Friday at camp

Friday night was the night TJ requested I wear my school girl outfit, which I did and it looked great. TJ made an awesome dinner by the campfire and then we headed up to the lodge for the evening festivities. There was a special ops theme that night where subs were caught, interrogated, and executed (paintball style). It was fun to watch and maybe next year i'll get to play more.

TJ was totally enthralled with the ropes again and watched every time someone was being suspended. He wanted to speak to the guy who did most of it, but he was unable to catch him when he wasn't busy. He did get to talk with a Dom who is very experienced and spent a lot of time with TJ showing him all of his "toys", the different floggers and such. TJ was very grateful and has said more than once that he needs to go to Home Depot for "supplies".

After being at the "dungeon" for a while TJ asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked around the lake, past our tent, and towards the outside showers where a chair caught my eye. I have tried to find a picture of it, but am having trouble finding one that is accurate, so I shall try to describe it. It was basically a padded chair that was suspended so that it swung just like a swing, and there were two padded leg extensions that when the person sitting on the chair their legs were spread open, and since the chair was tilted back a bit it was more comfortable to sit "properly" in it and not let your legs dangle.

I saw this chair and I gave TJ a wicked grin, walked over to it and hopped on. He laughed a little but was quick to join me. He stood between my legs and ran his hands up my thighs, flipping my skirt up and out of his way. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled something out of his pocket and before I could ask what it was I felt it. He had brought along his little leather pocket paddle and was going to use it on me. He spanked the insides of my thighs and around my pelvic bone, and then he went lower and he had some real fun. I was jumping a bit as he spanked me down there, and I didn't realize I could squeal in such a way! He loved it and was very good about stopping after a few strokes to pet me and just as i would start to relax he'd start up again.

He was delighting in my little yelps and gulps of air and wasn't bothered at all by the people walking by or that were only a few yards away by their campfire. I'm not sure how long we were in that chair but I do remember my thighs were sore until the next morning.

One thing TJ and realized during our camping trip was that we enjoy playtime more when it doesn't lead right into sex. I've read on other blogs that playing isn't really sex and I had always thought "then what's the point!".....well I was wrong! For us at least, playing was more enjoyable when we weren't expecting to stop and have sex at any second, it was more focused on the moment. It was more relaxing and enjoyable to play without sex...don't misunderstand...there was plenty of sex...but not during play or directly after. It was something new for us to learn about our relationship, which is why we went to camp!

Super Excited!!

Tomorrow is the day! We are going to pack the van, kiss the kids goodbye and head up north for three days of kinky fun in the sun.

I have purchased the outfits that TJ asked me to, one school girl outfit, one corset with petticoat, a skirt with tights and some cute night clothes. We are camping and the night gowns aren't warm but I'm sure he will keep me toasty.

There are a few events that I'm really looking forward to. There is a round table discussion about M/s 24 7 that is being led by a M/s couple, I'm really hoping that we will get some good feedback and that we will learn a lot. There is also a D/s "formal" which I think is like a dinner/dance type thing that I'm excited to go to. There will be a dungeon for playing, tons of "games" and other activities to keep us busy and enthralled all weekend and I can not wait to get there!

I intend to give a full report when we get back, hopefully I will have a lot of really neat stories to relay.

I haven't felt this giddy in a long time!

bonds of security

Last night TJ and I "played" while the kids were gone for the night. It wasn't anything elaborate...it was actually perfect. It started off with a sort of punishment for my teasing him all day long...I "say sort of" because it led into the rest of the fun activities so it couldn't have been a completely real punishment...

TJ used a whip on me that we've had since we were dating, I'm not sure exactly how to describe it so I found a picture that looks close to what it is... I suppose it's more of a flogger than a whip. Anyway, ours is purple and only has a few knots at the ends with the rest of the soft braided material hanging loosely after it. He also used a small leather paddle that I do not like at all...cos it stings A LOT.

Before he started the spanking and the fun after that, he got me all ready. He put on my blindfold, secured my hands together in front of me, and chained my left foot to the bed post on the floor. Then he looped a rope through my cuffs and pulled me to lay across the bed, with my feet still on the floor and he tied that rope to the other bedpost on the floor so I was neatly draped over the bed.

