I have stayed away from my blog for too long. I would like to say it's because of how busy I was with school and work, but that's not entirely the truth. The truth of the matter is that I have been hiding. I thought if I just hid from my blog and others like it, there might still be hope of a return for me. I thought that if I just pushed all of this out of my head it would go away. The urge to belong to someone (really belong) would diminish. The dark fantasies would fade away into the shadows in which I hid myself.
I was also afraid. I was afraid to admit anywhere outside of my own head that things were bad. Fear of boring my readers with yet another downfall of the never ending roller coaster that seems to be my life. I felt that I was beginning to sound like a broken record "Things are bad...Things are good...things are bad...etc" or worse yet- I'd come off as wining.
Although I still fear doing those things and do wish I could flip a switch to make me different, I'm here.
Things are a horrible mess. I would like to say it's just because of the D/s but it's way messier than that. TJ has always had trouble with procrastination., He's the reason stores are open on Christmas eve. "The way to Christmas shop is in a panicked frenzy!" he loves to say as he dashes from store to store. This is how he deals with everything: oil changes, tire fill ups, calling the cell phone company about a bill, getting the driveway guy the blue prints for the job we paid him to do, etc.
Things that I should be able to depend on him to handle -he can't or won't. We've lost the deposit on the driveway (that is badly needed) because he wouldn't let the guy handle getting the permit from the village and insisted on doing it himself- which he never got around to doing. We've had to pay fines to the village because of the driveway not being done, not to mention all the monies gone to late fees and bounced checks because he doesn't seem to have time to balance his checkbook and won't allow me to do any of it. The more I try to depend on him, to stay out of his way, to let him lead, the more often I fall right on my face.
I could do it all myself...and have in the past, which leaves me feeling alone. The way I feel right now is that I'm lonely, and very much alone. i don't have anyone to help me with the day to day stuff, the living together stuff, the couple stuff and I don't have anyone to live a D/s relationship with but I'm not free to pursue anything that will result in finding someone to share those things with.
The inability to rely on him has resulted in a complete breakdown of trust in him. He promises to do something-then doesn't- over and over and over again...I don't trust him. I can't depend on him and it's left me feeling "platonic" towards him. Sex is even more rare than ever and it's mostly because I'm not even trying anymore..and when he tries I'm very far from being in the mood.
The idea of having sex or doing anything sexual with him in the "submissive" mind frame actually irritates me now. I can not have sex with him simply because he wants it like I used to. It used to turn me on having him wake me up for sex, now I'm just annoyed. The other night he was having his way with me (I was too tired to argue or say no) and I just kept thinking "Hurry up! Would you just finish!" ....it was horrible.
The thought of him spanking me is laughable at this point. I would no sooner allow him to do such a thing than I would some stranger on the street.
Everything I want, the rules, the structure, the security is not going to happen with him. He can not even take care of himself let alone me... there is absolutely no trust. The foundation of our relationship is completely broken. The D/s is dead and buried and the vanilla relationship sucks- at best. I don't want a vanilla relationship...I just don't. I have needs and wants and he can't fulfill them. Nor can I fulfill his vanilla wants and needs.
We are in a horrible place and the longer it goes on the further away I move from him. He knows it, and sees it and we've talked and talked and talked. I've made it damn clear on what needs to happen and he says "it will take time...give me time" but it has been months since we started these talks. We separated our checking accounts over a month ago, along with it the bills. He has not paid a single bill. Not one.
I'm not sure how much longer our marriage is going to last. He tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day, he calls me to tell me, he texts me... he doesn't get it. Love isn't the problem. Well, maybe in some way it is. I don't feel love like a vanilla woman does.
So there it is. I'm miserable, he's miserable. It's all screwed up so badly I don't see much hope that things will improve. I've tried everything I can try, I can not make him do what he wont' do. I can't make him grow up. But I can't allow him to drag me down much more. I deserve to be happy, to have the relationship I want, to have someone who is loving and supportive and reliable. He deserves those things, too.
Showing posts with label submissive feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label submissive feelings. Show all posts
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
She should be....
Some qualities a submissive should have (remember, these are just things in my head and really shouldn't be taken as anything other than frivolous thinking and not some hard line rule for anyone)
1. Have the want/need to be obedient. I remember when I was first starting to find my interest in all of this submission stuff, I wanted nothing more than for someone to make me obey them. Because, you see, if he made me than it wasn't my fault that I was being obedient. It would be okay to shed the feminist ideals and follow a man's lead, it would be his doing, not my own. Obviously, that isn't the way to go. When a woman offers her submission freely and with the true desire to be led and to be submissive to the man she loves, it makes for a much more fertile garden for their relationship to grow.
2. Be Open to suggestions/demands. She has to be open to learning new things. Not just sexually, he may want his shirts ironed a different way than she is used to doing. She needs to be able to accept that her way isn't the only way, and most likely won't be the right way if he says it's not.
3. Be strong. Some people misconstrue being submissive with being a doormat. A recently had a conversation with someone about me being submissive and she just kept shaking her head and saying "I just don't see you as being submissive," and I explained that my submission to TJ did not mean that I did know what I want or that I was not willing to ask or even demand for what I need. The submissive woman can not have the mindset that she is "less than" her Dom/Husband/Master/ Etc.. she is just as important, she is just as wonderful. Her needs have a place, too in the relationship and if they aren't met the relationship will end. (Just like in a vanilla relationship) So the submissive woman needs to be able to respectfully put her foot down and say "This is what I need out of this relationship..." and as long as it is done with respect I think any Top would be able to handle it. Being strong doesn't mean being overbearing and nagging, it means being able to express your needs and wants...and being a submissive also means understanding the difference between wants and needs.
4. Trustworthy. As with any relationship, there has to be trust and dependability. If he can't spank her for being naughty without worrying that she's gonna call the cops on him...the relationship is going to suffer. If she throws his dominance in his face when she gets a little upset with him and makes idle threats of leaving or turning him in for "abuse" than there will definitely be issues and the relationship will go no where and real quick.
Here's a mistake I made the other day that TJ brought my attention to, I didn't really realize what I had been doing...
TJ and I had a little quibble kind of serious but fixable...anyway...in the middle of our chat he reached over and starting touching me. This usually means he's done with the conversation and wants to move on to make up time. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and he said "So?"
"You can't just use me!" I blurted out...a small attempt at playing hard to get.
"Don't do that. You can't say that. Cos then when I do try to, I feel guilty and you get upset if I never do,"
He got me there. Even though I wasn't really meaning it, I was just teasing him a bit, because I wanted to be conquered at the moment...it sends messy signals. So..I apologized and well.... he got his. WEG
1. Have the want/need to be obedient. I remember when I was first starting to find my interest in all of this submission stuff, I wanted nothing more than for someone to make me obey them. Because, you see, if he made me than it wasn't my fault that I was being obedient. It would be okay to shed the feminist ideals and follow a man's lead, it would be his doing, not my own. Obviously, that isn't the way to go. When a woman offers her submission freely and with the true desire to be led and to be submissive to the man she loves, it makes for a much more fertile garden for their relationship to grow.
2. Be Open to suggestions/demands. She has to be open to learning new things. Not just sexually, he may want his shirts ironed a different way than she is used to doing. She needs to be able to accept that her way isn't the only way, and most likely won't be the right way if he says it's not.
3. Be strong. Some people misconstrue being submissive with being a doormat. A recently had a conversation with someone about me being submissive and she just kept shaking her head and saying "I just don't see you as being submissive," and I explained that my submission to TJ did not mean that I did know what I want or that I was not willing to ask or even demand for what I need. The submissive woman can not have the mindset that she is "less than" her Dom/Husband/Master/ Etc.. she is just as important, she is just as wonderful. Her needs have a place, too in the relationship and if they aren't met the relationship will end. (Just like in a vanilla relationship) So the submissive woman needs to be able to respectfully put her foot down and say "This is what I need out of this relationship..." and as long as it is done with respect I think any Top would be able to handle it. Being strong doesn't mean being overbearing and nagging, it means being able to express your needs and wants...and being a submissive also means understanding the difference between wants and needs.
