Hum drum..

I am in a really crappy mood today. I can't justify it at all, I'm just in a bad mood.

I think I tried to do too many things today.. work, school, open house at 6yr olds school, cut lawn, do a load of laundry, write, bathe children. Because I cut the grass after work I didn't change in my skirt instead I opted to put on some jeans..and I have to admit I felt different. I didn't feel very girly, even though I was still wearing my jewelry and a really nice t-shirt, I just felt more empowered...but not in a good way, like in a take charge, get out of my way - way... but that has to be a very silly thing...for my clothing to ruin my mood?

No..I'm gonna say it's because I did too much today and haven't had a second alone with TJ today. That's what it is. I've been such a grouch today with him I'm sure he's upstairs in his tub grateful to be away from me.

I got a spanking the other night. Apparently TJ doesn't think my new sandals were a necessary purchase. You know...that was the first time I have been spanked for my spending money on something frivolous. I had also bought new panties recently and he noticed them while I was laying over his lap.

"These are nice panties....now you'll have to pay for them..." he said as he switched from using his hand to the wooden frat paddle. YUCK.

It wasn't horrible..well at the time it stung like the very hell from whence that damn thing came...but afterward, the sting went right away...I think he's out of practice...he's forgotten that a longer spanking leaves a longer impression...but I won't be reminding him.

She should be....

Some qualities a submissive should have (remember, these are just things in my head and really shouldn't be taken as anything other than frivolous thinking and not some hard line rule for anyone)

1. Have the want/need to be obedient. I remember when I was first starting to find my interest in all of this submission stuff, I wanted nothing more than for someone to make me obey them. Because, you see, if he made me than it wasn't my fault that I was being obedient. It would be okay to shed the feminist ideals and follow a man's lead, it would be his doing, not my own. Obviously, that isn't the way to go. When a woman offers her submission freely and with the true desire to be led and to be submissive to the man she loves, it makes for a much more fertile garden for their relationship to grow.

2. Be Open to suggestions/demands. She has to be open to learning new things. Not just sexually, he may want his shirts ironed a different way than she is used to doing. She needs to be able to accept that her way isn't the only way, and most likely won't be the right way if he says it's not.

3. Be strong. Some people misconstrue being submissive with being a doormat. A recently had a conversation with someone about me being submissive and she just kept shaking her head and saying "I just don't see you as being submissive," and I explained that my submission to TJ did not mean that I did know what I want or that I was not willing to ask or even demand for what I need. The submissive woman can not have the mindset that she is "less than" her Dom/Husband/Master/ Etc.. she is just as important, she is just as wonderful. Her needs have a place, too in the relationship and if they aren't met the relationship will end. (Just like in a vanilla relationship) So the submissive woman needs to be able to respectfully put her foot down and say "This is what I need out of this relationship..." and as long as it is done with respect I think any Top would be able to handle it. Being strong doesn't mean being overbearing and nagging, it means being able to express your needs and wants...and being a submissive also means understanding the difference between wants and needs.

4. Trustworthy. As with any relationship, there has to be trust and dependability. If he can't spank her for being naughty without worrying that she's gonna call the cops on him...the relationship is going to suffer. If she throws his dominance in his face when she gets a little upset with him and makes idle threats of leaving or turning him in for "abuse" than there will definitely be issues and the relationship will go no where and real quick.



Here's a mistake I made the other day that TJ brought my attention to, I didn't really realize what I had been doing...

TJ and I had a little quibble kind of serious but fixable...anyway...in the middle of our chat he reached over and starting touching me. This usually means he's done with the conversation and wants to move on to make up time. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and he said "So?"

"You can't just use me!" I blurted out...a small attempt at playing hard to get.
"Don't do that. You can't say that. Cos then when I do try to, I feel guilty and you get upset if I never do,"

He got me there. Even though I wasn't really meaning it, I was just teasing him a bit, because I wanted to be conquered at the moment...it sends messy signals. So..I apologized and well.... he got his. WEG

He needs to be..

