Getting over it

I think one of the hardest things about DD that TJ has trouble understanding (and this may be true for a lot of HOH's) is sometimes the spanking isn't just for a punishment... sometimes it's because I need to forgive myself... in a way.

Last week I did something stupid...REALLY stupid that put myself and my children in danger. I won't go into specifics (mostly because what I did was so utterly stupid I'm too embarrassed to say...) but it was dangerous and I knew better. When TJ found out he was FURIOUS. I was totally in agreement with him and I felt horrible from the moment I had realized what I had done.

After he calmed down he said that he needed to think. That he wasn't really sure what punishment to dole out but to be assured one would be coming. *GULP* He wasn't talking spanking...he wanted something that "fit the crime". After two days I asked him what was going on and he admitted that he couldn't really come up with anything. He agreed with me that I had already learned my lesson because I had scared the crap out of myself and I knew what a bad thing it was that I had done and he was confident that I would never do something so stupid again. He was going to let it go....

"I find it odd that you will spank for me forgetting my cell phone....but not this...." I shook my head.
"But you already learened your lesson."
"Hmm.. I know..but still.. I feel unresolved."
"Ok...See...now earlier I told you this would happen. I said if I let it go you'd be upset and you said you wouldn't!"
"Well..I thought I'd be ok if you let me out of it...but now..well...I feel unresolved,"
"That's it...over the couch!"

...and so I went. And so he spanked....hard..and I did my very best to not squirm and wiggle. It was the first time I cried...really cried during a spanking. Not because of the pain...but because this sudden release was granted me. It was an odd sensation...

I was tense..
I was hurting..
I was so sorry...
I was forgiven
I forgave myself...
It was over...

This sudden rush of love and forgiveness just washed over me as he was spanking me. Suddlenly I could deal with the pain of the spatula a little better, I could hear him better, I could feel the situation settling better. It was all going to be ok..and I wasn't going to hold it against myself for having done something so utterly stupid!

After a second of cuddles we went up to bed...he thought I wouldn't be in the "mood" I asked why he thought that. He explained that "You were just bawling"
"Yes...but I'm better now... get in bed," WEG

Later, I tried to explain to him that I had already learned my lesson, that I knew he had forgiven me, but that the spanking helped me get over it in my head. That the slate was wiped clean again for me, that I had forgiven myself. I don't think he fully understands it but he's willing to spank me whenver either of us deem necessary! LOL