4. Trustworthy. As with any relationship, there has to be trust and dependability. If he can't spank her for being naughty without worrying that she's gonna call the cops on him...the relationship is going to suffer. If she throws his dominance in his face when she gets a little upset with him and makes idle threats of leaving or turning him in for "abuse" than there will definitely be issues and the relationship will go no where and real quick.
Here's a mistake I made the other day that TJ brought my attention to, I didn't really realize what I had been doing...
TJ and I had a little quibble kind of serious but fixable...anyway...in the middle of our chat he reached over and starting touching me. This usually means he's done with the conversation and wants to move on to make up time. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and he said "So?"
"You can't just use me!" I blurted out...a small attempt at playing hard to get.
"Don't do that. You can't say that. Cos then when I do try to, I feel guilty and you get upset if I never do,"
He got me there. Even though I wasn't really meaning it, I was just teasing him a bit, because I wanted to be conquered at the moment...it sends messy signals. So..I apologized and well.... he got his. WEG
Friday, April 16, 2010
Seriously...I need to take a seminar on titles!
This past week has been a busy week...as are most weeks around here. TJ has been playfully swatting me for days. This morning he swatted my bottom so hard it took a few seconds for me to catch my breath from the shock of it. (He was awfully proud of himself!)
He started playing around with the a wooden dowel rod that he found in the bedroom behind the door and was eyeing me with it.
"You are really aching to spank my bottom!" I accused him.
"Yes! It's been a while and I'm not used to it," he swooshed the thing through the air a few times for effect and put it away. Thankfully! I am not sure what it was doing up in our room and I have plans to go back up there and hide it..or throw it away.
I'm half tempted just to screw up a little so that he can get the spanking out of his system. I've mentioned that he can give a spanking just to give a spanking but he doesn't seem to keen on that idea. But if something doesn't happen soon, his playful swats are going to be leaving quite a bruise!
In all seriousness, I'm glad that I haven't earned a spanking in a while. I've been mostly very relaxed these past few weeks. I'm starting to see that when I back off, he steps up. I have to trust more and take more risks. I've always thought that I was vulnerable with TJ...but not as vulnerable as I should be. He's going to mess up, and I'm going to mess up but to continue guarding myself from his screw ups only keeps me in control of things that I don't want to be in control of.
One little thing at a time.
He started playing around with the a wooden dowel rod that he found in the bedroom behind the door and was eyeing me with it.
"You are really aching to spank my bottom!" I accused him.
"Yes! It's been a while and I'm not used to it," he swooshed the thing through the air a few times for effect and put it away. Thankfully! I am not sure what it was doing up in our room and I have plans to go back up there and hide it..or throw it away.
I'm half tempted just to screw up a little so that he can get the spanking out of his system. I've mentioned that he can give a spanking just to give a spanking but he doesn't seem to keen on that idea. But if something doesn't happen soon, his playful swats are going to be leaving quite a bruise!
In all seriousness, I'm glad that I haven't earned a spanking in a while. I've been mostly very relaxed these past few weeks. I'm starting to see that when I back off, he steps up. I have to trust more and take more risks. I've always thought that I was vulnerable with TJ...but not as vulnerable as I should be. He's going to mess up, and I'm going to mess up but to continue guarding myself from his screw ups only keeps me in control of things that I don't want to be in control of.
One little thing at a time.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Clothing.
Yesterday, I talked briefly about the change of clothing. I have put away my jeans and sweats and replaced them with skirts and a dress. At first I did this simply at a suggestion from another woman, not really thinking it would make that much of a difference. Wow! I was wrong! Taking off my scrubs and slipping into a skirt really does transform my mindset. I can't really say that I feel more "subbie" when I have a skirt on...well...maybe that is a good way to say it. I do know that I feel much more feminine. I do feel more soft natured and am way more mindful of who and what I am. I know...seems kinda silly to get all those feelings simply by donning a skirt; however that's how it's been. I walk slower, sway my hips a bit more, and am more conscience of my posture. Cos, if you are going to wear a pretty skirt and a nice top you need to make sure you aren't popping out of places you don't want to be popping out of. And really....what's the point of a nice outfit if you are all wrinkled and have mustard stains on your shirt? I put on makeup every day now. I used to put on make up one day and even though I washed my face, there seemed to always be a little left behind. So I could put on mascara and eyeliner on Monday and wouldn't really need to re-apply until Wed or Thursday..I know...not the most girlish behavior. Now, I make sure I have washed all of the makeup off each day and re-apply a fresh face. I only wear eye liner and mascara..maybe some eyeshadow so it's not that big of a deal to do it daily, I have learned. TJ doesn't like tons of make up...so I don't do the full face thing...I don't think I would know how, anyway. I've also started wearing a necklace and earrings every day. I'm telling you, all of these things have really got my mind in a better place...which is just kinda silly to me. To look better is to feel better?? I've always believed that the clothing does not make the person...perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps, I was wrong about a lot of things.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Hi there.....
I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about this past week, but haven't had a second to do so. Things are starting to go well, things are starting to look up...I think. You know me, this week it's all sunshine and next week it's all gloom.
I've started getting up at 5 am each morning and going for a long walk. Amazing! I have felt more energy and my days are so much more upbeat, and I get to think. I've been thinking a lot about my submission to TJ. There are still a few things about TJ that worry me or rather piss me off, but when compared to the other wonderful things, it's not that huge of a deal...at the moment, anyway. Anyway, what I've been thinking about is the difference between submission and subservience.
I do enjoy getting TJ a cup of tea, doing his laundry, and even making his lunch (when time permits) but I do not do these things because I'm the submissive one. I do these things because I enjoy doing it. I've made it a point this week of getting him a glass of water when he gets home from work. Not because he has asked me to or that he expects is, but because I know that's the first thing he does when he gets home, so I've just taken it upon myself to get the glass of water and place it on the counter for him. He hasn't really commented on it other than to be surprised and give me a thanks, and a kiss. At first I worried that I was starting to get into a mode of "serving" him that was going to make me feel uneasy. However, it hasn't happened.
I don't do the little things for him because he requires it, I do them because I love the smile on his face when I do. The warm kiss he gives me when I bring him a cup of tea in the evening is worth the two seconds it takes to put the tea bag in the cup with some hot water. I have also found that the more little things I do for him, the more little things he does for me. He is more affectionate, more loving, and he will offer to help with things I would normally just take care of.
I used to want him to make me a list of things to do. A "rule" list. Now, I just figure...if I want to bring him his tea each night...do it. Why make him make me? If I want to have a glass of water ready for him when he gets home...do it. No need to wait for a "command", I know it will make him happy, and isn't that the goal? To make each other happy? Maybe this doesn't really fall under the "submissive" category...perhaps more under the "just being nice" category. And, I'm working on not expecting things back in return... working on it.... LOL
The skirts I mentioned previously.
I have stuck to it. I have worn a skirt or dress every day this week, except for at work cos I have to wear scrubs. TJ has commented on it. He is also enjoying my new habit of sleeping in the buff.
The more submissive I behave the more Dominant he behaves. Even for subtle little things.
The other night I came home from work (12 hr shift) and my phone rang just as I walked in the door, it was my sister. I answered the call and started to put my purse down and get my coat off, TJ didn't say anything, just walked out of the room. I coudl tell he wasn't all that thrilled though.
A little while later, after I had given him a kiss goodnight and started to head up stairs, he called me back.
"Hey, when you walk in the door, you don't answer your phone. You kiss me hello and talk to me, you can call back who ever is calling. You haven't seen me all day and I had to wait until you were done on the phone to even get a kiss." And he said all seductively dommish. I just stared at him a second before nodding my head. He kissed me again and sent me off to bed with a pinch to my bottom.
