Every where I look!

I've been all over the net trying to find craft supplies and party ideas for my 5 year old's halloween party at school. (I signed up to be the party organizer this year...yes I'm nuts). Anyhoo...so I'm off in the vanilla world wide web and what happens? I get snuckered right back to spanking!!!

There is no help for me! This is on the front page of a craft website for halloween crafts:

The Bed...

I'm working something through my head and I'm going to play it all out right here. Maybe once I've gotten it out of my head I will better understand my own thoughts on the subject.

The other night when TJ wanted to spank me for my "whatever" attitude I was a bit hesitant. Acutally, I was downright defiant at first. I told him it would do no good and I simply did not get into position for him. He won't ever force me into position, I have to accept the punishment being given to me. He stared at me for a few minutes and I could tell he wasn't really sure what to do with me. He was displeased, that much was evident, but he was also unsure.

Finally he threw the belt down and said "Fine. Go to bed. You wont' take your punishment, go to bed. Take the blue blanket with you," he ordered referring the the fleece throw on the couch.

"Why?" I questioned.

He went on to explain that I was not to sleep in the bed. That if I wouldn't be obendient and take my punishment that I would spend the night on the floor. That sleeping in bed with him was not a right but a privilege and since he had every intention of sleeping in bed I was to curl up on the floor.

What the.... ???? you may be asking....yeah...me too. What ball field did that ball come flying out of?!

I just stared at him open mouthed at first. Obviously, if you read my last post, I took my punishment....which really didn't turn out to be a punishment but an open door to a much needed discussion.

Later, that evening once we were in bed together, I asked him if he had really planned on letting me sleep on the floor. He answered that he was fully prepared to let me sleep on the floor.

Here is my issue.
1) A privilege not a right?
2) I doubt I'd ever actually comply with sleeping on the floor..I dont' think...would I?
3) I didn't argue it. I didn't say "No that's not ok" instead I did what I had to do in order for that situation not to happen.

I feel like I'm in some middle world. Not quite in DD country but not in D/s land either... I know...don't label it.

We've had a talk about our limits and such. Things I will NOT do or tolerate and he things he will NOT do or tolerate. This is new territory for me and I could seriously use a GPS or a flipping compass would even help.

post update: I talked with TJ this morning, after this post was sent out (I had it scheduled). He explained that it wasn't the bed that was the issue but him being in it with me. I thought to keep himself away from me was a horrible punishment and that's why we had implemented DD in our marriage to begin with. To keep us from avoiding each other. What he meant was that if I'm not going to take a punishment that we had agreed to then he wouldn't share our bed with me. So...I think I've worked this through.... I think..................

A little Update

Just as I finished posting the other night about how wonderful everything was going here...I got myself into trouble!

I'll be honest, I don't remember what set me off or even what I said but I said just enough to get TJ upset. Tj has been favoring his belt lately. I, on the other hand, despise the black leather creature and wish I could somehow accidentally destroy the beast.

The spanking wasn't that long but it adequately got us past the issue. The thing about TJ is no matter how stern he is before and during the spanking he is all gooey love afterward. He always hugs and kisses me and asks me to reaffirm that I love him. The lovemaking was also nice. (I'm snickering here, cos it was actually mind blowing passionate sex)

Yesterday was not the best of days for me. I found out that I will most likely be needing surgery on a part of my body most people would rather not have another human being (other then your S/o) look at much less operate on. I was not feeling very good about it at all and instead of telling TJ about how unsexy I felt I just threw the word "whatever" at him whenever he warned me for my tone.

Finally having enough of that he beckoned me to his office. I followed, reluctantly, and tried to tell him that I wasn't in the right frame of mind and that spanking me would get us no where. Boy was I wrong! The spanking did not fix my emotions, however, it got me to tell him what my emotions were. Once I blurted out what was wrong with me he sat back and dropped his belt. He had me curl up on his lap and we talked.

He was totally loving and supportive. He did explain that if I'm feeling something like that it's not an excuse to act out, that I am suppose to tell him so he can help me. He can't fix the physical thing that's wrong but he can help me to emotionally deal with it.

So by being open and vulnerable with him I have allowed him to love me, all of me. Who knew!

Submissive= Sexy

I think I've mentioned before that TJ and I have been delving a bit deeper, lately, into our relationship. I've put more effort into being obedient and giving myself over to him more. Not just sexually but in all areas of myself.

