He needs to be..

The Dominant, HOH, Top, Master or whatever name you have chosen for the head honcho in the relationship, needs to have a few qualities...

1. Dependable. He can't go around making idle promises or threats. If he says he's going to do something he has to do it. Even (almost especially) the trivial things. She needs to know that he's taking care of her even in the non sexual, non spanking ways. If she has to constantly worry about "did he pay the water bill?" "Did he take the trash out, it's pick up day" "Did he remember to get the kids from school today..." etc... how can she relinquish control? Now, this is not to say that he can't be human...everyone forgets trash day now and then...and who hasn't forgotten to mail a bill once in a while...but the majority of the time..if he said he's gonna do it...he better do it.

2. Sturdy. He can't be wishy washy. If he has a preference..state it and stand by it. Don't piddle around the bush... "Uh..I dunno...maybe...well...what do you think?" NO. If he likes his woman shaved, just say it. If he wants her to call before she leaves work so that he knows to expect her home, tell her!

3. Unmoved but reasonable. When his lady is out of line he needs to be unmoved by her "excuses", while being reasonable in his expectations.

4. Trustworthy. This is an absolute MUST for any relationship, as far as I'm concerned, but even more so when DD or D/s or M/s is involved. If you don't trust the man holding the paddle, step away and rethink the situation. This also goes hand in hand with #1. If you can't depend on him, trusting him is a very hard thing to do. There is so much more to D/s than sex and if he can't take care of things for normal day to day things, how can you trust him with your being, your heart and your soul?

These are just things that have been floating around my head today. I might think up a list of qualities she should have...

Keeping him on his toes

Last evening was a normal evening. Dinner was eaten, kitchen cleaned, kids to bed on time and a few sitcoms were watched. (Ok, the sitcoms were not part of our normal evening, but the laughs were a welcomed change)

TJ went to play on his computer and I was sitting on the computer putzing around on mine. After a while I realized nothing fun was going to happen with us and moved on to studying for my class...actually, I was taking a practice quiz and failed miserably, so I'll be doing more studying.

TJ came into the kitchen to fix himself a snack.

"What's wrong?" he asked me with an exasperated tone as he turned the microwave on and I watched.

"Nothing. What do you mean?" I questioned, genuinely suprised by his question and his tone.

"You are moping, like your mad that I didn't plan anything for you tonight." he accused and I was even more confused.

"No, I'm not moping. I was doing my math quiz," I explained. "I mean, sure I was disappointed, you had said we'd be doing something but you aren't feeling good, I know that. I'm not mad."

He looked at me then said nothing. He was thinking and I kept silent.

"It's like you get upset because I'm not entertaining you,"

"What? Did I do or say something that I don't remember?" I asked, thoroughly baffled at this point.

"No," he admitted.

"I'm confused. I mean, yeah I'm a little disappointed that we haven't done anything lately. I mean we had that talk and nothing has happened, aside from sex, since. I haven't had a spanking in nearly 3 months. But I'm not mad, I haven't complained. I was disappointed...but not in you. Kinda like if we planned a movie night but had to cancel...I was looking forward to it but I'm not mad that it didn't happen. I'm trying to just let things happen when they happen...like you said to."

Another look, an odd one I haven't seen before.

"I haven't said anything because making you do something isn't going to work for us. You would probably say no and then I'd be hurt or angry, and it would be like I was still controlling all of this. I figured when you were ready you would do something." I added and he crossed his arms over his chest leaning back against the counter.

"Right." he nodded.

"So, what did I do wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing." he shrugged. "I'm just not used to it. You are doing exactly what I told you to do and I'm not used to it." he answered.

"So, you are concerned because I'm not ranting and raving at you about not doing what I want you to do?"

"Yes!"and we both laughed. He hugged me and shook his head. "I am confused. I had you all figured out and then you go and change on me. Now I have to figure out what to do,"

"You want me not to go with the flow?"

"No, I want you to keep this up. I just didn't expect it," And he kissed me and sent me off to bed as confused as he was before the conversation.


I don't really know what made me settle in more easily to waiting for him to find his groove, but I'm glad that it's working. I'm more relaxed and now that I'm not pushing I think he'll start stepping up a bit more...speaking of which I'm to report to his office in 20 minutes and I haven't begun to get ready for the morning sprint of getting three kids into the minivan by 7:15.

