I never posted what happened during our camping weekend! Well...let's rectify that!
The bad.
1) Our camp spot was on an incline which gave me vertigo and made sleeping and relaxing a bit difficult until TJ and I were able to find a way to make the airmatress level enough to keep the motion feeling at a minimum.
2) The only real flushing toilets were a bit of a walk away from us so I had to deal with pit toilets (which are vile).
3) I got my period a few days early and exactly one day into our trip.
4) I got myself into a bit of trouble right before we left. Apparently TJ ran out of gas driving home from dropping our dog off at the inlaws for our trip the night before we left...and somehow it was my fault cos I didn't have the quarter tank of gas in the van like I'm supposed to. (But I still maintain that it's not my fault that he didn't look at the tank before he got on the express way......i'm just sayin)
The good.
1) TJ let us play in the main dungeon this year and we both have come to love the St. Andrews cross.
2) TJ realized he doesn't have enough toys and wants to expand his toy bag to include a flogger (which I agree with) but he also still insists on a cane.
3) We went to a caning demonstration and TJ learned a few things that make me feel a bit more comfortable letting him try one on me.
4) There was a human food tray at the D/s formal that we attended one evening and I was able to lick and suck a woman's breast for the first time. I have been wanting to do that for a long time and I have to say I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would.
5) There were miles and miles of trails in the woods surrounding the camp ground that TJ and I took advantage of. We love to hike so that was relaxing and fun.... and being bent over a tree trunk and being used....that was absolutely wonderful.
6) Although the punishment for the gas thing sucked....if it hadn't been a punishment it woulda been pretty awesome. TJ walked me into the woods, tied my hands over my head to a tree limb, he pulled down my pants and whipped me until he was sure I was contrite. On the way back to camp we were all snuggles and I asked him if I could finally have an orgasm since the punishment was over. He thought I meant right that moment and granted my request. He found another tree for me lean against and told me to go ahead. I slid my hand into my jeans and began to play while he lifted my shirt and began to play with my breasts. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he twisted, pulled, and licked my nipples. When finally gave me permission, he covered my mouth to muffle my scream of pleasure as the immense wave crashed into me and the intensity of his stare, the pressure of his fingers over my mouth, and the heat in my nipple all pushed me over the edge. After it was all finished I was shaking and tears filled my eyes which I think completely confused him but he held me until I was able to straighten myself up and walk back to camp on my own.
7) TJ did more breast play with me than he ever has before and it was absolutely awesome.
I'm still hopeful that at some point our marriage will head down the road I want it to but for now I will be happy just to have him in my life and willing to spend weekends like that with me.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I did it!
I went and had my first ever bikini wax!
TJ and I are heading off to our camping get away this weekend (twisted tryst) and I asked TJ if I could could waxed because shaving leaves me all red and bumpy which doesn't make for sexy time. He agreed...even after he found out how much it was going to cost, but did add "But this isn't going to be a monthly thing!" (Which I think he will rethink once he gets a good look at it.)
Anyhoo... I made the appt and went over knowing it was going to be uncomfortable and I was fully prepared to be horrified at the whole "stranger looking at me down there" thing.
I was shocked! I was completely at ease. No big deal what so ever to have this woman poking, prodding, spreading, waxing, ripping. (Ok it hurt...i'm not going to lie.. in some spots it hurt like hell) But overall...not the worst experience I've had.
The position I loved the most (insert cute eye roll) was when she went to do the "back". Face down, Ass UP..."ok, now pull that cheek away a bit, that's right," OMG I wanted to laugh at the way I must have looked but the kicker was that little sucking in sound of air and I just sighed to myself.
"Don't worry about that, air goes in, it comes out...happens to everyone during this part," to which I said "Well, good...cos it's not like there's much of a choice in this position."
After all of this....the woman is kind enough to leave alone to put my pants back on. I just found that to be hilarious!
I was doing laundry a few minutes ago and TJ came into the room and told me to bend over, which I did. He lifted my skirt and took a look..then told me to turn around and lift my skirt so he could see the front...which again I did. He looked and then grinned real wide "That must have hurt like hell!" he laughed and went to take his shower.
I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for camp and haven't done a single thing. I'm hoping to have a lot of good stories to tell when we get back. Camp is the one place where I know I'm with people like me, people who understand me, who don't judge me and don't reject me. I can't wait...and the sex should be good too!
Measha
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Same ole...
Lately I've been battling the same battle of I want more and he doesn't seem to be able to do more and I started to really think about the whole dynamic. Yes, I crave it. I try to stuff it down deep inside and hide from it and am pretty successful for a few months but then it creeps up on me like heartburn after a bad piece of pizza. It burns and screams until I have no choice but to address it.
And when I address it, things get ugly around here. I slip into a self made pool of misery and just shut him out completely. Sure that he won't accept me, positive that he will reject me. Afterall, I must be positively sick in the head to want what I want. To be owned and possessed in the way that I want. No self respecting woman in 2011 would want this, right?!
Of course I'm wrong! I know it in my head but then a huge dark cloud of self doubt forms over my head and engulfs me.
I want desperately to surrender to it, this craving of submission. I want to give in and let it take over me but there is a huge road block. Me. Some idiotic voice screams at me "You can not let him tell you what to do!" "Why are you letting spank you!?! You are an adult woman!" This is the voice that wins over when I smirk at him and am flippant about an order he's given.
How can I ever expect him to dominate when I seem unable to submit? I still get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that should I submit to him fully, he would be repulsed by me, the weak pathetic woman kneeling at his feet.
So my defenses go up. My heart hardens and I refuse, I try to force him to force me into submission- and who the hell wants that!?
I want him to show me that it's ok to be submissive. I want to know that/feel that even at my most submissive moment he will love me and want me. I need that security, that he's not judging me, that he's not thinking how pathetic I am. I need to know that I'm not making a fool of myself.
I want desperately to explore this side of myself, if I could simply stop being so damn afraid he'll find me severely lacking and walk out the door. What if I were to give over completely and he simply rejected me??
Doesn't he see that for me to be unowned is to feel unloved? That I am trapped all alone in this without him to help guide me? Yes, I've explained it and he says he gets it...but none the less I retreat into my shell and try to cure myself of this.
I can't talk with him about it anymore, it's too embarrassing. I feel humiliated and exhausted after trying to talk with him. He always soothes me, says he loves me no matter what, and swears we will find the right balance... which is my signal to retreat.
He doesn't seem to notice the retreat or maybe he's glad for it....
And when I address it, things get ugly around here. I slip into a self made pool of misery and just shut him out completely. Sure that he won't accept me, positive that he will reject me. Afterall, I must be positively sick in the head to want what I want. To be owned and possessed in the way that I want. No self respecting woman in 2011 would want this, right?!
Of course I'm wrong! I know it in my head but then a huge dark cloud of self doubt forms over my head and engulfs me.
I want desperately to surrender to it, this craving of submission. I want to give in and let it take over me but there is a huge road block. Me. Some idiotic voice screams at me "You can not let him tell you what to do!" "Why are you letting spank you!?! You are an adult woman!" This is the voice that wins over when I smirk at him and am flippant about an order he's given.
How can I ever expect him to dominate when I seem unable to submit? I still get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that should I submit to him fully, he would be repulsed by me, the weak pathetic woman kneeling at his feet.
So my defenses go up. My heart hardens and I refuse, I try to force him to force me into submission- and who the hell wants that!?
I want him to show me that it's ok to be submissive. I want to know that/feel that even at my most submissive moment he will love me and want me. I need that security, that he's not judging me, that he's not thinking how pathetic I am. I need to know that I'm not making a fool of myself.
I want desperately to explore this side of myself, if I could simply stop being so damn afraid he'll find me severely lacking and walk out the door. What if I were to give over completely and he simply rejected me??
Doesn't he see that for me to be unowned is to feel unloved? That I am trapped all alone in this without him to help guide me? Yes, I've explained it and he says he gets it...but none the less I retreat into my shell and try to cure myself of this.
I can't talk with him about it anymore, it's too embarrassing. I feel humiliated and exhausted after trying to talk with him. He always soothes me, says he loves me no matter what, and swears we will find the right balance... which is my signal to retreat.
He doesn't seem to notice the retreat or maybe he's glad for it....
Monday, June 27, 2011
To Be...or not to be?
I have discovered something of myself. I am still afraid that it's not OK to feel this submissive feeling. I know... I know... in my head I know it's ok... but something inside keeps poisoning that thought.
