Musings of Measha

The weekend

2011-11-12T12:39:00.003-06:00

I never posted what happened during our camping weekend! Well...let's rectify that!

The bad.
1) Our camp spot was on an incline which gave me vertigo and made sleeping and relaxing a bit difficult until TJ and I were able to find a way to make the airmatress level enough to keep the motion feeling at a minimum.

2) The only real flushing toilets were a bit of a walk away from us so I had to deal with pit toilets (which are vile).

3) I got my period a few days early and exactly one day into our trip.

4) I got myself into a bit of trouble right before we left. Apparently TJ ran out of gas driving home from dropping our dog off at the inlaws for our trip the night before we left...and somehow it was my fault cos I didn't have the quarter tank of gas in the van like I'm supposed to. (But I still maintain that it's not my fault that he didn't look at the tank before he got on the express way......i'm just sayin)

The good.

1) TJ let us play in the main dungeon this year and we both have come to love the St. Andrews cross.

2) TJ realized he doesn't have enough toys and wants to expand his toy bag to include a flogger (which I agree with) but he also still insists on a cane.

3) We went to a caning demonstration and TJ learned a few things that make me feel a bit more comfortable letting him try one on me.

4) There was a human food tray at the D/s formal that we attended one evening and I was able to lick and suck a woman's breast for the first time. I have been wanting to do that for a long time and I have to say I enjoyed it as much as I thought I would.

5) There were miles and miles of trails in the woods surrounding the camp ground that TJ and I took advantage of. We love to hike so that was relaxing and fun.... and being bent over a tree trunk and being used....that was absolutely wonderful.

6) Although the punishment for the gas thing sucked....if it hadn't been a punishment it woulda been pretty awesome. TJ walked me into the woods, tied my hands over my head to a tree limb, he pulled down my pants and whipped me until he was sure I was contrite. On the way back to camp we were all snuggles and I asked him if I could finally have an orgasm since the punishment was over. He thought I meant right that moment and granted my request. He found another tree for me lean against and told me to go ahead. I slid my hand into my jeans and began to play while he lifted my shirt and began to play with my breasts. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he twisted, pulled, and licked my nipples. When finally gave me permission, he covered my mouth to muffle my scream of pleasure as the immense wave crashed into me and the intensity of his stare, the pressure of his fingers over my mouth, and the heat in my nipple all pushed me over the edge. After it was all finished I was shaking and tears filled my eyes which I think completely confused him but he held me until I was able to straighten myself up and walk back to camp on my own.

7) TJ did more breast play with me than he ever has before and it was absolutely awesome.

I'm still hopeful that at some point our marriage will head down the road I want it to but for now I will be happy just to have him in my life and willing to spend weekends like that with me.

I did it!

2011-09-13T21:25:00.003-05:00

I went and had my first ever bikini wax!

TJ and I are heading off to our camping get away this weekend (twisted tryst) and I asked TJ if I could could waxed because shaving leaves me all red and bumpy which doesn't make for sexy time. He agreed...even after he found out how much it was going to cost, but did add "But this isn't going to be a monthly thing!" (Which I think he will rethink once he gets a good look at it.)

Anyhoo... I made the appt and went over knowing it was going to be uncomfortable and I was fully prepared to be horrified at the whole "stranger looking at me down there" thing.

I was shocked! I was completely at ease. No big deal what so ever to have this woman poking, prodding, spreading, waxing, ripping. (Ok it hurt...i'm not going to lie.. in some spots it hurt like hell) But overall...not the worst experience I've had.

The position I loved the most (insert cute eye roll) was when she went to do the "back". Face down, Ass UP..."ok, now pull that cheek away a bit, that's right," OMG I wanted to laugh at the way I must have looked but the kicker was that little sucking in sound of air and I just sighed to myself.

"Don't worry about that, air goes in, it comes out...happens to everyone during this part," to which I said "Well, good...cos it's not like there's much of a choice in this position."

After all of this....the woman is kind enough to leave alone to put my pants back on. I just found that to be hilarious!

I was doing laundry a few minutes ago and TJ came into the room and told me to bend over, which I did. He lifted my skirt and took a look..then told me to turn around and lift my skirt so he could see the front...which again I did. He looked and then grinned real wide "That must have hurt like hell!" he laughed and went to take his shower.

I have a ton of stuff to do to get ready for camp and haven't done a single thing. I'm hoping to have a lot of good stories to tell when we get back. Camp is the one place where I know I'm with people like me, people who understand me, who don't judge me and don't reject me. I can't wait...and the sex should be good too!

Measha

Same ole...

2011-08-30T07:51:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been battling the same battle of I want more and he doesn't seem to be able to do more and I started to really think about the whole dynamic. Yes, I crave it. I try to stuff it down deep inside and hide from it and am pretty successful for a few months but then it creeps up on me like heartburn after a bad piece of pizza. It burns and screams until I have no choice but to address it.

And when I address it, things get ugly around here. I slip into a self made pool of misery and just shut him out completely. Sure that he won't accept me, positive that he will reject me. Afterall, I must be positively sick in the head to want what I want. To be owned and possessed in the way that I want. No self respecting woman in 2011 would want this, right?!

Of course I'm wrong! I know it in my head but then a huge dark cloud of self doubt forms over my head and engulfs me.

I want desperately to surrender to it, this craving of submission. I want to give in and let it take over me but there is a huge road block. Me. Some idiotic voice screams at me "You can not let him tell you what to do!" "Why are you letting spank you!?! You are an adult woman!" This is the voice that wins over when I smirk at him and am flippant about an order he's given.

How can I ever expect him to dominate when I seem unable to submit? I still get this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that should I submit to him fully, he would be repulsed by me, the weak pathetic woman kneeling at his feet.

So my defenses go up. My heart hardens and I refuse, I try to force him to force me into submission- and who the hell wants that!?

I want him to show me that it's ok to be submissive. I want to know that/feel that even at my most submissive moment he will love me and want me. I need that security, that he's not judging me, that he's not thinking how pathetic I am. I need to know that I'm not making a fool of myself.

I want desperately to explore this side of myself, if I could simply stop being so damn afraid he'll find me severely lacking and walk out the door. What if I were to give over completely and he simply rejected me??

Doesn't he see that for me to be unowned is to feel unloved? That I am trapped all alone in this without him to help guide me? Yes, I've explained it and he says he gets it...but none the less I retreat into my shell and try to cure myself of this.

I can't talk with him about it anymore, it's too embarrassing. I feel humiliated and exhausted after trying to talk with him. He always soothes me, says he loves me no matter what, and swears we will find the right balance... which is my signal to retreat.

He doesn't seem to notice the retreat or maybe he's glad for it....

To Be...or not to be?

2011-06-27T07:39:00.003-05:00

I have discovered something of myself. I am still afraid that it's not OK to feel this submissive feeling. I know... I know... in my head I know it's ok... but something inside keeps poisoning that thought.

Sometimes I worry that if TJ ever saw how submissive I'd like to be...how dirty I can be, how slutty I could be (for him) he would be completely freaked out and turned off by me. That he would think me a freak of nature and reject me entirely.

So I pull back, I fight this submissive side of me. Obey him?! HA! I am woman hear me roar! BLECH...

I just want to feel safe in my submission. I wanna feel that he doesn't think less of me because I submit to his will. I think that maybe he has the same worry...maybe he doesn't grab the bull by the horns because he's afraid he won't like me if he does. Maybe he doesn't understand that because I chose to be submissive to him doesn't mean that I can't continue to debate politics with him...

I just wanna be me.

Losing myself?

2011-06-17T07:38:00.002-05:00

Things are slow as usual around here...and a horrible thing seems to be happening. I'm losing myself. I still want a DD relationship even a D/s one...but it seems that since I've had to really accept it may never really happen my submissive side has shut down. And I miss her!

I want it back, I want the craving, the vulnerability, the feeling of being taken care of, of taking care of him. I want it all back. The little butterflies in my stomach as I remove my clothing for bed...because he required me to sleep nude. The feeling of being held by him (yes, I'm stealing from a movie with that line...but it fits so well) while obeying a dictate or simply doing a task the way he wants it done instead of the way I'd want it done.

Yes, I could go back to all the rules he's made in the past and just start obeying them again and not care that he doesn't care....but I can't. To do that made me feel as though I was playing a game that no one else was playing with me. It didn't feel real in any sense, simply a role play. Do I need the threat of a punishment to make me behave properly...no, not really...but that I'm allowed to lose control and just left out there in limbo... I miss the accountability.

I dont' feel right like this... this vanilla woman who is back to pretending that the random slaps on the ass are unwanted, for fear that he will see how much I really crave him.

I find myself becoming a bitch again. Snappish and petty. He just gives threatening looks that only make me angry and I make another snappy comment...which usually results in "Well, someone's a crabby ass today..." and he laughs and gives me a big hug.

For a little while I thought I was "cured" of my little bdsm fetish. Maybe I didn't need it...maybe it was linked to a bruised self esteem that has been healed. But....vanilla sex bores me silly, and I end up fantasizing to get through it. When he says anything that sounds remotely like an order or a reprimand my spine tingles and my tummy flutters.

i am lost. i am completely lost......

Careful what you ask for.

2011-04-19T07:47:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what's going on!

Is it good or bad??

Is it real or not?

Will it stay? Who knows but it's been going ok lately.

TJ has started to treat me a bit more like a submissive than before. He requires breakfast in the mornings, he has taken control of my orgasms (Which is not as fun as I had once thought it would be!), and just a few little things here and there.

I don't know if I'm liking it or not. I dont' mind making his breakfast every morning, and the sex is great. I'm not thrilled that he won't let me have my "alone time" every night like I used to...but I'm dealing with it.

I feel as though something is missing but I can't quite put my finger on it. We haven't really had any play time...maybe that's it. Maybe I'm just waiting for it to end again... I dunno.

Update

2011-03-28T20:40:00.002-05:00

Not really much to update....

Lately, TJ has been showing more interest in the D/s world and I have been waiting for something...i don't know what really. I just sit and watch him. I don't want to have any expectations or hopes because I don't want them dashed or crushed if things don't go the way I want them. So...I'm trying the whole submission thing by actually submitting. I'm not being walked over or anything like that. I do express my opinions and such but I'm not demanding this from him as much as I used to.

I think I'm trying to let him find his comfort zone, letting him actually lead us. Some days that means we don't talk about BDSM or D/s at all and some days it does. I have made a request of him and he has granted it....if it happens I will post about it.

I love him...that is the same...I love him and am very lucky to have him. So if it takes him another 10 yrs to get comfortable...i'll wait. At the end of the day, he's the guy I want to lay in bed laughing with, he's the guy I want to snuggle on the couch with watching a stupid movie, or debate politics in the kitchen while making dinner for our children. And one day, hopefully he will be the guy who lets me lay at his feet....

Sometimes it goes badly...

2011-01-31T07:46:00.003-06:00

TJ decided that I was to get a spanking last night for a transgression that I am not proud of. Nothing completely horrible, but still not my best moment. He wasn't really mad...well I guess he was...but he was "disappointed" in me (which is worse, by the way). I actually did everything I could think of to get out of the spanking because I knew that he really meant business and I really didn't want it to happen. Nothing worked, but he did smile a lot and say how adorable I look when I'm ashamed of myself. Apparently, I do a lot of blushing.

When it came time to "pay the piper" I did sincerely explain my fears to him. It's been a long time since he spanked for anything and I was really afraid that I wouldn't be able to stand it. I was afraid that all my wiggling and squirming would only make him angrier. He assured me that I would do fine and that he would be patient.

He prepared the house by locking the door and starting the dishwasher "To drown out your screams" (he was chuckling when he said that-always the kidder!) He went into his room to search out his "Friend" and came out with a dowel rod. I shook my head and tried to walk away.

"I just said that I dont' think I can stand a regular spanking, and you bring out that thing?!" He walked over to me and hugged me.

"Have some faith in your husband," he whispered and led me over to the laundry room door. "Hands on the door," he directed me, and I did as he told me.

He starting out with his lecture and they why's and what's as usual, the entire time swishing that damn thing in air behind me. He reached over and yanked my pants down to my ankles and folded my shirt up so it was out of his way.

I stood there feeling that stupid wooden demon tapping against my bottom and my thighs as he talked and all I could think about was how much it was going to hurt. The immense sting it would create, the hopping around I would do, the aggravation I was going to cause. The longer this went on the more scared I got, the deeper my breathing became, and the faster the tears came and before I knew it, I was crying. He hadn't even given me a single stroke of the rod yet and I was crying. I'll be completely honest that the tears had nothing to do with remorse.

I was of course sorry for what I had done, but the tears were simply fear and more fear.

TJ quickly put his hand on my back and said "Oh, baby don't cry," which really opened te flood gates.

"I'm just so scared of that thing," I blubbered. "I won't be able to stand it, and you'll be mad," He turned me around and hugged me tightly.

"Please don't cry. I didn't mean to scare you. I don't want to hurt you---well, not like this anyway." and he hugged me while I tried to get control of myself again. When I was feeling a bit better he walked away to put the rod away and I started crying again.

"I fucked it all up!" I wiped my eyes. "This is the first time in like forever that you were going to spank me and I fucked it all up!" He laughed a little and hugged me again. He did give me a little bit of a lecture on what I did and then he told me to get up to bed.

When he climbed in bed, about an hour later, he told me he loved me. I apologized for making a muck of the whole thing and he held me tighter. He assured me there would be other times and that I didn't screw anything up.

I felt like a complete idiot! I'm not getting any punihsment for what I did because he felt bad for scaring me like that, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. It was the first real offense I've committed...the one time that I think I really deserved a serious punishment and I'm getting off because I was scared.

Blech!!! Damned either way!

On the up side: the spanking was his idea.

Once and again

2011-01-04T07:54:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure what happened.

I made my decision. I wasn't going put up with it anymore, I was going to do what needed to be done so that I could move forward. I was going to ask TJ for a separation. I was all set to do it, I was only waiting until after the new year. I knew exactly what I was going to say, knew what I wanted from him, and was ready to go.

The night came that I had planned to have the talk with him, the kids were in bed sleeping, the house was cleaned up from all the holiday crap and it was just the two of us. I opened my mouth to start the conversation and nothing. Not a peep came out. I shut my mouth and tried again, nothing. He was starting to look at me strangely.

"What?" he asked me when I made a third attempt. "You ok?" he asked, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my forehead. I sighed. We watched a movie instead.

I don't' know why I didn't say what I was thinking, other than I didn't really want him to move out anymore.

The following night I told him all of this and he stared at me blankly.

"You didn't want to have the talk or you didn't want the separation?" he asked.

"I think I didn't want the separation any more."

"Well, as long as your sure. Are we separating?" he asked pointedly.

"I don't think so."

"I dont' understand. Nothings changed -" And the light bulb illuminated. "Oh." he said flatly.

"Exactly," I smiled.

Is everything fine and dandy? Nope, far from it. The problems are still there...he has still made little effort to resolve the issues...but he has made some. I can't say what happened, why I changed my mind, or why my heart warmed towards him again... but it did.

During the same conversation, TJ mentioned that I was to get a spanking for letting the gas tank empty that day (the light went on with all the kids in the car and he was worried we wouldn't get to a gas station in time) I said "We agreed not to do that anymore..remember?"

"Uh, no. You said we weren't doing it anymore. I said that after the holidays were over we'd be getting right back into it."

"After what I just said, you're gonna spank me?"

"Are we separating?"

"No."

"Then yes. I'm going to spank you."

And he did. It was weird. My head wasn't really into it. It hurt a lot since it's been a few months since my last spanking. It seemed a little silly. I didn't argue though, I went with it.

I have no idea what's going to happen next. It's like my life is a chapter book...did I choose the right path? We'll see.

The Return.

2010-12-30T08:31:00.004-06:00

I have stayed away from my blog for too long. I would like to say it's because of how busy I was with school and work, but that's not entirely the truth. The truth of the matter is that I have been hiding. I thought if I just hid from my blog and others like it, there might still be hope of a return for me. I thought that if I just pushed all of this out of my head it would go away. The urge to belong to someone (really belong) would diminish. The dark fantasies would fade away into the shadows in which I hid myself.

I was also afraid. I was afraid to admit anywhere outside of my own head that things were bad. Fear of boring my readers with yet another downfall of the never ending roller coaster that seems to be my life. I felt that I was beginning to sound like a broken record "Things are bad...Things are good...things are bad...etc" or worse yet- I'd come off as wining.

Although I still fear doing those things and do wish I could flip a switch to make me different, I'm here.

Things are a horrible mess. I would like to say it's just because of the D/s but it's way messier than that. TJ has always had trouble with procrastination., He's the reason stores are open on Christmas eve. "The way to Christmas shop is in a panicked frenzy!" he loves to say as he dashes from store to store. This is how he deals with everything: oil changes, tire fill ups, calling the cell phone company about a bill, getting the driveway guy the blue prints for the job we paid him to do, etc.

Things that I should be able to depend on him to handle -he can't or won't. We've lost the deposit on the driveway (that is badly needed) because he wouldn't let the guy handle getting the permit from the village and insisted on doing it himself- which he never got around to doing. We've had to pay fines to the village because of the driveway not being done, not to mention all the monies gone to late fees and bounced checks because he doesn't seem to have time to balance his checkbook and won't allow me to do any of it. The more I try to depend on him, to stay out of his way, to let him lead, the more often I fall right on my face.

I could do it all myself...and have in the past, which leaves me feeling alone. The way I feel right now is that I'm lonely, and very much alone. i don't have anyone to help me with the day to day stuff, the living together stuff, the couple stuff and I don't have anyone to live a D/s relationship with but I'm not free to pursue anything that will result in finding someone to share those things with.

The inability to rely on him has resulted in a complete breakdown of trust in him. He promises to do something-then doesn't- over and over and over again...I don't trust him. I can't depend on him and it's left me feeling "platonic" towards him. Sex is even more rare than ever and it's mostly because I'm not even trying anymore..and when he tries I'm very far from being in the mood.

The idea of having sex or doing anything sexual with him in the "submissive" mind frame actually irritates me now. I can not have sex with him simply because he wants it like I used to. It used to turn me on having him wake me up for sex, now I'm just annoyed. The other night he was having his way with me (I was too tired to argue or say no) and I just kept thinking "Hurry up! Would you just finish!" ....it was horrible.

The thought of him spanking me is laughable at this point. I would no sooner allow him to do such a thing than I would some stranger on the street.

Everything I want, the rules, the structure, the security is not going to happen with him. He can not even take care of himself let alone me... there is absolutely no trust. The foundation of our relationship is completely broken. The D/s is dead and buried and the vanilla relationship sucks- at best. I don't want a vanilla relationship...I just don't. I have needs and wants and he can't fulfill them. Nor can I fulfill his vanilla wants and needs.

We are in a horrible place and the longer it goes on the further away I move from him. He knows it, and sees it and we've talked and talked and talked. I've made it damn clear on what needs to happen and he says "it will take time...give me time" but it has been months since we started these talks. We separated our checking accounts over a month ago, along with it the bills. He has not paid a single bill. Not one.

I'm not sure how much longer our marriage is going to last. He tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day, he calls me to tell me, he texts me... he doesn't get it. Love isn't the problem. Well, maybe in some way it is. I don't feel love like a vanilla woman does.

So there it is. I'm miserable, he's miserable. It's all screwed up so badly I don't see much hope that things will improve. I've tried everything I can try, I can not make him do what he wont' do. I can't make him grow up. But I can't allow him to drag me down much more. I deserve to be happy, to have the relationship I want, to have someone who is loving and supportive and reliable. He deserves those things, too.

Still kickin

2010-10-22T07:48:00.004-05:00

I have not posted in quite a while and that's not because everything has gone down the crapper. Well, not entirely anyway. I have been very busy with my two night classes and working more than I would like, so blogging hasn't really been an option.

Unfortunately, this also means I haven't had much time to be with TJ. Our typical night is me walking in around 8:30 or 9, after the kids are already in bed, and collapsing onto the couch. An hour of snuggle on the couch to watch tv and off to bed.

The rules have all crumbled. I forget once or twice to follow a rule and then it just dies away. Tj feels it's not fair to punish me when I'm so busy and he doesn't really fault me and I figure he doesn't care about it, so it just dies off. I'm not happy about it, and really miss the dynamic we had going, but I know it's because of the way our life is right now and there is a chance it will get better.

I also know that we could be living the dynamic we wanted right now if we would both try harder and put more effort into it, but it's just not happening right now.

I realized this morning that I haven't laid out TJ's clothes for him in weeks, and last night I was bratting him pretty badly. I didn't get a rise out of him, but I knew what I was doing and it made me angry at myself. I am just hoping that the next 8 weeks go quickly and I wont' be away from the house as much and I will be able to put much more effort into our relationship and to the family as a whole. TJ has become quite the Mr. Mom these past weeks and I feel a bit left out.

Anyway, just wanted to say i'm not lost, things are on the back burner a bit but it's not dead.

2010-09-17T07:55:00.004-05:00

Implement: Back scratcher
Position: Standing against the wall
Offense: Attitude, breaking the water rule, not laying out His clothes as instructed.

"Turn around and put your hands on the wall."
Subject turns and places her palms on the cool paneling. the lecture begins as the light taps of the back scratcher are spread around her bottom. Subject feels a slight tingle in the middle of her back, she tries to ignore it, to focus on his voice. The gin tingle gets stronger and stronger until it is no ignorable and becomes a full blown itch. Subject realizes that the very thing she wants is being used on her bottom and for a split second thinks of asking Him if she could borrow the weapon for just a moment. That split second thought results in a bubble in her chest that she tries to contain, as he is giving a rather lengthy speech and she is sure she should be listening. The bubble moves upward and will not be ignored...helpless, the subject begins to giggle.

"Are you laughing!?" The giggle turns into a burst of laughter and the subject turns away from the wall and tries to explain herself. He does not look amused. She tries again to explain that it is absolutely hilarious that she has a horrible itch and he is using the scratcher to spank her with instead of scratch her with.

"Turn around" he instructs with only a slight hint of a smile on his firm lips. She turns around and waits for the next blow..."where does it itch?" he asks and she points out the spot as best as one can point out a spot on the middle of one's own back. She sighs with relief as she feels the scratcher putting out the annoying itch. She thanks him.

He continues the spanking......

Our 24/7

2010-09-08T07:51:00.003-05:00

One of the classes we attended at camp had to do with living the lifestyle 24/7. The most important thing i walked away with was that everyone has their own version of 24/7. I know that many of you have said the same thing but it stuck a little more this time. I think it sunk in more this time because I could see everyone right in front of me, there was no virtual wall or chat room, we were siting right next to each other talking about real life.

At first we mostly just listened to the other couples talking about finding time to play and how to distinguish between fantasy and reality. I finally spoke up and gave a little background of TJ and i going through the whole roller coaster ride and "it's here to day gone tomorrow" philosophy we seem to be following. Everyone was very supportive and there was another couple there with kids who really seemed to relate to us. The guys had some ideas for TJ and when I described our routine one of the girls said "That's your 24/7" and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I may not kneel and ask permission to get into bed every night, but TJ brings me to bed when he says it's time to go to bed, and he kisses me good night. There may be no "protocol" how i get dinner to the table, but I make his plate for him every time. We have our own little routines that seemed like nothing but now i realize they mean more.