So, things have been crazy here with work, the kids, and getting a paper for my class written, but things are also good. Not great, yet, but I can only work on me...and I am hard work!
I've started getting up at 5 am each morning and going for a long walk. Amazing! I have felt more energy and my days are so much more upbeat, and I get to think. I've been thinking a lot about my submission to TJ. There are still a few things about TJ that worry me or rather piss me off, but when compared to the other wonderful things, it's not that huge of a deal...at the moment, anyway. Anyway, what I've been thinking about is the difference between submission and subservience.
I do enjoy getting TJ a cup of tea, doing his laundry, and even making his lunch (when time permits) but I do not do these things because I'm the submissive one. I do these things because I enjoy doing it. I've made it a point this week of getting him a glass of water when he gets home from work. Not because he has asked me to or that he expects is, but because I know that's the first thing he does when he gets home, so I've just taken it upon myself to get the glass of water and place it on the counter for him. He hasn't really commented on it other than to be surprised and give me a thanks, and a kiss. At first I worried that I was starting to get into a mode of "serving" him that was going to make me feel uneasy. However, it hasn't happened.
I don't do the little things for him because he requires it, I do them because I love the smile on his face when I do. The warm kiss he gives me when I bring him a cup of tea in the evening is worth the two seconds it takes to put the tea bag in the cup with some hot water. I have also found that the more little things I do for him, the more little things he does for me. He is more affectionate, more loving, and he will offer to help with things I would normally just take care of.
I used to want him to make me a list of things to do. A "rule" list. Now, I just figure...if I want to bring him his tea each night...do it. Why make him make me? If I want to have a glass of water ready for him when he gets home...do it. No need to wait for a "command", I know it will make him happy, and isn't that the goal? To make each other happy? Maybe this doesn't really fall under the "submissive" category...perhaps more under the "just being nice" category. And, I'm working on not expecting things back in return... working on it.... LOL
The skirts I mentioned previously.
I have stuck to it. I have worn a skirt or dress every day this week, except for at work cos I have to wear scrubs. TJ has commented on it. He is also enjoying my new habit of sleeping in the buff.
The more submissive I behave the more Dominant he behaves. Even for subtle little things.
The other night I came home from work (12 hr shift) and my phone rang just as I walked in the door, it was my sister. I answered the call and started to put my purse down and get my coat off, TJ didn't say anything, just walked out of the room. I coudl tell he wasn't all that thrilled though.
A little while later, after I had given him a kiss goodnight and started to head up stairs, he called me back.
"Hey, when you walk in the door, you don't answer your phone. You kiss me hello and talk to me, you can call back who ever is calling. You haven't seen me all day and I had to wait until you were done on the phone to even get a kiss." And he said all seductively dommish. I just stared at him a second before nodding my head. He kissed me again and sent me off to bed with a pinch to my bottom.
So, things have been crazy here with work, the kids, and getting a paper for my class written, but things are also good. Not great, yet, but I can only work on me...and I am hard work!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
I hate making up titles
It was a good day. I was able to keep myself not only out of trouble, but in a good (exhausted but good) mood all day long. My diet is completely blown for today, but I will get back on track first thing in the morning!
TJ did not forget about me last night. As soon as I logged off of here I went to tell him good night and he said "Don't go trying to sneak away...come in here," and he cleared the usual spot for me to stand. I did as good of a job as I could standing still for him as he spanked me with his belt (his favorite thing lately is to use his belt...I hate the damn belt). I did move a few times, but I got right back into place. I went into the spanking with the mindset that I had earned it, I had asked for it, and that I was going to do my best to take it with grace...and I did. I went to bed calm and relaxed and I think he was happy with me. He didn't say it, and maybe he didn't even notice my effort..but i noticed it and I also noticed at how much more positive the experience was for me because of it.
I didn't have any residual guilt or irritation that I sometimes get after a spanking. I think that's because when I go into with the "just get it over with" mentality it leaves a sour aftertaste, but when I go in with my heart open and my mind focused, I come out with such a warmth and calm sensation it's hard to describe.
I don't plan on earning any more punishments for a while and i have a new goal in mind. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping for some new clothes, with TJ's permission of course. I am going to try dressing more "feminine", TJ loves me in jeans and t-shirts but he also loves to see the softer side of me. So, to the store I go...I loathe clothes shopping but it's only a few skirts, how hard can that be?
TJ did not forget about me last night. As soon as I logged off of here I went to tell him good night and he said "Don't go trying to sneak away...come in here," and he cleared the usual spot for me to stand. I did as good of a job as I could standing still for him as he spanked me with his belt (his favorite thing lately is to use his belt...I hate the damn belt). I did move a few times, but I got right back into place. I went into the spanking with the mindset that I had earned it, I had asked for it, and that I was going to do my best to take it with grace...and I did. I went to bed calm and relaxed and I think he was happy with me. He didn't say it, and maybe he didn't even notice my effort..but i noticed it and I also noticed at how much more positive the experience was for me because of it.
I didn't have any residual guilt or irritation that I sometimes get after a spanking. I think that's because when I go into with the "just get it over with" mentality it leaves a sour aftertaste, but when I go in with my heart open and my mind focused, I come out with such a warmth and calm sensation it's hard to describe.
I don't plan on earning any more punishments for a while and i have a new goal in mind. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping for some new clothes, with TJ's permission of course. I am going to try dressing more "feminine", TJ loves me in jeans and t-shirts but he also loves to see the softer side of me. So, to the store I go...I loathe clothes shopping but it's only a few skirts, how hard can that be?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Another day and another dollar..
Ok, fine...I give up. I can not simply ignore this part of me. I know it's only been a few days, but I can't fathom just leaving it all behind and never looking back at it. So. That said. I think this blog is going to change a bit. I think it's going to become more about me and less about "TJ and me". At least, that's my intent.
I am going to start thinking about my submission and less about his domination. Yes. That sounds like a good idea. I have a feeling that if I truly submit, if I give it my all even when I think he's not watching...he'll start watching.
I know..I know...I shot down that theory in my last post..but hey, i've changed my mind (again!). This afternoon I was cooking (An awesome dinner of schnitzel and spatzel) and with the flour starting to fly I rembered TJ telling me long ago that I should wear my apron when I'm cooking. I can not tell you how many shirts I have ruined by not doing so. I instantly went and grabbed the apron that hangs in the laundry room. TJ was really happy to see me wearing it when he came in from the back yard. He commented on how much he loved to see me wearing it...so I shall be wearing it each time I cook....just cos he likes it. I know..big deal..but to me it's a small step in the right direction.
I tried really hard today to be in a submissive mind frame; however, the five trips to the grocery store and several easter things to do got to the better of me. I started to snap and at one point TJ marched over to me and swatted my backside hard. I quieted down a bit and said "I'm having a bad day," and he agreed. A few minutes later he said we'd be having a "refresher" this evening.
I commented that I thought we weren't doing "That" anymore. He laughed and asked where I got a crazy idea like that. I said "Well, I told you...I said a few days ago.." and he laughed harder.
"We are still doing that. You don't get to just turn it off," and he walked out still smiling to himself. So, who knows what will transpire. I'm not really even caring if it actually happens, just that he said that was enough to calm me down and get my head back on straight. And, if he actually does remember...I'll take what he dishes out with as much grace as I can muster. Should he forget...well...I'll just go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day.
No more giving up. No more pretending like I can just flip a switch and ignore a side of me that isn't going to go away. No more!
On a fun note. libby over at a submissive's musings was kind enough to bestow upon me a beautiful blogger award. Thank you libby, you have been more help to me than you may know. I believe I am now supposed to pass it on to three more bloggers. So here they are.
Katia, because she is such a warm and wonderful person that you can't help but become friends with her. She is a talented writer as well as a good friend.
Hermoine, because her blog just gives me the smiles I need on the days I need them the most.
Poppy, because I admire her writing very much. I hope one day to have one drop of the talent that she has, and what she has to say is just as wonderful as the way she says it!
Well there ya go... Now....I'm off to finish making the easter cake and then who knows...