Sometimes I worry that if TJ ever saw how submissive I'd like to be...how dirty I can be, how slutty I could be (for him) he would be completely freaked out and turned off by me. That he would think me a freak of nature and reject me entirely.
So I pull back, I fight this submissive side of me. Obey him?! HA! I am woman hear me roar! BLECH...
I just want to feel safe in my submission. I wanna feel that he doesn't think less of me because I submit to his will. I think that maybe he has the same worry...maybe he doesn't grab the bull by the horns because he's afraid he won't like me if he does. Maybe he doesn't understand that because I chose to be submissive to him doesn't mean that I can't continue to debate politics with him...
I just wanna be me.
Sometimes I worry that if TJ ever saw how submissive I'd like to be...how dirty I can be, how slutty I could be (for him) he would be completely freaked out and turned off by me. That he would think me a freak of nature and reject me entirely.
So I pull back, I fight this submissive side of me. Obey him?! HA! I am woman hear me roar! BLECH...
I just want to feel safe in my submission. I wanna feel that he doesn't think less of me because I submit to his will. I think that maybe he has the same worry...maybe he doesn't grab the bull by the horns because he's afraid he won't like me if he does. Maybe he doesn't understand that because I chose to be submissive to him doesn't mean that I can't continue to debate politics with him...
I just wanna be me.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Losing myself?
Things are slow as usual around here...and a horrible thing seems to be happening. I'm losing myself. I still want a DD relationship even a D/s one...but it seems that since I've had to really accept it may never really happen my submissive side has shut down. And I miss her!
I want it back, I want the craving, the vulnerability, the feeling of being taken care of, of taking care of him. I want it all back. The little butterflies in my stomach as I remove my clothing for bed...because he required me to sleep nude. The feeling of being held by him (yes, I'm stealing from a movie with that line...but it fits so well) while obeying a dictate or simply doing a task the way he wants it done instead of the way I'd want it done.
Yes, I could go back to all the rules he's made in the past and just start obeying them again and not care that he doesn't care....but I can't. To do that made me feel as though I was playing a game that no one else was playing with me. It didn't feel real in any sense, simply a role play. Do I need the threat of a punishment to make me behave properly...no, not really...but that I'm allowed to lose control and just left out there in limbo... I miss the accountability.
I dont' feel right like this... this vanilla woman who is back to pretending that the random slaps on the ass are unwanted, for fear that he will see how much I really crave him.
I find myself becoming a bitch again. Snappish and petty. He just gives threatening looks that only make me angry and I make another snappy comment...which usually results in "Well, someone's a crabby ass today..." and he laughs and gives me a big hug.
For a little while I thought I was "cured" of my little bdsm fetish. Maybe I didn't need it...maybe it was linked to a bruised self esteem that has been healed. But....vanilla sex bores me silly, and I end up fantasizing to get through it. When he says anything that sounds remotely like an order or a reprimand my spine tingles and my tummy flutters.
i am lost. i am completely lost......
I want it back, I want the craving, the vulnerability, the feeling of being taken care of, of taking care of him. I want it all back. The little butterflies in my stomach as I remove my clothing for bed...because he required me to sleep nude. The feeling of being held by him (yes, I'm stealing from a movie with that line...but it fits so well) while obeying a dictate or simply doing a task the way he wants it done instead of the way I'd want it done.
Yes, I could go back to all the rules he's made in the past and just start obeying them again and not care that he doesn't care....but I can't. To do that made me feel as though I was playing a game that no one else was playing with me. It didn't feel real in any sense, simply a role play. Do I need the threat of a punishment to make me behave properly...no, not really...but that I'm allowed to lose control and just left out there in limbo... I miss the accountability.
I dont' feel right like this... this vanilla woman who is back to pretending that the random slaps on the ass are unwanted, for fear that he will see how much I really crave him.
I find myself becoming a bitch again. Snappish and petty. He just gives threatening looks that only make me angry and I make another snappy comment...which usually results in "Well, someone's a crabby ass today..." and he laughs and gives me a big hug.
For a little while I thought I was "cured" of my little bdsm fetish. Maybe I didn't need it...maybe it was linked to a bruised self esteem that has been healed. But....vanilla sex bores me silly, and I end up fantasizing to get through it. When he says anything that sounds remotely like an order or a reprimand my spine tingles and my tummy flutters.
i am lost. i am completely lost......
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Careful what you ask for.
I have no idea what's going on!
Is it good or bad??
Is it real or not?
Will it stay? Who knows but it's been going ok lately.
TJ has started to treat me a bit more like a submissive than before. He requires breakfast in the mornings, he has taken control of my orgasms (Which is not as fun as I had once thought it would be!), and just a few little things here and there.
I don't know if I'm liking it or not. I dont' mind making his breakfast every morning, and the sex is great. I'm not thrilled that he won't let me have my "alone time" every night like I used to...but I'm dealing with it.
I feel as though something is missing but I can't quite put my finger on it. We haven't really had any play time...maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for it to end again... I dunno.
Is it good or bad??
Is it real or not?
Will it stay? Who knows but it's been going ok lately.
TJ has started to treat me a bit more like a submissive than before. He requires breakfast in the mornings, he has taken control of my orgasms (Which is not as fun as I had once thought it would be!), and just a few little things here and there.
I don't know if I'm liking it or not. I dont' mind making his breakfast every morning, and the sex is great. I'm not thrilled that he won't let me have my "alone time" every night like I used to...but I'm dealing with it.
I feel as though something is missing but I can't quite put my finger on it. We haven't really had any play time...maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for it to end again... I dunno.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Update
Not really much to update....
Lately, TJ has been showing more interest in the D/s world and I have been waiting for something...i don't know what really. I just sit and watch him. I don't want to have any expectations or hopes because I don't want them dashed or crushed if things don't go the way I want them. So...I'm trying the whole submission thing by actually submitting. I'm not being walked over or anything like that. I do express my opinions and such but I'm not demanding this from him as much as I used to.
I think I'm trying to let him find his comfort zone, letting him actually lead us. Some days that means we don't talk about BDSM or D/s at all and some days it does. I have made a request of him and he has granted it....if it happens I will post about it.
I love him...that is the same...I love him and am very lucky to have him. So if it takes him another 10 yrs to get comfortable...i'll wait. At the end of the day, he's the guy I want to lay in bed laughing with, he's the guy I want to snuggle on the couch with watching a stupid movie, or debate politics in the kitchen while making dinner for our children. And one day, hopefully he will be the guy who lets me lay at his feet....
Lately, TJ has been showing more interest in the D/s world and I have been waiting for something...i don't know what really. I just sit and watch him. I don't want to have any expectations or hopes because I don't want them dashed or crushed if things don't go the way I want them. So...I'm trying the whole submission thing by actually submitting. I'm not being walked over or anything like that. I do express my opinions and such but I'm not demanding this from him as much as I used to.
I think I'm trying to let him find his comfort zone, letting him actually lead us. Some days that means we don't talk about BDSM or D/s at all and some days it does. I have made a request of him and he has granted it....if it happens I will post about it.
I love him...that is the same...I love him and am very lucky to have him. So if it takes him another 10 yrs to get comfortable...i'll wait. At the end of the day, he's the guy I want to lay in bed laughing with, he's the guy I want to snuggle on the couch with watching a stupid movie, or debate politics in the kitchen while making dinner for our children. And one day, hopefully he will be the guy who lets me lay at his feet....
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sometimes it goes badly...
TJ decided that I was to get a spanking last night for a transgression that I am not proud of. Nothing completely horrible, but still not my best moment. He wasn't really mad...well I guess he was...but he was "disappointed" in me (which is worse, by the way). I actually did everything I could think of to get out of the spanking because I knew that he really meant business and I really didn't want it to happen. Nothing worked, but he did smile a lot and say how adorable I look when I'm ashamed of myself. Apparently, I do a lot of blushing.
When it came time to "pay the piper" I did sincerely explain my fears to him. It's been a long time since he spanked for anything and I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to stand it. I was afraid that all my wiggling and squirming would only make him angrier. He assured me that I would do fine and that he would be patient.
He prepared the house by locking the door and starting the dishwasher "To drown out your screams" (he was chuckling when he said that-always the kidder!) He went into his room to search out his "Friend" and came out with a dowel rod. I shook my head and tried to walk away.
"I just said that I dont' think I can stand a regular spanking, and you bring out that thing?!" He walked over to me and hugged me.
"Have some faith in your husband," he whispered and led me over to the laundry room door. "Hands on the door," he directed me, and I did as he told me.
