When I first found this world of spanking/submission, HOH, kinky sex, what ever category you want to place this all in, I was so enthralled with it all I couldn't get enough of it. TJ was away when I discovered it all. I don't remember now if he was deployed at the time or simply gone for field exercise..but none the less, he wasn't home.
I came across this world and me having absolutely no patience, no knowledge, and being all of 19/20ish jumped head first into it. I looked up everything, read everything, joined chat rooms, and by the time I talked with TJ about it all I was sure I wanted it ALL and I wanted it NOW. I wanted to be his slave, his sub, his wife, his whatever. I wanted beatings and I wanted to be completely controlled and I wanted it all right at the moment I told him about it.
Needless to say the man was a bit taken a back when we had our conversation. We were very young, only married a year (maybe two) and I was (am?) a very stubborn, thick headed, know it all, control freak of a woman how could I possibly give up control that I've been ripping from him since the day we met?
It was a complete mess! My fantasies never came to reality (well duh...I know) he never took control (how could he with me directing him what to do?) and the idea of completely controlling me was not very appealing to him. I settled for just spanking and the occasionally kinky sex scene..even started my own website about it (cos I knew everything within a month or so! *shaking head* I was so stupid!) I closed down that site only a month or so later because I simply was too ignorant to keep it up, I finally realized I knew nothing. (This was before blogs)
TJ finally told me he had no interest in being in control of me on any level. SPLAT! Dreams shattered. I sucked it up and we moved on. (fun spankings were a norm with us so that didn't go away...they didn't put *spanky* under my highschool photo in the yearbook for nothin WEG)
Fast forward...we tried a few more times with the D/s or whatever you want to call it each time it failing miserably. Finally, we tried simple DD (yes, I'm aware DD isn't simple) and it stuck...and has stuck for well over a year now (after 10 yrs of marriage!)
Lately, I've had different feelings. Wanting something deeper..something MORE. It's all very confusing to me and I'm having a hard time pinpointing what it is I want.
The past few weeks I've tried being more "serving" to TJ. What I found is I kinda liked it. Plating his dinner (which I kinda always did), getting his lunch together (when I had time, kids first he says), shaving in places he likes me shaved, etc... Then a few times this week he's told me (in regards to me getting something or making something for him) "I can do it myself," and the tone was kind of annoyed.
I felt completely rejected. Isn't that odd? All I was going to do was get him (I think it was) tea and he said "I can do it myself" and last night when I said "Let's go make Daddy his dinner" to the baby when TJ walked in (he was home late and we had all eaten already) he said agian "I can get it myself," with the same tone.
Last night, I had gotten in trouble for talking rudely too him (which I think was a result of me feeling rejected and instead of talking to him I was disrepectful). After the spanking he sent me to bed (as usual), when he came to tuck me in he could see something was wrong and when I tried to explain it all to him he appologized.
He told me that he didn't want me overdoing it now that I'm home more. He said he didn't want me to think I "had" to do things for him. He was just trying to keep me from over doing it, but I saw it as a rejection. He told me that if he ever says anything or does anything that makes me feel like that again I am to tell him right away. During the conversation he also said "I dont' want a slave...well...I do...just not you being the slave" My heart just broke when he said that until he explained (cos he could see in my face that it hurt) "No, no...I don't mean it like that. I mean, yes it would be nice to have a slave to do all my chores and stuff..but I don't mean 'slave' like how you mean slave." he was trying to be funny but it backfired. "Do you want to be a slave?" he asked me and I just shook my head. "No, I don't have that in me to do that,"
URRGGHH! I have no flipping idea what I want or need!!! I know that I love it when he tells me to do something. My heart soars when he says things like "Yes, you can go to the library if your bring your wrist bands" (for my carpal tunnel that I avoid like the plague) and when he said "I have a chore for you....." I got a little high. When I disappoint him it hurts me. Like last night just going into his room at the allotted time made my heart sink, not just because he was holding his belt in his hand but because I knew I had upset him, again.
