room. He removed the leash from the ring in the center of the collar. He took a few steps back and basked in the beauty of the woman before him. Even when disobedient, he found her lovely and yearned for her.

She had stood with her hands folded in front of her gripping onto the skirt of her sundress. She looked at him with wonderment and remorse. She had known he would find the toy, knew it the moment she remembered leaving it out on the dresser. He would find it and he would know that she took advantage of his absence for the morning. He dropped her leash onto the small wooden table that held many more collars, leashes, and other miscellaneous toys for his enjoyment. If someone were to wonder into their room they would be shocked to see the array of devices on the table, but not so shocked as if they opened the closet door a few feet away from the table.

“Have you given yourself to me?” he asked with an evenly calm voice.

“Yes, Sir” she answered in a hushed tone, keeping her eyes at his chest, afraid to look into his eyes and see the disappointment there.

“You’ve given your heart, your mind, and your body to me?” he questioned further picking up a small paddle from the table and caressing it with his fingers.

“Yes, Sir,” she shifted her eyes to the paddle and felt herself clench at the sight of it.

He saw her eyes gazing at the paddle and almost smiled wickedly at the thought of using it on her upturned bottom. He placed the paddle down on the table and picked up the short bull whip he had recently acquired. He heard her intake of breath and knew she would learn much from that whip were he to use it.

“If your body belongs to me, they why did you see fit to touch it without me present or without my consent?” he asked moving his gaze from the whip in his hands to her eyes. She was staring at the weapon he held as she swallowed hard. “Well?” he asked in a more harsh tone.

“I…uh…..I don’t know..” she answered sluggishly as she dropped her shoulders. She wished she had a good reason, a reasonable explanation as to why she had not waited for him to return or did not call him on his cell.

Quietly he dropped the whip back onto the table, taking note of her relief, and walked to her, around her looking down at her. She had remained still, not moving a muscle, breathing deeply, unsure of what was to happen next.

“Put your hands over your head,” he had commanded while standing behind her. She raised her arms and reached upward. She heard movement behind her but did not take the chance of turning her head to see. She felt a cold sharp metal the base of her neck and she sucked in breath. Before the first snip she knew what he was doing.

She gasped as he used the scissors to cut away her sundress, her favorite house garment. She felt tears in her eyes as the cool air hit her bare back, she gasped softly as he cut through the cotton fabric of her sleeves. She wanted to cry out, to look at the damage he had done and see if she could mend the dress. She closed her eyes as he ripped the torn garment from her body, leaving her naked to his eye.

She felt vulnerable now, standing with her arms over her head, naked to him, open to his judgment and pleasure. She opened her eyes slowly to see him now standing in front of her. He looked her over as though he were buying a prized ham and wanted to make sure it was worthy of the price. She looked to the floor, not wanting to witness her own humiliation. He walked to her, his booted toes touching hers.

“This belongs to me,” he stated as he reached a hand out and pinched her nipple hard. She moaned from the exquisite pain of it. He twisted her nipple and smiled coyly as she groaned louder. “This belongs to me,” he stated harshly as he reached down and took hold of her clitoris. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath at his fiery touch. “Does it not?” he asked as he pinched her harder.

“IT DOES,” she cried out, forcing herself to keep her hands up in the air, giving him freedom to do as he wished.

“Spread your legs,” he commanded next, unwavering in his grip on both her nipple and clit. She hesitated a moment, then moved her feet so that they were spread out past her shoulders. Before she could take another breath she felt his finger invade her, pushing hard into her.

“This also belongs to me: your pain, your pleasure,” he stated, he was no longer asking her, he was now telling her as though she did not already know. “Everything about you belongs to me. You get pleasure when I allow it, you feel pain when I allow it, and you are happy with this,” his voice was calm and steady over her grunts and her moans.

As quickly as he had grabbed onto her, he let go. She felt the blood rush into her nipple and she cried out again. She kept her eyes closed as she heard him move around the room, a chair scraping against the cemented floor, the chains on the wall being moved.

“Come here,” he had directed. She turned around, keeping her arms over her head, she walked to him gently as he stood beside the chair. He used that chair when he spanked her, she felt herself clench again. “Sit,” he commanded….”No, sit with your chest against the back of the chair,” he corrected her. She had moved quickly to straddle the chair. “Arms down,” his next command was given. She moved her feet to rest against the legs of the chair, and put her arms around the back and folded them together. She was awaiting the ropes that would bind her in place.

