I wonder if there is a switch inside of me that I can flip and make this all go away. Can I ignore this part of me, this urge I have to be what I crave to be? Well....I shall find out.
I haven't spoken to TJ about any of this and I don't plan to. He told me the other day we were going to talk about "this" part of our relationship, because of a comment I had made. It wasn't going to be a spanking or anything like that, he just wanted to talk about it. it wasn't a disrespectful comment or anything that would get me into trouble, just a general comment. That was three days ago. I did mention it to him that night after the kids were in bed and he kinda sighed in that way men sigh when they are about to be tortured with another talk about feelings. I didn't push the issue, he was the one who wanted to talk about it, I just got my soda and waited. He turned the TV on and forgot all about me being there. I let it go.
TJ told me once, not too long ago. "We talk about this all the time." I had shut down during that conversation because I didn't want to be overbearing to him. He assured me quickly, when he saw how hurt that comment made me, that it was fine, he didn't mind. However, I still remember it. The tone, the expression he had, the exasperation I saw in him. I don't bring it up to him anymore.
I'm tired, I'm just so damn tired. I can't force him to be the Dom I want. I can't force him to take control of things. He said to me a little while ago that we would find a way to make this all work, he just needed to find out how to do it so that he didn't sound fake. (because he's faking it) I told him that it was fine, not to worry, that we can just forget it. "Sure, and in five years when your 'working late' every night, what then?"
"You think I'd cheat on you?" I asked, somewhat shocked.
"Yeah, if your not getting what you need at home," he nodded.
So there you have it. He is faking what little dominance he shows because he is afraid that I will cheat on him with a real Dom.
Not only have I been trying to submit to someone who could care less about it, I know now that I have made a complete fool of myself because he was just play acting. Maybe not every time, but the majority of it.
So...I've decided to bury this need of mine. I'm taking some time off, I'm going to stay away from the blogs, the boards, the chats for a week and see how it goes, maybe two weeks. I'm no longer being the 'submissive' at home. I don't serve TJ anymore. I don't sleep nude anymore and I don't do things I'm not in the mood for anymore, just to please him. He was really shocked when I said, "No," to something he told me to do in bed, but he didn't force the issue or even comment, he just chose a different thing to do.
I haven't posted a lot of what's been going on because I wanted the good/bad/good/bad roller coaster to settle down, but I don't think that's going to happen.
Anyway, I'm signing off for a little while.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
The Good and The Bad....
The good:
I have received a promotion. The office manager is moving and I have been moved up into her position, or will be when she leaves at the end of this week. I am excited about the new challenge and am absolutely terrified of it. I'm entering a bit of a mess, really. One employee just broke her arm and will be out of work for a month, another is on the brink of being terminated, and I have to hire a part time receptionist this week (who will replace the fired employee once she's been fired). Along with a few other little fires that need to be put out, but I'm planning on taking things one day at a time.
I worry about how this will change things here at home. Can I be "boss" at work and "submissive" at home? How do I transform that quickly as I walk into the house? Will I be able to? Things are shaky at home with the D/s dynamic as it is, will this clinch the deal and kill it all together?
The bad:
I had a horrible spanking the other night. It was completely warranted, I poked the bear and the bear bit hard!
TJ had asked me to write him a letter a week ago about what I was thinking. I did. He didn't read it. One of the things I mentioned in the letter was that sometimes I feel as though he loves the benefits of being the Dom/HOH/whatever but doesn't want to put any effort into it other than getting his way, being served, and serviced by me. So when he didn't read the letter, when he couldn't be bothered to read the 4 paragraphs he asked me to write...i got cheeky. I didn't really do it intentionally, the attitude that is. The directly disobeying him...yeah..I did that on purpose.
How childish! How unsubmissive! I agree.
I mentioned that I wanted to get some icecream from the freezer and he said "No, no more ice cream today," (cos he let me have a small bowl after lunch). I shrugged in response. An hour later, after the kids were in bed, I sat down with my frosty treat to watch a movie.
"How's the ice cream?" he asked in a strained tone. I smiled and said it was great. Poke, Poke, Poke. "When your movie is over I want to speak with you,"
"Uh, huh," poke!
The hairbrush and I did more talking than TJ did, of that I am sure. Although I did hear him say things like, "You don't roll your eyes at me!" (I don't remember doing it, but I'm sure I did) and "I can't believe you ate that ice cream right in front of my face!"
In the end I did tell him I was upset about the letter, and he explained that it was no excuse for my behavior (which I already knew). He has since read the letter and we chatted very briefly about it. It wasn't a big deal really, and I handled the whole thing like a ninny.
I have received a promotion. The office manager is moving and I have been moved up into her position, or will be when she leaves at the end of this week. I am excited about the new challenge and am absolutely terrified of it. I'm entering a bit of a mess, really. One employee just broke her arm and will be out of work for a month, another is on the brink of being terminated, and I have to hire a part time receptionist this week (who will replace the fired employee once she's been fired). Along with a few other little fires that need to be put out, but I'm planning on taking things one day at a time.
