I have discovered something of myself. I am still afraid that it's not OK to feel this submissive feeling. I know... I know... in my head I know it's ok... but something inside keeps poisoning that thought.
Sometimes I worry that if TJ ever saw how submissive I'd like to be...how dirty I can be, how slutty I could be (for him) he would be completely freaked out and turned off by me. That he would think me a freak of nature and reject me entirely.
So I pull back, I fight this submissive side of me. Obey him?! HA! I am woman hear me roar! BLECH...
I just want to feel safe in my submission. I wanna feel that he doesn't think less of me because I submit to his will. I think that maybe he has the same worry...maybe he doesn't grab the bull by the horns because he's afraid he won't like me if he does. Maybe he doesn't understand that because I chose to be submissive to him doesn't mean that I can't continue to debate politics with him...
I just wanna be me.
3 comments:
It's hard when you aren't able to show who you really are. Can you hint at one small area where you'd like to be more submissive - nothing threatening to either of you and see what he thinks? If he doesn't seem too freaked out, you can gradually work up to the really dirty, slutty stuff! He may love it. I was scared to death to bring some of this up with Lash, but I got to the point where I just had to. I couldn't continue pretending.
That is so hard :( I hope you can open up to him, even if it is one thing at a time.
Measha- I hope that you can open up and share how you really feel. It's hard to have the feelings tucked away, and always fighting them as they try to eek out. I think of you often, I am around anytime you want to talk. I'm glad to see you still posting.
Hugs
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