We do have a 24/7 relationship that isn't entirely vanilla. It's not M/s...at least not in the terminology way. I don't call him Master or even Sir (unless the situation requires it) and i seriously doubt he will ever "collar" me, (although I really wish we could have some sort of symbol that maybe only the of two us understands) but we have a dynamic that works and still needs work.... a lot of work.

A few things we've added to our relationship..
-I lay out his clothes for him in the morning, and his pj's at night.
- I am no longer allowed to be intimate with myself without his permission.
- I may have as much water as I like but must ask for permission for anything else (except for coffee in the morning)

I'm starting to be more comfortable with our relationship, and i'm feeling a lot less envious of others...what I have is pretty good.

D/s formal

2010-09-06T07:38:00.005-05:00

Saturday afternoon brought with it the excitement of a D/s formal that i had been looking forward to the entire weekend. TJ agreed that my corset was the best option for dress that evening and he helped me get dressed. He dug through his bag and asked if I had packed him a button down shirt or any polo shirts, my heart fell to my feet. I apologized a hundred times, I didn't think to pack him something special for the event. He assured it me it was fine and that he wouldn't be uncomfortable at all. Luckily there were just as many guys dressed down as there were dressed up at the event so that made me feel better.

Along with my black corset, I wore a black lace petticoat with black and pink lace panties underneath. The finishing touch was my collar and my hair. I had put my hair up due to the warmth that day but he said it had to come down, so I took it down and brushed it out. Then we were all ready. TJ hooked the leash through the loops of my right cuff and clipped it to my left cuff so that I was nicely chained up and could still swing my arms slightly unless he pulled on the chain and pinned my wrists together. The walk up to the dungeon was more fun than I had thought it would be.

The dungeon had been converted into a dining room for the event and it looked great. There were two long tables with appetizers displayed and on another table a naked girl was being used as a human fruit platter. The round dining tables were dressed in red table cloths and floggers were used very creatively to make the center pieces. The hosts - a Master and his slave- greeted everyone as they entered and said the only restriction was that no one use their mouth to remove fruit from the platter.

TJ and i found a table and he said i could use the kneeler that was next to his chair. I hadn't really been sure what to expect from him and it only slightly surprised me when he had told me to kneel at the table instead of sitting next to him. Shortly after we took our seats, another couple joined us who we had met before during the weekend. TJ took a few cues from him as i think he liked the way he and his slave(wife) interacted with each other. He sent me up to the table to get him a plate of "anything you think I'd like" as he put it. Since we pretty much like all the same things, it wasn't difficult. I also got him something to drink. Once I had his plate of delicious appetizers and a drink in front of him, he said i could go back up to the table and get myself something to drink. I tried not to let my frustration show that he kept waiting until I was back on the kneeler before sending me for the next thing, but his grin told me he could tell and he was amused by it.

I noticed that the Master sitting next to me was feeding his slave and was busy watching the room as TJ spoke with him. I turned back towards TJ and my lips crashed into a quiche that he was trying to give me. Once I realized what he was doing, I opened my mouth to take in the food and thanked him for it. I had thought to myself "the man is going to starve me, just to prove some point!" before he started giving me little bites. I had hoped he would let me get my own plate as the slave next to me had been allowed, but he was content with sharing his plate with me.

It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon and I didn't feel at all foolish kneeling beside TJ as he sat in his chair and carried on conversations. I joined in the conversations and only later did I think that maybe I wasn't supposed to have done that, but since TJ never told me to hush or give me some sort of signal to stay out of it I figured he didn't have a problem with it.

The host ,David, came over to our table and made a joke that TJ should get a kneeler for me at home for the dinner table. He had given a class the day before about M/s 24/7 that was really helpful to TJ and i, and joked back that if i could keep the kids from playing on it, that might work. It was such a great experience and David gave a wonderfully warm thank you to his slave for all the hard work she put into the evening. He gave her all the credit by saying that it was really her event and gave her several compliments on the food and decorations. It was just another example to me that M/s does not mean the Master isn't loving and sweet to his slave.

I can't get over how much fun the weekend was and I can not wait until next year!

Saturday...

2010-09-03T23:10:00.004-05:00

Saturday at camp TJ and I did ALOT of relaxing during the day. There was one point during the afternoon (maybe this was on Friday...hmm...its all blending...) when he was napping on his cot (yes, cot...I get motion sickness on air mattresses and I don't do sleeping on the ground...) and I was digging around for something in one of our bags (topless...cos it was kinda hot in the tent with the sun beating down right on it) when I felt a slight pinch of my breast. I looked down and sure enough he had one eye slightly opened and a grin on his face. "Kneel down," he told me and I did as I was told (for once).

He had been playing with some clothes pins beofre he took his nap and still had them next to him on the cot. Slowly, he placed them on my breasts, only four in all- one on each side of my nipples. He looked so happy making me squirm and he was about to be much happier. We haven't really played much with clothes pins but the one thing I knew about them that he didn't was that putting them on wasn't as bad as getting them off. He took one off thinking to simply end our few minutes of fun and quickly realized that it was more fun to see my reaction to the instant burn that took over after the pin was released. He questioned me about my reaction, and I could almost see the light bulb light up over his head. Needless to say, the other three pins were removed much slower and with much more excitement on his part than the first.

Saturday night was my favorite night for a few reasons. One of which is that TJ tied me up to a St. Andrews cross in the woods and spanked me with our new leather paddle. It was wonderful and horrible at the same time. We were alone during the spanking, other than a few passerby's. Tj didn't let us play in the main dungeon but said that next year he'd prolly be more up for it.

I also enjoyed that TJ had me wear my new cuffs all day long and he walked me to and from the dungeon on a leash which he first ran through my cuffs, so my hands were bound to my collar (a play collar). I thought I'd have a hard time with people seeing me walk that way, especially since I was in heels and it was a gravel road that we were walking down, but no one really seemed to make notice. There were a few smiles of approval though when he would yank on the leash to tighten the slack on my wrists. It was really very exciting not at all embarrassing. It was the most open minded place I could ever imagine.

I also loved going down on TJ next to our campfire at our site. He loved it, I was still dressed in my corset and skirt, my collar was still one and my cuffs (which I slept in) were still on. After he was satisfied I asked if I could "entertain him" and he granted me permission. By that time our neighbors were back at their tent and had started their own fire, but it didn't bother me at all. TJ's eyes were locked on me and I simply was too excited to care about them. So not only did he get a show, they also got a nice audio of what was happening. I can be quite loud when allowed and since there was no reason to soften my climax I did not. (This reminds me that I didn't mention something about Thursday that I will go back to post about later...or maybe I'll write it up for my writing blog since I've been neglectful there)

My favorite part about the night was the D/s formal we attended that was given by a Master and his slave. It was absolutely wonderful and I will give all the details in my next post...it's late and i need sleep.

Friday at camp

2010-09-01T07:36:00.000-05:00

Friday night was the night TJ requested I wear my school girl outfit, which I did and it looked great. TJ made an awesome dinner by the campfire and then we headed up to the lodge for the evening festivities. There was a special ops theme that night where subs were caught, interrogated, and executed (paintball style). It was fun to watch and maybe next year i'll get to play more.

TJ was totally enthralled with the ropes again and watched every time someone was being suspended. He wanted to speak to the guy who did most of it, but he was unable to catch him when he wasn't busy. He did get to talk with a Dom who is very experienced and spent a lot of time with TJ showing him all of his "toys", the different floggers and such. TJ was very grateful and has said more than once that he needs to go to Home Depot for "supplies".

After being at the "dungeon" for a while TJ asked if I wanted to take a walk with him. We walked around the lake, past our tent, and towards the outside showers where a chair caught my eye. I have tried to find a picture of it, but am having trouble finding one that is accurate, so I shall try to describe it. It was basically a padded chair that was suspended so that it swung just like a swing, and there were two padded leg extensions that when the person sitting on the chair their legs were spread open, and since the chair was tilted back a bit it was more comfortable to sit "properly" in it and not let your legs dangle.

I saw this chair and I gave TJ a wicked grin, walked over to it and hopped on. He laughed a little but was quick to join me. He stood between my legs and ran his hands up my thighs, flipping my skirt up and out of his way. He kept his eyes locked with mine as he pulled something out of his pocket and before I could ask what it was I felt it. He had brought along his little leather pocket paddle and was going to use it on me. He spanked the insides of my thighs and around my pelvic bone, and then he went lower and he had some real fun. I was jumping a bit as he spanked me down there, and I didn't realize I could squeal in such a way! He loved it and was very good about stopping after a few strokes to pet me and just as i would start to relax he'd start up again.

He was delighting in my little yelps and gulps of air and wasn't bothered at all by the people walking by or that were only a few yards away by their campfire. I'm not sure how long we were in that chair but I do remember my thighs were sore until the next morning.

One thing TJ and realized during our camping trip was that we enjoy playtime more when it doesn't lead right into sex. I've read on other blogs that playing isn't really sex and I had always thought "then what's the point!".....well I was wrong! For us at least, playing was more enjoyable when we weren't expecting to stop and have sex at any second, it was more focused on the moment. It was more relaxing and enjoyable to play without sex...don't misunderstand...there was plenty of sex...but not during play or directly after. It was something new for us to learn about our relationship, which is why we went to camp!

Camp Adventures

2010-08-30T22:43:00.005-05:00

These toys were purchased from Katana works who was a vendor at the Tryst.

Those are the new toys TJ bought while we were away at our camping adventure with Twisted Tryst. It was a completely awesome weekend, I can not believe how wonderful it was. There is so much to say I'm not sure where to begin...so I'll start at the beginning and keep going until I get to the end...this could take a post or two.

On Thursday morning we left the house and drove up to the campsite. TJ, who normally stops for a break every other hour or so, made only two short stops (one of which was at my request) because he wanted to get there so badly. The campsite is an adult only site and as soon as I saw the sign or it my stomach began to ache with nerves.

What if I couldn't handle it? What if i freaked out? What if TJ hated it and said we had to leave and forget all about D/s in our marriage. We signed in and was led to our site where we (ok..mostly TJ but I did try to help) pitched the tent.

It was odd how quickly I became accustomed to all of the naked bodies that were walking around or sunbathing. Not to mention the sex that happened out in the open. The people were awesome. We got to see some really neat stuff, and a few things that did scare me a bit. Overall it could not have been a better weekend. We were able to relax and be ourselves and i was amazed at how much Tj took to it all.

We took a class that talked about M/s 24/7 and I think that really helped us sort out a few things. At the very least it opened a conversation for us. TJ hates labels (i already knew that though) but he has a really hard time thinking outside of "husband/wife" terminology. We talked a lot over the weekend and TJ was given a few ideas from some of the other Doms at camp.

Anyway, I'm jumping all over the place...lemme get back on track...ok... Thursday. Once we were all settled we took a walk around the campgrounds to get a feel for the place. The theme that night was "Pajamarama" so I put on my new black nightie and we headed up to the lounge for some pizza. We met another couple there who had been at camp a few times already and it turns out they come down to the city quite often for some events here. They were able to tell us a lot of groups and other "community" type things to do in our area (which seems weird since they live about 2 hrs away!)

We hung around for the bonfire and also stayed in the dungeon for a while to see how others play. TJ has fallen in love with rope and is going to learn some bondage....this was not my doing. I am not all that into rope bondage...cuff my hands..that's good for me...but he's all excited, which is excellent.

When we got back to our tent that evening Tj started a fire and we had a snack. I wasn't really sure what to expect so I expected nothing. However, Tj wasn't going to let the night go by without taking me...so into the tent I was dragged...ok...not really dragged...by then I was more than willing to do about anything. i cant say that it was the kinkiest sex we've had but it was AWESOME regardless. Turns out that knowing that other people could hear us was a huge turn on for me, and since TJ didn't shut me up when I was cumming and I could scream as loud as I wanted to it made it all the better.

There's lots more to tell, but I'm really sleepy and have to get to bed. There will be more...it was an awesome weekend!

Super Excited!!

2010-08-25T12:32:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is the day! We are going to pack the van, kiss the kids goodbye and head up north for three days of kinky fun in the sun.

I have purchased the outfits that TJ asked me to, one school girl outfit, one corset with petticoat, a skirt with tights and some cute night clothes. We are camping and the night gowns aren't warm but I'm sure he will keep me toasty.

There are a few events that I'm really looking forward to. There is a round table discussion about M/s 24 7 that is being led by a M/s couple, I'm really hoping that we will get some good feedback and that we will learn a lot. There is also a D/s "formal" which I think is like a dinner/dance type thing that I'm excited to go to. There will be a dungeon for playing, tons of "games" and other activities to keep us busy and enthralled all weekend and I can not wait to get there!

I intend to give a full report when we get back, hopefully I will have a lot of really neat stories to relay.

I haven't felt this giddy in a long time!

bonds of security

2010-08-15T08:29:00.005-05:00

Last night TJ and I "played" while the kids were gone for the night. It wasn't anything elaborate...it was actually perfect. It started off with a sort of punishment for my teasing him all day long...I "say sort of" because it led into the rest of the fun activities so it couldn't have been a completely real punishment...

TJ used a whip on me that we've had since we were dating, I'm not sure exactly how to describe it so I found a picture that looks close to what it is... I suppose it's more of a flogger than a whip. Anyway, ours is purple and only has a few knots at the ends with the rest of the soft braided material hanging loosely after it. He also used a small leather paddle that I do not like at all...cos it stings A LOT.

Before he started the spanking and the fun after that, he got me all ready. He put on my blindfold, secured my hands together in front of me, and chained my left foot to the bed post on the floor. Then he looped a rope through my cuffs and pulled me to lay across the bed, with my feet still on the floor and he tied that rope to the other bedpost on the floor so I was neatly draped over the bed.

The spanking that he gave me wasn't worse or lighter than any other spanking he's ever given me but I handled it so much better than ever before. At first I thought being tied down in such a fashion would scare me or make me freak out over the loss of control while he was spanking me...but it was the exact opposite reaction. I was able to concentrate on what he said, each stroke that he delivered, and how I was reacting to it all. It was as if because I could not escape him or his whip I could focus more. I felt more secure in the bonds of the rope than if I was just laying across the bed on my own accord.

I don't think he'll tie me down for every punishment, like I said I don't think he intended that to be any punishment really, I think he was just setting the scene. However, i did take it to be a punishment at the time and was crying pretty freely from the sting of the whip and because I had upset him...my tears did not dissuade him at all, which was unusual. When he asked me what was wrong I told him it hurt and he just said "oh, " and continued. Before we moved onto the fun stuff he did say he wasn't mad at me, because at that point I was worried he was still angry and he assured me he wasn't.

Then he told me that my mouth isn't for teasing, talking back or being mouthy....and he taught me what it was for......

It was his idea

2010-08-02T07:31:00.002-05:00

A vacation that TJ and I had been planning for several months has been canceled. We were going to be going away for an entire week childless, and it was all pulled out from under me. I was really upset when he told me that we weren't going to be going. He said that we would take a few weekend trips together instead. I understood, there really wasn't anything to be done about it anyway. We decided to go up to a cabin for a few days and in a few months we would spend a weekend at a casino or go into the big city for the weekend. All good ideas, and I was glad that he wasn't just giving up on speneding time together. And then....
He pulled out his lap top and said "I wonder..." and next thing I knew he was looking for a BDSM B&B that was somewhat local. If we lived in the UK we'd have tons of options, unfortunately the only one near us is closed for renovations or something so nothing. However, we did come across a camping event that is all BDSM fun... and he not only said we could go he said we SHOULD go!

"Really?" I asked him with obvious confusion.
"Yeah, it sounds like a lot of fun!" he seemed genuinely excited about the idea.
"You don't have to. You're only saying that because you know I'm disappointed about our trip," I turned back to the computer and starting to close the browser, but he stopped me.
"No, really I think it would be fun," he said again. "We should go," ... so we are going.
I think we will be having a lot of fun and I am hoping that we both learn a few things, as there are classes and such. TJ has said that I need to get a new outfit or two for the occasion and has picked out this outfit:

I'm not sure how comfortable that corset is going to be, and i have to find one that is a bit more budget friendly than the one in the picture, but I learned something. Apparently, TJ has always wanted me to wear a corset but has never once mentioned it! So..I'm gonna get the damn thing and wear it. He has also requested a new schoolgirl out fit for me and I will be showing him a few this evening to choose from.

I also got a spanking the other night. It was horrible and wonderful at the same time. It hurt like hell, as I knew it would since I haven't been spanked in months, and it was a punishment which always sting more to me because my mind thinks it should. But it was all him. He announced it and he carried through with it.

Yesterday was a good day as well. We went shopping for new clothes for work and several times he simply said "No," to something I was picking out and I promptly put it back. I accused him of wanting to come with me because he wanted to make sure I didn't get any fuddy duddy clothes and he smiled. "Yeah, kinda". The kids starting to act up a lot so we ended up going home sooner than planned but he told me to go back out and get some new skirts for work.

So I guess progress is being made again...slowly and I am too afraid to trust it but there's been some changes....

2010-06-30T07:16:00.003-05:00

We couldn't be further away from where we were 6mos ago in relation to our DD or D/s or whatever relationship. We spend tons of time together whenever possible, and every second of it has been vanilla...actually a little platonic, too.

There was a glimmer of DD two nights ago but it faded as quickly as it had presented itself. TJ and I were chatting about something (nothing in particular) and I ended up saying "Whatever" when the topic turned to where I didn't want to talk about it anymore (I think we were talking about my schoolwork). "Whatever" used to be a banned word....ages ago. As we finished the conversation he said "And when the kids fall asleep come into my room so you can pay for that 'whatever'"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, not sure I heard what I had heard.
"You know,"
'No, no I don't" I wanted to make sure I wasn't about to humiliate myself yet again.
"I'm going to spank you for that," he said plainly.
"You haven't spanked me in months! You can't just turn the tides that fast,"
"I'm still your husband. When the kids go to bed, I'm going to spank you," I just blushed a bit and left to finish my homework. I was thrilled and a bit scared, it's been along time, it was going to hurt a lot...

When I was finished working, the kids where asleep, I went to his room:
"I'm finished," My words fell into the air.
"Ok, babe. Going to bed?" he asked pleasantly.
"Yup. I'm beat," My heart started to sink.
"Ok, give me a kiss and I'll tuck you in when I come up in a bit," my heart jumped out of my chest and flopped onto the floor before him.

I kissed him and left the room. I couldn't remind him, I couldn't bring myself to say 'uh...spanking' I just couldn't embarrass myself like that again. It's just a script he's trying to read from...I know that....I have to keep reminding myself that or he will surely crush me. It's best to forget all of this but he won't. He insists it can work, that he wants it to work.

...and I want it now!

2010-06-16T07:15:00.003-05:00

I want a spanking!!!! I want to be tossed over his knee, skirt yanked up around my waist, panties ripped down to my thighs and thoroughly spanked! I want to feel the strength of his arm holding me in place as he wraps it around my waist, trying to contain my wiggling form. I want to feel the hot sting of his harsh hand on my bare bottom. I want to wait in anticipation for the next blow as he gently rests his spanking hand on my fiery rear to spend a moment lecturing me, laying down the law, giving structure to an otherwise chaotic situation.

It is what I want and quite simply what I need. I will not ask for it, I dare not ask for it, I will simply sit in my chair today at work and fantasize about all of the different things a man can say to send me into such a frenzy of arousal and desire.

Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times

2010-06-08T05:03:00.004-05:00

If I ever questioned my submissive side, I don't now. The past two weeks have been horrible.

I had a lot of trouble doing the things I used to do for him. It's actually annoying, really. Little things that he likes (like a back scratch or a foot rub) are really hard for me to do because I start to think about how much I enjoyed doing them with a "submissive mind".

You might wonder why I can't do these things just because they please him and isn't that one of the submissive traits, to do things for his pleasure? Or because he's my husband and even a vanilla wife will do these things for her man. The answer is simple. When I do these little acts it reminds me that he doesn't want me in that capacity and it makes me feel like he wants all the servicing but none of the responsibility.

Sex has lost it's appeal, dramatically to me. I feel ugly, sad, lonely and all around miserable. I couldn't even put my skirts on anymore....isn't that just pathetic? I felt like a fake getting dressed the same way or doing the same things as before. I can not submit to someone who does not care one way or the other if I do or not. The whole "submit to him and he will lead" philosophy isn't going to work here.

I'm not angry at him. There's really nothing to be angry about, I can't force him to be something that he clearly isn't any more than I force myself to be something that I am most assuredly not. I'm angry at myself a little though. If I had really thought about all of this at the very beginning, many many years ago, I would have seen that he's not the type of guy to take responsibility for someone else (other than his kids, he's a great dad).

We did talk on Saturday night. TJ said that not having a marriage where he is the HOH isn't going to work for us. He said that my attitude lately has been getting out of hand. I was a little shocked because I was trying really hard not to give any attitude towards him. We talked and talked and he agreed that what I want out of our marriage is not what he wants.

"Why can't it be enough that I'm the man of the house and I will put my foot down when it needs to be," he asked me. He just doesn't understand. "It works great when it's working. Then you start pushing for more, and too fast, and then we end up all confused,"

It's not fair to ask him to give more than he wants to or can. I guess there is a small light in the darkness. When I first brought all of this up to him (years ago) he was repulsed by the very idea of spanking me for anything other than foreplay. Now he refuses to stop spanking me at all. Maybe in another decade he will be able to give me more...

We are not splitting up, although I won't lie and say it didn't come up. TJ said that for now we will start again, he will be the HOH and I will not be. I don't know what I am....not what I want to be, that much I know. He said that we don't talk enough (although he complained a few weeks ago that we talked too much) and that we let things get too messy before we talk about them. So every Sunday night we are going to set an hour aside and talk just about "this".

What does all this mean? I have no idea. I think I still can get spanked if I piss him off too much, cos I asked him "So I don't have to be spanked anymore?" and he said "Uh. No. You have gotten me used to that. I like that part of this. That won't ever go away."

I thrive on structure and schedules and TJ thrives on spontaneity and adventure. I don't see how we will make this work and I am still full of miserable feelings and thoughts. Because I want nothing more than to belong to him in more ways than simply being his wife...and that won't change, but he assures me we will make it work.

And so the rollar coaster begins again, a very slow steep climb up to the first drop....

Going Silent

2010-05-22T06:31:00.005-05:00

I wonder if there is a switch inside of me that I can flip and make this all go away. Can I ignore this part of me, this urge I have to be what I crave to be? Well....I shall find out.

I haven't spoken to TJ about any of this and I don't plan to. He told me the other day we were going to talk about "this" part of our relationship, because of a comment I had made. It wasn't going to be a spanking or anything like that, he just wanted to talk about it. it wasn't a disrespectful comment or anything that would get me into trouble, just a general comment. That was three days ago. I did mention it to him that night after the kids were in bed and he kinda sighed in that way men sigh when they are about to be tortured with another talk about feelings. I didn't push the issue, he was the one who wanted to talk about it, I just got my soda and waited. He turned the TV on and forgot all about me being there. I let it go.

