Letting go...

TJ is currently out of town for work so we have been conversing through IM. Actually, he got us Skype so we could webcam each other each night but that feels too weird so I IM him instead LOL.

Last night we discussed DD. It was probably the most productive conversation we've had about it. And I really should thank Tom for his comment on my previous post, since it's what got my brain turning.

Apparently, I have been telling TJ more often than not when to punish me and how to punish me. I knew I did this occassionally but not as often as TJ seems to think. During our conversation he said "If you would just step back..." After about twenty more messages back and forth I concluded "OK...I will do my best to just step back...but what if I need a spanking just to get closure on a subject...is that controlling too?" Luckily for me his answer was no, that was fine. If I need a spanking for "closure" purposes then I am to ask him for it, not demand, or tell him he should, but ask for a spanking.

So, we shall see how this "stepping back" works....I'm sure I've tried it before..but we shall see.

I'm also trying to think of ways to put myself more into the submissive wife mindset. TJ is totatlly laid back and really doesn't have many rules for me. There are no rituals or set goals for us, just be respectful. Which prompts me to ask a question: Is there anything you do that makes you feel more submissive? Or for the fellas (I know your out there) Is there anything you do to feel more HOH or ask your wife to do to help get her in the right mindset?

Just posing a question.... do with what you will....

This past week

I did something really stupid this past week and of course I got caught. It's all a very long story and not that exciting so I'll skip to the end of it.

TJ was really really mad at me for what I had done and couldn't spank at the moment because he was that mad. So I had to stand in the corner while he calmed down. (HATE THE CORNER btw) By the time he got back over to me with the paddle in his hand I explained to him why what I had done was wrong and that I was sorry. He let it go. Yup. He said basically..I'm summarizing here.. "lesson learned".

Uhhhhhh....has he met me??? Hi, I'm Measha SPANKO. So it ate at me and ate at me that he just let it go. I withdrew from him, because a real snot towards him, (he did spank once for direct disobedience when I didn't go to bed) but really it was a messy week. We talked it all through the other night though...so it's all ok, now.

Why do I bring this up...well...cos I have thoughts.

1. I realized this week that I still control things around here a bit more then I'd like. For example I did what I did without permission becuase I knew if I asked he would have said no. Now...does that sound like a submissive woman? NO. That sounds like a "well...he'll say yes so I'll ask him...but if he's going to say no, I won't" woman...not good for a DD relationship.

2. I really do need a spanking even after everything is forgiven and worked through. The spanking isn't what really "Teaches" anything, that's all done by communication and intelligence..but it clears the air.

3. TJ still, after all this time, didn't understand what I wanted out of a HOH or what my thought were on his "job description". And I didn't see his point of view either. He feels like he'll have me do things I don't want to just becuase I want to please him.. I had to remind him that a) I'm not stupid and b)I'm no doormat...I can still say no, and explain why .

It was a somewhat enlightening week.....who knows what next week will bring.

Tattoo

TJ is contemplating getting a new tattoo. He has a tribal ring (I think that's what it's called) around his right bicep but would like to get another one. I suggested something with our children's names on them. He declined, saying that he thought that would be bad luck. I then suggested having his wedding band tattoo'd onto his finger..he laughed. I then suggested that he get a paddle put on the back of his right shoulder. He said No...it would have to go on his forearm. The handle would be on the arm and it would be pointed downwards so that the paddle portion would be on the top of his right hand......I may just make a spanko out of him yet!

A spanko is a spanko...at all times

Last night I was helping to set up a community yard sale. I was walking around with my little stickers, pricing items. When I got over to the clothing accessory section I came across an old brown wide leather belt. This belt had been used...quite used. The leather was no longer stiff but had been worked rather well so that it rolled up easily.

To anyone else they may have looked at it and thought "Oh..too old," and put it back. My thought: "This would make an awesome implement. It's no good for wearing anymore...but we could hang it up in the bedroom on the wall..." and then I started to think of the spankings that would be given with that belt and I rolled it back up and put it down.

I put it down for a few reasons. 1.) I was a bit embarrassed about buying it. I know logically no one there would know why I was buying it, but I would know. 2) I promised myself that if TJ wanted something new to use he'd have to get it himself. and 3) The yard sale was in a church and I was getting a little too "excited" just holding the darn thing. I had to put it down and walk away least I embarrass myself.

Although...the sale is today. I might stop by and see if it sold......

He said no...and I loved it!

When I'm not chasing toddlers, wipping baby butts, and writing sexy stories I work for an ophthalmologist. We have opened up an optical shop at work and I get to purchase glasses at cost.

I only use my glasses for computer work and reading so I'm very abusive towards them. I toss them on the desk when I walk away and there are times I find them at the bottom of my purse, having fallen out of their case. Needless to say I've owned this pair for 3 months and they have a few scratches in them. I would like a new pair (a spare) and I picked out 2 pairs of frames I liked and asked the optician to put them aside for me. (So I could ask TJ..which I did via Text)

Yesterday, he must have remembered that I had asked him and I received this text:
"Oh, No glasses. Not until blah blah blah is paid off..." Was I disappointed? Yep, you bet. But I was thrilled to my toes! I think this is may have been the first time in a while he has told me no. Usually, he would say sure...and he would go without something in order to pay for it. But he didn't this time. The things he wants to pay for first are totally more important then a spare pair of glasses for me, and I hadn't even thought of those things. I was elated!

I told the optician to just keep the sku number but that she could put the frames back on the board for now. She asked if TJ had said no (she knew I was going to run it past him first). I said "Yeah, he said no for now" and she was going to leave it at that. A few other co-workers heard our conversation and a few comments were made about me being a "Nice little obedient wifey" and none were meant as a compliment.

The optician (newly married herself) asked "So who should I follow...you who ask or her who just buys without asking" I just looked at the other ladies (most of whom hide purchases from their husbands and sneak them into their closets late at night) and answered for myself. "It depends. If you buying without asking upsets him then ask. If he doesnt' care what you do with the money then don't. It depends on your relationship with him. It bothers TJ when I buy stuff (other than food) without asking first, so I ask," A few more little comments were thrown around but I just brushed them off. Afterall, TJ and are happy and it works for us.

Also, I'm not hiding it anymore..he's the boss...society can just get used to it!

A struggle

The last spanking I got really opened my eyes a bit more to what DD really is. It's not all about spanking. Yes, in my head I've always told myself that but in the back of my mind I would think differently. There's so much more to it.

I have to actually submit to his authority. I have to actually believe in my mind and heart that TJ is the head of our household. That his word is law. Otherwise, what's the point of all of this? Not only do I have to believe it and trust in it, I have to act on it. When he says something, I have to obey it.

Yesterday, we headed out of town for the day with all three kids in tow for a family gathering. The drive was about 1 1/2 hrs each way. On the way home our oldest was cranky (which is really an understatement) and we could not get her to stop yelling and crying about a piece of candy which she dropped in the back of the van. Finally, TJ turned to me and said "Do not talk to her anymore until she calms down," and he was going to do the same. It was so hard for me, my baby girl was back there crying "Mommy" and I had to ignore her. I did it, though.

As I was sitting in the passendger seat listening to her crying and babbling about the candy I was thinking "Does he even realize that I'm doing what he told me to?" Does he see it that way, that I'm being obedient in this moment? And then it hit me. I'm obedient maybe 25 % of the time.

If that's true (and I think it is) when I am obedient does he just think "Eh...it won't last" ?

Is all of this just for show so I get spankings? .... I'm struggling today.