I am way behind in reading my blogs, writing any blog entries and barely got out my FFF entry.
I'm not even sure what to write about today... No spankings, nothing of real interest to report. Well, there has been one slight development but it would fall under the TMI category for the time being, so I'll keep it to myself for now.
Since there's nothing of interest to report as of now...why dont' you head over to my writing blog and check out my FFF entry. Or head over to Spanky's site and read through all the FFF entries!
Happy Friday I am praying for a spanking this weekend. I have asked for one and he said yes....the "when' is up to him...so who knows!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
It's monday!! UP UP UP!!!
This morning the alarm went off, waking me from a very comfortable slumber. I shut it off and tried to remember what day it was. Once I realized it was Monday I nudged TJ and woke him up.
"It's Monday. You have to get up," He growled and rolled over. I nudged him again. "You have to get up!" and he moaned again, opened his eyes to look at the clock, I figured my job was done and closed my eyes again. I did not go back to sleep; I can't go back to sleep until he's out of bed so I laid there only half dozing. I looked at the clock again and nudged him harder. "It's almost seven! Get up!" and he growled a bit more. I kept nudging him until he finally got out of bed. At this point he was going to be late for work.
I got up, showered, got the baby along with the girls, and finished dressing and making the bed. We all went downstairs. TJ said to me "You need to make sure I'm up. Wake me up nicely but make sure I'm up. I overslept."
I looked at him and balked. "No! You are a grown man! The alarm goes off, I wake you up so that the alarm doesn't wake the kids, but you are a grown man! Get up when I wake you! I'm not gonna keep myself awake to keep nudging you.. Fine! I'll just shove your ass out of bed, that should wake you up,"
He walked away saying that he would just get second alarm clock.
After he was done showering I went into our bedroom and apologized for talking to him that way. I was being cranky and shouldn't have snapped at him. He said it was fine, I had just gotten up and he wasn't mad.
"Don't you get up to shower anyway?" he asked.
"Well, I try to sleep as long as I can," I admitted. "But that never works cos you wont' get up, and I worry that you'll be late for work," I complained. "If you want me to get up at 6 then tell me to get up at 6," I said before my brain could stop my mouth. He looked at me thougthfully for a second.
"Yes, that's a good idea. You get up at 6 now. That way the morning won't be hectic for you, too. As long as the kids sleep that is. You can get up, get me up, shower and get the morning stuff done without so much hurry," Damn him for listening to me!
So now..not only to do I have an actual bedtime I also have a set time to get up in the morning. It's not that bad...he has it set so I'm getting 8 hrs of rest, and i know he's right about the bedtime. Left up to me, I stay up til midnight and then am a complete monster in the morning.
I'm happy with this... just adjusting to it, I suppose. I wonder how I shall wake him up tomorrow...he did stress "NICELY" several times...think he doesn't trust me? LOL It will be hard, he is harder to wake than the dead most of the time.
And..for all of you dirty minded folks out there...That way won't work! WEG
"It's Monday. You have to get up," He growled and rolled over. I nudged him again. "You have to get up!" and he moaned again, opened his eyes to look at the clock, I figured my job was done and closed my eyes again. I did not go back to sleep; I can't go back to sleep until he's out of bed so I laid there only half dozing. I looked at the clock again and nudged him harder. "It's almost seven! Get up!" and he growled a bit more. I kept nudging him until he finally got out of bed. At this point he was going to be late for work.
I got up, showered, got the baby along with the girls, and finished dressing and making the bed. We all went downstairs. TJ said to me "You need to make sure I'm up. Wake me up nicely but make sure I'm up. I overslept."
I looked at him and balked. "No! You are a grown man! The alarm goes off, I wake you up so that the alarm doesn't wake the kids, but you are a grown man! Get up when I wake you! I'm not gonna keep myself awake to keep nudging you.. Fine! I'll just shove your ass out of bed, that should wake you up,"
He walked away saying that he would just get second alarm clock.
After he was done showering I went into our bedroom and apologized for talking to him that way. I was being cranky and shouldn't have snapped at him. He said it was fine, I had just gotten up and he wasn't mad.
"Don't you get up to shower anyway?" he asked.
"Well, I try to sleep as long as I can," I admitted. "But that never works cos you wont' get up, and I worry that you'll be late for work," I complained. "If you want me to get up at 6 then tell me to get up at 6," I said before my brain could stop my mouth. He looked at me thougthfully for a second.