The spanking that he gave me wasn't worse or lighter than any other spanking he's ever given me but I handled it so much better than ever before. At first I thought being tied down in such a fashion would scare me or make me freak out over the loss of control while he was spanking me...but it was the exact opposite reaction. I was able to concentrate on what he said, each stroke that he delivered, and how I was reacting to it all. It was as if because I could not escape him or his whip I could focus more. I felt more secure in the bonds of the rope than if I was just laying across the bed on my own accord.

I don't think he'll tie me down for every punishment, like I said I don't think he intended that to be any punishment really, I think he was just setting the scene. However, i did take it to be a punishment at the time and was crying pretty freely from the sting of the whip and because I had upset him...my tears did not dissuade him at all, which was unusual. When he asked me what was wrong I told him it hurt and he just said "oh, " and continued. Before we moved onto the fun stuff he did say he wasn't mad at me, because at that point I was worried he was still angry and he assured me he wasn't.

Then he told me that my mouth isn't for teasing, talking back or being mouthy....and he taught me what it was for......

Hind Sight

Looking back on my life I see now that there were plenty of signs that I was not cut from a vanilla cloth...actually I wasn't even cut from a cloth on the same shelf as the vanilla cloth.

Here are a few examples:

1. At a very young age, spanking became a fantasy that popped into my head quite frequently. I have an embarrassing story regarding this, but I'm keeping it in the vault of "Never tell a living soul."

2. As a young teenager, when sex became something more than just a word (At least privately, since I was too young to date at that time...)my fantasies were not simply spanking. They involved things like paddles, cages, whips, collars. These may seem to be a "natural" fantasy to some who enjoy these types of fantasies; however, at the time of these fantasies I had never heard of BDSM, S&M, spanking, submission or domination. I had never seen a woman walked on a leash, I had never heard of a man spanking a woman, nor had I heard of, or knew of, blow jobs. I knew only that sex happened when a man put his penis inside a woman.

3. TJ and I married quite young. He went off to the army and I went off to the junior college. In order to pass the time away from him my mother turned me on to romance novels. A quick read and always a happy ending, sounded great to me. I quickly found myself skimming to the parts where the man was dominant towards the woman; giving her rules and being all stern with her. If there was a spanking in the novel, I would ear mark that page to go back and re-read the passage over and over again.

4. During a conversation with TJ while he was in basic training he told me something about how the husband is responsible for the actions of the wife while he's enlisted. He went on to say that if he wanted to, he could keep me locked on base by telling the gate guards that I was not to leave base. In reality, he had no such power or authority, he was pulling my chain, but the very idea of being under his control, under his authority in such a way...excited me more than maybe it should have.

5. The spanking scene in Blue Hawaii. I nearly broke the tape with the number of times I rewound and watched it over and over and over again. Privately, when no one else was around to see me watching it, because how would a pre-teen explain it to her parents were they to happen on her.



With all of these signs, along with others, how did I never comprehend my own desires? If I were to go back in time and change something, or to make my younger self do something, I think one of the things I would tell her is to pay attention to herself. To listen to her heart and her fantasies and to try to understand herself a little better.

Strap Wrench

EVIL! That is what that damn thing is, absolutely evil. Disguised as a harmless tool for the handyman, it is a horrible beast of an implement for the handyhusband!

I had heard of these things being used for spanking and I ignored it. I knew TJ had a few of them in the garage, I had bought them for christmas one year, to be used as actual tools- I never dreamed of having that rubber strap across my bare bottom. When I had heard of people actually using it for spanking purposes I filed the knowledge in the "Never tell TJ" folder.

TJ cleaned out the garage last week and found the little buggars. He was sitting in his computer room one evening holding one when I walked into the room. He had an evil look in his eye just as I saw a light bulb turn on over his head.

"What?" I asked him cautiously, eyeing the toy in his hand.

"I was just thinking something," he smiled a devils grin and lightly tapped the strap against his open palm.

"No...no...don't tell me,"

"What? That this is going to be great to spank you with?" the man actually laughed at his own wit. I rolled my eyes and left the room, a little panicked I will admit.

Then last night it happened. The stress of the holiday shopping, working full time again, cleaning for cookie making today, and the regular stress of having three toddlers caught up to me and when he asked me to do a simple thing for him I snapped. Right before bed he told me to turn all the lights off in the living room and wait for him.

I was waiting for him next to the couch and when he walked in with nohting in hand I thought "Thank god, a hand spanking!"