I worry about how this will change things here at home. Can I be "boss" at work and "submissive" at home? How do I transform that quickly as I walk into the house? Will I be able to? Things are shaky at home with the D/s dynamic as it is, will this clinch the deal and kill it all together?
The bad:
I had a horrible spanking the other night. It was completely warranted, I poked the bear and the bear bit hard!
TJ had asked me to write him a letter a week ago about what I was thinking. I did. He didn't read it. One of the things I mentioned in the letter was that sometimes I feel as though he loves the benefits of being the Dom/HOH/whatever but doesn't want to put any effort into it other than getting his way, being served, and serviced by me. So when he didn't read the letter, when he couldn't be bothered to read the 4 paragraphs he asked me to write...i got cheeky. I didn't really do it intentionally, the attitude that is. The directly disobeying him...yeah..I did that on purpose.
How childish! How unsubmissive! I agree.
I mentioned that I wanted to get some icecream from the freezer and he said "No, no more ice cream today," (cos he let me have a small bowl after lunch). I shrugged in response. An hour later, after the kids were in bed, I sat down with my frosty treat to watch a movie.
"How's the ice cream?" he asked in a strained tone. I smiled and said it was great. Poke, Poke, Poke. "When your movie is over I want to speak with you,"
"Uh, huh," poke!
The hairbrush and I did more talking than TJ did, of that I am sure. Although I did hear him say things like, "You don't roll your eyes at me!" (I don't remember doing it, but I'm sure I did) and "I can't believe you ate that ice cream right in front of my face!"
In the end I did tell him I was upset about the letter, and he explained that it was no excuse for my behavior (which I already knew). He has since read the letter and we chatted very briefly about it. It wasn't a big deal really, and I handled the whole thing like a ninny.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I hate dowel rods. I think they should all be gathered up and burned.
TJ decided to use the damnable thing last night for my punishment. (I didn't pay the cell phone bill again and our phones got shut off for the second month in a row...I assure you I had a good explanation...)
TJ has started to do this thing during a spanking that is way too much for me. He uses my anticipation against me. He will swing his arm back and act as though he is going to deliver the blow and then doesn't, he repeats this action a few times so that I never know when it's going to land. I HATE this because I think it totally screws up my mindset. I'm so focused on what he's doing that I'm not thinking about anything else. And I think it's just kinda mean, there's no purpose to it other than to screw with my head.
Anyway, he was doing this last night and finally I couldn't take it and I hopped out of the way and tried to catch my breath. He got upset and told me to just go to bed "I'm done with you," he said. I apologized and tried to talk to him about it. "How does this work if you pick the punishment," he asked because I was reminding him that he had agreed only to use the dowel rod for a severe punishment. "Get back over there and pull your pants down," he finally said when I asked him if he would finish up.
He grabbed his belt and finished up. I think he gave harder swats to prove his point, but I took them as well as I could, I didn't move out of position.
"This is to remind you who decides when the punishment is over!" he placed a hand on my shoulder and delivered two very hard lashes of the belt across my bare bottom.
I tried to talk to him this morning about the mind games but he just said we didn't have time and we could talk about it tonight.
Here's my dilemma. If I do talk with him about this, is it me controlling the punishment? I mean I don't see any benefit to this 'technique'. It's a HUGE distraction for me and all it does is make me afraid, and what's the point of fear in this setting?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Expectations
I thrive on structure. When the day is well organized and scheduled, it will all go very smoothly. If there are rules for me to follow, I am very happy and calm. When there is no schedule or no rules or guidelines I get lost.
Maybe, as an adult woman, I shouldn't need so much structure or I should be able to create it for myself. For the most part, I do. I schedule my days, have my lists of things to get done each day, and for the most part it works well. I've taken on a few "rules" for myself and they are going OK, but I'm really only accountable to myself. I'm finding that because I'm not accountable to Him for these things I'm not all that content with it.
There are a few rules that he has set for me and I follow them pretty well. These other rules are just a few things I wanted to change in our relationship, and although he loves the changes they aren't something he would have ever set into motion himself. I am enjoying the changes, mostly because they make him happy and my mindset is more focused on my submission.
What is bothering me or rather what is on my mind currently is... I'm not accountable to him for these new rules. If I were to decide tomorrow to forget about them they would just fade away into the distance. He might ask "What happened to.." and I might reply with "Oh, I decided not to do that anymore," and he probably would shrug and say "Oh. Ok,"
I won't be abandoning my new little rules, like I said he's enjoying them, but the fact that I'm not accountable to him for them is irking me.
Another thing that's bugging me is expectations. I feel that he expects very little from me, which I suppose might be a good thing but as I said earlier, I thrive on structure, goals, rules, schedules.
I'm almost done with my online course and I took the last quiz (the final is next week...cross your fingers for me) the other night and got an 88%. I was happy to have passed the quiz because I was having a hard time with this particular chapter, and TJ was glad that it was over for me as well, since he's been listening me curse and groan over this material. We started talking about my grade and I said at this point I didn't think I'd be able to pull an A in the class but my B is very solid. He went on to say that in college the grade doesn't matter, just pass the class, get the degree. My heart sank to my feet.