"Yes, that's a good idea. You get up at 6 now. That way the morning won't be hectic for you, too. As long as the kids sleep that is. You can get up, get me up, shower and get the morning stuff done without so much hurry," Damn him for listening to me!
So now..not only to do I have an actual bedtime I also have a set time to get up in the morning. It's not that bad...he has it set so I'm getting 8 hrs of rest, and i know he's right about the bedtime. Left up to me, I stay up til midnight and then am a complete monster in the morning.
I'm happy with this... just adjusting to it, I suppose. I wonder how I shall wake him up tomorrow...he did stress "NICELY" several times...think he doesn't trust me? LOL It will be hard, he is harder to wake than the dead most of the time.
And..for all of you dirty minded folks out there...That way won't work! WEG
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Want To Vs. Have To
A few nights ago TJ and I were watching TV together late at night. TJ finally told me a few things he had been thinking about; a few changes he wanted to make.
1.) I am to learn how to mend clothes. - I hate mending, as far as I'm concerned if there's a hole, toss it.
2.) I am to be ready (teeth brushed and pj's on) for bed by 10 pm without complaint.
3.) he wants me to make his lunch for work every day.
#3 has been taken back and isn't really a rule now. Let me explain. When he told me about that I reminded him that we had tried that at one point and it didn't work out. I, also, pointed out that I'm already busy in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and the baby doesn't make it easy in the morning. He didn't really see those things as a good reason not to expect me to make his lunch. I can easily get the lunches (his and the 5 yr olds) ready the night before. As for what worked before or didn't work before...not relevant. This is now, he said.
We talked about it some more and I said. "I like making your lunch for you, and I do try to get it done," to which he agreed but said that he was wanting me to make it a priority. I then went on to explain. "I like doing it because it makes you happy, and I want to make you happy. But if you make it a 'have to', I'm afraid that it will just be one more thing on my to-do list and I'll become overwhelmed."
As it is I am the cooker, cleaner, close washer, homework helper (he does this too, just not as much), family accountant...along with my very part-time job and trying to get my writing off the ground, as well as getting my papers in order to go back to college. I'm afraid that taking on his personal things like that might make me feel resentful towards him.
I don't want to give the impression that he's a lazy bum and does nothing. That's not the case.
After our discussion about the additional rules, (I did mention to him I thought the bedtime sucked...which made him laugh but not change his mind) he decided to take away the lunch rule. He explained that it was something he'd like but that he understood what I meant.
He, also, said that he will never make a rule or dictate something that makes me feel 'less than'. That if a rule was making me feel bad (not "uncomfortable"...because "uncomfortable" could only mean I'm trying something new) or was making me feel unappreciated or unloved that he would revoke that rule without a problem. He doesn't want to 'hurt' me...at least emotionally...some of the things he's wanting to do to me physically are definitely going to hurt. WEG
I love to do the things for him that make him happy and feel loved but when it becomes a rule, it sort of takes away from the joy of it. Maybe I should do it because he says I have to, maybe I should be feeling good because he's given me a dictate (and isn't that what I wanted?) but that's not the case. In the end he said to forget it as a rule and we would just see how it goes.
The kicker is: I try really hard to make his lunch normally anyway. However, as soon as he said it was a rule... I didn't want to anymore. The thought "I don't have enough things I have to do in the morning or to get ready for the next day...now I have one more!?" popped in my head and I felt a slight surge of resentment/anger.
Does this make me less submissive or less then what I want to be? I dunno. I don't think it makes me less submissive to him of that I'm almost positive. Maybe a different kind of submissive then I had thought I was...
1.) I am to learn how to mend clothes. - I hate mending, as far as I'm concerned if there's a hole, toss it.
2.) I am to be ready (teeth brushed and pj's on) for bed by 10 pm without complaint.
3.) he wants me to make his lunch for work every day.
#3 has been taken back and isn't really a rule now. Let me explain. When he told me about that I reminded him that we had tried that at one point and it didn't work out. I, also, pointed out that I'm already busy in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and the baby doesn't make it easy in the morning. He didn't really see those things as a good reason not to expect me to make his lunch. I can easily get the lunches (his and the 5 yr olds) ready the night before. As for what worked before or didn't work before...not relevant. This is now, he said.
We talked about it some more and I said. "I like making your lunch for you, and I do try to get it done," to which he agreed but said that he was wanting me to make it a priority. I then went on to explain. "I like doing it because it makes you happy, and I want to make you happy. But if you make it a 'have to', I'm afraid that it will just be one more thing on my to-do list and I'll become overwhelmed."