I am going to start thinking about my submission and less about his domination. Yes. That sounds like a good idea. I have a feeling that if I truly submit, if I give it my all even when I think he's not watching...he'll start watching.
I know..I know...I shot down that theory in my last post..but hey, i've changed my mind (again!). This afternoon I was cooking (An awesome dinner of schnitzel and spatzel) and with the flour starting to fly I rembered TJ telling me long ago that I should wear my apron when I'm cooking. I can not tell you how many shirts I have ruined by not doing so. I instantly went and grabbed the apron that hangs in the laundry room. TJ was really happy to see me wearing it when he came in from the back yard. He commented on how much he loved to see me wearing it...so I shall be wearing it each time I cook....just cos he likes it. I know..big deal..but to me it's a small step in the right direction.
I tried really hard today to be in a submissive mind frame; however, the five trips to the grocery store and several easter things to do got to the better of me. I started to snap and at one point TJ marched over to me and swatted my backside hard. I quieted down a bit and said "I'm having a bad day," and he agreed. A few minutes later he said we'd be having a "refresher" this evening.
I commented that I thought we weren't doing "That" anymore. He laughed and asked where I got a crazy idea like that. I said "Well, I told you...I said a few days ago.." and he laughed harder.
"We are still doing that. You don't get to just turn it off," and he walked out still smiling to himself. So, who knows what will transpire. I'm not really even caring if it actually happens, just that he said that was enough to calm me down and get my head back on straight. And, if he actually does remember...I'll take what he dishes out with as much grace as I can muster. Should he forget...well...I'll just go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day.
No more giving up. No more pretending like I can just flip a switch and ignore a side of me that isn't going to go away. No more!
On a fun note. libby over at a submissive's musings was kind enough to bestow upon me a beautiful blogger award. Thank you libby, you have been more help to me than you may know. I believe I am now supposed to pass it on to three more bloggers. So here they are.
Katia, because she is such a warm and wonderful person that you can't help but become friends with her. She is a talented writer as well as a good friend.
Hermoine, because her blog just gives me the smiles I need on the days I need them the most.
Poppy, because I admire her writing very much. I hope one day to have one drop of the talent that she has, and what she has to say is just as wonderful as the way she says it!
Well there ya go... Now....I'm off to finish making the easter cake and then who knows...
Thursday, April 1, 2010
"Don't cry because it's over....smile because it happened" - Dr. Suess
I have no more vacation time coming to me until June so there will be no day together that TJ would have liked. Oh well.
I was thinking about submission this morning. I know that some will say if you submit to him he will lead. I am no longer sure that's true. Perhaps in some cases, maybe sometimes that works. However, I don't think that's the case all the time. If you submit to someone who really could care less if you do...is there any actual gratification from it?
TJ has no idea what power he holds and therefore he is useless with it. I don't say that to be disrespectful, I truly don't. I have come to the conclusion that this isn't going to work with us. It just isn't. And I'm starting to be OK with that. Starting to be OK.. not yet but I'm getting there.
To me submitting to someone who is oblivious to it is a waste of energy and it hurts. When I'm doing the things that make him happy (household stuff, taking care of him, and sexual stuff) and he's not participating, or he's reaping the benefits but not putting any energy towards being the Dominant partner I feel taken advantage of, not submissive. Maybe I'm submitting for the wrong reasons... I don't know. But, at this point it doesn't really matter.
This won't end us. I am still in love with him, this doesn't change that. I'll still do the things that make him happy, he's my husband and of course I want him to be happy, but I need to change my thought about him ever taking the lead. (Well, I'll do most of the things, some I can now abandon)
I won't be emailing this blog to him anymore. When I had done that originally it was with his blessing and he had said it was a great idea (he said because he could never remember the blog address) but this blog isn't for him. It's for me. So, it's going to stay for me. (Thank you to Hermione and Ronnie for reminding me of that)
I'm sorry if I sound angry..I'm not really angry at him...like I said I'm starting to be OK with it.. but it's going to take time.
I was thinking about submission this morning. I know that some will say if you submit to him he will lead. I am no longer sure that's true. Perhaps in some cases, maybe sometimes that works. However, I don't think that's the case all the time. If you submit to someone who really could care less if you do...is there any actual gratification from it?
TJ has no idea what power he holds and therefore he is useless with it. I don't say that to be disrespectful, I truly don't. I have come to the conclusion that this isn't going to work with us. It just isn't. And I'm starting to be OK with that. Starting to be OK.. not yet but I'm getting there.
To me submitting to someone who is oblivious to it is a waste of energy and it hurts. When I'm doing the things that make him happy (household stuff, taking care of him, and sexual stuff) and he's not participating, or he's reaping the benefits but not putting any energy towards being the Dominant partner I feel taken advantage of, not submissive. Maybe I'm submitting for the wrong reasons... I don't know. But, at this point it doesn't really matter.
This won't end us. I am still in love with him, this doesn't change that. I'll still do the things that make him happy, he's my husband and of course I want him to be happy, but I need to change my thought about him ever taking the lead. (Well, I'll do most of the things, some I can now abandon)
I won't be emailing this blog to him anymore. When I had done that originally it was with his blessing and he had said it was a great idea (he said because he could never remember the blog address) but this blog isn't for him. It's for me. So, it's going to stay for me. (Thank you to Hermione and Ronnie for reminding me of that)
I'm sorry if I sound angry..I'm not really angry at him...like I said I'm starting to be OK with it.. but it's going to take time.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Hind Sight
Looking back on my life I see now that there were plenty of signs that I was not cut from a vanilla cloth...actually I wasn't even cut from a cloth on the same shelf as the vanilla cloth.
Here are a few examples:
1. At a very young age, spanking became a fantasy that popped into my head quite frequently. I have an embarrassing story regarding this, but I'm keeping it in the vault of "Never tell a living soul."
2. As a young teenager, when sex became something more than just a word (At least privately, since I was too young to date at that time...)my fantasies were not simply spanking. They involved things like paddles, cages, whips, collars. These may seem to be a "natural" fantasy to some who enjoy these types of fantasies; however, at the time of these fantasies I had never heard of BDSM, S&M, spanking, submission or domination. I had never seen a woman walked on a leash, I had never heard of a man spanking a woman, nor had I heard of, or knew of, blow jobs. I knew only that sex happened when a man put his penis inside a woman.
3. TJ and I married quite young. He went off to the army and I went off to the junior college. In order to pass the time away from him my mother turned me on to romance novels. A quick read and always a happy ending, sounded great to me. I quickly found myself skimming to the parts where the man was dominant towards the woman; giving her rules and being all stern with her. If there was a spanking in the novel, I would ear mark that page to go back and re-read the passage over and over again.
4. During a conversation with TJ while he was in basic training he told me something about how the husband is responsible for the actions of the wife while he's enlisted. He went on to say that if he wanted to, he could keep me locked on base by telling the gate guards that I was not to leave base. In reality, he had no such power or authority, he was pulling my chain, but the very idea of being under his control, under his authority in such a way...excited me more than maybe it should have.
5. The spanking scene in Blue Hawaii. I nearly broke the tape with the number of times I rewound and watched it over and over and over again. Privately, when no one else was around to see me watching it, because how would a pre-teen explain it to her parents were they to happen on her.
With all of these signs, along with others, how did I never comprehend my own desires? If I were to go back in time and change something, or to make my younger self do something, I think one of the things I would tell her is to pay attention to herself. To listen to her heart and her fantasies and to try to understand herself a little better.
Here are a few examples:
1. At a very young age, spanking became a fantasy that popped into my head quite frequently. I have an embarrassing story regarding this, but I'm keeping it in the vault of "Never tell a living soul."