“Stay in that position until I return, do not move,” he commanded and he was gone. She looked at the wall with confusion then. Where had he gone? What was he doing? She could move if she wanted to, she could stand and stretch if needed.

She had betrayed him that morning when she had slipped her vibrator out of the drawer of the nightstand. She had betrayed his trust and his authority when she had smoothly inserted it into herself, deriving pleasure from the even vibrations, from the light pinches she had given her erect nipples, and had cried out with pleasure as she felt the explosion in her as she came.

Perhaps she wanted to be caught, to be punished for what she had done. She had known it was wrong, known she was going against the rules, and against his wishes. Known she was taking privileges where there were none to be taken. Maybe she had left the vibrator on the night stand on purpose as she had run to the washroom to cleanse herself.

The door opened and she could feel his presence. She was cold now, the draft from the door made her press into the chair searching for some warmth. She did not turn her head to see him, but could feel him near her. She felt the tears in her eyes burning, knowing he was thinking of what she had done.

He stood before her, bringing her eyes to look up at him with a tilt of her chin. He looked into her eyes and saw true remorse, saw that she wanted to please him.

“You still wish to be mine,” he stated, there was no question in his tone, he knew it as well as she. “You wish to be under my power, my control,” he looked at her lips and wished he could kiss them, to take away the fear and remorse in her. He remained strong as he knelt before her, putting his hand through the opening of the chair. He lightly ran his fingers over her lips, feeling the wetness there. “How did you cum?” he asked looking up at her as he continued to fondle her.

“Where you laying on your back?” he questioned further when he saw the confusion in her eyes.

“Yes,” she nodded.

“Did you use the vibrator to fuck yourself, or play with your clit?” he went on, continuing his pleasure torture.

“I….fucked myself with the vibrator and used my fingers on my clit,” she answered closing her eyes. It always embarrassed her to talk in such a way. He smiled at her blush, he had done wicked things to her, fucked her in almost every way imaginable, and yet she blushed when telling of her masturbation.

“I had bought something a while ago, sure I would never have to use it, but it would appear that I was wrong,” he stood now, leaving her tingling from his touch. “Stand up,” he commanded and walked to the closet and disappeared for a moment.

When he returned he held up the garment for her to see. In one hand there was a pair of black thongs, at a closer look she could see the small box that had been sewn into them. She had heard of vibrating panties but had never seen a pair. In the other hand he held a leather thong. Two leather straps, one for her waist and one to cover herself from view or touch, the straps were held together with a lock.

Ignoring her pleading eyes, he bent slightly and held out the black thong instructing her to put her legs through the holes. She hesitated a second before obeying his order. He pulled the thongs up into place and looked down at her. “I’ve always liked black on you,” he smiled devilishly. She managed to smile meekly as he unbuckled the chastity belt.

She spread her legs for him without command and he smiled at her for it. He wrapped the leather around her waist and slowly put the second strap through her legs. He carefully adjusted the belt so as not to make it too snug before locking it in place. He held the key up to her nose.

“I will hold onto this,” he smiled as he slipped the small golden key into his pocket. “There is a dress laying on the bed, go put it on.” he instructed and moved out of her path as she nodded. She quickly left the room to change.

She stood in front of her mirror looking at herself. Lightly touching the belt, and wondering how long she would have to endure the stiff leather between her legs. She stood for another moment and jumped as she felt the vibrations of the panties. She closed her eyes and moaned as the vibrations became more intense.

As soon as they had started they ended and she sighed heavily. She heard him calling and was quick to put on the dress he had picked out for her. The blue dress, his favorite. Before leaving the room she looked at her nightstand. The key was missing from the lock, she did not need to test the drawer, he had locked it. She had truly disappointed him. She sighed to herself with a new determination to prove herself obedient, to prove that she wished his dominance. She smiled as she felt the panties begin their sweet dance once again and ran down the stairs to join him for supper.

Weekend of Spankings

This weekend was packed full of spankings. Mostly of the good variety! Last week was my birthday so TJ and I dropped the kids off at the grandparents house for the night on Saturday and spent the evening together. I don't even know how many spankings I got but I know that by the end of the evening my bottom was so sore that he could simply pick up an implement and I wanted to cry.

