Absolutely Elated

Since my last post TJ and I have had a "serious" talk about our marriage. TJ expressed his concern with moving forwards towards anything 'more' right now because he felt that we haven't gotten the basics down yet.. i.e. I'm not obeying enough and still fight him for control.

We've discovered that we each saw our marriage at different points. I thought we were further along and ready for the next step and he felt that we were still at the starting line. He said that he is open to "more" in our marriage and even wants it but that right now it isn't the time.

One thing that I've learned is that I have to stop trying to put a label on us and myself. Am I a vanilla woman who likes to be spanked? A slave? A submissive? Who cares! I am me, plain and simple and I have to start realizing that it doesn't matter how other couples manage thier relationships, that should not effect me. My focus needs to be on our marriage and me, not trying to keep up with the Jones's.

That said. I've been trying really hard the past few days to pay attention to TJ. I've been not arguing with him over stupid things and when he gives an order I've been trying really hard to obey it without question or complaint. Last night when TJ was putting me to bed he thanked me for all of the hard work I've been doing. He said that he's noticed how much effort I've been putting in and how hard I've been trying. He got that mushy "I love you" look in his eyes as he petted my hair (something I find very comforting and he know that).

I asked him if he likes me this way and he said "Oh yes! You've been happier, more clear headed, and that makes me very happy"

I was so happy with myself and with us that I near exploded with it. My heart was so swelled with pride and joy that I thougth it would burst in my chest. I had the biggest smile on my face last night as I drifted off to sleep. (Which was hard to do given the face that I was so full of emotion). I then compared that feeling to how I feel after I'm punished. Yes, I feel loved after a spanking but the feeling I had last night was SOOO MUCH BETTER! I was making him happy and I was just...well... elated!

it was a good night!

Travel down a new road? A rant!

Some background:

When I first found this world of spanking/submission, HOH, kinky sex, what ever category you want to place this all in, I was so enthralled with it all I couldn't get enough of it. TJ was away when I discovered it all. I don't remember now if he was deployed at the time or simply gone for field exercise..but none the less, he wasn't home.

I came across this world and me having absolutely no patience, no knowledge, and being all of 19/20ish jumped head first into it. I looked up everything, read everything, joined chat rooms, and by the time I talked with TJ about it all I was sure I wanted it ALL and I wanted it NOW. I wanted to be his slave, his sub, his wife, his whatever. I wanted beatings and I wanted to be completely controlled and I wanted it all right at the moment I told him about it.

Needless to say the man was a bit taken a back when we had our conversation. We were very young, only married a year (maybe two) and I was (am?) a very stubborn, thick headed, know it all, control freak of a woman how could I possibly give up control that I've been ripping from him since the day we met?

It was a complete mess! My fantasies never came to reality (well duh...I know) he never took control (how could he with me directing him what to do?) and the idea of completely controlling me was not very appealing to him. I settled for just spanking and the occasionally kinky sex scene..even started my own website about it (cos I knew everything within a month or so! *shaking head* I was so stupid!) I closed down that site only a month or so later because I simply was too ignorant to keep it up, I finally realized I knew nothing. (This was before blogs)

TJ finally told me he had no interest in being in control of me on any level. SPLAT! Dreams shattered. I sucked it up and we moved on. (fun spankings were a norm with us so that didn't go away...they didn't put *spanky* under my highschool photo in the yearbook for nothin WEG)

Fast forward...we tried a few more times with the D/s or whatever you want to call it each time it failing miserably. Finally, we tried simple DD (yes, I'm aware DD isn't simple) and it stuck...and has stuck for well over a year now (after 10 yrs of marriage!)

Lately, I've had different feelings. Wanting something deeper..something MORE. It's all very confusing to me and I'm having a hard time pinpointing what it is I want.

The past few weeks I've tried being more "serving" to TJ. What I found is I kinda liked it. Plating his dinner (which I kinda always did), getting his lunch together (when I had time, kids first he says), shaving in places he likes me shaved, etc... Then a few times this week he's told me (in regards to me getting something or making something for him) "I can do it myself," and the tone was kind of annoyed.

I felt completely rejected. Isn't that odd? All I was going to do was get him (I think it was) tea and he said "I can do it myself" and last night when I said "Let's go make Daddy his dinner" to the baby when TJ walked in (he was home late and we had all eaten already) he said agian "I can get it myself," with the same tone.