"To me it matters. To do the very best I can do matters," I said to him and he did agree with me but said not to stress the A or B, just to pass the course.
"I really wish you expected more out of me," I responded and changed the subject.
Sometimes I take the fact that he doesn't expect much to mean that he doesn't think I could do much. As if I would let him down and so he just won't expect it to begin with. I know that this tendency of his isn't a result of our relationship, but of other things in his past, however it's starting to get to me.
I would love for him to set a goal for me, something for me (or us) to work towards (non-sexually or sexually); but for now I will set my goals and work towards them on my own. I don't need him to schedule my days or make every little deicison for me, that would drive us both nuts within a day. What I would love, would make my heart swell is if he picked one thing, one tiny thing, and took charge of it.
For now, I will take what I'm getting from him and I'll keep working on me.
Maybe, as an adult woman, I shouldn't need so much structure or I should be able to create it for myself. For the most part, I do. I schedule my days, have my lists of things to get done each day, and for the most part it works well. I've taken on a few "rules" for myself and they are going OK, but I'm really only accountable to myself. I'm finding that because I'm not accountable to Him for these things I'm not all that content with it.
There are a few rules that he has set for me and I follow them pretty well. These other rules are just a few things I wanted to change in our relationship, and although he loves the changes they aren't something he would have ever set into motion himself. I am enjoying the changes, mostly because they make him happy and my mindset is more focused on my submission.
What is bothering me or rather what is on my mind currently is... I'm not accountable to him for these new rules. If I were to decide tomorrow to forget about them they would just fade away into the distance. He might ask "What happened to.." and I might reply with "Oh, I decided not to do that anymore," and he probably would shrug and say "Oh. Ok,"
I won't be abandoning my new little rules, like I said he's enjoying them, but the fact that I'm not accountable to him for them is irking me.
Another thing that's bugging me is expectations. I feel that he expects very little from me, which I suppose might be a good thing but as I said earlier, I thrive on structure, goals, rules, schedules.
I'm almost done with my online course and I took the last quiz (the final is next week...cross your fingers for me) the other night and got an 88%. I was happy to have passed the quiz because I was having a hard time with this particular chapter, and TJ was glad that it was over for me as well, since he's been listening me curse and groan over this material. We started talking about my grade and I said at this point I didn't think I'd be able to pull an A in the class but my B is very solid. He went on to say that in college the grade doesn't matter, just pass the class, get the degree. My heart sank to my feet.
"To me it matters. To do the very best I can do matters," I said to him and he did agree with me but said not to stress the A or B, just to pass the course.
"I really wish you expected more out of me," I responded and changed the subject.
Sometimes I take the fact that he doesn't expect much to mean that he doesn't think I could do much. As if I would let him down and so he just won't expect it to begin with. I know that this tendency of his isn't a result of our relationship, but of other things in his past, however it's starting to get to me.
I would love for him to set a goal for me, something for me (or us) to work towards (non-sexually or sexually); but for now I will set my goals and work towards them on my own. I don't need him to schedule my days or make every little deicison for me, that would drive us both nuts within a day. What I would love, would make my heart swell is if he picked one thing, one tiny thing, and took charge of it.
For now, I will take what I'm getting from him and I'll keep working on me.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I wrote a post last night about TJ and myself that, although very honest, wasn't very nice. I have deleted it. I am having a hard time with my relationship with TJ and it's not fair to publicize what I've told him in private when he has no venue to defend his position. He has assured me that what needs to be worked on will be worked on...and to be honest I don't know what will happen.
Nothing horrible happened, he didn't cheat on me or anything like that, it's just a dependability issue. Anyway, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best, no matter what happens. In the meantime the spanking will continue, the D/s relationship will sloooooooowly evolve or it will dissolve... this is all just one huge roller coaster ride and I have to hold on for dear life and wait for the ride to calm.
The one thing that has not changed is that we love each other and we've worked through worse situations, so I'm confident that we will work this all out just fine. I'm thinking a date night might be in order...it's been a really long time since we've had one.
Maybe I just need a good sorting out. I feel rather lost at the moment, in regards to D/s, and i feel like I have no where to really turn...this feeling coupled with the other stuff has left me feeling a bit down, but I'm keeping my chin up and my skirts on!
Nothing horrible happened, he didn't cheat on me or anything like that, it's just a dependability issue. Anyway, I'm sure that everything will work out for the best, no matter what happens. In the meantime the spanking will continue, the D/s relationship will sloooooooowly evolve or it will dissolve... this is all just one huge roller coaster ride and I have to hold on for dear life and wait for the ride to calm.
The one thing that has not changed is that we love each other and we've worked through worse situations, so I'm confident that we will work this all out just fine. I'm thinking a date night might be in order...it's been a really long time since we've had one.
Maybe I just need a good sorting out. I feel rather lost at the moment, in regards to D/s, and i feel like I have no where to really turn...this feeling coupled with the other stuff has left me feeling a bit down, but I'm keeping my chin up and my skirts on!
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