He starting out with his lecture and they why's and what's as usual, the entire time swishing that damn thing in air behind me. He reached over and yanked my pants down to my ankles and folded my shirt up so it was out of his way.
I stood there feeling that stupid wooden demon tapping against my bottom and my thighs as he talked and all I could think about was how much it was going to hurt. The immense sting it would create, the hopping around I would do, the aggravation I was going to cause. The longer this went on the more scared I got, the deeper my breathing became, and the faster the tears came and before I knew it, I was crying. He hadn't even given me a single stroke of the rod yet and I was crying. I'll be completely honest that the tears had nothing to do with remorse.
I was of course sorry for what I had done, but the tears were simply fear and more fear.
TJ quickly put his hand on my back and said "Oh, baby don't cry," which really opened te flood gates.
"I'm just so scared of that thing," I blubbered. "I won't be able to stand it, and you'll be mad," He turned me around and hugged me tightly.
"Please don't cry. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't want to hurt you---well, not like this anyway." and he hugged me while I tried to get control of myself again. When I was feeling a bit better he walked away to put the rod away and I started crying again.
"I fucked it all up!" I wiped my eyes. "This is the first time in like forever that you were going to spank me and I fucked it all up!" He laughed a little and hugged me again. He did give me a little bit of a lecture on what I did and then he told me to get up to bed.
When he climbed in bed, about an hour later, he told me he loved me. I apologized for making a muck of the whole thing and he held me tighter. He assured me there would be other times and that I didn't screw anything up.
I felt like a complete idiot! I'm not getting any punihsment for what I did because he felt bad for scaring me like that, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It was the first real offense I've committed...the one time that I think I really deserved a serious punishment and I'm getting off because I was scared.
Blech!!! Damned either way!
On the up side: the spanking was his idea.
When it came time to "pay the piper" I did sincerely explain my fears to him. It's been a long time since he spanked for anything and I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to stand it. I was afraid that all my wiggling and squirming would only make him angrier. He assured me that I would do fine and that he would be patient.
He prepared the house by locking the door and starting the dishwasher "To drown out your screams" (he was chuckling when he said that-always the kidder!) He went into his room to search out his "Friend" and came out with a dowel rod. I shook my head and tried to walk away.
"I just said that I dont' think I can stand a regular spanking, and you bring out that thing?!" He walked over to me and hugged me.
"Have some faith in your husband," he whispered and led me over to the laundry room door. "Hands on the door," he directed me, and I did as he told me.
He starting out with his lecture and they why's and what's as usual, the entire time swishing that damn thing in air behind me. He reached over and yanked my pants down to my ankles and folded my shirt up so it was out of his way.
I stood there feeling that stupid wooden demon tapping against my bottom and my thighs as he talked and all I could think about was how much it was going to hurt. The immense sting it would create, the hopping around I would do, the aggravation I was going to cause. The longer this went on the more scared I got, the deeper my breathing became, and the faster the tears came and before I knew it, I was crying. He hadn't even given me a single stroke of the rod yet and I was crying. I'll be completely honest that the tears had nothing to do with remorse.
I was of course sorry for what I had done, but the tears were simply fear and more fear.
TJ quickly put his hand on my back and said "Oh, baby don't cry," which really opened te flood gates.
"I'm just so scared of that thing," I blubbered. "I won't be able to stand it, and you'll be mad," He turned me around and hugged me tightly.
"Please don't cry. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't want to hurt you---well, not like this anyway." and he hugged me while I tried to get control of myself again. When I was feeling a bit better he walked away to put the rod away and I started crying again.
"I fucked it all up!" I wiped my eyes. "This is the first time in like forever that you were going to spank me and I fucked it all up!" He laughed a little and hugged me again. He did give me a little bit of a lecture on what I did and then he told me to get up to bed.
When he climbed in bed, about an hour later, he told me he loved me. I apologized for making a muck of the whole thing and he held me tighter. He assured me there would be other times and that I didn't screw anything up.
I felt like a complete idiot! I'm not getting any punihsment for what I did because he felt bad for scaring me like that, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It was the first real offense I've committed...the one time that I think I really deserved a serious punishment and I'm getting off because I was scared.
Blech!!! Damned either way!
On the up side: the spanking was his idea.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Once and again
I'm not sure what happened.
I made my decision. I wasn't going put up with it anymore, I was going to do what needed to be done so that I could move forward. I was going to ask TJ for a separation. I was all set to do it, I was only waiting until after the new year. I knew exactly what I was going to say, knew what I wanted from him, and was ready to go.
The night came that I had planned to have the talk with him, the kids were in bed sleeping, the house was cleaned up from all the holiday crap and it was just the two of us. I opened my mouth to start the conversation and nothing. Not a peep came out. I shut my mouth and tried again, nothing. He was starting to look at me strangely.
"What?" he asked me when I made a third attempt. "You ok?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my forehead. I sighed. We watched a movie instead.
I don't' know why I didn't say what I was thinking, other than I didn't really want him to move out anymore.
The following night I told him all of this and he stared at me blankly.
"You didn't want to have the talk or you didn't want the separation?" he asked.
"I think I didn't want the separation any more."
"Well, as long as your sure. Are we separating?" he asked pointedly.
"I don't think so."
"I dont' understand. Nothings changed -" And the light bulb illuminated. "Oh." he said flatly.
"Exactly," I smiled.
Is everything fine and dandy? Nope, far from it. The problems are still there...he has still made little effort to resolve the issues...but he has made some. I can't say what happened, why I changed my mind, or why my heart warmed towards him again... but it did.
During the same conversation, TJ mentioned that I was to get a spanking for letting the gas tank empty that day (the light went on with all the kids in the car and he was worried we wouldn't get to a gas station in time) I said "We agreed not to do that anymore..remember?"
"Uh, no. You said we weren't doing it anymore. I said that after the holidays were over we'd be getting right back into it."
"After what I just said, you're gonna spank me?"
"Are we separating?"
"No."
"Then yes. I'm going to spank you."
And he did. It was weird. My head wasn't really into it. It hurt a lot since it's been a few months since my last spanking. It seemed a little silly. I didn't argue though, I went with it.
I have no idea what's going to happen next. It's like my life is a chapter book...did I choose the right path? We'll see.
I made my decision. I wasn't going put up with it anymore, I was going to do what needed to be done so that I could move forward. I was going to ask TJ for a separation. I was all set to do it, I was only waiting until after the new year. I knew exactly what I was going to say, knew what I wanted from him, and was ready to go.
The night came that I had planned to have the talk with him, the kids were in bed sleeping, the house was cleaned up from all the holiday crap and it was just the two of us. I opened my mouth to start the conversation and nothing. Not a peep came out. I shut my mouth and tried again, nothing. He was starting to look at me strangely.
"What?" he asked me when I made a third attempt. "You ok?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my forehead. I sighed. We watched a movie instead.
I don't' know why I didn't say what I was thinking, other than I didn't really want him to move out anymore.
The following night I told him all of this and he stared at me blankly.
"You didn't want to have the talk or you didn't want the separation?" he asked.
"I think I didn't want the separation any more."
"Well, as long as your sure. Are we separating?" he asked pointedly.
"I don't think so."
"I dont' understand. Nothings changed -" And the light bulb illuminated. "Oh." he said flatly.
"Exactly," I smiled.
Is everything fine and dandy? Nope, far from it. The problems are still there...he has still made little effort to resolve the issues...but he has made some. I can't say what happened, why I changed my mind, or why my heart warmed towards him again... but it did.
During the same conversation, TJ mentioned that I was to get a spanking for letting the gas tank empty that day (the light went on with all the kids in the car and he was worried we wouldn't get to a gas station in time) I said "We agreed not to do that anymore..remember?"
"Uh, no. You said we weren't doing it anymore. I said that after the holidays were over we'd be getting right back into it."
"After what I just said, you're gonna spank me?"
"Are we separating?"
"No."
"Then yes. I'm going to spank you."
And he did. It was weird. My head wasn't really into it. It hurt a lot since it's been a few months since my last spanking. It seemed a little silly. I didn't argue though, I went with it.
I have no idea what's going to happen next. It's like my life is a chapter book...did I choose the right path? We'll see.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The Return.
I have stayed away from my blog for too long. I would like to say it's because of how busy I was with school and work, but that's not entirely the truth. The truth of the matter is that I have been hiding. I thought if I just hid from my blog and others like it, there might still be hope of a return for me. I thought that if I just pushed all of this out of my head it would go away. The urge to belong to someone (really belong) would diminish. The dark fantasies would fade away into the shadows in which I hid myself.