Comfort Zone

Nothing has happened. There has been no more talk of what is expected nor has there been a spanking, or even a verbal warning towards my behavior. Yes, it's only been a few day; however, I already feel a change in the house. A new tone has been set. I have been more calm and relaxed. I feel happy and loved as if he's with me at all times. I've told him this just this morning. He smiled and said "That's good," and when I was ranting about the pots not being put away properly (a battle we've fought since day one of moving into this house) he just laughed and commented on how cute I looked ranting in my scrub bottoms and my bra. That took all the fight out of me, not that there was much at all anyway. I feel as though I'm being hugged even when he's not here to hug me, it's a wonderful feeling this comfort zone.

Let it be said...

TJ and I spoke last night. We talked for a long time and we straightened out a lot of things between us. He asked if I wished to speak first, and I did. I rattled off my list of "expectations" and once I was done, and my face was blushing fiercely, he nodded. He asked for a few clarifications then nodded again "That sounds good," he smiled at me over his left shoulder, as he was getting a proper back scratch from me while we talked.

Then it was his turn. He stood up, put his shirt back on, and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't sit next to me while he talked about his expectations of me, instead he stood against the wall while I stared up at him from my spot on the couch. Some of the things he said were not surprising to me at all. He mentioned that since my surgery I have gotten quite used to him doing the majority of the house work and now that I was feeling better I needed to step up. No more checking emails after dinner while he cleans up the kitchen. "We both work full time so we both have to pitch in to keep this place clean," he said.

There were some things that I was a little surprised about. Time Management. He doesn't like the way I'm handling my school work. The time on the weekends is really the issue, from what I understood. So now on Saturdays and Sundays I'm to give him a schedule for that particular day and he will adjust it to meet any needs he has for the day. I thrive on schedules, the day goes so much smoother when I know what is next and where I'm supposed to be.

One change that he is implementing is that he will only tell me something one time. If he makes a new rule and I break it the next day, there will be a punishment. If my attitude is starting to get out of hand, he will give me one warning and only one. If I continue then there will be a punishment. Speaking of punishments, "When I say it's game time...it's game time. No arguing, no trying to weasel your way out of anything,"

I asked him to understand that we haven't done any spanking in a while and that spanking hurts, so to expect me to stand perfectly still is a bit of an impossible expectation. He thought about it for a second and replied "For now. That's on me, I'll have to train you properly in that area," My jaw dropped and I just stared at him, which must have pleased him because he smiled at me with a bit more enthusiasm I would like to see when talking about spanking my bottom (in a non playing way).

The talk was wonderful as well as the festivities that occurred later, however, there was no spanking. I was sure there would be one...mostly because he had said a few days ago that there would be one. I don't know if he forgot about that part or if he just wanted to get to the really fun stuff instead. I didn't bother to ask him, I wasn't upset about not getting a spanking....I think I really wasn't looking forward to it because my bum is completely virginized again and I can only imagine the mess the first spanking is going to be.

So...things are reverting back to the norm...or at least as normal as things can get around here.

A revelation...been having lots of these lately

A few days ago, at work, I was working up a patient who happened to have her husband with her. I don't know what about this couple caused me to think of submission, but it did, perhaps it was their ethnicity. Either way, it brought about a whole slew of thoughts.

Would I feel these submissive feelings that I feel if it did not in some small way turn me on? Now, I do not walk around all hot and bothered because I got TJ a cup of coffee but I do feel warm and fuzzy on an intimate level that I do not feel when say getting a cup of coffee for my brother in law. If I didn't get that, if it was simply expected of me to be obedient by society and those all around me, would I still enjoy it?

For those women living in countries where they have no choice but to be submissive to their husbands, do they find any fulfillment in it or is it simply so natural to them that they don't give it another thought?

I think that because we have a choice to be submissive to our husbands or we can be "equal" (honestly, I believe there is no such thing as equal in a relationship but that's another post for another day) it makes it more...I don't know...meaningful, fulfilling?