As it is I am the cooker, cleaner, close washer, homework helper (he does this too, just not as much), family accountant...along with my very part-time job and trying to get my writing off the ground, as well as getting my papers in order to go back to college. I'm afraid that taking on his personal things like that might make me feel resentful towards him.
I don't want to give the impression that he's a lazy bum and does nothing. That's not the case.
After our discussion about the additional rules, (I did mention to him I thought the bedtime sucked...which made him laugh but not change his mind) he decided to take away the lunch rule. He explained that it was something he'd like but that he understood what I meant.
He, also, said that he will never make a rule or dictate something that makes me feel 'less than'. That if a rule was making me feel bad (not "uncomfortable"...because "uncomfortable" could only mean I'm trying something new) or was making me feel unappreciated or unloved that he would revoke that rule without a problem. He doesn't want to 'hurt' me...at least emotionally...some of the things he's wanting to do to me physically are definitely going to hurt. WEG
I love to do the things for him that make him happy and feel loved but when it becomes a rule, it sort of takes away from the joy of it. Maybe I should do it because he says I have to, maybe I should be feeling good because he's given me a dictate (and isn't that what I wanted?) but that's not the case. In the end he said to forget it as a rule and we would just see how it goes.
The kicker is: I try really hard to make his lunch normally anyway. However, as soon as he said it was a rule... I didn't want to anymore. The thought "I don't have enough things I have to do in the morning or to get ready for the next day...now I have one more!?" popped in my head and I felt a slight surge of resentment/anger.
Does this make me less submissive or less then what I want to be? I dunno. I don't think it makes me less submissive to him of that I'm almost positive. Maybe a different kind of submissive then I had thought I was...
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Energy conservation!
Being stressed out takes an enormous amount of energy!
So, I'm unloading it all onto you,unsuspecting readers.
1. Too many parents have volunteered to help with the party I'm organizing for my 5 yr old's class.
2. One parent decided to "write in" what she wants to donate to the party on the donation sheet I sent home. Apparently my request for cupcakes (which too many ppl said yes to, as well) was not to her liking..so she wrote in another line for "halloween cookies" and checked it off.
3. I haven't written anything new all week and that is driving me nuts.
4. My mother has decided that instead of us taking her and my dad out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary, they will just be coming over to my house... so now I have to cook.
5. I haven't had a spanking IN WHAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER!!!!!!!
I think #5 is really the bugger of them all! The party stuff...I'll figure that out...I'll have to disappoint a few parents who want to attend, I'll have to tell cookie lady thanks but no thanks to the damn cookies (cupcakes are enough for any 5 yr old to stuff down their face after lunch..they'll be winning candy all afternoon from the games on top of it)
Then there is this thing..this un-named thing hanging over me. We've decided that the whole "Blech" thing was hormone related and now things are back on track...sort of. Yesterday, I mentioned to TJ (in my journal...cos I still have trouble verbalizing some of all this to him) that I think I needed a way to get into my "groove" after I get home from work. (which is only 1-2 times a week). I also mentioned the word "Rituals" of sorts...
As he tucked me in last night he told me that he had been thinking the same thing lately and had a few ideas. What are those ideas? Good question. As soon as I get the answer I just might pass it along... maybe not.....I find myself a little more gun-shy when it comes to talking about this area.
I'm not ashamed of it...it's just totally new waters for me. This isn't just spanking anymore. The road has turned and I have absolutely no idea where it's going and my biggest fear is the unknown...if it's unknown, how can I control it?
See, stress takes up too much damn energy. I'm going to have a piece of homemade (by me, thank you very much!) apple pie and then I'm going to write something kinky for flash fiction friday, that you will find on my writing blog tomorrow.
So, I'm unloading it all onto you,unsuspecting readers.
1. Too many parents have volunteered to help with the party I'm organizing for my 5 yr old's class.
2. One parent decided to "write in" what she wants to donate to the party on the donation sheet I sent home. Apparently my request for cupcakes (which too many ppl said yes to, as well) was not to her liking..so she wrote in another line for "halloween cookies" and checked it off.
3. I haven't written anything new all week and that is driving me nuts.
4. My mother has decided that instead of us taking her and my dad out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary, they will just be coming over to my house... so now I have to cook.