I'm feeling a bit shy for some reason, I don't usually feel shy on my blog. After all, it's my blog, although everything I post is true, my identity is completely hidden. (except from the 1 rl friend of mine who has the address but is too afraid to come peek) So, it's not as if I'm going turn the corner and bump into a reader and they are going to point and laugh at me..but none the less tonite I'm feeling shy. So, I wont' go more into the details of what has changed over the past few weeks..only to say that they have and that it's been going awesomely well.

I've started a journal for TJ. I put things in there that I'm a bit embarrassed to verbalize directly to his face.The other day , I had a few questions regarding this new adventure of ours and one was asking him if he's been happy with the changes. Before he even read the entry he made a point of telling me that he was thinking during the day how happy he has been. That he has been thinking more and more about me and our relationship lately, more so then ever before. Thereby answering my question before it was asked.

He then told me later on the same evening how sexy I've been. Now...I'm home with the kids all day, and am either running errands, dropping a kid off at school, or doing school work with them. I've been better at getting one some makeup on before he gets home but usually I look a wreck...he said "You've been more obedient...much more submissive to me lately...I dunno...it's just really sexy!"

I won't label this change, and I won't even label myself for once. I am just his wife, his obedient, submissive, sexy wife. And I find nothing sexier then his dominant personality that is shining through. We have never felt more natural or loving towards each other.

I will go into it more later.....maybe.

I am woman!

I was driving home this evening from a family dinner at my parents house. TJ is out for the evening helping his childhood friend celebrate the ending of his single life as he knows it, and embrace his future as a married man.

I had the radio on to help keep me awake while driving down the darkened roads and after a song finished the DJ came on with some blurb about advice to men out there on dates with women. He stated (supposedly from some article or something) that there are 4 things men should absolutely NOT do while on a date.

1. Order for her
2. Open the door for her
3. Pull out her chair for her
4. Carry her purse

He made some smart ass remark about women's lib and blah blah blah. Is this true?

Are men really being told to be less gentlemanly? Are women so insecure about their own feminine qualities that they feel a man holding a door for them would make them weak and feeble in the eyes of society? Really?

Aside from #4 I don't see how any of these things makes me less womanly or why they would make me feel weak. I am all for women's rights. We are just as smart, just as capable as any man out there but that doesn't mean we are men. I am a woman, just look up my skirt and you can tell. (well not really...I don't really wear skirts..but I digress)

Tj often will order for me. He doesn't pick my meal but if I've told him what I'm planning on ordering he will order for me. "She'll have the...and I'll have the..." Oh, but if he were to pick my meal..what a whirlwind of emotions that would cause. All of them warm and fuzzy...at least I think.

Opening the door for me? Not only do I love it when he does this (with three kids in tow it's really a survival technique to get through the doors at all) I love it more when he places his hand on the small of my back as if to lead me through it. My father does this as he walks a woman through a doorway..at least to my mom and myself and my sister. Never does he do this to another man. Unless you count grabbing my brother by the scruff of his neck and shoving him through the door because he's walked ahead of my mother.. lol (again I digress)

Holding out the chair for me. He's never done this, that I remember. I don't see how it would make anyone feel 'less than' though.

The purse thing...well...ok..I have to agree with this. Don't carry my purse...it just looks silly. lol

I was thinking about this as I continued my drive and about my son. What to teach him as he grows into a man. Respect women, adore them, love them, care for them, and always be a gentlemen (even if they aren't very ladylike). Never think you are better then a woman simply because of your anatomy.

I don't understand how we went from wanting equality in the voting booth and the work place to wanting to be utterly unfeminine? There are two different sexes out there. Male. Female. What is so damn wrong with that?

It's fate!

I have been browsing the web for some school activities for the kiddies to here at home. I don't homeschool (yet) but I do a lot of school stuff here at home. I signed up this morning for a website that has tons and tons of worksheets, projects, printable books, and craft ideas. I did the usual sign up stuff and they sent me my user id and password.

What do I see: bottom53... it was meant to be... nuff said.

Clothes pins!

I have no idea why but I saw a 24 pack on sale at the store today and I picked them up and threw them in the cart. For drying clothes perhaps? Nope...don't have a clothes line. For arts and crafts with the kids? Possibly...that would make a good cover I suppose. But when I picked them up those were not things on my mind. The things on my mind were dirty, dark, and totally embarrassing were I to verbalize them.