It was not to be. He pulled that strap wrench out of his back pocket and plopped down in the middle of the couch. He explained that my attitude was unacceptable and told me to lay across his lap. I nearly cried just at the sight of the damnable thing. He pulled my sweat pants down around my thighs and began to spank with his hand.

His hand is nearly as sharp as some implements he uses but I knew it was only the warm up so I tried to bear down and get through it. When the first blow of that strap landed I nearly catapulted myself through the wall that the couch is pushed against and into the neighbors house.

I last about 5 strokes and was begging for him to use something else, which he would not.

"Not so much of an attitude now, huh?" he said as he continued. I wiggled and he held on tighter to me. I was trying really hard not to scream, for fear of waking the children upstairs. Finally, after about 15 (maybe) strokes of the stinging beast I wiggled my way off his lap and sat on the floor trying to catch my breath.

"What are you doing?" he demanded to know. I didn't answer him. I couldn't. He asked two more times before he sighed heavily and sent me to bed. When he finally came up to say goodnight I asked him if I could finish it. "No, we are done for tonight,"

This morning when we talked briefly he said that there will not be a re-do but he is definitely doing "something" tonight. What does that mean?

Maybe if I had been able to scream out I could have handled it better? Or if I was in a better frame of mind? I don't know...but we will see what happens tonight....

Spanking good office meeting

Last week I had a staff meeting at work. Meetings are usually pretty boring and mostly about how the doctor isn't getting as rich as he'd like to be getting, so I wasn't exactly thrilled to be in attendance. I work with a pretty light hearted group that every now and then will be a little off color, which does break up the crazy schedule of patients.

The first thing the doctor mentioned was that there were three new employees at the meeting since we had last gotten together. He then asked who was in charge of bringing the paddles for the initiations! One of the billers chuckled and said that she had forgotten the paddle at home. The new male employee added that he had been looking forward to the spankings but understood if they could not take place that day. A few more humorous comments were made in the same the fashion, all relating to spanking.

I sat in the back corner of the room with, I'm sure, a fierce blush and did my very best to look bored with the conversation, as if my jollity over the topic would give away my favorite past time to all of my co-workers.

So, you see, spanking is not a taboo, I think it is a hell of a lot more common than people will admit.

It hurts him, too

I cashed in another 10 swats bringing my balance down to 90. (yippee?) TJ chose to use that damn wooden spatula again. I didn't protest, and I got through warm up pretty well, squirming only a little. Then came the actual strokes. He doesn't count the warm up at all, even if the strokes get harder as he progresses through it.

The searing pain of that implement is hard to describe. It stings, it burns, it has a fiery thud that I don't much like. I did the best I could. I mustered up all of the courage I had and didn't fight him. I used the fleece throw from the couch to muffle my screams. After about six strokes I was crying real tears and by 8 I was sobbing. He only did 10 swats due to the fact that he could tell I was sobbing. When he was all done he put the spatula down and rubbed my bottom and tried to sooth me. "It's all done..it's ok...shhh" his voice was so soft I barely heard him. I didn't move, though. I stayed laying over his lap and had a cry. I got up a few minutes later and gingerly pulled my panties back up.

A short while later he was tucking me into bed and giving me loving kisses, telling me that I only had a bit more to go. He reassured me that as long as I kept taking a bit at a time he wouldn't penalize me for going past the original due date of Friday. Which is good because that would mean I'd have to take all 90 tonight.

"You stopped because I was crying so hard,"
"Yes,"
"You don't like to hear me cry,"
"Yes, I hate it. It makes me feel bad,"
"Good to know." exaggerated wink... pinch to my bottom.....one last kiss and off to sleep I drifted.

I tried really hard to hold in my sobs last night because I know that he hates to hear me cry and that it does really tear at his heart, but that one particular implement just brings it out of me. He has retired the wooden beast for the time being saying that he would just use other things instead. Not because I asked him to, but because he realized that every time he uses it I end up sobbing myself silly. The thing is by far the worse implement he's used so far. It's not going away forever, though, he said for now we'll use other things.... "for now"

Anyhoo, so I'm down to 90. We'll have to see how much I can take tonight or that he's willing to give. These strokes are really hard...which is what he had promised me.