2. As a young teenager, when sex became something more than just a word (At least privately, since I was too young to date at that time...)my fantasies were not simply spanking. They involved things like paddles, cages, whips, collars. These may seem to be a "natural" fantasy to some who enjoy these types of fantasies; however, at the time of these fantasies I had never heard of BDSM, S&M, spanking, submission or domination. I had never seen a woman walked on a leash, I had never heard of a man spanking a woman, nor had I heard of, or knew of, blow jobs. I knew only that sex happened when a man put his penis inside a woman.
3. TJ and I married quite young. He went off to the army and I went off to the junior college. In order to pass the time away from him my mother turned me on to romance novels. A quick read and always a happy ending, sounded great to me. I quickly found myself skimming to the parts where the man was dominant towards the woman; giving her rules and being all stern with her. If there was a spanking in the novel, I would ear mark that page to go back and re-read the passage over and over again.
4. During a conversation with TJ while he was in basic training he told me something about how the husband is responsible for the actions of the wife while he's enlisted. He went on to say that if he wanted to, he could keep me locked on base by telling the gate guards that I was not to leave base. In reality, he had no such power or authority, he was pulling my chain, but the very idea of being under his control, under his authority in such a way...excited me more than maybe it should have.
5. The spanking scene in Blue Hawaii. I nearly broke the tape with the number of times I rewound and watched it over and over and over again. Privately, when no one else was around to see me watching it, because how would a pre-teen explain it to her parents were they to happen on her.
With all of these signs, along with others, how did I never comprehend my own desires? If I were to go back in time and change something, or to make my younger self do something, I think one of the things I would tell her is to pay attention to herself. To listen to her heart and her fantasies and to try to understand herself a little better.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Let it be said...
TJ and I spoke last night. We talked for a long time and we straightened out a lot of things between us. He asked if I wished to speak first, and I did. I rattled off my list of "expectations" and once I was done, and my face was blushing fiercely, he nodded. He asked for a few clarifications then nodded again "That sounds good," he smiled at me over his left shoulder, as he was getting a proper back scratch from me while we talked.
Then it was his turn. He stood up, put his shirt back on, and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't sit next to me while he talked about his expectations of me, instead he stood against the wall while I stared up at him from my spot on the couch. Some of the things he said were not surprising to me at all. He mentioned that since my surgery I have gotten quite used to him doing the majority of the house work and now that I was feeling better I needed to step up. No more checking emails after dinner while he cleans up the kitchen. "We both work full time so we both have to pitch in to keep this place clean," he said.
There were some things that I was a little surprised about. Time Management. He doesn't like the way I'm handling my school work. The time on the weekends is really the issue, from what I understood. So now on Saturdays and Sundays I'm to give him a schedule for that particular day and he will adjust it to meet any needs he has for the day. I thrive on schedules, the day goes so much smoother when I know what is next and where I'm supposed to be.
One change that he is implementing is that he will only tell me something one time. If he makes a new rule and I break it the next day, there will be a punishment. If my attitude is starting to get out of hand, he will give me one warning and only one. If I continue then there will be a punishment. Speaking of punishments, "When I say it's game time...it's game time. No arguing, no trying to weasel your way out of anything,"
I asked him to understand that we haven't done any spanking in a while and that spanking hurts, so to expect me to stand perfectly still is a bit of an impossible expectation. He thought about it for a second and replied "For now. That's on me, I'll have to train you properly in that area," My jaw dropped and I just stared at him, which must have pleased him because he smiled at me with a bit more enthusiasm I would like to see when talking about spanking my bottom (in a non playing way).
The talk was wonderful as well as the festivities that occurred later, however, there was no spanking. I was sure there would be one...mostly because he had said a few days ago that there would be one. I don't know if he forgot about that part or if he just wanted to get to the really fun stuff instead. I didn't bother to ask him, I wasn't upset about not getting a spanking....I think I really wasn't looking forward to it because my bum is completely virginized again and I can only imagine the mess the first spanking is going to be.
So...things are reverting back to the norm...or at least as normal as things can get around here.
Then it was his turn. He stood up, put his shirt back on, and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't sit next to me while he talked about his expectations of me, instead he stood against the wall while I stared up at him from my spot on the couch. Some of the things he said were not surprising to me at all. He mentioned that since my surgery I have gotten quite used to him doing the majority of the house work and now that I was feeling better I needed to step up. No more checking emails after dinner while he cleans up the kitchen. "We both work full time so we both have to pitch in to keep this place clean," he said.
There were some things that I was a little surprised about. Time Management. He doesn't like the way I'm handling my school work. The time on the weekends is really the issue, from what I understood. So now on Saturdays and Sundays I'm to give him a schedule for that particular day and he will adjust it to meet any needs he has for the day. I thrive on schedules, the day goes so much smoother when I know what is next and where I'm supposed to be.
One change that he is implementing is that he will only tell me something one time. If he makes a new rule and I break it the next day, there will be a punishment. If my attitude is starting to get out of hand, he will give me one warning and only one. If I continue then there will be a punishment. Speaking of punishments, "When I say it's game time...it's game time. No arguing, no trying to weasel your way out of anything,"
I asked him to understand that we haven't done any spanking in a while and that spanking hurts, so to expect me to stand perfectly still is a bit of an impossible expectation. He thought about it for a second and replied "For now. That's on me, I'll have to train you properly in that area," My jaw dropped and I just stared at him, which must have pleased him because he smiled at me with a bit more enthusiasm I would like to see when talking about spanking my bottom (in a non playing way).
The talk was wonderful as well as the festivities that occurred later, however, there was no spanking. I was sure there would be one...mostly because he had said a few days ago that there would be one. I don't know if he forgot about that part or if he just wanted to get to the really fun stuff instead. I didn't bother to ask him, I wasn't upset about not getting a spanking....I think I really wasn't looking forward to it because my bum is completely virginized again and I can only imagine the mess the first spanking is going to be.
So...things are reverting back to the norm...or at least as normal as things can get around here.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
In the Men's Locker Room....
This morning when I arrived at the gym I was thrown a curve ball. The locker rooms had been switched. Outside each locker room entrance, stood a large sign that read "Temporary Women's Locker Room Entrance," outside the usual men's locker room and a "Temporary Men's Locker Room Entrance" sign outside of the usual women's locker room. I have no idea what prompted this "temporary change" but I did hear one woman say that we would be back in our normal locker room by midweek.
I entered the locker room and immediately was thrown off by the fact that it was all opposite. There was no carpeting by the lockers, instead it wall all nicely tiled. My first thought was "Glad I remembered my shower shoes," because I have a tendency to slip and slide all over tile (or anywhere else for that matter)
After my work out I headed back to the locker room to shower and dress. It was odd. I felt very much out of place, as if I was standing in someplace that I did not belong. At first I just contributed it to the fact that I was not in my normal space...but then it just felt more strange than that. It's very hard to describe...
I was standing in the men's locker room and I think that is the key here. If it had been a different women's locker room, I doubt it would have felt all that odd to me but because it was the men's room. because I was standing where only men were allowed to stand ... I felt out of sorts.
I don't think that all women should be submissive to every man, nor do I think that every woman should be submissive at all to any man (or woman for that matter), but there was just something about standing in this room that made me a tad uncomfortable.
I think that maybe my interest in having a DD marriage is faltering...I mean I think it's safe to say that my submissive feelings go deeper than I had originally thought. Not really a new revelation, I've rambled before about this many times. However, I think it's time I told TJ all of it, and I mean ALL of it. Every embarrassing little fantasy, want, need, wish, hope... all of it and see what he does with it.
He postponed the "reset" from last night to tonight because he thought I was too tired last night from working all day and running errands all afternoon, maybe tonight is a great opportunity...or things will get very messy again with us. I'd say it's a 50/50 situation....
I entered the locker room and immediately was thrown off by the fact that it was all opposite. There was no carpeting by the lockers, instead it wall all nicely tiled. My first thought was "Glad I remembered my shower shoes," because I have a tendency to slip and slide all over tile (or anywhere else for that matter)
After my work out I headed back to the locker room to shower and dress. It was odd. I felt very much out of place, as if I was standing in someplace that I did not belong. At first I just contributed it to the fact that I was not in my normal space...but then it just felt more strange than that. It's very hard to describe...
