Friday, June 17, 2011

Losing myself?

Things are slow as usual around here...and a horrible thing seems to be happening. I'm losing myself. I still want a DD relationship even a D/s one...but it seems that since I've had to really accept it may never really happen my submissive side has shut down. And I miss her!

I want it back, I want the craving, the vulnerability, the feeling of being taken care of, of taking care of him. I want it all back. The little butterflies in my stomach as I remove my clothing for bed...because he required me to sleep nude. The feeling of being held by him (yes, I'm stealing from a movie with that line...but it fits so well) while obeying a dictate or simply doing a task the way he wants it done instead of the way I'd want it done.

Yes, I could go back to all the rules he's made in the past and just start obeying them again and not care that he doesn't care....but I can't. To do that made me feel as though I was playing a game that no one else was playing with me. It didn't feel real in any sense, simply a role play. Do I need the threat of a punishment to make me behave, not really...but that I'm allowed to lose control and just left out there in limbo... I miss the accountability.

I dont' feel right like this... this vanilla woman who is back to pretending that the random slaps on the ass are unwanted, for fear that he will see how much I really crave him.

I find myself becoming a bitch again. Snappish and petty. He just gives threatening looks that only make me angry and I make another snappy comment...which usually results in "Well, someone's a crabby ass today..." and he laughs and gives me a big hug.

For a little while I thought I was "cured" of my little bdsm fetish. Maybe I didn't need it...maybe it was linked to a bruised self esteem that has been healed. But....vanilla sex bores me silly, and I end up fantasizing to get through it. When he says anything that sounds remotely like an order or a reprimand my spine tingles and my tummy flutters.

i am lost. i am completely lost......

1 comment:

Kady said...

oh, Measha. My heart aches for you. To want something so badly, and not have it really hurts. Esp. when we know it makes our relationship so much better. I know pretending doesn't help, it only makes the pain greater. I hope you can find a way to at least have a little chocolate mixed in with your vanilla life.