Once and again

I'm not sure what happened.

I made my decision. I wasn't going put up with it anymore, I was going to do what needed to be done so that I could move forward. I was going to ask TJ for a separation. I was all set to do it, I was only waiting until after the new year. I knew exactly what I was going to say, knew what I wanted from him, and was ready to go.

The night came that I had planned to have the talk with him, the kids were in bed sleeping, the house was cleaned up from all the holiday crap and it was just the two of us. I opened my mouth to start the conversation and nothing. Not a peep came out. I shut my mouth and tried again, nothing. He was starting to look at me strangely.

"What?" he asked me when I made a third attempt. "You ok?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my forehead. I sighed. We watched a movie instead.

I don't' know why I didn't say what I was thinking, other than I didn't really want him to move out anymore.

The following night I told him all of this and he stared at me blankly.

"You didn't want to have the talk or you didn't want the separation?" he asked.

"I think I didn't want the separation any more."

"Well, as long as your sure. Are we separating?" he asked pointedly.

"I don't think so."

"I dont' understand. Nothings changed -" And the light bulb illuminated. "Oh." he said flatly.

"Exactly," I smiled.

Is everything fine and dandy? Nope, far from it. The problems are still there...he has still made little effort to resolve the issues...but he has made some. I can't say what happened, why I changed my mind, or why my heart warmed towards him again... but it did.

During the same conversation, TJ mentioned that I was to get a spanking for letting the gas tank empty that day (the light went on with all the kids in the car and he was worried we wouldn't get to a gas station in time) I said "We agreed not to do that anymore..remember?"

"Uh, no. You said we weren't doing it anymore. I said that after the holidays were over we'd be getting right back into it."

"After what I just said, you're gonna spank me?"

"Are we separating?"

"No."

"Then yes. I'm going to spank you."

And he did. It was weird. My head wasn't really into it. It hurt a lot since it's been a few months since my last spanking. It seemed a little silly. I didn't argue though, I went with it.

I have no idea what's going to happen next. It's like my life is a chapter book...did I choose the right path? We'll see.