A realization..

TJ is not a Dom. He's not a Master, nor is he a Top. TJ is simply TJ.

I came to this realization yesterday while I was cleaning the upstairs of our little two bedroom duplex. I called down "Can you please look for that mini blind attachment I bought for the vacuum?" and he said sure. A few minutes later I heard him screwing around with the kids. "Are you looking or playing?" I called down.

"I'm looking!"
"Liar!"
....laughter.

Now, I'm not saying that people in true D/s, M/s, or such relationships don't have similar conversations or playful banter, they might or might not. I don't think it was the words of our conversation that brought about my realization...but perhaps the situation...not sure what exactly.

What I came to realize at that moment is that TJ will never give a good damn if I shave or don't shave. He probably wouldn't even notice if I was wearing panties to bed or not on most nights, and most likely doesn't have a preference, anyway. He doesn't notice any act of submission on my part unless it something that he is looking for in a sexual way (That I've noticed).

A few months ago I mentioned that we were taking DD to a deeper level. Well...that fizzled out within a few weeks. At first I thought it was because I had lost my "mojo" or something but now I think I know what happened. I think I simply saw it for what it was: a one sided relationship.

As much as I enjoyed exploring my submissive side in that way, on that level, I was alone in it. He was merely a spectator who would throw out a command now and then if I became a bit stagnant. He told me he was into it, that he had ideas of his own to implement, but when I pressed him to tell me or to talk with me about it he only said "I have to work it out in my head first," I backed off, I gave him the space he required and stopped asking him because it was what he wanted. Truth of the matter: there were no ideas. There was only the empty promise of a deeper level in our relationship that never came to pass.

I didn't drag him down that road. I stood to the side and tried to follow...but there was nothing to follow. So I stood on that road alone and waited and waited and waited. He is still the head of our household and has been consistent with all of our original rules and such but that is the level in which he lives.

I realized last night that I will never have that deeper level with him that I crave. He will never care about my routine, my habits, or anything other than if I've done the shopping, washed his underwear and kept the kids all safe and fed while he was at work. Do I want someone to micromanage my every single move: no, but maybe a little micro managing here and there would be nice.

Tomorrow, I go back to work full time. This is not a decision we took lightly and to be honest I hate that I'm doing it. I want to be home. I want to be home with my kids, but the economy being what it is; I'm back at work for at least a year. (There's background here but I'm not going into it) So, now there is really next to no hope for anything "more" happening. In fact, there is a real chance that what we have already in relation to DD will fade away all together.

I hope I'm not coming off as angry or disrespectful towards TJ. I love him. It's just..last night I realized that what I have is all I'm going to have when it comes to Domination/submission. I love TJ and this wont' change that. It's just...well....yesterday I had hope....today I have reality.

Spanking good office meeting

Last week I had a staff meeting at work. Meetings are usually pretty boring and mostly about how the doctor isn't getting as rich as he'd like to be getting, so I wasn't exactly thrilled to be in attendance. I work with a pretty light hearted group that every now and then will be a little off color, which does break up the crazy schedule of patients.

The first thing the doctor mentioned was that there were three new employees at the meeting since we had last gotten together. He then asked who was in charge of bringing the paddles for the initiations! One of the billers chuckled and said that she had forgotten the paddle at home. The new male employee added that he had been looking forward to the spankings but understood if they could not take place that day. A few more humorous comments were made in the same the fashion, all relating to spanking.

I sat in the back corner of the room with, I'm sure, a fierce blush and did my very best to look bored with the conversation, as if my jollity over the topic would give away my favorite past time to all of my co-workers.

So, you see, spanking is not a taboo, I think it is a hell of a lot more common than people will admit.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I am thankful for so many things this year..but I will list a few.

• I am thankful foremost for my family. I could not be luckier in that department.
• That everyone around here is healthy and happy.
• That my oldest is starting to be a really cool kid to hang around.. She makes almost total sense when she talks now! LOL
• That the baby is starting to talk and communicate to me what he wants.
• That TJ has really stepped into his role as HOH and has become more comfortable in it.
• That TJ has retired the wooden spatula for the time being.
• That I feel secure and loved in my home and have a wonderful husband to share that with.

Nothing thrilling or too much out of the ordinary but there it is.

For anyone following the whatever debacle: I am now at 130. Yes..I was down to 90 then went straight up to 130. Luckily or not, TJ has been so busy fixing our cars and working late he has not demanded payment...yet...but we shall see!


Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone. Fill your bellies with turkey and all the trimmings. Hug your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. Help someone in need. Drop off some food to a local shelter or donate to a food pantry. Share the wealth: no matter how little you have there is someone out there who has less.

Fun Find

I don't usually talk about sex here...well...I don't think I do. Anyway. I came across something today while browsing ultrafeel that I felt compelled to share with the rest of the world:



American company Suki, LLC. adds some nice little erotic gadgets to the already sexy iPhone.

The ‘Boditalk Escort’ is a discreet wearable bullet that is activated by calls made to or from your cell phone when in close range.

It will vibrate to a pre-programmed pattern. The Boditalk has seven stimulating patterns to excite you while you are on the move. Its discreet design makes it the perfect companion for passion on the go.

The possibilities of this device are practically endless!... I'm just sayin!