I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. I know I earned these strokes with my stubbornness and willingness to push him. I hate them, they hurt like hell, but I'm getting better at not using the word ...well...at least around him. I do notice when I say it even if he's not around to hear it and I curse to myself for having said it. Maybe his point is getting across... just maybe.

And it made all the difference...

Last night went much better than the night before. I mentioned to TJ that perhaps I was having trouble with the spankings because he was so physically withdrawn from me.

After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.

It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.

I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.

I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.

I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.

So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.

Making a payment...

If you've read my post about my new rule regarding whatever you know that I earned 35 swats for using that particular word. Well, that number is now at 100...I really have no good reason for it other than I was sure he would forget all about the rule (or maybe I hoped).

He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.

He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.

So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"

We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.

---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----

So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.

"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.

I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.

A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.

I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.

I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.

I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.

Spanko Debt

Ever hear the phrase: "Your mouth is writing checks your butt can't cash,"?

Well, that phrase was invented for me, I'm sure of it. Even if it was first said decades before my birth, the person saying it must have known about me in some way.

TJ has made a new rule (He's been doing that a lot lately): I am no longer allowed to say the word: "Whatever" Which really sucks because it is the perfect word. It fits so nicely into so many different conversations:

What do you want for dinner? Whatever.
What would you like to drink? Whatever.
No, you can't have any more halloween candy. Fine, whatever.
You can't just go off on me like that cos your mad. Whatever.
10 minutes til bed. Whatever!

See..perfect word. (Although, when I explained that to TJ he tried to use it...and...it's really a girl word I think. Doesn't sound right when a man says it)

Along with this new rule there is a of course a consequence. "5 hard swats for each time the word is said," HUH!?!?

I did pretty good for about two days. Last night (which wasn't a great night all around) I muttered the word under my breath and he heard me...from another room (I think he was listening for it..cos it just fit so nicely into that conversation) "That's 5!" he called from his room.

"Whatever!" I called back.
"Five more!"
"Whatever!!!!" I yelled back.
"That's 15!"
"Whatever!!!!!!!" (this pattern continued until I was up to 35 swats)

Time came to pay the piper. The spanking (for the original crime) didn't go so well...we were both in bad places. He called off the spanking for the night.

"You still owe me 35 for the whatevers, you're not getting out of those," he explained. "You are in Spanko debt!" and he laughed quite hardily at his own jest.

Not funny... at least he's not charging interest! Blech!

A craving

I have been reading spanking stories today and it has left me with this enormous urge to be spanked. Not like a little spanking, playful and fun (well...ok a little fun) but a real honest to goodness...not able to sit for a few days, butt hot for an hour spanking!

What is a girl to do? TJ is a little under the weather and I'm not sure if he'll be up to it tonight...

In any event here's my thoughts:

Bent over a table, nude (why nude? I don't know..I actually hate being nude)
a long warm up with a wooden paddle and then a long strapping with his thick black belt. (Again...I hate the belt why crave it tonight?)
Oooh and the pink hair brush we have..that is a nice warm thuddy implement.
...and I wouldn't mind attempting the dowel rod again...after the long warm up..maybe 5 with it?

It's official...I think I've lost my mind.

And on the 6th day....

I have been having trouble in an area of our bedroom activities and TJ thought to help me with it. His help was simple denial for one week. That denial ends tonight and TJ has promised that all of my waiting will be well rewarded.

Problem: Last night he tucked me in bed at 10:15....I had a book in my hand and he gave me a lopsided grin and asked if I planned to read. I nodded yes and mustered up the most adorable pleading smile I could...it worked. "Fifteen minutes then lights out," he kissed me and headed out of the room. I turned out the lights at 11:59.. if you did the math right you will see I was 1.5 hrs late. I had to finish the book...and really he should know this about me.

When I was younger I'd stay up until dawn finishing a book and then get about 2 hrs sleep before getting up for school. My father, who worked nights, would come home around 3 am and check on me in my room (cos he saw my light on from the street) "Just a few more minutes then put it away," he'd say. I'd nod, say good night...and finish the book (Do you see the pattern? It's not my fault really)

This morning I woke up cranky as all get out. I ended up snapping at one of the kids and TJ asked me what was wrong. I was near to tears. I had disobeyed him and was sure he'd cancel tonight's activities. I decided to come clean and I told him that I had gone to bed only a few minutes before he had come to bed.