5. I haven't had a spanking IN WHAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER!!!!!!!
I think #5 is really the bugger of them all! The party stuff...I'll figure that out...I'll have to disappoint a few parents who want to attend, I'll have to tell cookie lady thanks but no thanks to the damn cookies (cupcakes are enough for any 5 yr old to stuff down their face after lunch..they'll be winning candy all afternoon from the games on top of it)
Then there is this thing..this un-named thing hanging over me. We've decided that the whole "Blech" thing was hormone related and now things are back on track...sort of. Yesterday, I mentioned to TJ (in my journal...cos I still have trouble verbalizing some of all this to him) that I think I needed a way to get into my "groove" after I get home from work. (which is only 1-2 times a week). I also mentioned the word "Rituals" of sorts...
As he tucked me in last night he told me that he had been thinking the same thing lately and had a few ideas. What are those ideas? Good question. As soon as I get the answer I just might pass it along... maybe not.....I find myself a little more gun-shy when it comes to talking about this area.
I'm not ashamed of it...it's just totally new waters for me. This isn't just spanking anymore. The road has turned and I have absolutely no idea where it's going and my biggest fear is the unknown...if it's unknown, how can I control it?
See, stress takes up too much damn energy. I'm going to have a piece of homemade (by me, thank you very much!) apple pie and then I'm going to write something kinky for flash fiction friday, that you will find on my writing blog tomorrow.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
It's fate! part 2
Lately,I have been brushing up on my grammar. (Not that you will see the benefit of my work here ...I'm not in grammar mode right now lol)
Anyway...I was on a site, grammar-monster, that has lessons, tests, examples and such. Well, I turned to the section on colons today and what do I behold???
Need I say more?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
On empty...literally!
I don't know why I can't simply be content when I'm content!
I mean really! Things were moving along splendidly. We have been happy..well except for the whole Blech issue, which is slowly moving away. I've been following the rules without even much effort. We've had some fun and he's even given me a little treat this week because of how happy I've been making him and visa versa.
So what do I do? I muck it up!
I don't know why but I have such a horrid time keeping gas in the van at the level in which he requires it. I just kept saying to myself "Stop tomorrow. The girls are in the car and you have get out cos you're using cash...ugh..just go tomorrow" Well, tomorrow finally came...... today when the gas light went on...with TJ in the van with me.
The light popped on and I started to laugh, cos it was a little funny since I had just reminded myself to go to the gas station...tomorrow. "We need to stop for gas," I smiled at him and he looked over at the console and made a face. I can't even really describe the face...not angry, but not amused... more annoyed I suppose.
So I laughed all the way to gas station while he kept an eye on the gas gauge. "I can get all the way to work on that light! Stop worrying!" I said to him, which did not improve his glare. We were literally 1.5 miles from the gas station, we were going to be just fine.
I pulled into the station, aimed for the pump I wanted, and took my foot off the gas and coasted to the pump exclaiming "OH NO...I don't know if we are gonna make it!" (Insert laughter)
He pulled my hair! Yes...the man actually pulled on my ponytail. Not only that, he then said: "You are pumping!" Because it was raining. I just laughed more. I made a few more smart ass comments about gas pumping. (They were really funny comments, too. TJ even laughed at them)
I went in, paid for the gas and went back to pump it. He came out of the car and offered to finish cos he was going crazy with the kids in the van. (Who were having a 'who can scream the loudest' contest..yes all 3 of them...nice that the girls included the baby)
We had a short chat. Nothing serious, he mentioned that he was looking forward to coming home tonight. Something about it not mattering if I was asleep, he'd just wake me up. The last thing he said before I left him to finish was that he would "Grab the paddle you don't like and go to town on your ass!" which I'm sure the guy at the next pump heard. I just laughed and hopped in the car.
Yes, it was all funny..at the time. Before he left for his evening out he kissed me and looked into my eyes and said "I can't wait to get home!" and slapped my bottom, told me to be good and headed out.
Ok...so maybe I was pushing for a spanking cos I haven't had one in a while. I really dont' want a punishment, though. I know the gas thing is big to him, not to me at all, but to him it is.
Since it's a big issue for him...shouldn't it be a big issue for me? His wants and his rules should be a priority to me. Not just when I want them to be.
Like if he made a rule that I was totally in agreement with I could be on board 100%. I want to be on board with the rule even if I think it's stupid but it's a big thing to him.
