Hum drum..

I am in a really crappy mood today. I can't justify it at all, I'm just in a bad mood.

I think I tried to do too many things today.. work, school, open house at 6yr olds school, cut lawn, do a load of laundry, write, bathe children. Because I cut the grass after work I didn't change in my skirt instead I opted to put on some jeans..and I have to admit I felt different. I didn't feel very girly, even though I was still wearing my jewelry and a really nice t-shirt, I just felt more empowered...but not in a good way, like in a take charge, get out of my way - way... but that has to be a very silly thing...for my clothing to ruin my mood?

No..I'm gonna say it's because I did too much today and haven't had a second alone with TJ today. That's what it is. I've been such a grouch today with him I'm sure he's upstairs in his tub grateful to be away from me.

I got a spanking the other night. Apparently TJ doesn't think my new sandals were a necessary purchase. You know...that was the first time I have been spanked for my spending money on something frivolous. I had also bought new panties recently and he noticed them while I was laying over his lap.

"These are nice panties....now you'll have to pay for them..." he said as he switched from using his hand to the wooden frat paddle. YUCK.

It wasn't horrible..well at the time it stung like the very hell from whence that damn thing came...but afterward, the sting went right away...I think he's out of practice...he's forgotten that a longer spanking leaves a longer impression...but I won't be reminding him.

She should be....

Some qualities a submissive should have (remember, these are just things in my head and really shouldn't be taken as anything other than frivolous thinking and not some hard line rule for anyone)

1. Have the want/need to be obedient. I remember when I was first starting to find my interest in all of this submission stuff, I wanted nothing more than for someone to make me obey them. Because, you see, if he made me than it wasn't my fault that I was being obedient. It would be okay to shed the feminist ideals and follow a man's lead, it would be his doing, not my own. Obviously, that isn't the way to go. When a woman offers her submission freely and with the true desire to be led and to be submissive to the man she loves, it makes for a much more fertile garden for their relationship to grow.

2. Be Open to suggestions/demands. She has to be open to learning new things. Not just sexually, he may want his shirts ironed a different way than she is used to doing. She needs to be able to accept that her way isn't the only way, and most likely won't be the right way if he says it's not.

3. Be strong. Some people misconstrue being submissive with being a doormat. A recently had a conversation with someone about me being submissive and she just kept shaking her head and saying "I just don't see you as being submissive," and I explained that my submission to TJ did not mean that I did know what I want or that I was not willing to ask or even demand for what I need. The submissive woman can not have the mindset that she is "less than" her Dom/Husband/Master/ Etc.. she is just as important, she is just as wonderful. Her needs have a place, too in the relationship and if they aren't met the relationship will end. (Just like in a vanilla relationship) So the submissive woman needs to be able to respectfully put her foot down and say "This is what I need out of this relationship..." and as long as it is done with respect I think any Top would be able to handle it. Being strong doesn't mean being overbearing and nagging, it means being able to express your needs and wants...and being a submissive also means understanding the difference between wants and needs.

4. Trustworthy. As with any relationship, there has to be trust and dependability. If he can't spank her for being naughty without worrying that she's gonna call the cops on him...the relationship is going to suffer. If she throws his dominance in his face when she gets a little upset with him and makes idle threats of leaving or turning him in for "abuse" than there will definitely be issues and the relationship will go no where and real quick.



Here's a mistake I made the other day that TJ brought my attention to, I didn't really realize what I had been doing...

TJ and I had a little quibble kind of serious but fixable...anyway...in the middle of our chat he reached over and starting touching me. This usually means he's done with the conversation and wants to move on to make up time. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and he said "So?"

"You can't just use me!" I blurted out...a small attempt at playing hard to get.
"Don't do that. You can't say that. Cos then when I do try to, I feel guilty and you get upset if I never do,"

He got me there. Even though I wasn't really meaning it, I was just teasing him a bit, because I wanted to be conquered at the moment...it sends messy signals. So..I apologized and well.... he got his. WEG

He needs to be..

The Dominant, HOH, Top, Master or whatever name you have chosen for the head honcho in the relationship, needs to have a few qualities...

1. Dependable. He can't go around making idle promises or threats. If he says he's going to do something he has to do it. Even (almost especially) the trivial things. She needs to know that he's taking care of her even in the non sexual, non spanking ways. If she has to constantly worry about "did he pay the water bill?" "Did he take the trash out, it's pick up day" "Did he remember to get the kids from school today..." etc... how can she relinquish control? Now, this is not to say that he can't be human...everyone forgets trash day now and then...and who hasn't forgotten to mail a bill once in a while...but the majority of the time..if he said he's gonna do it...he better do it.