"We'll talk about it tonight," he said. I asked to be let off since I didn't mean to disobey..but I had to finish the book. "You disobeyed me, no, I can't let it go,"

I was worried he'd cancel the fun stuff and he assured me that as long as I didn't do anything else during the day there wouldn't be any cancellation. We'd deal with last night then move on to the fun things.

Next problem: How do you do that? I tried explaining that I can't switch from punishment to fun time that easily. That I was looking forward to a fun spanking and now it would be a bad one (which he agreed that it would be bad) I asked if I could just write him an essay and he laughed.

So there it is. I suggested we handle the punishment right when I get home from work (before we watch our Tuesday show) then we could have fun time afterwards. He said "You get home right before Sons starts," to which I replied "It wasn't that bad of an infraction...do it during a commercial" and was rewarded with another chuckle.

Here's hoping I get through the day without any more trouble!

Submissive= Sexy

I think I've mentioned before that TJ and I have been delving a bit deeper, lately, into our relationship. I've put more effort into being obedient and giving myself over to him more. Not just sexually but in all areas of myself.

I'm feeling a bit shy for some reason, I don't usually feel shy on my blog. After all, it's my blog, although everything I post is true, my identity is completely hidden. (except from the 1 rl friend of mine who has the address but is too afraid to come peek) So, it's not as if I'm going turn the corner and bump into a reader and they are going to point and laugh at me..but none the less tonite I'm feeling shy. So, I wont' go more into the details of what has changed over the past few weeks..only to say that they have and that it's been going awesomely well.

I've started a journal for TJ. I put things in there that I'm a bit embarrassed to verbalize directly to his face.The other day , I had a few questions regarding this new adventure of ours and one was asking him if he's been happy with the changes. Before he even read the entry he made a point of telling me that he was thinking during the day how happy he has been. That he has been thinking more and more about me and our relationship lately, more so then ever before. Thereby answering my question before it was asked.

He then told me later on the same evening how sexy I've been. Now...I'm home with the kids all day, and am either running errands, dropping a kid off at school, or doing school work with them. I've been better at getting one some makeup on before he gets home but usually I look a wreck...he said "You've been more obedient...much more submissive to me lately...I dunno...it's just really sexy!"

I won't label this change, and I won't even label myself for once. I am just his wife, his obedient, submissive, sexy wife. And I find nothing sexier then his dominant personality that is shining through. We have never felt more natural or loving towards each other.

I will go into it more later.....maybe.

Day at the dentist.

I've had to get some work done on my teeth these past few weeks. (oh joy!) Last week when I was at the office I used my time wisely while the dentist was drilling my teeth, pulling my cheek this way, pushing my face that way...by thinking up a new idea for a spanking story that is currently being worked on.

So, today on the way to my appointment I had two thoughts:
1) think about the next chapter of said story.
2) Replay last night with TJ in my mind.

Since last night with TJ included some toast buttering (thanks Spanky for that term) and I was still a bit excited about said night time activity I chose #2. (how is that for a subject while some strange man is digging around your mouth! LOL)

My plan was to replay the evening in writing terms. I was going to write an erotic story about the event in my head so that I could go home type it up and place it on the erotic fiction blog. What happened, however, was that I was cracking myself up.

The office I go to is very efficient, I had walked in the door and they were waiting for me, I got in the chair and the dentist flew right in to start the numbing process. (I think the man is a machinist...he took so damn long to give each shot and I think he was enjoying himself too much at my discomfort) Well this process gets my adrenaline going and I kind of float off into a fun place. (Like getting high without the drugs)

Dentist comes back in to start the rest of his planned torture session and I put my plan into action. However, what thought keeps running through my mind?

"......I wonder what it would be like to give a blow job all numb like this....I can't even feel my tongue....Would I slobber all over him?.....Wow..I really can't feel my tongue...would that help or hinder my ability?" and I had to stifle a laugh at the image in my head of me trying to doing the deed with TJ and my mouth being in the condition that it was in.

Absolutely Elated

Since my last post TJ and I have had a "serious" talk about our marriage. TJ expressed his concern with moving forwards towards anything 'more' right now because he felt that we haven't gotten the basics down yet.. i.e. I'm not obeying enough and still fight him for control.