Last night, I had gotten in trouble for talking rudely too him (which I think was a result of me feeling rejected and instead of talking to him I was disrepectful). After the spanking he sent me to bed (as usual), when he came to tuck me in he could see something was wrong and when I tried to explain it all to him he appologized.

He told me that he didn't want me overdoing it now that I'm home more. He said he didn't want me to think I "had" to do things for him. He was just trying to keep me from over doing it, but I saw it as a rejection. He told me that if he ever says anything or does anything that makes me feel like that again I am to tell him right away. During the conversation he also said "I dont' want a slave...well...I do...just not you being the slave" My heart just broke when he said that until he explained (cos he could see in my face that it hurt) "No, no...I don't mean it like that. I mean, yes it would be nice to have a slave to do all my chores and stuff..but I don't mean 'slave' like how you mean slave." he was trying to be funny but it backfired. "Do you want to be a slave?" he asked me and I just shook my head. "No, I don't have that in me to do that,"

URRGGHH! I have no flipping idea what I want or need!!! I know that I love it when he tells me to do something. My heart soars when he says things like "Yes, you can go to the library if your bring your wrist bands" (for my carpal tunnel that I avoid like the plague) and when he said "I have a chore for you....." I got a little high. When I disappoint him it hurts me. Like last night just going into his room at the allotted time made my heart sink, not just because he was holding his belt in his hand but because I knew I had upset him, again.

So here I sit, confused, frusterated, and feeling awfully alone. I dont want to dive into what I dove into before. I dont want to confuse him and I feel like I'm changing his role or telling him 'Be more like *this*"... I want him to be who he is and is he dominant? Is he capable of being more controlling or more interested in what I do? Is he even interested in doing that...and what if we do start down this new road and I say "Wait..I don't like it...let's back off again"

Ok...I'm gonna go sign up the little one for preschool now, run my errands, do my chores, and get the kiddies the lunch I promised them.. Maybe through all of this "normal" activity I will regain my senses.

Thanks for tuning in for this weeks rant and rave... check back soon and you might see a raving lune running about with no panties and a whip in hand!

The waiting

I hate the waiting. I know it's coming, know damn well it is more than deserved, and I hate the dark feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The "I'm not happy about that..we will talk tonight about it," text message following a confessional text only made my heart drop into my stomach.

Shame washed over me when I realized how much what I had done could damage us in any way. Trust was breached. Ugh! A horrible feeling just knowing what I did, then to feel his disappointment! Double UGH! I think the fact that I upset him in such a way is more painful then what is to come this evening.

An assignment was given 1,000 word essay due this weekend. I thought I'd be getting off really easily but then it was told that the assignment was just the beginning and I'd have to wait until he was finished with some work to get the rest. When I had asked "Is the essay it?" (cos I was going to get ready for bed and I didn't want to seem like I was avoiding) he chuckled and said "Oh, no!"

I hate that I'm sitting here waiting to have my bottom spanked and that it's all my fault and I deserve it and I hate that I hurt him. It's a dark night for me, but it will all be over soon. The forgiveness will wash over me and the love will shine through....

To Tell or Not to Tell...that is a question!

I sometimes debate with myself whether or not to tell on myself if I've done something that warrants TJ's attention. It's usually something that he would not find out about if I kept it to myself, so I could easily let it slip by and it would go un-noticed.

However, to keep it to myself and not inform him would seem like I was making the decision that I did not warrant a punishment. On the other hand, if it's something I think is 'punishable' and I tell him and he does not think the same way, will I handle it correctly? Will I accept his decision or will I get grumpy because I think he's being too lenient? If I say nothing I take the decision away from him, if I tell him I run the risk of not accepting his decision....

These are the thoughts that were raging through me the other day. While we were away on our vacation a letter came in the mail from the library. It was an over due notice for a movie I had checked out prior to our vacation. I had completely forgotten that I had even rented it! (we hadn't even watched it yet). I looked at the fine and sucked in my breath. TJ hates when I forget to return things to the library, at one point he didn't even want me going to the library because I was always returning things late. (Luckily, the library is online now so I can renew before being late....I try to explain that it's in my blood...my mother is exactly the same way with the library...lol) I put the letter down and didn't say anything about it.