I was standing in the men's locker room and I think that is the key here. If it had been a different women's locker room, I doubt it would have felt all that odd to me but because it was the men's room. because I was standing where only men were allowed to stand ... I felt out of sorts.
I don't think that all women should be submissive to every man, nor do I think that every woman should be submissive at all to any man (or woman for that matter), but there was just something about standing in this room that made me a tad uncomfortable.
I think that maybe my interest in having a DD marriage is faltering...I mean I think it's safe to say that my submissive feelings go deeper than I had originally thought. Not really a new revelation, I've rambled before about this many times. However, I think it's time I told TJ all of it, and I mean ALL of it. Every embarrassing little fantasy, want, need, wish, hope... all of it and see what he does with it.
He postponed the "reset" from last night to tonight because he thought I was too tired last night from working all day and running errands all afternoon, maybe tonight is a great opportunity...or things will get very messy again with us. I'd say it's a 50/50 situation....
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ramble, Rumble, Grumble
Since having surgery and all of the other icky stuff that has happenedm I have not had a single spanking. Oh there has been a playful swat here and there (5 in a row today, actually) but nothing that could actually be determined a "spanking".
Yesterday was a bad day here in our little household, getting the kids fed, dressed, and into the cars in the morning is becoming increasingly difficult as the baby is now toddler and has his own little personality. I was, to say the least, frustrated and taking it out on everyone in my path. TJ pulled me aside and scolded me and then we all got in the cars and left. No spanking, however, as TJ is going to wait until this weekend.
TJ is planning to have a "reset talk" this weekend to get us back into the full swing of things. He said that that now that I'm feeling better and my attitude seems to be coming back we need to get back to the basics. I'm not really sure what will happen during this talk, except that I'm almost positive that a spanking will happen.
Now that I haven't had a spanking in nearly 2 months I'm not sure I'm excited about it. I have a complete virgin butt right now and I'm really not looking forward to it. Also, there is the fact that I have a horrible habit of coming up with a fantasy in my head and when reality doesn't come close to it I have a bad reaction. I'm really going to try and let it all just happen naturally, no fantasizing.
I will admit that there are days I wish this need I have would just go away. Sometimes I think it would be easier to ignore it. I'm thankful that TJ won't let me ignore this part of me, that he sees it works so well for us and will keep stepping up when needed.
There is still a lot of things in my head that leave me unsettled at times. I'm trying to figure out what my wants and needs are... there's a difference, that much I know, but I am having a really hard time sorting them into the right categories. These are things that I have trouble even verbalizing to TJ because I don't want to scare him or to make him think badly of me.
During a fun evening in bed, TJ was pinching me and he asked me if I liked it (in that seductive tone ..) I blushed into the darkness and said that I liked that he liked it. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I enjoyed it...wouldn't that be horrible to enjoy being pinched in such a way? These are things that leave me uncomfortable, and feeling lonely at times because I don't mention these things to TJ and I know I should...but I don't think he'll understand.
Then there are days I wish that I had known all of these things about myself when I had met TJ. Maybe then we would be further along this journey if it hadn't crept up on me after we had been married for a bit. But then again..how much of yourself are you fully aware of at 16.
This post, as usual, has veered off of where I started from. Again, just my ramblings of the day.
Yesterday was a bad day here in our little household, getting the kids fed, dressed, and into the cars in the morning is becoming increasingly difficult as the baby is now toddler and has his own little personality. I was, to say the least, frustrated and taking it out on everyone in my path. TJ pulled me aside and scolded me and then we all got in the cars and left. No spanking, however, as TJ is going to wait until this weekend.
TJ is planning to have a "reset talk" this weekend to get us back into the full swing of things. He said that that now that I'm feeling better and my attitude seems to be coming back we need to get back to the basics. I'm not really sure what will happen during this talk, except that I'm almost positive that a spanking will happen.
Now that I haven't had a spanking in nearly 2 months I'm not sure I'm excited about it. I have a complete virgin butt right now and I'm really not looking forward to it. Also, there is the fact that I have a horrible habit of coming up with a fantasy in my head and when reality doesn't come close to it I have a bad reaction. I'm really going to try and let it all just happen naturally, no fantasizing.
I will admit that there are days I wish this need I have would just go away. Sometimes I think it would be easier to ignore it. I'm thankful that TJ won't let me ignore this part of me, that he sees it works so well for us and will keep stepping up when needed.
There is still a lot of things in my head that leave me unsettled at times. I'm trying to figure out what my wants and needs are... there's a difference, that much I know, but I am having a really hard time sorting them into the right categories. These are things that I have trouble even verbalizing to TJ because I don't want to scare him or to make him think badly of me.
During a fun evening in bed, TJ was pinching me and he asked me if I liked it (in that seductive tone ..) I blushed into the darkness and said that I liked that he liked it. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I enjoyed it...wouldn't that be horrible to enjoy being pinched in such a way? These are things that leave me uncomfortable, and feeling lonely at times because I don't mention these things to TJ and I know I should...but I don't think he'll understand.
Then there are days I wish that I had known all of these things about myself when I had met TJ. Maybe then we would be further along this journey if it hadn't crept up on me after we had been married for a bit. But then again..how much of yourself are you fully aware of at 16.
This post, as usual, has veered off of where I started from. Again, just my ramblings of the day.
Friday, January 15, 2010
And now we shall see
My last post, I questioned if I could submit to TJ without the physical aspect to all of this. It didn't even dawn on me at that time that I would have a chance to find out that very thing within a matter of days of writing that post.
On Monday, I had a minor surgery that has put me on bed rest for two weeks. I returned home from the hospital yesterday and have been tied to the couch since walking in the door. I attempted to read emails last night and when I came across an email from my boss TJ was quick to say "If you are going to look at work emails I am going to take the computer away from you." needless to say I closed my lap top and put it away for the time being. Not only am I on bedrest for two weeks, but TJ and I are not allowed to have "relations" (As the doctor put it to TJ after my procedure and TJ did his very best not to grin) for at least 6 weeks while I heal. Hence, there will be no physical aspects to all of this for at least that time. Which TJ is already complaining about not being able to spank me; all of a sudden the man can't stop patting my bottom.
As we left the hospital yesterday, TJ was turning onto the street I told him to turn left, as it would bring us to the main road off of which we live. He turned right saying that going left would make us have to pass a bunch of county buildings that tend back up traffic. I explained that the portion of town he was talking about was further south and that we wouldn't be near it. We didn't really argue but were simply disagreeing about which street he was actually turning onto. (There was construction around the hospital so the exit was not the normal exit we would have taken)
"Does it matter if you wanted me to go left?" he questioned with a tone I had not heard in a few days.
"You always assume I'm wrong, that I don't know what I'm talking about," I complained with a pout.
"No. You aren't always wrong, but I'm always right," he stated flatly. I blinked and looked at him as he drove, he was serious.
"Ok," I nodded.
Now I'm not stupid, I am aware that he is human and is indeed not always right. He will make mistakes and he will screw up and he may even hurt my feelings at times, but he will never do those things with malicious intentions. What I took from that comment is that when it comes to things like which way to turn, it doesn't matter which way I want him to go. If he says we are going right then we are going right; if he decides to drive six miles out of our way simply because he chooses to do so..then so be it.
I am no longer in the driver seat...
On Monday, I had a minor surgery that has put me on bed rest for two weeks. I returned home from the hospital yesterday and have been tied to the couch since walking in the door. I attempted to read emails last night and when I came across an email from my boss TJ was quick to say "If you are going to look at work emails I am going to take the computer away from you." needless to say I closed my lap top and put it away for the time being. Not only am I on bedrest for two weeks, but TJ and I are not allowed to have "relations" (As the doctor put it to TJ after my procedure and TJ did his very best not to grin) for at least 6 weeks while I heal. Hence, there will be no physical aspects to all of this for at least that time. Which TJ is already complaining about not being able to spank me; all of a sudden the man can't stop patting my bottom.