We've discovered that we each saw our marriage at different points. I thought we were further along and ready for the next step and he felt that we were still at the starting line. He said that he is open to "more" in our marriage and even wants it but that right now it isn't the time.

One thing that I've learned is that I have to stop trying to put a label on us and myself. Am I a vanilla woman who likes to be spanked? A slave? A submissive? Who cares! I am me, plain and simple and I have to start realizing that it doesn't matter how other couples manage thier relationships, that should not effect me. My focus needs to be on our marriage and me, not trying to keep up with the Jones's.

That said. I've been trying really hard the past few days to pay attention to TJ. I've been not arguing with him over stupid things and when he gives an order I've been trying really hard to obey it without question or complaint. Last night when TJ was putting me to bed he thanked me for all of the hard work I've been doing. He said that he's noticed how much effort I've been putting in and how hard I've been trying. He got that mushy "I love you" look in his eyes as he petted my hair (something I find very comforting and he know that).

I asked him if he likes me this way and he said "Oh yes! You've been happier, more clear headed, and that makes me very happy"

I was so happy with myself and with us that I near exploded with it. My heart was so swelled with pride and joy that I thougth it would burst in my chest. I had the biggest smile on my face last night as I drifted off to sleep. (Which was hard to do given the face that I was so full of emotion). I then compared that feeling to how I feel after I'm punished. Yes, I feel loved after a spanking but the feeling I had last night was SOOO MUCH BETTER! I was making him happy and I was just...well... elated!

it was a good night!

The waiting

I hate the waiting. I know it's coming, know damn well it is more than deserved, and I hate the dark feeling in the pit of my stomach.

The "I'm not happy about that..we will talk tonight about it," text message following a confessional text only made my heart drop into my stomach.

Shame washed over me when I realized how much what I had done could damage us in any way. Trust was breached. Ugh! A horrible feeling just knowing what I did, then to feel his disappointment! Double UGH! I think the fact that I upset him in such a way is more painful then what is to come this evening.

An assignment was given 1,000 word essay due this weekend. I thought I'd be getting off really easily but then it was told that the assignment was just the beginning and I'd have to wait until he was finished with some work to get the rest. When I had asked "Is the essay it?" (cos I was going to get ready for bed and I didn't want to seem like I was avoiding) he chuckled and said "Oh, no!"

I hate that I'm sitting here waiting to have my bottom spanked and that it's all my fault and I deserve it and I hate that I hurt him. It's a dark night for me, but it will all be over soon. The forgiveness will wash over me and the love will shine through....

To Tell or Not to Tell...that is a question!

I sometimes debate with myself whether or not to tell on myself if I've done something that warrants TJ's attention. It's usually something that he would not find out about if I kept it to myself, so I could easily let it slip by and it would go un-noticed.

However, to keep it to myself and not inform him would seem like I was making the decision that I did not warrant a punishment. On the other hand, if it's something I think is 'punishable' and I tell him and he does not think the same way, will I handle it correctly? Will I accept his decision or will I get grumpy because I think he's being too lenient? If I say nothing I take the decision away from him, if I tell him I run the risk of not accepting his decision....

These are the thoughts that were raging through me the other day. While we were away on our vacation a letter came in the mail from the library. It was an over due notice for a movie I had checked out prior to our vacation. I had completely forgotten that I had even rented it! (we hadn't even watched it yet). I looked at the fine and sucked in my breath. TJ hates when I forget to return things to the library, at one point he didn't even want me going to the library because I was always returning things late. (Luckily, the library is online now so I can renew before being late....I try to explain that it's in my blood...my mother is exactly the same way with the library...lol) I put the letter down and didn't say anything about it.

I kept thinking the same thoughts as in the beginning of my post until I decided. "No, tell him and if he decides to do nothing then you accept it!" So I wrote "Oops" on the notice and slid it under the door to the room that he was in and walked away. A few minutes later he came out and said: "So, do I have take your library card away from you?"
"No," was all I answered him.
"We will talk about this tonite," he assured me, I balked a little (just a habit I think)
"But I didn't even have to tell you about it," I pointed out.
"That's right, but I had already seen the notice on the table..I was just waiting to see if you would step up and tell me. You did, and that's great, but you still are getting a wuppin"
....I sighed and the conversation ended. I don't think I was trying to get out of the spanking, I was trying to lessen it I think. You see, he was fondling his belt during the conversation.