There was a LOT of playing that night and it was all fun. He switched from hand, to paddle, to wooden stick (I'm sure there's a name for it but basically its a stick about the size of a paint mixer but thicker), belt and I think he even used a spatula.

One funny thing did happen. We were in our bedroom, he had me lay on my stomach and he had my skirt flipped up so my bare bottom was showing. He was using his belt and I was really squirming because at this point he had already spanked me quite a few different times. Our dog, who ususally runs when I'm being spanked, tried to 'rescue' me. She jumped up on the bed and got between me and TJ. She jumped up so that her front paws where on his chest and she started to lick him. He laughed and pushed her down but she was not to be deterred. She laid down next to me, still between the two of us, and she kept trying to lick him. Finally, he got her to move by putting the belt down but she merely changed positions. She laid on the other side of me and got as close to me as she could. (She even tried to lick my red bottom trying to soothe me LOL) I laughed and tried to get her to leave but she was having none of it. So that spanking ended and we moved onto other fun activities.

My bottom is still a bit sore if he pats it, and last night I had a small punishment spanking that felt worse than he had probably intended because of how sore I was from the night before. But otherwise it was a wonderful weekend full of fun and AMAXINGLY HOT SEX *WEG*
Hope you had a wonderful weekend as well!

An episode

The room was dimly lit. All of the blinds had been closed, and the tv was turned off. The only sound in the room was that of her breathing, she could hear it loud and clear. He was standing beside her silently thinking. They had talked, her actions explained, and the punishment announced. He was displeased with her attitude and her actions. He was more upset that he found them in the same position as only a few days before.

He told her to stand up off of the couch. She did as instructed, knowing that he she was in no position to argue with him. She knew when she had flown off the handle at him, known she should stop. Her temper was flared though and she couldn’t get a grip on her tongue. He told her to put her hands on the couch, keep them flat, he instructed.

She hated to do this, this exposing herself for him. She felt him move, his thigh now touching her hip. She bit her lip as he began to spank her with his hand. She grimaced with each stroke as he intensified the punishment. She cried out only lightly as he continued.

He paused for a moment, has hands at her waist. He yanked on her pants pulling them down to her knees. She moaned at this action, the embarrassment she felt. She heard his next move, and she wanted to cry out. The metal of his buckle, the leather being pulled free of its denim restraints. She sucked in her breath and waited as he folded the weapon. She screamed out as the first lick of the belt was felt on her skin. She was given no time to recover before the next stroke landed.

She did her best to keep still, not wanting him to start over, but found the task difficult the longer the punishment went on. She groaned and hissed, her bottom wiggled from the burn. Again, he paused to reposition himself. She saw him from the corner of her eye, he stood back away from her. The belt no longer folded. Holding the buckle in one hand it was hanging loosely from his right hand. Before she could register the meaning she felt the bite of the leather and she jumped from it.

“Not like that,” she begged as she got back in position. He paid her no mind, his decision had been made. She closed her eyes and tried not to cry out as he pulled his hand back once again. The stroke was firm, burned like the rest. She wiggled and danced even though she tried her best to keep still. She could tell that he was trying to control the whip of the belt, the strokes though harsh were landing on target. She hissed when her thighs were struck, and she bolted upright when the belt lashed her bare skin.

She felt the intensity lessen with each stroke and he had refolded the belt. Just when she thought she could stand no more, he dropped the belt and told her they were done. She pulled up her pants, hating them around her ankles. He pulled her into his arms and her heart swelled from his comfort. He led his wife, this woman he loved, up to their bed.

He gave her the kisses and hugs that she needed. He laid her on her stomach and pulled her pants down once again. No punishment now, only soothing massage. He assured her he loved her and that he would never give up on her. She cried softly into her pillow, realizing that she had been afraid. He soothed her fears and he comforted her. She felt so loved, so cared for, so protected. She still felt remorse for what she had done, but his loving correction had taken the guilt away. They were closer now, her heart open to him.

She felt safe in his arms and she knew her heart was safe with him. The punishment was over and the loving began…..

What's Happening

I've been away from posting for a bit because life has just gotten away from me again. The entire family was down with the stomach flu over the weekend and just when the kids were getting over it, I caught it. Lucky me! And on my Birthday to make it even more insulting!

