A comment on a previous post I had asked for me to further explain "my fear of losing myself in this" in regards to submission. So here goes. Please keep in mind these (as always) are my own ramblings based on my own thoughts.
I think everyone has a different definition of Submission and that there are several degrees or levels of it. I don't think there are any "right" or "wrong" ways to go about being submissive. (Although, there are always exceptions...granted) So here is my definition or at least how submission plays a roll in my home.
I have accepted that my husband is the leader of our home, he has authority over me and our family. That, though we may discuss issues, his decision is the final one in our home.
That said, one of the things I'm afraid of is being mindlessly obedient. By this I mean, obeying him without thought to the matter. Now, I'm not saying that every rule or dictate by Tj should be weighed and thought over before obeying but I do not want to become some robot who simply does as she's told simply because she was told to. Example:
I make my own laundry detergent (works great, lasts us months and only costs $5.00) to make.) I keep a bit bucket of it in a storage container and keep a small bottle in the laundry room. TJ doesnt' do laundry very often, but let's say he does a load one night and uses the last of the detergent in the smaller bottle. The next morning as he's leaving for the day he tells me "There's no more laundry soap make another batch this weekend,". I do not want to simply go and do it becuase he said to and not even giving it thought I can say to him. "I still have a bunch in the storage bucket, I fill up the bottle in the laundry room"
Obviously, a very simple example but I think it shows my meaning.
I, also, don't want to become someone who believes that their own thoughts, feelings, or needs have to be second (notice the italics of the words have to). I am afraid that if I'm spending most of my energy on making sure his needs or wants are met how will I make sure my needs are being met too? I am human. I have wants and needs, too. It's all well and good to say that if I take care of him he'll in turn take care of me (which to an extent has already started happening) ...but again..these are just my random fears and thoughts. I just don't ever want to think that my needs aren't as important or my desires aren't as important.
Again, these are just my thoughts and fears..or maybe worry is a better word then fear. I may think of more when I get into bed tonight but for now, that's all there is...
Do with it what you will..
1 comment:
Measha -- thank you for taking the time to respond to my question. I asked it, in part, because I remember worrying about the same thing when I was new to all of this...
I have a few thoughts about this:
First, it is the rare dominant who really wants a mindlessly obedient robot. The "typical" dominant (if there is such a thing) comes to want a submissive who serves and makes his or her life easier. Doing that well requires attention and initiative and intellect. It is possible that your dominant partner sees it differently, but it would be unusual for that to be so.
Secondly, when it comes to getting your needs and wants taken care of TOO, that is really a function of the way the dynamic gets defined between you and your partner. There is no "one true way." It is not a function of "submission" itself, but the agreements and understandings and patterns the two of you establish.
Lastly, I think that you need to consider if the changes that WILL come if you surrender control to your partner really equal a "loss of yourself." Characterizing it like that can make the changes ahead seem scarier than they need to be. I think that the inevitable change that a deliberate power shift brings can be positive and empowering. If it feels like a loss or an amputation or some sort of major diminishment in your life, then something is out of kilter and you and your partner need to examine what that is about.
All the best,
swan
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