TJ told me once, not too long ago. "We talk about this all the time." I had shut down during that conversation because I didn't want to be overbearing to him. He assured me quickly, when he saw how hurt that comment made me, that it was fine, he didn't mind. However, I still remember it. The tone, the expression he had, the exasperation I saw in him. I don't bring it up to him anymore.

I'm tired, I'm just so damn tired. I can't force him to be the Dom I want. I can't force him to take control of things. He said to me a little while ago that we would find a way to make this all work, he just needed to find out how to do it so that he didn't sound fake. (because he's faking it) I told him that it was fine, not to worry, that we can just forget it. "Sure, and in five years when your 'working late' every night, what then?"

"You think I'd cheat on you?" I asked, somewhat shocked.
"Yeah, if your not getting what you need at home," he nodded.

So there you have it. He is faking what little dominance he shows because he is afraid that I will cheat on him with a real Dom.

Not only have I been trying to submit to someone who could care less about it, I know now that I have made a complete fool of myself because he was just play acting. Maybe not every time, but the majority of it.

So...I've decided to bury this need of mine. I'm taking some time off, I'm going to stay away from the blogs, the boards, the chats for a week and see how it goes, maybe two weeks. I'm no longer being the 'submissive' at home. I don't serve TJ anymore. I don't sleep nude anymore and I don't do things I'm not in the mood for anymore, just to please him. He was really shocked when I said, "No," to something he told me to do in bed, but he didn't force the issue or even comment, he just chose a different thing to do.

I haven't posted a lot of what's been going on because I wanted the good/bad/good/bad roller coaster to settle down, but I don't think that's going to happen.

Anyway, I'm signing off for a little while.

The Good and The Bad....

2010-05-18T07:49:00.003-05:00

The good:

I have received a promotion. The office manager is moving and I have been moved up into her position, or will be when she leaves at the end of this week. I am excited about the new challenge and am absolutely terrified of it. I'm entering a bit of a mess, really. One employee just broke her arm and will be out of work for a month, another is on the brink of being terminated, and I have to hire a part time receptionist this week (who will replace the fired employee once she's been fired). Along with a few other little fires that need to be put out, but I'm planning on taking things one day at a time.

I worry about how this will change things here at home. Can I be "boss" at work and "submissive" at home? How do I transform that quickly as I walk into the house? Will I be able to? Things are shaky at home with the D/s dynamic as it is, will this clinch the deal and kill it all together?

The bad:
I had a horrible spanking the other night. It was completely warranted, I poked the bear and the bear bit hard!

TJ had asked me to write him a letter a week ago about what I was thinking. I did. He didn't read it. One of the things I mentioned in the letter was that sometimes I feel as though he loves the benefits of being the Dom/HOH/whatever but doesn't want to put any effort into it other than getting his way, being served, and serviced by me. So when he didn't read the letter, when he couldn't be bothered to read the 4 paragraphs he asked me to write...i got cheeky. I didn't really do it intentionally, the attitude that is. The directly disobeying him...yeah..I did that on purpose.

How childish! How unsubmissive! I agree.

I mentioned that I wanted to get some icecream from the freezer and he said "No, no more ice cream today," (cos he let me have a small bowl after lunch). I shrugged in response. An hour later, after the kids were in bed, I sat down with my frosty treat to watch a movie.

"How's the ice cream?" he asked in a strained tone. I smiled and said it was great. Poke, Poke, Poke. "When your movie is over I want to speak with you,"

"Uh, huh," poke!

The hairbrush and I did more talking than TJ did, of that I am sure. Although I did hear him say things like, "You don't roll your eyes at me!" (I don't remember doing it, but I'm sure I did) and "I can't believe you ate that ice cream right in front of my face!"

In the end I did tell him I was upset about the letter, and he explained that it was no excuse for my behavior (which I already knew). He has since read the letter and we chatted very briefly about it. It wasn't a big deal really, and I handled the whole thing like a ninny.

2010-05-07T08:08:00.002-05:00

I hate dowel rods. I think they should all be gathered up and burned.

TJ decided to use the damnable thing last night for my punishment. (I didn't pay the cell phone bill again and our phones got shut off for the second month in a row...I assure you I had a good explanation...)

TJ has started to do this thing during a spanking that is way too much for me. He uses my anticipation against me. He will swing his arm back and act as though he is going to deliver the blow and then doesn't, he repeats this action a few times so that I never know when it's going to land. I HATE this because I think it totally screws up my mindset. I'm so focused on what he's doing that I'm not thinking about anything else. And I think it's just kinda mean, there's no purpose to it other than to screw with my head.

Anyway, he was doing this last night and finally I couldn't take it and I hopped out of the way and tried to catch my breath. He got upset and told me to just go to bed "I'm done with you," he said. I apologized and tried to talk to him about it. "How does this work if you pick the punishment," he asked because I was reminding him that he had agreed only to use the dowel rod for a severe punishment. "Get back over there and pull your pants down," he finally said when I asked him if he would finish up.

He grabbed his belt and finished up. I think he gave harder swats to prove his point, but I took them as well as I could, I didn't move out of position.

"This is to remind you who decides when the punishment is over!" he placed a hand on my shoulder and delivered two very hard lashes of the belt across my bare bottom.

I tried to talk to him this morning about the mind games but he just said we didn't have time and we could talk about it tonight.

Here's my dilemma. If I do talk with him about this, is it me controlling the punishment? I mean I don't see any benefit to this 'technique'. It's a HUGE distraction for me and all it does is make me afraid, and what's the point of fear in this setting?

Expectations

2010-05-04T08:17:00.000-05:00

I thrive on structure. When the day is well organized and scheduled, it will all go very smoothly. If there are rules for me to follow, I am very happy and calm. When there is no schedule or no rules or guidelines I get lost.

Maybe, as an adult woman, I shouldn't need so much structure or I should be able to create it for myself. For the most part, I do. I schedule my days, have my lists of things to get done each day, and for the most part it works well. I've taken on a few "rules" for myself and they are going OK, but I'm really only accountable to myself. I'm finding that because I'm not accountable to Him for these things I'm not all that content with it.

There are a few rules that he has set for me and I follow them pretty well. These other rules are just a few things I wanted to change in our relationship, and although he loves the changes they aren't something he would have ever set into motion himself. I am enjoying the changes, mostly because they make him happy and my mindset is more focused on my submission.

What is bothering me or rather what is on my mind currently is... I'm not accountable to him for these new rules. If I were to decide tomorrow to forget about them they would just fade away into the distance. He might ask "What happened to.." and I might reply with "Oh, I decided not to do that anymore," and he probably would shrug and say "Oh. Ok,"

I won't be abandoning my new little rules, like I said he's enjoying them, but the fact that I'm not accountable to him for them is irking me.

Another thing that's bugging me is expectations. I feel that he expects very little from me, which I suppose might be a good thing but as I said earlier, I thrive on structure, goals, rules, schedules.

I'm almost done with my online course and I took the last quiz (the final is next week...cross your fingers for me) the other night and got an 88%. I was happy to have passed the quiz because I was having a hard time with this particular chapter, and TJ was glad that it was over for me as well, since he's been listening me curse and groan over this material. We started talking about my grade and I said at this point I didn't think I'd be able to pull an A in the class but my B is very solid. He went on to say that in college the grade doesn't matter, just pass the class, get the degree. My heart sank to my feet.

"To me it matters. To do the very best I can do matters," I said to him and he did agree with me but said not to stress the A or B, just to pass the course.

"I really wish you expected more out of me," I responded and changed the subject.

Sometimes I take the fact that he doesn't expect much to mean that he doesn't think I could do much. As if I would let him down and so he just won't expect it to begin with. I know that this tendency of his isn't a result of our relationship, but of other things in his past, however it's starting to get to me.

I would love for him to set a goal for me, something for me (or us) to work towards (non-sexually or sexually); but for now I will set my goals and work towards them on my own. I don't need him to schedule my days or make every little deicison for me, that would drive us both nuts within a day. What I would love, would make my heart swell is if he picked one thing, one tiny thing, and took charge of it.

For now, I will take what I'm getting from him and I'll keep working on me.

2010-05-01T08:26:00.003-05:00

I wrote a post last night about TJ and myself that, although very honest, wasn't very nice. I have deleted it. I am having a hard time with my relationship with TJ and it's not fair to publicize what I've told him in private when he has no venue to defend his position. He has assured me that what needs to be worked on will be worked on...and to be honest I don't know what will happen.

Nothing horrible happened, he didn't cheat on me or anything like that, it's just a dependability issue. Anyway, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best, no matter what happens. In the meantime the spanking will continue, the D/s relationship will sloooooooowly evolve or it will dissolve... this is all just one huge roller coaster ride and I have to hold on for dear life and wait for the ride to calm.

The one thing that has not changed is that we love each other and we've worked through worse situations, so I'm confident that we will work this all out just fine. I'm thinking a date night might be in order...it's been a really long time since we've had one.

Maybe I just need a good sorting out. I feel rather lost at the moment, in regards to D/s, and i feel like I have no where to really turn...this feeling coupled with the other stuff has left me feeling a bit down, but I'm keeping my chin up and my skirts on!

Hum drum..

2010-04-28T21:36:00.003-05:00

I am in a really crappy mood today. I can't justify it at all, I'm just in a bad mood.

I think I tried to do too many things today.. work, school, open house at 6yr olds school, cut lawn, do a load of laundry, write, bathe children. Because I cut the grass after work I didn't change in my skirt instead I opted to put on some jeans..and I have to admit I felt different. I didn't feel very girly, even though I was still wearing my jewelry and a really nice t-shirt, I just felt more empowered...but not in a good way, like in a take charge, get out of my way - way... but that has to be a very silly thing...for my clothing to ruin my mood?

No..I'm gonna say it's because I did too much today and haven't had a second alone with TJ today. That's what it is. I've been such a grouch today with him I'm sure he's upstairs in his tub grateful to be away from me.

I got a spanking the other night. Apparently TJ doesn't think my new sandals were a necessary purchase. You know...that was the first time I have been spanked for my spending money on something frivolous. I had also bought new panties recently and he noticed them while I was laying over his lap.

"These are nice panties....now you'll have to pay for them..." he said as he switched from using his hand to the wooden frat paddle. YUCK.

It wasn't horrible..well at the time it stung like the very hell from whence that damn thing came...but afterward, the sting went right away...I think he's out of practice...he's forgotten that a longer spanking leaves a longer impression...but I won't be reminding him.

She should be....

2010-04-27T07:46:00.003-05:00

Some qualities a submissive should have (remember, these are just things in my head and really shouldn't be taken as anything other than frivolous thinking and not some hard line rule for anyone)

1. Have the want/need to be obedient. I remember when I was first starting to find my interest in all of this submission stuff, I wanted nothing more than for someone to make me obey them. Because, you see, if he made me than it wasn't my fault that I was being obedient. It would be okay to shed the feminist ideals and follow a man's lead, it would be his doing, not my own. Obviously, that isn't the way to go. When a woman offers her submission freely and with the true desire to be led and to be submissive to the man she loves, it makes for a much more fertile garden for their relationship to grow.

2. Be Open to suggestions/demands. She has to be open to learning new things. Not just sexually, he may want his shirts ironed a different way than she is used to doing. She needs to be able to accept that her way isn't the only way, and most likely won't be the right way if he says it's not.

3. Be strong. Some people misconstrue being submissive with being a doormat. A recently had a conversation with someone about me being submissive and she just kept shaking her head and saying "I just don't see you as being submissive," and I explained that my submission to TJ did not mean that I did know what I want or that I was not willing to ask or even demand for what I need. The submissive woman can not have the mindset that she is "less than" her Dom/Husband/Master/ Etc.. she is just as important, she is just as wonderful. Her needs have a place, too in the relationship and if they aren't met the relationship will end. (Just like in a vanilla relationship) So the submissive woman needs to be able to respectfully put her foot down and say "This is what I need out of this relationship..." and as long as it is done with respect I think any Top would be able to handle it. Being strong doesn't mean being overbearing and nagging, it means being able to express your needs and wants...and being a submissive also means understanding the difference between wants and needs.

4. Trustworthy. As with any relationship, there has to be trust and dependability. If he can't spank her for being naughty without worrying that she's gonna call the cops on him...the relationship is going to suffer. If she throws his dominance in his face when she gets a little upset with him and makes idle threats of leaving or turning him in for "abuse" than there will definitely be issues and the relationship will go no where and real quick.

Here's a mistake I made the other day that TJ brought my attention to, I didn't really realize what I had been doing...

TJ and I had a little quibble kind of serious but fixable...anyway...in the middle of our chat he reached over and starting touching me. This usually means he's done with the conversation and wants to move on to make up time. I explained that I wasn't really in the mood and he said "So?"

"You can't just use me!" I blurted out...a small attempt at playing hard to get.
"Don't do that. You can't say that. Cos then when I do try to, I feel guilty and you get upset if I never do,"

He got me there. Even though I wasn't really meaning it, I was just teasing him a bit, because I wanted to be conquered at the moment...it sends messy signals. So..I apologized and well.... he got his. WEG

He needs to be..

2010-04-24T22:35:00.002-05:00

The Dominant, HOH, Top, Master or whatever name you have chosen for the head honcho in the relationship, needs to have a few qualities...

1. Dependable. He can't go around making idle promises or threats. If he says he's going to do something he has to do it. Even (almost especially) the trivial things. She needs to know that he's taking care of her even in the non sexual, non spanking ways. If she has to constantly worry about "did he pay the water bill?" "Did he take the trash out, it's pick up day" "Did he remember to get the kids from school today..." etc... how can she relinquish control? Now, this is not to say that he can't be human...everyone forgets trash day now and then...and who hasn't forgotten to mail a bill once in a while...but the majority of the time..if he said he's gonna do it...he better do it.

2. Sturdy. He can't be wishy washy. If he has a preference..state it and stand by it. Don't piddle around the bush... "Uh..I dunno...maybe...well...what do you think?" NO. If he likes his woman shaved, just say it. If he wants her to call before she leaves work so that he knows to expect her home, tell her!

3. Unmoved but reasonable. When his lady is out of line he needs to be unmoved by her "excuses", while being reasonable in his expectations.

4. Trustworthy. This is an absolute MUST for any relationship, as far as I'm concerned, but even more so when DD or D/s or M/s is involved. If you don't trust the man holding the paddle, step away and rethink the situation. This also goes hand in hand with #1. If you can't depend on him, trusting him is a very hard thing to do. There is so much more to D/s than sex and if he can't take care of things for normal day to day things, how can you trust him with your being, your heart and your soul?

These are just things that have been floating around my head today. I might think up a list of qualities she should have...

It's what you crave

2010-04-20T10:01:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I posted about wanting a spanking or at least I fantasized a bit about it. Today, while I was walking this morning I put more thought to it.

I crave to feel his dominance. That is really what I want, and when he is spanking me I can feel it, it's tangible at that moment. It's unmistakable during that time who is the dominant person and who is not, no reason to believe that I'm in control what so ever.

I've done my best to simply focus on my submission, to obey, to serve, to follow rules (Even rules he really doesn't give a hoot about) and it's going okay. He's thrilled to his toes and I am happy on some level, too. But, as I was walking this morning and planning my day in my head..it occurred to me that by focusing only on me...am I in more control now than before?

He dictates nothing. I'm following my own routine, my own rules (along with the few he has set) and go along submitting to him in my way. He's had really no participation in this...and that's what I had set out to do, with the hope that he will jump in the boat with me at some point. I'm not complaining...or at least that isn't really my intention...and I do not plan on deviating from this behavior. But I'm craving his dominance as much as one craves chocolate. I need to feel it, to touch it, to hear it, to see it. Some sign that he truly is the one in control around here and it isn't just me "playing the submissive".

I am feeling frustrated and lonely today, but it will pass, it always does.

In need of a cold shower

2010-04-19T18:05:00.004-05:00

I recently commented on a post by Poppy that I don't think I liked gg spankings.. actaully...let me find my response...one sec while I dig...ok, got it... here it is

"I used to crave good girl spankings, at times I still think I would like one. However, whenever TJ has obliged me.... I never came out of it all warm and fuzzy, I usually came out sulking and a bit bitter. Perhaps because I wasn't looking for a spanking but more of a fondling of sorts. Hmm...now I have to re-think this whole thing."

And I still stand by this response, but it's been so damn long since I've gotten a spanking I'm wondering if maybe I should give it another go. I surely don't want a punishment, although I feel loved and cared for afterwards, there's always the dark cloud hanging over the whole thing. I don't even want the pain of a spanking...

I think what I am craving today, and have have been for several days, is a reminder of who and what we are to each other. The intimacy of it, the feel of his knees beneath my belly as I lay over his lap on the couch and he begins to gently rub his hand over my bottom. The soft caress he may give me, the tracing of my bum with his fingertips, and the warm slaps of the flat of his hand against the bare skin of my backside. The warmth that spreads evenly and eventually turns into a heat that is near to unbearable, but not entirely so.

The small breaks he takes to remind me that he's in charge and that I am his wife and will obey his will and law. The loving strokes he gives while he explains that when I am naughty, he will correct my behavior and that he will not tolerate any attitude from me. He reminds me of the rules and maybe even adds one or two, something new he wants to add to our marriage to this dynamic of ours.

When it's over my skin is red and glowing and he can barely stand the wait until we get up the stairs to our bedroom and he can feel the heat of my bottom against him as he...... yes...it's been far too long!

Small changes

2010-04-18T09:17:00.002-05:00

Asking TJ his opinion about things has always been something that I did, it was listening to his opinion that I have had trouble doing! I would ask him which shirt he thought was best, he'd answer and sometimes I'd listen and sometimes I'd over rule him.

No more!

Now when I ask him his opinion, his opinion becomes law...at least to me. I am in dire need of new shoes to match all the nice skirts I have obtained lately. TJ didn't feel like going to the store with me, as we had already spent several hours running errands with the kids, so I browsed online first before I headed out. I showed him several pair of shoes I thought were cute and he said no to about 3/4s of them. One pair he said he didn't care for were really cute and I kinda was hoping he'd like them..but...I closed the window anyway. Having in my head the three pairs he and I agreed on I went to the store to try them on. They looked wonderful but the store didn't have the colors I wanted so I ended up not getting anything.

This morning, I came down to the kitchen already dressed for the day and I asked him if the skirt looked ok..it's a bit old and I wanted to make sure it wasn't faded. He said he liked the outfit and said "You do need new shoes."

To everyone else, this may be nothing. So he made a comment about my shoes, so what? He had an opinion and he expressed it without me prodding him for it.

Yesterday as I was making dinner, I had on my apron (just like he likes) and he said "Oh! We should have picked you up a new apron while we were out this morning," (cos my apron is 11 yrs old, yellow with red hot peppers all over it...it was a wedding gift...) When I went out for shoe shopping I also browsed for aprons... I found not a single apron at the two stores I went to, so back to the web and have found a very pretty apron that I am hoping to purchase.

TJ looked at me this morning and shook his head smiling at me. When I asked him what he was laughing about he said "It took 30 years, but you are finally a girl!" and I just grinned back at him.

"Would you like to slip into my sweat pants and your old flannel shirts?" and he shook his head no, then pinched my bottom...saying something about easy access and skirts.

Which brings me to the best advantage of wearing a skirt/dress, to some I was simply sitting on TJ's lap in the living room...the truth...well.... *GRIN*

Seriously...I need to take a seminar on titles!

2010-04-16T23:07:00.002-05:00

This past week has been a busy week...as are most weeks around here. TJ has been playfully swatting me for days. This morning he swatted my bottom so hard it took a few seconds for me to catch my breath from the shock of it. (He was awfully proud of himself!)

He started playing around with the a wooden dowel rod that he found in the bedroom behind the door and was eyeing me with it.

"You are really aching to spank my bottom!" I accused him.

"Yes! It's been a while and I'm not used to it," he swooshed the thing through the air a few times for effect and put it away. Thankfully! I am not sure what it was doing up in our room and I have plans to go back up there and hide it..or throw it away.

I'm half tempted just to screw up a little so that he can get the spanking out of his system. I've mentioned that he can give a spanking just to give a spanking but he doesn't seem to keen on that idea. But if something doesn't happen soon, his playful swats are going to be leaving quite a bruise!

In all seriousness, I'm glad that I haven't earned a spanking in a while. I've been mostly very relaxed these past few weeks. I'm starting to see that when I back off, he steps up. I have to trust more and take more risks. I've always thought that I was vulnerable with TJ...but not as vulnerable as I should be. He's going to mess up, and I'm going to mess up but to continue guarding myself from his screw ups only keeps me in control of things that I don't want to be in control of.

One little thing at a time.

Goals during sex.

2010-04-13T09:00:00.002-05:00

The other night TJ was feeling frisky, and me being the obedient wife that I am, would never say no. Ok, that was supposed to be sarcastic, but it is true. I have only told him "no" for sex one time in our marriage. It's not that I'm always in the mood, well...ok...if I'm not at the beginning I can get there pretty quick...but that's not the real reason I don't say "no".

I don't turn him down because I don't have a good reason to. I mean it's fun, it's intimate, it isn't exactly hard work... there really is no good reason...well..ok..illness would be a good reason but not a "headache" reason, I mean like an actual illness. In which case he wouldn't ask for it anyway. I'm digressing again...

So back to the other night. TJ gets into bed, but suddenly remembers something and has to hop back out to handle whatever it was. As he ducked out of the bedroom he said "Don't go to sleep, I'll be back in 5 minutes. I have plans for you," So..I didn't fall asleep and his plans...well..he had sex on the brain.

Towards the end I let him know that I was where near "the end" and he didn't have to wait for me. (Sexy talk..I know) He asked me if I wanted him to 'use me' to which I answered in the affirmative...he needed no further encouragement.

Afterwards, when we where laying in bed, I asked him if he thought it was odd that I could get just as much satisfaction without having an orgasm as I did having one. I don't remember his exact words but basically he said that it depended on what you were looking to get out of sex.

I enjoy sex with TJ because I love him, it's something I only do with him, it's an expression of our passion for each other, and there's the physical fun stuff too! I don't need to orgasm (Although, I do not like it when he forbids me to) in order to enjoy the activity as long as he enjoyed himself. The ending is really just the icing on the cake, I still enjoy the cake even if I don't get to east the frosting. Does this make any sense to anyone other than me?

I'm not saying I don't love the ending I do, and TJ loves when I get there. But it's not an essential part of the equation for me. I want to please him, and if I do that than I am pleased. If I orgasm, even more of a smile will cross his lips (Unless he's being mean and won't let me...which really isn't very often).

I don't want to give the impression that he doesn't care if I finish or not...he does. He doesn't withold them from me unless he has a reason, generally he wants me to. It has taken a long time to get him to understand that even though I love to "finish" it's not always the "goal" for me. The goal is to please him, and in doing so, I will please myself....and if I only wanted the "goal"...I'd just please myself anyway WEG.

I've not talked about sex really on here that much, but I just wanted to work it out in my head. I've always loved sex and I always will...and sometimes I think I'm the only woman in the world who thinks it's just fine not to orgasm.