Is it because of the intimacy in the rest of my relationship with TJ that triggers the warm and fuzzies when I do small acts for him? I no longer have a say in sex...well...I can not say "no" to sex, I should clarify (not that I ever would LOL) If I understand correctly in some cultures this is the case in most marriages, if he wants it- he gets it. Even when TJ is simply "taking" what is his, I still get such a thrill from it, such enjoyment from it that I can hardly say I am not being satisfied, on both the emotional and physical levels.

Would it be the same if this dynamic of ours did not exist? I thought to myself that it would be boring and mundane to submit to someone if these feelings that I currently have weren't there. Which leads me to another question that just popped in my head....

If something awful were to happen that left TJ unable to physically pleasure, punish, dominate me would I still be able to submit to him? Of course, I'd always take care of him and love him and be there for him, that would never change..but if there was no chance of a kinky sex night or a wonderfully bottom warming spanking would I: still 1) be able to submit to his rules, dictates and/or 2) Get as much out of it?

I would like to say yes, and I think I would. I find the mental part of domination to be just as stimulating as his touch. Often his words are enough to get me moving in the direction he desires....and there are "devices" out there to help with the physical aspect. (*insert blush and wicked smile here*)

Anyhoo... those were my thoughts. I think submitting to TJ is absolutely thrilling and I'm glad that it is my choice because I think that's partly what makes it so wonderful.

Just another day...

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with TJ as well as all of the terms DD, D/s, M/s... yes I know..no labeling. However...

I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call it..in the end it's still our relationship.

Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.

To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.

One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying "No..no...just let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?

There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.

Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing so....is that too weird?

I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for now...at least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.

To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?

And it made all the difference...

Last night went much better than the night before. I mentioned to TJ that perhaps I was having trouble with the spankings because he was so physically withdrawn from me.

After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.

It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.

I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.

I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.

I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.

So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.

Anger Managment

Something I've noticed about submission, perhaps not in general but where it pertains to me: I have a horrible time doing it when I'm mad.

If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.

The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)

It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.

I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?

I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.

Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"

And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?

It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.

TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)

I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?

When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...

Cowardly Lion

I used to think that people who are into D/s, BDSM, S&M, DD or whichever label you want to put on it are more adventorous types of people. More outgoing. more willing to seek out the unknown and face it head on. Then there is me.

Take today. TJ is in a wedding today (Yes, on Halloween and no the couple did not bother to actually use the holiday in their theme...just a plain wedding that is taking me away from my kids on their trick or treat day!...but I digress). This wedding happens to be downtown so we decided to splurge and get a hotel room instead of trekking back to my parents house at midnight to get the kiddies and then trek another 45 minutes to get home. Hurray for us a night with no kids (Dont' worry I've brought the essentials...black leather paddle, purple flogger, etc...)

The bride of this wedding decided she wanted the wedding party to be at the hotel at 11:30...6 hrs before the ceremony... so that the photographer can take candids of everyone getting dressed. Fine, I got to check in early and I got to be in the hotel room while TJ was off taking pictures (after we properly got settled in the room WEG)

Here I am. I'm sitting downtown with my computer and have all afternoon to write.
...
......
............

I have nothing. Nada.....my characters in my story have decided they are going to take a holiday today as well. So...I figure...go out...get some lunch.


Problem. I'm not adventurous. I'm not a thrill seeker. I dont' want to go searching the unknown all by myself, at least. I'm in the middle of greek town surrounded by tons of wonderful restaurants and I ended up just grabbing a turkey sandwich in the hotel diner. Which really after paying my 18 dollars for a sandwich and soda...I realized...I could have sat by myself in another restaurant instead... But...I couldn't get my feet to move in the direction of the entrance door to any of the wonderful restaurants I passed on my walk.

This is a quality about myself that annoys me to no end. I have the hardest time meeting people because I don't really want to talk to strangers. Its a comfort zone thing..something perhaps TJ can help me with.. I don't really know.

But one thing I learned today. Just cos people like to be spanking, whipped, dominated or whatever does not mean they have the balls to eat in a restaurant all alone... or is it just me?

Anyhooo... HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone. I'm off to nap before getting dolled up and heading to the wedding.

As for the leather paddle and the flogger? I'm going to leave them on the bed so TJ can see them right when we walk in tonight...Wonder if it will be a trick or treat for me tonight!? WEG

Want To Vs. Have To

A few nights ago TJ and I were watching TV together late at night. TJ finally told me a few things he had been thinking about; a few changes he wanted to make.