So here I sit, confused, frusterated, and feeling awfully alone. I dont want to dive into what I dove into before. I dont want to confuse him and I feel like I'm changing his role or telling him 'Be more like *this*"... I want him to be who he is and is he dominant? Is he capable of being more controlling or more interested in what I do? Is he even interested in doing that...and what if we do start down this new road and I say "Wait..I don't like it...let's back off again"
Thanks for tuning in for this weeks rant and rave... check back soon and you might see a raving lune running about with no panties and a whip in hand!
6 comments:
My god how I wish I could have had the courage and resources to have gone as far as you have in accepting and growing into my identity and orientation as you areat such your age. You should be very proud of you, and of you both.
This is not easy. It is so counter-intuitive to all of our socialization.
Just a thought......it might help or not. It may be worth exactly what you've paid for it.....nothing. Why don't you forget what to label what it is you and He want you and your relationship to become. Throw out HOH, disciplinee, Master, slave. Dominant, submissive....whatever from your description of you and He. Decide what it is you think you want to be functionally for each other and more over for yourselves. Having done that try it. Likely your first experiences will not be entirely "right" and you'll have to adjust based on the new learnings you have gained from your experience. Beleive me, speaking as someone 60, even if you get to a place that is good for you at any given time, that too will change as you age and life occurs. Once you get to your good place then, if it serves a purpose for you both, and only if it serves a purpose, then find more globally accepted terms that describe who you are, then try them on.
In all honesty I think you are headed for what is generally thought of as an M/s relationship...but that is me...overlaying my phenomenological frame, my perspective based on my experience onto yours. What I think could not be any more irrelevant. What you find you are, when you peel away all the filters you have been raised with (as much as you can), and forget about trying to fulfill the expectations of any model (DD, BDSM, whatever), is what matters. And it matters very much!
Congratulations on the open communication it sounds like the two of you have.
The stress you are having is good even if it is uncomfortable. You didn't get your baby without pain and distress. You are giving birth you who you are, and with that birth comes pain and distress too.
Wow! you are so much further along than people were (and I was) when I was in my twenties!
All the best,
Tom
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.
Tom,
Thanks for the insight. I agree that I need to shed the "labels" and be who I am. I have a tendency to try to 'fit' into a mold and when I don't I see it as a failure and get even more stressed about it.
I often thought that finding this all when I was so young was a blessing (and definitely explained the BDSM fantasies I had as a young teen...even though I had no idea there was such a thing at the time) and in some ways it's been hard. TJ was just as young (he's only a year my senior) so asking a 21 year old guy to be so dominating... really what does anyone that young know about themselves?
It was almost like asking him to hurry up and finish maturing. But now that 10 yrs have gone by I think maybe we are both more insync with our own selves to maybe answer these kinds of questions.
I'm having trouble finding myself but I'm also worried that he doesn't know himself or what if what he wants isn't the same...it's hard. I'm sure in the end it will all be worth it, and I'll be comfortable again. First thing, I need to focus on me and not so much on what I think others would or do think about our relationship...
Hi Measha,
I really like your blog. I've been reading for a while now. You are not alone, I feel like I am constantly going through - one day things are great, and the next day, I'm confused and don't know what to do. It's also hard when you want your husband to want what you want, but you don't know what he wants. That's how I feel anyway. Hope your feeling better soon.
Ally
Measha, This is a really interesting and insightful description of your journey. Mostly I don't think about labels, like Tom said. I usually see a label and I think "Hmm, no, that's really not US." Nothing seems to describe US and I'm betting it's the same with many others. We don't fit the labels and wonder where we went wrong. Then comes frustration and loneliness. I keep reminding myself that I'm ME and no one else - that we're US and not some label. I may not be a sub or a slave or any other category, but I can be the best Wife to Lash that I can be and WE decide what that entails. Oops! Sorry for the mini-rant. Maybe I need to do a post!
Hope you're feeling better by now! Meow
I love the word verification that showed up after my last comment: "trainsub". How interesting! Meow
Ally, it is good to hear that I'm not alone in this feeling. It can be very frustrating.
Meow, you are so right. We dont' really fit neatly into any one label and when I try to force us into one, I feel like we are failing or not "doing this right". Time to take the limitations of a label away and just be "us". *determined nod of head* LOL
Thanks
Measha
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