The Dominant, HOH, Top, Master or whatever name you have chosen for the head honcho in the relationship, needs to have a few qualities...

1. Dependable. He can't go around making idle promises or threats. If he says he's going to do something he has to do it. Even (almost especially) the trivial things. She needs to know that he's taking care of her even in the non sexual, non spanking ways. If she has to constantly worry about "did he pay the water bill?" "Did he take the trash out, it's pick up day" "Did he remember to get the kids from school today..." etc... how can she relinquish control? Now, this is not to say that he can't be human...everyone forgets trash day now and then...and who hasn't forgotten to mail a bill once in a while...but the majority of the time..if he said he's gonna do it...he better do it.

2. Sturdy. He can't be wishy washy. If he has a preference..state it and stand by it. Don't piddle around the bush... "Uh..I dunno...maybe...well...what do you think?" NO. If he likes his woman shaved, just say it. If he wants her to call before she leaves work so that he knows to expect her home, tell her!

3. Unmoved but reasonable. When his lady is out of line he needs to be unmoved by her "excuses", while being reasonable in his expectations.

4. Trustworthy. This is an absolute MUST for any relationship, as far as I'm concerned, but even more so when DD or D/s or M/s is involved. If you don't trust the man holding the paddle, step away and rethink the situation. This also goes hand in hand with #1. If you can't depend on him, trusting him is a very hard thing to do. There is so much more to D/s than sex and if he can't take care of things for normal day to day things, how can you trust him with your being, your heart and your soul?

These are just things that have been floating around my head today. I might think up a list of qualities she should have...

It's what you crave

Yesterday, I posted about wanting a spanking or at least I fantasized a bit about it. Today, while I was walking this morning I put more thought to it.

I crave to feel his dominance. That is really what I want, and when he is spanking me I can feel it, it's tangible at that moment. It's unmistakable during that time who is the dominant person and who is not, no reason to believe that I'm in control what so ever.

I've done my best to simply focus on my submission, to obey, to serve, to follow rules (Even rules he really doesn't give a hoot about) and it's going okay. He's thrilled to his toes and I am happy on some level, too. But, as I was walking this morning and planning my day in my head..it occurred to me that by focusing only on me...am I in more control now than before?

He dictates nothing. I'm following my own routine, my own rules (along with the few he has set) and go along submitting to him in my way. He's had really no participation in this...and that's what I had set out to do, with the hope that he will jump in the boat with me at some point. I'm not complaining...or at least that isn't really my intention...and I do not plan on deviating from this behavior. But I'm craving his dominance as much as one craves chocolate. I need to feel it, to touch it, to hear it, to see it. Some sign that he truly is the one in control around here and it isn't just me "playing the submissive".

I am feeling frustrated and lonely today, but it will pass, it always does.

In need of a cold shower

I recently commented on a post by Poppy that I don't think I liked gg spankings.. actaully...let me find my response...one sec while I dig...ok, got it... here it is

"I used to crave good girl spankings, at times I still think I would like one. However, whenever TJ has obliged me.... I never came out of it all warm and fuzzy, I usually came out sulking and a bit bitter. Perhaps because I wasn't looking for a spanking but more of a fondling of sorts. Hmm...now I have to re-think this whole thing."

And I still stand by this response, but it's been so damn long since I've gotten a spanking I'm wondering if maybe I should give it another go. I surely don't want a punishment, although I feel loved and cared for afterwards, there's always the dark cloud hanging over the whole thing. I don't even want the pain of a spanking...

I think what I am craving today, and have have been for several days, is a reminder of who and what we are to each other. The intimacy of it, the feel of his knees beneath my belly as I lay over his lap on the couch and he begins to gently rub his hand over my bottom. The soft caress he may give me, the tracing of my bum with his fingertips, and the warm slaps of the flat of his hand against the bare skin of my backside. The warmth that spreads evenly and eventually turns into a heat that is near to unbearable, but not entirely so.