A friend at work complains that her husband is always bugging her for sex. She says she feels bad because the man has to beg and plead for her to let him have sex with her, and eventually she gives in. When I asked her what the big deal was, just have sex, it's not like it's going to take hours upon hours, just give him some, she responds with "I'm so tired," or "I don't feel like it". When I suggested she just give it up for him and not require a finish line for herself she gave me the oddest look.

I don't make that suggestion anymore in public.

A struggle

2010-04-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

I am doing my best to turn my focus on to my own self. How I behave and how I react to others behavior, and I'm not doing all that bad. It's just this one tiny area I'm having a really hard time with.

TJ has accepted responsibility for something...signing the kids up for a program at the park, and I am doing my very best to back off, not to get in his way, or nag. I am trying very hard to either cheer his success or... well...that's where I'm stuck.

Should he not succeed. Should he do the usual thing he does, and completely forget. What do I do then? I have every intention of doing nothing to rectify the situation. This ball is in his hands and should he drop it...it will either be him that picks it up or it will simply roll away on the ground. I will not swoop in and fix it; it will stay broken. And it sucks for the kids because there is a chance they won't get signed up for this particular program. (Though, I'm pretty sure they have long forgotten about it) But how do I react?

Well, I know how I will react..I will get angry, disappointed, feel let down, annoyed, frustrated...etc. The question really is what will I do? Will I yell? Will I point out that once again he has not done something he promised me he would take care of? Will I cry? Will I pout? Will I scream and bang my fists on the table? Or will I simply let it go and hope he takes the next opportunity to step up and be the responsible man I know he can be?

To be honest I don't know what I will do. I have asked him a few times if he knew when the program started and each time he has said "Oh crap! I need to do that tonight!". I haven't pressured him, I haven't rolled my eyes, I've simply said "Well, let me know. I think it runs on Saturdays and I want to make sure I'm not working that day so I can be there for the first day,"

I'll be honest, again, and say I got frustrated with it and finally looked it up to see when the first day is, I'm not working and if he gets them signed up it will be a great day.

I am hoping that I can simply point out to him that he didn't do it and that I will be respectful and let it go... actually, I'm hoping he does it and proves me wrong for having all this anxiety about it. He said he'll do it. I have to trust that he is going to do it! He will do it!

He'll do it....he'll do it...he'll do it. And if he doesn't...I will be good. I will not scream and yell and have a fit. I will simply let it go...but I will NOT fix it. It just won't get done. Focus on me...focus on my reaction...

Do I sound like a broken self help book?

Clothing.

2010-04-11T06:44:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, I talked briefly about the change of clothing. I have put away my jeans and sweats and replaced them with skirts and a dress. At first I did this simply at a suggestion from another woman, not really thinking it would make that much of a difference. Wow! I was wrong! Taking off my scrubs and slipping into a skirt really does transform my mindset. I can't really say that I feel more "subbie" when I have a skirt on...well...maybe that is a good way to say it. I do know that I feel much more feminine. I do feel more soft natured and am way more mindful of who and what I am. I know...seems kinda silly to get all those feelings simply by donning a skirt; however that's how it's been. I walk slower, sway my hips a bit more, and am more conscience of my posture. Cos, if you are going to wear a pretty skirt and a nice top you need to make sure you aren't popping out of places you don't want to be popping out of. And really....what's the point of a nice outfit if you are all wrinkled and have mustard stains on your shirt? I put on makeup every day now. I used to put on make up one day and even though I washed my face, there seemed to always be a little left behind. So I could put on mascara and eyeliner on Monday and wouldn't really need to re-apply until Wed or Thursday..I know...not the most girlish behavior. Now, I make sure I have washed all of the makeup off each day and re-apply a fresh face. I only wear eye liner and mascara..maybe some eyeshadow so it's not that big of a deal to do it daily, I have learned. TJ doesn't like tons of make up...so I don't do the full face thing...I don't think I would know how, anyway. I've also started wearing a necklace and earrings every day. I'm telling you, all of these things have really got my mind in a better place...which is just kinda silly to me. To look better is to feel better?? I've always believed that the clothing does not make the person...perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps, I was wrong about a lot of things.

Hi there.....

2010-04-10T21:07:00.003-05:00

I have had so many things I've wanted to blog about this past week, but haven't had a second to do so. Things are starting to go well, things are starting to look up...I think. You know me, this week it's all sunshine and next week it's all gloom.

I've started getting up at 5 am each morning and going for a long walk. Amazing! I have felt more energy and my days are so much more upbeat, and I get to think. I've been thinking a lot about my submission to TJ. There are still a few things about TJ that worry me or rather piss me off, but when compared to the other wonderful things, it's not that huge of a deal...at the moment, anyway. Anyway, what I've been thinking about is the difference between submission and subservience.

I do enjoy getting TJ a cup of tea, doing his laundry, and even making his lunch (when time permits) but I do not do these things because I'm the submissive one. I do these things because I enjoy doing it. I've made it a point this week of getting him a glass of water when he gets home from work. Not because he has asked me to or that he expects is, but because I know that's the first thing he does when he gets home, so I've just taken it upon myself to get the glass of water and place it on the counter for him. He hasn't really commented on it other than to be surprised and give me a thanks, and a kiss. At first I worried that I was starting to get into a mode of "serving" him that was going to make me feel uneasy. However, it hasn't happened.

I don't do the little things for him because he requires it, I do them because I love the smile on his face when I do. The warm kiss he gives me when I bring him a cup of tea in the evening is worth the two seconds it takes to put the tea bag in the cup with some hot water. I have also found that the more little things I do for him, the more little things he does for me. He is more affectionate, more loving, and he will offer to help with things I would normally just take care of.

I used to want him to make me a list of things to do. A "rule" list. Now, I just figure...if I want to bring him his tea each night...do it. Why make him make me? If I want to have a glass of water ready for him when he gets home...do it. No need to wait for a "command", I know it will make him happy, and isn't that the goal? To make each other happy? Maybe this doesn't really fall under the "submissive" category...perhaps more under the "just being nice" category. And, I'm working on not expecting things back in return... working on it.... LOL

The skirts I mentioned previously.

I have stuck to it. I have worn a skirt or dress every day this week, except for at work cos I have to wear scrubs. TJ has commented on it. He is also enjoying my new habit of sleeping in the buff.

The more submissive I behave the more Dominant he behaves. Even for subtle little things.

The other night I came home from work (12 hr shift) and my phone rang just as I walked in the door, it was my sister. I answered the call and started to put my purse down and get my coat off, TJ didn't say anything, just walked out of the room. I coudl tell he wasn't all that thrilled though.

A little while later, after I had given him a kiss goodnight and started to head up stairs, he called me back.

"Hey, when you walk in the door, you don't answer your phone. You kiss me hello and talk to me, you can call back who ever is calling. You haven't seen me all day and I had to wait until you were done on the phone to even get a kiss." And he said all seductively dommish. I just stared at him a second before nodding my head. He kissed me again and sent me off to bed with a pinch to my bottom.

So, things have been crazy here with work, the kids, and getting a paper for my class written, but things are also good. Not great, yet, but I can only work on me...and I am hard work!

I hate making up titles

2010-04-04T21:10:00.005-05:00

It was a good day. I was able to keep myself not only out of trouble, but in a good (exhausted but good) mood all day long. My diet is completely blown for today, but I will get back on track first thing in the morning!

TJ did not forget about me last night. As soon as I logged off of here I went to tell him good night and he said "Don't go trying to sneak away...come in here," and he cleared the usual spot for me to stand. I did as good of a job as I could standing still for him as he spanked me with his belt (his favorite thing lately is to use his belt...I hate the damn belt). I did move a few times, but I got right back into place. I went into the spanking with the mindset that I had earned it, I had asked for it, and that I was going to do my best to take it with grace...and I did. I went to bed calm and relaxed and I think he was happy with me. He didn't say it, and maybe he didn't even notice my effort..but i noticed it and I also noticed at how much more positive the experience was for me because of it.

I didn't have any residual guilt or irritation that I sometimes get after a spanking. I think that's because when I go into with the "just get it over with" mentality it leaves a sour aftertaste, but when I go in with my heart open and my mind focused, I come out with such a warmth and calm sensation it's hard to describe.

I don't plan on earning any more punishments for a while and i have a new goal in mind. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping for some new clothes, with TJ's permission of course. I am going to try dressing more "feminine", TJ loves me in jeans and t-shirts but he also loves to see the softer side of me. So, to the store I go...I loathe clothes shopping but it's only a few skirts, how hard can that be?

Another day and another dollar..

2010-04-03T22:54:00.006-05:00

Ok, fine...I give up. I can not simply ignore this part of me. I know it's only been a few days, but I can't fathom just leaving it all behind and never looking back at it. So. That said. I think this blog is going to change a bit. I think it's going to become more about me and less about "TJ and me". At least, that's my intent.

I am going to start thinking about my submission and less about his domination. Yes. That sounds like a good idea. I have a feeling that if I truly submit, if I give it my all even when I think he's not watching...he'll start watching.

I know..I know...I shot down that theory in my last post..but hey, i've changed my mind (again!). This afternoon I was cooking (An awesome dinner of schnitzel and spatzel) and with the flour starting to fly I rembered TJ telling me long ago that I should wear my apron when I'm cooking. I can not tell you how many shirts I have ruined by not doing so. I instantly went and grabbed the apron that hangs in the laundry room. TJ was really happy to see me wearing it when he came in from the back yard. He commented on how much he loved to see me wearing it...so I shall be wearing it each time I cook....just cos he likes it. I know..big deal..but to me it's a small step in the right direction.

I tried really hard today to be in a submissive mind frame; however, the five trips to the grocery store and several easter things to do got to the better of me. I started to snap and at one point TJ marched over to me and swatted my backside hard. I quieted down a bit and said "I'm having a bad day," and he agreed. A few minutes later he said we'd be having a "refresher" this evening.

I commented that I thought we weren't doing "That" anymore. He laughed and asked where I got a crazy idea like that. I said "Well, I told you...I said a few days ago.." and he laughed harder.

"We are still doing that. You don't get to just turn it off," and he walked out still smiling to himself. So, who knows what will transpire. I'm not really even caring if it actually happens, just that he said that was enough to calm me down and get my head back on straight. And, if he actually does remember...I'll take what he dishes out with as much grace as I can muster. Should he forget...well...I'll just go to bed and hope tomorrow is a better day.

No more giving up. No more pretending like I can just flip a switch and ignore a side of me that isn't going to go away. No more!

On a fun note. libby over at a submissive's musings was kind enough to bestow upon me a beautiful blogger award. Thank you libby, you have been more help to me than you may know. I believe I am now supposed to pass it on to three more bloggers. So here they are.

Katia, because she is such a warm and wonderful person that you can't help but become friends with her. She is a talented writer as well as a good friend.

Hermoine, because her blog just gives me the smiles I need on the days I need them the most.

Poppy, because I admire her writing very much. I hope one day to have one drop of the talent that she has, and what she has to say is just as wonderful as the way she says it!

Well there ya go... Now....I'm off to finish making the easter cake and then who knows...

"Don't cry because it's over....smile because it happened" - Dr. Suess

2010-04-01T06:31:00.004-05:00

I have no more vacation time coming to me until June so there will be no day together that TJ would have liked. Oh well.

I was thinking about submission this morning. I know that some will say if you submit to him he will lead. I am no longer sure that's true. Perhaps in some cases, maybe sometimes that works. However, I don't think that's the case all the time. If you submit to someone who really could care less if you do...is there any actual gratification from it?

TJ has no idea what power he holds and therefore he is useless with it. I don't say that to be disrespectful, I truly don't. I have come to the conclusion that this isn't going to work with us. It just isn't. And I'm starting to be OK with that. Starting to be OK.. not yet but I'm getting there.

To me submitting to someone who is oblivious to it is a waste of energy and it hurts. When I'm doing the things that make him happy (household stuff, taking care of him, and sexual stuff) and he's not participating, or he's reaping the benefits but not putting any energy towards being the Dominant partner I feel taken advantage of, not submissive. Maybe I'm submitting for the wrong reasons... I don't know. But, at this point it doesn't really matter.

This won't end us. I am still in love with him, this doesn't change that. I'll still do the things that make him happy, he's my husband and of course I want him to be happy, but I need to change my thought about him ever taking the lead. (Well, I'll do most of the things, some I can now abandon)

I won't be emailing this blog to him anymore. When I had done that originally it was with his blessing and he had said it was a great idea (he said because he could never remember the blog address) but this blog isn't for him. It's for me. So, it's going to stay for me. (Thank you to Hermione and Ronnie for reminding me of that)

I'm sorry if I sound angry..I'm not really angry at him...like I said I'm starting to be OK with it.. but it's going to take time.

Huh?

2010-03-29T08:28:00.003-05:00

I have no idea what is going on around here.

On Friday night TJ had all but said no more to all of this...or did I say that and he agreed? I don't even remember, that's how horrible that conversation was.

Saturday, he declared that no matter what, we are going to make this relationship work. There's a lot of back story with this but it will take quite some time to discuss it and nothing all that exciting either.

Sunday, I found a website that talks about submissive wives. I told him about it, instead of him saying yes or no to me joining the "community board" he told me to see if I have any vacation days left. He wants me to take a day or so off so that we can "concentrate on us", when he isn't overwhelmed with work. Last week was horrible because of his work, he worked a LOT of overtime (here at home, remoting into work) and didn't have the energy to work on us or talk about us. (Now, I did not know this at the time of my last post. He didn't tell me how much work he had been doing or that he was getting calls in the middle of the night. Communication is obviously on the list of things to improve around here).

Today, I have no real understanding where I stand around here, but I think it's not as bleak as I may have thought on Friday. Maybe things are looking up? I really don't know.

Long Forgotten....

2010-03-26T07:11:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in a few days because I haven't had anything of a positive nature to post, and I didn't want to sound as though I were whining or making TJ out in a bad light. I still don't have anything of a positive nature to post...

"Going with the flow" has turned out to be a very convenient way for TJ to forget all about me. I still haven't pushed him, I'm still "going with the flow" but I have never felt so alone and so forgotten. Since I am no longer pointing a finger and saying 'OK, TJ now you should do this, say this, how about we try this, what if I was to ask permission for this...." nothing has happened. Nothing. Nada. No talk, no empty promises, no touches, nothing. I am just a wife. Not even a spanked wife.

This has made me wonder. What if my need to be submissive towards TJ, what if this craving I have to have him control things in my life/our life is a much simpler need. What if my need really is to have TJ pay attention to my life in general. He is an awesome father and he can make my day turn around just by smiling at me and his touch still makes my knees weaken, so I don't pretend that he is a bad husband, he's, by most accounts, wonderful. However, he..well...responsibility is not his strong suit, which is why I pay the bills, plan vacations, and call the repair guy.

Even that aside... TJ has no true idea what goes on in my day or what I have upcoming in my life. This morning he asked me "Oh, she's taking the bus today?" with a surprised expression regarding our oldest going to school this morning. "Yes, it's Friday." I sighed. "What time do you start work?" I cringed and bit my tongue. "Ten." and in my head I screamed out "The same FUCKING TIME I HAVE STARTED FOR THE PAST FIVE MONTHS!" (pardon my language there, I do try to stay away from that word but it was necessary this morning...at least for my mood) This may not seem like much but this is just a little example that just happened this morning.

The big hurts I keep to myself, except for one. This blog. He has never come here on his own accord. I have even set the settings to email him each post, he's never read them...at least not without me prompting him to. He skips them when he checks his email. I am skipped. I am ignored. This blog is my outlet where I hold very little back when it comes to how I feel about submission and he ignores it. He chooses to ignore it/me.

So, perhaps my submissive nature is really just me wanting him to look at me and pay attention to me. Maybe I just want him to think about me...not just of me. Yes, there's a big difference.

"Measha would really enjoy a night out and she's been really good this past week, I'll see if my mom can take the kids for a night," is thinking about me.
"I need to ask Measha to put more money in my account for gas," is thinking of me.

Maybe I'm not submissive at all, maybe I'm just an attention craved greedy little wench. Either way, right now I'm miserable and feel alone and forgotten.

See...nothing positive...the roller coaster has continued. I am beginning to hate this blog, one week things are great and the next this is happening...over and over again. I envy all those who found these emotions before finding their husbands. If I had understood this about me maybe things would be different.

I have a necklace, a simple necklace that looks like a choker because it is a little tighter around the neck than most necklaces. I put it on a few months ago and commented to TJ that it reminded me of a collar and how it would be nice if he perhaps chose a similar necklace for me to wear. (actually I think I said even a bracelet would be nice...just something special between us) One that he picked out at the store, bought and gave to me with the purpose of it to remind us both of what it meant. He said it was great idea and after valentines day he even admitted that he had thought about doing that for valentines day, but hadn't for whatever reason. I look at my original necklace now and I get embarrassed that I ever shared my thoughts with him about it.

I am embarrassed that I ever shared any of this with him or even with myself. Repress it, is what I want to tell myself. Bury this need deep down and never speak of it again or even look at it. Ignore it, because there is no hope. I want to submit, but only to him, because I do love him with all my heart. So if he doesn't want my submission...then I am lost.

Hind Sight

2010-03-22T08:01:00.005-05:00

Looking back on my life I see now that there were plenty of signs that I was not cut from a vanilla cloth...actually I wasn't even cut from a cloth on the same shelf as the vanilla cloth.

Here are a few examples:

1. At a very young age, spanking became a fantasy that popped into my head quite frequently. I have an embarrassing story regarding this, but I'm keeping it in the vault of "Never tell a living soul."

2. As a young teenager, when sex became something more than just a word (At least privately, since I was too young to date at that time...)my fantasies were not simply spanking. They involved things like paddles, cages, whips, collars. These may seem to be a "natural" fantasy to some who enjoy these types of fantasies; however, at the time of these fantasies I had never heard of BDSM, S&M, spanking, submission or domination. I had never seen a woman walked on a leash, I had never heard of a man spanking a woman, nor had I heard of, or knew of, blow jobs. I knew only that sex happened when a man put his penis inside a woman.

3. TJ and I married quite young. He went off to the army and I went off to the junior college. In order to pass the time away from him my mother turned me on to romance novels. A quick read and always a happy ending, sounded great to me. I quickly found myself skimming to the parts where the man was dominant towards the woman; giving her rules and being all stern with her. If there was a spanking in the novel, I would ear mark that page to go back and re-read the passage over and over again.

4. During a conversation with TJ while he was in basic training he told me something about how the husband is responsible for the actions of the wife while he's enlisted. He went on to say that if he wanted to, he could keep me locked on base by telling the gate guards that I was not to leave base. In reality, he had no such power or authority, he was pulling my chain, but the very idea of being under his control, under his authority in such a way...excited me more than maybe it should have.

5. The spanking scene in Blue Hawaii. I nearly broke the tape with the number of times I rewound and watched it over and over and over again. Privately, when no one else was around to see me watching it, because how would a pre-teen explain it to her parents were they to happen on her.

With all of these signs, along with others, how did I never comprehend my own desires? If I were to go back in time and change something, or to make my younger self do something, I think one of the things I would tell her is to pay attention to herself. To listen to her heart and her fantasies and to try to understand herself a little better.

Keeping him on his toes

2010-03-16T10:24:00.005-05:00

Last evening was a normal evening. Dinner was eaten, kitchen cleaned, kids to bed on time and a few sitcoms were watched. (Ok, the sitcoms were not part of our normal evening, but the laughs were a welcomed change)

TJ went to play on his computer and I was sitting on the computer putzing around on mine. After a while I realized nothing fun was going to happen with us and moved on to studying for my class...actually, I was taking a practice quiz and failed miserably, so I'll be doing more studying.

TJ came into the kitchen to fix himself a snack.

"What's wrong?" he asked me with an exasperated tone as he turned the microwave on and I watched.

"Nothing. What do you mean?" I questioned, genuinely suprised by his question and his tone.

"You are moping, like your mad that I didn't plan anything for you tonight." he accused and I was even more confused.

"No, I'm not moping. I was doing my math quiz," I explained. "I mean, sure I was disappointed, you had said we'd be doing something but you aren't feeling good, I know that. I'm not mad."

He looked at me then said nothing. He was thinking and I kept silent.

"It's like you get upset because I'm not entertaining you,"

"What? Did I do or say something that I don't remember?" I asked, thoroughly baffled at this point.

"No," he admitted.

"I'm confused. I mean, yeah I'm a little disappointed that we haven't done anything lately. I mean we had that talk and nothing has happened, aside from sex, since. I haven't had a spanking in nearly 3 months. But I'm not mad, I haven't complained. I was disappointed...but not in you. Kinda like if we planned a movie night but had to cancel...I was looking forward to it but I'm not mad that it didn't happen. I'm trying to just let things happen when they happen...like you said to."

Another look, an odd one I haven't seen before.

"I haven't said anything because making you do something isn't going to work for us. You would probably say no and then I'd be hurt or angry, and it would be like I was still controlling all of this. I figured when you were ready you would do something." I added and he crossed his arms over his chest leaning back against the counter.

"Right." he nodded.

"So, what did I do wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing." he shrugged. "I'm just not used to it. You are doing exactly what I told you to do and I'm not used to it." he answered.

"So, you are concerned because I'm not ranting and raving at you about not doing what I want you to do?"

"Yes!"and we both laughed. He hugged me and shook his head. "I am confused. I had you all figured out and then you go and change on me. Now I have to figure out what to do,"

"You want me not to go with the flow?"

"No, I want you to keep this up. I just didn't expect it," And he kissed me and sent me off to bed as confused as he was before the conversation.

I don't really know what made me settle in more easily to waiting for him to find his groove, but I'm glad that it's working. I'm more relaxed and now that I'm not pushing I think he'll start stepping up a bit more...speaking of which I'm to report to his office in 20 minutes and I haven't begun to get ready for the morning sprint of getting three kids into the minivan by 7:15.

Comfort Zone

2010-03-10T07:25:00.006-06:00

Nothing has happened. There has been no more talk of what is expected nor has there been a spanking, or even a verbal warning towards my behavior. Yes, it's only been a few day; however, I already feel a change in the house. A new tone has been set. I have been more calm and relaxed. I feel happy and loved as if he's with me at all times. I've told him this just this morning. He smiled and said "That's good," and when I was ranting about the pots not being put away properly (a battle we've fought since day one of moving into this house) he just laughed and commented on how cute I looked ranting in my scrub bottoms and my bra. That took all the fight out of me, not that there was much at all anyway. I feel as though I'm being hugged even when he's not here to hug me, it's a wonderful feeling this comfort zone.

Let it be said...

2010-03-08T08:10:00.007-06:00

TJ and I spoke last night. We talked for a long time and we straightened out a lot of things between us. He asked if I wished to speak first, and I did. I rattled off my list of "expectations" and once I was done, and my face was blushing fiercely, he nodded. He asked for a few clarifications then nodded again "That sounds good," he smiled at me over his left shoulder, as he was getting a proper back scratch from me while we talked.

Then it was his turn. He stood up, put his shirt back on, and went to the kitchen to get a drink. He didn't sit next to me while he talked about his expectations of me, instead he stood against the wall while I stared up at him from my spot on the couch. Some of the things he said were not surprising to me at all. He mentioned that since my surgery I have gotten quite used to him doing the majority of the house work and now that I was feeling better I needed to step up. No more checking emails after dinner while he cleans up the kitchen. "We both work full time so we both have to pitch in to keep this place clean," he said.