2. Sturdy. He can't be wishy washy. If he has a preference..state it and stand by it. Don't piddle around the bush... "Uh..I dunno...maybe...well...what do you think?" NO. If he likes his woman shaved, just say it. If he wants her to call before she leaves work so that he knows to expect her home, tell her!

3. Unmoved but reasonable. When his lady is out of line he needs to be unmoved by her "excuses", while being reasonable in his expectations.

4. Trustworthy. This is an absolute MUST for any relationship, as far as I'm concerned, but even more so when DD or D/s or M/s is involved. If you don't trust the man holding the paddle, step away and rethink the situation. This also goes hand in hand with #1. If you can't depend on him, trusting him is a very hard thing to do. There is so much more to D/s than sex and if he can't take care of things for normal day to day things, how can you trust him with your being, your heart and your soul?

These are just things that have been floating around my head today. I might think up a list of qualities she should have...

It's what you crave

Yesterday, I posted about wanting a spanking or at least I fantasized a bit about it. Today, while I was walking this morning I put more thought to it.

I crave to feel his dominance. That is really what I want, and when he is spanking me I can feel it, it's tangible at that moment. It's unmistakable during that time who is the dominant person and who is not, no reason to believe that I'm in control what so ever.

I've done my best to simply focus on my submission, to obey, to serve, to follow rules (Even rules he really doesn't give a hoot about) and it's going okay. He's thrilled to his toes and I am happy on some level, too. But, as I was walking this morning and planning my day in my head..it occurred to me that by focusing only on me...am I in more control now than before?

He dictates nothing. I'm following my own routine, my own rules (along with the few he has set) and go along submitting to him in my way. He's had really no participation in this...and that's what I had set out to do, with the hope that he will jump in the boat with me at some point. I'm not complaining...or at least that isn't really my intention...and I do not plan on deviating from this behavior. But I'm craving his dominance as much as one craves chocolate. I need to feel it, to touch it, to hear it, to see it. Some sign that he truly is the one in control around here and it isn't just me "playing the submissive".

I am feeling frustrated and lonely today, but it will pass, it always does.

In need of a cold shower

I recently commented on a post by Poppy that I don't think I liked gg spankings.. actaully...let me find my response...one sec while I dig...ok, got it... here it is

"I used to crave good girl spankings, at times I still think I would like one. However, whenever TJ has obliged me.... I never came out of it all warm and fuzzy, I usually came out sulking and a bit bitter. Perhaps because I wasn't looking for a spanking but more of a fondling of sorts. Hmm...now I have to re-think this whole thing."

And I still stand by this response, but it's been so damn long since I've gotten a spanking I'm wondering if maybe I should give it another go. I surely don't want a punishment, although I feel loved and cared for afterwards, there's always the dark cloud hanging over the whole thing. I don't even want the pain of a spanking...

I think what I am craving today, and have have been for several days, is a reminder of who and what we are to each other. The intimacy of it, the feel of his knees beneath my belly as I lay over his lap on the couch and he begins to gently rub his hand over my bottom. The soft caress he may give me, the tracing of my bum with his fingertips, and the warm slaps of the flat of his hand against the bare skin of my backside. The warmth that spreads evenly and eventually turns into a heat that is near to unbearable, but not entirely so.

The small breaks he takes to remind me that he's in charge and that I am his wife and will obey his will and law. The loving strokes he gives while he explains that when I am naughty, he will correct my behavior and that he will not tolerate any attitude from me. He reminds me of the rules and maybe even adds one or two, something new he wants to add to our marriage to this dynamic of ours.

When it's over my skin is red and glowing and he can barely stand the wait until we get up the stairs to our bedroom and he can feel the heat of my bottom against him as he...... yes...it's been far too long!

Small changes

Asking TJ his opinion about things has always been something that I did, it was listening to his opinion that I have had trouble doing! I would ask him which shirt he thought was best, he'd answer and sometimes I'd listen and sometimes I'd over rule him.

No more!

Now when I ask him his opinion, his opinion becomes law...at least to me. I am in dire need of new shoes to match all the nice skirts I have obtained lately. TJ didn't feel like going to the store with me, as we had already spent several hours running errands with the kids, so I browsed online first before I headed out. I showed him several pair of shoes I thought were cute and he said no to about 3/4s of them. One pair he said he didn't care for were really cute and I kinda was hoping he'd like them..but...I closed the window anyway. Having in my head the three pairs he and I agreed on I went to the store to try them on. They looked wonderful but the store didn't have the colors I wanted so I ended up not getting anything.