I want him to be proud of me again, I want to hear how happy he is with me again. All kidding aside... I want to hear that "good girl" again. (Have I ever mentioned how weak in the knees I get when he says that?) I want to submit to even the dumb things, not just the things I think are important...isn't that the point of being submissive...or at least some part of it?
I think my funk is ending and I just finding a new groove or something. I dont' really know.... He's not going to be home for another 2 hrs or so. I have an urge to watch "Secretary"...so I shall.
...maybe he'll come home and have forgotten. Will that be a good thing or bad?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Blech!
That's how I've been feeling lately.
I struggle sometimes between what I want to say and what I should say. As if there is a line I've drawn somewhere about what I want talk about on this blog and where my relationship with TJ is and I feel as though I'm teetering on the that line.
As if something I say might shock someone to the point that they never return. Or that someone who has found my blog by looking into domestic discipline might be turned off because I'm 'too extreme' or something. Obviously, I do not tell ALL on here mostly because some things aren't for public consumption when it comes to my marriage. However, lately I feel as though I'm censoring myself for the sake of others.
When I think rationally I think: This is my blog, I started it to help give me an outlet for just throwing out the ideas that were banging around in my head. I need to simply stay true to myself and post whatever feelings I have rattling around my head.
For example: Last night TJ was tucking me into bed and expressing his concerns about me lately. I had told him yesterday morning that I was losing the 'submissiveness urge' and it was getting me down. He's concerned because he doesn't like to see me unhappy.
It's not that I'm not happy. It's just that where a few weeks ago I was happier then a pig in mud sitting on the floor beside his computer chair rubbing his feet (Something I used to growl about doing for him) while we chatted about the day, now I find myself growling again about doing it.
He said last night when I groaned as he laid next to me in the living room and put his feet on my lap, "You'll do it because you love to make your husband happy," he reminded me. I just rolled my eyes and removed his socks. He was right, of course, and doing that simply act did make me feel better a little bit.
Then when I asked him why he wasn't naked in bed with me, when he was done telling me how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy his answer was "Because I decide when I come to bed with you," I moaned a bit but the butterflies did flutter a bit in my tummy. Then, just to tease me, he slid his hand under the blanket and tormented me.
"I hate that you can do that to me," I complained when he stopped two seconds into the torture and my heart was racing, my mind spinning, and every ounce of my body yearning for him just by a subtle touch and well worded whisper.
"I love it!" he smiled and kissed me.
Ok...this posted started off on one road and landed somewhere else... that pretty much sums up my brain lately. BLECH!
I struggle sometimes between what I want to say and what I should say. As if there is a line I've drawn somewhere about what I want talk about on this blog and where my relationship with TJ is and I feel as though I'm teetering on the that line.
As if something I say might shock someone to the point that they never return. Or that someone who has found my blog by looking into domestic discipline might be turned off because I'm 'too extreme' or something. Obviously, I do not tell ALL on here mostly because some things aren't for public consumption when it comes to my marriage. However, lately I feel as though I'm censoring myself for the sake of others.
When I think rationally I think: This is my blog, I started it to help give me an outlet for just throwing out the ideas that were banging around in my head. I need to simply stay true to myself and post whatever feelings I have rattling around my head.
For example: Last night TJ was tucking me into bed and expressing his concerns about me lately. I had told him yesterday morning that I was losing the 'submissiveness urge' and it was getting me down. He's concerned because he doesn't like to see me unhappy.
It's not that I'm not happy. It's just that where a few weeks ago I was happier then a pig in mud sitting on the floor beside his computer chair rubbing his feet (Something I used to growl about doing for him) while we chatted about the day, now I find myself growling again about doing it.
He said last night when I groaned as he laid next to me in the living room and put his feet on my lap, "You'll do it because you love to make your husband happy," he reminded me. I just rolled my eyes and removed his socks. He was right, of course, and doing that simply act did make me feel better a little bit.
Then when I asked him why he wasn't naked in bed with me, when he was done telling me how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy his answer was "Because I decide when I come to bed with you," I moaned a bit but the butterflies did flutter a bit in my tummy. Then, just to tease me, he slid his hand under the blanket and tormented me.
"I hate that you can do that to me," I complained when he stopped two seconds into the torture and my heart was racing, my mind spinning, and every ounce of my body yearning for him just by a subtle touch and well worded whisper.
"I love it!" he smiled and kissed me.
Ok...this posted started off on one road and landed somewhere else... that pretty much sums up my brain lately. BLECH!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)