I've also been back to work full time covering for someone who's on leave so I've had next to no time to blog or do much else. (But I have found time to get myself in trouble lol) I've been working on a story that I'm hoping to have up on lulu by the end of February. This one will be available in paperback or as an e-book. Providing I keep up with my writing, which I've actually been able to do so there's hope for me yet.

Just when I thought that TJ could never suprise me with anything DD related, he threw me a curve ball last night. Usually, I know if I've earned myself a spanking. A lot of those times I think I've earned something and he's oblivious, so last night was a bit of a shock.

I had worked late last night and had stopped off to pick up some odds and ends for the house on the way home. As I was perusing the store I ran across a work out video that had been suggested and it was only about 14 bucks so I quickly pulled out my cell to ask TJ if I could buy it. For some reason the call to his cell wasn't working so I called the house (which I try to avoid at night because I know the baby is probably asleep in the living room and I don't want to wake a sleeping baby!). He agreed to let me buy it with the promise that I actually use it, then went on to tell me to call his cell at night yadda yadda. I tried to explain about the signal but he started saying something and I was annoyed so I said "Ok, whatever, goodbye" and I hung up. A few moments later I got this text:
"Ok, no video"
My reply: "Why?"
His: "Don't ever hang up on me"
Me: "I said bye"
His: You know what you did, don't try to play it off
Me: "Fine"
....so the video was not purchased.

Later on I asked him when I could buy the video and his response was "When you learn proper phone etiquette" (Which if you read carefully, I did say goodbye, but apparently I'm supposed to wait for his goodbye before hanging up...) I tried to explain my point on the matter and he said "Do we really need to discuss this?" and I said "No" and it was dropped.

I spent the rest of my evening chatting with online friends then told him I was heading to bed. He told to wait a minute, he had to "talk" to me. I was completely caught off guard. He took me into the kitchen and told me to put my hands flat on the counter top and keep my feet flat on the floor. I kept asking him why but he said "Do as I tell you," I finally complied because he had that look in his eyes that told me that it was best not to argue anymore. He picked up the wooden back scratcher that was on the counter and I asked again what I was in trouble for.

He lectured me about hanging up on him, about disrespect, and about my attitude. He emphasised that he felt that he'd been too lenient and now he was really going to be strict. And I think the man actually means it. This is the third spanking I've gotten in the past few weeks because of my "attitude".

I had already changed into my nightgown and I had on his oversized hooded sweatshirt so my bottom was covered, but he went and picked those up and pushed them over my hips so they would stay out of his way. Now, I've been wanting a new implement.... A crop, a strap, something but NEVER do I want to see that back scratcher again.

It doesn't look that severe, but its thin and that STINGS. I've never been caned but I have to assume it feels similar to this thing. He of course used the backside of it, not wanting to actually hurt me, but it was horrid. At least to me, especially since there was no warm up.

I danced around quite a bit, which is why I HATE the stand up position. He just kept telling me to put my hands back on the counter top. All in all the spanking lasted about 7 minutes and a lot of that was me hissing and jumping around. I think that the fact that he did it all on his own, his idea, no prompting from me whatsoever really made more of an impact. I am trying to watch my attitude but I think this is probably the biggest hurdle I have.

I of course promised to try harder, which I will, not just because I'd like to avoid another meeting with that damn scratcher but because I don't want to dissappoint him or myself. I can do this and thankfully he's so damn loving about the whole thing even when I mess up I know he loves me.

I wonder what he meant though when he commented about "making up for lost time" ...

The after feeling

I boasted too soon about not having a spanking all year! Well, I had mentioned to TJ that I hadn't and of course he felt the need to change that. So that night he had given me a reminder spanking. Simple, over his lap with his hand. Enough to warm my bottom for a bit and for me to feel loved. It wasn't harsh or anything and there was no real point except to give me a spanking. It was wonderful. I slept like a baby and felt happy and loved!

Then yesterday I had earned myself a punishment. I felt really really bad about what I had done because it could have caused him a lot of trouble at work. (I had not put any gas in his car..after using it for a few days and he was late to work for a big meeting because he had to stop to get some. This is a specific rule he had set and I flat out broke it)

The spanking wasn't that horrible. I was already very sorry because of the trouble I caused him so he had gone pretty easy on me. He used his belt and his hand and my bottom was completely warm and red afterwards. He did a lot of snuggling with me while I cried; because I felt badly not becuase the spanking hurt.