This morning, I came down to the kitchen already dressed for the day and I asked him if the skirt looked ok..it's a bit old and I wanted to make sure it wasn't faded. He said he liked the outfit and said "You do need new shoes."

To everyone else, this may be nothing. So he made a comment about my shoes, so what? He had an opinion and he expressed it without me prodding him for it.

Yesterday as I was making dinner, I had on my apron (just like he likes) and he said "Oh! We should have picked you up a new apron while we were out this morning," (cos my apron is 11 yrs old, yellow with red hot peppers all over it...it was a wedding gift...) When I went out for shoe shopping I also browsed for aprons... I found not a single apron at the two stores I went to, so back to the web and have found a very pretty apron that I am hoping to purchase.

TJ looked at me this morning and shook his head smiling at me. When I asked him what he was laughing about he said "It took 30 years, but you are finally a girl!" and I just grinned back at him.

"Would you like to slip into my sweat pants and your old flannel shirts?" and he shook his head no, then pinched my bottom...saying something about easy access and skirts.

Which brings me to the best advantage of wearing a skirt/dress, to some I was simply sitting on TJ's lap in the living room...the truth...well.... *GRIN*

Seriously...I need to take a seminar on titles!

This past week has been a busy week...as are most weeks around here. TJ has been playfully swatting me for days. This morning he swatted my bottom so hard it took a few seconds for me to catch my breath from the shock of it. (He was awfully proud of himself!)

He started playing around with the a wooden dowel rod that he found in the bedroom behind the door and was eyeing me with it.

"You are really aching to spank my bottom!" I accused him.

"Yes! It's been a while and I'm not used to it," he swooshed the thing through the air a few times for effect and put it away. Thankfully! I am not sure what it was doing up in our room and I have plans to go back up there and hide it..or throw it away.

I'm half tempted just to screw up a little so that he can get the spanking out of his system. I've mentioned that he can give a spanking just to give a spanking but he doesn't seem to keen on that idea. But if something doesn't happen soon, his playful swats are going to be leaving quite a bruise!

In all seriousness, I'm glad that I haven't earned a spanking in a while. I've been mostly very relaxed these past few weeks. I'm starting to see that when I back off, he steps up. I have to trust more and take more risks. I've always thought that I was vulnerable with TJ...but not as vulnerable as I should be. He's going to mess up, and I'm going to mess up but to continue guarding myself from his screw ups only keeps me in control of things that I don't want to be in control of.

One little thing at a time.

Goals during sex.

The other night TJ was feeling frisky, and me being the obedient wife that I am, would never say no. Ok, that was supposed to be sarcastic, but it is true. I have only told him "no" for sex one time in our marriage. It's not that I'm always in the mood, well...ok...if I'm not at the beginning I can get there pretty quick...but that's not the real reason I don't say "no".

I don't turn him down because I don't have a good reason to. I mean it's fun, it's intimate, it isn't exactly hard work... there really is no good reason...well..ok..illness would be a good reason but not a "headache" reason, I mean like an actual illness. In which case he wouldn't ask for it anyway. I'm digressing again...

So back to the other night. TJ gets into bed, but suddenly remembers something and has to hop back out to handle whatever it was. As he ducked out of the bedroom he said "Don't go to sleep, I'll be back in 5 minutes. I have plans for you," So..I didn't fall asleep and his plans...well..he had sex on the brain.

Towards the end I let him know that I was where near "the end" and he didn't have to wait for me. (Sexy talk..I know) He asked me if I wanted him to 'use me' to which I answered in the affirmative...he needed no further encouragement.

Afterwards, when we where laying in bed, I asked him if he thought it was odd that I could get just as much satisfaction without having an orgasm as I did having one. I don't remember his exact words but basically he said that it depended on what you were looking to get out of sex.

I enjoy sex with TJ because I love him, it's something I only do with him, it's an expression of our passion for each other, and there's the physical fun stuff too! I don't need to orgasm (Although, I do not like it when he forbids me to) in order to enjoy the activity as long as he enjoyed himself. The ending is really just the icing on the cake, I still enjoy the cake even if I don't get to east the frosting. Does this make any sense to anyone other than me?