I was also afraid. I was afraid to admit anywhere outside of my own head that things were bad. Fear of boring my readers with yet another downfall of the never ending roller coaster that seems to be my life. I felt that I was beginning to sound like a broken record "Things are bad...Things are good...things are bad...etc" or worse yet- I'd come off as wining.
Although I still fear doing those things and do wish I could flip a switch to make me different, I'm here.
Things are a horrible mess. I would like to say it's just because of the D/s but it's way messier than that. TJ has always had trouble with procrastination., He's the reason stores are open on Christmas eve. "The way to Christmas shop is in a panicked frenzy!" he loves to say as he dashes from store to store. This is how he deals with everything: oil changes, tire fill ups, calling the cell phone company about a bill, getting the driveway guy the blue prints for the job we paid him to do, etc.
Things that I should be able to depend on him to handle -he can't or won't. We've lost the deposit on the driveway (that is badly needed) because he wouldn't let the guy handle getting the permit from the village and insisted on doing it himself- which he never got around to doing. We've had to pay fines to the village because of the driveway not being done, not to mention all the monies gone to late fees and bounced checks because he doesn't seem to have time to balance his checkbook and won't allow me to do any of it. The more I try to depend on him, to stay out of his way, to let him lead, the more often I fall right on my face.
I could do it all myself...and have in the past, which leaves me feeling alone. The way I feel right now is that I'm lonely, and very much alone. i don't have anyone to help me with the day to day stuff, the living together stuff, the couple stuff and I don't have anyone to live a D/s relationship with but I'm not free to pursue anything that will result in finding someone to share those things with.
The inability to rely on him has resulted in a complete breakdown of trust in him. He promises to do something-then doesn't- over and over and over again...I don't trust him. I can't depend on him and it's left me feeling "platonic" towards him. Sex is even more rare than ever and it's mostly because I'm not even trying anymore..and when he tries I'm very far from being in the mood.
The idea of having sex or doing anything sexual with him in the "submissive" mind frame actually irritates me now. I can not have sex with him simply because he wants it like I used to. It used to turn me on having him wake me up for sex, now I'm just annoyed. The other night he was having his way with me (I was too tired to argue or say no) and I just kept thinking "Hurry up! Would you just finish!" ....it was horrible.
The thought of him spanking me is laughable at this point. I would no sooner allow him to do such a thing than I would some stranger on the street.
Everything I want, the rules, the structure, the security is not going to happen with him. He can not even take care of himself let alone me... there is absolutely no trust. The foundation of our relationship is completely broken. The D/s is dead and buried and the vanilla relationship sucks- at best. I don't want a vanilla relationship...I just don't. I have needs and wants and he can't fulfill them. Nor can I fulfill his vanilla wants and needs.
We are in a horrible place and the longer it goes on the further away I move from him. He knows it, and sees it and we've talked and talked and talked. I've made it damn clear on what needs to happen and he says "it will take time...give me time" but it has been months since we started these talks. We separated our checking accounts over a month ago, along with it the bills. He has not paid a single bill. Not one.
I'm not sure how much longer our marriage is going to last. He tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day, he calls me to tell me, he texts me... he doesn't get it. Love isn't the problem. Well, maybe in some way it is. I don't feel love like a vanilla woman does.
So there it is. I'm miserable, he's miserable. It's all screwed up so badly I don't see much hope that things will improve. I've tried everything I can try, I can not make him do what he wont' do. I can't make him grow up. But I can't allow him to drag me down much more. I deserve to be happy, to have the relationship I want, to have someone who is loving and supportive and reliable. He deserves those things, too.
I was also afraid. I was afraid to admit anywhere outside of my own head that things were bad. Fear of boring my readers with yet another downfall of the never ending roller coaster that seems to be my life. I felt that I was beginning to sound like a broken record "Things are bad...Things are good...things are bad...etc" or worse yet- I'd come off as wining.
Although I still fear doing those things and do wish I could flip a switch to make me different, I'm here.
Things are a horrible mess. I would like to say it's just because of the D/s but it's way messier than that. TJ has always had trouble with procrastination., He's the reason stores are open on Christmas eve. "The way to Christmas shop is in a panicked frenzy!" he loves to say as he dashes from store to store. This is how he deals with everything: oil changes, tire fill ups, calling the cell phone company about a bill, getting the driveway guy the blue prints for the job we paid him to do, etc.
Things that I should be able to depend on him to handle -he can't or won't. We've lost the deposit on the driveway (that is badly needed) because he wouldn't let the guy handle getting the permit from the village and insisted on doing it himself- which he never got around to doing. We've had to pay fines to the village because of the driveway not being done, not to mention all the monies gone to late fees and bounced checks because he doesn't seem to have time to balance his checkbook and won't allow me to do any of it. The more I try to depend on him, to stay out of his way, to let him lead, the more often I fall right on my face.
I could do it all myself...and have in the past, which leaves me feeling alone. The way I feel right now is that I'm lonely, and very much alone. i don't have anyone to help me with the day to day stuff, the living together stuff, the couple stuff and I don't have anyone to live a D/s relationship with but I'm not free to pursue anything that will result in finding someone to share those things with.
The inability to rely on him has resulted in a complete breakdown of trust in him. He promises to do something-then doesn't- over and over and over again...I don't trust him. I can't depend on him and it's left me feeling "platonic" towards him. Sex is even more rare than ever and it's mostly because I'm not even trying anymore..and when he tries I'm very far from being in the mood.
The idea of having sex or doing anything sexual with him in the "submissive" mind frame actually irritates me now. I can not have sex with him simply because he wants it like I used to. It used to turn me on having him wake me up for sex, now I'm just annoyed. The other night he was having his way with me (I was too tired to argue or say no) and I just kept thinking "Hurry up! Would you just finish!" ....it was horrible.
The thought of him spanking me is laughable at this point. I would no sooner allow him to do such a thing than I would some stranger on the street.
Everything I want, the rules, the structure, the security is not going to happen with him. He can not even take care of himself let alone me... there is absolutely no trust. The foundation of our relationship is completely broken. The D/s is dead and buried and the vanilla relationship sucks- at best. I don't want a vanilla relationship...I just don't. I have needs and wants and he can't fulfill them. Nor can I fulfill his vanilla wants and needs.
We are in a horrible place and the longer it goes on the further away I move from him. He knows it, and sees it and we've talked and talked and talked. I've made it damn clear on what needs to happen and he says "it will take time...give me time" but it has been months since we started these talks. We separated our checking accounts over a month ago, along with it the bills. He has not paid a single bill. Not one.
I'm not sure how much longer our marriage is going to last. He tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day, he calls me to tell me, he texts me... he doesn't get it. Love isn't the problem. Well, maybe in some way it is. I don't feel love like a vanilla woman does.
So there it is. I'm miserable, he's miserable. It's all screwed up so badly I don't see much hope that things will improve. I've tried everything I can try, I can not make him do what he wont' do. I can't make him grow up. But I can't allow him to drag me down much more. I deserve to be happy, to have the relationship I want, to have someone who is loving and supportive and reliable. He deserves those things, too.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Still kickin
I have not posted in quite a while and that's not because everything has gone down the crapper. Well, not entirely anyway. I have been very busy with my two night classes and working more than I would like, so blogging hasn't really been an option.
Unfortunately, this also means I haven't had much time to be with TJ. Our typical night is me walking in around 8:30 or 9, after the kids are already in bed, and collapsing onto the couch. An hour of snuggle on the couch to watch tv and off to bed.
The rules have all crumbled. I forget once or twice to follow a rule and then it just dies away. Tj feels it's not fair to punish me when I'm so busy and he doesn't really fault me and I figure he doesn't care about it, so it just dies off. I'm not happy about it, and really miss the dynamic we had going, but I know it's because of the way our life is right now and there is a chance it will get better.
I also know that we could be living the dynamic we wanted right now if we would both try harder and put more effort into it, but it's just not happening right now.
I realized this morning that I haven't laid out TJ's clothes for him in weeks, and last night I was bratting him pretty badly. I didn't get a rise out of him, but I knew what I was doing and it made me angry at myself. I am just hoping that the next 8 weeks go quickly and I wont' be away from the house as much and I will be able to put much more effort into our relationship and to the family as a whole. TJ has become quite the Mr. Mom these past weeks and I feel a bit left out.
Anyway, just wanted to say i'm not lost, things are on the back burner a bit but it's not dead.