1.) I am to learn how to mend clothes. - I hate mending, as far as I'm concerned if there's a hole, toss it.
2.) I am to be ready (teeth brushed and pj's on) for bed by 10 pm without complaint.
3.) he wants me to make his lunch for work every day.

#3 has been taken back and isn't really a rule now. Let me explain. When he told me about that I reminded him that we had tried that at one point and it didn't work out. I, also, pointed out that I'm already busy in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and the baby doesn't make it easy in the morning. He didn't really see those things as a good reason not to expect me to make his lunch. I can easily get the lunches (his and the 5 yr olds) ready the night before. As for what worked before or didn't work before...not relevant. This is now, he said.

We talked about it some more and I said. "I like making your lunch for you, and I do try to get it done," to which he agreed but said that he was wanting me to make it a priority. I then went on to explain. "I like doing it because it makes you happy, and I want to make you happy. But if you make it a 'have to', I'm afraid that it will just be one more thing on my to-do list and I'll become overwhelmed."

As it is I am the cooker, cleaner, close washer, homework helper (he does this too, just not as much), family accountant...along with my very part-time job and trying to get my writing off the ground, as well as getting my papers in order to go back to college. I'm afraid that taking on his personal things like that might make me feel resentful towards him.

I don't want to give the impression that he's a lazy bum and does nothing. That's not the case.

After our discussion about the additional rules, (I did mention to him I thought the bedtime sucked...which made him laugh but not change his mind) he decided to take away the lunch rule. He explained that it was something he'd like but that he understood what I meant.

He, also, said that he will never make a rule or dictate something that makes me feel 'less than'. That if a rule was making me feel bad (not "uncomfortable"...because "uncomfortable" could only mean I'm trying something new) or was making me feel unappreciated or unloved that he would revoke that rule without a problem. He doesn't want to 'hurt' me...at least emotionally...some of the things he's wanting to do to me physically are definitely going to hurt. WEG

I love to do the things for him that make him happy and feel loved but when it becomes a rule, it sort of takes away from the joy of it. Maybe I should do it because he says I have to, maybe I should be feeling good because he's given me a dictate (and isn't that what I wanted?) but that's not the case. In the end he said to forget it as a rule and we would just see how it goes.

The kicker is: I try really hard to make his lunch normally anyway. However, as soon as he said it was a rule... I didn't want to anymore. The thought "I don't have enough things I have to do in the morning or to get ready for the next day...now I have one more!?" popped in my head and I felt a slight surge of resentment/anger.

Does this make me less submissive or less then what I want to be? I dunno. I don't think it makes me less submissive to him of that I'm almost positive. Maybe a different kind of submissive then I had thought I was...

On empty...literally!

I don't know why I can't simply be content when I'm content!

I mean really! Things were moving along splendidly. We have been happy..well except for the whole Blech issue, which is slowly moving away. I've been following the rules without even much effort. We've had some fun and he's even given me a little treat this week because of how happy I've been making him and visa versa.

So what do I do? I muck it up!

I don't know why but I have such a horrid time keeping gas in the van at the level in which he requires it. I just kept saying to myself "Stop tomorrow. The girls are in the car and you have get out cos you're using cash...ugh..just go tomorrow" Well, tomorrow finally came...... today when the gas light went on...with TJ in the van with me.

The light popped on and I started to laugh, cos it was a little funny since I had just reminded myself to go to the gas station...tomorrow. "We need to stop for gas," I smiled at him and he looked over at the console and made a face. I can't even really describe the face...not angry, but not amused... more annoyed I suppose.

So I laughed all the way to gas station while he kept an eye on the gas gauge. "I can get all the way to work on that light! Stop worrying!" I said to him, which did not improve his glare. We were literally 1.5 miles from the gas station, we were going to be just fine.

