The weekend

I never posted what happened during our camping weekend! Well...let's rectify that!

The bad.
1) Our camp spot was on an incline which gave me vertigo and made sleeping and relaxing a bit difficult until TJ and I were able to find a way to make the airmatress level enough to keep the motion feeling at a minimum.

2) The only real flushing toilets were a bit of a walk away from us so I had to deal with pit toilets (which are vile).

3) I got my period a few days early and exactly one day into our trip.

4) I got myself into a bit of trouble right before we left. Apparently TJ ran out of gas driving home from dropping our dog off at the inlaws for our trip the night before we left...and somehow it was my fault cos I didn't have the quarter tank of gas in the van like I'm supposed to. (But I still maintain that it's not my fault that he didn't look at the tank before he got on the express way......i'm just sayin)


The good.

1) TJ let us play in the main dungeon this year and we both have come to love the St. Andrews cross.

2) TJ realized he doesn't have enough toys and wants to expand his toy bag to include a flogger (which I agree with) but he also still insists on a cane.

3) We went to a caning demonstration and TJ learned a few things that make me feel a bit more comfortable letting him try one on me.

4) There was a human food tray at the D/s formal that we attended one evening and I was able to lick and suck a woman's breast for the first time. I have been wanting to do that for a long time and I have to say I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would.

5) There were miles and miles of trails in the woods surrounding the camp ground that TJ and I took advantage of. We love to hike so that was relaxing and fun.... and being bent over a tree trunk and being used....that was absolutely wonderful.

6) Although the punishment for the gas thing sucked....if it hadn't been a punishment it woulda been pretty awesome. TJ walked me into the woods, tied my hands over my head to a tree limb, he pulled down my pants and whipped me until he was sure I was contrite. On the way back to camp we were all snuggles and I asked him if I could finally have an orgasm since the punishment was over. He thought I meant right that moment and granted my request. He found another tree for me lean against and told me to go ahead. I slid my hand into my jeans and began to play while he lifted my shirt and began to play with my breasts. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he twisted, pulled, and licked my nipples. When finally gave me permission, he covered my mouth to muffle my scream of pleasure as the immense wave crashed into me and the intensity of his stare, the pressure of his fingers over my mouth, and the heat in my nipple all pushed me over the edge. After it was all finished I was shaking and tears filled my eyes which I think completely confused him but he held me until I was able to straighten myself up and walk back to camp on my own.

7) TJ did more breast play with me than he ever has before and it was absolutely awesome.


I'm still hopeful that at some point our marriage will head down the road I want it to but for now I will be happy just to have him in my life and willing to spend weekends like that with me.

I did it!

I went and had my first ever bikini wax!

TJ and I are heading off to our camping get away this weekend (twisted tryst) and I asked TJ if I could could waxed because shaving leaves me all red and bumpy which doesn't make for sexy time. He agreed...even after he found out how much it was going to cost, but did add "But this isn't going to be a monthly thing!" (Which I think he will rethink once he gets a good look at it.)

Anyhoo... I made the appt and went over knowing it was going to be uncomfortable and I was fully prepared to be horrified at the whole "stranger looking at me down there" thing.

I was shocked! I was completely at ease. No big deal what so ever to have this woman poking, prodding, spreading, waxing, ripping. (Ok it hurt...i'm not going to lie.. in some spots it hurt like hell) But overall...not the worst experience I've had.

The position I loved the most (insert cute eye roll) was when she went to do the "back". Face down, Ass UP..."ok, now pull that cheek away a bit, that's right," OMG I wanted to laugh at the way I must have looked but the kicker was that little sucking in sound of air and I just sighed to myself.

"Don't worry about that, air goes in, it comes out...happens to everyone during this part," to which I said "Well, good...cos it's not like there's much of a choice in this position."

After all of this....the woman is kind enough to leave alone to put my pants back on. I just found that to be hilarious!

I was doing laundry a few minutes ago and TJ came into the room and told me to bend over, which I did. He lifted my skirt and took a look..then told me to turn around and lift my skirt so he could see the front...which again I did. He looked and then grinned real wide "That must have hurt like hell!" he laughed and went to take his shower.

I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for camp and haven't done a single thing. I'm hoping to have a lot of good stories to tell when we get back. Camp is the one place where I know I'm with people like me, people who understand me, who don't judge me and don't reject me. I can't wait...and the sex should be good too!

Measha

Same ole...

Lately I've been battling the same battle of I want more and he doesn't seem to be able to do more and I started to really think about the whole dynamic. Yes, I crave it. I try to stuff it down deep inside and hide from it and am pretty successful for a few months but then it creeps up on me like heartburn after a bad piece of pizza. It burns and screams until I have no choice but to address it.

And when I address it, things get ugly around here. I slip into a self made pool of misery and just shut him out completely. Sure that he won't accept me, positive that he will reject me. Afterall, I must be positively sick in the head to want what I want. To be owned and possessed in the way that I want. No self respecting woman in 2011 would want this, right?!

Of course I'm wrong! I know it in my head but then a huge dark cloud of self doubt forms over my head and engulfs me.

I want desperately to surrender to it, this craving of submission. I want to give in and let it take over me but there is a huge road block. Me. Some idiotic voice screams at me "You can not let him tell you what to do!" "Why are you letting spank you!?! You are an adult woman!" This is the voice that wins over when I smirk at him and am flippant about an order he's given.