As we left the hospital yesterday, TJ was turning onto the street I told him to turn left, as it would bring us to the main road off of which we live. He turned right saying that going left would make us have to pass a bunch of county buildings that tend back up traffic. I explained that the portion of town he was talking about was further south and that we wouldn't be near it. We didn't really argue but were simply disagreeing about which street he was actually turning onto. (There was construction around the hospital so the exit was not the normal exit we would have taken)
"Does it matter if you wanted me to go left?" he questioned with a tone I had not heard in a few days.
"You always assume I'm wrong, that I don't know what I'm talking about," I complained with a pout.
"No. You aren't always wrong, but I'm always right," he stated flatly. I blinked and looked at him as he drove, he was serious.
"Ok," I nodded.
Now I'm not stupid, I am aware that he is human and is indeed not always right. He will make mistakes and he will screw up and he may even hurt my feelings at times, but he will never do those things with malicious intentions. What I took from that comment is that when it comes to things like which way to turn, it doesn't matter which way I want him to go. If he says we are going right then we are going right; if he decides to drive six miles out of our way simply because he chooses to do so..then so be it.
I am no longer in the driver seat...
Saturday, January 9, 2010
A revelation...been having lots of these lately
A few days ago, at work, I was working up a patient who happened to have her husband with her. I don't know what about this couple caused me to think of submission, but it did, perhaps it was their ethnicity. Either way, it brought about a whole slew of thoughts.
Would I feel these submissive feelings that I feel if it did not in some small way turn me on? Now, I do not walk around all hot and bothered because I got TJ a cup of coffee but I do feel warm and fuzzy on an intimate level that I do not feel when say getting a cup of coffee for my brother in law. If I didn't get that, if it was simply expected of me to be obedient by society and those all around me, would I still enjoy it?
For those women living in countries where they have no choice but to be submissive to their husbands, do they find any fulfillment in it or is it simply so natural to them that they don't give it another thought?
I think that because we have a choice to be submissive to our husbands or we can be "equal" (honestly, I believe there is no such thing as equal in a relationship but that's another post for another day) it makes it more...I don't know...meaningful, fulfilling?
Is it because of the intimacy in the rest of my relationship with TJ that triggers the warm and fuzzies when I do small acts for him? I no longer have a say in sex...well...I can not say "no" to sex, I should clarify (not that I ever would LOL) If I understand correctly in some cultures this is the case in most marriages, if he wants it- he gets it. Even when TJ is simply "taking" what is his, I still get such a thrill from it, such enjoyment from it that I can hardly say I am not being satisfied, on both the emotional and physical levels.
Would it be the same if this dynamic of ours did not exist? I thought to myself that it would be boring and mundane to submit to someone if these feelings that I currently have weren't there. Which leads me to another question that just popped in my head....
If something awful were to happen that left TJ unable to physically pleasure, punish, dominate me would I still be able to submit to him? Of course, I'd always take care of him and love him and be there for him, that would never change..but if there was no chance of a kinky sex night or a wonderfully bottom warming spanking would I: still 1) be able to submit to his rules, dictates and/or 2) Get as much out of it?
I would like to say yes, and I think I would. I find the mental part of domination to be just as stimulating as his touch. Often his words are enough to get me moving in the direction he desires....and there are "devices" out there to help with the physical aspect. (*insert blush and wicked smile here*)
Anyhoo... those were my thoughts. I think submitting to TJ is absolutely thrilling and I'm glad that it is my choice because I think that's partly what makes it so wonderful.
Would I feel these submissive feelings that I feel if it did not in some small way turn me on? Now, I do not walk around all hot and bothered because I got TJ a cup of coffee but I do feel warm and fuzzy on an intimate level that I do not feel when say getting a cup of coffee for my brother in law. If I didn't get that, if it was simply expected of me to be obedient by society and those all around me, would I still enjoy it?
For those women living in countries where they have no choice but to be submissive to their husbands, do they find any fulfillment in it or is it simply so natural to them that they don't give it another thought?
I think that because we have a choice to be submissive to our husbands or we can be "equal" (honestly, I believe there is no such thing as equal in a relationship but that's another post for another day) it makes it more...I don't know...meaningful, fulfilling?
Is it because of the intimacy in the rest of my relationship with TJ that triggers the warm and fuzzies when I do small acts for him? I no longer have a say in sex...well...I can not say "no" to sex, I should clarify (not that I ever would LOL) If I understand correctly in some cultures this is the case in most marriages, if he wants it- he gets it. Even when TJ is simply "taking" what is his, I still get such a thrill from it, such enjoyment from it that I can hardly say I am not being satisfied, on both the emotional and physical levels.
Would it be the same if this dynamic of ours did not exist? I thought to myself that it would be boring and mundane to submit to someone if these feelings that I currently have weren't there. Which leads me to another question that just popped in my head....
If something awful were to happen that left TJ unable to physically pleasure, punish, dominate me would I still be able to submit to him? Of course, I'd always take care of him and love him and be there for him, that would never change..but if there was no chance of a kinky sex night or a wonderfully bottom warming spanking would I: still 1) be able to submit to his rules, dictates and/or 2) Get as much out of it?
I would like to say yes, and I think I would. I find the mental part of domination to be just as stimulating as his touch. Often his words are enough to get me moving in the direction he desires....and there are "devices" out there to help with the physical aspect. (*insert blush and wicked smile here*)
Anyhoo... those were my thoughts. I think submitting to TJ is absolutely thrilling and I'm glad that it is my choice because I think that's partly what makes it so wonderful.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Just another Ramble
TJ looked over my resolutions for this upcoming year after I had posted last. He said ( in regards to the ones about submission) that the first two were most important. He said the one about the cane would be fun (for him) but that he really wants me to focus on the exploring my submissive side and accepting his authority with more fluidity.
In that respect I have been doing some soul searching. It's all still very muddled in my mind so I can really only imagine how the words will spill onto this screen, but I will attempt to be rational. (Notice I said "attempt")
TJ hates labels and I am working really hard not to use them, however, this is much harder than I thought it would be. He tells me that he doesn't want to be my "Dom" "Master" or any such thing, he simply wants to be my Husband, and I his wife. Great! I can do that, or can I?
I look around me and I am much different than the other "wives" around me. I do not put him down verbally to my co-workers (I'm no saint, I do complain from time to time, but I don't bash him) I do not mind offering to get him his coffee after a meal when in the company of others. Along with other subtle things that I really dont' see most women doing for thier husbands.
I think that the arrangement we have is more than just simply Husband/wife but I think it makes him more comfortable to use those terms (but I thought we weren't supposed be labeling us....ah well). There has been a large shift in our dynamic here in this house. I am no longer simply a wife who gets spanked for being naughty (that still occurs, have no doubt!) but there's more to it. I have given over control to him in other ways; sexually, financially, even a portion of my diet is under this umbrella of authority.
I am most calm and soothed while seated at his feet watching tv while he lovingly strokes my hair. I don't know what the next day will bring but the conversation TJ and I had last night was very touching and very informative.
"You will never be worth less than me," he assured me when I voiced my worry over my worth. "We are equal beings but our roles are different," he explained while looking into my eyes, holding my chin in his hands forcing me to look directly at him and hear his words.
This weekend promises to be a very interesting weekend. The kids will all be gone and we will have some much needed alone time...and an experiment is planned... I will let you know how it goes..or mostly.
In that respect I have been doing some soul searching. It's all still very muddled in my mind so I can really only imagine how the words will spill onto this screen, but I will attempt to be rational. (Notice I said "attempt")
TJ hates labels and I am working really hard not to use them, however, this is much harder than I thought it would be. He tells me that he doesn't want to be my "Dom" "Master" or any such thing, he simply wants to be my Husband, and I his wife. Great! I can do that, or can I?
