TJ is currently out of town for work so we have been conversing through IM. Actually, he got us Skype so we could webcam each other each night but that feels too weird so I IM him instead LOL.
Last night we discussed DD. It was probably the most productive conversation we've had about it. And I really should thank Tom for his comment on my previous post, since it's what got my brain turning.
Apparently, I have been telling TJ more often than not when to punish me and how to punish me. I knew I did this occassionally but not as often as TJ seems to think. During our conversation he said "If you would just step back..." After about twenty more messages back and forth I concluded "OK...I will do my best to just step back...but what if I need a spanking just to get closure on a subject...is that controlling too?" Luckily for me his answer was no, that was fine. If I need a spanking for "closure" purposes then I am to ask him for it, not demand, or tell him he should, but ask for a spanking.
So, we shall see how this "stepping back" works....I'm sure I've tried it before..but we shall see.
I'm also trying to think of ways to put myself more into the submissive wife mindset. TJ is totatlly laid back and really doesn't have many rules for me. There are no rituals or set goals for us, just be respectful. Which prompts me to ask a question: Is there anything you do that makes you feel more submissive? Or for the fellas (I know your out there) Is there anything you do to feel more HOH or ask your wife to do to help get her in the right mindset?
Just posing a question.... do with what you will....
5 comments:
officially; haven't had any sort of conversation before this, so I hope you will forgive me for jumping in here, but this is a topic that I've thought about and talked about (well, written about) a lot...
You ask if there are things you can do to feel more like a "submissive wife." Or if there are things that your husband can do to "be more HOH."
Taking the second part of your question first, I honestly believe that the tendency to be dominant is an inborn personality trait, just like the tendency to be outgoing, or gentle, or melancholy. Our culture doesn't encourage men to behave dominantly in their intimate relationships, so it is possible for a dominant man to appear much less so than he might actually be, by nature. However, if a man is not naturally dominant, I don't think you can "make" him be what he really isn't. He might ACT in particular ways, but it will always be an act. I don't know your husband. It could be that he is discovering the dominant part of himself and bringing it to life. That happens. It could also be that he is trying to do this because you have expressed that it is important to you. Depending on which it is, and only the two of you really know that, the liklihood of "success" is radically different.
As for you feeling more like "a submissive wife," again some of this is about what is really truthfully in your nature. Not all women are inclined toward submission, and especially younger women have grown up believing that they had the right to be treated as equals. Culturally based beliefs are very hard to shift.
The simplest thing you can do to start feeling more submissive is to do it -- submit. Waiting for him to "make" you submit sets you both up for continual frustration. After all, why should he make you submit when you say it is what you want to do? That "he has to make me" is an entirely different kind of power exchange play. Some people like it but it isn't what I think you are trying to achieve.
If you decide to submit, then you will begin to look for ways to please and serve him, with or without his input. Your focus will shift from you to him. There will be a whole lot less of "I want" and "I need" and "I expect" in your mind and in your communication with him. Those things will come to be replaced by "I am his, what does he need or desire in this moment?" You will prepare his meals with love and dedication, seeking to make every detail pleasing to him. You will iron his shirts with a view toward making him happy. You will begin to speak and move with him as your focus, and your voice and your physical presentation will shift accordingly. As you submit, you will "feel more submissive."
None of that is easy, and the changes don't happen quickly. In doing this, you are going against the societal norms you have learned, and against many of your own instincts and expectations. It is however, the only effective way to become the "submissive wife" that you want to be.
All the best,
swan
Sorry -- that was supposed to begin with:
"Measha -- "You and I haven't met..."
I don't know what happened. A Blogger quirk? Or a brain fuzz on my part?
Who knows?
swan
Hi Measha,
I think swan was right on the money. We are very much a dominant/submissive pair, although for years I struggled against it. Once I relaxed and simply behaved submissively, without reservation, things got a whole lot better between us. A little respect goes a long way. Looking out for his best interests in turn made him mindful of my own. Yeah, I started calling him 'Sir' and we both love that.
We aren't in a DD relationship, although there are definite elements of it present.
Hugs,
Hermione
Swan and Hermione, you gave me a lot to think about. TJ has always been the most laid back person I know, not very aggressive and not very dominating..however..when given the room he really shines through.
I have found that when I push against him, he won't budge, but he also won't push back really. What I mean is he won't pull me along in my acceptance of his authority. If I do, great and he's thrilled and life is much more pleasant for us all. But if I don't, then he tends to step back a bit because he doesn't want to force it on me...although there are exceptions to this just like anything.
I'm still throwing all these ideas around my head. One thing I'm fearful of is losing myself in this. I don't want to lose me..I like me (finally after 30 yrs)
Thanks again for the thoughts...mine are mostly ramblings now lol
Measha -- I am wondering what you meant when you said, "I am fearful of losing myself in this?" Can you say more about that fear?
swan
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