I kept thinking the same thoughts as in the beginning of my post until I decided. "No, tell him and if he decides to do nothing then you accept it!" So I wrote "Oops" on the notice and slid it under the door to the room that he was in and walked away. A few minutes later he came out and said: "So, do I have take your library card away from you?"
"No," was all I answered him.
"We will talk about this tonite," he assured me, I balked a little (just a habit I think)
"But I didn't even have to tell you about it," I pointed out.
"That's right, but I had already seen the notice on the table..I was just waiting to see if you would step up and tell me. You did, and that's great, but you still are getting a wuppin"
....I sighed and the conversation ended. I don't think I was trying to get out of the spanking, I was trying to lessen it I think. You see, he was fondling his belt during the conversation.

That night time talk happened, and I did my best to stay still for him. He did not use his belt, but instead used the evil scraper. He said he was tempted to ban me from the library but since I use it to take the kids to storytime and to get books for the children he wasn't going to. Instead, I am not allowed to check out any movies until he says its ok. He assured me it wasn't the fine that was the issue, but that I keep breaking the rule about returning the items on time. We watched the movie last night so I'll be returning it to the library this afternoon!

Back from Vacation!!

I haven't totally disappeared, I was just on vacation. We took our first family vacation this past week and it was completely relaxing and awesome just spending time together. The week prior to our little vacation I worked A LOT and had no time to blog, read, write, or even sit for a second. Butt, I'm back, unpacked and have TONS to say.

We went camping with the kids this week for our vacation. In order to cook our food TJ had to start a fire in the fire pit, but first he had to chop the wood. I don't think I've seen anything hotter then watching my hubby chop firewood for us. He thought I was nuts when I told him that I was seriously aroused by the scene but played along with it all week. "If you get me a soda I'll chop more wood for you," LOL

I think it's because it was such a basic manly thing to do. I asked him if I could try chopping some wood and he said "No," I looked at him like he was being silly. "C'mon, let me try it," I said reaching for the small ax. "I said no, don't ask again" *very stern tone along with a look* I backed off and didn't ask again. I think it was also a turn on because the two other families that were camping near by couldn't keep their fires lit very well. I heard the men complaining about the wood being too wet and that no matter how much lighter fluid they used the wood just wasn't getting hot enough. TJ didn't use any lighter fluid so I watched them build their fires and I watched TJ..... TJ seemed to know what he was doing (My boyscout!) and the other men did not seem to know much about it.

I'm not much for completely roughing it, so half way through the week we moved camp sites so that our cabin would have a washroom. I don't require a private shower, sink, stove, or any other modern convience, I just require a toliet (that is not a 7 minute walk uphill to get to). As do our toddler girls who wouldn't go near the port a poty. Anyway, at our second cabin we were closer to a section of the park where (for what reason I have no idea) they had a bunch of blow up christmas decorations set up so that you could walk through and see the different blow up santas, reindeer, or snow men. Well, at night when it was dark I wanted to see it all lit up so I asked TJ if I could take the short walk over to the site.

It was only about half a block down from us, but it was dark and the kids were all in bed so we couldn't both go at the same time. He told me to take a flash light and the whistle. I grabbed them and headed off. Unfortunately, the creepy blow ups weren't up during the night, so I had made the trip for nothing. When I got back TJ asked if I had the whistle. I showed it to him and he nodded with a grin.

"Did you think I wouldn't bring it?"
"I wasn't really sure. I thought you'd think it was silly and wouldn't do it," he admitted.
"I know that you are only looking out for my safety, and besides...you said to," I shrugged and put the whistle back in the cabin and joined him by the fire. I think he was somewhat surprised that I had obeyed such a simple order. This tells me that he still has his doubts about my obedience, and probably with good reason. This will be something to work on.

Submissive fears....

A comment on a previous post I had asked for me to further explain "my fear of losing myself in this" in regards to submission. So here goes. Please keep in mind these (as always) are my own ramblings based on my own thoughts.

I think everyone has a different definition of Submission and that there are several degrees or levels of it. I don't think there are any "right" or "wrong" ways to go about being submissive. (Although, there are always exceptions...granted) So here is my definition or at least how submission plays a roll in my home.

I have accepted that my husband is the leader of our home, he has authority over me and our family. That, though we may discuss issues, his decision is the final one in our home.