Unfortunately, this also means I haven't had much time to be with TJ. Our typical night is me walking in around 8:30 or 9, after the kids are already in bed, and collapsing onto the couch. An hour of snuggle on the couch to watch tv and off to bed.
The rules have all crumbled. I forget once or twice to follow a rule and then it just dies away. Tj feels it's not fair to punish me when I'm so busy and he doesn't really fault me and I figure he doesn't care about it, so it just dies off. I'm not happy about it, and really miss the dynamic we had going, but I know it's because of the way our life is right now and there is a chance it will get better.
I also know that we could be living the dynamic we wanted right now if we would both try harder and put more effort into it, but it's just not happening right now.
I realized this morning that I haven't laid out TJ's clothes for him in weeks, and last night I was bratting him pretty badly. I didn't get a rise out of him, but I knew what I was doing and it made me angry at myself. I am just hoping that the next 8 weeks go quickly and I wont' be away from the house as much and I will be able to put much more effort into our relationship and to the family as a whole. TJ has become quite the Mr. Mom these past weeks and I feel a bit left out.
Anyway, just wanted to say i'm not lost, things are on the back burner a bit but it's not dead.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Implement: Back scratcher
Position: Standing against the wall
Offense: Attitude, breaking the water rule, not laying out His clothes as instructed.
"Turn around and put your hands on the wall."
Subject turns and places her palms on the cool paneling. the lecture begins as the light taps of the back scratcher are spread around her bottom. Subject feels a slight tingle in the middle of her back, she tries to ignore it, to focus on his voice. The gin tingle gets stronger and stronger until it is no ignorable and becomes a full blown itch. Subject realizes that the very thing she wants is being used on her bottom and for a split second thinks of asking Him if she could borrow the weapon for just a moment. That split second thought results in a bubble in her chest that she tries to contain, as he is giving a rather lengthy speech and she is sure she should be listening. The bubble moves upward and will not be ignored...helpless, the subject begins to giggle.
"Are you laughing!?" The giggle turns into a burst of laughter and the subject turns away from the wall and tries to explain herself. He does not look amused. She tries again to explain that it is absolutely hilarious that she has a horrible itch and he is using the scratcher to spank her with instead of scratch her with.
"Turn around" he instructs with only a slight hint of a smile on his firm lips. She turns around and waits for the next blow..."where does it itch?" he asks and she points out the spot as best as one can point out a spot on the middle of one's own back. She sighs with relief as she feels the scratcher putting out the annoying itch. She thanks him.
He continues the spanking......
Position: Standing against the wall
Offense: Attitude, breaking the water rule, not laying out His clothes as instructed.
"Turn around and put your hands on the wall."
Subject turns and places her palms on the cool paneling. the lecture begins as the light taps of the back scratcher are spread around her bottom. Subject feels a slight tingle in the middle of her back, she tries to ignore it, to focus on his voice. The gin tingle gets stronger and stronger until it is no ignorable and becomes a full blown itch. Subject realizes that the very thing she wants is being used on her bottom and for a split second thinks of asking Him if she could borrow the weapon for just a moment. That split second thought results in a bubble in her chest that she tries to contain, as he is giving a rather lengthy speech and she is sure she should be listening. The bubble moves upward and will not be ignored...helpless, the subject begins to giggle.
"Are you laughing!?" The giggle turns into a burst of laughter and the subject turns away from the wall and tries to explain herself. He does not look amused. She tries again to explain that it is absolutely hilarious that she has a horrible itch and he is using the scratcher to spank her with instead of scratch her with.
"Turn around" he instructs with only a slight hint of a smile on his firm lips. She turns around and waits for the next blow..."where does it itch?" he asks and she points out the spot as best as one can point out a spot on the middle of one's own back. She sighs with relief as she feels the scratcher putting out the annoying itch. She thanks him.
He continues the spanking......
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Our 24/7
One of the classes we attended at camp had to do with living the lifestyle 24/7. The most important thing i walked away with was that everyone has their own version of 24/7. I know that many of you have said the same thing but it stuck a little more this time. I think it sunk in more this time because I could see everyone right in front of me, there was no virtual wall or chat room, we were siting right next to each other talking about real life.
At first we mostly just listened to the other couples talking about finding time to play and how to distinguish between fantasy and reality. I finally spoke up and gave a little background of TJ and i going through the whole roller coaster ride and "it's here to day gone tomorrow" philosophy we seem to be following. Everyone was very supportive and there was another couple there with kids who really seemed to relate to us. The guys had some ideas for TJ and when I described our routine one of the girls said "That's your 24/7" and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I may not kneel and ask permission to get into bed every night, but TJ brings me to bed when he says it's time to go to bed, and he kisses me good night. There may be no "protocol" how i get dinner to the table, but I make his plate for him every time. We have our own little routines that seemed like nothing but now i realize they mean more.
We do have a 24/7 relationship that isn't entirely vanilla. It's not M/s...at least not in the terminology way. I don't call him Master or even Sir (unless the situation requires it) and i seriously doubt he will ever "collar" me, (although I really wish we could have some sort of symbol that maybe only the of two us understands) but we have a dynamic that works and still needs work.... a lot of work.
A few things we've added to our relationship..
-I lay out his clothes for him in the morning, and his pj's at night.
- I am no longer allowed to be intimate with myself without his permission.
- I may have as much water as I like but must ask for permission for anything else (except for coffee in the morning)
I'm starting to be more comfortable with our relationship, and i'm feeling a lot less envious of others...what I have is pretty good.
At first we mostly just listened to the other couples talking about finding time to play and how to distinguish between fantasy and reality. I finally spoke up and gave a little background of TJ and i going through the whole roller coaster ride and "it's here to day gone tomorrow" philosophy we seem to be following. Everyone was very supportive and there was another couple there with kids who really seemed to relate to us. The guys had some ideas for TJ and when I described our routine one of the girls said "That's your 24/7" and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I may not kneel and ask permission to get into bed every night, but TJ brings me to bed when he says it's time to go to bed, and he kisses me good night. There may be no "protocol" how i get dinner to the table, but I make his plate for him every time. We have our own little routines that seemed like nothing but now i realize they mean more.
We do have a 24/7 relationship that isn't entirely vanilla. It's not M/s...at least not in the terminology way. I don't call him Master or even Sir (unless the situation requires it) and i seriously doubt he will ever "collar" me, (although I really wish we could have some sort of symbol that maybe only the of two us understands) but we have a dynamic that works and still needs work.... a lot of work.
A few things we've added to our relationship..
-I lay out his clothes for him in the morning, and his pj's at night.
- I am no longer allowed to be intimate with myself without his permission.
- I may have as much water as I like but must ask for permission for anything else (except for coffee in the morning)
I'm starting to be more comfortable with our relationship, and i'm feeling a lot less envious of others...what I have is pretty good.
Monday, September 6, 2010
D/s formal
Saturday afternoon brought with it the excitement of a D/s formal that i had been looking forward to the entire weekend. TJ agreed that my corset was the best option for dress that evening and he helped me get dressed. He dug through his bag and asked if I had packed him a button down shirt or any polo shirts, my heart fell to my feet. I apologized a hundred times, I didn't think to pack him something special for the event. He assured it me it was fine and that he wouldn't be uncomfortable at all. Luckily there were just as many guys dressed down as there were dressed up at the event so that made me feel better.
Along with my black corset, I wore a black lace petticoat with black and pink lace panties underneath. The finishing touch was my collar and my hair. I had put my hair up due to the warmth that day but he said it had to come down, so I took it down and brushed it out. Then we were all ready. TJ hooked the leash through the loops of my right cuff and clipped it to my left cuff so that I was nicely chained up and could still swing my arms slightly unless he pulled on the chain and pinned my wrists together. The walk up to the dungeon was more fun than I had thought it would be.
The dungeon had been converted into a dining room for the event and it looked great. There were two long tables with appetizers displayed and on another table a naked girl was being used as a human fruit platter. The round dining tables were dressed in red table cloths and floggers were used very creatively to make the center pieces. The hosts - a Master and his slave- greeted everyone as they entered and said the only restriction was that no one use their mouth to remove fruit from the platter.
TJ and i found a table and he said i could use the kneeler that was next to his chair. I hadn't really been sure what to expect from him and it only slightly surprised me when he had told me to kneel at the table instead of sitting next to him. Shortly after we took our seats, another couple joined us who we had met before during the weekend. TJ took a few cues from him as i think he liked the way he and his slave(wife) interacted with each other. He sent me up to the table to get him a plate of "anything you think I'd like" as he put it. Since we pretty much like all the same things, it wasn't difficult. I also got him something to drink. Once I had his plate of delicious appetizers and a drink in front of him, he said i could go back up to the table and get myself something to drink. I tried not to let my frustration show that he kept waiting until I was back on the kneeler before sending me for the next thing, but his grin told me he could tell and he was amused by it.