There were some things that I was a little surprised about. Time Management. He doesn't like the way I'm handling my school work. The time on the weekends is really the issue, from what I understood. So now on Saturdays and Sundays I'm to give him a schedule for that particular day and he will adjust it to meet any needs he has for the day. I thrive on schedules, the day goes so much smoother when I know what is next and where I'm supposed to be.

One change that he is implementing is that he will only tell me something one time. If he makes a new rule and I break it the next day, there will be a punishment. If my attitude is starting to get out of hand, he will give me one warning and only one. If I continue then there will be a punishment. Speaking of punishments, "When I say it's game time...it's game time. No arguing, no trying to weasel your way out of anything,"

I asked him to understand that we haven't done any spanking in a while and that spanking hurts, so to expect me to stand perfectly still is a bit of an impossible expectation. He thought about it for a second and replied "For now. That's on me, I'll have to train you properly in that area," My jaw dropped and I just stared at him, which must have pleased him because he smiled at me with a bit more enthusiasm I would like to see when talking about spanking my bottom (in a non playing way).

The talk was wonderful as well as the festivities that occurred later, however, there was no spanking. I was sure there would be one...mostly because he had said a few days ago that there would be one. I don't know if he forgot about that part or if he just wanted to get to the really fun stuff instead. I didn't bother to ask him, I wasn't upset about not getting a spanking....I think I really wasn't looking forward to it because my bum is completely virginized again and I can only imagine the mess the first spanking is going to be.

So...things are reverting back to the norm...or at least as normal as things can get around here.

In the Men's Locker Room....

2010-03-07T15:39:00.004-06:00

This morning when I arrived at the gym I was thrown a curve ball. The locker rooms had been switched. Outside each locker room entrance, stood a large sign that read "Temporary Women's Locker Room Entrance," outside the usual men's locker room and a "Temporary Men's Locker Room Entrance" sign outside of the usual women's locker room. I have no idea what prompted this "temporary change" but I did hear one woman say that we would be back in our normal locker room by midweek.

I entered the locker room and immediately was thrown off by the fact that it was all opposite. There was no carpeting by the lockers, instead it wall all nicely tiled. My first thought was "Glad I remembered my shower shoes," because I have a tendency to slip and slide all over tile (or anywhere else for that matter)

After my work out I headed back to the locker room to shower and dress. It was odd. I felt very much out of place, as if I was standing in someplace that I did not belong. At first I just contributed it to the fact that I was not in my normal space...but then it just felt more strange than that. It's very hard to describe...

I was standing in the men's locker room and I think that is the key here. If it had been a different women's locker room, I doubt it would have felt all that odd to me but because it was the men's room. because I was standing where only men were allowed to stand ... I felt out of sorts.

I don't think that all women should be submissive to every man, nor do I think that every woman should be submissive at all to any man (or woman for that matter), but there was just something about standing in this room that made me a tad uncomfortable.

I think that maybe my interest in having a DD marriage is faltering...I mean I think it's safe to say that my submissive feelings go deeper than I had originally thought. Not really a new revelation, I've rambled before about this many times. However, I think it's time I told TJ all of it, and I mean ALL of it. Every embarrassing little fantasy, want, need, wish, hope... all of it and see what he does with it.

He postponed the "reset" from last night to tonight because he thought I was too tired last night from working all day and running errands all afternoon, maybe tonight is a great opportunity...or things will get very messy again with us. I'd say it's a 50/50 situation....

Ramble, Rumble, Grumble

2010-03-03T21:05:00.005-06:00

Since having surgery and all of the other icky stuff that has happenedm I have not had a single spanking. Oh there has been a playful swat here and there (5 in a row today, actually) but nothing that could actually be determined a "spanking".

Yesterday was a bad day here in our little household, getting the kids fed, dressed, and into the cars in the morning is becoming increasingly difficult as the baby is now toddler and has his own little personality. I was, to say the least, frustrated and taking it out on everyone in my path. TJ pulled me aside and scolded me and then we all got in the cars and left. No spanking, however, as TJ is going to wait until this weekend.

TJ is planning to have a "reset talk" this weekend to get us back into the full swing of things. He said that that now that I'm feeling better and my attitude seems to be coming back we need to get back to the basics. I'm not really sure what will happen during this talk, except that I'm almost positive that a spanking will happen.

Now that I haven't had a spanking in nearly 2 months I'm not sure I'm excited about it. I have a complete virgin butt right now and I'm really not looking forward to it. Also, there is the fact that I have a horrible habit of coming up with a fantasy in my head and when reality doesn't come close to it I have a bad reaction. I'm really going to try and let it all just happen naturally, no fantasizing.

I will admit that there are days I wish this need I have would just go away. Sometimes I think it would be easier to ignore it. I'm thankful that TJ won't let me ignore this part of me, that he sees it works so well for us and will keep stepping up when needed.

There is still a lot of things in my head that leave me unsettled at times. I'm trying to figure out what my wants and needs are... there's a difference, that much I know, but I am having a really hard time sorting them into the right categories. These are things that I have trouble even verbalizing to TJ because I don't want to scare him or to make him think badly of me.

During a fun evening in bed, TJ was pinching me and he asked me if I liked it (in that seductive tone ..) I blushed into the darkness and said that I liked that he liked it. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I enjoyed it...wouldn't that be horrible to enjoy being pinched in such a way? These are things that leave me uncomfortable, and feeling lonely at times because I don't mention these things to TJ and I know I should...but I don't think he'll understand.

Then there are days I wish that I had known all of these things about myself when I had met TJ. Maybe then we would be further along this journey if it hadn't crept up on me after we had been married for a bit. But then again..how much of yourself are you fully aware of at 16.

This post, as usual, has veered off of where I started from. Again, just my ramblings of the day.

A smile a day....

2010-02-22T07:47:00.005-06:00

I'm sure you've seen this ad before during your travels along the internet speedway of spanking pictures, movies, stories, etc.

I came home from work on Saturday and went to get something to drink from the fridge and low and behold what did I see? That very ad printed and stuck to the fridge with the kids alphabet magnets. TJ had come across the picture that day and thought it was funny enough to print out and plaster it up in our kitchen....and there it stays.

Great to be back!

2010-02-18T08:13:00.003-06:00

Finally, I am almost at 100%!!! I would jump and dance around but my back is still a little sore. Just a little recap of the last 5 weeks or so.
1. Had surgery, bed rest 2 weeks.
2. Threw out back on bed rest, worst pain ever felt in my life thus far.
3. Got a cold just as back was starting to mend.
4. Stomach flu hit last week bringing back the back ache from all of the festivities that come along with such an event.

But I'm almost all better now just a little back ache from the coughing, nothing like it was when it originally started.

There has been no spanking in the past few weeks and I don't think there will be any for at least another week or maybe two. TJ has been awesome, taking care of me and the kids these past few weeks.

Anyway.... onward and upward...

I found out this week that a girl at work is most likely going to be getting a divorce. Her husband still loves her but can't be with her anymore because he's "had it" with her. Admittedly, she's a very controlling person with a very strong personality. We've all heard the way she talks to her husband and I'm not surprised that he's finally put his foot down about it....but....he never told her until now what she was doing. He never said "stop treating me this way" he just took it and now after almost 10 yrs of marriage he's had it and wants out of the marriage.

They've done counseling at her request, but he doesn't care about it. They have a son the same age as my oldest, 6 yrs old and she has multiple medical problems, the last diagnosis was just last week: Bells Palsy.

When I told TJ about the development and I explained why the man didn't want to be with her anymore he said "Oh, she's one of those" and when I asked what he meant he said that she was a controlling wife who talked down to her husband, treating him more like a second child than a man.

I do agree with him on that point, at least in this situation with the girl at work, but the man can't just walk in one day and say "You've been doing everything wrong for 10 yrs and now I'm leaving" when he never gave her the chance to fix things years ago or even months ago. I asked him if I am "One of those women" and he laughed.

"Not anymore," he assured me.
"I used to be?"
"Hell, yeah!" he answered with a little more gumption than I appreciated. "You still do get a little controlling now and then but we deal with it," And by "deal with it" he means he turns me over his knee and blisters my behind.

So...I may not always get my way, I may get spanked to the point that I cry, but I'm loved and I don't think TJ will ever keep things from me that he feels are damaging to us. He has an outlet for those types of discussions. Now, some couples can sit down and have a regular discussion about things but I'm not wired that way....I need the talk then I need the spanking...at least that's what TJ tells me.

Since we've been spank free for a few weeks and I've been behaving and we've not really had any issues I asked him if maybe we don't need this dynamic anymore. He shook his head at me. "It's not up for discussion,"
"But we've been doing great and I haven't even gotten into trouble," I pointed out.
"You've also been sick and laid up...how much trouble can you get into like that?" he pointed out.
"I'm just saying...if you think we can do without it...."
"No." his statement was flat and firm....and I was very relieved!

......I'm not really looking forward to the first spanking though.....virgin butt and all that. WEG

2010-02-07T17:37:00.004-06:00

Another update...nothing wonderful.

I threw out my back 2 weeks ago and have had nothing but trouble since. I went to the doctor for it on friday and he was concerned about it being a blood clot so he sent me to the ER....four hours later no clot found. Meds were dispensed and I was sent home. Luckily the back pain is starting to subside a great deal...unluckily I now have pink eye...the fun never stops around here!

Anyway...It's Superbowl Sunday and I am trying to get back into the swing of things around here... slowly. I hope everyone enjoys the game, the commercials, or the peace and quiet if you have the tv off and are simply enjoying the company of someone special. I will be back soon with actual thoughts and fun stories... I promise!

2010-01-25T21:36:00.002-06:00

I thought I'd write an update....but there is nothing really to update. I'm still laid up and will be for one more week. Well, not really...I have gotten clearance today to get up and resume activity..but no lifting and no stretching. I can fold the laundry but can't put it away, fair enough. I'll take it.

I had always thought having someone wait on me hand and foot would be awesome and relaxing...I was sorely mistaken. I am so bored I am ready to cry. I've kept my mind busy, working on my online course (which turns out is harder than I had thought it would be) and editing a piece I've been working on for what seems like forever but it's just not enough.

And since all sex is out of the question for another few weeks and I've been in so much pain that the very thought of sex, spanking, or anything kinky turns my stomach. Submission? Not in my vocabulary right now...well not true.

I have been awfully well behaved, laying in bed all day long will do that to you, I suppose. Can't break rules if you can't do anything. Oh wait! Something did happen!

Yesterday, TJ and I were in the kitchen and I was getting a bit attitudey (it's a word...cos I say so) with him. He looked at me, took a step closer to me and when I still kept it up he raised his hand and stared at my bottom. He then looked at my face and slapped my upper arm twice.

"I can't spank your ass so I'll spank your arm! Watch the attitude!" and he laughed about it, as well as I did. It wasn't hard but did sting a bit. It was actually the comedic relief I needed at the moment. All of this bed rest and not being able to pick up the baby and not being able to anything was getting to me and I was taking it out on him. It was funny and cute and let me know that he's giving me a break but I should tred lightly.

Well, how's that for nothing to say!? LOL

Mad About You

2010-01-21T16:26:00.003-06:00

I'm still recovering, so I have been laid up for the past few weeks and it's beyond annoying. I'm not one to lay around and have people wait on me, I can not stand it, but have for the most part followed orders. TJ has done really well with handling all of the kids and house stuff (my bathroom hasn't been cleaned in 2 weeks...but I'm letting it go...*deep breath*) so I can't complain (about things like the sink being dirty, or the ceiling fan having dust hanging from it, or that our oldest went to bed last night with chocolate on her face... lol)

Anyway, I was watching Mad About You the other day, I have the first season on DVD and was in marathon mode. I remember watching that show when it was on tv and thinking how badly I wanted my relationship to be like them. Loving, cuddling, hugging full of compromise etc...

This time I was watching it and thinking the exact opposite. I don't think I want a cuddle bug for a husband. Don't misread me...I love cuddling with TJ and I love hugging and kissing and all that. I want a rougher love though, one where if I'm being a raving lunatic TJ will simply march me to our bedroom bend me over spank me silly until I've calmed down.

I like my love to be rough and ragged and full of emotions and full of vibrant colors. Love doesn't have to be soft in order for it to be true and deep.

It was just a bit odd to remember what it was I thinking back 10 yrs or so and how I have things now and how much I love us now... we aren't all silk and lace... well a silk blindfold would be nice.

What will I think about my relationship say 10 yrs from now? Hmm... I can't wait to find out.

And now we shall see

2010-01-15T02:29:00.002-06:00

My last post, I questioned if I could submit to TJ without the physical aspect to all of this. It didn't even dawn on me at that time that I would have a chance to find out that very thing within a matter of days of writing that post.

On Monday, I had a minor surgery that has put me on bed rest for two weeks. I returned home from the hospital yesterday and have been tied to the couch since walking in the door. I attempted to read emails last night and when I came across an email from my boss TJ was quick to say "If you are going to look at work emails I am going to take the computer away from you." needless to say I closed my lap top and put it away for the time being. Not only am I on bedrest for two weeks, but TJ and I are not allowed to have "relations" (As the doctor put it to TJ after my procedure and TJ did his very best not to grin) for at least 6 weeks while I heal. Hence, there will be no physical aspects to all of this for at least that time. Which TJ is already complaining about not being able to spank me; all of a sudden the man can't stop patting my bottom.

As we left the hospital yesterday, TJ was turning onto the street I told him to turn left, as it would bring us to the main road off of which we live. He turned right saying that going left would make us have to pass a bunch of county buildings that tend back up traffic. I explained that the portion of town he was talking about was further south and that we wouldn't be near it. We didn't really argue but were simply disagreeing about which street he was actually turning onto. (There was construction around the hospital so the exit was not the normal exit we would have taken)

"Does it matter if you wanted me to go left?" he questioned with a tone I had not heard in a few days.
"You always assume I'm wrong, that I don't know what I'm talking about," I complained with a pout.
"No. You aren't always wrong, but I'm always right," he stated flatly. I blinked and looked at him as he drove, he was serious.
"Ok," I nodded.

Now I'm not stupid, I am aware that he is human and is indeed not always right. He will make mistakes and he will screw up and he may even hurt my feelings at times, but he will never do those things with malicious intentions. What I took from that comment is that when it comes to things like which way to turn, it doesn't matter which way I want him to go. If he says we are going right then we are going right; if he decides to drive six miles out of our way simply because he chooses to do so..then so be it.

I am no longer in the driver seat...

A revelation...been having lots of these lately

2010-01-09T06:49:00.004-06:00

A few days ago, at work, I was working up a patient who happened to have her husband with her. I don't know what about this couple caused me to think of submission, but it did, perhaps it was their ethnicity. Either way, it brought about a whole slew of thoughts.

Would I feel these submissive feelings that I feel if it did not in some small way turn me on? Now, I do not walk around all hot and bothered because I got TJ a cup of coffee but I do feel warm and fuzzy on an intimate level that I do not feel when say getting a cup of coffee for my brother in law. If I didn't get that, if it was simply expected of me to be obedient by society and those all around me, would I still enjoy it?

For those women living in countries where they have no choice but to be submissive to their husbands, do they find any fulfillment in it or is it simply so natural to them that they don't give it another thought?

I think that because we have a choice to be submissive to our husbands or we can be "equal" (honestly, I believe there is no such thing as equal in a relationship but that's another post for another day) it makes it more...I don't know...meaningful, fulfilling?

Is it because of the intimacy in the rest of my relationship with TJ that triggers the warm and fuzzies when I do small acts for him? I no longer have a say in sex...well...I can not say "no" to sex, I should clarify (not that I ever would LOL) If I understand correctly in some cultures this is the case in most marriages, if he wants it- he gets it. Even when TJ is simply "taking" what is his, I still get such a thrill from it, such enjoyment from it that I can hardly say I am not being satisfied, on both the emotional and physical levels.

Would it be the same if this dynamic of ours did not exist? I thought to myself that it would be boring and mundane to submit to someone if these feelings that I currently have weren't there. Which leads me to another question that just popped in my head....

If something awful were to happen that left TJ unable to physically pleasure, punish, dominate me would I still be able to submit to him? Of course, I'd always take care of him and love him and be there for him, that would never change..but if there was no chance of a kinky sex night or a wonderfully bottom warming spanking would I: still 1) be able to submit to his rules, dictates and/or 2) Get as much out of it?

I would like to say yes, and I think I would. I find the mental part of domination to be just as stimulating as his touch. Often his words are enough to get me moving in the direction he desires....and there are "devices" out there to help with the physical aspect. (*insert blush and wicked smile here*)

Anyhoo... those were my thoughts. I think submitting to TJ is absolutely thrilling and I'm glad that it is my choice because I think that's partly what makes it so wonderful.

Just another Ramble

2010-01-08T08:12:00.002-06:00

TJ looked over my resolutions for this upcoming year after I had posted last. He said ( in regards to the ones about submission) that the first two were most important. He said the one about the cane would be fun (for him) but that he really wants me to focus on the exploring my submissive side and accepting his authority with more fluidity.

In that respect I have been doing some soul searching. It's all still very muddled in my mind so I can really only imagine how the words will spill onto this screen, but I will attempt to be rational. (Notice I said "attempt")

TJ hates labels and I am working really hard not to use them, however, this is much harder than I thought it would be. He tells me that he doesn't want to be my "Dom" "Master" or any such thing, he simply wants to be my Husband, and I his wife. Great! I can do that, or can I?

I look around me and I am much different than the other "wives" around me. I do not put him down verbally to my co-workers (I'm no saint, I do complain from time to time, but I don't bash him) I do not mind offering to get him his coffee after a meal when in the company of others. Along with other subtle things that I really dont' see most women doing for thier husbands.

I think that the arrangement we have is more than just simply Husband/wife but I think it makes him more comfortable to use those terms (but I thought we weren't supposed be labeling us....ah well). There has been a large shift in our dynamic here in this house. I am no longer simply a wife who gets spanked for being naughty (that still occurs, have no doubt!) but there's more to it. I have given over control to him in other ways; sexually, financially, even a portion of my diet is under this umbrella of authority.

I am most calm and soothed while seated at his feet watching tv while he lovingly strokes my hair. I don't know what the next day will bring but the conversation TJ and I had last night was very touching and very informative.

"You will never be worth less than me," he assured me when I voiced my worry over my worth. "We are equal beings but our roles are different," he explained while looking into my eyes, holding my chin in his hands forcing me to look directly at him and hear his words.

This weekend promises to be a very interesting weekend. The kids will all be gone and we will have some much needed alone time...and an experiment is planned... I will let you know how it goes..or mostly.

Happy New Year!!!!

2009-12-31T17:55:00.003-06:00

The new year is upon us. TJ is sweating over the stove preparing our New Years Eve Seafood pig out session..that leads into our appetizer pig out session later in the evening. It has become a tradition here. He is making mussels, crab legs, crawfish (which I've never had before so this should be interesting) and shrimp cocktail (mostly for the girls). Yes, there will only be four of us eating all of this food....it's New Year's Eve, after all.

I have been thinking and thinking about a New Year's resolution and have come up with nothing. I could do the usual and go with Lose Weight, be healthier, or such but let's be realistic this year. Hey, maybe that could be my New Year's Resolution: to set more realistic goals? Uh...naaaw.

Here's what I think will be good to use.
1. Write! Write! Write! I would like to publish four novella's this upcoming year over at lulu.
2. Save, save, save and move, move, move to a larger home by the end of the year.
3. Stick with school. I've signed up for one class this upcoming semester and I would like to take one class each semester until I've finished my degree.

Ok..there you have it. Now..for the fun ones.

1. Explore my submission more deeply and honestly. Stop using labels and listen to my heart more.
2. Accept TJ's authority with more grace. Meaning taking my spankings a little bit better.
3. Be able to take the cane...TJ really likes it and I'd like to be able to handle it for him.

Ok..maybe they weren't that exciting. LOL

I hope that each of you have a wonderful New Year. May your best day of 2009 be the worst you have in 2010!

Just another day...

2009-12-28T19:30:00.003-06:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with TJ as well as all of the terms DD, D/s, M/s... yes I know..no labeling. However...

I am not quite sure TJ and I fall in the DD category anymore. I mean it just seems that we are both interested in a control shift that falls outside the DD realm... what does that mean? Nothing probably, it really doesn't matter what we call it..in the end it's still our relationship.

Yet... I still find myself struggling with the "Oh...we can't do that...that's not DD..." or other such nonsense. I've seen some very judgmental comments thrown around regarding D/s in the DD world lately. It makes me angry, to say the least, to see the ignorant slander of a world that is merely unknown to them. Words like "games" "just kinky sex" "Playing" just get under my skin.

To be honest, some of these things that have been said make me believe I am totally outside that realm. I am not ashamed to admit that I am submissive to my husband, I don't sugar coat it, it's how I feel. Am I having a hard time getting my brain to wrap around what my heart is saying? Yes, I am have a really hard time.

One part of me wants to kneel at TJ's feet and feel every ounce of his dominance and another part of me shies away saying "No..no...just let him be HOH, that's surely enough," Amid all of my own fears and anxiety about what I'm feeling is TJ, who is surely flustered and confused about it all. I am not clear and I am confusing, to even myself, how can he possibly understand?

There are days I feel as though I am drowning because I simply can't decide which way to swim to shore. Labels aside, it's the actions that I fear now.

Will kneeling at his feet make him feel too superior? Would I lose my sense of self worth?
If I admit to letting him use me sexually does that make me less of a woman? To gain joy because I have pleased him by doing so....is that too weird?

I know..who cares what other people think: it's my relationship, my marriage, my body... but I am still learning how to ignore the outside world. When I get into this funk I really wish I had a friend who was in this kind of relationship...someone that I can go out and get coffee with and hash it all out with. Since TJ won't let me seek out anyone in our neighboring towns I will be alone in this for now...at least physically. I'm sure you all have similar fears, thoughts, or have been down this road I am traveling.

To those walking a head of me...would you mind terribly dropping a few bread crumbs along the way to help mark the way?

Have a very merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T23:39:00.000-06:00

I will super busy in the next two days with the holiday and I wanted to make sure I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year.

We will be spending the next two days eating, dancing and hopefully a little spanking under the tree will be in order!

May you all enjoy this holiday season and may the upcoming year bring you all joy, prosperity, and happiness!

Strap Wrench

2009-12-20T08:47:00.002-06:00

EVIL! That is what that damn thing is, absolutely evil. Disguised as a harmless tool for the handyman, it is a horrible beast of an implement for the handyhusband!

I had heard of these things being used for spanking and I ignored it. I knew TJ had a few of them in the garage, I had bought them for christmas one year, to be used as actual tools- I never dreamed of having that rubber strap across my bare bottom. When I had heard of people actually using it for spanking purposes I filed the knowledge in the "Never tell TJ" folder.

TJ cleaned out the garage last week and found the little buggars. He was sitting in his computer room one evening holding one when I walked into the room. He had an evil look in his eye just as I saw a light bulb turn on over his head.

"What?" I asked him cautiously, eyeing the toy in his hand.

"I was just thinking something," he smiled a devils grin and lightly tapped the strap against his open palm.