What I found odd is that I was still felt very upset with myself over what I had done. He had made several comments during the spanking. One of which was "I'm an easy guy to please and live with". That is so true! He doesn't set many rules, in fact there are only 2 "rules". He also said that when I disobey his rules it makes him feel like I don't think he's important enough to listen to. His words really hit me deep in my mind.

He is very loving and he wants to keep me safe. I've asked for this lifestyle and yet I still find it hard to follow his "Rules". I felt horrible even after the spanking and still feel a bit guilty today. He's told me that it's been dealt with and that its' over. He didn't get into trouble (he had been very lucky) and that everything was ok.

I wonder if he hadn't gone so easy on me if I wouldn't have felt any guilt once it was all over. I cried A LOT after the spanking and he held me while I blubbered all over his chest.

When he tucked me in he wanted a little "nook nook". Actually...what he said was "You could butter my toast, if you want..." with an evil grin (Thanks Spanky for that phrase by the way)
I giggled and we kissed a bit but that was it. I explained that mentally I wasn't ready for anything physical like that and he was completly understanding.

I have the best husband in the world! Even though he knew I was sorry he didn't let that stop him from dishing out the punishment I had earned. He also gave me all the love I needed afterwards without expecting anything in return.

Yes, I'm a very lucky woman indeed!

I'm not sure

I've been browsing the internet lately. Checking out other blogs, other sites, doing a bit of window shopping and I've come up with a conclusion. I want... no...scratch that... I NEED a new implement of some sort. I mean, yeah, we have a handful of things to play with or to be wielded on the field of battle but there's something missing.

For example we only have one leather type implement. Its a small black leather paddle that I bought at least 8 yrs ago and it's only been used a handful of times. We have three wooden paddles, two of which I have been reaquainted with in the past month (ouch and DAMN I think I will name them lol) Then there's the scraper, the wooden spatula he likes, and the numerous wooden spoons we have in the kitchen (I just won't use anything other than wood or it might scratch my pans) That's it. I don't count his belt because he very rarely uses that... but...let me digress just for a moment here...stick with me I'll come back to this thought...

I LOVE the sound of a man unbuckling his belt. When MY MAN is unbuckling his belt. Even when it isn't spanking related (which is almost always cos like I said its rare he uses it). I can be in the next room and hear that familiar clank of the metal buckle and my ears perk up, and the sound of the belt being pulled free from the loops of his pants. Then I imagine him folding it over in his hands.. and I get all atwitter! Just the thought of that sound.. yummy...is all I can say.. ok...now back to my implement problem.

I need a new one. I'm just not sure which route to go. And I feel wierd, in a way, shopping for something that is going to be used to punish me. When I really think about, I'm looking at these objects that are going to make contact (very harshly) with my bottom on more then one occassion (if past history tells me anything). Shouldn't I be looking at the light fluffly feathery ones? You might think

However, I'm looking at straps. Yep, I want a strap. It just looks very serious...and well...sometimes I need a serious wuppin. There's one in particular I'm looking at but TJ said it was too much money for right now. So I'm gonna save my pennies and see if I scrape up enough to buy it. However, in the meantime (cos me saving money to spend on myself doesn't happen to easily) I'm browsing all over the place.

There's no way I'm ready to get a cane. I don't care how many people tell me how quiet it is, or how it's not THAT bad... I ain't doin it! And I don't really need any more paddles.. although I did see a quite nice one at Leatherthorn that I would love to have. It's the rose paddle. But I don't really need another paddle, like I said, so I'm gonna wait on that.

The other option I'm toying with is that I would really kind of like to have a riding crop. There are sooo many avenues to take with a crop. It can definately be used for a punshment but can also very easily be used for fun spanking as well. AND it can be used for kinky time in the bedroom. One of my fantasies...one that I only recently told TJ about...well... maybe in another post.. *blush*

I just thought of something.. I haven't had a spanking ALL YEAR! LOL I might have to let TJ know and see if he wants to rectify that! And since I've actaully been behaving really well I think I deserve a good girl spankin! I'll have to text him. After I check out a few more implement sites online....