I noticed that the Master sitting next to me was feeding his slave and was busy watching the room as TJ spoke with him. I turned back towards TJ and my lips crashed into a quiche that he was trying to give me. Once I realized what he was doing, I opened my mouth to take in the food and thanked him for it. I had thought to myself "the man is going to starve me, just to prove some point!" before he started giving me little bites. I had hoped he would let me get my own plate as the slave next to me had been allowed, but he was content with sharing his plate with me.
It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon and I didn't feel at all foolish kneeling beside TJ as he sat in his chair and carried on conversations. I joined in the conversations and only later did I think that maybe I wasn't supposed to have done that, but since TJ never told me to hush or give me some sort of signal to stay out of it I figured he didn't have a problem with it.
The host ,David, came over to our table and made a joke that TJ should get a kneeler for me at home for the dinner table. He had given a class the day before about M/s 24/7 that was really helpful to TJ and i, and joked back that if i could keep the kids from playing on it, that might work. It was such a great experience and David gave a wonderfully warm thank you to his slave for all the hard work she put into the evening. He gave her all the credit by saying that it was really her event and gave her several compliments on the food and decorations. It was just another example to me that M/s does not mean the Master isn't loving and sweet to his slave.
I can't get over how much fun the weekend was and I can not wait until next year!
Along with my black corset, I wore a black lace petticoat with black and pink lace panties underneath. The finishing touch was my collar and my hair. I had put my hair up due to the warmth that day but he said it had to come down, so I took it down and brushed it out. Then we were all ready. TJ hooked the leash through the loops of my right cuff and clipped it to my left cuff so that I was nicely chained up and could still swing my arms slightly unless he pulled on the chain and pinned my wrists together. The walk up to the dungeon was more fun than I had thought it would be.
The dungeon had been converted into a dining room for the event and it looked great. There were two long tables with appetizers displayed and on another table a naked girl was being used as a human fruit platter. The round dining tables were dressed in red table cloths and floggers were used very creatively to make the center pieces. The hosts - a Master and his slave- greeted everyone as they entered and said the only restriction was that no one use their mouth to remove fruit from the platter.
TJ and i found a table and he said i could use the kneeler that was next to his chair. I hadn't really been sure what to expect from him and it only slightly surprised me when he had told me to kneel at the table instead of sitting next to him. Shortly after we took our seats, another couple joined us who we had met before during the weekend. TJ took a few cues from him as i think he liked the way he and his slave(wife) interacted with each other. He sent me up to the table to get him a plate of "anything you think I'd like" as he put it. Since we pretty much like all the same things, it wasn't difficult. I also got him something to drink. Once I had his plate of delicious appetizers and a drink in front of him, he said i could go back up to the table and get myself something to drink. I tried not to let my frustration show that he kept waiting until I was back on the kneeler before sending me for the next thing, but his grin told me he could tell and he was amused by it.
I noticed that the Master sitting next to me was feeding his slave and was busy watching the room as TJ spoke with him. I turned back towards TJ and my lips crashed into a quiche that he was trying to give me. Once I realized what he was doing, I opened my mouth to take in the food and thanked him for it. I had thought to myself "the man is going to starve me, just to prove some point!" before he started giving me little bites. I had hoped he would let me get my own plate as the slave next to me had been allowed, but he was content with sharing his plate with me.
It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon and I didn't feel at all foolish kneeling beside TJ as he sat in his chair and carried on conversations. I joined in the conversations and only later did I think that maybe I wasn't supposed to have done that, but since TJ never told me to hush or give me some sort of signal to stay out of it I figured he didn't have a problem with it.
The host ,David, came over to our table and made a joke that TJ should get a kneeler for me at home for the dinner table. He had given a class the day before about M/s 24/7 that was really helpful to TJ and i, and joked back that if i could keep the kids from playing on it, that might work. It was such a great experience and David gave a wonderfully warm thank you to his slave for all the hard work she put into the evening. He gave her all the credit by saying that it was really her event and gave her several compliments on the food and decorations. It was just another example to me that M/s does not mean the Master isn't loving and sweet to his slave.
I can't get over how much fun the weekend was and I can not wait until next year!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Saturday...
Saturday at camp TJ and I did ALOT of relaxing during the day. There was one point during the afternoon (maybe this was on Friday...hmm...its all blending...) when he was napping on his cot (yes, cot...I get motion sickness on air mattresses and I don't do sleeping on the ground...) and I was digging around for something in one of our bags (topless...cos it was kinda hot in the tent with the sun beating down right on it) when I felt a slight pinch of my breast. I looked down and sure enough he had one eye slightly opened and a grin on his face. "Kneel down," he told me and I did as I was told (for once).
He had been playing with some clothes pins beofre he took his nap and still had them next to him on the cot. Slowly, he placed them on my breasts, only four in all- one on each side of my nipples. He looked so happy making me squirm and he was about to be much happier. We haven't really played much with clothes pins but the one thing I knew about them that he didn't was that putting them on wasn't as bad as getting them off. He took one off thinking to simply end our few minutes of fun and quickly realized that it was more fun to see my reaction to the instant burn that took over after the pin was released. He questioned me about my reaction, and I could almost see the light bulb light up over his head. Needless to say, the other three pins were removed much slower and with much more excitement on his part than the first.
Saturday night was my favorite night for a few reasons. One of which is that TJ tied me up to a St. Andrews cross in the woods and spanked me with our new leather paddle. It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. We were alone during the spanking, other than a few passerby's. Tj didn't let us play in the main dungeon but said that next year he'd prolly be more up for it.
I also enjoyed that TJ had me wear my new cuffs all day long and he walked me to and from the dungeon on a leash which he first ran through my cuffs, so my hands were bound to my collar (a play collar). I thought I'd have a hard time with people seeing me walk that way, especially since I was in heels and it was a gravel road that we were walking down, but no one really seemed to make notice. There were a few smiles of approval though when he would yank on the leash to tighten the slack on my wrists. It was really very exciting not at all embarrassing. It was the most open minded place I could ever imagine.
I also loved going down on TJ next to our campfire at our site. He loved it, I was still dressed in my corset and skirt, my collar was still one and my cuffs (which I slept in) were still on. After he was satisfied I asked if I could "entertain him" and he granted me permission. By that time our neighbors were back at their tent and had started their own fire, but it didn't bother me at all. TJ's eyes were locked on me and I simply was too excited to care about them. So not only did he get a show, they also got a nice audio of what was happening. I can be quite loud when allowed and since there was no reason to soften my climax I did not. (This reminds me that I didn't mention something about Thursday that I will go back to post about later...or maybe I'll write it up for my writing blog since I've been neglectful there)
My favorite part about the night was the D/s formal we attended that was given by a Master and his slave. It was absolutely wonderful and I will give all the details in my next post...it's late and i need sleep.
He had been playing with some clothes pins beofre he took his nap and still had them next to him on the cot. Slowly, he placed them on my breasts, only four in all- one on each side of my nipples. He looked so happy making me squirm and he was about to be much happier. We haven't really played much with clothes pins but the one thing I knew about them that he didn't was that putting them on wasn't as bad as getting them off. He took one off thinking to simply end our few minutes of fun and quickly realized that it was more fun to see my reaction to the instant burn that took over after the pin was released. He questioned me about my reaction, and I could almost see the light bulb light up over his head. Needless to say, the other three pins were removed much slower and with much more excitement on his part than the first.
Saturday night was my favorite night for a few reasons. One of which is that TJ tied me up to a St. Andrews cross in the woods and spanked me with our new leather paddle. It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. We were alone during the spanking, other than a few passerby's. Tj didn't let us play in the main dungeon but said that next year he'd prolly be more up for it.
I also enjoyed that TJ had me wear my new cuffs all day long and he walked me to and from the dungeon on a leash which he first ran through my cuffs, so my hands were bound to my collar (a play collar). I thought I'd have a hard time with people seeing me walk that way, especially since I was in heels and it was a gravel road that we were walking down, but no one really seemed to make notice. There were a few smiles of approval though when he would yank on the leash to tighten the slack on my wrists. It was really very exciting not at all embarrassing. It was the most open minded place I could ever imagine.