"No...no...don't tell me,"

"What? That this is going to be great to spank you with?" the man actually laughed at his own wit. I rolled my eyes and left the room, a little panicked I will admit.

Then last night it happened. The stress of the holiday shopping, working full time again, cleaning for cookie making today, and the regular stress of having three toddlers caught up to me and when he asked me to do a simple thing for him I snapped. Right before bed he told me to turn all the lights off in the living room and wait for him.

I was waiting for him next to the couch and when he walked in with nohting in hand I thought "Thank god, a hand spanking!"

It was not to be. He pulled that strap wrench out of his back pocket and plopped down in the middle of the couch. He explained that my attitude was unacceptable and told me to lay across his lap. I nearly cried just at the sight of the damnable thing. He pulled my sweat pants down around my thighs and began to spank with his hand.

His hand is nearly as sharp as some implements he uses but I knew it was only the warm up so I tried to bear down and get through it. When the first blow of that strap landed I nearly catapulted myself through the wall that the couch is pushed against and into the neighbors house.

I last about 5 strokes and was begging for him to use something else, which he would not.

"Not so much of an attitude now, huh?" he said as he continued. I wiggled and he held on tighter to me. I was trying really hard not to scream, for fear of waking the children upstairs. Finally, after about 15 (maybe) strokes of the stinging beast I wiggled my way off his lap and sat on the floor trying to catch my breath.

"What are you doing?" he demanded to know. I didn't answer him. I couldn't. He asked two more times before he sighed heavily and sent me to bed. When he finally came up to say goodnight I asked him if I could finish it. "No, we are done for tonight,"

This morning when we talked briefly he said that there will not be a re-do but he is definitely doing "something" tonight. What does that mean?

Maybe if I had been able to scream out I could have handled it better? Or if I was in a better frame of mind? I don't know...but we will see what happens tonight....

Update

2009-12-18T11:47:00.003-06:00

I have been away from my blog for too long. I've been neglectful. Not just to my blog, but my email, my writing, etc... I'll blame it on the holidays for now, and hope it changes after it's all over with next week. Though...being back at work full time isn't exactly helping, either.. oh well. That's not what I want to talk about, so onward...

Last week while I was out shopping I sent a text to TJ that he might want to check my blog. A short while later he sent back a text saying "I agree..wtf is going on?" So...long discussion that night. We came to the conclusion that perhaps we needed to do some non spanking "sessions" regarding discipline (not punishment, there's a difference...and I'm sure you knew that) ....round about way of saying that he has put me in "Training". For the past week at night, after the kids are in bed and I've completed my chores/getting ready for the next day, we've had about an hour of time to dedicate to us.,..or rather me...or him.

During this hour I am not allowed to make a decision and must do everything he says without question, hesitation, or attitude. I am to answer him with smile and simply do what he has requested.

The first night it was simple things: I did the dishes (usually his chore), I gave him a foot rub, folded a load of laundry (instead of letting it go until the next day as planned). The night after that we were short on time because I had worked that evening. He had me take off my pants, but leave my panties on as well as my shirt. It felt oddly silly to be in the living room folding another load of laundry with my pants off. When I was done...he had me do something else...which I may blog about later.

The last night we were able to do this he had me simply sit at his feet while we watched tv. At first, I was a little disappointed that we weren't doing anything else (unless you count the foot rub he got...which he usually gets with or without demanding one...the man has the itchiest feet in the whole world) Just when I had abandoned all hope of anything 'fun' happening, he said:

"Can you hand me that yellow pillow over by rocker," I nodded and went to get up. "Uh, on all fours and use your teeth," My stomach flipped a bit. I kept my eyes down and did as he instructed. Carrying the small pillow back to him between my clenched teeth. He thanked me for it and I took my place back on the floor again. A scant moment later the pillow wizzed by my head as he tossed it out onto the carpet. "Again," was all he said and I took a deep breath, unsure of his intentions, was he going to play fetch with me?? I moved back onto all fours and went and picked up the pillow once again with my teeth (made a mental note to wash the pillow) and brought it back to him, ceremoniously placing it in his lap. He smiled at me and my heart raced.

The show we had been watching was just about over and it was already past my bedtime. "Ok, let's get you up to bed," he flicked off the tv and headed towards the stairs. "No, keep crawling," he corrected me when I moved to stand. I again obeyed him....I crawled all the way up the stairs and to our bed.

He did have me stop half way up the stairs to pull down my pants and....well.....it was a good night!

Do I think we are "fixed" and everything will just be hunkey dorey now? Uh...no...past history has told me that this is still the beginning...and we will stumble and fall and get back up again...again and again... But it's a step in the right direction, if nothing else we've had a great week together!

A Rant.

2009-12-13T08:19:00.003-06:00

I am angry.

Not at TJ, but at myself. I am furious, disappointed and frustrated with my own thoughts and emotions that continually twist and turn until I want for nothing more than to stand in the pool of misery that I have created and scream like the crazed woman I am becoming.

The week that TJ was gone on business was a bustling week of shuffling children here and there, making lunches, dinner, doing homework and getting myself to work. I behaved excellently. I followed every single one of my rules. I went to bed on time even when I had a million reasons to stay up an extra twenty minutes. I did it and he wasn't even here to see it; I was damn proud of that!

So what happened? I have no flipping idea! He's home, and although I have stuck to most of the rules, I find myself feeling defiant. He was irritated with me this morning (we had a little tiff...nothing much to really speak of) and he told me to stop talking to which I replied, "NO!" with a smirk and a head tilt that wreaked of defiance. What the hell!?!?!?

Well, no wonder the man has trouble stepping up to the plate. He steps up and I bat him down. One minute I'm thinking about how I want to explore my submissive side much more and then comes an opportunity and I blow it...again and again I do this. It's like there something in me that is trying to stop me from all of this.

I want to give it all up right now. I really do. I want to say simply FUCK IT. I feel lost and out of control.

I won't, probably not, who knows. I'm sure its annoying to read one week how horrible it is and then a post saying it's looking up only to see the next week it's spiraling downward again...and it's all me....

A promise

2009-12-06T21:21:00.003-06:00

TJ is currently sitting on a plane aimed for Nebraska. He will be gone for almost a week; we (the kids and I) took him to the airport this evening. The girls loved the hustle and bustle of it all and I was terrified, having never actually driven anyone to the airport before. It was a much more tearful goodbye than I had thought it was going to be.

After my last post I have just sat back and watched us. I made it all sound so dreary and sad that I wasn't really sure what to post after it or what I was really feeling. So, I just let our lives move along naturally and watched it from the sidelines, sort of speak.

I did cautiously broach the topic with TJ a few nights ago and we both got pretty much no where. I could not find the right words and he was very confused. He did promise that after his business trip we would talk in detail, but that he was ready to try again at stepping things up a bit. He claims life just got in the way and that he is just as interested as before.

It wasn't a very long discussion nor was it very detailed at all. Last night, however, we were sitting watching a movie together and I blurted out a list of things that I wouldn't mind him 'altering' about our lifestyle. Areas that I wouldn't mind him taking control over or having a strong opinion (Dare I say rule or dictate?) about. He just kind of looked at me with an odd expression for a second and said "Really?" and I nodded (too embarrassed at that point to use words). "Okay," he smiled and threw out a new rule.

Now. I'm not completely sure that he actually means this new rule or if it is simply because it was something on my list and he wanted to appease me. Nor does it matter. At this very moment I am trying to not let his motives matter. If he was simply trying to appease me than when he sees me following the rule, perhaps it will begin to matter to him. If he actually means this rule then my following it is just as crucial.

Last night while we were waiting for the movie we wanted to watch to come on the television I said ever so casually, "You could spank me until it comes on," Hoping to spend the next 20 minutes having a bit of fun.

"Good idea! Come over here," he called me into the kitchen. He grabbed the rubber spatula and walked me to the hallway where he pointed to the door for me face.

"No..no..I mean a nice spanking. The kind where I lay over your lap and you use your hand," I laughed and he smiled back at me.

"Ok..maybe after this." he turned me back around to the door and I pouted. (Insert sound effect of foot stomp here) "You need a little reminder. While I'm gone you are going to follow all of the rules, right? You aren't going to cheat on them because I'm not here."

What?! Gasp!? He delivered a pre-emptive reminder without my even asking! Although, not the spanking I wanted by any means it was just as heart warming.

It wasn't all serious though. At one point that little devil stings and I was hoping around "ouch!" hop, slight turn, WHAP "OUCH" hop, slight turn,WHAP "OUCH"...this went on (while he was laughing) until I was completely facing him and he was whole heartedly laughing. "That was fun, turn around, let's do it again!"

Perhaps that is why I had the gumption that I did to spill out my little list about an hour later, I don't know.

So my promise. Is not really to TJ (cos he never checks my blog) it's more to myself. I am going to stick to the rules this week while he's gone. If I can manage to follow his rules while he's not even here to see me then I should be able to do it with ease when he is around and perhaps he will see me taking my role more seriously.

TJ still isn't the "Dom" that I read so much about on other blogs...but he is my TJ and he is my husband. Maybe things will shift from DD to more D/s..maybe they won't, but at the end of the day I still want only him to be the one wrapping his arms around me. I can't imagine having this intimate of a relationship with anyone else.

That "road" I was standing on the side of... I should have been with TJ asking him for directions instead of just standing there like a dope. So...this week I shall re-commit myself to our rules and focus on my submissive side. When TJ returns we can have the talk he said we would have and things can go on from there.

A realization..

2009-11-30T10:25:00.003-06:00

TJ is not a Dom. He's not a Master, nor is he a Top. TJ is simply TJ.

I came to this realization yesterday while I was cleaning the upstairs of our little two bedroom duplex. I called down "Can you please look for that mini blind attachment I bought for the vacuum?" and he said sure. A few minutes later I heard him screwing around with the kids. "Are you looking or playing?" I called down.

"I'm looking!"
"Liar!"
....laughter.

Now, I'm not saying that people in true D/s, M/s, or such relationships don't have similar conversations or playful banter, they might or might not. I don't think it was the words of our conversation that brought about my realization...but perhaps the situation...not sure what exactly.

What I came to realize at that moment is that TJ will never give a good damn if I shave or don't shave. He probably wouldn't even notice if I was wearing panties to bed or not on most nights, and most likely doesn't have a preference, anyway. He doesn't notice any act of submission on my part unless it something that he is looking for in a sexual way (That I've noticed).

A few months ago I mentioned that we were taking DD to a deeper level. Well...that fizzled out within a few weeks. At first I thought it was because I had lost my "mojo" or something but now I think I know what happened. I think I simply saw it for what it was: a one sided relationship.

As much as I enjoyed exploring my submissive side in that way, on that level, I was alone in it. He was merely a spectator who would throw out a command now and then if I became a bit stagnant. He told me he was into it, that he had ideas of his own to implement, but when I pressed him to tell me or to talk with me about it he only said "I have to work it out in my head first," I backed off, I gave him the space he required and stopped asking him because it was what he wanted. Truth of the matter: there were no ideas. There was only the empty promise of a deeper level in our relationship that never came to pass.

I didn't drag him down that road. I stood to the side and tried to follow...but there was nothing to follow. So I stood on that road alone and waited and waited and waited. He is still the head of our household and has been consistent with all of our original rules and such but that is the level in which he lives.

I realized last night that I will never have that deeper level with him that I crave. He will never care about my routine, my habits, or anything other than if I've done the shopping, washed his underwear and kept the kids all safe and fed while he was at work. Do I want someone to micromanage my every single move: no, but maybe a little micro managing here and there would be nice.

Tomorrow, I go back to work full time. This is not a decision we took lightly and to be honest I hate that I'm doing it. I want to be home. I want to be home with my kids, but the economy being what it is; I'm back at work for at least a year. (There's background here but I'm not going into it) So, now there is really next to no hope for anything "more" happening. In fact, there is a real chance that what we have already in relation to DD will fade away all together.

I hope I'm not coming off as angry or disrespectful towards TJ. I love him. It's just..last night I realized that what I have is all I'm going to have when it comes to Domination/submission. I love TJ and this wont' change that. It's just...well....yesterday I had hope....today I have reality.

Spanking good office meeting

2009-11-28T07:17:00.002-06:00

Last week I had a staff meeting at work. Meetings are usually pretty boring and mostly about how the doctor isn't getting as rich as he'd like to be getting, so I wasn't exactly thrilled to be in attendance. I work with a pretty light hearted group that every now and then will be a little off color, which does break up the crazy schedule of patients.

The first thing the doctor mentioned was that there were three new employees at the meeting since we had last gotten together. He then asked who was in charge of bringing the paddles for the initiations! One of the billers chuckled and said that she had forgotten the paddle at home. The new male employee added that he had been looking forward to the spankings but understood if they could not take place that day. A few more humorous comments were made in the same the fashion, all relating to spanking.

I sat in the back corner of the room with, I'm sure, a fierce blush and did my very best to look bored with the conversation, as if my jollity over the topic would give away my favorite past time to all of my co-workers.

So, you see, spanking is not a taboo, I think it is a hell of a lot more common than people will admit.

2009-11-26T12:37:00.003-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I am thankful for so many things this year..but I will list a few.

I am thankful foremost for my family. I could not be luckier in that department.
That everyone around here is healthy and happy.
That my oldest is starting to be a really cool kid to hang around.. She makes almost total sense when she talks now! LOL
That the baby is starting to talk and communicate to me what he wants.
That TJ has really stepped into his role as HOH and has become more comfortable in it.
That TJ has retired the wooden spatula for the time being.
That I feel secure and loved in my home and have a wonderful husband to share that with.

Nothing thrilling or too much out of the ordinary but there it is.

For anyone following the whatever debacle: I am now at 130. Yes..I was down to 90 then went straight up to 130. Luckily or not, TJ has been so busy fixing our cars and working late he has not demanded payment...yet...but we shall see!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone. Fill your bellies with turkey and all the trimmings. Hug your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. Help someone in need. Drop off some food to a local shelter or donate to a food pantry. Share the wealth: no matter how little you have there is someone out there who has less.

Fun Find

2009-11-18T11:53:00.004-06:00

I don't usually talk about sex here...well...I don't think I do. Anyway. I came across something today while browsing ultrafeel that I felt compelled to share with the rest of the world:

American company Suki, LLC. adds some nice little erotic gadgets to the already sexy iPhone.

The ‘Boditalk Escort’ is a discreet wearable bullet that is activated by calls made to or from your cell phone when in close range.

It will vibrate to a pre-programmed pattern. The Boditalk has seven stimulating patterns to excite you while you are on the move. Its discreet design makes it the perfect companion for passion on the go.

The possibilities of this device are practically endless!... I'm just sayin!

It hurts him, too

2009-11-12T17:07:00.004-06:00

I cashed in another 10 swats bringing my balance down to 90. (yippee?) TJ chose to use that damn wooden spatula again. I didn't protest, and I got through warm up pretty well, squirming only a little. Then came the actual strokes. He doesn't count the warm up at all, even if the strokes get harder as he progresses through it.

The searing pain of that implement is hard to describe. It stings, it burns, it has a fiery thud that I don't much like. I did the best I could. I mustered up all of the courage I had and didn't fight him. I used the fleece throw from the couch to muffle my screams. After about six strokes I was crying real tears and by 8 I was sobbing. He only did 10 swats due to the fact that he could tell I was sobbing. When he was all done he put the spatula down and rubbed my bottom and tried to sooth me. "It's all done..it's ok...shhh" his voice was so soft I barely heard him. I didn't move, though. I stayed laying over his lap and had a cry. I got up a few minutes later and gingerly pulled my panties back up.

A short while later he was tucking me into bed and giving me loving kisses, telling me that I only had a bit more to go. He reassured me that as long as I kept taking a bit at a time he wouldn't penalize me for going past the original due date of Friday. Which is good because that would mean I'd have to take all 90 tonight.

"You stopped because I was crying so hard,"
"Yes,"
"You don't like to hear me cry,"
"Yes, I hate it. It makes me feel bad,"
"Good to know." exaggerated wink... pinch to my bottom.....one last kiss and off to sleep I drifted.

I tried really hard to hold in my sobs last night because I know that he hates to hear me cry and that it does really tear at his heart, but that one particular implement just brings it out of me. He has retired the wooden beast for the time being saying that he would just use other things instead. Not because I asked him to, but because he realized that every time he uses it I end up sobbing myself silly. The thing is by far the worse implement he's used so far. It's not going away forever, though, he said for now we'll use other things.... "for now"

Anyhoo, so I'm down to 90. We'll have to see how much I can take tonight or that he's willing to give. These strokes are really hard...which is what he had promised me.

I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. I know I earned these strokes with my stubbornness and willingness to push him. I hate them, they hurt like hell, but I'm getting better at not using the word ...well...at least around him. I do notice when I say it even if he's not around to hear it and I curse to myself for having said it. Maybe his point is getting across... just maybe.

And it made all the difference...

2009-11-10T14:03:00.002-06:00

Last night went much better than the night before. I mentioned to TJ that perhaps I was having trouble with the spankings because he was so physically withdrawn from me.

After a short conversation he agreed to try a different position. He would sit on the floor leaning against the couch for support (he has a bad back which is why he stopped OTK) and I would lay over his lap.

It went much better. I used a pillow to stifle my yelps and I was able to stay in position much easier. I think he's spanking more thoroughly than before and perhaps that's why it's been hurting so much more...he's actually delivering a punishment spanking instead of an erotic spanking with a few hard swats thrown in.

I think just having him physically near me was enough of a comfort that i was able to get through the punishment. It was an intimacy thing, I think. When he stands behind me and spanks me it feels so cold..so calculated. I'm glad that he let us try that new way because it really did help me a lot to focus more on the spanking and to hear what he was saying.

I know that there will be some that think I am staging the punishments, deciding when and where and how...and to some extent I am. TJ could have said no to laying over his lap- he has in the past. He won't allow me to chose the implement. He has given me the option of when to "cash in" but that was his idea. And he will not back down on this rule. I accidentally said the word in a casual conversation about what health insurance we should choose for next year (no attitude, wasn't arguing was just a casual use of the word) and he simply tacked on another 5 to the total.

I think that although he is HOH we still talk about these things as if I can decide. I know that the final decision is his, but I still get to give my input and ask for things: if he decides to go along with my idea then great for me - if not oh well.

So after adding the extra five, minus the 14 he gave last night and the one the night before....my total is = 100. (I think I posted yesterday that I had 100...I was thinking I did and questioned TJ when he said "Ok, just five more to bring us to a flat 100" he explained that I was actually at 109 yesterday (after the 1 stroke from the night before) and the another extra five from when we were mulling over the insurance plans brought me to 114 going into last nights spanking.

Making a payment...

2009-11-09T07:40:00.004-06:00

If you've read my post about my new rule regarding whatever you know that I earned 35 swats for using that particular word. Well, that number is now at 100...I really have no good reason for it other than I was sure he would forget all about the rule (or maybe I hoped).

He has said that I may not pick the implement used but I can pick when I cash them in, and I can cash them in a little at a time. Having said that... I find myself in an impossible position. One that I put myself in, of that I am fully aware.

He told me yesterday (Since it's been quite a few days since he ordered the punishment) that I had until Friday and then he would simply cash it all in for me and that there would be "interest" for waiting so long. I decided to start trying to cash some in and asked him to get a few over with. Of course he was glad to oblige.

So, I'm standing against the door to the laundry room, nightgown pulled up over my hips, forhead pressed against the door...and I wait.. and I feel the cool wooden spoon on my bottom as he rests it there...then he pulls back.....and I chicken out. "I can't!"

We talked. I told him that I was scared because he had promised it was going to hurt and I felt that his only objective was to hurt me and there's no way I can do that. He said that it's a deterrant for using that word....of course it's going to hurt. He did agree to do a warm up first so back to the doorway I went.

---Now to some it may seem I was negotiating my punishment. I was..in a way...he wouldn't back down from all 100 but he did agree to do a warm up because I explained a warm up also helps get my mind set for the punishment a head-----

So, I stood there again holding my nightgown up over my hips and there he stood with the wooden spoon. The warm up was--well a warm-up. I was actually crying a little bit by the end of it- because of my feelings of regret at pushing him not because of the pain. Then came the first stroke. BAHM!!! I jumped away from the door and instantly starting sobbing, it hurt like crazy and I knew that I had so many more to go. "That's one. C'mon get back," he said to me but when he saw that I had tears rolling down my cheeks and was sobbing he changed his mind.

"Ok..Ok...that's enough for tonight," he said in a very soothing voice and tossed the spoon (or was it a hairbrush...I'm not sure now) down and hugged me. He calmed me down and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain it to him but I didn't get the words out right. He decided that we would try again another night...that he had to work on the strength of the swat or something like that. "That wasn't even that hard," he had said- with some concern.

I really don't know why, but for the past few months I have not been able to take a spanking like I used to. Even the lightest of spank will feel like my butt is going to fall off. I don't know how to get past the pain and finish the punishment.

A horrible thought crossed my mind: Maybe I dont' like spanking anymore. GASP! But that can't be it. The very thought of him pulling me over his lap and administering a good sound spanking...well it still gets all the reactions that it used to. Perhaps, its because the spankings have gotten a little cold? He doesn't let me lay over his lap anymore, and he very rarely makes physical contact with me during a spanking and that used to help me tremendously.

I told him that I felt like a failure. He told me that I was far from a failure..I was just having trouble with this one thing and we'd figure it out. "We need to find what works for us both," he had said and hugged me tighter.

I'm very annoyed with myself over this whole thing. One thing TJ had said last night was that he was thinking of tying me down so that I couldn't run away from it. He did do that once before and it did work...I was able to get through it much easier... maybe that will help? I don't know.

I'm really feeling like a fraud and fool. My butt isn't a virgin and yet it feels as though it's never been spanked before.

Anger Managment

2009-11-06T07:52:00.005-06:00

Something I've noticed about submission, perhaps not in general but where it pertains to me: I have a horrible time doing it when I'm mad.

If TJ and I are having a spat or if he has simply upset me I find it very difficult to be obedient - at the very least to be so with a warm heart. I know that I should still obey all of the rules and expectations. My head is fully aware that just because I'm mad that it doesn't mean that the rules vanish or that I'm not expected to follow them; but it's hard.

The other night TJ had gotten me upset- I have no idea why now...I'm sure it was something worth being upset over, though- and I wanted nothing more than to eat all of the Halloween candy sitting on the counter (which isn't allowed without asking but I was mad...see what I'm getting at here?)

It's as if since he has done something to upset me that he no longer has authority... like it voids his HOHness because he has made a mistake. Which is not the way this is supposed to work.. the HOH title can't be conditional.

I'll obey you...just so long as you do everything I say.... Now isn't that a backwards thought or what?

I'm not proud of this way of thinking or the way I behave when he's upset me but in the moment I feel as though I'm right and he has no right telling me what to do.

Ok...let's take that candy example. He made me mad (I wish I could remember why...I know it was justified...I'm sure of it!) and when you are mad at someone how are you supposed to go up to them and ask "Can I please have a piece of candy?"

And...if I had been able to muster up the words and asked for it and he had said no (Which i'm sure he would have because he's getting a lot more use out of that word lately then he has any right to) could I have obeyed his decision?

