I thought I'd write an update....but there is nothing really to update. I'm still laid up and will be for one more week. Well, not really...I have gotten clearance today to get up and resume activity..but no lifting and no stretching. I can fold the laundry but can't put it away, fair enough. I'll take it.

I had always thought having someone wait on me hand and foot would be awesome and relaxing...I was sorely mistaken. I am so bored I am ready to cry. I've kept my mind busy, working on my online course (which turns out is harder than I had thought it would be) and editing a piece I've been working on for what seems like forever but it's just not enough.

And since all sex is out of the question for another few weeks and I've been in so much pain that the very thought of sex, spanking, or anything kinky turns my stomach. Submission? Not in my vocabulary right now...well not true.

I have been awfully well behaved, laying in bed all day long will do that to you, I suppose. Can't break rules if you can't do anything. Oh wait! Something did happen!

Yesterday, TJ and I were in the kitchen and I was getting a bit attitudey (it's a word...cos I say so) with him. He looked at me, took a step closer to me and when I still kept it up he raised his hand and stared at my bottom. He then looked at my face and slapped my upper arm twice.

"I can't spank your ass so I'll spank your arm! Watch the attitude!" and he laughed about it, as well as I did. It wasn't hard but did sting a bit. It was actually the comedic relief I needed at the moment. All of this bed rest and not being able to pick up the baby and not being able to anything was getting to me and I was taking it out on him. It was funny and cute and let me know that he's giving me a break but I should tred lightly.

Well, how's that for nothing to say!? LOL

Mad About You

I'm still recovering, so I have been laid up for the past few weeks and it's beyond annoying. I'm not one to lay around and have people wait on me, I can not stand it, but have for the most part followed orders. TJ has done really well with handling all of the kids and house stuff (my bathroom hasn't been cleaned in 2 weeks...but I'm letting it go...*deep breath*) so I can't complain (about things like the sink being dirty, or the ceiling fan having dust hanging from it, or that our oldest went to bed last night with chocolate on her face... lol)

Anyway, I was watching Mad About You the other day, I have the first season on DVD and was in marathon mode. I remember watching that show when it was on tv and thinking how badly I wanted my relationship to be like them. Loving, cuddling, hugging full of compromise etc...

This time I was watching it and thinking the exact opposite. I don't think I want a cuddle bug for a husband. Don't misread me...I love cuddling with TJ and I love hugging and kissing and all that. I want a rougher love though, one where if I'm being a raving lunatic TJ will simply march me to our bedroom bend me over spank me silly until I've calmed down.

I like my love to be rough and ragged and full of emotions and full of vibrant colors. Love doesn't have to be soft in order for it to be true and deep.

It was just a bit odd to remember what it was I thinking back 10 yrs or so and how I have things now and how much I love us now... we aren't all silk and lace... well a silk blindfold would be nice.

What will I think about my relationship say 10 yrs from now? Hmm... I can't wait to find out.

And now we shall see

My last post, I questioned if I could submit to TJ without the physical aspect to all of this. It didn't even dawn on me at that time that I would have a chance to find out that very thing within a matter of days of writing that post.

On Monday, I had a minor surgery that has put me on bed rest for two weeks. I returned home from the hospital yesterday and have been tied to the couch since walking in the door. I attempted to read emails last night and when I came across an email from my boss TJ was quick to say "If you are going to look at work emails I am going to take the computer away from you." needless to say I closed my lap top and put it away for the time being. Not only am I on bedrest for two weeks, but TJ and I are not allowed to have "relations" (As the doctor put it to TJ after my procedure and TJ did his very best not to grin) for at least 6 weeks while I heal. Hence, there will be no physical aspects to all of this for at least that time. Which TJ is already complaining about not being able to spank me; all of a sudden the man can't stop patting my bottom.

As we left the hospital yesterday, TJ was turning onto the street I told him to turn left, as it would bring us to the main road off of which we live. He turned right saying that going left would make us have to pass a bunch of county buildings that tend back up traffic. I explained that the portion of town he was talking about was further south and that we wouldn't be near it. We didn't really argue but were simply disagreeing about which street he was actually turning onto. (There was construction around the hospital so the exit was not the normal exit we would have taken)

"Does it matter if you wanted me to go left?" he questioned with a tone I had not heard in a few days.
"You always assume I'm wrong, that I don't know what I'm talking about," I complained with a pout.
"No. You aren't always wrong, but I'm always right," he stated flatly. I blinked and looked at him as he drove, he was serious.
"Ok," I nodded.

Now I'm not stupid, I am aware that he is human and is indeed not always right. He will make mistakes and he will screw up and he may even hurt my feelings at times, but he will never do those things with malicious intentions. What I took from that comment is that when it comes to things like which way to turn, it doesn't matter which way I want him to go. If he says we are going right then we are going right; if he decides to drive six miles out of our way simply because he chooses to do so..then so be it.

I am no longer in the driver seat...

A revelation...been having lots of these lately

A few days ago, at work, I was working up a patient who happened to have her husband with her. I don't know what about this couple caused me to think of submission, but it did, perhaps it was their ethnicity. Either way, it brought about a whole slew of thoughts.

Would I feel these submissive feelings that I feel if it did not in some small way turn me on? Now, I do not walk around all hot and bothered because I got TJ a cup of coffee but I do feel warm and fuzzy on an intimate level that I do not feel when say getting a cup of coffee for my brother in law. If I didn't get that, if it was simply expected of me to be obedient by society and those all around me, would I still enjoy it?