I'm not saying I don't love the ending I do, and TJ loves when I get there. But it's not an essential part of the equation for me. I want to please him, and if I do that than I am pleased. If I orgasm, even more of a smile will cross his lips (Unless he's being mean and won't let me...which really isn't very often).

I don't want to give the impression that he doesn't care if I finish or not...he does. He doesn't withold them from me unless he has a reason, generally he wants me to. It has taken a long time to get him to understand that even though I love to "finish" it's not always the "goal" for me. The goal is to please him, and in doing so, I will please myself....and if I only wanted the "goal"...I'd just please myself anyway WEG.

I've not talked about sex really on here that much, but I just wanted to work it out in my head. I've always loved sex and I always will...and sometimes I think I'm the only woman in the world who thinks it's just fine not to orgasm.

A friend at work complains that her husband is always bugging her for sex. She says she feels bad because the man has to beg and plead for her to let him have sex with her, and eventually she gives in. When I asked her what the big deal was, just have sex, it's not like it's going to take hours upon hours, just give him some, she responds with "I'm so tired," or "I don't feel like it". When I suggested she just give it up for him and not require a finish line for herself she gave me the oddest look.

I don't make that suggestion anymore in public.

A struggle

I am doing my best to turn my focus on to my own self. How I behave and how I react to others behavior, and I'm not doing all that bad. It's just this one tiny area I'm having a really hard time with.

TJ has accepted responsibility for something...signing the kids up for a program at the park, and I am doing my very best to back off, not to get in his way, or nag. I am trying very hard to either cheer his success or... well...that's where I'm stuck.

Should he not succeed. Should he do the usual thing he does, and completely forget. What do I do then? I have every intention of doing nothing to rectify the situation. This ball is in his hands and should he drop it...it will either be him that picks it up or it will simply roll away on the ground. I will not swoop in and fix it; it will stay broken. And it sucks for the kids because there is a chance they won't get signed up for this particular program. (Though, I'm pretty sure they have long forgotten about it) But how do I react?

Well, I know how I will react..I will get angry, disappointed, feel let down, annoyed, frustrated...etc. The question really is what will I do? Will I yell? Will I point out that once again he has not done something he promised me he would take care of? Will I cry? Will I pout? Will I scream and bang my fists on the table? Or will I simply let it go and hope he takes the next opportunity to step up and be the responsible man I know he can be?

To be honest I don't know what I will do. I have asked him a few times if he knew when the program started and each time he has said "Oh crap! I need to do that tonight!". I haven't pressured him, I haven't rolled my eyes, I've simply said "Well, let me know. I think it runs on Saturdays and I want to make sure I'm not working that day so I can be there for the first day,"

I'll be honest, again, and say I got frustrated with it and finally looked it up to see when the first day is, I'm not working and if he gets them signed up it will be a great day.

I am hoping that I can simply point out to him that he didn't do it and that I will be respectful and let it go... actually, I'm hoping he does it and proves me wrong for having all this anxiety about it. He said he'll do it. I have to trust that he is going to do it! He will do it!

He'll do it....he'll do it...he'll do it. And if he doesn't...I will be good. I will not scream and yell and have a fit. I will simply let it go...but I will NOT fix it. It just won't get done. Focus on me...focus on my reaction...

Do I sound like a broken self help book?

Clothing.

Yesterday, I talked briefly about the change of clothing. I have put away my jeans and sweats and replaced them with skirts and a dress. At first I did this simply at a suggestion from another woman, not really thinking it would make that much of a difference. Wow! I was wrong! Taking off my scrubs and slipping into a skirt really does transform my mindset. I can't really say that I feel more "subbie" when I have a skirt on...well...maybe that is a good way to say it. I do know that I feel much more feminine. I do feel more soft natured and am way more mindful of who and what I am. I know...seems kinda silly to get all those feelings simply by donning a skirt; however that's how it's been. I walk slower, sway my hips a bit more, and am more conscience of my posture. Cos, if you are going to wear a pretty skirt and a nice top you need to make sure you aren't popping out of places you don't want to be popping out of. And really....what's the point of a nice outfit if you are all wrinkled and have mustard stains on your shirt? I put on makeup every day now. I used to put on make up one day and even though I washed my face, there seemed to always be a little left behind. So I could put on mascara and eyeliner on Monday and wouldn't really need to re-apply until Wed or Thursday..I know...not the most girlish behavior. Now, I make sure I have washed all of the makeup off each day and re-apply a fresh face. I only wear eye liner and mascara..maybe some eyeshadow so it's not that big of a deal to do it daily, I have learned. TJ doesn't like tons of make up...so I don't do the full face thing...I don't think I would know how, anyway. I've also started wearing a necklace and earrings every day. I'm telling you, all of these things have really got my mind in a better place...which is just kinda silly to me. To look better is to feel better?? I've always believed that the clothing does not make the person...perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps, I was wrong about a lot of things.

