This DD concept is completely natural to me. In the sense that I think about it more often and am more comfortable with it then TJ is. Even after 10 yrs of marriage and 7/8 (or so) years of DD (on and off and on and off) I still sometimes feel like I'm in the drivers seat.
I don't think it's anything he's done or is doing but more my mindset. I have gotten so used to pointing things out to him that I don't think I'm leaving him much room to come up with his own plan. When he does come up with his own plan there's still a bit of tug of war over who's right. When in reality when I asked for DD I asked to be heard, be considered, but that his decision was his decision. I trust him to make the right choice for our family, and if somehow he doesn't then we call it "learning" and we move on.
Even with just the simply act of spanking. I, too often, point out to him "Hey, did you hear what I just said....are you gonna let me get away with that?" (not in those words but you get my meaning). Sometimes, I think he won't act if I don't tell him to. I'm sure he would, in fact he has, just the other day with the cell phone issue. I got into the habit of pointing out when he should spank and now I think I've gotten us into that routine.
It irritates me that after all of this time I'm still fighting him for control I don't want. So, I've come up with a plan. It's simple really. I'm going to do my best to back off. Let him drive for a while without me grabbing the wheel or yelling to turn. I'm just gonna look out the window and enjoy the scenery while he takes us wherever he takes us. Easily said. Let's see how easy it is to practice. I know I've gotten much better then when I first brought this subject up to him, but I know that I could be a lot better too. I complain sometimes that he's not "with it" when it comes to DD but today I'm analyzing myself and I can be doing better. So I'm going to try harder.
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Showing posts with label control. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Working on it...Update!
Well, it's been a few weeks since I handed over the checkbook and the bills to TJ....
So far it's been a bit tense for me, knowing that he's making decisions that I wouldn't make. He's doing things his way and not mine, which is driving me to distraction, but overall I think I've handled it well. I haven't yelled or screamed or even had a fit when he's told me that I couldn't get something. He's made a few mistakes but I think he'll learn from them....I hope. (even though if he had done things my way...the mistakes wouldn't have happened...but I digress and I need to breathe...)
The last time he had control over the checkbook he had made a few mistakes and I instantly took it all back. I freaked out and made the decision that he couldn't handle it and I grabbed control from him. This time...I'm going to let this be a learning experience for him. He let the balance get too low, a few things bounced, (I'm taking steady breaths here...staying calm) but he'll learn from this, I have to let him do this for a few reasons.
1. It makes him feel more like HOH if he's actually in charge.
2. The money was getting too stressful for me with having to always chase him around trying to figure out what he was doing with the debit card. and
3. Its really important to him, so that makes it important to me.
So so far nothing crazy has happened. The earth did not open up and swallow me whole. The world has not ended because I am not in total control of this portion of our life together, even with the little bump in the road it has been ok. So far...
OK...That's what I wrote yesterday with the intentions of posting it today....this morning, however, brought about a whole different scene. I completely lost my temper on the phone with TJ and said some horrible things. I thought for sure that I was going to be in for a spanking tonight but that wasn't the case. He felt that part of the problem was his mistake because he had caused the issue in the first place by making the mistake with the money. I countered that just because he makes a mistake doesn't mean that I get to go off the way I did. We talked about the entire issue, how it got out of hand, who's fault it was (both of ours) and in the end I'm off the hook. Sometimes when he lets me off the hook I feel let down, but tonight it's different. I am genuinely sorry for going off on him the way I did. We talked about it and it's all resolved. No hard feelings, no anger, no resentment. And I'm calm. I don't think a spanking would do anything to help this situation or even make it worse. I guess that's a part of DD I didn't think I'd see. Even though he'd totally be in his rights to punish for what I did he's not going to. Partly because he feels he's also to blame and partly because we talked it out and have come to a solution for the original problem. This whole letting control of that check book is getting harder on me. One of the things I ranted about was that I was taking it back from him. Tonight when we were talking I mentioned that I didn't really want it back and his response was. "Oh, you're not getting it back. I'm not giving it up...and that's the end of that," Sometimes even when things go wrong...they end up putting you in the right place!
So far it's been a bit tense for me, knowing that he's making decisions that I wouldn't make. He's doing things his way and not mine, which is driving me to distraction, but overall I think I've handled it well. I haven't yelled or screamed or even had a fit when he's told me that I couldn't get something. He's made a few mistakes but I think he'll learn from them....I hope. (even though if he had done things my way...the mistakes wouldn't have happened...but I digress and I need to breathe...)
The last time he had control over the checkbook he had made a few mistakes and I instantly took it all back. I freaked out and made the decision that he couldn't handle it and I grabbed control from him. This time...I'm going to let this be a learning experience for him. He let the balance get too low, a few things bounced, (I'm taking steady breaths here...staying calm) but he'll learn from this, I have to let him do this for a few reasons.
1. It makes him feel more like HOH if he's actually in charge.
2. The money was getting too stressful for me with having to always chase him around trying to figure out what he was doing with the debit card. and
3. Its really important to him, so that makes it important to me.
So so far nothing crazy has happened. The earth did not open up and swallow me whole. The world has not ended because I am not in total control of this portion of our life together, even with the little bump in the road it has been ok. So far...
OK...That's what I wrote yesterday with the intentions of posting it today....this morning, however, brought about a whole different scene. I completely lost my temper on the phone with TJ and said some horrible things. I thought for sure that I was going to be in for a spanking tonight but that wasn't the case. He felt that part of the problem was his mistake because he had caused the issue in the first place by making the mistake with the money. I countered that just because he makes a mistake doesn't mean that I get to go off the way I did. We talked about the entire issue, how it got out of hand, who's fault it was (both of ours) and in the end I'm off the hook. Sometimes when he lets me off the hook I feel let down, but tonight it's different. I am genuinely sorry for going off on him the way I did. We talked about it and it's all resolved. No hard feelings, no anger, no resentment. And I'm calm. I don't think a spanking would do anything to help this situation or even make it worse. I guess that's a part of DD I didn't think I'd see. Even though he'd totally be in his rights to punish for what I did he's not going to. Partly because he feels he's also to blame and partly because we talked it out and have come to a solution for the original problem. This whole letting control of that check book is getting harder on me. One of the things I ranted about was that I was taking it back from him. Tonight when we were talking I mentioned that I didn't really want it back and his response was. "Oh, you're not getting it back. I'm not giving it up...and that's the end of that," Sometimes even when things go wrong...they end up putting you in the right place!
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