I pulled into the station, aimed for the pump I wanted, and took my foot off the gas and coasted to the pump exclaiming "OH NO...I don't know if we are gonna make it!" (Insert laughter)

He pulled my hair! Yes...the man actually pulled on my ponytail. Not only that, he then said: "You are pumping!" Because it was raining. I just laughed more. I made a few more smart ass comments about gas pumping. (They were really funny comments, too. TJ even laughed at them)

I went in, paid for the gas and went back to pump it. He came out of the car and offered to finish cos he was going crazy with the kids in the van. (Who were having a 'who can scream the loudest' contest..yes all 3 of them...nice that the girls included the baby)

We had a short chat. Nothing serious, he mentioned that he was looking forward to coming home tonight. Something about it not mattering if I was asleep, he'd just wake me up. The last thing he said before I left him to finish was that he would "Grab the paddle you don't like and go to town on your ass!" which I'm sure the guy at the next pump heard. I just laughed and hopped in the car.

Yes, it was all funny..at the time. Before he left for his evening out he kissed me and looked into my eyes and said "I can't wait to get home!" and slapped my bottom, told me to be good and headed out.

Ok...so maybe I was pushing for a spanking cos I haven't had one in a while. I really dont' want a punishment, though. I know the gas thing is big to him, not to me at all, but to him it is.

Since it's a big issue for him...shouldn't it be a big issue for me? His wants and his rules should be a priority to me. Not just when I want them to be.

Like if he made a rule that I was totally in agreement with I could be on board 100%. I want to be on board with the rule even if I think it's stupid but it's a big thing to him.

I want him to be proud of me again, I want to hear how happy he is with me again. All kidding aside... I want to hear that "good girl" again. (Have I ever mentioned how weak in the knees I get when he says that?) I want to submit to even the dumb things, not just the things I think are important...isn't that the point of being submissive...or at least some part of it?

I think my funk is ending and I just finding a new groove or something. I dont' really know.... He's not going to be home for another 2 hrs or so. I have an urge to watch "Secretary"...so I shall.

...maybe he'll come home and have forgotten. Will that be a good thing or bad?

The Bed...

I'm working something through my head and I'm going to play it all out right here. Maybe once I've gotten it out of my head I will better understand my own thoughts on the subject.

The other night when TJ wanted to spank me for my "whatever" attitude I was a bit hesitant. Acutally, I was downright defiant at first. I told him it would do no good and I simply did not get into position for him. He won't ever force me into position, I have to accept the punishment being given to me. He stared at me for a few minutes and I could tell he wasn't really sure what to do with me. He was displeased, that much was evident, but he was also unsure.

Finally he threw the belt down and said "Fine. Go to bed. You wont' take your punishment, go to bed. Take the blue blanket with you," he ordered referring the the fleece throw on the couch.

"Why?" I questioned.

He went on to explain that I was not to sleep in the bed. That if I wouldn't be obendient and take my punishment that I would spend the night on the floor. That sleeping in bed with him was not a right but a privilege and since he had every intention of sleeping in bed I was to curl up on the floor.

What the.... ???? you may be asking....yeah...me too. What ball field did that ball come flying out of?!

I just stared at him open mouthed at first. Obviously, if you read my last post, I took my punishment....which really didn't turn out to be a punishment but an open door to a much needed discussion.

Later, that evening once we were in bed together, I asked him if he had really planned on letting me sleep on the floor. He answered that he was fully prepared to let me sleep on the floor.

Here is my issue.
1) A privilege not a right?
2) I doubt I'd ever actually comply with sleeping on the floor..I dont' think...would I?
3) I didn't argue it. I didn't say "No that's not ok" instead I did what I had to do in order for that situation not to happen.

I feel like I'm in some middle world. Not quite in DD country but not in D/s land either... I know...don't label it.

We've had a talk about our limits and such. Things I will NOT do or tolerate and he things he will NOT do or tolerate. This is new territory for me and I could seriously use a GPS or a flipping compass would even help.

post update: I talked with TJ this morning, after this post was sent out (I had it scheduled). He explained that it wasn't the bed that was the issue but him being in it with me. I thought to keep himself away from me was a horrible punishment and that's why we had implemented DD in our marriage to begin with. To keep us from avoiding each other. What he meant was that if I'm not going to take a punishment that we had agreed to then he wouldn't share our bed with me. So...I think I've worked this through.... I think..................

A little Update

Just as I finished posting the other night about how wonderful everything was going here...I got myself into trouble!

I'll be honest, I don't remember what set me off or even what I said but I said just enough to get TJ upset. Tj has been favoring his belt lately. I, on the other hand, despise the black leather creature and wish I could somehow accidentally destroy the beast.