How can I ever expect him to dominate when I seem unable to submit? I still get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that should I submit to him fully, he would be repulsed by me, the weak pathetic woman kneeling at his feet.

So my defenses go up. My heart hardens and I refuse, I try to force him to force me into submission- and who the hell wants that!?

I want him to show me that it's ok to be submissive. I want to know that/feel that even at my most submissive moment he will love me and want me. I need that security, that he's not judging me, that he's not thinking how pathetic I am. I need to know that I'm not making a fool of myself.

I want desperately to explore this side of myself, if I could simply stop being so damn afraid he'll find me severely lacking and walk out the door. What if I were to give over completely and he simply rejected me??

Doesn't he see that for me to be unowned is to feel unloved? That I am trapped all alone in this without him to help guide me? Yes, I've explained it and he says he gets it...but none the less I retreat into my shell and try to cure myself of this.

I can't talk with him about it anymore, it's too embarrassing. I feel humiliated and exhausted after trying to talk with him. He always soothes me, says he loves me no matter what, and swears we will find the right balance... which is my signal to retreat.

He doesn't seem to notice the retreat or maybe he's glad for it....

To Be...or not to be?

I have discovered something of myself. I am still afraid that it's not OK to feel this submissive feeling. I know... I know... in my head I know it's ok... but something inside keeps poisoning that thought.

Sometimes I worry that if TJ ever saw how submissive I'd like to be...how dirty I can be, how slutty I could be (for him) he would be completely freaked out and turned off by me. That he would think me a freak of nature and reject me entirely.

So I pull back, I fight this submissive side of me. Obey him?! HA! I am woman hear me roar! BLECH...

I just want to feel safe in my submission. I wanna feel that he doesn't think less of me because I submit to his will. I think that maybe he has the same worry...maybe he doesn't grab the bull by the horns because he's afraid he won't like me if he does. Maybe he doesn't understand that because I chose to be submissive to him doesn't mean that I can't continue to debate politics with him...

I just wanna be me.

Losing myself?

Things are slow as usual around here...and a horrible thing seems to be happening. I'm losing myself. I still want a DD relationship even a D/s one...but it seems that since I've had to really accept it may never really happen my submissive side has shut down. And I miss her!

I want it back, I want the craving, the vulnerability, the feeling of being taken care of, of taking care of him. I want it all back. The little butterflies in my stomach as I remove my clothing for bed...because he required me to sleep nude. The feeling of being held by him (yes, I'm stealing from a movie with that line...but it fits so well) while obeying a dictate or simply doing a task the way he wants it done instead of the way I'd want it done.

Yes, I could go back to all the rules he's made in the past and just start obeying them again and not care that he doesn't care....but I can't. To do that made me feel as though I was playing a game that no one else was playing with me. It didn't feel real in any sense, simply a role play. Do I need the threat of a punishment to make me behave properly...no, not really...but that I'm allowed to lose control and just left out there in limbo... I miss the accountability.

I dont' feel right like this... this vanilla woman who is back to pretending that the random slaps on the ass are unwanted, for fear that he will see how much I really crave him.

I find myself becoming a bitch again. Snappish and petty. He just gives threatening looks that only make me angry and I make another snappy comment...which usually results in "Well, someone's a crabby ass today..." and he laughs and gives me a big hug.

For a little while I thought I was "cured" of my little bdsm fetish. Maybe I didn't need it...maybe it was linked to a bruised self esteem that has been healed. But....vanilla sex bores me silly, and I end up fantasizing to get through it. When he says anything that sounds remotely like an order or a reprimand my spine tingles and my tummy flutters.

i am lost. i am completely lost......

Careful what you ask for.

I have no idea what's going on!

Is it good or bad??

Is it real or not?

Will it stay? Who knows but it's been going ok lately.

TJ has started to treat me a bit more like a submissive than before. He requires breakfast in the mornings, he has taken control of my orgasms (Which is not as fun as I had once thought it would be!), and just a few little things here and there.

I don't know if I'm liking it or not. I dont' mind making his breakfast every morning, and the sex is great. I'm not thrilled that he won't let me have my "alone time" every night like I used to...but I'm dealing with it.

I feel as though something is missing but I can't quite put my finger on it. We haven't really had any play time...maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for it to end again... I dunno.

Update

Not really much to update....

Lately, TJ has been showing more interest in the D/s world and I have been waiting for something...i don't know what really. I just sit and watch him. I don't want to have any expectations or hopes because I don't want them dashed or crushed if things don't go the way I want them. So...I'm trying the whole submission thing by actually submitting. I'm not being walked over or anything like that. I do express my opinions and such but I'm not demanding this from him as much as I used to.

I think I'm trying to let him find his comfort zone, letting him actually lead us. Some days that means we don't talk about BDSM or D/s at all and some days it does. I have made a request of him and he has granted it....if it happens I will post about it.

I love him...that is the same...I love him and am very lucky to have him. So if it takes him another 10 yrs to get comfortable...i'll wait. At the end of the day, he's the guy I want to lay in bed laughing with, he's the guy I want to snuggle on the couch with watching a stupid movie, or debate politics in the kitchen while making dinner for our children. And one day, hopefully he will be the guy who lets me lay at his feet....