This started when our oldest daughter brought home a craft from school with two of the wooden pins attached. I sent a flirtatious text: Any ideas what to do with those two clothes pins now that she destroyed the craft?
What I got in return: Stop it. Those are H's.

A few hours later I glance at the clearance table at the local store and there they are sitting. A package wrapped in plastic wrap with a large picture of a wooden clothes pin. $0.90 Unable to pass up a sale... I pick them up, toss them in the cart and continue on. Here's the really strange thing. I've only 'played' with such items once in my life and it was many many years ago and it was really just trying them out (you know..put one on see what its like, scream and throw them all away and curse yourself for the fool you are) So now I have the little buggers and they are staring me in face.

Will I tell Tj I bought them or will I hide them away in my drawer where a few other dark secrets are kept? If I show him will he laugh me off or will he raise his delicious eyebrow in that way that makes me shiver and beckon me into his office?

Day at the dentist.

I've had to get some work done on my teeth these past few weeks. (oh joy!) Last week when I was at the office I used my time wisely while the dentist was drilling my teeth, pulling my cheek this way, pushing my face that way...by thinking up a new idea for a spanking story that is currently being worked on.

So, today on the way to my appointment I had two thoughts:
1) think about the next chapter of said story.
2) Replay last night with TJ in my mind.

Since last night with TJ included some toast buttering (thanks Spanky for that term) and I was still a bit excited about said night time activity I chose #2. (how is that for a subject while some strange man is digging around your mouth! LOL)

My plan was to replay the evening in writing terms. I was going to write an erotic story about the event in my head so that I could go home type it up and place it on the erotic fiction blog. What happened, however, was that I was cracking myself up.

The office I go to is very efficient, I had walked in the door and they were waiting for me, I got in the chair and the dentist flew right in to start the numbing process. (I think the man is a machinist...he took so damn long to give each shot and I think he was enjoying himself too much at my discomfort) Well this process gets my adrenaline going and I kind of float off into a fun place. (Like getting high without the drugs)

Dentist comes back in to start the rest of his planned torture session and I put my plan into action. However, what thought keeps running through my mind?

"......I wonder what it would be like to give a blow job all numb like this....I can't even feel my tongue....Would I slobber all over him?.....Wow..I really can't feel my tongue...would that help or hinder my ability?" and I had to stifle a laugh at the image in my head of me trying to doing the deed with TJ and my mouth being in the condition that it was in.

Tonights Mood....

I'm feeling troubled this evening. I dont' really know how to explain it.

TJ and I had a bit of a tiff today. It was over nothing really and we both just lost our heads. Looking back we both know it was because of how tired we were and how frustrated we both were at the situation that we found ourselves in at the moment. Anyway, the little nothing turned into something and then once the kids went to bed it's back to nothing. Apologies were given, a short talk about the why and how to better the situation and then it was over.

No spanking is pending. And that is where I feel troubled. He has a point, he did lose his temper, too. (If not a bit more then me) He doesn't feel justified in dishing out a spanking when he was just as wrong. I pointed out that I actually started the whole thing with my attitude...none the less. No spanking is pending.

It's not a punishment that I feel I'm missing out on. Although, I think what I did was punishable I understand his point that he did basically the same thing. It's the reconnection. It's the period at the end of the sentence. The physical show of the love he has for me.

The spanking isn't always about punishing the criminal. Sometimes, it's just the eraser over the blackboard. I don't know how else to put it.

There is no spanking pending....and I feel troubled by that.

Submissive Picture

I was doing a search for "submissive" images on google this afternoon so that I could get a "muse" for a short fiction for the team blog I'm now a part of (Erotic Flash Fiction) and I came across this picture. I was completely mesmerized by it. So much so that I just stared at it for at least 2 minutes.

To me it just screams love and dominance. Look at the way he's gripping her hair, the way she's pressed into his belly. I can almost smell his skin, feel the gruffness of his hold on her. The wedding ring displayed on his free hand catches my eye as well. I don't know if it's because I've been having a rough week this week or if it's cos my hormones are raging or what but I could really go for being held in such a way today.

9/3/09: Update..if you want to see what I came up with go here. Thanks!