It hurts him, too

I cashed in another 10 swats bringing my balance down to 90. (yippee?) TJ chose to use that damn wooden spatula again. I didn't protest, and I got through warm up pretty well, squirming only a little. Then came the actual strokes. He doesn't count the warm up at all, even if the strokes get harder as he progresses through it.

The searing pain of that implement is hard to describe. It stings, it burns, it has a fiery thud that I don't much like. I did the best I could. I mustered up all of the courage I had and didn't fight him. I used the fleece throw from the couch to muffle my screams. After about six strokes I was crying real tears and by 8 I was sobbing. He only did 10 swats due to the fact that he could tell I was sobbing. When he was all done he put the spatula down and rubbed my bottom and tried to sooth me. "It's all done..it's ok...shhh" his voice was so soft I barely heard him. I didn't move, though. I stayed laying over his lap and had a cry. I got up a few minutes later and gingerly pulled my panties back up.

A short while later he was tucking me into bed and giving me loving kisses, telling me that I only had a bit more to go. He reassured me that as long as I kept taking a bit at a time he wouldn't penalize me for going past the original due date of Friday. Which is good because that would mean I'd have to take all 90 tonight.

"You stopped because I was crying so hard,"
"Yes,"
"You don't like to hear me cry,"
"Yes, I hate it. It makes me feel bad,"
"Good to know." exaggerated wink... pinch to my bottom.....one last kiss and off to sleep I drifted.

I tried really hard to hold in my sobs last night because I know that he hates to hear me cry and that it does really tear at his heart, but that one particular implement just brings it out of me. He has retired the wooden beast for the time being saying that he would just use other things instead. Not because I asked him to, but because he realized that every time he uses it I end up sobbing myself silly. The thing is by far the worse implement he's used so far. It's not going away forever, though, he said for now we'll use other things.... "for now"

Anyhoo, so I'm down to 90. We'll have to see how much I can take tonight or that he's willing to give. These strokes are really hard...which is what he had promised me.

I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. I know I earned these strokes with my stubbornness and willingness to push him. I hate them, they hurt like hell, but I'm getting better at not using the word ...well...at least around him. I do notice when I say it even if he's not around to hear it and I curse to myself for having said it. Maybe his point is getting across... just maybe.

And it made all the difference...

Last night went much better than the night before. I mentioned to TJ that perhaps I was having trouble with the spankings because he was so physically withdrawn from me.

After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.

It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.

I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.

I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.

I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.

So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.

Making a payment...

If you've read my post about my new rule regarding whatever you know that I earned 35 swats for using that particular word. Well, that number is now at 100...I really have no good reason for it other than I was sure he would forget all about the rule (or maybe I hoped).

He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.

He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.

So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"

We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.

---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----

So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.

"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.

I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.

A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.

I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.

I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.

I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.

Anger Managment

Something I've noticed about submission, perhaps not in general but where it pertains to me: I have a horrible time doing it when I'm mad.

If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.

The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)

It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.

I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?

I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.

Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"

And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?

It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.

TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)

I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?

When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...

Spanko Debt

Ever hear the phrase: "Your mouth is writing checks your butt can't cash,"?

Well, that phrase was invented for me, I'm sure of it. Even if it was first said decades before my birth, the person saying it must have known about me in some way.

TJ has made a new rule (He's been doing that a lot lately): I am no longer allowed to say the word: "Whatever" Which really sucks because it is the perfect word. It fits so nicely into so many different conversations:

What do you want for dinner? Whatever.
What would you like to drink? Whatever.
No, you can't have any more halloween candy. Fine, whatever.
You can't just go off on me like that cos your mad. Whatever.
10 minutes til bed. Whatever!

See..perfect word. (Although, when I explained that to TJ he tried to use it...and...it's really a girl word I think. Doesn't sound right when a man says it)

Along with this new rule there is a of course a consequence. "5 hard swats for each time the word is said," HUH!?!?

I did pretty good for about two days. Last night (which wasn't a great night all around) I muttered the word under my breath and he heard me...from another room (I think he was listening for it..cos it just fit so nicely into that conversation) "That's 5!" he called from his room.

"Whatever!" I called back.
"Five more!"
"Whatever!!!!" I yelled back.
"That's 15!"
"Whatever!!!!!!!" (this pattern continued until I was up to 35 swats)

Time came to pay the piper. The spanking (for the original crime) didn't go so well...we were both in bad places. He called off the spanking for the night.

"You still owe me 35 for the whatevers, you're not getting out of those," he explained. "You are in Spanko debt!" and he laughed quite hardily at his own jest.

Not funny... at least he's not charging interest! Blech!

Under the weather but not under the radar!

I have been sick for almost a week. I feel a little better this evening, however, I think it will be short lived. Apparently, being sick is no excuse for having an attitude. I say it's a great excuse to be a little snippy but I don't get a say in this part of our relationship. Hence, my 10 o'clock bedtime has been changed to 9 o'clock (cos I was a smart ass last night about bedtimes in general) and at 8:45 I have a "meeting' with TJ cos of an "attitude" and giving him "Whatever's" in response to his questions.

In any case....I actually got around to posting a short story on EFF and even put up a blurb on my writing blog. So take a peak over there while I'm getting my bottom tanned...