The spanking wasn't that long but it adequately got us past the issue. The thing about TJ is no matter how stern he is before and during the spanking he is all gooey love afterward. He always hugs and kisses me and asks me to reaffirm that I love him. The lovemaking was also nice. (I'm snickering here, cos it was actually mind blowing passionate sex)

Yesterday was not the best of days for me. I found out that I will most likely be needing surgery on a part of my body most people would rather not have another human being (other then your S/o) look at much less operate on. I was not feeling very good about it at all and instead of telling TJ about how unsexy I felt I just threw the word "whatever" at him whenever he warned me for my tone.

Finally having enough of that he beckoned me to his office. I followed, reluctantly, and tried to tell him that I wasn't in the right frame of mind and that spanking me would get us no where. Boy was I wrong! The spanking did not fix my emotions, however, it got me to tell him what my emotions were. Once I blurted out what was wrong with me he sat back and dropped his belt. He had me curl up on his lap and we talked.

He was totally loving and supportive. He did explain that if I'm feeling something like that it's not an excuse to act out, that I am suppose to tell him so he can help me. He can't fix the physical thing that's wrong but he can help me to emotionally deal with it.

So by being open and vulnerable with him I have allowed him to love me, all of me. Who knew!

Submissive= Sexy

I think I've mentioned before that TJ and I have been delving a bit deeper, lately, into our relationship. I've put more effort into being obedient and giving myself over to him more. Not just sexually but in all areas of myself.

I'm feeling a bit shy for some reason, I don't usually feel shy on my blog. After all, it's my blog, although everything I post is true, my identity is completely hidden. (except from the 1 rl friend of mine who has the address but is too afraid to come peek) So, it's not as if I'm going turn the corner and bump into a reader and they are going to point and laugh at me..but none the less tonite I'm feeling shy. So, I wont' go more into the details of what has changed over the past few weeks..only to say that they have and that it's been going awesomely well.

I've started a journal for TJ. I put things in there that I'm a bit embarrassed to verbalize directly to his face.The other day , I had a few questions regarding this new adventure of ours and one was asking him if he's been happy with the changes. Before he even read the entry he made a point of telling me that he was thinking during the day how happy he has been. That he has been thinking more and more about me and our relationship lately, more so then ever before. Thereby answering my question before it was asked.

He then told me later on the same evening how sexy I've been. Now...I'm home with the kids all day, and am either running errands, dropping a kid off at school, or doing school work with them. I've been better at getting one some makeup on before he gets home but usually I look a wreck...he said "You've been more obedient...much more submissive to me lately...I dunno...it's just really sexy!"

I won't label this change, and I won't even label myself for once. I am just his wife, his obedient, submissive, sexy wife. And I find nothing sexier then his dominant personality that is shining through. We have never felt more natural or loving towards each other.

I will go into it more later.....maybe.

Clothes pins!

I have no idea why but I saw a 24 pack on sale at the store today and I picked them up and threw them in the cart. For drying clothes perhaps? Nope...don't have a clothes line. For arts and crafts with the kids? Possibly...that would make a good cover I suppose. But when I picked them up those were not things on my mind. The things on my mind were dirty, dark, and totally embarrassing were I to verbalize them.

This started when our oldest daughter brought home a craft from school with two of the wooden pins attached. I sent a flirtatious text: Any ideas what to do with those two clothes pins now that she destroyed the craft?
What I got in return: Stop it. Those are H's.

A few hours later I glance at the clearance table at the local store and there they are sitting. A package wrapped in plastic wrap with a large picture of a wooden clothes pin. $0.90 Unable to pass up a sale... I pick them up, toss them in the cart and continue on. Here's the really strange thing. I've only 'played' with such items once in my life and it was many many years ago and it was really just trying them out (you know..put one on see what its like, scream and throw them all away and curse yourself for the fool you are) So now I have the little buggers and they are staring me in face.

Will I tell Tj I bought them or will I hide them away in my drawer where a few other dark secrets are kept? If I show him will he laugh me off or will he raise his delicious eyebrow in that way that makes me shiver and beckon me into his office?

Submissive Picture

I was doing a search for "submissive" images on google this afternoon so that I could get a "muse" for a short fiction for the team blog I'm now a part of (Erotic Flash Fiction) and I came across this picture. I was completely mesmerized by it. So much so that I just stared at it for at least 2 minutes.