It's messy. I know that being submissive is being submissive angry, pissy, mad, or happy doesn't matter-right? I don't think so. At least not for me.

TJ says that it's when I'm mad that it's the most important time for me to be obedient. I'm not sure why exactly...I suppose to keep my mind focused. (I'm sure he told me ...but I've been in a pissy mood this week and probably wasn't listening.)

I've read blogs where the wife/woman goes through "training sessions"...I wonder if this is something they work on.. submitting for the sake of submitting?

When I get upset and if I don't obey the rules I always feel worse for it... I am my greatest enemy...it would seem...

Spanko Debt

2009-11-05T08:14:00.003-06:00

Ever hear the phrase: "Your mouth is writing checks your butt can't cash,"?

Well, that phrase was invented for me, I'm sure of it. Even if it was first said decades before my birth, the person saying it must have known about me in some way.

TJ has made a new rule (He's been doing that a lot lately): I am no longer allowed to say the word: "Whatever" Which really sucks because it is the perfect word. It fits so nicely into so many different conversations:

What do you want for dinner? Whatever.
What would you like to drink? Whatever.
No, you can't have any more halloween candy. Fine, whatever.
You can't just go off on me like that cos your mad. Whatever.
10 minutes til bed. Whatever!

See..perfect word. (Although, when I explained that to TJ he tried to use it...and...it's really a girl word I think. Doesn't sound right when a man says it)

Along with this new rule there is a of course a consequence. "5 hard swats for each time the word is said," HUH!?!?

I did pretty good for about two days. Last night (which wasn't a great night all around) I muttered the word under my breath and he heard me...from another room (I think he was listening for it..cos it just fit so nicely into that conversation) "That's 5!" he called from his room.

"Whatever!" I called back.
"Five more!"
"Whatever!!!!" I yelled back.
"That's 15!"
"Whatever!!!!!!!" (this pattern continued until I was up to 35 swats)

Time came to pay the piper. The spanking (for the original crime) didn't go so well...we were both in bad places. He called off the spanking for the night.

"You still owe me 35 for the whatevers, you're not getting out of those," he explained. "You are in Spanko debt!" and he laughed quite hardily at his own jest.

Not funny... at least he's not charging interest! Blech!

Under the weather but not under the radar!

2009-11-02T19:57:00.005-06:00

I have been sick for almost a week. I feel a little better this evening, however, I think it will be short lived. Apparently, being sick is no excuse for having an attitude. I say it's a great excuse to be a little snippy but I don't get a say in this part of our relationship. Hence, my 10 o'clock bedtime has been changed to 9 o'clock (cos I was a smart ass last night about bedtimes in general) and at 8:45 I have a "meeting' with TJ cos of an "attitude" and giving him "Whatever's" in response to his questions.

In any case....I actually got around to posting a short story on EFF and even put up a blurb on my writing blog. So take a peak over there while I'm getting my bottom tanned...

Cowardly Lion

2009-10-31T14:05:00.003-05:00

I used to think that people who are into D/s, BDSM, S&M, DD or whichever label you want to put on it are more adventorous types of people. More outgoing. more willing to seek out the unknown and face it head on. Then there is me.

Take today. TJ is in a wedding today (Yes, on Halloween and no the couple did not bother to actually use the holiday in their theme...just a plain wedding that is taking me away from my kids on their trick or treat day!...but I digress). This wedding happens to be downtown so we decided to splurge and get a hotel room instead of trekking back to my parents house at midnight to get the kiddies and then trek another 45 minutes to get home. Hurray for us a night with no kids (Dont' worry I've brought the essentials...black leather paddle, purple flogger, etc...)

The bride of this wedding decided she wanted the wedding party to be at the hotel at 11:30...6 hrs before the ceremony... so that the photographer can take candids of everyone getting dressed. Fine, I got to check in early and I got to be in the hotel room while TJ was off taking pictures (after we properly got settled in the room WEG)

Here I am. I'm sitting downtown with my computer and have all afternoon to write.
...
......
............

I have nothing. Nada.....my characters in my story have decided they are going to take a holiday today as well. So...I figure...go out...get some lunch.

Problem. I'm not adventurous. I'm not a thrill seeker. I dont' want to go searching the unknown all by myself, at least. I'm in the middle of greek town surrounded by tons of wonderful restaurants and I ended up just grabbing a turkey sandwich in the hotel diner. Which really after paying my 18 dollars for a sandwich and soda...I realized...I could have sat by myself in another restaurant instead... But...I couldn't get my feet to move in the direction of the entrance door to any of the wonderful restaurants I passed on my walk.

This is a quality about myself that annoys me to no end. I have the hardest time meeting people because I don't really want to talk to strangers. Its a comfort zone thing..something perhaps TJ can help me with.. I don't really know.

But one thing I learned today. Just cos people like to be spanking, whipped, dominated or whatever does not mean they have the balls to eat in a restaurant all alone... or is it just me?

Anyhooo... HAPPY HALLOWEEN everyone. I'm off to nap before getting dolled up and heading to the wedding.

As for the leather paddle and the flogger? I'm going to leave them on the bed so TJ can see them right when we walk in tonight...Wonder if it will be a trick or treat for me tonight!? WEG

Believe it or not....

2009-10-26T14:09:00.004-05:00

"About that ice cream you ate tonight.." his eyebrows raised slightly as she blushed in response.

"Huh?"

"I saw the bowl," he stated.

"It doesn't count," she mumbled.

"Go get an ice-cube," he directed.

"Why?" she looked shocked.

"My hand hurts and you need to be punished," was all he said. "Go get an ice cube,"

She walked slowly to the kitchen and retrieved the cube from the freezer. Once back in his office she handed him the frozen cube and wondered what he was going to do with it. She thought about it tracing her nipples and she smiled inwardly...no that would be kinda fun!

"Lay down," he sat back in his chair.

"On my back?" she questioned and he nodded.

"Pull your pants and panties down," his next instruction came and she hesitated a moment before she followed his directions. "Open your legs,"

She stared at him as she slowly spread her legs, feeling the blush overtake her cheeks as he could see all of her. She loved and loathed being looked at in such a fashion.

The next thing she felt was the freezing drippings from the ice cube dripping on her vagina. She sucked in her breath as he lightly touched her clit with ice cube and looked away from him trying to hide the embarrassment.

He was slow in his movements, starting at the top of her lips and moving downward, pausing a short moment before beginning the assent. He rested the cube on her clit again, grinding it gently.

She covered her eyes with her hands and tried not to call out. At first the ice had caused nothing but slight discomfort but the longer he held it in place, the more he ran it up and down her pussy she could feel the burn of it.

"Does it hurt?" he asked her in a husky voice.

"A little," she lied-and he knew it.

"Do you know what else hurts?" he asked and she peeked through her fingers at him. "Disobeying me hurts," he stated and pressed the cube furhter into her folds. "What will you do next time?"

"Ask permission before having sweets!" she answered swiftly earning herself a chuckle.

"That was fast!" he ran the cube up and down her a few more times and then pulled it away. "Ok...pull your pants back up," and he stepped over her to throw the ice cube into the bathroom sink. She first covered herself to help warm her private area, then pulled on her panties and her pajama pants. "Let's take you up to bed," he smiled at her when he returned to the room.

He took her up the stairs to their room, tucked her into bed, kissed her good night and left her to her own thoughts and feelings....

FACT OR FANTASY? YOU DECIDE!

A craving

2009-10-23T16:57:00.002-05:00

I have been reading spanking stories today and it has left me with this enormous urge to be spanked. Not like a little spanking, playful and fun (well...ok a little fun) but a real honest to goodness...not able to sit for a few days, butt hot for an hour spanking!

What is a girl to do? TJ is a little under the weather and I'm not sure if he'll be up to it tonight...

In any event here's my thoughts:

Bent over a table, nude (why nude? I don't know..I actually hate being nude)
a long warm up with a wooden paddle and then a long strapping with his thick black belt. (Again...I hate the belt why crave it tonight?)
Oooh and the pink hair brush we have..that is a nice warm thuddy implement.
...and I wouldn't mind attempting the dowel rod again...after the long warm up..maybe 5 with it?

It's official...I think I've lost my mind.

A new day

2009-10-22T14:44:00.003-05:00

Thank you everyone for your kind words, it really did help me yesterday.

TJ came home from work last night and we exchanged pleasantries. He opted out of having dinner with the family and sat in the living room instead. (He apparently wasn't feeling well) I finished feeding the kids and went into the living room to straighten up the toys that littered the floor.

I sat in the rocker for a few minutes and he asked me "Have you thought about what you want to do?" and I asked him what he meant..the kids were within ear shot and it's very much not like him to strike up a conversation like that around them. "About us." he clarified.

I briefly said that I wanted to know what he was thinking. He said it depended on what I wanted in terms of our DD/ D/s side of the marriage. I was very vague in my answer, since the kids were about to pounce on us any second. "Is it worth ending us?" he questioned and when I didn't answer him right away he said "Never mind, we'll talk later. I shouldn't have brought this up right now," and then I got ready to take our oldest out to story night at school.

I texted him to check the blog if he was interested in what my thoughts were. Yesterday was a very dark day for me. No matter what I did I just felt emotionally exhausted and torn up inside. I tried to drown myself in housework but figured "eh...who cares,"- it was just a horrible day.

After the kids were in bed we talked...and talked....and talked...and talked a bit more. He admitted to not understanding my submissive side all that much and when I said that I was forcing him to be someone he's not- he said "No, your not. I'm just feeling rushed...let it happen naturally,"

I can't say that today everything is hunkey dorey cos it's not, but it's better. I assured him I had no intention of leaving him and apologized a million times for ever saying that to him cos I would feel absolutely devastated if he had said it to me. In the days before DD throwing the "D" word around was not unusual but it has been a loooooooooooooooong time since I did that. Not something I plan to ever repeat.. and I could not feel more remorseful for it. I was hurt and angry and I wanted him to feel the same.

He spanked last night. Not as a punishment but as a "reset" (as I referred to it upon requesting it). Just to re-establish us as us. It was the best spanking I've had in a long time and it worked wonderfully.....that and the make-up sex helped too!

So, as usual it will work out. There's going to be some time for healing first, though I think. It's never pretty when both people go into their dark places during an argument. But, he loves me like crazy and I'm just as smitten with him.

no title

2009-10-21T07:11:00.004-05:00

I would like to say that last night was beyond my wildest fantasies/dreams or that the spanking was a just and fair punishment. I would love to say that all is well here in our home.

But I can't.....well, I could but that would be lying- which is a skill I have never mastered.

It's all gone wrong. Very very very wrong. There was an argument- a fight of disastrous proportions. The horrible "D" word was thrown out, judgments were passed, feelings were trampled on.

I have never felt so raw, so vulnerable, so rejected and so utterly alone than I do right this moment, and did last night. I find myself wishing I had never stumbled upon this world of spanking, control and submission. If I had never found my submissive side, would we both be happier?

Is there a way to take these submissive feelings, these needs I have, and shove them away? Hide them from even myself? Because if there's a way I think I would like to do just that.

Shouldn't a person feel loved even if their husband doesn't spank them or discipline them or give a rats ass what she's up to? Shouldn't hugs and kisses do the same as whips and paddles? Is there something wrong with a person who feels more in touch with their partner because he has given permission or denied permission to do something?

In Secretary there is a part of the movie where Lee is walking home through the park and she says "Because he gave his permission....because he insisted... I felt held by him..." (Not the exact words but close enough) That just sums it up nicely I think....and I can't get TJ to understand. I wont' place blame on him. He's done the best he can..no scratch that...he's done the best he's willing to do.

I can't play the submissive and the Dominant parts at the same time. I can't give information when information isn't wanted. Life isn't a play...I can't stop the scene to give directions to the players.

It's all a very big mess and I feel utterly lost and foolish.

.

And on the 6th day....

2009-10-20T07:45:00.004-05:00

I have been having trouble in an area of our bedroom activities and TJ thought to help me with it. His help was simple denial for one week. That denial ends tonight and TJ has promised that all of my waiting will be well rewarded.

Problem: Last night he tucked me in bed at 10:15....I had a book in my hand and he gave me a lopsided grin and asked if I planned to read. I nodded yes and mustered up the most adorable pleading smile I could...it worked. "Fifteen minutes then lights out," he kissed me and headed out of the room. I turned out the lights at 11:59.. if you did the math right you will see I was 1.5 hrs late. I had to finish the book...and really he should know this about me.

When I was younger I'd stay up until dawn finishing a book and then get about 2 hrs sleep before getting up for school. My father, who worked nights, would come home around 3 am and check on me in my room (cos he saw my light on from the street) "Just a few more minutes then put it away," he'd say. I'd nod, say good night...and finish the book (Do you see the pattern? It's not my fault really)

This morning I woke up cranky as all get out. I ended up snapping at one of the kids and TJ asked me what was wrong. I was near to tears. I had disobeyed him and was sure he'd cancel tonight's activities. I decided to come clean and I told him that I had gone to bed only a few minutes before he had come to bed.

"We'll talk about it tonight," he said. I asked to be let off since I didn't mean to disobey..but I had to finish the book. "You disobeyed me, no, I can't let it go,"

I was worried he'd cancel the fun stuff and he assured me that as long as I didn't do anything else during the day there wouldn't be any cancellation. We'd deal with last night then move on to the fun things.

Next problem: How do you do that? I tried explaining that I can't switch from punishment to fun time that easily. That I was looking forward to a fun spanking and now it would be a bad one (which he agreed that it would be bad) I asked if I could just write him an essay and he laughed.

So there it is. I suggested we handle the punishment right when I get home from work (before we watch our Tuesday show) then we could have fun time afterwards. He said "You get home right before Sons starts," to which I replied "It wasn't that bad of an infraction...do it during a commercial" and was rewarded with another chuckle.

Here's hoping I get through the day without any more trouble!

Nothing to report

2009-10-16T14:47:00.003-05:00

I am way behind in reading my blogs, writing any blog entries and barely got out my FFF entry.

I'm not even sure what to write about today... No spankings, nothing of real interest to report. Well, there has been one slight development but it would fall under the TMI category for the time being, so I'll keep it to myself for now.

Since there's nothing of interest to report as of now...why dont' you head over to my writing blog and check out my FFF entry. Or head over to Spanky's site and read through all the FFF entries!

Happy Friday I am praying for a spanking this weekend. I have asked for one and he said yes....the "when' is up to him...so who knows!

It's monday!! UP UP UP!!!

2009-10-12T14:44:00.004-05:00

This morning the alarm went off, waking me from a very comfortable slumber. I shut it off and tried to remember what day it was. Once I realized it was Monday I nudged TJ and woke him up.

"It's Monday. You have to get up," He growled and rolled over. I nudged him again. "You have to get up!" and he moaned again, opened his eyes to look at the clock, I figured my job was done and closed my eyes again. I did not go back to sleep; I can't go back to sleep until he's out of bed so I laid there only half dozing. I looked at the clock again and nudged him harder. "It's almost seven! Get up!" and he growled a bit more. I kept nudging him until he finally got out of bed. At this point he was going to be late for work.

I got up, showered, got the baby along with the girls, and finished dressing and making the bed. We all went downstairs. TJ said to me "You need to make sure I'm up. Wake me up nicely but make sure I'm up. I overslept."

I looked at him and balked. "No! You are a grown man! The alarm goes off, I wake you up so that the alarm doesn't wake the kids, but you are a grown man! Get up when I wake you! I'm not gonna keep myself awake to keep nudging you.. Fine! I'll just shove your ass out of bed, that should wake you up,"

He walked away saying that he would just get second alarm clock.

After he was done showering I went into our bedroom and apologized for talking to him that way. I was being cranky and shouldn't have snapped at him. He said it was fine, I had just gotten up and he wasn't mad.

"Don't you get up to shower anyway?" he asked.

"Well, I try to sleep as long as I can," I admitted. "But that never works cos you wont' get up, and I worry that you'll be late for work," I complained. "If you want me to get up at 6 then tell me to get up at 6," I said before my brain could stop my mouth. He looked at me thougthfully for a second.

"Yes, that's a good idea. You get up at 6 now. That way the morning won't be hectic for you, too. As long as the kids sleep that is. You can get up, get me up, shower and get the morning stuff done without so much hurry," Damn him for listening to me!

So now..not only to do I have an actual bedtime I also have a set time to get up in the morning. It's not that bad...he has it set so I'm getting 8 hrs of rest, and i know he's right about the bedtime. Left up to me, I stay up til midnight and then am a complete monster in the morning.

I'm happy with this... just adjusting to it, I suppose. I wonder how I shall wake him up tomorrow...he did stress "NICELY" several times...think he doesn't trust me? LOL It will be hard, he is harder to wake than the dead most of the time.

And..for all of you dirty minded folks out there...That way won't work! WEG

Want To Vs. Have To

2009-10-11T12:30:00.004-05:00

A few nights ago TJ and I were watching TV together late at night. TJ finally told me a few things he had been thinking about; a few changes he wanted to make.

1.) I am to learn how to mend clothes. - I hate mending, as far as I'm concerned if there's a hole, toss it.
2.) I am to be ready (teeth brushed and pj's on) for bed by 10 pm without complaint.
3.) he wants me to make his lunch for work every day.

#3 has been taken back and isn't really a rule now. Let me explain. When he told me about that I reminded him that we had tried that at one point and it didn't work out. I, also, pointed out that I'm already busy in the mornings getting the kids ready for school and the baby doesn't make it easy in the morning. He didn't really see those things as a good reason not to expect me to make his lunch. I can easily get the lunches (his and the 5 yr olds) ready the night before. As for what worked before or didn't work before...not relevant. This is now, he said.

We talked about it some more and I said. "I like making your lunch for you, and I do try to get it done," to which he agreed but said that he was wanting me to make it a priority. I then went on to explain. "I like doing it because it makes you happy, and I want to make you happy. But if you make it a 'have to', I'm afraid that it will just be one more thing on my to-do list and I'll become overwhelmed."

As it is I am the cooker, cleaner, close washer, homework helper (he does this too, just not as much), family accountant...along with my very part-time job and trying to get my writing off the ground, as well as getting my papers in order to go back to college. I'm afraid that taking on his personal things like that might make me feel resentful towards him.

I don't want to give the impression that he's a lazy bum and does nothing. That's not the case.

After our discussion about the additional rules, (I did mention to him I thought the bedtime sucked...which made him laugh but not change his mind) he decided to take away the lunch rule. He explained that it was something he'd like but that he understood what I meant.

He, also, said that he will never make a rule or dictate something that makes me feel 'less than'. That if a rule was making me feel bad (not "uncomfortable"...because "uncomfortable" could only mean I'm trying something new) or was making me feel unappreciated or unloved that he would revoke that rule without a problem. He doesn't want to 'hurt' me...at least emotionally...some of the things he's wanting to do to me physically are definitely going to hurt. WEG

I love to do the things for him that make him happy and feel loved but when it becomes a rule, it sort of takes away from the joy of it. Maybe I should do it because he says I have to, maybe I should be feeling good because he's given me a dictate (and isn't that what I wanted?) but that's not the case. In the end he said to forget it as a rule and we would just see how it goes.

The kicker is: I try really hard to make his lunch normally anyway. However, as soon as he said it was a rule... I didn't want to anymore. The thought "I don't have enough things I have to do in the morning or to get ready for the next day...now I have one more!?" popped in my head and I felt a slight surge of resentment/anger.

Does this make me less submissive or less then what I want to be? I dunno. I don't think it makes me less submissive to him of that I'm almost positive. Maybe a different kind of submissive then I had thought I was...

Energy conservation!

2009-10-08T18:57:00.005-05:00

Being stressed out takes an enormous amount of energy!

So, I'm unloading it all onto you,unsuspecting readers.

1. Too many parents have volunteered to help with the party I'm organizing for my 5 yr old's class.
2. One parent decided to "write in" what she wants to donate to the party on the donation sheet I sent home. Apparently my request for cupcakes (which too many ppl said yes to, as well) was not to her liking..so she wrote in another line for "halloween cookies" and checked it off.
3. I haven't written anything new all week and that is driving me nuts.
4. My mother has decided that instead of us taking her and my dad out for dinner to celebrate their anniversary, they will just be coming over to my house... so now I have to cook.
5. I haven't had a spanking IN WHAT FEELS LIKE FOREVER!!!!!!!

I think #5 is really the bugger of them all! The party stuff...I'll figure that out...I'll have to disappoint a few parents who want to attend, I'll have to tell cookie lady thanks but no thanks to the damn cookies (cupcakes are enough for any 5 yr old to stuff down their face after lunch..they'll be winning candy all afternoon from the games on top of it)

Then there is this thing..this un-named thing hanging over me. We've decided that the whole "Blech" thing was hormone related and now things are back on track...sort of. Yesterday, I mentioned to TJ (in my journal...cos I still have trouble verbalizing some of all this to him) that I think I needed a way to get into my "groove" after I get home from work. (which is only 1-2 times a week). I also mentioned the word "Rituals" of sorts...

As he tucked me in last night he told me that he had been thinking the same thing lately and had a few ideas. What are those ideas? Good question. As soon as I get the answer I just might pass it along... maybe not.....I find myself a little more gun-shy when it comes to talking about this area.

I'm not ashamed of it...it's just totally new waters for me. This isn't just spanking anymore. The road has turned and I have absolutely no idea where it's going and my biggest fear is the unknown...if it's unknown, how can I control it?

See, stress takes up too much damn energy. I'm going to have a piece of homemade (by me, thank you very much!) apple pie and then I'm going to write something kinky for flash fiction friday, that you will find on my writing blog tomorrow.

It's fate! part 2

2009-10-04T09:44:00.005-05:00

Lately,I have been brushing up on my grammar. (Not that you will see the benefit of my work here ...I'm not in grammar mode right now lol)

Anyway...I was on a site, grammar-monster, that has lessons, tests, examples and such. Well, I turned to the section on colons today and what do I behold???

Need I say more?

On empty...literally!

2009-10-03T20:43:00.003-05:00

I don't know why I can't simply be content when I'm content!

I mean really! Things were moving along splendidly. We have been happy..well except for the whole Blech issue, which is slowly moving away. I've been following the rules without even much effort. We've had some fun and he's even given me a little treat this week because of how happy I've been making him and visa versa.

So what do I do? I muck it up!

I don't know why but I have such a horrid time keeping gas in the van at the level in which he requires it. I just kept saying to myself "Stop tomorrow. The girls are in the car and you have get out cos you're using cash...ugh..just go tomorrow" Well, tomorrow finally came...... today when the gas light went on...with TJ in the van with me.

The light popped on and I started to laugh, cos it was a little funny since I had just reminded myself to go to the gas station...tomorrow. "We need to stop for gas," I smiled at him and he looked over at the console and made a face. I can't even really describe the face...not angry, but not amused... more annoyed I suppose.

So I laughed all the way to gas station while he kept an eye on the gas gauge. "I can get all the way to work on that light! Stop worrying!" I said to him, which did not improve his glare. We were literally 1.5 miles from the gas station, we were going to be just fine.