I also loved going down on TJ next to our campfire at our site. He loved it, I was still dressed in my corset and skirt, my collar was still one and my cuffs (which I slept in) were still on. After he was satisfied I asked if I could "entertain him" and he granted me permission. By that time our neighbors were back at their tent and had started their own fire, but it didn't bother me at all. TJ's eyes were locked on me and I simply was too excited to care about them. So not only did he get a show, they also got a nice audio of what was happening. I can be quite loud when allowed and since there was no reason to soften my climax I did not. (This reminds me that I didn't mention something about Thursday that I will go back to post about later...or maybe I'll write it up for my writing blog since I've been neglectful there)
My favorite part about the night was the D/s formal we attended that was given by a Master and his slave. It was absolutely wonderful and I will give all the details in my next post...it's late and i need sleep.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Friday at camp
Friday night was the night TJ requested I wear my school girl outfit, which I did and it looked great. TJ made an awesome dinner by the campfire and then we headed up to the lodge for the evening festivities. There was a special ops theme that night where subs were caught, interrogated, and executed (paintball style). It was fun to watch and maybe next year i'll get to play more.
TJ was totally enthralled with the ropes again and watched every time someone was being suspended. He wanted to speak to the guy who did most of it, but he was unable to catch him when he wasn't busy. He did get to talk with a Dom who is very experienced and spent a lot of time with TJ showing him all of his "toys", the different floggers and such. TJ was very grateful and has said more than once that he needs to go to Home Depot for "supplies".
After being at the "dungeon" for a while TJ asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked around the lake, past our tent, and towards the outside showers where a chair caught my eye. I have tried to find a picture of it, but am having trouble finding one that is accurate, so I shall try to describe it. It was basically a padded chair that was suspended so that it swung just like a swing, and there were two padded leg extensions that when the person sitting on the chair their legs were spread open, and since the chair was tilted back a bit it was more comfortable to sit "properly" in it and not let your legs dangle.
I saw this chair and I gave TJ a wicked grin, walked over to it and hopped on. He laughed a little but was quick to join me. He stood between my legs and ran his hands up my thighs, flipping my skirt up and out of his way. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled something out of his pocket and before I could ask what it was I felt it. He had brought along his little leather pocket paddle and was going to use it on me. He spanked the insides of my thighs and around my pelvic bone, and then he went lower and he had some real fun. I was jumping a bit as he spanked me down there, and I didn't realize I could squeal in such a way! He loved it and was very good about stopping after a few strokes to pet me and just as i would start to relax he'd start up again.
He was delighting in my little yelps and gulps of air and wasn't bothered at all by the people walking by or that were only a few yards away by their campfire. I'm not sure how long we were in that chair but I do remember my thighs were sore until the next morning.
One thing TJ and realized during our camping trip was that we enjoy playtime more when it doesn't lead right into sex. I've read on other blogs that playing isn't really sex and I had always thought "then what's the point!".....well I was wrong! For us at least, playing was more enjoyable when we weren't expecting to stop and have sex at any second, it was more focused on the moment. It was more relaxing and enjoyable to play without sex...don't misunderstand...there was plenty of sex...but not during play or directly after. It was something new for us to learn about our relationship, which is why we went to camp!
TJ was totally enthralled with the ropes again and watched every time someone was being suspended. He wanted to speak to the guy who did most of it, but he was unable to catch him when he wasn't busy. He did get to talk with a Dom who is very experienced and spent a lot of time with TJ showing him all of his "toys", the different floggers and such. TJ was very grateful and has said more than once that he needs to go to Home Depot for "supplies".
After being at the "dungeon" for a while TJ asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked around the lake, past our tent, and towards the outside showers where a chair caught my eye. I have tried to find a picture of it, but am having trouble finding one that is accurate, so I shall try to describe it. It was basically a padded chair that was suspended so that it swung just like a swing, and there were two padded leg extensions that when the person sitting on the chair their legs were spread open, and since the chair was tilted back a bit it was more comfortable to sit "properly" in it and not let your legs dangle.
I saw this chair and I gave TJ a wicked grin, walked over to it and hopped on. He laughed a little but was quick to join me. He stood between my legs and ran his hands up my thighs, flipping my skirt up and out of his way. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled something out of his pocket and before I could ask what it was I felt it. He had brought along his little leather pocket paddle and was going to use it on me. He spanked the insides of my thighs and around my pelvic bone, and then he went lower and he had some real fun. I was jumping a bit as he spanked me down there, and I didn't realize I could squeal in such a way! He loved it and was very good about stopping after a few strokes to pet me and just as i would start to relax he'd start up again.
He was delighting in my little yelps and gulps of air and wasn't bothered at all by the people walking by or that were only a few yards away by their campfire. I'm not sure how long we were in that chair but I do remember my thighs were sore until the next morning.
One thing TJ and realized during our camping trip was that we enjoy playtime more when it doesn't lead right into sex. I've read on other blogs that playing isn't really sex and I had always thought "then what's the point!".....well I was wrong! For us at least, playing was more enjoyable when we weren't expecting to stop and have sex at any second, it was more focused on the moment. It was more relaxing and enjoyable to play without sex...don't misunderstand...there was plenty of sex...but not during play or directly after. It was something new for us to learn about our relationship, which is why we went to camp!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Camp Adventures
Those are the new toys TJ bought while we were away at our camping adventure with Twisted Tryst. It was a completely awesome weekend, I can not believe how wonderful it was. There is so much to say I'm not sure where to begin...so I'll start at the beginning and keep going until I get to the end...this could take a post or two.
On Thursday morning we left the house and drove up to the campsite. TJ, who normally stops for a break every other hour or so, made only two short stops (one of which was at my request) because he wanted to get there so badly. The campsite is an adult only site and as soon as I saw the sign or it my stomach began to ache with nerves.
What if I couldn't handle it? What if i freaked out? What if TJ hated it and said we had to leave and forget all about D/s in our marriage. We signed in and was led to our site where we (ok..mostly TJ but I did try to help) pitched the tent.
It was odd how quickly I became accustomed to all of the naked bodies that were walking around or sunbathing. Not to mention the sex that happened out in the open. The people were awesome. We got to see some really neat stuff, and a few things that did scare me a bit. Overall it could not have been a better weekend. We were able to relax and be ourselves and i was amazed at how much Tj took to it all.
We took a class that talked about M/s 24/7 and I think that really helped us sort out a few things. At the very least it opened a conversation for us. TJ hates labels (i already knew that though) but he has a really hard time thinking outside of "husband/wife" terminology. We talked a lot over the weekend and TJ was given a few ideas from some of the other Doms at camp.
Anyway, I'm jumping all over the place...lemme get back on track...ok... Thursday. Once we were all settled we took a walk around the campgrounds to get a feel for the place. The theme that night was "Pajamarama" so I put on my new black nightie and we headed up to the lounge for some pizza. We met another couple there who had been at camp a few times already and it turns out they come down to the city quite often for some events here. They were able to tell us a lot of groups and other "community" type things to do in our area (which seems weird since they live about 2 hrs away!)
We hung around for the bonfire and also stayed in the dungeon for a while to see how others play. TJ has fallen in love with rope and is going to learn some bondage....this was not my doing. I am not all that into rope bondage...cuff my hands..that's good for me...but he's all excited, which is excellent.
When we got back to our tent that evening Tj started a fire and we had a snack. I wasn't really sure what to expect so I expected nothing. However, Tj wasn't going to let the night go by without taking me...so into the tent I was dragged...ok...not really dragged...by then I was more than willing to do about anything. i cant say that it was the kinkiest sex we've had but it was AWESOME regardless. Turns out that knowing that other people could hear us was a huge turn on for me, and since TJ didn't shut me up when I was cumming and I could scream as loud as I wanted to it made it all the better.
There's lots more to tell, but I'm really sleepy and have to get to bed. There will be more...it was an awesome weekend!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Super Excited!!
Tomorrow is the day! We are going to pack the van, kiss the kids goodbye and head up north for three days of kinky fun in the sun.
I have purchased the outfits that TJ asked me to, one school girl outfit, one corset with petticoat, a skirt with tights and some cute night clothes. We are camping and the night gowns aren't warm but I'm sure he will keep me toasty.
There are a few events that I'm really looking forward to. There is a round table discussion about M/s 24 7 that is being led by a M/s couple, I'm really hoping that we will get some good feedback and that we will learn a lot. There is also a D/s "formal" which I think is like a dinner/dance type thing that I'm excited to go to. There will be a dungeon for playing, tons of "games" and other activities to keep us busy and enthralled all weekend and I can not wait to get there!