To me it just screams love and dominance. Look at the way he's gripping her hair, the way she's pressed into his belly. I can almost smell his skin, feel the gruffness of his hold on her. The wedding ring displayed on his free hand catches my eye as well. I don't know if it's because I've been having a rough week this week or if it's cos my hormones are raging or what but I could really go for being held in such a way today.

9/3/09: Update..if you want to see what I came up with go here. Thanks!

Absolutely Elated

Since my last post TJ and I have had a "serious" talk about our marriage. TJ expressed his concern with moving forwards towards anything 'more' right now because he felt that we haven't gotten the basics down yet.. i.e. I'm not obeying enough and still fight him for control.

We've discovered that we each saw our marriage at different points. I thought we were further along and ready for the next step and he felt that we were still at the starting line. He said that he is open to "more" in our marriage and even wants it but that right now it isn't the time.

One thing that I've learned is that I have to stop trying to put a label on us and myself. Am I a vanilla woman who likes to be spanked? A slave? A submissive? Who cares! I am me, plain and simple and I have to start realizing that it doesn't matter how other couples manage thier relationships, that should not effect me. My focus needs to be on our marriage and me, not trying to keep up with the Jones's.

That said. I've been trying really hard the past few days to pay attention to TJ. I've been not arguing with him over stupid things and when he gives an order I've been trying really hard to obey it without question or complaint. Last night when TJ was putting me to bed he thanked me for all of the hard work I've been doing. He said that he's noticed how much effort I've been putting in and how hard I've been trying. He got that mushy "I love you" look in his eyes as he petted my hair (something I find very comforting and he know that).

I asked him if he likes me this way and he said "Oh yes! You've been happier, more clear headed, and that makes me very happy"

I was so happy with myself and with us that I near exploded with it. My heart was so swelled with pride and joy that I thougth it would burst in my chest. I had the biggest smile on my face last night as I drifted off to sleep. (Which was hard to do given the face that I was so full of emotion). I then compared that feeling to how I feel after I'm punished. Yes, I feel loved after a spanking but the feeling I had last night was SOOO MUCH BETTER! I was making him happy and I was just...well... elated!

it was a good night!

Submissive fears....

A comment on a previous post I had asked for me to further explain "my fear of losing myself in this" in regards to submission. So here goes. Please keep in mind these (as always) are my own ramblings based on my own thoughts.

I think everyone has a different definition of Submission and that there are several degrees or levels of it. I don't think there are any "right" or "wrong" ways to go about being submissive. (Although, there are always exceptions...granted) So here is my definition or at least how submission plays a roll in my home.

I have accepted that my husband is the leader of our home, he has authority over me and our family. That, though we may discuss issues, his decision is the final one in our home.

That said, one of the things I'm afraid of is being mindlessly obedient. By this I mean, obeying him without thought to the matter. Now, I'm not saying that every rule or dictate by Tj should be weighed and thought over before obeying but I do not want to become some robot who simply does as she's told simply because she was told to. Example:

I make my own laundry detergent (works great, lasts us months and only costs $5.00) to make.) I keep a bit bucket of it in a storage container and keep a small bottle in the laundry room. TJ doesnt' do laundry very often, but let's say he does a load one night and uses the last of the detergent in the smaller bottle. The next morning as he's leaving for the day he tells me "There's no more laundry soap make another batch this weekend,". I do not want to simply go and do it becuase he said to and not even giving it thought I can say to him. "I still have a bunch in the storage bucket, I fill up the bottle in the laundry room"
Obviously, a very simple example but I think it shows my meaning.

I, also, don't want to become someone who believes that their own thoughts, feelings, or needs have to be second (notice the italics of the words have to). I am afraid that if I'm spending most of my energy on making sure his needs or wants are met how will I make sure my needs are being met too? I am human. I have wants and needs, too. It's all well and good to say that if I take care of him he'll in turn take care of me (which to an extent has already started happening) ...but again..these are just my random fears and thoughts. I just don't ever want to think that my needs aren't as important or my desires aren't as important.

Again, these are just my thoughts and fears..or maybe worry is a better word then fear. I may think of more when I get into bed tonight but for now, that's all there is...

Do with it what you will..