I pulled into the station, aimed for the pump I wanted, and took my foot off the gas and coasted to the pump exclaiming "OH NO...I don't know if we are gonna make it!" (Insert laughter)

He pulled my hair! Yes...the man actually pulled on my ponytail. Not only that, he then said: "You are pumping!" Because it was raining. I just laughed more. I made a few more smart ass comments about gas pumping. (They were really funny comments, too. TJ even laughed at them)

I went in, paid for the gas and went back to pump it. He came out of the car and offered to finish cos he was going crazy with the kids in the van. (Who were having a 'who can scream the loudest' contest..yes all 3 of them...nice that the girls included the baby)

We had a short chat. Nothing serious, he mentioned that he was looking forward to coming home tonight. Something about it not mattering if I was asleep, he'd just wake me up. The last thing he said before I left him to finish was that he would "Grab the paddle you don't like and go to town on your ass!" which I'm sure the guy at the next pump heard. I just laughed and hopped in the car.

Yes, it was all funny..at the time. Before he left for his evening out he kissed me and looked into my eyes and said "I can't wait to get home!" and slapped my bottom, told me to be good and headed out.

Ok...so maybe I was pushing for a spanking cos I haven't had one in a while. I really dont' want a punishment, though. I know the gas thing is big to him, not to me at all, but to him it is.

Since it's a big issue for him...shouldn't it be a big issue for me? His wants and his rules should be a priority to me. Not just when I want them to be.

Like if he made a rule that I was totally in agreement with I could be on board 100%. I want to be on board with the rule even if I think it's stupid but it's a big thing to him.

I want him to be proud of me again, I want to hear how happy he is with me again. All kidding aside... I want to hear that "good girl" again. (Have I ever mentioned how weak in the knees I get when he says that?) I want to submit to even the dumb things, not just the things I think are important...isn't that the point of being submissive...or at least some part of it?

I think my funk is ending and I just finding a new groove or something. I dont' really know.... He's not going to be home for another 2 hrs or so. I have an urge to watch "Secretary"...so I shall.

...maybe he'll come home and have forgotten. Will that be a good thing or bad?

Blech!

2009-10-01T14:09:00.003-05:00

That's how I've been feeling lately.

I struggle sometimes between what I want to say and what I should say. As if there is a line I've drawn somewhere about what I want talk about on this blog and where my relationship with TJ is and I feel as though I'm teetering on the that line.

As if something I say might shock someone to the point that they never return. Or that someone who has found my blog by looking into domestic discipline might be turned off because I'm 'too extreme' or something. Obviously, I do not tell ALL on here mostly because some things aren't for public consumption when it comes to my marriage. However, lately I feel as though I'm censoring myself for the sake of others.

When I think rationally I think: This is my blog, I started it to help give me an outlet for just throwing out the ideas that were banging around in my head. I need to simply stay true to myself and post whatever feelings I have rattling around my head.

For example: Last night TJ was tucking me into bed and expressing his concerns about me lately. I had told him yesterday morning that I was losing the 'submissiveness urge' and it was getting me down. He's concerned because he doesn't like to see me unhappy.

It's not that I'm not happy. It's just that where a few weeks ago I was happier then a pig in mud sitting on the floor beside his computer chair rubbing his feet (Something I used to growl about doing for him) while we chatted about the day, now I find myself growling again about doing it.

He said last night when I groaned as he laid next to me in the living room and put his feet on my lap, "You'll do it because you love to make your husband happy," he reminded me. I just rolled my eyes and removed his socks. He was right, of course, and doing that simply act did make me feel better a little bit.

Then when I asked him why he wasn't naked in bed with me, when he was done telling me how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy his answer was "Because I decide when I come to bed with you," I moaned a bit but the butterflies did flutter a bit in my tummy. Then, just to tease me, he slid his hand under the blanket and tormented me.

"I hate that you can do that to me," I complained when he stopped two seconds into the torture and my heart was racing, my mind spinning, and every ounce of my body yearning for him just by a subtle touch and well worded whisper.

"I love it!" he smiled and kissed me.

Ok...this posted started off on one road and landed somewhere else... that pretty much sums up my brain lately. BLECH!

Every where I look!

2009-09-26T20:41:00.003-05:00

I've been all over the net trying to find craft supplies and party ideas for my 5 year old's halloween party at school. (I signed up to be the party organizer this year...yes I'm nuts). Anyhoo...so I'm off in the vanilla world wide web and what happens? I get snuckered right back to spanking!!!

There is no help for me! This is on the front page of a craft website for halloween crafts:

The Bed...

2009-09-26T08:01:00.003-05:00

I'm working something through my head and I'm going to play it all out right here. Maybe once I've gotten it out of my head I will better understand my own thoughts on the subject.

The other night when TJ wanted to spank me for my "whatever" attitude I was a bit hesitant. Acutally, I was downright defiant at first. I told him it would do no good and I simply did not get into position for him. He won't ever force me into position, I have to accept the punishment being given to me. He stared at me for a few minutes and I could tell he wasn't really sure what to do with me. He was displeased, that much was evident, but he was also unsure.

Finally he threw the belt down and said "Fine. Go to bed. You wont' take your punishment, go to bed. Take the blue blanket with you," he ordered referring the the fleece throw on the couch.

"Why?" I questioned.

He went on to explain that I was not to sleep in the bed. That if I wouldn't be obendient and take my punishment that I would spend the night on the floor. That sleeping in bed with him was not a right but a privilege and since he had every intention of sleeping in bed I was to curl up on the floor.

What the.... ???? you may be asking....yeah...me too. What ball field did that ball come flying out of?!

I just stared at him open mouthed at first. Obviously, if you read my last post, I took my punishment....which really didn't turn out to be a punishment but an open door to a much needed discussion.

Later, that evening once we were in bed together, I asked him if he had really planned on letting me sleep on the floor. He answered that he was fully prepared to let me sleep on the floor.

Here is my issue.
1) A privilege not a right?
2) I doubt I'd ever actually comply with sleeping on the floor..I dont' think...would I?
3) I didn't argue it. I didn't say "No that's not ok" instead I did what I had to do in order for that situation not to happen.

I feel like I'm in some middle world. Not quite in DD country but not in D/s land either... I know...don't label it.

We've had a talk about our limits and such. Things I will NOT do or tolerate and he things he will NOT do or tolerate. This is new territory for me and I could seriously use a GPS or a flipping compass would even help.

post update: I talked with TJ this morning, after this post was sent out (I had it scheduled). He explained that it wasn't the bed that was the issue but him being in it with me. I thought to keep himself away from me was a horrible punishment and that's why we had implemented DD in our marriage to begin with. To keep us from avoiding each other. What he meant was that if I'm not going to take a punishment that we had agreed to then he wouldn't share our bed with me. So...I think I've worked this through.... I think..................

A little Update

2009-09-25T19:47:00.003-05:00

Just as I finished posting the other night about how wonderful everything was going here...I got myself into trouble!

I'll be honest, I don't remember what set me off or even what I said but I said just enough to get TJ upset. Tj has been favoring his belt lately. I, on the other hand, despise the black leather creature and wish I could somehow accidentally destroy the beast.

The spanking wasn't that long but it adequately got us past the issue. The thing about TJ is no matter how stern he is before and during the spanking he is all gooey love afterward. He always hugs and kisses me and asks me to reaffirm that I love him. The lovemaking was also nice. (I'm snickering here, cos it was actually mind blowing passionate sex)

Yesterday was not the best of days for me. I found out that I will most likely be needing surgery on a part of my body most people would rather not have another human being (other then your S/o) look at much less operate on. I was not feeling very good about it at all and instead of telling TJ about how unsexy I felt I just threw the word "whatever" at him whenever he warned me for my tone.

Finally having enough of that he beckoned me to his office. I followed, reluctantly, and tried to tell him that I wasn't in the right frame of mind and that spanking me would get us no where. Boy was I wrong! The spanking did not fix my emotions, however, it got me to tell him what my emotions were. Once I blurted out what was wrong with me he sat back and dropped his belt. He had me curl up on his lap and we talked.

He was totally loving and supportive. He did explain that if I'm feeling something like that it's not an excuse to act out, that I am suppose to tell him so he can help me. He can't fix the physical thing that's wrong but he can help me to emotionally deal with it.

So by being open and vulnerable with him I have allowed him to love me, all of me. Who knew!

Submissive= Sexy

2009-09-23T19:51:00.005-05:00

I think I've mentioned before that TJ and I have been delving a bit deeper, lately, into our relationship. I've put more effort into being obedient and giving myself over to him more. Not just sexually but in all areas of myself.

I'm feeling a bit shy for some reason, I don't usually feel shy on my blog. After all, it's my blog, although everything I post is true, my identity is completely hidden. (except from the 1 rl friend of mine who has the address but is too afraid to come peek) So, it's not as if I'm going turn the corner and bump into a reader and they are going to point and laugh at me..but none the less tonite I'm feeling shy. So, I wont' go more into the details of what has changed over the past few weeks..only to say that they have and that it's been going awesomely well.

I've started a journal for TJ. I put things in there that I'm a bit embarrassed to verbalize directly to his face.The other day , I had a few questions regarding this new adventure of ours and one was asking him if he's been happy with the changes. Before he even read the entry he made a point of telling me that he was thinking during the day how happy he has been. That he has been thinking more and more about me and our relationship lately, more so then ever before. Thereby answering my question before it was asked.

He then told me later on the same evening how sexy I've been. Now...I'm home with the kids all day, and am either running errands, dropping a kid off at school, or doing school work with them. I've been better at getting one some makeup on before he gets home but usually I look a wreck...he said "You've been more obedient...much more submissive to me lately...I dunno...it's just really sexy!"

I won't label this change, and I won't even label myself for once. I am just his wife, his obedient, submissive, sexy wife. And I find nothing sexier then his dominant personality that is shining through. We have never felt more natural or loving towards each other.

I will go into it more later.....maybe.

I am woman!

2009-09-19T22:18:00.003-05:00

I was driving home this evening from a family dinner at my parents house. TJ is out for the evening helping his childhood friend celebrate the ending of his single life as he knows it, and embrace his future as a married man.

I had the radio on to help keep me awake while driving down the darkened roads and after a song finished the DJ came on with some blurb about advice to men out there on dates with women. He stated (supposedly from some article or something) that there are 4 things men should absolutely NOT do while on a date.

1. Order for her
2. Open the door for her
3. Pull out her chair for her
4. Carry her purse

He made some smart ass remark about women's lib and blah blah blah. Is this true?

Are men really being told to be less gentlemanly? Are women so insecure about their own feminine qualities that they feel a man holding a door for them would make them weak and feeble in the eyes of society? Really?

Aside from #4 I don't see how any of these things makes me less womanly or why they would make me feel weak. I am all for women's rights. We are just as smart, just as capable as any man out there but that doesn't mean we are men. I am a woman, just look up my skirt and you can tell. (well not really...I don't really wear skirts..but I digress)

Tj often will order for me. He doesn't pick my meal but if I've told him what I'm planning on ordering he will order for me. "She'll have the...and I'll have the..." Oh, but if he were to pick my meal..what a whirlwind of emotions that would cause. All of them warm and fuzzy...at least I think.

Opening the door for me? Not only do I love it when he does this (with three kids in tow it's really a survival technique to get through the doors at all) I love it more when he places his hand on the small of my back as if to lead me through it. My father does this as he walks a woman through a doorway..at least to my mom and myself and my sister. Never does he do this to another man. Unless you count grabbing my brother by the scruff of his neck and shoving him through the door because he's walked ahead of my mother.. lol (again I digress)

Holding out the chair for me. He's never done this, that I remember. I don't see how it would make anyone feel 'less than' though.

The purse thing...well...ok..I have to agree with this. Don't carry my purse...it just looks silly. lol

I was thinking about this as I continued my drive and about my son. What to teach him as he grows into a man. Respect women, adore them, love them, care for them, and always be a gentlemen (even if they aren't very ladylike). Never think you are better then a woman simply because of your anatomy.

I don't understand how we went from wanting equality in the voting booth and the work place to wanting to be utterly unfeminine? There are two different sexes out there. Male. Female. What is so damn wrong with that?

It's fate!

2009-09-17T07:53:00.003-05:00

I have been browsing the web for some school activities for the kiddies to here at home. I don't homeschool (yet) but I do a lot of school stuff here at home. I signed up this morning for a website that has tons and tons of worksheets, projects, printable books, and craft ideas. I did the usual sign up stuff and they sent me my user id and password.

What do I see: bottom53... it was meant to be... nuff said.

Clothes pins!

2009-09-16T17:40:00.005-05:00

I have no idea why but I saw a 24 pack on sale at the store today and I picked them up and threw them in the cart. For drying clothes perhaps? Nope...don't have a clothes line. For arts and crafts with the kids? Possibly...that would make a good cover I suppose. But when I picked them up those were not things on my mind. The things on my mind were dirty, dark, and totally embarrassing were I to verbalize them.

This started when our oldest daughter brought home a craft from school with two of the wooden pins attached. I sent a flirtatious text: Any ideas what to do with those two clothes pins now that she destroyed the craft?
What I got in return: Stop it. Those are H's.

A few hours later I glance at the clearance table at the local store and there they are sitting. A package wrapped in plastic wrap with a large picture of a wooden clothes pin. $0.90 Unable to pass up a sale... I pick them up, toss them in the cart and continue on. Here's the really strange thing. I've only 'played' with such items once in my life and it was many many years ago and it was really just trying them out (you know..put one on see what its like, scream and throw them all away and curse yourself for the fool you are) So now I have the little buggers and they are staring me in face.

Will I tell Tj I bought them or will I hide them away in my drawer where a few other dark secrets are kept? If I show him will he laugh me off or will he raise his delicious eyebrow in that way that makes me shiver and beckon me into his office?

Day at the dentist.

2009-09-10T20:05:00.002-05:00

I've had to get some work done on my teeth these past few weeks. (oh joy!) Last week when I was at the office I used my time wisely while the dentist was drilling my teeth, pulling my cheek this way, pushing my face that way...by thinking up a new idea for a spanking story that is currently being worked on.

So, today on the way to my appointment I had two thoughts:
1) think about the next chapter of said story.
2) Replay last night with TJ in my mind.

Since last night with TJ included some toast buttering (thanks Spanky for that term) and I was still a bit excited about said night time activity I chose #2. (how is that for a subject while some strange man is digging around your mouth! LOL)

My plan was to replay the evening in writing terms. I was going to write an erotic story about the event in my head so that I could go home type it up and place it on the erotic fiction blog. What happened, however, was that I was cracking myself up.

The office I go to is very efficient, I had walked in the door and they were waiting for me, I got in the chair and the dentist flew right in to start the numbing process. (I think the man is a machinist...he took so damn long to give each shot and I think he was enjoying himself too much at my discomfort) Well this process gets my adrenaline going and I kind of float off into a fun place. (Like getting high without the drugs)

Dentist comes back in to start the rest of his planned torture session and I put my plan into action. However, what thought keeps running through my mind?

"......I wonder what it would be like to give a blow job all numb like this....I can't even feel my tongue....Would I slobber all over him?.....Wow..I really can't feel my tongue...would that help or hinder my ability?" and I had to stifle a laugh at the image in my head of me trying to doing the deed with TJ and my mouth being in the condition that it was in.

Tonights Mood....

2009-09-06T22:24:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling troubled this evening. I dont' really know how to explain it.

TJ and I had a bit of a tiff today. It was over nothing really and we both just lost our heads. Looking back we both know it was because of how tired we were and how frustrated we both were at the situation that we found ourselves in at the moment. Anyway, the little nothing turned into something and then once the kids went to bed it's back to nothing. Apologies were given, a short talk about the why and how to better the situation and then it was over.

No spanking is pending. And that is where I feel troubled. He has a point, he did lose his temper, too. (If not a bit more then me) He doesn't feel justified in dishing out a spanking when he was just as wrong. I pointed out that I actually started the whole thing with my attitude...none the less. No spanking is pending.

It's not a punishment that I feel I'm missing out on. Although, I think what I did was punishable I understand his point that he did basically the same thing. It's the reconnection. It's the period at the end of the sentence. The physical show of the love he has for me.

The spanking isn't always about punishing the criminal. Sometimes, it's just the eraser over the blackboard. I don't know how else to put it.

There is no spanking pending....and I feel troubled by that.

Submissive Picture

2009-09-02T11:53:00.005-05:00

I was doing a search for "submissive" images on google this afternoon so that I could get a "muse" for a short fiction for the team blog I'm now a part of (Erotic Flash Fiction) and I came across this picture. I was completely mesmerized by it. So much so that I just stared at it for at least 2 minutes.

To me it just screams love and dominance. Look at the way he's gripping her hair, the way she's pressed into his belly. I can almost smell his skin, feel the gruffness of his hold on her. The wedding ring displayed on his free hand catches my eye as well. I don't know if it's because I've been having a rough week this week or if it's cos my hormones are raging or what but I could really go for being held in such a way today.

9/3/09: Update..if you want to see what I came up with go here. Thanks!

Absolutely Elated

2009-08-25T08:07:00.002-05:00

Since my last post TJ and I have had a "serious" talk about our marriage. TJ expressed his concern with moving forwards towards anything 'more' right now because he felt that we haven't gotten the basics down yet.. i.e. I'm not obeying enough and still fight him for control.

We've discovered that we each saw our marriage at different points. I thought we were further along and ready for the next step and he felt that we were still at the starting line. He said that he is open to "more" in our marriage and even wants it but that right now it isn't the time.

One thing that I've learned is that I have to stop trying to put a label on us and myself. Am I a vanilla woman who likes to be spanked? A slave? A submissive? Who cares! I am me, plain and simple and I have to start realizing that it doesn't matter how other couples manage thier relationships, that should not effect me. My focus needs to be on our marriage and me, not trying to keep up with the Jones's.

That said. I've been trying really hard the past few days to pay attention to TJ. I've been not arguing with him over stupid things and when he gives an order I've been trying really hard to obey it without question or complaint. Last night when TJ was putting me to bed he thanked me for all of the hard work I've been doing. He said that he's noticed how much effort I've been putting in and how hard I've been trying. He got that mushy "I love you" look in his eyes as he petted my hair (something I find very comforting and he know that).

I asked him if he likes me this way and he said "Oh yes! You've been happier, more clear headed, and that makes me very happy"

I was so happy with myself and with us that I near exploded with it. My heart was so swelled with pride and joy that I thougth it would burst in my chest. I had the biggest smile on my face last night as I drifted off to sleep. (Which was hard to do given the face that I was so full of emotion). I then compared that feeling to how I feel after I'm punished. Yes, I feel loved after a spanking but the feeling I had last night was SOOO MUCH BETTER! I was making him happy and I was just...well... elated!

it was a good night!

Travel down a new road? A rant!

2009-08-21T08:18:00.004-05:00

Some background:

When I first found this world of spanking/submission, HOH, kinky sex, what ever category you want to place this all in, I was so enthralled with it all I couldn't get enough of it. TJ was away when I discovered it all. I don't remember now if he was deployed at the time or simply gone for field exercise..but none the less, he wasn't home.

I came across this world and me having absolutely no patience, no knowledge, and being all of 19/20ish jumped head first into it. I looked up everything, read everything, joined chat rooms, and by the time I talked with TJ about it all I was sure I wanted it ALL and I wanted it NOW. I wanted to be his slave, his sub, his wife, his whatever. I wanted beatings and I wanted to be completely controlled and I wanted it all right at the moment I told him about it.

Needless to say the man was a bit taken a back when we had our conversation. We were very young, only married a year (maybe two) and I was (am?) a very stubborn, thick headed, know it all, control freak of a woman how could I possibly give up control that I've been ripping from him since the day we met?

It was a complete mess! My fantasies never came to reality (well duh...I know) he never took control (how could he with me directing him what to do?) and the idea of completely controlling me was not very appealing to him. I settled for just spanking and the occasionally kinky sex scene..even started my own website about it (cos I knew everything within a month or so! *shaking head* I was so stupid!) I closed down that site only a month or so later because I simply was too ignorant to keep it up, I finally realized I knew nothing. (This was before blogs)

TJ finally told me he had no interest in being in control of me on any level. SPLAT! Dreams shattered. I sucked it up and we moved on. (fun spankings were a norm with us so that didn't go away...they didn't put *spanky* under my highschool photo in the yearbook for nothin WEG)

Fast forward...we tried a few more times with the D/s or whatever you want to call it each time it failing miserably. Finally, we tried simple DD (yes, I'm aware DD isn't simple) and it stuck...and has stuck for well over a year now (after 10 yrs of marriage!)

Lately, I've had different feelings. Wanting something deeper..something MORE. It's all very confusing to me and I'm having a hard time pinpointing what it is I want.

The past few weeks I've tried being more "serving" to TJ. What I found is I kinda liked it. Plating his dinner (which I kinda always did), getting his lunch together (when I had time, kids first he says), shaving in places he likes me shaved, etc... Then a few times this week he's told me (in regards to me getting something or making something for him) "I can do it myself," and the tone was kind of annoyed.

I felt completely rejected. Isn't that odd? All I was going to do was get him (I think it was) tea and he said "I can do it myself" and last night when I said "Let's go make Daddy his dinner" to the baby when TJ walked in (he was home late and we had all eaten already) he said agian "I can get it myself," with the same tone.

Last night, I had gotten in trouble for talking rudely too him (which I think was a result of me feeling rejected and instead of talking to him I was disrepectful). After the spanking he sent me to bed (as usual), when he came to tuck me in he could see something was wrong and when I tried to explain it all to him he appologized.

He told me that he didn't want me overdoing it now that I'm home more. He said he didn't want me to think I "had" to do things for him. He was just trying to keep me from over doing it, but I saw it as a rejection. He told me that if he ever says anything or does anything that makes me feel like that again I am to tell him right away. During the conversation he also said "I dont' want a slave...well...I do...just not you being the slave" My heart just broke when he said that until he explained (cos he could see in my face that it hurt) "No, no...I don't mean it like that. I mean, yes it would be nice to have a slave to do all my chores and stuff..but I don't mean 'slave' like how you mean slave." he was trying to be funny but it backfired. "Do you want to be a slave?" he asked me and I just shook my head. "No, I don't have that in me to do that,"

URRGGHH! I have no flipping idea what I want or need!!! I know that I love it when he tells me to do something. My heart soars when he says things like "Yes, you can go to the library if your bring your wrist bands" (for my carpal tunnel that I avoid like the plague) and when he said "I have a chore for you....." I got a little high. When I disappoint him it hurts me. Like last night just going into his room at the allotted time made my heart sink, not just because he was holding his belt in his hand but because I knew I had upset him, again.

So here I sit, confused, frusterated, and feeling awfully alone. I dont want to dive into what I dove into before. I dont want to confuse him and I feel like I'm changing his role or telling him 'Be more like *this*"... I want him to be who he is and is he dominant? Is he capable of being more controlling or more interested in what I do? Is he even interested in doing that...and what if we do start down this new road and I say "Wait..I don't like it...let's back off again"

Ok...I'm gonna go sign up the little one for preschool now, run my errands, do my chores, and get the kiddies the lunch I promised them.. Maybe through all of this "normal" activity I will regain my senses.

Thanks for tuning in for this weeks rant and rave... check back soon and you might see a raving lune running about with no panties and a whip in hand!