Hi there.....

I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about this past week, but haven't had a second to do so. Things are starting to go well, things are starting to look up...I think. You know me, this week it's all sunshine and next week it's all gloom.

I've started getting up at 5 am each morning and going for a long walk. Amazing! I have felt more energy and my days are so much more upbeat, and I get to think. I've been thinking a lot about my submission to TJ. There are still a few things about TJ that worry me or rather piss me off, but when compared to the other wonderful things, it's not that huge of a deal...at the moment, anyway. Anyway, what I've been thinking about is the difference between submission and subservience.

I do enjoy getting TJ a cup of tea, doing his laundry, and even making his lunch (when time permits) but I do not do these things because I'm the submissive one. I do these things because I enjoy doing it. I've made it a point this week of getting him a glass of water when he gets home from work. Not because he has asked me to or that he expects is, but because I know that's the first thing he does when he gets home, so I've just taken it upon myself to get the glass of water and place it on the counter for him. He hasn't really commented on it other than to be surprised and give me a thanks, and a kiss. At first I worried that I was starting to get into a mode of "serving" him that was going to make me feel uneasy. However, it hasn't happened.

I don't do the little things for him because he requires it, I do them because I love the smile on his face when I do. The warm kiss he gives me when I bring him a cup of tea in the evening is worth the two seconds it takes to put the tea bag in the cup with some hot water. I have also found that the more little things I do for him, the more little things he does for me. He is more affectionate, more loving, and he will offer to help with things I would normally just take care of.

I used to want him to make me a list of things to do. A "rule" list. Now, I just figure...if I want to bring him his tea each night...do it. Why make him make me? If I want to have a glass of water ready for him when he gets home...do it. No need to wait for a "command", I know it will make him happy, and isn't that the goal? To make each other happy? Maybe this doesn't really fall under the "submissive" category...perhaps more under the "just being nice" category. And, I'm working on not expecting things back in return... working on it.... LOL

The skirts I mentioned previously.

I have stuck to it. I have worn a skirt or dress every day this week, except for at work cos I have to wear scrubs. TJ has commented on it. He is also enjoying my new habit of sleeping in the buff.

The more submissive I behave the more Dominant he behaves. Even for subtle little things.

The other night I came home from work (12 hr shift) and my phone rang just as I walked in the door, it was my sister. I answered the call and started to put my purse down and get my coat off, TJ didn't say anything, just walked out of the room. I coudl tell he wasn't all that thrilled though.

A little while later, after I had given him a kiss goodnight and started to head up stairs, he called me back.

"Hey, when you walk in the door, you don't answer your phone. You kiss me hello and talk to me, you can call back who ever is calling. You haven't seen me all day and I had to wait until you were done on the phone to even get a kiss." And he said all seductively dommish. I just stared at him a second before nodding my head. He kissed me again and sent me off to bed with a pinch to my bottom.

So, things have been crazy here with work, the kids, and getting a paper for my class written, but things are also good. Not great, yet, but I can only work on me...and I am hard work!

I hate making up titles

It was a good day. I was able to keep myself not only out of trouble, but in a good (exhausted but good) mood all day long. My diet is completely blown for today, but I will get back on track first thing in the morning!

TJ did not forget about me last night. As soon as I logged off of here I went to tell him good night and he said "Don't go trying to sneak away...come in here," and he cleared the usual spot for me to stand. I did as good of a job as I could standing still for him as he spanked me with his belt (his favorite thing lately is to use his belt...I hate the damn belt). I did move a few times, but I got right back into place. I went into the spanking with the mindset that I had earned it, I had asked for it, and that I was going to do my best to take it with grace...and I did. I went to bed calm and relaxed and I think he was happy with me. He didn't say it, and maybe he didn't even notice my effort..but i noticed it and I also noticed at how much more positive the experience was for me because of it.

I didn't have any residual guilt or irritation that I sometimes get after a spanking. I think that's because when I go into with the "just get it over with" mentality it leaves a sour aftertaste, but when I go in with my heart open and my mind focused, I come out with such a warmth and calm sensation it's hard to describe.