That night time talk happened, and I did my best to stay still for him. He did not use his belt, but instead used the evil scraper. He said he was tempted to ban me from the library but since I use it to take the kids to storytime and to get books for the children he wasn't going to. Instead, I am not allowed to check out any movies until he says its ok. He assured me it wasn't the fine that was the issue, but that I keep breaking the rule about returning the items on time. We watched the movie last night so I'll be returning it to the library this afternoon!

This past week

I did something really stupid this past week and of course I got caught. It's all a very long story and not that exciting so I'll skip to the end of it.

TJ was really really mad at me for what I had done and couldn't spank at the moment because he was that mad. So I had to stand in the corner while he calmed down. (HATE THE CORNER btw) By the time he got back over to me with the paddle in his hand I explained to him why what I had done was wrong and that I was sorry. He let it go. Yup. He said basically..I'm summarizing here.. "lesson learned".

Uhhhhhh....has he met me??? Hi, I'm Measha SPANKO. So it ate at me and ate at me that he just let it go. I withdrew from him, because a real snot towards him, (he did spank once for direct disobedience when I didn't go to bed) but really it was a messy week. We talked it all through the other night though...so it's all ok, now.

Why do I bring this up...well...cos I have thoughts.

1. I realized this week that I still control things around here a bit more then I'd like. For example I did what I did without permission becuase I knew if I asked he would have said no. Now...does that sound like a submissive woman? NO. That sounds like a "well...he'll say yes so I'll ask him...but if he's going to say no, I won't" woman...not good for a DD relationship.

2. I really do need a spanking even after everything is forgiven and worked through. The spanking isn't what really "Teaches" anything, that's all done by communication and intelligence..but it clears the air.

3. TJ still, after all this time, didn't understand what I wanted out of a HOH or what my thought were on his "job description". And I didn't see his point of view either. He feels like he'll have me do things I don't want to just becuase I want to please him.. I had to remind him that a) I'm not stupid and b)I'm no doormat...I can still say no, and explain why .

It was a somewhat enlightening week.....who knows what next week will bring.

A spanko is a spanko...at all times

Last night I was helping to set up a community yard sale. I was walking around with my little stickers, pricing items. When I got over to the clothing accessory section I came across an old brown wide leather belt. This belt had been used...quite used. The leather was no longer stiff but had been worked rather well so that it rolled up easily.

To anyone else they may have looked at it and thought "Oh..too old," and put it back. My thought: "This would make an awesome implement. It's no good for wearing anymore...but we could hang it up in the bedroom on the wall..." and then I started to think of the spankings that would be given with that belt and I rolled it back up and put it down.

I put it down for a few reasons. 1.) I was a bit embarrassed about buying it. I know logically no one there would know why I was buying it, but I would know. 2) I promised myself that if TJ wanted something new to use he'd have to get it himself. and 3) The yard sale was in a church and I was getting a little too "excited" just holding the darn thing. I had to put it down and walk away least I embarrass myself.

Although...the sale is today. I might stop by and see if it sold......

Not feeling real.

DD is such a rollercoaster at times! There are weeks where spankings are happening left and right, and if there not there is definately that "DD feeling" in the air. "DD feeling" to me is when I feel his dominance, I can feel that he is in charge and I have no doubt about that.

Then there are weeks where it all goes on the back burner because of the kids, work, illness, or just life in general, and that DD feeling starts to fade. That is what has been happening a little too often around here for me.

Last night I asked TJ for a spanking. I was in the mood, hadn't had one in a little while, and I think I was searching for that DD feeling. He was more then willing. It wasn't too hard, actually really soft. However, when it did start to have a bit more sting to it I rolled away and sat up (we were on the floor) He told me to "get back" and I said "No, there's no goal to it, what's the point," he just looked at me.
"Get back.......................because I told you to," and his voice wasn't harsh, it was stern but not harsh at all...actually it was almost caressing. I got back into position and when I said "Why bother," he replied with "Because I want to...and I think you need it," and on he went.

It didn't last very long after that and it didn't hurt at all. He asked me if I felt better and I shook my head. I tried to explain that it doesn't feel real anymore and he went on to explain that I've been working a lot and now that things are starting to get back to normal the "real" feeling will return.

I'm taking him at his word, and assuming he's right. Hoping he's right.....he's right....right?