That said, one of the things I'm afraid of is being mindlessly obedient. By this I mean, obeying him without thought to the matter. Now, I'm not saying that every rule or dictate by Tj should be weighed and thought over before obeying but I do not want to become some robot who simply does as she's told simply because she was told to. Example:

I make my own laundry detergent (works great, lasts us months and only costs $5.00) to make.) I keep a bit bucket of it in a storage container and keep a small bottle in the laundry room. TJ doesnt' do laundry very often, but let's say he does a load one night and uses the last of the detergent in the smaller bottle. The next morning as he's leaving for the day he tells me "There's no more laundry soap make another batch this weekend,". I do not want to simply go and do it becuase he said to and not even giving it thought I can say to him. "I still have a bunch in the storage bucket, I fill up the bottle in the laundry room"
Obviously, a very simple example but I think it shows my meaning.

I, also, don't want to become someone who believes that their own thoughts, feelings, or needs have to be second (notice the italics of the words have to). I am afraid that if I'm spending most of my energy on making sure his needs or wants are met how will I make sure my needs are being met too? I am human. I have wants and needs, too. It's all well and good to say that if I take care of him he'll in turn take care of me (which to an extent has already started happening) ...but again..these are just my random fears and thoughts. I just don't ever want to think that my needs aren't as important or my desires aren't as important.

Again, these are just my thoughts and fears..or maybe worry is a better word then fear. I may think of more when I get into bed tonight but for now, that's all there is...

Do with it what you will..

...something odd

TJ has arrived home well and happy from his business trip. He was pleased to find all the children happy and safe and a home made "Welcome Home" Banner was hung ever so nicely in the living room (That myself and one of my daughters made...the 3 yr old could not be interrupted from her rock collecting to come color the letters lol)

He made a pit stop at my work on his way home to gather the keys to the van (so he could drive himself home, apparently the cab driver was driving him crazy and he could not bare to spend the last 20 minutes of the ride with him). I ran down from my office and gave him my keys and a long awaited kiss.

The evening was wonderful. We were a family once again. Saturday, too, was great: had t-ball practice the grandparents came over for lunch, it was really nice. Then TJ remembered that when he had used the van the day before he had to stop for gas because I had let it get low. So after the kids were in bed and he was sure I was done checking my emails he asked me to bring him a utensil from the kitchen.

I had hoped he was only kidding when he had mentioned earlier that we would "Talk" about the gas thing later on, but I was wrong. The thing about TJ (good or bad) is that no matter what the rule, there is no excuse for breaking it. He sees a broken rule as a sign of disrespect to him and to our relationship.

So I brought him a wooden spatula and after a short discussion the spanking was underway. For some reason my left butt cheek was particularly tender and I asked him to please stay away from there and he could see that I wasn't trying to get out of the spanking but that the area I was talking about was sore. Then a few strokes later I stood up and said "Wait...I need a second..I'm getting angry,"

"Do you think we should just stop cos your angry?"

"Well, I think that if we continue when I'm angry, I'll only get angrier and then this won't work I think it would be bad," I explained. He agreed but told me that I shouldn't just say stop, I should ask for him to stop and then ask to explain. (agreed)

We finished and he hugged me. He asked why I was getting mad, was it at him, was it at myself, what was going on. I have no answer for it. I dont' really know what was making me mad. It was very odd. I was bending over thinking "All you had to do was put gas in the damn car," and the next thing I knew I was angry. Not at him, not at me...at what? I have no idea.

It passed and the spanking went on and things are fine. He did take a minute to explain to me again that it's ok if I need to stop because of something like that because he agreed spanking me when Im in that mindset isn't going to get either of us anywhere. But that it is not my place to tell him to stop, I am to ask for him to give me a minute.

I still don't know what caused the short bout of anger but the fact that he was willing to let it pass before continuing (And that he did continue) showed me that he is as loving as I thought he was and that he can still be HOH and compassionate at the same time. Also, the fact that he picked up on the whole tell vs ask thing (which I did not until he mentioned it) tells me that perhaps he's not just pretending thes life for me...perhaps I have unlocked something in him that was there this entire time... time will tell..

...as for the tender tush on the left side. I had him look it over for me cos as I explained to him "It wasn't like 'ouch' pain like a harsh spanking gives... it's like the kind of pain that makes me want to punch who ever is inflicting it right in the face kind of pain..." He didn't see anything wrong but thought that maybe our bedroom activities from the nite before might have pulled a muscle or something.. perhaps it was that I hadn't had a spaking in a week? who knows...