I don't plan on earning any more punishments for a while and i have a new goal in mind. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping for some new clothes, with TJ's permission of course. I am going to try dressing more "feminine", TJ loves me in jeans and t-shirts but he also loves to see the softer side of me. So, to the store I go...I loathe clothes shopping but it's only a few skirts, how hard can that be?

Another day and another dollar..

Ok, fine...I give up. I can not simply ignore this part of me. I know it's only been a few days, but I can't fathom just leaving it all behind and never looking back at it. So. That said. I think this blog is going to change a bit. I think it's going to become more about me and less about "TJ and me". At least, that's my intent.

I am going to start thinking about my submission and less about his domination. Yes. That sounds like a good idea. I have a feeling that if I truly submit, if I give it my all even when I think he's not watching...he'll start watching.

I know..I know...I shot down that theory in my last post..but hey, i've changed my mind (again!). This afternoon I was cooking (An awesome dinner of schnitzel and spatzel) and with the flour starting to fly I rembered TJ telling me long ago that I should wear my apron when I'm cooking. I can not tell you how many shirts I have ruined by not doing so. I instantly went and grabbed the apron that hangs in the laundry room. TJ was really happy to see me wearing it when he came in from the back yard. He commented on how much he loved to see me wearing it...so I shall be wearing it each time I cook....just cos he likes it. I know..big deal..but to me it's a small step in the right direction.

I tried really hard today to be in a submissive mind frame; however, the five trips to the grocery store and several easter things to do got to the better of me. I started to snap and at one point TJ marched over to me and swatted my backside hard. I quieted down a bit and said "I'm having a bad day," and he agreed. A few minutes later he said we'd be having a "refresher" this evening.

I commented that I thought we weren't doing "That" anymore. He laughed and asked where I got a crazy idea like that. I said "Well, I told you...I said a few days ago.." and he laughed harder.

"We are still doing that. You don't get to just turn it off," and he walked out still smiling to himself. So, who knows what will transpire. I'm not really even caring if it actually happens, just that he said that was enough to calm me down and get my head back on straight. And, if he actually does remember...I'll take what he dishes out with as much grace as I can muster. Should he forget...well...I'll just go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day.

No more giving up. No more pretending like I can just flip a switch and ignore a side of me that isn't going to go away. No more!



On a fun note. libby over at a submissive's musings was kind enough to bestow upon me a beautiful blogger award. Thank you libby, you have been more help to me than you may know. I believe I am now supposed to pass it on to three more bloggers. So here they are.

Katia, because she is such a warm and wonderful person that you can't help but become friends with her. She is a talented writer as well as a good friend.

Hermoine, because her blog just gives me the smiles I need on the days I need them the most.

Poppy, because I admire her writing very much. I hope one day to have one drop of the talent that she has, and what she has to say is just as wonderful as the way she says it!

Well there ya go... Now....I'm off to finish making the easter cake and then who knows...

"Don't cry because it's over....smile because it happened" - Dr. Suess

I have no more vacation time coming to me until June so there will be no day together that TJ would have liked. Oh well.

I was thinking about submission this morning. I know that some will say if you submit to him he will lead. I am no longer sure that's true. Perhaps in some cases, maybe sometimes that works. However, I don't think that's the case all the time. If you submit to someone who really could care less if you do...is there any actual gratification from it?

TJ has no idea what power he holds and therefore he is useless with it. I don't say that to be disrespectful, I truly don't. I have come to the conclusion that this isn't going to work with us. It just isn't. And I'm starting to be OK with that. Starting to be OK.. not yet but I'm getting there.

To me submitting to someone who is oblivious to it is a waste of energy and it hurts. When I'm doing the things that make him happy (household stuff, taking care of him, and sexual stuff) and he's not participating, or he's reaping the benefits but not putting any energy towards being the Dominant partner I feel taken advantage of, not submissive. Maybe I'm submitting for the wrong reasons... I don't know. But, at this point it doesn't really matter.

This won't end us. I am still in love with him, this doesn't change that. I'll still do the things that make him happy, he's my husband and of course I want him to be happy, but I need to change my thought about him ever taking the lead. (Well, I'll do most of the things, some I can now abandon)

I won't be emailing this blog to him anymore. When I had done that originally it was with his blessing and he had said it was a great idea (he said because he could never remember the blog address) but this blog isn't for him. It's for me. So, it's going to stay for me. (Thank you to Hermione and Ronnie for reminding me of that)

I'm sorry if I sound angry..I'm not really angry at him...like I said I'm starting to be OK with it.. but it's going to take time.