The small breaks he takes to remind me that he's in charge and that I am his wife and will obey his will and law. The loving strokes he gives while he explains that when I am naughty, he will correct my behavior and that he will not tolerate any attitude from me. He reminds me of the rules and maybe even adds one or two, something new he wants to add to our marriage to this dynamic of ours.

When it's over my skin is red and glowing and he can barely stand the wait until we get up the stairs to our bedroom and he can feel the heat of my bottom against him as he...... yes...it's been far too long!

Small changes

Asking TJ his opinion about things has always been something that I did, it was listening to his opinion that I have had trouble doing! I would ask him which shirt he thought was best, he'd answer and sometimes I'd listen and sometimes I'd over rule him.

No more!

Now when I ask him his opinion, his opinion becomes law...at least to me. I am in dire need of new shoes to match all the nice skirts I have obtained lately. TJ didn't feel like going to the store with me, as we had already spent several hours running errands with the kids, so I browsed online first before I headed out. I showed him several pair of shoes I thought were cute and he said no to about 3/4s of them. One pair he said he didn't care for were really cute and I kinda was hoping he'd like them..but...I closed the window anyway. Having in my head the three pairs he and I agreed on I went to the store to try them on. They looked wonderful but the store didn't have the colors I wanted so I ended up not getting anything.

This morning, I came down to the kitchen already dressed for the day and I asked him if the skirt looked ok..it's a bit old and I wanted to make sure it wasn't faded. He said he liked the outfit and said "You do need new shoes."

To everyone else, this may be nothing. So he made a comment about my shoes, so what? He had an opinion and he expressed it without me prodding him for it.

Yesterday as I was making dinner, I had on my apron (just like he likes) and he said "Oh! We should have picked you up a new apron while we were out this morning," (cos my apron is 11 yrs old, yellow with red hot peppers all over it...it was a wedding gift...) When I went out for shoe shopping I also browsed for aprons... I found not a single apron at the two stores I went to, so back to the web and have found a very pretty apron that I am hoping to purchase.

TJ looked at me this morning and shook his head smiling at me. When I asked him what he was laughing about he said "It took 30 years, but you are finally a girl!" and I just grinned back at him.

"Would you like to slip into my sweat pants and your old flannel shirts?" and he shook his head no, then pinched my bottom...saying something about easy access and skirts.

Which brings me to the best advantage of wearing a skirt/dress, to some I was simply sitting on TJ's lap in the living room...the truth...well.... *GRIN*

Seriously...I need to take a seminar on titles!

This past week has been a busy week...as are most weeks around here. TJ has been playfully swatting me for days. This morning he swatted my bottom so hard it took a few seconds for me to catch my breath from the shock of it. (He was awfully proud of himself!)

He started playing around with the a wooden dowel rod that he found in the bedroom behind the door and was eyeing me with it.

"You are really aching to spank my bottom!" I accused him.

"Yes! It's been a while and I'm not used to it," he swooshed the thing through the air a few times for effect and put it away. Thankfully! I am not sure what it was doing up in our room and I have plans to go back up there and hide it..or throw it away.

I'm half tempted just to screw up a little so that he can get the spanking out of his system. I've mentioned that he can give a spanking just to give a spanking but he doesn't seem to keen on that idea. But if something doesn't happen soon, his playful swats are going to be leaving quite a bruise!

In all seriousness, I'm glad that I haven't earned a spanking in a while. I've been mostly very relaxed these past few weeks. I'm starting to see that when I back off, he steps up. I have to trust more and take more risks. I've always thought that I was vulnerable with TJ...but not as vulnerable as I should be. He's going to mess up, and I'm going to mess up but to continue guarding myself from his screw ups only keeps me in control of things that I don't want to be in control of.

One little thing at a time.