I intend to give a full report when we get back, hopefully I will have a lot of really neat stories to relay.
I haven't felt this giddy in a long time!
I have purchased the outfits that TJ asked me to, one school girl outfit, one corset with petticoat, a skirt with tights and some cute night clothes. We are camping and the night gowns aren't warm but I'm sure he will keep me toasty.
There are a few events that I'm really looking forward to. There is a round table discussion about M/s 24 7 that is being led by a M/s couple, I'm really hoping that we will get some good feedback and that we will learn a lot. There is also a D/s "formal" which I think is like a dinner/dance type thing that I'm excited to go to. There will be a dungeon for playing, tons of "games" and other activities to keep us busy and enthralled all weekend and I can not wait to get there!
I intend to give a full report when we get back, hopefully I will have a lot of really neat stories to relay.
I haven't felt this giddy in a long time!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
bonds of security
Last night TJ and I "played" while the kids were gone for the night. It wasn't anything elaborate...it was actually perfect. It started off with a sort of punishment for my teasing him all day long...I "say sort of" because it led into the rest of the fun activities so it couldn't have been a completely real punishment...
TJ used a whip on me that we've had since we were dating, I'm not sure exactly how to describe it so I found a picture that looks close to what it is... I suppose it's more of a flogger than a whip. Anyway, ours is purple and only has
a few knots at the ends with the rest of the soft braided material hanging loosely after it. He also used a small leather paddle that I do not like at all...cos it stings A LOT.
Before he started the spanking and the fun after that, he got me all ready. He put on my blindfold, secured my hands together in front of me, and chained my left foot to the bed post on the floor. Then he looped a rope through my cuffs and pulled me to lay across the bed, with my feet still on the floor and he tied that rope to the other bedpost on the floor so I was neatly draped over the bed.
The spanking that he gave me wasn't worse or lighter than any other spanking he's ever given me but I handled it so much better than ever before. At first I thought being tied down in such a fashion would scare me or make me freak out over the loss of control while he was spanking me...but it was the exact opposite reaction. I was able to concentrate on what he said, each stroke that he delivered, and how I was reacting to it all. It was as if because I could not escape him or his whip I could focus more. I felt more secure in the bonds of the rope than if I was just laying across the bed on my own accord.
I don't think he'll tie me down for every punishment, like I said I don't think he intended that to be any punishment really, I think he was just setting the scene. However, i did take it to be a punishment at the time and was crying pretty freely from the sting of the whip and because I had upset him...my tears did not dissuade him at all, which was unusual. When he asked me what was wrong I told him it hurt and he just said "oh, " and continued. Before we moved onto the fun stuff he did say he wasn't mad at me, because at that point I was worried he was still angry and he assured me he wasn't.
Then he told me that my mouth isn't for teasing, talking back or being mouthy....and he taught me what it was for......
TJ used a whip on me that we've had since we were dating, I'm not sure exactly how to describe it so I found a picture that looks close to what it is... I suppose it's more of a flogger than a whip. Anyway, ours is purple and only has
a few knots at the ends with the rest of the soft braided material hanging loosely after it. He also used a small leather paddle that I do not like at all...cos it stings A LOT.Before he started the spanking and the fun after that, he got me all ready. He put on my blindfold, secured my hands together in front of me, and chained my left foot to the bed post on the floor. Then he looped a rope through my cuffs and pulled me to lay across the bed, with my feet still on the floor and he tied that rope to the other bedpost on the floor so I was neatly draped over the bed.
The spanking that he gave me wasn't worse or lighter than any other spanking he's ever given me but I handled it so much better than ever before. At first I thought being tied down in such a fashion would scare me or make me freak out over the loss of control while he was spanking me...but it was the exact opposite reaction. I was able to concentrate on what he said, each stroke that he delivered, and how I was reacting to it all. It was as if because I could not escape him or his whip I could focus more. I felt more secure in the bonds of the rope than if I was just laying across the bed on my own accord.
I don't think he'll tie me down for every punishment, like I said I don't think he intended that to be any punishment really, I think he was just setting the scene. However, i did take it to be a punishment at the time and was crying pretty freely from the sting of the whip and because I had upset him...my tears did not dissuade him at all, which was unusual. When he asked me what was wrong I told him it hurt and he just said "oh, " and continued. Before we moved onto the fun stuff he did say he wasn't mad at me, because at that point I was worried he was still angry and he assured me he wasn't.
Then he told me that my mouth isn't for teasing, talking back or being mouthy....and he taught me what it was for......
Monday, August 2, 2010
It was his idea
A vacation that TJ and I had been planning for several months has been canceled. We were going to be going away for an entire week childless, and it was all pulled out from under me. I was really upset when he told me that we weren't going to be going. He said that we would take a few weekend trips together instead. I understood, there really wasn't anything to be done about it anyway. We decided to go up to a cabin for a few days and in a few months we would spend a weekend at a casino or go into the big city for the weekend. All good ideas, and I was glad that he wasn't just giving up on speneding time together. And then....
He pulled out his lap top and said "I wonder..." and next thing I knew he was looking for a BDSM B&B that was somewhat local. If we lived in the UK we'd have tons of options, unfortunately the only one near us is closed for renovations or something so nothing. However, we did come across a camping event that is all BDSM fun... and he not only said we could go he said we SHOULD go!
"Really?" I asked him with obvious confusion.
"Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun!" he seemed genuinely excited about the idea.
"You don't have to. You're only saying that because you know I'm disappointed about our trip," I turned back to the computer and starting to close the browser, but he stopped me.
"No, really I think it would be fun," he said again. "We should go," ... so we are going.
I think we will be having a lot of fun and I am hoping that we both learn a few things, as there are classes and such. TJ has said that I need to get a new outfit or two for the occasion and has picked out this outfit:
I'm not sure how comfortable that corset is going to be, and i have to find one that is a bit more budget friendly than the one in the picture, but I learned something. Apparently, TJ has always wanted me to wear a corset but has never once mentioned it! So..I'm gonna get the damn thing and wear it. He has also requested a new schoolgirl out fit for me and I will be showing him a few this evening to choose from.
I also got a spanking the other night. It was horrible and wonderful at the same time. It hurt like hell, as I knew it would since I haven't been spanked in months, and it was a punishment which always sting more to me because my mind thinks it should. But it was all him. He announced it and he carried through with it.
Yesterday was a good day as well. We went shopping for new clothes for work and several times he simply said "No," to something I was picking out and I promptly put it back. I accused him of wanting to come with me because he wanted to make sure I didn't get any fuddy duddy clothes and he smiled. "Yeah, kinda". The kids starting to act up a lot so we ended up going home sooner than planned but he told me to go back out and get some new skirts for work.
So I guess progress is being made again...slowly and I am too afraid to trust it but there's been some changes....
He pulled out his lap top and said "I wonder..." and next thing I knew he was looking for a BDSM B&B that was somewhat local. If we lived in the UK we'd have tons of options, unfortunately the only one near us is closed for renovations or something so nothing. However, we did come across a camping event that is all BDSM fun... and he not only said we could go he said we SHOULD go!
"Really?" I asked him with obvious confusion.
"Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun!" he seemed genuinely excited about the idea.
"You don't have to. You're only saying that because you know I'm disappointed about our trip," I turned back to the computer and starting to close the browser, but he stopped me.
"No, really I think it would be fun," he said again. "We should go," ... so we are going.
I think we will be having a lot of fun and I am hoping that we both learn a few things, as there are classes and such. TJ has said that I need to get a new outfit or two for the occasion and has picked out this outfit:
I'm not sure how comfortable that corset is going to be, and i have to find one that is a bit more budget friendly than the one in the picture, but I learned something. Apparently, TJ has always wanted me to wear a corset but has never once mentioned it! So..I'm gonna get the damn thing and wear it. He has also requested a new schoolgirl out fit for me and I will be showing him a few this evening to choose from.
I also got a spanking the other night. It was horrible and wonderful at the same time. It hurt like hell, as I knew it would since I haven't been spanked in months, and it was a punishment which always sting more to me because my mind thinks it should. But it was all him. He announced it and he carried through with it.
Yesterday was a good day as well. We went shopping for new clothes for work and several times he simply said "No," to something I was picking out and I promptly put it back. I accused him of wanting to come with me because he wanted to make sure I didn't get any fuddy duddy clothes and he smiled. "Yeah, kinda". The kids starting to act up a lot so we ended up going home sooner than planned but he told me to go back out and get some new skirts for work.
So I guess progress is being made again...slowly and I am too afraid to trust it but there's been some changes....
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