I look around me and I am much different than the other "wives" around me. I do not put him down verbally to my co-workers (I'm no saint, I do complain from time to time, but I don't bash him) I do not mind offering to get him his coffee after a meal when in the company of others. Along with other subtle things that I really dont' see most women doing for thier husbands.
I think that the arrangement we have is more than just simply Husband/wife but I think it makes him more comfortable to use those terms (but I thought we weren't supposed be labeling us....ah well). There has been a large shift in our dynamic here in this house. I am no longer simply a wife who gets spanked for being naughty (that still occurs, have no doubt!) but there's more to it. I have given over control to him in other ways; sexually, financially, even a portion of my diet is under this umbrella of authority.
I am most calm and soothed while seated at his feet watching tv while he lovingly strokes my hair. I don't know what the next day will bring but the conversation TJ and I had last night was very touching and very informative.
"You will never be worth less than me," he assured me when I voiced my worry over my worth. "We are equal beings but our roles are different," he explained while looking into my eyes, holding my chin in his hands forcing me to look directly at him and hear his words.
This weekend promises to be a very interesting weekend. The kids will all be gone and we will have some much needed alone time...and an experiment is planned... I will let you know how it goes..or mostly.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Just another day...
I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with TJ as well as all of the terms DD, D/s, M/s... yes I know..no labeling. However...
I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call it..in the end it's still our relationship.
Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.
To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.
One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying "No..no...just let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?
There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.
Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing so....is that too weird?
I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for now...at least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.
To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?
I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call it..in the end it's still our relationship.
Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.
To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.
One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying "No..no...just let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?
There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.
Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing so....is that too weird?
I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for now...at least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.
To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?
Monday, November 30, 2009
A realization..
TJ is not a Dom. He's not a Master, nor is he a Top. TJ is simply TJ.
I came to this realization yesterday while I was cleaning the upstairs of our little two bedroom duplex. I called down "Can you please look for that mini blind attachment I bought for the vacuum?" and he said sure. A few minutes later I heard him screwing around with the kids. "Are you looking or playing?" I called down.
"I'm looking!"
"Liar!"
....laughter.
Now, I'm not saying that people in true D/s, M/s, or such relationships don't have similar conversations or playful banter, they might or might not. I don't think it was the words of our conversation that brought about my realization...but perhaps the situation...not sure what exactly.
What I came to realize at that moment is that TJ will never give a good damn if I shave or don't shave. He probably wouldn't even notice if I was wearing panties to bed or not on most nights, and most likely doesn't have a preference, anyway. He doesn't notice any act of submission on my part unless it something that he is looking for in a sexual way (That I've noticed).
A few months ago I mentioned that we were taking DD to a deeper level. Well...that fizzled out within a few weeks. At first I thought it was because I had lost my "mojo" or something but now I think I know what happened. I think I simply saw it for what it was: a one sided relationship.
As much as I enjoyed exploring my submissive side in that way, on that level, I was alone in it. He was merely a spectator who would throw out a command now and then if I became a bit stagnant. He told me he was into it, that he had ideas of his own to implement, but when I pressed him to tell me or to talk with me about it he only said "I have to work it out in my head first," I backed off, I gave him the space he required and stopped asking him because it was what he wanted. Truth of the matter: there were no ideas. There was only the empty promise of a deeper level in our relationship that never came to pass.
I didn't drag him down that road. I stood to the side and tried to follow...but there was nothing to follow. So I stood on that road alone and waited and waited and waited. He is still the head of our household and has been consistent with all of our original rules and such but that is the level in which he lives.
I realized last night that I will never have that deeper level with him that I crave. He will never care about my routine, my habits, or anything other than if I've done the shopping, washed his underwear and kept the kids all safe and fed while he was at work. Do I want someone to micromanage my every single move: no, but maybe a little micro managing here and there would be nice.
Tomorrow, I go back to work full time. This is not a decision we took lightly and to be honest I hate that I'm doing it. I want to be home. I want to be home with my kids, but the economy being what it is; I'm back at work for at least a year. (There's background here but I'm not going into it) So, now there is really next to no hope for anything "more" happening. In fact, there is a real chance that what we have already in relation to DD will fade away all together.
I hope I'm not coming off as angry or disrespectful towards TJ. I love him. It's just..last night I realized that what I have is all I'm going to have when it comes to Domination/submission. I love TJ and this wont' change that. It's just...well....yesterday I had hope....today I have reality.
I came to this realization yesterday while I was cleaning the upstairs of our little two bedroom duplex. I called down "Can you please look for that mini blind attachment I bought for the vacuum?" and he said sure. A few minutes later I heard him screwing around with the kids. "Are you looking or playing?" I called down.
"I'm looking!"
"Liar!"
....laughter.
Now, I'm not saying that people in true D/s, M/s, or such relationships don't have similar conversations or playful banter, they might or might not. I don't think it was the words of our conversation that brought about my realization...but perhaps the situation...not sure what exactly.
What I came to realize at that moment is that TJ will never give a good damn if I shave or don't shave. He probably wouldn't even notice if I was wearing panties to bed or not on most nights, and most likely doesn't have a preference, anyway. He doesn't notice any act of submission on my part unless it something that he is looking for in a sexual way (That I've noticed).
A few months ago I mentioned that we were taking DD to a deeper level. Well...that fizzled out within a few weeks. At first I thought it was because I had lost my "mojo" or something but now I think I know what happened. I think I simply saw it for what it was: a one sided relationship.
As much as I enjoyed exploring my submissive side in that way, on that level, I was alone in it. He was merely a spectator who would throw out a command now and then if I became a bit stagnant. He told me he was into it, that he had ideas of his own to implement, but when I pressed him to tell me or to talk with me about it he only said "I have to work it out in my head first," I backed off, I gave him the space he required and stopped asking him because it was what he wanted. Truth of the matter: there were no ideas. There was only the empty promise of a deeper level in our relationship that never came to pass.
I didn't drag him down that road. I stood to the side and tried to follow...but there was nothing to follow. So I stood on that road alone and waited and waited and waited. He is still the head of our household and has been consistent with all of our original rules and such but that is the level in which he lives.
I realized last night that I will never have that deeper level with him that I crave. He will never care about my routine, my habits, or anything other than if I've done the shopping, washed his underwear and kept the kids all safe and fed while he was at work. Do I want someone to micromanage my every single move: no, but maybe a little micro managing here and there would be nice.
Tomorrow, I go back to work full time. This is not a decision we took lightly and to be honest I hate that I'm doing it. I want to be home. I want to be home with my kids, but the economy being what it is; I'm back at work for at least a year. (There's background here but I'm not going into it) So, now there is really next to no hope for anything "more" happening. In fact, there is a real chance that what we have already in relation to DD will fade away all together.
I hope I'm not coming off as angry or disrespectful towards TJ. I love him. It's just..last night I realized that what I have is all I'm going to have when it comes to Domination/submission. I love TJ and this wont' change that. It's just...well....yesterday I had hope....today I have reality.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
And it made all the difference...
Last night went much better than the night before. I mentioned to TJ that perhaps I was having trouble with the spankings because he was so physically withdrawn from me.
After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.
It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.
I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.
I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.
I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.
So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.
After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.
It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.
I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.
I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.
I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.
So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Making a payment...
If you've read my post about my new rule regarding whatever you know that I earned 35 swats for using that particular word. Well, that number is now at 100...I really have no good reason for it other than I was sure he would forget all about the rule (or maybe I hoped).
He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.
He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.
So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"
We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.
---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----
So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.
"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.
I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.
A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.
I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.
I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.
I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.
He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.
He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.
So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"
We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.
---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----
So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.
"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.
I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.
A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.
I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.
I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.
I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Anger Managment
Something I've noticed about submission, perhaps not in general but where it pertains to me: I have a horrible time doing it when I'm mad.
If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.
The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)
It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.
I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?
I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.
Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"
And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?
It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.
TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)
I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?
When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...
If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.
The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)
It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.
I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?
I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.
Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"
And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?
It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.
TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)
I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?
When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...
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