For those women living in countries where they have no choice but to be submissive to their husbands, do they find any fulfillment in it or is it simply so natural to them that they don't give it another thought?

I think that because we have a choice to be submissive to our husbands or we can be "equal" (honestly, I believe there is no such thing as equal in a relationship but that's another post for another day) it makes it more...I don't know...meaningful, fulfilling?

Is it because of the intimacy in the rest of my relationship with TJ that triggers the warm and fuzzies when I do small acts for him? I no longer have a say in sex...well...I can not say "no" to sex, I should clarify (not that I ever would LOL) If I understand correctly in some cultures this is the case in most marriages, if he wants it- he gets it. Even when TJ is simply "taking" what is his, I still get such a thrill from it, such enjoyment from it that I can hardly say I am not being satisfied, on both the emotional and physical levels.

Would it be the same if this dynamic of ours did not exist? I thought to myself that it would be boring and mundane to submit to someone if these feelings that I currently have weren't there. Which leads me to another question that just popped in my head....

If something awful were to happen that left TJ unable to physically pleasure, punish, dominate me would I still be able to submit to him? Of course, I'd always take care of him and love him and be there for him, that would never change..but if there was no chance of a kinky sex night or a wonderfully bottom warming spanking would I: still 1) be able to submit to his rules, dictates and/or 2) Get as much out of it?

I would like to say yes, and I think I would. I find the mental part of domination to be just as stimulating as his touch. Often his words are enough to get me moving in the direction he desires....and there are "devices" out there to help with the physical aspect. (*insert blush and wicked smile here*)

Anyhoo... those were my thoughts. I think submitting to TJ is absolutely thrilling and I'm glad that it is my choice because I think that's partly what makes it so wonderful.

Just another Ramble

TJ looked over my resolutions for this upcoming year after I had posted last. He said ( in regards to the ones about submission) that the first two were most important. He said the one about the cane would be fun (for him) but that he really wants me to focus on the exploring my submissive side and accepting his authority with more fluidity.

In that respect I have been doing some soul searching. It's all still very muddled in my mind so I can really only imagine how the words will spill onto this screen, but I will attempt to be rational. (Notice I said "attempt")

TJ hates labels and I am working really hard not to use them, however, this is much harder than I thought it would be. He tells me that he doesn't want to be my "Dom" "Master" or any such thing, he simply wants to be my Husband, and I his wife. Great! I can do that, or can I?

I look around me and I am much different than the other "wives" around me. I do not put him down verbally to my co-workers (I'm no saint, I do complain from time to time, but I don't bash him) I do not mind offering to get him his coffee after a meal when in the company of others. Along with other subtle things that I really dont' see most women doing for thier husbands.

I think that the arrangement we have is more than just simply Husband/wife but I think it makes him more comfortable to use those terms (but I thought we weren't supposed be labeling us....ah well). There has been a large shift in our dynamic here in this house. I am no longer simply a wife who gets spanked for being naughty (that still occurs, have no doubt!) but there's more to it. I have given over control to him in other ways; sexually, financially, even a portion of my diet is under this umbrella of authority.

I am most calm and soothed while seated at his feet watching tv while he lovingly strokes my hair. I don't know what the next day will bring but the conversation TJ and I had last night was very touching and very informative.

"You will never be worth less than me," he assured me when I voiced my worry over my worth. "We are equal beings but our roles are different," he explained while looking into my eyes, holding my chin in his hands forcing me to look directly at him and hear his words.

This weekend promises to be a very interesting weekend. The kids will all be gone and we will have some much needed alone time...and an experiment is planned... I will let you know how it goes..or mostly.

Happy New Year!!!!

The new year is upon us. TJ is sweating over the stove preparing our New Years Eve Seafood pig out session..that leads into our appetizer pig out session later in the evening. It has become a tradition here. He is making mussels, crab legs, crawfish (which I've never had before so this should be interesting) and shrimp cocktail (mostly for the girls). Yes, there will only be four of us eating all of this food....it's New Year's Eve, after all.

I have been thinking and thinking about a New Year's resolution and have come up with nothing. I could do the usual and go with Lose Weight, be healthier, or such but let's be realistic this year. Hey, maybe that could be my New Year's Resolution: to set more realistic goals? Uh...naaaw.

Here's what I think will be good to use.
1. Write! Write! Write! I would like to publish four novella's this upcoming year over at lulu.
2. Save, save, save and move, move, move to a larger home by the end of the year.
3. Stick with school. I've signed up for one class this upcoming semester and I would like to take one class each semester until I've finished my degree.

Ok..there you have it. Now..for the fun ones.

1. Explore my submission more deeply and honestly. Stop using labels and listen to my heart more.
2. Accept TJ's authority with more grace. Meaning taking my spankings a little bit better.
3. Be able to take the cane...TJ really likes it and I'd like to be able to handle it for him.


Ok..maybe they weren't that exciting. LOL

I hope that each of you have a wonderful New Year. May your best day of 2009 be the worst you have in 2010!

Just another day...

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with TJ as well as all of the terms DD, D/s, M/s... yes I know..no labeling. However...

I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call it..in the end it's still our relationship.

Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.

To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.

One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying "No..no...just let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?

There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.

Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing so....is that too weird?

I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for now...at least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.

To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?